In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying Merry old England,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...

We'll send him lots of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some helpful friends.

Commentator Roll Call:  (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu!  (The egotistical God of 
Fanfiction, just ask him :)) 
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami!  (The helpful commentator)
David Bruce Banner as the Incredible Hulk!(The useless commentator)

If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life, 
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"

[We see Ami is tinkering with an optical scanner while Bailesu reads
'Africa and the Victorians'.]

Ami:  You know, Dr. Price hasn't sent us anything to review in a while.

Bailesu:  [drops the book]  Never speak the name of an evil being! It
attracts their attention!

[The nearby monitor flickers to life.]

Dr. Price:  How true it is.  I've decided to celebrate ee cumming's
birthday by sending you a little tale by Travis Butler.

Bailesu:  That sounds really disgusting.

Ami:  Travis is not disgusting!

Bailesu:  It sounds like a pseudonym for a lemon author.

Dr. Price:  How do you get that from Travis Butler?

Bailesu:  No, E. E. Cummings!

Ami:  That's ee cummings.

Bailesu:  That's what I said.

Dr. Price:  ANYWAY, it's called Ranma Pride:  The Stacked Deck.  Now, get
to work!

Ami:  [rushes down the hallway to the theatre]  At least he didn't
remember to give us a guest commentator.

Dr. Price:  Oh yes, your guest, the Incredible Hulk, will be waiting for
you.

Ami:  At least he didn't...[Bailesu puts a hand over her mouth]

Bailesu:  That's enough damage for one day.

[They rush into the theatre.  The Hulk is not present.  They sit down, and
then he falls from the ceiling onto Bailesu.  Splat.  Roll footage.]


On Tue, 14 Oct 1997, Travis Butler wrote:

The story so far (from "A Pair of Jokers"):

Windir: <Ahem> In the beginning, the Universe was created. Endless swirls 
of cosmic dust coalesced into --

Ami:  What about the big bang?

Bailesu:  Then the dinosaurs came, right?  And they all turned into oil
and...

Ami:  What about the giant cow that licked Ymir out of the ice?  You left
that out too.

Hulk:  Shut up.  Hulk not care about creation of universe.

Ami:  What about the turtle that carries the world on his back?  What
about...

Bailesu:  Let's not give Dr. Price anymore ideas, okay?

Windir, Frito, and Lyra, taking a break between fanfic reviews, stumble 
upon the dead body of Ranma Saotome... the third example to show up that 
week. After talking to their friend Kaede the ex-ninja, they realize that 
this is far higher than it should be -- worse, they weren't intended by 
the authors. Another dead Ranma turns up, his throat cut in a way 
strongly reminiscent of the Bloody Card; a deduction confirmed by an 

Ami:  So it's the only one in the entire universe?

Bailesu:  Shhh.  This is just a flashback.

The mysterious figure stood on the roof, laughing evilly as he looked 

Bailesu:  Is he wearing a sign that says, 'Hi, I'm the real bad guy?'

Hulk:  Hulk not see sign.

down at the bank and listened to the bug planted in the vending cart. As 
the conversation reached a critical point, he dug inside his jacket... 
and, with the flick of a wrist, sent the Bloody Card screaming down on 
the foursome, skimming it 'round in patterns that just missed the 
panicking crew. He indulged himself in a final, cruel chuckle as the 
ninja eventually brought down the card; a hand signal sent an 
impersonator running away down the alley, long black hair streaming over 
her 3WA uniform...

Ami:  If he's on the roof, won't it be obvious that the toss came from the
roof instead of the alley where the impersonator is?

"Look, dat thing stinks on ice," Frito said. "'Course da murderer just 
happened ta use da Bloody Card, and a'course she attacked us right in 
front of the bank, where she'd get caught by da cameras. Just right, 
everythin' pointin' to da guy right off da bat. An' I got some nice 
beachfront property down in Kansas. Uh-huh."

[Bailesu and Ami break into a spontaneous rendition of 'I've got some
beachfront property in Arizona.'  Somewhere, George Strait screams in
pain.]

 

"Actually, Frito, in point of fact there are a number of beaches in 
Kansas. I am mindful of a certain sailing lagoon on Clinton Lake..."

Bailesu:  I think we've met a relative of yours.

Hulk:  Hulk have no elven relatives.

Ami:   I think he meant me.

Hulk:  Hulk not related to you, either.

"Um..." Kaede swallowed nervously, looked at the cloud of smoke, and 
looked up at the bank clock. "Oh, my Ghu, look at the time, I was 

Ami:  My Ghu?

Bailesu:  Perhaps she meant, 'Oh, my Goddess?'

Ami:  That's Ah!  My Goddess.

Bailesu:  Oh, my Goddess!

Ami:  [shouts]  AH! MY GODDESS!

[The Hulk squashes both of them.]

Hulk:  Tastes Great.

the sidewalk leading to the studio door; on the other side, a second 
group of protesters stood in silent, stony dignity, carrying signs 
reading things like "You can't pick and choose Canon," and "Fanfic 
Authors for Characterization Rights". 

Ami:  I need to send those people after the person who wrote 'La Blue
Scout'.

Bailesu:  I'd suggest sending Golgo-13 instead.  He is a professional,
after all.

Hulk:  Shouldn't that be 'Da Blue Scout'? 

Bailesu:  Don't ask.
 

"So I'm not a good enough actor to tease and flirt, is that it?" she 
demanded, sounding *very* annoyed now. Richard began backing away, 
muttering something about the stage setup. "It's the same story every 
time, typecast as little Miss Pollyanna, too pure and virginal to do 
anything with *real* emotions. Right?" With a glower, she planted her 
fists on her hips, and faced him challengingly. "Well?"

Hulk:  Hulk feels your pain.  Hulk knows how bad it is to be typecast.

Ami:  Even if it is for obvious reason.

[Hulk squashes Ami.]
 

"But that would be such a waste," Roku replied in halfway-convincing 
tones of mild horror. "Surely you know that the answer is cheapened if 
you don't find it yourself."

Hulk:  Hulk have no money to pay for answer, anyway.

 

End part 1.

Ami:  Hey...it's over?

Bailesu:  I guess we have to sit here until part 2 rolls.

Hulk:  Hulk want to play a game!  Let's wrestle.

Ami: ...

Bailesu:  PLEASE don't take too long to write the next part!

[Fade to black to the sound of limbs breaking]




John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

New CS Lewis Quote :)
"This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn.  We must play.
but our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest
kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each
other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.  And out
charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in
spite of which we love the sinner--no mere tolerance or indulgence which
parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."
--The Weight of Glory