WoLF pokes his head out of the corner of your screen and makes sure
you're not paying attention. With a mighty leap, he jumps into the 
middle of your screen with the C&C rifle pointing right at you.

       BANG!
     /      \
    /        \
   /          \
  /            \
 /              \
/                \

  Seven Sins
Avarice(part 1 ).
by David Houghton

This C&C is not brought to you by The Comment Patrol. Just me trying to
lend a helping hand.

On with the show.

Nabiki wondered when Ranma would admit he sometimes thought of himself
as  female after all why else... would he call Akane a sexless tomboy
unless he feels that's what he is. And that would only make sense if
he saw himself as female. Nabiki shook her head at that Ranma was 
definitely male.

This paragraph is hard to follow. Try this:
Nabiki wondered when Ranma would admit that he sometimes thought of
himself as a female. After all, why else would he call Akane a 
sexless tomboy unless he felt that he was a better woman. 

The last two phrases are superfluous and confusing. 

WoLF: You're lucky Ranma didn't see this. He would probably borrow 
      Akane's mallet to set you straight.

Nabiki considered blackmailing Ryouga for money then decided against
the tack she was trying. Akane just had to know that Ryouga was P-chan.

WoLF: Good one. No wonder she never tries to hold that over his head.
      This fits well with someone who over-analyzes a situation.

      It would be absurd to think that Akane doesn't know.

Anyway she'd prefer something with less risk and bigger gains.

WoLF: Just out of curiosity, is Nabiki going into withdrawal?
WoLF: (in Nabiki's voice) M-money... need cash. Can't live without.
     <COLLAPSES>
Nabiki: <Clapping> Bravo... bravo.

WoLF: <Get's up> Uh... Hi Nabiki. How's life.
Nabiki: Better than yours.
WoLF: GULP.

Genma -  definitely out, he was far more cunning than anyone gave him

Put a period here-------^

credit for. It was only when she saw what Nodoka's beliefs about what
a man was, that she thought there might be method in Genma's madness.

Try this:    It was only when she discovered what Nodoka's belief of
what manliness was, did it occur to her that there might be a method
to Genma's madness.

The second thing is that it was no fun extorting Genma. He surrendered
too quickly and then if you  pressured him he would eat your meals.

WoLF: <SNICKER> Genma's revenge is worse than his bite.

Nabiki had been deceived by Ranma when he first came, twice in fact.

Change this to "arrived". It'll keep the         ^^^^
hentai's down <GRIN> and is more precise.

First Nabiki had thought 'she' was a boy and then he turned out to be
a male. A little  voice,  both familiar and strange as if from long 

WoLF: Are you saying that Nabiki thought 'She' was a boy all along?

Nabiki shut it up quickly. It was not that either of the Ranma's was 
unattractive more that he made a great fantasy but his reality she found
grotesque, so she was surprised he had as many 'fiancees' as he had.

I would break this phrase up. Try this:
It was not that either of the Ranma's was unattractive. More that he a 
great fantasy. But his reality, she found to be grotesque. Considering
this, she was surprised that he had as many 'fiancees' as he had.

WoLF: Nabiki... fantasizing about Ranma in both genders? You have an
      interesting imagination. Have you tried your hands at lemons yet?
      ^_^

Suddenly she got an idea. No strings attached A film of him transforming

I assume there's supposed to be a period?-----^

when naked would be a start. She smiled. This would be the best profit
yet, no matter what happened.

WoLF: Unless Ranma got his hands on her... then she would make more money.
      He is so pathetic when it comes to dealing with women.

She knew the reason that Ranma was easy to get money off was his pride.

Try this:
She knew the reason why Ranma was so easy to get money out of: His pride.

She picked on Ranma because if he ever used his noggin that would be a
challenge. 

She picked on Ranma because, if he ever used his noggin, he would be a 
challenge.

          The problem was he didn't and she was getting bored with the 
ease of which she got money off him. Now she needed to wait for Cologne
to try something on. Not that she'd have to wait long, especially if she
got Akane into the kitchen. That would guarantee an attempt by Shampoo.

I'll stop rebuilding your sentences here. It's obvious to me that you
wrote this quickly so that you could get your idea out of your mind and
onto paper. I should know... I've done exactly the same thing.

Piece of advice, re-read your stuff before posting it. That way, you can
pick out the more common errors.

WoLF: <removes the clip from his rifle and puts in another> I'm sure
      going through a lot of ammo.

Shampoo was in the Neko-hanten. Then she spots a spice on which the 
label  says 'Truth Spice. Danger. NEVER EVER USE. Truth CAN KILL.'

WoLF: I like this quote. If I decided to use it someday, would you sue me?

Next door to it is Merlin's Inhibition remover on which the label has 
'use 1 tsp.  every 20 years. Warning: Only works on females.' Shampoo
shook her head, but then remembered that Ranma was a female some of
the time. She picked up a serving spoon and put it in the inhibition
remover.

WoLF: I assume that she's going to do more than leave the spoon in the
      bottle? ^_^
Andrew: Ignore him <points at WoLF>, he's just being silly.

Cologne appeared and smiled. "This should catch son-in-law. But are you 
prepared to be kissed by a female."

WoLF: Yeah... and will you show that scene to the audience?
      <Starts to drool>
Andrew: <shakes his head in disgust and get's ready to smack his alter-ego>

Shampoo pointed to smaller print.<Once active stays so even if sex 
changes.> Cologne nodded at Shampoo. That was what let them down 
before. Not reading small print. This time son-in-law would not escape
them.

WoLF: <ROFL> Fine print... they've attributed their previous failures to
      fine print. I LOVE IT!!!!!
Andrew: <Kicks WoLF> Get back to work! This is a C&C... not an MST3K.
WoLF: Seriously, I like the quote. <He then points his rifle at...>

Nabiki went out looking for someone powerful to hire to trash the dojo
since that was usually the time Ryouga turned up. After all she needed

I find this phrase confusing. Try this:
Nabiki went out looking to hire someone to trash the dojo.

I don't understand the part with Ryouga at all.

a back up  plan in case the first one failed. It took a long time before
she found a person powerful enough to risk even going into Nerima. Somehow
she looked  familiar but Nabiki  couldn't place her. She then decided
against hiring her it would be far too expensive but she might have 

This whole paragraph confuses me. Please rebuild it. I'm not at all sure
what you're trying to say.

what she wanted. She needed some

'Passion Spice?' the woman asked.

'Yes, how did you know?' asked Nabiki.

'You'll know. Passion Spice never works as expected, Nabiki, I'm surprised
you have forgotten that.'

'But this is my first...' Nabiki tried to point out.

WoLF: Who is this person? She sort of appears and disappears. She knows 
      what's going on which I would suspect would make Nabiki nervous.

The woman has gone before she finished speaking, leaving a jar of passion
spice and having emptied Nabiki's pockets. Nabiki looks sad. All that was
needed was to get it into food. Problem was how to get Ryouga to eat it
as well. The only thing they both ate was Akane's food. Now that was 

WoLF: How is she going to ensure that Ryouga is there?

swallowed. Checking the book for precautions she saw that she would have
to swallow some of Akane's cooking. Was it really worth it?

WoLF: Is Nabiki really willing to eat Akane's cooking just for a money
      grab. Seems a bit extreme to me.

Akane is at the moment trying to cook dinner (and was failing as usual).
She was muttering a mantra. 'He'll like my cooking even if it kills him.'

WoLF: Hmmmm... this sounds familiar.

Nabiki smiled because this played right into her hands. Once Shampoo had 
vanished Nabiki ate some of Akane's cooking and poured in the passion spice.

WoLF: <Cocks the C&C rifle at the author> Excuse me, how does Nabiki know
      about Shampoo's plan? I sense a continuity error.

Time to head to the kitchen. This would be fun. Nabiki then realised a
flaw in her plan. Akane never ate her own cooking. Deep down she knew 
it was bad but refused to admit it.

WoLF: I'll buy that.

Nabiki was wondering what had possessed her to come up with such a mean
plan all for the sake of money. She beat the voice down again. But it

WoLF: That question occurred to me as well. I hope you have a good answer.

She wished the bloody thing would shut up. There was no way she'd feel 
guilty about this hit. After all it would get Ranma to fight harder with 
her. Oh she'd still win but this way it would be fun again. Yes, here

WoLF: Does Nabiki actually want Ranma as an opponent that badly? You're
      almost making Nabiki out to be a thrill seeker junky.

came Ranma-chan and Ryouga. Oh perfect blackmail material on both of 
them.. Brilliant. She didn't believe it. The plan had worked better
than she thought. Three photos.

WoLF: It worked? When? I never saw (read) Ranma and Ryouga take off 
      together. 

Damn, no Akane but still she could wish. Suddenly something seemed to
be  happening Ryouga and Ranma were separating. Nabiki cursed, if Ryouga
got lost as usual. Ranma looked to the left, the right and promptly 
went catatonic. Ryouga had started to nosebleed and fainted. Nabiki swore. 
This was not as good as she wanted.

WoLF: <Snicker> Looks like Nabiki didn't read the fine print.

Ryouga would recover first, Nabiki thought, and  if she didn't vanish
Ryouga would beat her up if he found out what happened, that was if he
didn't beat up Ranma first. Definitely time to cut her losses. She forgot

WoLF: That is unless Ryouga finds out. Nabiki is automatically assuming
      that he already found out. How did he find out? Why is Nabiki 
      scared. It's not as if he would hurt her.

End Part 1

WoLF: <removes the clip from the rifle for the fourth and final time>.
      Well... I think I might have been a bit harsher than I expected to
      be when reviewing this story. It has an interesting premise, but
      there are certain continuity errors that I find disturbing and feel
      should be addressed. 

      Hope this commentary helps.

See ya

  ___________
 / Here lies:\  "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
|   Andrew    | http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~ttant/SouthPark/
|             | 
|   I think   |       Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | "I am Cornholio! I need some TP for my bunghole.
|             |  I have no bunghole."