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>From <711788@ican.net> , an address expiring by September.
Adrian Wong presents:
Not Quite Star-Crossed : The Tale of Ukyou and Ranma
A Ranma 1 / 2 and Romeo and Juliet Crossover
All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi and some others that I don't know of.
This story copyright by Adrian Wong, 1997.
All C&C (not flames) will be DESPERATELY NEEDED :)
C A S T:
Clan Saotome includes:
Nodoka and Genma - Nodoka is a little bit harsher yet more modern at the same time, and
Genma is a lecher as well as the scum that he is in the manga. They live in a much bigger house
with a luxurious dojo since they are rich.
Ranma - Have never been away from home since Genma couldn't con him (and the family
fortune) away from Nodoka. A lot more sensitive and less bullish than the original Ranma. A
student at some all-boys school in Nerima.
Kodachi - Ranma's cousin. A vicious girl who hates the Kuonjis with a passion. A student at
Furinkan High.
Tofu - A servant of the family who has practically watched Ranma grew up.
Clan Kuonji includes:
Mr. and Mrs. Kuonji - Concerned parents. Loves Ukyou very much. Indicated to be rich as
well.
Ukyou - Still quite boyish, but doesn't cross-dress since she hadn't been through what the
manga Ukyou had been through. Had recently been dumped by a handsome boy called Konatsu
and was feeling moody and depressed. A student at Furinkan High.
Kurumi - Ukyou's cousin, very much like the OVA Kurumi but not quite as strong. Also, she is
more interested in boys than food. A student at Furinkan High.
Others:
Shampoo - Ukyou's best friend, a flirtatious Amazon fighter as in the manga.
Sister Hinako - The one who Ukyou always turns to for advice.
Akane Tendo - Engaged to Ranma by their clans. Very much like the manga Akane. A student
at Furinkan High.
Soun Tendo - Akane's father who pushed her to marry Ranma.
Tatewaki - Narrator at the beginning and the end. A student at Furinkan High.
Principal - The principal of Furinkan High.
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P A R T 6
[Scene opens at the dinning room of the Saotome Mansion. Nodoka is leisurely reading a
magazine as Genma simply lies on a couch and does nothing. Kodachi, with a white apon over
her black and red leotard, is arranging a banquet of black roses at a corner of the room. Genma
eyes her with a lecheous grin on his face. Kodachi notices this, and lets out a low, sultry laugh
as she flashes a seductive smile to him. Just then, Ranma and Tofu comes back from the
Church. Ranma is once again in his school uniform: his tux inside his schoolbag.]
Genma: Ranma! Where have you been for this afternoon?!
Ranma: At the chapel, Pop. It had been I while since I've been there.
Kodachi [absently as she waters the roses]: And what were you doing there, cousin dear?
Ranma [giving a vague answer]: To confess, dear cousin, what else?
Nodoka [smiling maternally]: You were there to make confession, weren't you? That's my son.
Our family has been so busy lately that your poor parents couldn't have spared the time for
church. Now that you have went, people wouldn't have an excuse to 'comment' on our
spiritual devotions any more.
Ranma: Guess I should be going back to my room to study . . .
Genma [ looking dismissive]: Blah! That can wait, boy! [He gives a sly grin as he speaks in a
lower voice.] There is something else that you need to prepare for tonight.
Ranma [dissmissing him as he walks toward the stairs]: I have a quiz tomorow, Pop.
Nodoka: Tomorrow, good son, you will not even be at school. I've already arranged for you to
be absent for the next two weeks of school.
Ranma [seemingly taken back as he stands still]: What?
Nodoka: For as of tomorrow, my son, you are going to be-
Genma [cutting her off]: A husband!
[Tofu paled at hearing that.]
Ranma: WHAT?!
Nodoka: That's right, son. Your father and Soun-san have both been waiting for you and
Akane-chan to grow up. While you two are still too young to be having children, you two are
certainly
more than old enough to be formally married.
Ranma: But-
Genma [looking bloodthristy]:This way, boy, the Tendo clan and the Saotome clan shall become
one. And together, we can finally elimilate the Kuonji Clan for good!
Ranma: Pop! Akane didn't even want to-
Nodoka [smiling close-eyedly]: Oh, Ranma, of course she did! She was just being shy at the
party, that's all.
Kodachi: Hohohohohoho! Really, cousin of mine, you've got A LOT to learn about the mystic
of the fairer sex.
Genma: Go, Ranma! Go and prepare yourself to make your finacee a wife!
[Ranma looks aghast at the abrupt turn of events. The smiling faces of his family seems almost
like thinly disguised, threathening scowls to the boy. He feels that if he doesn't spill out the
truth now, then all will be lost for him and Ukyou. Steering himself, he speaks up.]
Ranma: I 'm afraid it's not quite this simple, father of mine.
[The Saotomes look startled as Tofu looks nervous.]
Ranma: For what you've just asked of me, I've long since carried out. [He takes a deep breath.]
I'm already a husband, and she who had married me . . . my only wife.
[A horizontal thunder ran through the Saotome's heads.]
Nodoka [gasping ]: My son . . .
Ranma [with a firm but nervous look]: Mom . . .
Nodoka: You and Akane-chan have been secretly married already?!
Genma: Oh, JOY!!!!!
Kodachi: Heheh . . . you two lovebirds are impatient indeed.
[Ranma and Tofu facefault.]
Ranma [yelling]: NO! I have already married this other girl that I've recently fallen in love with,
RIGHT IN THE CHAPLE!
[Nodoka turns pale as Genma grows into monster size.]
Genma: What!? How dare you fall in love with someone else other than Akane?!?!?!?!
Nodoka: For that matter, son, how did you even MANAGE to know any other girl other than
Akane? Had someone slipped by your careless mother's eyes?
Kodachi [rubing the corner of her eye with a handkachief]: Alas, my poor cousin, a naive
romantic crucified by his bearers due to this star-crossed liasion that has befallen upon his
idealistic self. The Black Rose weeps for thy tortured self . . . who is it that you've wed?
Ranma [defiantly]: The beauteous, noble Ukyou of the Kuonji Clan-
[Kodachi and Genma both slam him down to the ground with their feet, effectively cutting him
off.]
Kodachi [as she stomps hard on the struggling boy repeatedly]: You vile, honorless, lust-driven
$#&%$&^%&^&$%$&%$&*%$&^!!!!!!!!!!! May you be casted into the bowels of hell for this
pervese craving!!!!!!
Genma [rubbing his eyes even though there is no tears]: Even though you're my own son. . . . [he
suddenly takes out a whip as his gi changes into a domanatrix outfit] For this grave offence, I
shall punish thee!
[With that Genma-domantrix whips the boy mercilesly as Kodachi joins in with her ribbon.
Eventually, Ranma becomes fed up with it and kicks both of them off him.]
Ranma [panting as he faces them]: And to think I actually throught that you people would be
supportive in this . . . well, you CAN'T change what has already happened, Pop. As of today,
Ukyou is a Saotome!
Genma [as he reverts back into his gi-clad mode]: Not if you father has anything to say about it,
boy!
[With that, the two charges each other and begins to fight. While Genma seems to be stronger,
Ranma is clearly much more agile as he easily avoids his blows. Suddenly, Tofu jumps into the
fight and quickly imoblized Genma with a jab to a precise pressure point.]
Tofu [to the enraged Genma in a pleading tone of voice]: Master, please, open you ears to
reasons-
[Just then, Tofu feels a cold metal pressing toward his throat as he hears a even voice from
behind him.]
Nodoka [speaking up with a disapproving look on her face as she holds a hand to her cheek
while aiming the katana at Tofu's throat]: Now, now, dear servant. It isn't right to immoblize
your own master: it just isn't honorable.
Tofu [sweating]: Mistress Nodoka . . .
Nodoka [frowning with concern as she lighly shifts the position of the katana]: Please do release
your hold on him, before he gets too upset over your dishonor.
[Tofu reluctantly hits another pressure point and frees the angry Genma, who immediately starts
pounding on him.]
Genma: Betrayed by my own servant!!
[Ranma is just about to interfere when Nodoka holds up a hand to stop him.]
Nodoka [speaking in a warm, maternal voice]: Now, Ranma. I'm afraid that you are not to
leave this house again until AFTER your poor parents see you formally take Akane-chan as your
lawful wedded wife.
Ranma [looking sad and defiant at the same time]: I'm sorry, mother, but I won't go to the
wedding. You can't make a married man marry again!
Genma [as he continues to beat up Tofu]: When your parents tell you to go get married, you
WILL get married no matter what! Our clan shall wipe out whatever records regarding that
unholy union between you and that Kuonji wretch!
Ranma [shaking his head with an anguished look on his face]: My own bearers . . . seeking to
shatter the only happiness of their only young . . . [he glares up at them] From this day on, NO
LONGER A SAOTOME SHALL I BE!!!
Genma [yelling in anger]: FOUL, WORTHLESS PIECE OF-
Nodoka [cutting her husband off as she chides her son with a close-eyed smile]: Now, now, it
isn't proper for a young man to make such a claim. You were born a Saotome. As such, you
have your duties to carry out. It isn't manly of you to run away from them.
Ranma [looking pained]: Farewell, my . . . dutiful parents. Not till Akane is wed to another shall
your strayward son return!
[With that, he quickly ran out of the dining room into the yard . . . only to encounter a troop of
Saotome family ninjas waiting right there for him. Genma, now holding a microphone, is giving
instructions to the troop.]
Genma [as he points to Ranma]: Stop him, cripple him if you might, but DON't let this traitor
take one step out of this mansion!!
The Ninjas [mechanically as they charge Ranma]: H A I ! ! !
Ranma [as he darts into their mist]: Pop, you-
[Ranma does his best to battle them, sending punches and kicks in all directions as he dodges the
attacks from their weapons at the same time. At one point, Ranma does a vertical leap and
escapes the attacks from three ninjas who rush him from all directions. Nodoka's eyes widens at
seeing that.]
Nodoka [in a voice of awe]: Such excellent application of the vertical leap! A vertical leap can
move the the fighter out of the plane of action for a reasonable amount of time, which he can
then use to plan his next attack!
[Ranma then comes at them with a scissor kick that immediately puts two of them out of
commision. Before the third can attack, a centre-kick sent him flying away. Nodoka's eyes
widens at seeing that.]
Nodoka [in a voice of awe]: Such excellent execution of the centre kick! The centre-kick is
much more forceful than any other kind of kicks! By using it properly, one can send his
opponent towards the aerospace before he knows what hits him . . . Eh? What's the matter?
[Everybody in the yard has stopped fighting, and is now staring incredulously at Nodoka as they
sweat. Just then, a gymnastic ball rolls secretively up to beside Ranma's foot. As he looks down
to see what touches his foot, it explodes into a mini paralysis-power screen. Ranma and several
ninja standing close to him are immediately paralyzed and rendered unconcious. Nodoka's eyes
widens at seeing that.]
Nodoka [in a voice of awe]: Such excellent disguise of paralysis powder! By hiding the harmful
potion under the guise of a harmless gymnastic ball-
Genma [cutting her off as he sweats]: We get the idea, No-chan. [He then turns to the
remaining ninjas and speaks up in a voice of command.] Now lock this worthless traitor up in
the underground dungeon! I'd have you torture him, but I need him in good shape for his
wedding to Tendo Akane . . .
The Ninjas [mechanically as they picks up Ranma and heads for the dungeon]: H A I ! ! !
[Genma smiles evilly and turns as he turns to where Tofu is.]
Genma: As for you . . . [he realizes that he's talking to empty space] EH?!
Nodoka [looking mildly startled]: My, he had escaped.
Kodachi: It matters not, for he is but a minor chracter in this deranged play. What's important
now is that I must strike down the harlot that started this all: Kuonji Ukyou!
[With that, she rips off her apron and bounces off the scene in a shower of black rose petals.]
Nodoka [shaking her head]: One day, I have to teach that girl to stop wasting that expensive
bland of roses like that.
[On a random street of Nerima, Ukyou, Shampoo and Kurumi, all of them wearing what they
wear at the ceremony, are walkinging home together under the sunset. Ukyou is still pretty
spaced out as she stares at the ring on her finger, whereas Shampoo and Kurumi are chattering
over the wedding.]
Shampoo [sighing]: Shampoo always thought Ukyou last to be wed of three of us since she picky
with men. But she turns out to be first, and with such gorgeous man. Now she Shampoo envy.
Kurumi: Now if only me and Cousin can get Master Kuonji to consent to this . . .
Ukyou [absently as she stares lovingly at the ring]: Oh, Dad has a tough exterior but a soft heart.
I'm sure that I can get through to him with some persuasion . . .
Shampoo: Shampoo hate mention this, but Ukyou still have one more problem to solve.
Ukyou [turning to Shampoo]: Eh? What's that?
Shampoo: The Saotomes.
Ukyou [as if realizing something]: You're absolutely right! I have almost forgot about that. I
sure hope Ran-chan can somehow get them to accept this union between us . . .
Kurumi [looking ahead]: I don't know about Saotome Genma and Nodoka, but SOMEONE is
definitely dead set against this . . .
Shampoo: Who so not-nice?
[Kurumi points up ahead . . . at an enraged looking gymnast with a black rose cletched between
her teeth. Red light is flaring from her eyes as a purple aura surrounds her.]
Kurumi: Who else but her?
Shampoo [sighing]: Shampoo should have known. Really, who else but psycho girl be constant
villain in fanfic-land?
Kurumi: Actually, COLOGNE is the one who is the constant villain in fanfic-land.
Shampoo [hotly]: That no Hiba-chan's fault! It fault of fanfic-writers with prejudice to us
Chinese Amazons! Hiba-chan honorable woman in original series, understanding and wise, and
people insult her obviously no read actual manga!
Kurumi [looking thoughtful]: Or maybe they see her abilities as being too scary, and considers
her a threat to the Ranma / Akane pairing? She does seem to be set on forcing you upon Ranma
in the original series.
Shampoo: Brrrr! That no hold water! She almost neutral in matter. In original series,
Hiba-chan had helped Ranma unconditionally time after time when he desperately in need. Not
even
once had she take oppotunity to try snare Ranma for Shampoo. She even not help Shampoo and
Ukyou at wedding bombing in final episode! Had she really helped Shampoo as much as fans
like believe, Shampoo already Airen's bride as meant to be!
Ukyou: Hey, watch it, Shampoo! I'M the one who is getting Ranchan in this fic!
Shampoo [grumbling]: Shampoo know, no need be touchy. Back to topic: NO ONE DARE
PAINT HIBA-CHAN BLACK IN FANFICS! Anyone who does so shall be cursed to choose
least perfect of all suitors, be hated by all rivals, get beat up by neurotic cry-baby man for
slime-ball father's faults-
Kodachi [spitting out the rose as she inflates and towers over all three of them]: STOP
TEARING DOWN THE FOURTH WALL, YOU LOWLY-BRED SERVING WOMEN!!
YOU'RE RUINING MY DRAMATIC ENTRANCE!!!!!!
Ukyou/Shampoo/Kurumi [mumbling]: Sorry.
Kodachi [breathing hard and looking confused after the shouting]: Good, now where was I? Oh
yes . . . [she abruptly puts on her canonical expression] Hohohohohohoho!! I've find you at last,
harlot! How dare you corrupt my cousin dear?! The Black Rose shall punish thee!!
Shampoo [muttering]: If psycho girl manage last more than 10 seconds against Ukyou . . .
Kodachi: What? Dare you mock the mighty Black Rose?! I shall teach you a lesson!
[With that, Kodachi leaps toward Shampoo like a leopard . . . only to have the Amazon warrior
efffortlessly slamming her head down to the ground with with only one foot. Pinning the girl in
place, Shampoo turns to Kurumi.]
Shampoo [smirking]: You know what do?
Kurumi [smiling evilly]: You bet I do!
[With that the girl takes out a wide assortment of heavy objects that ranges from
fire-extinguishers to budda statues seemingly out of no where. The two of them then procceed
to
crush the now helpless Kodachi repeatedly with one item at a time.]
Kodachi: Ouchouchouchouch!!!!!
Kurumi [as she bashes Kodachi repeatly with a wooden chair]: Ha! Call me an air-head now,
will you?!
Shampoo [as she slams Kodachi repeatedly with a filled up garbage can]: This fun, wish have
chance to do in real series!
[Suddenly, both of them receives a whack to their back of their heads. They turn around and see
a fuming Ukyou with her giant spatula in her hands.]
Ukyou: Now HOW am I supposed to make peace with her now that you two have beaten her up
like this?! She's going to be my . . . cousin-in-law, you know!
Kurumi [looking embarassed]: Oops, forgot about that, tee-hee . . .
Shampoo: Relax, spatula girl. Cousin-in-law not really close relative-AIYA!!!!
[While she is distracted, Kodachi has taken the oppotunity to slash at the right side of her lower
abdomen with a razor hoop. Shampoo immediately leaps away and lands facing her. A cut
opens up on the place that she has been slashed, and a thin trace of blood appears on the cut.]
Shampoo [screaming in fright]: AIYA!!! Psycho girl cut Shampoo on side of stomach!!
Kurumi [holding a fist at her mouth]: Oh no! Now you have to wear one-piece bathing-suits till
this ugly scar wears off!
Ukyou: That's not the problem! Shampoo, are you all right?!
Shampoo: It not too deep, luckily . . . [her face suddenly pales as she grips the wound on the
lower-right of her stomach tightly] Arg . . .
Kurumi [looking alarmed]: Shampoo?!
Shampoo [in a hushed whisper]: It hurts . . . more than should-ARRRGGGGG!!!!
[With a grunt, Shampoo collaspes onto the ground. Ukyou immediately rushes up to her side.]
Ukyou: Shampoo! Shampoo!! What's wrong?!
Shampoo: Maybe . . . ARG . . . cut deeper . . . than Shampoo thoughtYAHHHHH!!!!!!!
[Shampoo yells in pain as she crutches her side, apparently unable to further answer her friend's
question. Meanwhile, Kodachi is still sitting on the ground, staring at Shampoo's condition with
a scared look on her face as Ukyou turns to glare at her.]
Ukyou [growling with a face red with anger]: How dare you . . . HOW DARE YOU WOUND
MY FRIEND LIKE THAT?!?!?!
Kodachi [in a frightened voice]: I didn't mean for this to . . . it is her fault for beating me up in
the first place anyway!
[Ukyou looks down right murderous after hearing that.]
Ukyou [shouting as she storms toward her]: You B____!!!!!!!!! YOU HAD THE GALL TO
MORTALLY WOUND HER AND PUT THE BLAME ON HER AS WELL?!?!?!
Kodachi [scrambling back in fright]: Eh . . . Sorry?
Ukyou [as she raises her spatula]: Well, sorry doesn't cut it! Prepare yourself!!!!!
[With that, Ukyou proceeds to chase after the fleeing gymnast with promise of physical pain
written all over her. Kurumi yells after her.]
Kurumi: Wait, cousin! What will Ranma-kun think if you hurt that . . . thing that is his cousin?!
[Seeing that Ukyou is already out of earshot by then, she stomps her feet in frustration. The
moaning of Shampoo catches her attention, and Kurumi quickly picks up the Chinese girl and
makes a run for the nearest hospital.]
[Cuts to the Saotome underground dungeon cell, where a chain wrapped Ranma is wiggling on
the floor in misery.]
Ranma [in a tired voice that is choking a bit]: Ucchan . . .
[Suddenly, someone appears outside of the bars that are caging him. His eyes widens as he sees
who the person is.]
Ranma: Sister!
Sister Hinako: Shhh!!! Not so loud, boy. Your servant had already told about how the
persuasion to get your parents to agree to the union between the clans didn't go well.
Ranma: Where is Tofu now? Sister, you must hide him from my clan!
Sister Hinako: Worry not, my boy. Your servant has already escaped from Nerima with my aid.
I'm now back here to help you to carry out your vows to Ukyou, if nothing else.
Ranma: I couldn't believe it . . . my own parents, forcing me to marry another after I tried
reasoning with them as per your instructions. You must help me to get out of this jam!
Sister Hinako: I have with me a dangerous plan to prevent the wedding from happening
tomorrow, . . . one that might put your life at risk.
[As Ranma looks up at her with a glint of hope in his dark eyes.]
Ranma: I'm listening, Sister.
[Sister Hinako reaches into ther white robes and takes out a 50-yen coin.]
Sister Hinako: With this simple device, I can drain off 99% of your chi from your body. As
such, your metabolism rate will drop to near zero, meaning that your pulses and heartbeat would
have stopped ALMOST completely as well.
Ranma: That way, it will appear as if I am dead to the authorities!
Sister Hinako: For 24 hours, yes. This way, the expected wedding tomorrow shall turn into a
funeral, after which the church shall ask to have your body to stay temporary in the chapel,
where no one else can see your awakenment. Meanwhile, I shall personally send a letter to
Ukyou right this night, telling her of this plan and get her to come to the church by this time of
tomorrow's night. This way, the two of you can successfully elope! I must admit this isn't what
I have in mind when I get the Father to wed you two, but desperate situations calls for desperate
measures.
Ranma [excitedly]: Oh, Good Sister! Then please suck [he looks embarrassed as he realizes his
bad choice of word] . . . I mean, drain the life off this body right now!
Sister Hinako: Before I proceed, I must warn you: one tiny miscalculation from my part, and you
WILL be rendered dead after the draining.
Ranma: Sister, I have no fears of death . . . not when Ucchan is concerned anyway.
Sister Hinako: Such bravery and devotion from one so young . . . very well then, [she draws a
golden star of aura through the air with the coin] HAPPO-50-YEN SATU!!!
Ranma [as he closes his eyes]: Wait for me, Uc-
[With that, tendrils of bright chi abruptly shoots out of Ranma body and through the coin into
Sister Hinako's body. The force of the the chi pushes off the hood covering her now flaring long
hair, making her look quite unearthy for an instant.]
Ranma [as he quickly loses conciousness]: -cchan . . .
[Ranma's body convulses once, then relaxes as life leaves him temporarily. Hinako puts away
the coin as her hair slowly drifts down over her body again.]
Sister Hinako [giveing a breath of relief at sensing the tiny hint of chi still inhabitating Ranma's
body]: You've survived, boy. Now, to get to Ukyou . . .
[Cuts to the chase between Ukyou and Kodachi. The gymnast has to use all her skills to dodge
hail after hail of mini-spatulas that are shooting by her as she jumps from rooftop to rooftop.
Eventually, the chase comes closer and closer to the commerical district of Nerima, where the
buildings are just getting higher and higher.]
Kodachi [yelling over her shoulder as she "jumps" for her life]: Hey, harlo- I mean Kuonji!
Aren't you overreacting a bit?!?!?
Ukyou [as she throws even more mini-spatulas]: Overreacting?! OVERREACTING?!?!?! Not
till I see you in as much pain as you'd cause Shampoo shall I be overreacting!!!
[In her efforts to dodge the spatulas, the now tired Kodachi accidently misjudged the extend of
her jump . . . and falls off a ten story building. Ukyou freezes as her rage quickly subsides at
what has just happened.]
Ukyou: Oh, my GOD, what have I done?!
[She begins stepping forward to the side of the building, but stops herself before she can get any
further.]
Ukyou [sinking to her knees in tears]: What is there to see? No one can survive a 10 story drop .
. . not even anime characters. In taking revenge for my friend, I've bloodied my hands!
[Just then, she feels someone approaching her from behind. She turns around, and sees that it is
a stunned Kurumi.]
Kurumi: Well, Cousin . . . did I just see what I just see? That you've caused Kodachi to fall off
this building?
Ukyou [looking miserable]: . . . I've averaged Shampoo, but at what cost? Now I can no longer
be with my Ranchan.
Kurumi [looking uncomfortable]: Eh, actually, I have two news regarding Shampoo: one good,
and one bad.
Ukyou: PLEASE just tell me about the good one first.
Kurumi: She survived, and is now in excellent conditions according to the doctor. Give her
several days and she can move out of the hospital.
[Ukyou breaths out a sigh of relieve.]
Ukyou: Thank goodness! Eh . . . so what is the bad news?
Kurumi: The bad news is that . . . well, you do know what appendicitus is, don't you?
Ukyou: Yes, it is the inflammation of the vermiform appendix. So wha-
[Ukyou stops as the implication hits her like a ton of bricks.]
Kurumi: Well, THAT was why Shampoo was in such pain when the cut from the hoop was
really no more than a scratch.
Ukyou: You mean . . . I've just DRIVEN AN INNOCENT WOMAN TO HER UNTIMELY
GRAVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Kurumi [looking uneasy]: Basically . . . yeah.
Ukyou [screaming to the heavens]: MAY THE COALS OF HELL BEFALL UPON ME!!! [She
then breaks down in tears.]
Kurumi: Should we check and see how Kodachi . . . or what is left of her, is doing?
Ukyou: I can't face the blood and gore . . . I've made myself a murderer!!! Oh, Ranchan. Your
new wife, now forever doomed to be a criminal behind bars due to her own foolish anger . . .
Kurumi: Wait, not all is lost between the two of you yet! C'mon, you can always go to your
favourite hideout at the distant mountains. Nobody will find you there. I'll go and get Ranma
to you, and the two of you can still elope together!
Ukyou: I won't turn away from my guilt, dear Kurumi. I must pay for my crime . . .
Kurumi: No! If you do that, you . . . [thinks for a minute] Ranma-kun will be crushed! You
OWE it to him to get yourself out of this jam!
Ukyou: Ranchan . . . [she stares off into the distance] But this isn't right, I HAVE to face my
dishonor-ARG!!
Kurumi [sighing as she hammers Ukyou out of commision]: Guess the verbal approach won't
work this time.
[With that, she picks Ukyou up and leaps toward the mountain district at the edge of Nerima.]
[Cuts to the Kuoni Mansion, where a surprised Sister Hinako is talking with a servant.]
Sister Hinako: What do you mean that Ukyou might have gotten herself into trouble?!
Servant: Just what I said, Sister: young mistress was last seen chasing Kodachi through the
commerical district before they had both disappeared. Mr. and Mrs. Kuonji are now heading for
the police station.
Sister Hinako: God . . . [she thinks to herself] <It is too late to turn back now: Ranma's funeral
must be carried out by tomorrow! I can only hope that I can find that girl before she gets the
wrong idea . . .>
[Cuts to later that night, at the Nerima Police station, the Saotomes, the Kuonjis, the Principal,
and some police officers are gathered together, discussing something.]
Genma: What do you mean that you can't find my niece?! Witness had told me that she was last
seen being chased by the wretched Ukyou through the commercial district of Nerima!
Mr. Kuonji: Watch you tongue, Saotome!
Police: It had been a quiet evening in town, sir, and few people has seen what had happened. The
witness that you mentioned had only seen the two of them zooming by across the top of her
office building and nothing else: he didn't know where they had gone after that!
Genma: I don't care! I must have her back at the Saotome Mansion by tonight!
Nodoka: Now, dear, I know you're worried about her, but these gentlemen are indeed trying
their very best at the moment . . .
Genma: Doesn't matter! Tonight is the night that Kodachi had promised to give herself over to
me to celebrate the upcoming trimph of the Saotome Clan!! Shall I miss this golden oppotunity .
. .
[Finding himself under everybody's intense stares, Genma trails off meekly.]
Nodoka [frowning ever so slightly]: Dear, I hope you do remember that it is still a month before
our precious niece's 16th birthday . . .
[The police officers all glare at Genma as he laughs uneasily.]
Police: Anyway, we will try our best to find Ukyou and Kodachi as soon as possible. We can
only hope that neither of them has done something that they're going to regret to each other . . .
yet.
Principal [taking out a pair of shears]: And if they had, their hair shall pay the price.
Mr. Kunoji [raising an eyebrow]: I thought that only applies to students who fight in YOUR
schoolyard?
Principal [roaring]: I AM THE PRINCIPAL AND I'LL DISH OUT WHATEVER THAT I FEEL
LIKE DISHING OUT TO MY STUDENTS!!!!!
Mr. Kuonji [sacastically]: Sorry to ask.
[Cut to a small cave by a mountain that is obscured by heavy shrubs at its entrance, where Ukyou
and Kurumi are now sitting on a rug placed under the dim glow of an upside down electric touch
hanging from the roof of the cave. Ukyou is sitting tensely as Kurumi idly swats away the
mosquitos around them with the fly-swatter in her hand.]
Ukyou [sulking]: Great. Here I am, a suppositely angust-filled heroin tortured by unkind fate . . .
now cowering within a mosquito dent. I wish the writer would have killed me off in a dramatic
moment instead.
Kurumi [disinterestedly as she swats a mosquito]: He just might if you don't stop sulking.
Ukyou: Nah. The guy likes me too much.
Kurumi: He likes Kodachi as well, so what's the point?
[Ukyou mutters something about bad taste in women.]
Kurumi [standing up]: Anyway, cousin, just be patient and lay low for the time being, okay? I'll
go back in town and get Ranma-kun to come to you as soon as possible.
[With that, she leaves the scene. Ukyou hugs her knees to herself .]
Ukyou [in a voice filled with sad uncertainty]: Ranchan . . . will you forgive me after knowing
the horrible crime that I had committed?
[Cuts to the Saotome Mansion in the morning. The guest hall has been spendidly decorated, and
a bunch of traditionally dressed guests had gathered around in it, chattering excitedly about the
union of the Tendo and the Saotome clans. All of them are admiring the beauty of the bride,
Tendo Akane, now in a splendid, white bridal kimino that had sucessful turn the originally
tomboyish girl into a delicate piece of art-work. But most of all, her eyes are lowered in a
seemingly demure expression: something that is absolutely non-characteristic of her.]
Nodoka: Oh, Soun-san. How fair a young woman your daughter has grown up to be!
Genma: An orchid of a lady, a most worthy gift to my unworthiest son.
Soun [laughing]: Now, now, Saotome-kun, please do end you flattery. You know very well that
it is by your shiny son that my daughter shall glow. Speaking of which, canl I get the noble,
young sir to inspect this little bride that is soon to be his?
Nodoka [smiling] : The servants has been sent to prepare him for the occasion: wouldn't want
my boy to embarrass your daughter by looking unpresentable.
[The three parents laugh together. Just then, Akane's eyeslids flutters as her misty eyes slowly
begins to focus on the surroundings . . . and her head abrupty inflated into demon size.]
Akane [yelling]: WHAT IS THIS!?!?!? DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soun: Damn! The effects of the pressure point strike should have lasted longer . . .
[Akane looks down at her bridal kimono in disgust, then glares up at her father and strides up to
him.]
Akane [as she takes out her interdimential-hammer and begins charging him]: Damn it! Why
can't you see that I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED AGAINST MY WILL?!?!
Soun [sweating as he backs away]: Now, now, my daughter, I know you're obviously shy-
[Just then, several servants rush into the guest hall with frantic looks in their eyes.]
Servant 1 [to Genma]: Mas-master!!!
Genma [slightly taken back by their states]: Wh-what?
Servant 2: Young sir . . . young sir is-
Servant 3: DEAD!!!!!!!!!!
[Soun is saved as the hammer drops from Akane's numb fingers with a loud thud. Nodoka faints
as Genma sinks to his kneels. ]
Genma: My bloodline . . . my clan . . . my security in my old age . . . WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[With that, he begins to brawl in a Soun-like manner. Soun quickly joins him as he realizes what
had just happened.]
[Cuts to the interior of the cathedral, which is now illuminated by dozens of lanterns, with lines
of lit candles on both sides of the hall. The guests had all changed into black, funeral clothes.
The Father is talking about what a wonderful young man Ranma has been as the grief stricken
Saotomes and Tendos stare dumbly ahead in disbelief.]
Soun [sobbing as he whispers]: My poor baby, widowed on her wedding day . . .
Akane [without much heat to her voice]: Dad, we aren't even married yet . . .
Sister Hinako[thinking to herself]: <The plan has worked well, everybody now thinks that
Ranma has died . . . now if only I can contact Ukyou . . .>
[Just then, Kurumi steps into the cathedral with a disbelieving look on her face. After taking a
good look at the altar, she immediately runs off. Seeing that, Hinako immediately leaves her
seat to go after her.]
Sister Hinako [thinking]: <She must be going back to Ukyou . . . shall that girl be mislead by the
appearance of this scheme, God knows what will happen!>
[Cuts to the streets, where Kurumi is skipping through at humanly impossible speed.]
Sister Hinako [calling out ahead]: Kurumi, wait!
[Unfortunately, Kurumi can't hear a word that she is saying. Seeing that she can't get catch up
with the faster runner, Hinako flips out a coin in hopes of draining Kurumi enough to slow her
down. Just then, Kurumi leaps over a two story building that is in her path, and Hinako
completely loses track of her.]
Sister Hinako [panting as she stops running]: Damn!
[Cut to the afternoon, at the mountain area near the hideout. A towel clad Ukyou is currently
washing her long hair beside a river. Afterwards, she warps a smaller towel around her head and
begins to squeeze her hair dry.]
Ukyou [staring into her own refection in the water as she dries her hair]: Ranchan, even if you
can come to me, and that we can elope together, what then? I'll still be a criminal on the run,
and the two of us have as much of a chance of surving as a pair of fish out of the water. Oh,
ruthless fate . . . why put these obstacles in the path of our love?
[Just then, Ukyou feels someone stepping up from behind her and turns around. It is Kurumi,
with traces of tears in her eyes. Ukyou is a bit taken back.]
Ukyou: Kurumi-chan, what . . .?
Kurumi [in a shaky voice]: Cousin, prepare yourself for this new that I have bring forth . . . least
you be shattered by grief.
[Ukyou's eyes widens in fear as the towel in her hands slips, allowing a rich flow of wet locks to
flow down her shoulders and back.]
[Cuts to the evening across the city of Nerima, where a girl with long hair, a white gown and a
giant spatula on her back is leaping from rooftop to rooftop through Nerima. As she skips by the
police station, the cops that sports her leaping by immediately begin to chase after her.]
Cops [yelling after her in microphones]: Hey, Wait up! We need to to take you in for
questioning!
[Pretty soon the chase passes by the cathedral, where the Saotome Family Ninjas that sports her
immediately begins to chase after her as well. Sister Hinako, who has been waiting outside the
cathedral gates for all the while, begins to chase after her as well.]
Ninjas [yelling after her as well]: Wait up! Master Genma had given the order to terminate your
treacherous self before tonight ends!!
Sister Hinako [as she jumps into a car to drive after the girl]: Ukyou! Be not hasty in you
actions! There is much more to this deal than what meets the eyes!
[Pretty soon, the ninja begin to shoot shrunkens and darts after the girl, which of couse doesn't
go too well with the cops. Pretty soon, a fight consisting of flying shrunkens and sooming
bullets erupts even as the chase continues. Seeing that, Sister Hinako immediately takes out a
-yen coin and thrusts it through the car-window.]
Sister Hinako: HAPPO-5-YEN-SATU!!!!!
[Ignoring the sounds of combat and moaning from behind her, the girl keeps on running as she
leads the particularly destructive group further and further away from the cathedral. As the
camera closes in on her, we suddenly realizes that she is actually . . . a wig wearing Kurumi.]
Kurumi [thinking to herself as she leaps over an energy-absorbing beam from Hinako]: <Cousin
Ukyou, now is you chance to go to your love!>
[Cuts back to the interior of the cathedral building, where a girl is now standing before the
interior gates that leads to the chapel. She is now wearing a simple, white kimomo, with a white
length of ribbon tied around her head as a sign of mourning. Her eyes are glassy, but her hands
are clearly shaking as it touches the cross sign on the gate. With a light push from her hand, the
gates sides open, presenting ghostly scene to her eyes. Here is a dark, magnificent hall, dimly
illuminated by the lanterns hanging from the various stands beside the benches. The two sides
of the hall are now lined with burning candles, as are the steps leading to the drap-covered altar .
. . where a shadowy figure is now lying on. The girl steps forward as she whispers faintly.]
Ukyou: You know what, Shampoo?
[As she steps even closer, the flawless form of her love becomes apparent as she sees through
the shadow.]
Ukyou [as tears drips down from her eyes]: Dreams are not to be taken lightly afterall . . .
[Gently stepping up to the altar, Ukyou takes a close look at Ranma. He is now in a set of white
robes, with his hair flowing down freely to his chest. Ukyou runs a hand through his long hair as
she takes in the of his face.]
Ukyou: Love . . . [choking from a sob] you look so handsome . . . it's almost like you're just
asleep there and not actually . . . [finally sobbing] dead . . .
[Unseen to her, Ranma's fingers begins to twitch.]
Ukyou: Poor my lord . . . Why is it that you should be the one dead when it is ME who had
committed a murder? It's just not fair . . .
[She leans down and lightly brushes against Ranma's lips with her own, stainning Ranma's face
with her tears as a result. Leaning back from him, Ukyou gently rubs the sparkling drops off his
face with a delicate hand.]
Ukyou: But then again, life isn't really meant to be fair, is it, Love?
[Reaching into the flowing sleeve of her kimono, she takes out one of her sharpened
mini-spatulas. Closing her eyes, she holds it up with both hands . . . with the sharp edge aiming
for
her heart.]
Ukyou [in a gentle voice]: Soon, Ranchan, soon we shall be together . . . in a place where
nothing can come between us anymore . . .
Ukyou: With this act that shall purge my sins . . .
Ukyou: The two of us can be together . . .
Ukyou: Forever.
[She raises the spatula and prepares to stab it into her left chest.]
Voice: HEY!!!
[With that, a foot extends from seeming nowhere and kicks the spatula out of Ukyou's hands.
Ukyou looks up and sees Akane there, looking at her disbelievingly.]
Akane: Kuonji Ukyou from the 1B class? What that hell are you doing here?!
Ukyou: I'm trying to lead a noble death to pay for my sins and to be with my love always! What
are YOU doing here?!
Akane: I'm here to pay my respects to Ranma!
Ukyou: Huh? I thought you didn't want to marry him in the first place . . .
Akane: So? That doesn't mean that I can't at least LIKE the poor guy in a friendly fashion. I
mean, his . . . death has OBVIOUSLY got something to do with being forced by his parents to
marry me. [Her voice lowers] I guess I feel kinda guilty because of it . . .
Ukyou [puts a hand on her shoulder]: Akane . . .
Akane: Ukyou . . .
Ukyou: Now can you please step aside and allow me to die in honor and peace?
[Akane facefaults.]
Akane [as she recovers]: Ukyou, surely there is another way out of this . . .
Ukyou [shaking her head]: Akane, there is no way out for me now, not after I've killed Kod-
[Suddenly, the chapel gates are pushed open as a familiar figure bounces in, effectively cutting
her off. It turns out to be . . . a slightly disheveled looking KODACHI.]
Kodachi [as she charges Ukyou]: Kuonji! Prepare yourself!
Ukyou [yelling in fright]: AH!!!!! The vengeful spirit has come to seek my blood!!!
Kodachi [as she whacks Ukyou's head with a club]: WHO'S A VENGEFUL SPIRIT?!?!?!
Ukyou [babbling incoherently]: But . . . I thought . . . you . . . the ten stories . . .
[Kodachi grunts in disgust, but seemingly relents a bit as she does so.]
Kodachi: Okay, you imbecile, it went like this . . .
[Scene shows Kodachi falling off the edge of the building . . . and through layers and layers of
canvas that just happen to be in her path. After a particularly painful looking fall through a
plastic awning, she hits the back of a truck filled with sawdust that is convieniently driving by
and passes out. Eventually, she wakes up again . . . right before she is about to be recycled along
with the sawdust. Cuts back to the present as Kodachi tries to strangle an enlightened looking
Ukyou with her bare hands.]
Kodachi: And this is all your fault, you harlot!
[She is immediately slammed down to the ground by a giant spatula that appears seemingly out
of nowhere.]
Ukyou [smiling with relief as she puts the spatula away]: Knowing that you're not dead, I don't
feel quite so guilty anymore.
[Kodachi gets up painfully. She then looks past Ukyou with a puzzled look in her eyes.]
Kodachi: What is cousin dear doing on the altar?
Ukyou [looking insulted and sad at the same time]: What do you think? He's gone . . .
[Kodachi simply responses by pointing past her. Ukyou follows the direction of her finger . . .
and her eyes bug out at seeing Ranma smiling up at her with melting eyes. Akane screams and
whips out her inter-dimensional hammer.]
Akane [yelling as she hammers him on the face]: AHH!!!!! ZOMBIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
[Ukyou pushes off the hammer and hesistantly approaches Ranma, who is rubbng his nose in
pain.]
Ukyou [in a voice of awe]: Ranchan . . . you're still alive . . .?
Ranma [laughing a bit as the pain wears off]: Well, I can't be dead to be able to talk to you like
this, can I?
Akane [as she recovers]: You baka! I almost felt sad seeing you dead this morning! How dare
you fake your own death to all your love ones?!
Ranma [looking curious]: What are you being so upset for? Now that everybody thinks that I'm
dead, you don't have to be forced into marrying me anymore. Unless, of course, that you
secretly long to-ARK!!!!
[Ranma is immediately cut off by the all too famous inter-dimensional hammer.]
Akane [as she puts away the hammer]: Don't flatter yourself.
[Ranma painfully sits up again, and is about to retort as Ukyou glomps onto him as if her life
depends on it.]
Ukyou [sobbing]: Oh, Ranchan!!! We're finally free to elope now!
Voice: That's what you think, young lady.
[Ukyou and Ranma looks up to see the Saotomes, Kuonjis, and the Tendos all appearing from
seemingly out of nowhere.]
Ranma: Mom, Pop.
Ukyou: Where did you guys come from?!
Mr Kuonji: We've been here all this time, girl. I think you owe us an explanation for
disappearing last night.
Genma [bellowing]: RANNNMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE
YOU LIE TO YOUR OWN PARENTS THIS WAY?!
Soun: [crying]: WAHHHHH!!!!! MY BABY CAN GET MARRIED AFTER ALL!!!
[Akane groans as Ranma sighs.]
Ranma: Damn! Now everything is back to phase one after all these efforts . . .
Nodoka: That's what you think, dear son.
Ranma: Eh?
[Nodoka turns Ukyou with a solemn expression on her face.]
Nodoka: Miss Kuonji, I hold you responsible for all of this: planning to elope with my son,
putting him into a position that leads him to faking death to his own family, thus turning him
utterly against his parents . . .
Ukyou [trying to protest]: Mrs. Saotome, please try to understand . . .
Nodoka [suddenly smiling]: Thank you.
[Ranma and Ukyou, not to mention Genma and Kodachi, are all dumbfounded by this.]
Genma: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Nodoka [smiling fondly]: After seeing all that he did for you, and what you've almost done for
him, I know that my son has finally found someone that he can place above everything else. He
can now be happy for the rest of his life.
Ukyou [looking touched]: Mrs. Saotome . . .
Nodoka: If your parents will permit you to, I would like to have you call me mother.
[The Kuonjis are surprised by this turn of evens to say the least.]
Mrs. Kuonji: Saotome . . . I mean, Nodoka-san . . .
Mr. Kuonji: You do realize that our families have been fighting like cats and dogs for ages . . .
Ranma [cutting in]: Kuonji-san, that's exactly why the fighting should come to an end! It has
gone on for long enough already!
Genma: What are you talking about, boy?! Fighting an enemy to the end is the integral part of
the Saotome School! It is everything that our family name . . .
[He trails off soundlessly as Nodoka unsheaths her katana and flashing its cold light at him. She
then resheaths it and turns back to the Kuonjis.]
Nodoka: I have full confidience that I can get my husband to behave if needed. Like my son has
said, this has feud gone on far too long for the sanity of the clan members of both sides already.
I would like to have it dissolved right here today . . . for the sakes of both our children.
[Mr. Kuonji turns to Ukyou, who gives him a pleading look. He turns back to his wife, and sees
the same look on her face. He pounders for a moment, and finally turns back to Nodoka again.]
Mr. Kuonji: You speaks wisely, Nodoka-san. Very well, the feud between our families ends
here today!
[Genma begins to brawl as Kodachi sighs in resignation. Ranma and Ukyou take each other's
hands with hopeful smiles on their faces. Akane smiles, seemingly happy for them.]
Soun: This is certainly a joylious occasion . . . BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT
BETWEEN RANMA AND AKANE?!?!?!
Akane: DAD!
Nodoka: I'm very sorry, Soun-san. But I think it would be better for you to just allow your
daugher to chose her own love: a boy forced into marrying your daughter can't possible give her
what she really needs from a husband.
[Soun begins crying as Akane frowns.]
Akane: If you understand that, then why . . .
Nodoka: Why did I force you to marry Ranma? [She looks uncomfortable] Since you are such an
extraordinary girl, I just could't help but want to make you my son's. I'm sorry, dear, I was
being selfish.
Akane: It's okay, as long as I'm free to search for my own dreams . . . [she begins to drag her
father out of the cathedral] C'mon, dad, let's go.
Ranma [as he holds Ukyou in his arms]: Now we can finally be together . . .
Mr. Kuonji: Not so soon, boy.
[Ranma and Ukyou both look startled to hear that.]
Ukyou [protesting]: But Dad, the feud is over already!
Mr. Kuonji: Yes, and so is your depression over that Konatsu boy. I didn't want to bring this up
in the past, but your marks has been staying far too long in the lower levels for my comfort. The
fact that you've skipped school yesterday doesn't help much either.
Ukyou: . . .
Mr. Kuonji: Now that you have finally got over your depression, I want you to start taking school
seriously again. I want to see you make the honor roll again, and being a premature housewife
will only prevent you from archieving that.
Ukyou: But Dad . . .
Mr. Kuonji: However, if do I see improvement in your schoolwork, then Ranma-kun is always
allowed to keep on courting you in a more or less virtuous manner.
Ukyou [looking dejected]: And I thought me and Ranchan can actually consumate our marriage
right this night . . .
[Ranma blushes as the Kuonjis look scandalized.]
Ranma [to Ukyou]: Sometimes, I think you're too aggressive for your own good.
Nodoka: Now dear, it isn't that bad. The day shall come when both of you will be ready for that
. . . after University, of course.
Ukyou: I guess you're right. As long as the two of us are allowed to be together . . .
Ranma: We'll be happy.
[The two of them enjoys yet another embrace.]
Ukyou [as she rests her face on Ranma's shoulder]: Sigh! This is the perfect ending to our story
. . . but why do I feel that I have forgotten something?
[Cuts to the midnight, where an exhausted Kurumi is still leading the cops, the ninjas and the
chi-zapping nun through the town in the destructive chase.]
Kurumi [as she dodges some more shrunkens]: Those hounds are impossible to lose! Oh! The
things that I will do for my love-crazed cousin!!
[As the chase continues on, the group runs past a handsome young man who is leaning
impassively against a wall.]
Tatewaki: Some shall be satisfied by the turn of events,
[Cuts to future scenes of Ranma and Ukyou on dates together, as well as some other scenes with
Akane dating boys of her own choice.]
And some shall not be.
[Cuts to future scenes of Genma and Soun looking sad and dejected.]
But never was a story sillier than this
Of Ukyou and Ranma.
T h e E n d
>From Adrian Wong <711788@ican.net>
August 25, 1997.