a screeching halt. Mako, who didn't stop quite as fast, went flying
forward, landing in a large bush. She stuck her head out, shocked and
slightly pissed off. "Hey what'd you do that for, Usagi???" Usagi gasped,
and pointed to a steadily approaching object with.... green hair??!!!
Makoto gasped, as if remembering something. She gawked. "Masaka..." The
object grew closer and closer to the ground, and landed in a bush. Mako

object fell.  It wasn't getting physically larger, right?

	"What....? Where am I?" I looked around. This obviously wasn't
Crystal Tokyo. It was way too...too... green for one thing. I stood up,

The sudden shift to first person is rather confusing.

and was immediately met by two pairs of eyes, one blue, and one dark
green. I couldn't help it- I screamed. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!" I jumped back about
ten feet, and dropped to a fighting stance, which is what my mother always
taught me to do under these curcumstances. "You looking for a fight?" I
asked the two girls who were staring at me like I was out of some kind of

me, like I was

bowed instinctively, and said, "My name is Chibimako, daughter to
Neo-gueen of Jupiter." The pigtailed one's eyes just about bugged out of

Neo-queen

	The little girl glared at Usagi and Mako-chan. "What? What's your
problem?" Makoto gathered her thoughts. "Did you just say that you

Now you're back to third person again.

	She couldn't have been more than ten years old, and stood at about
4 feet 6 inches tall, fairly tall for a ten year old. Her dark green hair

How could they tell she was ten if she was tall for her age?

	"So she dissapeered? Just like that?" Rei asked Usagi. Usagi
nodded. "Not even a good-bye, the rotten brat. She reminds me of Chibiusa
more and more by the second," Usagi groaned. Chibiusa whined. "Hey!" Ami
sighed. "Still, it was strange. It's not every day you see a little girl
plummet from the sky." Chibiusa looked up. "Oh, sorry. It about once every

It about?

****************************************************************************
	So what do you think of chapter one? It's a little short, but I'm

An okay start, however, switching between first and third person is rather
confusing, and not very good writing.  You might consider at least using
some kind of divider to indicate the change.




John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

New CS Lewis Quote :)
"This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn.  We must play.
but our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest
kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each
other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.  And out
charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in
spite of which we love the sinner--no mere tolerance or indulgence which
parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."
--The Weight of Glory