A while ago, Jon Farber <sabreb@erols.com> wrote:
Please, everyone. C&C this. Tear it apart. MST it. R&R it. Do
whatever you need to, but let me know what needs work. Please!
I'll do my best. ^_^ Or my worst, as the case may be. Maybe I'll try an
R&R! Just take everything with a grain of salt, Ok? I don't mean any
disrespect at all, and I really liked the fic or I wouldn't bother with a
C&C like this.
*Yoiko and Ranma sit in a theater, each looking around*
Ranma: So where is he?
Yoiko: He said he was gonna get some popcorn.
Ranma: Great. He won't be back till it's over.
Yoiko: *sees the theater lights dimming* Shh! It's starting!
Awakenings and Journeys
Chapter One
Ranma: Doesn't say who the author is.
Yoiko: It's Jon Farber.
Ranma: Lucky guess.
She stood at a fork in her life.
Ranma: The knife and spoon weren't there.
She could choose one of two
paths. One lead directly to power, but she was unsure of the price.
Yoiko: Led.
Ranma: Go for the power!
Yoiko: What about the price?
Ranma: A martial artist should be willing to sacrifice anything for the Art.
Yoiko: It doesn't say she's a Martial Artist. And do you know you sound
just like your father?
Ranma: I do not!
The other was longer and harder, but would only cost her time and
energy. Power dangled enticinly infront of her,
Yoiko: enticingly in front.
showing her images of
wealth and servants, with her as ruler of all she surveyed.
Yoiko: Better might be "images of wealth and servants, and herself as ruler...
Power was
dangled infront of her, showing her pictures of people kneeling before
her, prostrating themselves. Living for her, working for her. Killing
for her. Dying for her.
Ranma: Using sentence fragments.
A man appeared in the other doorway.
*Ryoga walks in and sits on Yoiko's other side.*
Ryoga: Did I miss much?
The woman looked at him,
her gaze asking what he had to offer her.
Yoiko: So where's the popcorn?
The man reached behind
himself and withdrew something.
Ryoga: *reaches behind himself and withdraws a box of Milk Duds.* Sorry,
I got hungry on the way back.
Yoiko: Oh...allright.
Ranma: Hey, what about me?
Ryoga: You want me to give you something?
Ranma: Yeah!
Ryoga: I'll wait till AFTER the fic's over before I beat you into a pulp.
How's that for a gift?
Yoiko: *sternly* Boys...
It was small and cylindrical. A
flashlight. The woman scoffed at him, and turned back to the images of
Power.
Ranma: I thought they were all in her head.
The man turned on the flashlight, getting the woman's attention.
He shone the light over to the images of Power.
Ryoga: So she's looking at the images of Power, and then he looks at the
images of Power, and now we all look at the images of Power?
Ranma: Naw, we already saw the images of Power. You missed that bit.
The woman was unimpressed. She began walking towards the
doorway of Power.
Yoiko: See? Now we've moved on...
Ranma: To the doorway of Power.
Ryoga: This isn't a Power Rangers joke, is it?
Ranma: *reaches over Yoiko to whack Ryoga on the head* It's a dark fic, dummy!
Ryoga: Hey! *reaches over Yoiko to punch at Ranma, who dodges*
Yoiko: *spilling the Milk Duds* BOYS!!!
Ranma and Ryoga: Shh!
Yoiko: Will you two just settle down?
Ranma: Look, you're missing it!
Yoiko: What?
The man raised the beam of light a little higher. Strings
appeared, connecting the images to something unknown in blackness above.
Yoiko: Ugh. Does this sound spider-webby to you?
Ranma: So what?
Ryoga: He doesn't care, as long as there's no cats.
Ranma: You got that right.
The woman faltered for a second, but continued to Power. There
were always strings attached. Everything had it's price.
Yoiko: its
The man's light shone even higher, revealing who controlled the
strings.
Yoiko: So it's not spider webs, it's puppet strings.
Ryoga: So who's the puppeteer?
The woman stopped dead in her tracks, horrified at what she saw.
She saw herself, but not herself. She saw the man that raped
her laughing. She saw Darkness smile and move to envelop her.
Everything has it's price, the man said.
Yoiko: Its. It's is just an abbreviation for "it is." And there are no
quotes for that quote. Personally, I'd put it in italics, since it seems
more like a voice in her head.
Ranma: Could you let go of the English teacher thing for just a little while?
Yoiko: Oh, I dunno...could you and Ryoga be nice to each other for just a
little while?
Ranma and Ryoga: *looking at each other* Naaaah....
The man flashed the light in her eyes.
Are you willing to pay?
A new scene played infront of her. She saw herself being
attacked by hundreds of people. She saw herself laugh in contempt as
she blasted them from the face of the earth. In seconds, only two
remained. Her sister, and her sister's husband.
The two stood defiantly against her, looking angry and sad. She
saw the husband speak, but could not make out the words. She looked to
his mouth, reading the words from there.
You have to be stopped. We can't let you continue. Too many
have died. It ends here.
The sister spoke as well. The woman still could not hear the
words, but concetrated on the mouth.
Yoiko: Concentrated.
Ranma: You're getting quiet.
Ryoga: It's getting darker, OK?
I love you, Sister. Forgive me. The sister sprang forward to
attack the woman.
Yoiko: Still no quotes. And I still think it should be italicized.
The woman screamed silently in pain as she saw herself lift an
arm. She mutely shouted at herself to stop as she watched herself point
at the sister.
Yoiko: I think "agony" would be better than "pain." And maybe "she mutely
shouted at herself to stop as her arm raised and pointed at her sister."
Because it seems that the arm is acting without her volition at this point.
^_^
She could not say anything when the fire leapt from her hands.
Ryoga: Leapt?
Yoiko: I think it's correct usage.
Ranma: Sounds like something Kuno would say.
She watched in horror as the flames melted the sister's flesh
away.
Yoiko: I would say her sister's.
She saw the blueblack hair fizzle and curl.
Ranma: Nothing stinks like burned hair.
Ryoga: Blueblack hair? Oh, my God... *turns pale*
Yoiko: *putting a hand on Ryoga's shoulder* It's only a fic, Ryoga. A
dark fic, but just a fic.
Tears of vitreous
humor ran down her fleshless face, to be cooked on the superheated
muscle of her cheeks.
Yoiko: Humor? That sounds really odd here. And if her face is fleshless,
there wouldn't be any muscle of her cheeks left. Just cheekbones.
Her chest was burned straight through to the
bone, with all the organs apparently left unharmed.
Yoiko: Urgh...
Ranma: I don't feel so good.
Ryoga: But...but...that was... *starts glowing*
Yoiko: Ryoga! It's only a STORY! *sighs in relief as the glow starts to fade*
The woman closed her eyes, but the scene would not go away. Are
you willing to pay this price?
Yoiko: I'm not going to mention the italics anymore. You know I want 'em.
Ranma: You just mentioned them.
Yoiko: D'oh!
Ryoga: Akane...
Ranma: Will you get a grip? That's only a future possibility in this fic!
It didn't really happen!
What happened to the sister's body was only half of it. The
sister was still alive.
Yoiko: Again, I would say her sister. She might not feel connected to
much else, but her sister does have some personal meaning to her beyond
being just an obstacle.
The woman looked down, and saw the still
beating heart of her sister. She looked over to see the husband staring
down in morbid amazement, paralyzed by the sight of his wife.
Ranma: *morbidly fascinated* Cool special effects...
The
sisters melted eyes moved in their sockets to try and sight the husband.
Yoiko: I would say trying to focus on her husband.
Her mouth moved to try and form words, but her tounge was no longer
there.
The husband moved next to his wife, and cradled her head in his
lap, and shut out the rest of the world. He did not care anymore.
Ranma: I think I'd be a little more upset than that.
Ryoga: You? What makes you think you'll be her husband?
Ranma: Because Takahashi said so!
Yoiko: Boys, we are NOT going to turn this into an Akane's Best Babe debate!
The woman turned and ran away from the path of Power. She ran
to the man on the other path, and spoke to him, speaking as if she had
never spoken before.
Ranma: Agh tho waniss pao...
Yoiko: *laughing* What are you doing?
Ranma: Speaking as though I've never spoken before.
Ryoga: He was just waiting for you to ask that, you know.
"I don't want this power."
The man smiled. "You have always had this power. Now, you will
learn the responsibility to handle it correctly."
The woman shook her head. "I never want to see that again."
"That, my dear child, is up to you." The man handed the
flashlight to the woman.
Ryoga: So who is this flashlight guy?
Yoiko: Did we miss something?
Ranma: Maybe there was a prologue.
---------------------------------
Nabiki woke from the dream, her mouth gaping open and sweat
pouring down her exposed back.
Yoiko: I hate those hospital gowns, don't you?
She was still in the hospital. Ranma
was asleep in a chair not more then
Yoiko: Not more than.
six feet away from her. Ryoga fell
asleep sitting on the window sill, his head resting on his knees.
Ranma: Hey, look, it's us!
Ryoga: I'll get a backache, sleeping like that.
Yoiko: She should cover up, if she's got you two sleeping in her room.
A
katana was leaning against the wall beneath him. Nabiki glanced at the
clock by her bed. 2:32 am. She sighed and lay back on the bed. She
looked at the sword under Ryoga. Dr. Black had given it to him, after
he had come in earlier that night. Nabiki leaned back and thought about
the gift. About what it signified. About what it really was.
Ryoga: Dr. Black?
Ranma: Is he the flashlight guy?
---------------------------------
Yoiko: Cue the flashback sequence.
He asked Ranma to leave the room. After much argument, the
young pigtailed man left, and Nabiki was alone with Ryoga and Dr. Black.
The doctor stared for a moment at Ryoga, before whiping a
Yoiko: Whipping. And since this is a flashback, you might want to use a
different tense. He had asked, Ranma had walked out, leaving Nabiki alone
with them...
katana out
>from under his coat. Ryoga bounded back, taking up a ready posistion
between the mage
Ryoga: Oh. It's not the flashlight guy, it's a mage.
Yoiko: Isn't that amageing?
Ranma: *groan* Please don't start that...
and Nabiki's bed, alert for any attacks against her.
Nabiki, for her part, lay there, still as death, with a blank expression
on her face.
Yoiko: I would say lay on the bed, still as death, her expression blank.
Timothy drew back the sword,
Ryoga: Who?
Ranma: Dr. Black, I guess.
and swung it in a simple overhead
arc at Ryoga. Ryoga didn't even think as he clapped his hands together,
catching the blade mere inches from his face.
Ranma: Neat trick! Where'd you learn that?
Ryoga: *smug grin* Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
With a flick of the
wrist, the blade was sent flying out of Black's grasp. Ryoga raised his
right hand, and plucked the katana out of the air, bringing it to bear
on the doctor.
Ranma: So how come you don't do that with Kuno?
Ryoga: Have you ever actually seen me LOSE to Kuno?
Timothy blinked once, and then smiled. "You have chosen an
adequate protector, Nabiki Tendo. He is worthy to wield Yomakirimaru."
The doctor bowed to Ryoga, then turned to Nabiki.
Yoiko: Actually, I'm surprised Ryoga didn't do anything more. It's not
really like him to stop an attack and then not return it. He's just kind
of standing there quietly.
Ryoga: Yeah, I usually bash people who try to mess with me.
Ranma: You mean you TRY to bash people who mess with you...
Ryoga: Ranma!
Yoiko: There will NOT be any fighting during this fic! You got it?
Ranma and Ryoga: *sullenly* Ok...
"As for yourself,
you understand that this is a journey, not just to get from point A to
point B, but also to teach you. You must never forget that, Nabiki
Tendo. This is going to be long, and hard. And you will face
challenges that you never thought you would have to face, but I have
faith that you will succeed."
Nabiki shook herself out of her daze. Her mind digested every
word Timothy had just spoken. She raised the head of her bed to get a
better look at the older man. "Gee, not overly dramatic, are we? And
of course there isn't any pressure." Nabiki stated wryly. She folded
her arms against her chest.
Timothy smiled mysteriously. "Oh, Aaron is just going to adore
you." And with that sentiment, he turned and made his way to the door.
Ryoga: Aaron? Who's Aaron?
Yoiko: Nobody knows. Isn't that mysterious? ^_^
"Wait. What is this about the sword? You weren't kidding about
this magick thing earlier, were you?" Nabiki said. Even though she did
not raise her voice, it seemed to carry across the room.
Everything was still. It was as if the moment was frozen in
time. Then the slight rustling of Dr. Black's overcoat shattered the
illusion, and time resumed. "Nabiki, you are no longer in the world you
knew. This is a harsh world where you shouldn't believe anything you
see, because it might be true. The sword is nothing more then
Yoiko: than
a mere magickal
Yoiko: That's a real awkward spelling choice.
talisman to aid you in the days to come. The real power
will come from within you, gods willing."
With that, Timothy Black, doctor, and mage of the Euthanatos
tradition, walked out of the room.
Yoiko: Extra comma after doctor.
Ryoga: The Euthanasia tradition? I wouldn't have too much confidence if
he was my doctor...
---------------------------------
Yoiko: And here we end the flashback.
The guard at the hospital entrance looked down at the package he
had purchased before beginning his shift that night. The new DragonBall
Z character for his son.
Ranma: Another sentence fragment.
Yoiko: Maybe a dash instead. "his shift that night - the new DragonBall"
The guard thought how his son's face would
light up when he saw this toy. He stared at the plastic face looking
out from the packaging. The toy's face was locked in a perpetual scowl.
The guard mimiced
Yoiko: Mimicked.
the scowl for a moment, then chuckled to himself.
His son would be ecstatic.
A knock on the door alerted the guard. There was a lone woman
standing outside in a nurse's uniform. The guard rushed over, not even
stopping to drop the toy, to let the woman in.
Yoiko: Rushed over to let the woman in, not even stopping to drop the toy.
Or even, forgetting the toy still in his hand.
"May I help you?" the guard asked politely as the woman entered
the hospital.
"No, thank you. You already have." With that, the woman
reached into her purse and withdrew a knife. She did it so smoothly
that the guard didn't even know she had it out until is
Ranma: It.
was halfway
across his throat. The woman finished the cut, and let the man fall to
the floor. She squinted her eyes and concentrated on the blood pooling
underneath the man. The blood started to make numbers on the floor.
When the woman had memerized the number, she released her hold on the
blood, and let it pool normally.
Ryoga: Creepy. What were the numbers?
Ranma: 666.
Before she left, she kissed the first two fingers on her left
hand, and touched them to the man's forehead. She walked away, leaving
only the toy as a mute witness to her heinous act.
---------------------------------
Nabiki stared at her clock. 2:33 am. She watched the seconds
tick away, like the life she used to lead. Slowly, she began to drift
off to sleep.
A small noise, a soft tick, shot her eyes open. They darted
around for a moment, then settled down. Must have been the clock,
Nabiki rationalized. She heard it again. She reached over to her clock
to see if she could silence it, either with her finger or her fist, when
it dawned on her. She had a digital clock. Digital clocks don't tick.
----------------------------------
The woman walked slowly down the hall, her high heels making a
soft ticking noise on the lineolium
Yoiko: linoleum. I think. Actullay, I'd want to look this one up. ^_^
tiles. She reached into her purse
and withdrew a syringe as she pushed open the door to Room 1304. Her
target's room. And final resting place.
Ryoga: Aha! I bet the numbers were 1304!
Ranma: Brilliant, Sherlock...
---------------------------------
Nabiki heard the door open, and turned her head to see who it
was. Only a nurse, Nabiki thought to herself. A nurse with a rather
large needle.
Nabiki felt very sick all of the sudden. She felt bile rise in
her throat as a wave of evil washed over her. Powerful evil. Inhuman
evil.
The nurse smiled. It was the same grin Nabiki had acid etched
Yoiko: acid-etched?
into her memory from that afternoon. From the time she lost her
innocence.
The same smile as the man that raped her.
Ranma: The last sentence fragment.
Nabiki screamed, long and loud. She screamed with her heart,
her mind, and her soul.
Ryoga: That's IT? You call that an ending?
Yoiko: It's the end of this part.
Ryoga: But what happened to Akane?
Ranma: Will you get over that part? It was only a dream in a fic!
Ryoga: That reminds me...
Yoiko: Boys...
Ryoga: The fic's over, Ranma! Prepare to die!
Yoiko: *rolls her eyes as a fight ensues* Well, that's it for my first
C&C of this type. I hope what we had to say was helpful or at least fun to
read. Great. I have melted Milk Duds on my clothes now.
---------------------------------
--
JD Farber
email: sabreb@erols.com
ICQ: 3378089
Phone#: Like I'm gonna give _THAT_ to you perverts...
Scream 'Love' to someone
In your own way
Swear 'Peace' to someone
This is Bravery
-Akuma to Tenshi no Kiss
^_^
Cindy