This story is a fanfiction based on the work of Rumiko Takahashi.
No offense intended.  

It has been revised yet again.  

David Johnston, rgorman@telusplanet.net

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY...  Part One


"That LYING WORTHLESS BAG OF OFFAL!"

I looked at my brother.  "Must be talking about you."

"I think you fit the description far more closely," he riposted

We were still squabbling about it as we walked in, which was probably
the wrong way to approach Mother while she was in that kind of rage....
Mother's kind of an impressive figure if I say so myself.  She may be
fifty, but she looks about thirty, tall, white hair with a black
stripe running through it.  Usually her eyes are black, unless they 
happen to be glowing blue with a buildup of ki such as at that moment.

We cautiously got back to our feet.  The ki blast wasn't all that
powerful by Mother's standards, but it was definitely enough to get our
attention.  "Mother?  Do you want us to get someone for you?" I
cautiously asked.

"You could say that.  Some years ago, some odious men came here and...
offended me and the other women of this island grievously.  We captured
two of them with some difficulty.  One of them was a hideous old man
with the most repellent habits, but still a true Master, the founder of
the 'Anything Goes' school of martial arts.  The other was his student
in both martial arts and disrespect for women, a contemptible weak man."

"You want us to get those guys?", my brother asked.

"The elder escaped and we never heard from him again.  Rumor has it his
own students turned on him.  But the student we captured was released
before then on the condition that should he ever father a daughter he
would agree to place her destiny in my hands, in order that I might
protect her from his master's myriad perversions, and from his own
twisted ideas about the worth of women."

My brother and I looked at each other.  This again.  Mom was a little
nuts when it came to the daughter she'd never been able to have, and
would do just about anything to have a girl with a lot of potential to
train.

"You...want us to take a little baby away from it's parents?" I asked
uneasily.

"I have Genma Saotome's signed and notarized word of honor that you
would have the right to do so if it came to that.  Worthless piece of
trash that it is, since the conniving villain successfully deceived me
and betrayed his 'honor'.  I kept something of an eye on Genma, but his
only child was a boy named Ranma...or so I thought.  And then I
discover, THIS!"

She slapped a magazine down on the floor in front of us, "Rhythmic
Gymnastic Annual."  On it's cover was a competition ring that had
apparently been totally demolished, leaving just 3 posts standing, and
in front a referee was raising the hand of a girl with braided
hair.

My brother looked at it and commented, "Surprisingly large 
you-knows for a champion gymnast...," then winced at Mother's glare.

"This is 'Ranma Saotome' of Furinkan High in Nerima, Saotome's 'son'.
It seems fairly obvious that Saotome falsified his child's birth records
and had her pose as a boy in order to escape me.  He is every bit as 
clever, unscrupulous and cowardly as I remember, but surprisingly he
either trained the girl in the art, or she has unbelievable natural
aptitude or both."

"Mother," my brother spoke up again.  "Couldn't Ranma be a boy disguised
as a girl?  After all _some_ people are pretty good at that."  He
shot a glance at me.

I gritted my teeth and pointed down at the magazine, quickly kicking my
brother while they were both looking at it.  It's an experiment in
aversion therapy.  If he feels pain every time he talks about it, maybe
one day he'll stop.  Mother pretended not to notice our byplay as I
answered, "No, moron, not in a leotard."

He clenched his fist a little, visually promising me a little payback
later, and asked Mother, "So what do you want to do about this so many
years later?  We could go pound this Genma Saotome guy."

"No, she doesn't seem to have turned out badly despite her dolt of a
father.  I want you to find her in Nerima, and bring her to me.  Then we
will offer her a choice of fiancees.  Saotome's promise will be equally
fulfilled if he gives me a daughter-in-law."

We both looked back down at the magazine.  She was awfully cute.  This
might not be so bad...

_______________________________________________________________________
"That's the last one," Kentaro complained.  "Looking in the phone 
book for Saotomes was a really stupid idea."  Like me, he was 
dressed in a suit and a trenchcoat, but to tell the truth, he 
filled out his suit a lot better.  I'm...small.  I looked like 
a little kid playing master spy.  He looked like a slick Yakuza thug.  

"No, NOT looking in the phone book would have been really 
stupid," I corrected.  "I didn't expect to find Saotome that way.  
>From what we have on him, he's lived almost all of life either in 
the outdoors or in short-term accomodation, often as a guest in 
other people's homes and training halls.  I don't think he's ever 
paid a phone bill in his life, but if he started now, we'd be fools 
to overlook such an easy way to find him."  Sometimes I try to teach 
Kentaro how to think.  That's because Mother won't let me get a chimp 
for a pet.  

"I don't want to spend forever at this.  I'm starting to look 
forward to finding out about my fiancee."

"Who says she'll choose you?  I'm the better looking one."

"You're the prettier one.  There's a difference.  A girl like that 
is going to want a real man, and I'm the heir and the better fighter."  

"Maybe she'll be more interested in someone who could actually 
show her some consideration!"

"Hey!  I'll show her loads of consideration!  My middle name is 
consideration!"

"Well I guess we'll just have to see about that."

Kentaro surprised me by having an idea, "So, let's go to 
Mrs. Saotome and ask her where her daughter is."  Not that it 
was a good idea, but one is sufficiently impressed by the 
dancing bear that it seems petty to demand that it dance well. 

"That wouldn't be a good idea.  Since she went along with this
whole gender switch idea, Saotome probably told her that Mother
was some kind of monster looking to sacrifice the kid to the
Spawn of Shub-Niggurath or something."  

"The what of what?"  Kentaro asked, not sharing my love for 
English literature.  

"Never mind."

"You come up with some kind of story.  You're good at sneaky,
underhanded schemes and I don't want to spend forever at this."  

"Why thank you elder brother.  One sneaky underhanded scheme 
coming right up."  I pulled my notepad out of the pocket of 
my coat and consulted it, found the address of Kodachi Kuno, 
and said, "It's pretty close."  I read out the address to our 
driver.  OK, I admit it, I don't really put the effort into my 
sneaky underhanded schemes to fool the "heir to the school" 
anymore.  It's too easy to bother trying.

Kodachi Kuno was really beautiful with raven hair and a perfect little
mouth.  She had a rare aristocratic bearing and grace, as well as 
exquisite manners.  And she blushed and stammered, "No...not yet." 
in the cutest way when my brother asked for Mrs. Saotome. When 
we asked her about Ranma Saotome, she invited us right in for tea.  
Her own "special blend" as she put it.  She rather reminded me of 
Mother.  Bearing that in mind, I naturally made sure to use my 
Martial Arts Dump The Tea While My Hostess Blinks technique.  

She was an excellent hostess, and gave us an exciting blow-by-blow 
rundown of a martial gymnastics match in which she was barely 
defeated by a totally unscrupulous obsessive girl who lived to enslave
men with her arcane arts, who had assaulted Kodachi before the match 
and should have been disqualified for making physical contact had not 
her second sneakily been distracting the referee with specious 
complaints.  Apparently this girl was the goddess of evil and even 
dared to call herself "Ranma Saotome".  Why this was so evil of her, 
was never made clear to me.  I was of course suitably shocked and 
eventually brought the conversation to where she could be found.  
Fortunately Kentaro kept his mouth shut, and we took our leave.  
We left the car behind and walked so as to get an opportunity 
to case the area before approaching.  

Of course his silence should have tipped me that something was wrong 
with Ken-Chan.  Apparently, he was brooding while we walked to the 
Tendo Dojo.  As we were nearing the Tendo Dojo, my brother suddenly 
clasped me to him in an unprecedented demonstration of affection, 
declaring as he did so,  "Never will I allow my beloved brother to 
suffer at the hands of such a monster! This engagement must be ended!  
I will kill her to save you!"  Note that the moment that he decided 
the engagement was bad, I was automatically the one who was engaged.  
My brother's memory can be so convenient.  

"Thanks so much, big brother, but I think you should calm down 
and think this over a little.  For one thing, your sudden concern
for my well-being suggests that you have gone out of your mind and 
are probably under the influence of psychoactive chemicals."  
I took a look up at my brother's face, noticing his expression of 
unreasoning rage, and dilated pupils.  "Of course I could be totally 
wrong here..."

"Out of my way!", he snarled, shoving me aside and lunging for the
Dojo.  Naturally I tripped him face first into the concrete.  Oh
how I wish my brother would act like a human being and be stunned by
that sort of thing.  Instead of course, he got up, snarled something
incoherent about pounding my face to keep me safe, and attacked.
Perhaps I should mention at this point that I have rarely beaten
my brother.  I'm pretty skilled, and I'm a bit faster than he is, but 
the truth is, he knows more moves, and he outweighs me by 25 kilos of
solid muscle.  Also, I tend to avoid pain when I can, while 
he has built up his pain threshold to pretty absurd levels by getting 
people to pound him with staves.  I can do a little bit with pressure
points if I take him by surprise, but pressure points require either
surprise or an opponent of inferior skill to be used effectively.  

So I hit him with a couple of dozen blows, mostly avoiding his 
return blows, but failing to get a decent pressure point strike 
in.  Even a glancing return shot was enough to knock me off my
feet though.  I rolled back up and tried to go for a special attack,
the "tornado kick", hoping he was enough out of his head that he'd
let me do it.  Bad move.  He just reached up, grabbed my leg, slammed
me into the concrete, and since unlike my brother I am a human being,
naturally that was it for me this fight.  

I didn't stay out long of course.  I may not have my brother's 
resilience, but I do know how to take some damage.  I took out a 
mirror to check the cosmetic damage...well I WAS going to see my
fiance after all!  Don't look me that way, mirrors have a lot of
uses!  Fine, be that way.  It didn't look too bad yet and I called
our rental car on my cell phone and headed to the Tendo household.  
Nice house by the way.  Airy, well maintained, it almost exuded 
peace and tranquility.  Well, except that apparently my brother 
had opened the door by kicking it in...
_____________________________________________________________________

The door exploded inward, sending small fragments of wood spraying 
at everyone at the table, except that Kasumi happened to be seated
out of the cone of debris.  She calmly began picking wood out of 
the serving dish, while everyone else got to their feet.  Nabiki of 
course just took a few steps back and leaned against a wall to 
observe the action.  Everyone else took a ready stance versus the
ominous figure which strode in and demanded, "Where is Ranma Saotome?!"

"Hey, P-Chan.  He's stealing your act."  The pig squealed indignantly
at Ranma's jibe.  "I'm Ranma Saotome.  What's it to you?"

"No you aren't!  I must save Kouchi from Ranma!" Ranma blocked a punch
and a kick from the incoherent intruder.  "Now where is-!"  Ranma, 
having lost patience, punched him in the mouth, sending him flying
back against the wall.  He showed no inclination to get up.   Ranma
looked down at him, disgusted and commented, "That was..."  
"Anticlimactic?" supplied Nabiki.  "I was gonna say 'easy'", Ranma
corrected.  

"You had to stop and think of 'easy'?"

Ranma decided to ignore her.  "Considering what he did to the door, 
I wouldn't have expected him to get knocked out by my first punch."

"He wasn't."  The new speaker at the remains of the door was a pretty
person, whose innocently feminine features contrasted oddly with her 
disheveled, slightly oversized masculine clothing.  She brushed her 
mid length hair out of her blue eyes and continued, "My brother 
doesn't snore when he's actually been knocked out.  I'm afraid he 
fell asleep in the middle of the fight."  She smiled and her face 
suddenly took on a sly quality,  "Some people just can't hold their 
herbal tea."

"Why was he after Ranma?" Akane asked.

"I'm afraid that we just had tea with a Ms. Kuno, and the combination
of the tea and her conversation drove my brother's habitual idiocy
into outright paranoia and mania."  She bowed.  "You have my family's
sincere apologies."  Her face was once again the model of blue-eyed
innocence.

"That sounds familiar," Nabiki dryly commented.  "Who's going to pay 
for the door?"

"I'll be back to settle all accounts."  She knelt over her brother, 
fingers poking and prodding.  Suddenly he sat bolt upright, eyes open 
but blank.  "Sleepwalker Point," she explained to those watching."

"Who are you, anyway?"  Ranma asked.  

As she led her somnambulating charge out, she paused and looked back 
at him, "My name is Kouchi Yamazaki, and apparently I'm the fiance 
of Ranma Saotome."  She continued out through the door and toward
a limousine which was pulling up in front.  

Nobody said anything else for quite a while.  Then things got loud.  
______________________________________________________________________

Hey look, it showed up!  

Say something helpful.

I know, incidentally, that switching from first person to third
is a little odd.  But it should be obvious why I did it.  
______________________________________________________________________

She wasn't there.  Genma was, but Ranma Saotome wasn't.  Staying with
a friend?  Locked in her room for discipline?  Kodachi had
talked about how her happiness was being frustrated by Ranma, and by
some kind of arranged engagement.  Assuming the boy was one of the 
Tendos, then perhaps Ranma had been engaged by her father to marry
him, and Kodachi's pathological hatred was caused by the desire to
marry the Tendo boy.  But was Ranma happy in this engagement?  I hoped
not.  Because it was almost certain that my mother's agreement 
superceded any later arrangement, having been made before Genma was
even married.  Genma probably wouldn't run now that he'd seen me.  
Fear of my mother would send virtually anyone running and apparently
Genma had been running for sixteen years.  But nobody was ever afraid 
of me, and Kentaro's exercise in buffoonery would presumably have 
evaporated any fear he might inspire.  

I left Ken to sleep it off and headed back to the Tendo household.
For all my rationalisation, my loose lips might have set the prey
afoot, and I wouldn't want to give them too much of a head start.  
The truth was, I'd told them just to see the looks on their faces,
and to get my claim in before Kentaro could stake one.  
That meant that my foolishness carried it's own punishment.  It would
be a cold and uncomfortable night if I was lucky.  If I wasn't, I'd
have to explain to Kentaro and maybe Mother how I'd lost them.  

I had to be careful, martial artists are often light sleepers.  But
before I spent the night here, I wanted to be sure that Genma Saotome, 
at least, was still here.  I quietly hopped onto a ledge that ran
conveniently under a bank of second story windows.  

Oblivious daughter...hmm.  The daughter with the sense of humour.  
While everyone else was reacting with shock and anger, she'd just 
grinned at me.  She looked really sad in her sleep...also cute.  
Still, tonight I was a peeping tom with a mission, so I moved on.  
Daughter who looked like she wanted to hit me...sleeps with her 
window open.  What was she sleeping with: a... little pig?  

So much for martial artists being the light sleepers.  She  was 
still sound asleep.  But the pig suddenly woke up as if it had a 
sixth sense and started squealing when it saw my silhouette.  I 
should get one of those pigs for the Hall.  To heck with electronic 
security systems.  

Violent Daughter sat bolt upright, shouted, "Stop picking on P-Chan, 
Ranma!" and threw a dumbbell at me.  I stepped to the side but lost 
my balance because I was so startled at such a brutal and immediate 
attack; falling into the bushes underneath her window and rolling 
up close to the house.  I had a fiancee who snuck into her prospective
sister-in-law's room to attack her pet pig?  And it was so cute too...
Go figure.  Maybe she wanted to eat him.  Maybe it was a magic intruder 
detecting pig worth a fortune on the black market.  Maybe I was missing 
something.  

I finally found Genma, sleeping beside an empty futon.  I was still 
thinking about it when I heard the quiet impact of two bare feet 
touching down behind me.  I immediately jumped down of course, but 
he was on me before I could start running.  Ever been suddenly 
grabbed in the moonlight by a guy who weighs about twice what you 
do, and has fangs?  Actually it's a rather unnerving experience.  
Fortunately I don't scream when startled.  Unfortunately, I can't 
say anything when I'm terrified.  I might as well be hit in my 
Silencer Point.  So when he snarled, "What were you doing spying 
on Akane?", all I could do is gasp for breath.  

Pain shot through my forearms as his grip tightened.  He took a
closer look at me and then let up a little, as he said, "Oh, it's
you.  I don't know what you thought you were doing but don't even
think about doing something to Akane.  You know Ranma will only
cause you suffering if you stay.  You seem like a nice girl..."  
I hate it when people call me that.  I REALLY hate it.  It's bad 
enough being small and "pretty" without being taunted about it.  
So I kicked him solidly in the crotch.  When his only reaction was 
to cross his eyes a little and grunt, I knew I was in real trouble.  
Class this one with my brother in the nonhuman category.  Still, 
so I could slip free leaving just my suit jacket behind in his
hands.  

He lunged after me, angry enough to be careless, and apparently 
confident that I couldn't pose a threat.  Maybe I wasn't, by his
standard but if he was going to be that cocky, it was easy enough 
to fake him out, sidestep and let him go into the pond.  I jumped 
to the wall in the back and a chill ran down my spine as I looked 
back and saw that he'd disappeared.  Fangs, inhuman strength and 
staying power, the ability to dematerialise...  I had planned to 
stay overnight in a tree to keep watch, but I figured I'd catch up 
with Ranma at her school.  Genma obviously wasn't running, but right 
now, I was.  

I took a mental note:  Find out which one Akane was and stay away
from her.  I hoped she wasn't Smart Daughter.  Maybe she was 
Clueless Daughter.  She struck me as the type to inspire mindless
devotion without even noticing how weird her follower was. 
_______________________________________________________________________
"Hey, get a load of that guy." Kentaro said.  "What's that on his
back?  A poleaxe?  This must be a very permissive school." 
He handed me the binoculars.  I looked through them and answered, 
"That's a girl."

"Gedoudahere!  There's no...you know."  My brother has a "thing" 
about breasts.  He also can't say the word.  "What?" I asked
innocently.  

"No...um...obvious...things."

"Seems pretty obvious to me."

"But he-she doesn't have any..."

"Girls uniform?  Makeup?"  I love bugging my brother.  "Hey, here's
Smart Daughter.  You know, she's cute but she could use a better 
hair style and that uniform does nothing for her."  He looked at me.  
"What?" I asked in irritation.  He shook his head and said, "Gimme 
back the binocs."  

He looked through them again, and said, "Here comes Violent Daughter 
and Sucker Punch Guy.  Looks like they're running late.  
Hey, what a team!  They just clocked that kendo guy for getting in 
their way.  They must train together a lot to work with that kind of 
coordination.  Hey, little brother, maybe we should challenge them 
to a double duel." 

"We're working.  No time for fun.  Also no sign of Ranma Saotome.
What, is she skipping school?  Am I engaged to a delinquent?"

"Don't you mean "are we engaged to a delinquent?" It looks like 
this is a bust.  Could be that Ranma was sent off into hiding 
after she broke her cover with that gymnastic match,"
Ken mused.  "Too bad we didn't hear about it sooner."

"You gave up your claim last night, remember?  You admitted
that she was MY fiancee."

"After you deliberately let me be drugged out of my mind.  That 
doesn't count."  Ken has an inflated opinion of my sneakiness.  
He tends to think just about everything is all part of my Master 
Plan.  Plan to do what?  I honestly have no idea.  But he's sure
I have one.  "Let's talk to Kendo Guy.  He seems to know the players.  
Maybe he can tell us where she is."

And so we approached Tatewaki Kuno, in order that he might clarify
our confusion...
_____________________________________________________________________

Tatewaki Kuno looked at the mismatched couple before him.  One was 
almost his height, with musculature that bid fair to rival his own.
The other was a strange youth of delicate appearance and gentle mien
who seemed genuinely concerned that he, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue 
Thunder of Furinkan High, might have been injured by the sorceror's 
treacherous attack while he was merely attempting to engage his love
the fair and dainty Akane in conversation.  Little did he? she? know 
that grueling training had developed his ability to resist assault 
to the point where even such treachery as this could at best knock him
him off balance for a moment, while stiffening his resolve to free
his angels from their vile--  Why was the large one looking at him so
strangely during his discourse?  His mouth opened, as if he were 
about to shout something but instead there was a flicker of motion, 
and he began coughing instead.  

Sweetly the girl? said, "Ken-Chan?  I think you should go find a water 
fountain.  That cough sounds uncomfortable."  Yes, surely it was a 
girl.  The concern for others, the desire to be alone in converse 
with Tatewaki Kuno, surely these were the mark of the gentler sex.
Besides, teenage boys don't call each other "chan".
Such a pity that this girl was obviously too frail a vessel to be
the consort of a warrior, for her disposition was most pleasant.  
She would have to settle for admiration from a safe distance.  
Still, it was charming the way she paled and then blushed when her 
hopes were dashed as gently as he could manage.  

But accepting her lonely fate, she pressed on and revealed her 
other purpose, to seek out the family Saotome for redress of an 
old offense against her family.  The Blue Thunder understood 
entirely but naturally warned that the Saotomes were not entirely
unskilled in battle and most unscrupulous in their methods, 
stooping so far as to engage in sorcery. 
  
Her eyes widened and she gasped, "Really?".  

Tatewaki Kuno explained, "There can be no doubt.  The mysterious
appearances and disappearances of my beloved Osage no Onna, and
her strange servitude to Ranma Saotome can only be explained by
the blackest sorcery."

"This beloved of yours, is she not also known as Ranma Saotome?"

"Alas I have never been able to discover her true name.  It is 
true that she fought on her master's behest under his foul name,
on one occasion but it is merely a mark of his villainy that he 
allows her no individuality, keeping her ceaselessly within his 
thrall."

Shortly thereafter, the Blue Thunder parted from Kouchi in a mood
of mild euphoria that lasted for the rest of the day.  True, as Captain 
of the Debate Club and the Kendo Club, his words were heeded 
by all but a few.  But it was still gratifying to speak to someone 
so respectful, one who in a personal conversation paid rapt and 
admiring attention to every word.  At times the attention of many 
lesser mortals seemed to drift or they found excuses to depart.
It occured to Kuno, that perhaps it would be nice to have
a spouse who paid such attention to his words.  A pity she
had no martial skill, and dressed so oddly.  
__________________________________________________________________

And Now For A Word From Our Sponsor:
Someone once suggested that I write an entire day from Kuno's
perspective.  Well, here's something under an hour.  I don't think
I have the stamina to write a whole day of Kuno.  
___________________________________________________________________

By lunch I was still burning.  How dare he!  I'd just barely 
controlled the impulse to attack him by reminding myself that
I was on a mission.  Was he blind?  Couldn't he see that I 
wasn't a girl?  Nobody on Yamamaru ever mistook me for a girl, 
well, unless I was actually disguised as one (which by the way
I do NOT do for pleasure).
  
Kentaro made jokes about my looks but that was just his way of
yanking my chain.  What was wrong with those two?  Were they that
stupid?  And even if I had been a girl to just assume that I'd 
fallen in love with him, because I talked politely to him, what
gall!  Vain, stupid, bombastic, overtall jerk!  If my marriage
wasn't at stake, I'd show HIM a trick or two.  Maybe I would 
anyway.  

"OK, so Sucker-Punch guy is actually Ranma Saotome?"  Ken asked
after I filled him in.  "Or at least that's how the Kunos know him,"
I answered.

"Whoa, good disguise,  I never woulda have guessed he was actually
a girl.  That one's even better than the girl with the polearm."


"I'm not sure anyone is that good at disguises."  I glumly answered,
looking at the picture of Ranma the girl taken from RGQ.  "Judging 
scale from this picture, she's a good deal shorter than Sucker Punch 
Guy.  They just about have to be separate people."

"They do look alike though.  Brother and sister?"

"Makes sense.  If they're fraternal twins, Saotome could have
covered up the girl's existence, dressed them alike, and pretended
he only had one until she hit puberty.  But we still don't know
where he's hiding her now."  I considered for a moment.  There was 
only one thing to do now.  We walked into the school.  
____________________________________________________________________