Ranma 1/2 - All mixed up chapter 3&4

Disclaimer: The extremely funny and unique characters belong and are
copyrighted to the talanted and humourous Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
Communications, Shogakukan Inc. and other such clever companies who know
something good when they see it (ie, Ranma 1/2).


With thanks to SlayerNext, Emily Siazon, Soren Smith, Andrew M. Petalik and
of course, Lashawn M. Taylor!

(XXX) = actions/description       
~XXX~ = sound effects       
[XXX] = signs (mostly Genma-panda)

Chapter 3: Going out.

(Ranma and Ryoga sit down at a table with Cologne.)

Ranma: (his chair leans dangerously to one side but he catches himself) whoa!
Ryoga: (smug) looks like you got the defective chair Ranma, quite apt really.
Ranma: (daggers in eyes) you...!
Cologne: now boys, it's no time to play games. (to Ranma) I assume you want
to help your fiancee, groom?
Ranma: even a macho chick like Akane don't deserve to be in love with an
idiot like Kuno!
Cologne: (flatly) I was referring to Shampoo, son-in-law.
Ranma: (nervous) uh... I knew that. I'm not dumb!
Ryoga: some might disagree with that statement. 
Ranma: (to Ryoga) once this is all over, I'm gonna kick you --
Cologne: -- could you two stop your fighting and listen, _now_! I don't want
my great-grandaughter to become such a weakling. Word from China has reached
me that a young Amazon, who was dabbling in a mind-altering drug in order to
win over her husband, dropped the unfinished drug into the local river in
anger and impatience. A sample was caught and it turns out that she
accidently created a "spirit cloud" which travels in the wind, attracted to
areas of high magical and spiritual energy. It chose Nerima for obvious
reasons and fell down as rain. It will fall down in three bursts. Anyone 
touched by even one drop of it have their personalities warped but not
completely changed. Any other questions, groom? ...Groom? 
Ranma: (thinks) I hope Akane's OK, it'd be really sick if she stayed in love
with Kuno. What would happen the -- (out loud) uh... what? 
Ryoga: Ranma, you weren't daydreaming about anyone, were you?
Ranma: I don't daydream about a tomboy like Akane! Who would?!
Ryoga: (a bit shocked) I... never mentioned Akane.
Ranma: Um. Heh... I knew that. I was just ..uh.. er... 
Ryoga: Ranma, you really do -- 
Ranma: -- So ghoul, is there a cure for this purple rain thing or what?
Cologne: knowledge of spirit clouds is sparse and has only ever existed in
legend. There is no known cure.
Ranma: that can't be right!!
Cologne: but that doesn't mean there can't be. I'm working on it, groom. Just
keep taking those preventative pills and check up with me later.
Ryoga: nothing else we can do?
Cologne: you could see if anyone el --

~Slam!~
(Someone bursts through the front entrance.)

Nodoka: son, there you are! You're OK! (hugs him tightly) Oh, sweetie
darling, I was so worried about you! (starts to cry) It's so cold outside,
today!
Ranma: hey, mom! What's up? You're all wet.
Nodoka: this ghastly coloured rain just ruined my fab new haircut! Look at
me! I'm a total fashion disaster in need of help, ASAP!!
Ranma: wh --? Mom, what are you wearing??!

(Nodoka stands up uneasily in her high, high-heels, adjusting her very short
red leather dress, her mascara is smudged and she is on the verge of more
tears. Her hair is in a frizzy perm, a slightly flattened frizzy perm. She
has a tiny leather handbag also and tosses off her wedding ring.) 

Nodoka: (to Cologne) hey granny, do you have a ladies room here? I need to
freshen up!
Cologne: there's a bathroom just at the back. I'll lead you there. 
Nodoka: (to a very shocked Ranma) my little sweetie, (gives him a quick kiss
on his cheek) I'll be back in an instant and we can go shopping, okee dokee?
See if there's a Harvey Nicks in town.
Ranma: (jaw dropped to the floor) (gaping) ....
Nodoka: oh goody then! (totters off, tripping on her shoes) Dearie me, I'm so
clumsy!

(Ranma and Ryoga are left staring after her)

Ryoga: and I thought your dad was an idiot.
Ranma: ....
Ryoga: hey Ranma, are you still with this world?
Ranma: ....  
Ryoga: (grins) oh, what a shame! It's just a pity that, unlike you, I'm
honourable enough _not_ to take advantage of this situation. Aaargghh! It's
just too hard!!!! I want to tear you apart from limb to limb _so_ much!

~Wham!~

Ryoga: hey!
Ranma: (removes his fist from Ryoga's face) lucky for you I woke up, then.
Nodoka: (comes back, looking slightly better for ware) my, my son, don't be
so violent now. You could hurt your friend! 
Ranma: that's the point.
Nodoka: (takes his hand) c'mon, son.
Ranma: what is it?
Nodoka: I thought I'd take you shopping, darling... for some new clothes.
Ranma: I'm fine as I am.
Nodoka: I absolutely insist, my treatsy! Some nice, pretty dresses for your
feminine side to look good in, sweetie-pie!
Ranma: NO WAY...!!! Uh.. Mom... no thanks..
Ryoga: oh, go on Ranma, you know you want to.
Ranma: why --
Nodoka: you can bring your mate, too. I might even get you both a facial as a
bonus, you adorable little sweethearts!! Oh golly, I'm coming out in a flush!
(fans herself with a napkin from a table)
Ranma: he's not anywhere near being my friend!
Ryoga: I have an... urgent appointment to get to! Bye! (dashes out)
Nodoka: bye, cutie-pie! (sighs) If I was only twenty years younger.
Cologne: groom, you might want to know that it is raining outside.
Ranma: so?
Cologne: it's _raining_. And Ryoga, without an umbrella, is outside.
Ranma: (pause) (realises) Oh! Raining...!! So? 
Cologne: the rain could make Ryoga a match for you, being as extremely weak
and defenceless against your _highly_superior abilties as he _always_ is, of
course.
Ranma: you really think so? (runs outside) Hey, Ryoga!     
Cologne: sometimes, the groom is too easy to fool. (holds up Ranma's pill box
in satisfaction.)

(Meanwhile, outside in the purple rain, Ranma spots Ryoga further down the
street. Ryoga is down on his knees, his fists gripped tightly together and
his face screwed up in determination. Neither notice one important happening
in the downpour.)

Ranma: (runs over to him) hey, Ryoga, you OK man?
Ryoga: (gritted teeth) must fight it... must...!
Ranma: c'mon, let's get back to the cafe before it takes effect.
Ryoga: (stands up slowly) too late...! Compulsion too great...
Ranma: for what? Compulsion for what?
Ryoga: I want to be...
Ranma: to be..?
Ryoga: t-to be...
Ranma: this doesn't sound too good.
Ryoga: ...your best buddy!
Ranma: (upset and shocked) no way! Fight it, Ryoga, fight it!!
Ryoga: no, I can't. I... I... l-like and respect you too much to.... to ever
h-hate you!
Ranma: you can beat this thing!
Ryoga: I'm sorry...
Ranma: no...! No Ryoga! You're tougher than this! 
Ryoga: but...
Ranma: (hopeful) yeah?
Ryoga: I love you, man! (hugs Ranma) You're my best bud and my hero! (gets
violently dispatched) (covered in bruises) And such a kidder too! (laughs)
(pats Ranma hard on his back with his usual delicacy and grace) Isn't this
world so wonderful? (starts singing) I'll be there for yoouuu...! Like you're
there for me tooo..!
Ranma: (picks himself out of the pavement) (to himself) I have to get out of
here before I go insane.. spiritual cloud or no spiritual cloud! (starts to
run towards somewhere.. anywhere)
Ryoga: see you later, sempai! (cheery, fangy smile, bordering on the slightly
disturbing)
Ranma: uh yeah... (runs even faster) (thinks) How long is this rain gonna
last?   

(A few minutes later, Ranma reaches the busy high street. Thugs are
ransacking stores, sorry, policemen are ransacking stores; shop owners are
not caring less and the eldery are beating up a bunch of young,
leather-jacketed bikers -- who are pleading for their lives. It suddenly
stops raining.)

Ranma: (looks around) this place is crazy, how can it get any worse?
Voice: take a lookie at that "guy" over there, Ko-chan, isn't he just the
grossest wimp on my beloved Kuno's earth?
Ranma: who --? (turns around) Is it you...? Akane? And Kodachi?
Kodachi: (in long, cream dress with hair in a braid, holding a basket of
groceries; safe and normal groceries) (her and Akane are underneath an
umbrella) he f-frighten's me!!! Akane-chan, c-can we leave now? (cowers
behind Akane) I want to g-go h-home!
Akane: surely we can Ko-chan! This really horrible guy makes me want to throw
uppy-wuppy. Never thought someone could be as ugly as my Tatty-chan is
handsome. (sighs lovingly) Oh Tatewaki, why can't you wuv me too, my widdle
baby! (cries into a pink lace hankie) 
Ranma: your baby?! Akane, you're not preg --
Akane: -- perverted idiot! I mean, Kuno's my baby! (sighs)
Ranma: you called me perverted... and an idiot? 
Akane: (bemused) yes?
Ranma: (smiles) Akane.. do you think I'm an arrogant jerk also?
Akane: yes, definitely. Why does that make you so happy, ugly face?
Ranma: (grins) yes!! There's hope yet for you, Akane! You'll be back to a
macho chick in no time!
Akane: I'll get Kuno-chan on you! When he finally accepts my proposal of
marriage that is...
Ranma: (misses the last bit) you'll be back to beating me up by yourself,
soon! I can't wait!! ...Kind of.  
Kodachi: (tugs on Akane's sleeve) he's weird, Akane-chan! I'm sc-scared. Can
we go now, pretty-pretty please with cherries on top?
Akane: okay dokey, Ko-chan. Let's fix Kuno-chan a surprise dinner. (giggles
incessantly) 
Kodachi: yaaay! (they skip happily off)
Ranma: there's one fate Kuno deserves... Akane's cooking. Unless she can cook
now without committing a environmental health violation. (shakes head) No,
I'm not lucky enough for that. (tug on leg) Huh? Happosai; back to normal,
yet?
Happosai: I haven't felt so alive in years!! Do you think my tuxedo looks
good? (adjusts bow-tie)
Ranma: why?
Happosai: I've got these roses and this ring (shows both) and I'm going to
propose to Cologne-san!
Ranma: ugh, I don't even want to think about _that_!! (thinks) Considering
how close I came to it a while back. (shivers)
Happosai: I'll see you later m'boy! (bounces off)
Ranma: (still shivering) imagine what would have happened if I'd taken the
permenant pill. (goes _very_ pale) (hits head) Aw heck! I forgot about mom!!
I'd better --
Voice: -- darling, there you are!!! Let's shop til we drop and then get a
makeover!!!
Ranma: run as fast as I can. (shouts) I'll just look around, mom, and meet up
with you later! See you!
Voice: bye sweetie-darling! I'm off to find some Bolly then. Ta-ra! Ooh ooh,
and call me "mummy" in future!
Ranma: (to himself) now, what do I do? ~Ping!~ (Lightbulb above head)
Ucchan's!! Of course! 

End of chapter 3...

C&C wanted. Is this chapter better or worse than the last two? (E me for a
copy) I'm no Rumiko Takahashi! BTW, I'm perfectly aware of the Prince thingy
called "Purple Rain", it was deliberate. Also I hope that the influence for
Nodoka's new character is obvious enough, sweetie darlings. ^_^
PS, it's "mate" as in pal or friend, I was just trying to use something
different.

Chapter 4: The man in black (and silver).


(Ranma is making his way to "Ucchan's" when he spots purple rain clouds
beginning to form overhead.)

Ranma: uh-oh, at least I have my pills. (Looks in pocket) Hey, where'd they
go?! Could they be at --?

~Faint ka-blam!~

Ranma: huh? What's that in the sky? 

(The thing comes hurtling towards Ranma and he simply dodges it as it slams
into the ground. As the cloud of dust dissipates, he recognises who it is.)

Ranma: so Happosai.... the ghoul didn't take to well to your marriage
proposal, ne?
Happosai: (covered in bruises, bloody cuts and a deep impression of a cane on
his face, some of his joints seem slightly out of place) (coughs) she's just
playing... ~kof!~ ...hard t-to get.. ~kaf!~ ...my lovely Cologne-san. 
Ranma: I think she's sincerely repulsed.. or not so sincerely. Hmm... I
didn't think a limb could bend that way? Are you double-jointed, Happosai?
Happosai: ~kof!~ ~kaf!~ no. But fear not... I shall win that fair maiden's
heart yet! (dashes back in the direction of the Cat Cafe.) (croaks into
distance) My dear Cologne-san, your Happy's coming foooor yoooouuuu!!! 
Ranma: now _there's_ a chilling threat if I ever heard one. (continues on his
way and sees "Ucchan's" in a matter of minutes with Konatsu's not so cheerful
face greeting him. Konatsu is standing beside the slightly ajar entrance of
the restaurant and occasionally glances inside. He seems to be shocked by
something inside.)
Ranma: Hey, Konatsu! I'm here to check up on Ucchan. What's going on? 
Konatsu: I'm not quite sure but Ukyo's acting strangely. Her behaviour's gone
from bad to worse today... She's driven away all her customers.
Ranma: (sad) poor Ucchan, she musta been caught by the purple rain.
Konatsu: purple rain?
Ranma: uh yeah, it causes people to act weird. Most of Nerima seems to be
affected. (starts to step inside to have a look.)
Konatsu: (stops him) be prepared for a shock, Ranma. It's not pretty.
Ranma: heh. After what I've already seen today I think I can pretty much
handle anything. (opens the door) Ucchan, where are you? (looks around at the
'decorations') A dartboard with a picture of me on it... "I hate Ranma" and
"Ranma is a triple-timing womanising perverted jerk" scrawled on the wall and
on burnt okonomiyake... (thinks) Seems Ukyo hates me, kinda like Akane except
that Ukyo loves me, and Akane...? Does Akane -- ?
Konatsu: that's what she was like this morning, obsessing madly about you and
planning your downfall.  But then she went out in a rage when I asked what
was wrong.. and came back... very different.
Ranma: I'm sure it can't get much worse than this.
Voice: (from just out of sight) Oho-oho-ho-oh-hohohoh!!! 
Ranma: (shakes head) (feeling of impending doom) no, oh no, not that...
Konatsu: (sad) yes, that. And it gets worse...
Darkened figure: (appearing from the back) Ohhohohoo...! Konatsu, what's the
matter? I was trying to do a tattoo to convey my anger with the oppressive
establishment. (eyes start to glaze over) And who is this.. this... 
Ranma: is that you, Ucchan? It's me, Ranma.
Ukyo: (wearing a long, black ripped dress with slightly torn tights, the top
of the dress is rather revealing and there seems to be a botched-up attempt
of a tattoo on her arm. She has dark lipstick on and black make-up
surrounding her eyes, giving her a Gosunkugi look. The hair is loose and
tangled like she's just stepped out of a hedge and into a heavy metal concert
in full swing.) (to Ranma) Ranma...! (whips a blackened spatula out
murderously)
Ranma: ulp... Ucchan! 
Ukyo: (descends on him with a strange look in her eyes) Ooohh... Ranma,
you're.....
Ranma: I won't fight you, I --
Ukyo: ...gorgeous! Come here, baby!
Ranma: uhh?! But I thought you hated me! (to Konatsu) I thought you said --
Ukyo: (shrugs) change of heart. Now I _want_ you, right here, right now.
(whips out an odd-smelling okonomiyake and waves it infront of the two)
Ranma: (at the door) this doesn't smell right, Konatsu. I'm gonna see how the
old mummy's getting along with an antidote. You keep an eye on Ukyo. (feels a
little woozy) There's something familiar about that smell...
Konatsu: I don't feel too good, a little sleepy... but I don't recommend
going outside either. The purple rain is back.
Ranma: aw heck, and I have no pills left!
Ukyo: (to Ranma) (sultry voice) Let's cook us up a real fire, lover boy.
(bats her eyelashes seductively)
Ranma: (nervous) I.. uh... _really_ have to go! A dentist appointment! (runs
outside) (a sudden breeze whisks by him) (looks around) Konatsu was right, it
_is_ raining... but I'm not affected? Why? (turns to see an old man holding
an umbrella over him, he has a withered, melancholy look to his face and
wears a tattered old black and silver Chinese-style outfit) Who -- ?!
Old man: (whispers) take this and be careful, (hands him the umbrella) I have
to go before she sees me! (runs off at high speed)
Ranma: (runs after him) wait up! Who are you?! 
Ukyo: hey baby, don't leave me, come back! (runs after him)

(Ukyo loses Ranma when she succumbs to the toxic smell of her own sleeping
gas from the okonomiyake. Ranma gives up chasing the mysterious person after
a few miles through winding streets.) 

Ranma: Geez, that old guy's quick! He must be a martial arts master, he was
able to sneak up on me without me noticing for quite a bit. Hardly anyone can
do that. I wonder who he was...? (checks out the area he's in) Seems
familiar... (recognition dawns) Not the Kuno's! I don't know if I could
handle "Kuno-chan" again. Brrr... (starts to walk away)
Voice: (crying) waaahh!!! ~sniff~ Mommmyyy! ~sniffle~ I want my mommy!!

(Ranma notices someone curled up, leaning against the wall of the Kuno's
garden. It seems to be a girl but he can't see their face.)   

Ranma: (walks over) are you alright? (kneels down) (gently turns them to face
him) Gaah! Akane? What happened?
Akane: (a bundle of tears) (very pale) a n-nasty man in tye-dye tried to hurt
me when I was having a picnic with my friend in her backgarden. I want my
mommy! (bursts into tears)
Ranma: (angry) I'll make Kuno pay, bigtime!!!  
Akane: (very meek and quiet voice) you don't have to but could you please not
hurt anyone. I don't like violence and confrontations are so messy... but you
do whatever you want to do.  I don't mind. So sorry! (starts to cry again)
Ranma: (softening) hey, no big deal, Akane. I won't hurt Kuno... I promise.
Akane: thank-you, you're the nicest person I've ever met. I'm feeling very
tired... can you carry me home? 
Ranma: uh... yeah, sure. (gently puts his arms around her and lifts her up,
she snuggles up to him and wraps her arms around his neck) (his face goes
beetroot red as he struggles with some internal battle and he suddenly runs
towards the Tendo's at a very fast speed)
Akane: please slow down, dear Ranma, I feel sick...
Ranma: of course. (slows down instantly) (thinks) She's so weak! After I take
her back, I'm gonna see the old ghoul and nothin' can slow me down this time.
I miss the old Akane... I really do... 

(A short while later, Ranma arrives at the Tendo's and uses a rather
conservative manner to enter the house -- through the doorway.)

Ranma: the place seems pretty quiet. Yo Akane, we're here now. Akane? (he
realises she's fallen asleep) (kneels down and gently puts her down on the
sofa in the living room) (quietly) There ya go... (stands up)
Akane: (whispers something very quietly) 
Ranma: what? Speak louder. 
Akane: (coughs pathetically and beckons him towards her)
Ranma: (kneels back down again beside her) what is it?
Akane: (croaks very quietly) I.. I...
Ranma: (stares intently trying to read her lips and strains to hear) yes?
Akane: I love you!
Ranma: what?! (freezes in shock)
Akane: (grabs his head and kisses him passionately on the lips for what seems
forever but is actually a minute or two) 
Ranma: (snaps out of his shock and backs away) (reddens intensely) A...
Akane! Y-you --?! I --?! W-we --?!
Akane: I love you so very much, my dear, adorable Ranma-chan! (smiles at him
lovingly)
Ranma: (neural sensory overload) (heart does the New York marathon in record
time) I... I..! 

~flump!~
(Ranma faints)

Akane: (struggles up despite actually being a bit tired) no, my love!
Voice: (from the entrance of the living room) hmmm... this, I could make
something out of.

(A while later... In the living room)

Ranma: (wakes up) (slowly sits up) (eyes not yet open) ooh god! What a dream
I had. The whole of Nerima went nuts and Akane kissed me.  
Akane: that's right, my sweet. It was a whole hours ago... Feels like
forever! (sighs and hugs him)
Ranma: (blushes red) I w-wasn't dreaming?
Akane: And soon we'll be married! (hugs him even tighter)
Ranma: muh-married?! Uh-us?! (thinks) Doesn't that involve commitment?
Akane: (ultra sympathetic) poor thing, you're developing a stutter! (pinches
his cheeks) 
Ranma: stop pinching me! And who're you gonna get to marry us, ne, ne?
Everyone in this town has gone crazy! (seems happy with this answer)
Akane: why, my love... the lovely Tatewaki Kuno.
Ranma: Kuno?! That twerp!
Akane: why the nice religous people made him a priest today!
Ranma: how long did it take him to do that?
Akane: ooh, about an hour. The same as your father.
Ranma: My father's a priest?
Akane: no...
Ranma: oh, good.
Akane: (smile) ...he's a monk! Doesn't that news just brighten up your day?
Committing himself to religion.
Ranma: hmmm... living a life of poverty and servitude -- 
Akane: it isn't like --
Ranma: -- not able to stuff his face day and ni --
Akane: -- that at all, Ra -- 
Ranma: -- yes!! Woohooo! I''m rid of him! Forever!!! (jumps up in
celebration)
Akane: (examining him with worry) Ranma-chan, I think that the stress is
getting to you. How about a lie-down.. on my bed. (smiles not-so-innocently)
Voice: (behind Ranma) (iceberg-cool) I wouldn't recommend that. It'll cost
you to keep it secret.
Ranma: huh? Nabiki? (turns around with Akane clasped to his side) No, it's a
guy!
A Guy: (stony-faced) Very funny, Ranma. You already owe me for the Akane
kiss. Plus tax and other expenses. Plus, if you want  on the cure, that'll
cost you even more...
Ranma: hey, you look a little different in a black business suit... but I
recognise your voice! You're...

End of chapter 4...

Bwahaahaahaaaa....!!! I'm going to leave it hanging, just like that! (I can
see the suspence is driving you crazy ^_^) C&C _really_ wanted on this part
(even if the maniacal laughing makes me look incapable of finishing this
story ; ) !