This is my first critique, so...just like to know what some
think of my style...C&C is welcome on this C&C. ^_^
As most people know, imitation is perhaps the greates form
of flattery. Although new to the list, I might as well
stage my own attempt at being a fanfic critquer at large.
Or perhaps multiple critiquers, seeing as how popular such
is. Oh well...time to go on with it.
Well...we can't very well critique until there is a we! Let's
see now...of course there's myself, but who else?
*rummaging through portfolios of various characters*
Jiro from Kamui No Ken? Nah...noone knows him, and his
personality does long for more substance...man, I really
can't take any MKR guys (Hikaru: HEY!)...uhm...people...
I mean...^_^;;...hmm...perhaps...yes! Time to go to
VIDEOGAMES!!!! :)
* Sklathill jumps into his trusty Node Hopper TR-404 and
makes the jump into 1790 Hokkaido...
(We see Rimururu engaged with Hisame Shizumaru in the middle
of sparring. Nakoruru seems to be acting as ajudicator.
All seems to be fine in the forest until...)
TR-404: Boom.
Nak, Rim, Shiz: what was that?
(In the distance they see a somewhat shaken Sklathill walking
towards them. The three are extremely eager to see him, as
it has been a year since his last visit. Although there is
a rather LARGE cloud of smoke in the background...)
Sklathill: Uh...hi!
Rimururu: Sugoi sugoi! (Gives Sklathill a big hug!) I've missed
you oniichan...what are you doing here? (Gives Sklathill
a peck on the cheek.)
(Shizumaru looks at Sklathill with a somewhat jealous stare.)
Sklathill: Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to help me
out with something...
Nakoruru: Sure! Anything! But...ano...What happened there?
(She pointed at the smoke behind Sklathill which has slowly
started to dissapate...)
Sklathill: Well...when I went into Hokkaido, I went into Hokkaido.
Shizumaru: Isn't it that in your world you are allowed to command
such chariots at 16?
Sklathill: Well...I'm fifteen...
Rimururu: So you'll be staying here for a LONG time! Wow! Just
like last year!
Nakoruru: So, what was that you wanted to ask of us?
Sklathill: Well, I was wondering if you would like to help me help
the authors of some literature...
Shiz/Rim: Sure!
Nakoruru: It has been a long time since we've read anything new...
Sklathill: So, could we get started?
Nakoruru: Yes...come with us home; I take it you'll be our guess for
a long time...
- - -
(Sklathill is seen sitting down on the ground, his back against the
small cottage which Nakoruru and Rimururu made last year. He sighs
as he drinks gyuunyuu...)
Sklathill: Aaahh...manna from heaven...
Rimururu: So where's this story you'd like us to see?
Sklathill: Well...right here actually.
(Pulls out a two small devices from his pocket. One shoots out an
expanding beam of light which becomes a plane in mid air. The plane
slowly starts to display a white rectangle, containing small black
markings.)
Nakoruru: Ano...Vinusenutu-san?
Sklathill: Maybe Esukuratu-san would be faster? hehe...
Nakoruru: Uhm...well, you know our English reading isn't that
good...
Sklathill: Ahh...no problem.
(Presses a button on the second device, which looks much like
a small potato with various "eyes" for buttons, and the plane
in mid-air slowly refreshes itself, turning English into hiragana.)
Florencio B. de la Merced, Jr. wrote:
The Proposal
------------
by Florencio B. de la Merced, Jr. (fmerced@pworld.net.ph)
A Fanfic inspired by the Anime Ranma 1/2 created and copyrighted by
Rumiko Takahashi
Shizumaru: Ahh! A Ranma work!
Sklathill: Yeah...Ranma fiction is popular where we live...I take it
you like Ranma particularly well?
Rimururu: (mutters) Maybe he won't once I take back the manga he
borrowed.
Shizumaru: Yeah! It's great...especially that Ryoga character! I
really
like him for some reason I just can't put my finger on...
Rim, Nak, Sklat: [chuckle]
A project for the Fan Fiction Mailing List
------------------------------------------
Ranma didn't really feel like sparring with his father inside the dojo
that afternoon. Even Kasumi's breakfast failed to perk him that
morning. Nabiki thought of conning him again, even if she only meant it
to cheer him up, it didn't work. Even a short detour to Ukyou's
okonomiyaki shop didn't make him feel any better. Ryoga even stopped in
the middle of his insults when he noticed Ranma was not reacting to any
of it. Happosai almost got the life back in Ranma, but even after
booting him out of the Tendo dojo, Ranma slumped into an even deeper
feeling of loneliness.
Nakoruru: Poor Ranma...but how did he get booted out of the Tendo dojo
if he didn't want to go in?
Sklathill: Maybe Genma exercised his parental authority after he found
him at Ukyou's?
Ranma spent half the afternoon sitting out on the porch. Occasionally
he'll throw pebbles into the pond but soon he grew bored of it. He even
convinced himself to count the leaves of a tree, but after counting half
of the trees in the garden he finally realized the futility in his
action. "Damn."
Akane was startled a bit by the sudden outburst from Ranma. She had
been quietly accompanying him on the porch, and ever since she noticed
her fiancé's sullen mood in class she somehow felt pity for him.
"What's wrong Ranma?"
Rimururu: Akane thinks saying "damn" is an outburst? She should
check out Shizumaru-chan when he's...
Shizumaru: ...shut up...
Sklathill: Nakoruru, they had a fight?
Nakoruru: you don't even want to know...
"Akane, will you marry me?"
Rimururu: WHOA!
Sklathill: (spurting out his gyuunyuu) Wha?!
Both Soun and Genma almost fell on the shogi board after overhearing
Ranma's proposal for Akane's hand in marriage. Nabiki too could hardly
believe her ears, but knowing an opportunity when she sees one, she
quickly ran up to her room to grab her camera. Kasumi just smiled and
then retreated back into the kitchen. Ranma reached out to hold
Akane's nervous hands.
Nakoruru: I would've reacted in pretty much the same way...
Shizumaru: Maybe Florencio-san should have added some monologues
by the other characters...especially Kasumi and Nabiki
right now.
Sklathill: Maybe...but maybe he's trying to preserve the contrast of
the quiet mood with the suddenness of an important proposal?
Rimururu: I agree!
Shizumaru: Yeah...no,
Nakoruru: Please! Sklathill-san is our guess...
"I...I want to marry you Akane." Ranma leaned forward awkwardly. "I
love you. And I want to marry you." Akane still couldn't utter a word.
The two fathers were dancing happily in the background while camera
lights flashed irregularly from almost every direction.
"Well? Do you love me too? Will you..." Akane didn’t let Ranma finish
asking her the same question again. She couldn't hold back the tears
and immediately the two fell into each other's tender embrace.
"Oh, Ranma. I've long dreamed of this day to come. I love you too."
They soon found each other's anticipating lips and lost themselves in a
kiss.
Rimururu: Ahhh...how romantic!
Nakoruru: But...something tells me there's something wrong with this...
When Akane opened her eyes she didn't find Ranma in front of her. She
refocused her sights and immediately recognized the dull whiteness of
the ceiling. Slowly she rose up from the comforts of her bed. "Darn,
it's the same dream again." Realizing she could go back to sleep, Akane
walked out of her room and quietly proceeded to the kitchen.
Rimururu: Aww...darn!
Shizumaru: If _I_ was Ranma, I would have done the question a LONG time
ago...
Rimururu: Oh...really?
Nakoruru: *sigh* Well...anyways, perhaps you mean she couldn't go back
to
sleep?
Sklathill: Or maybe she wanted to sleep in the kitchen, so she could
have a
headstart in preparing Ranma's torcher meal?
Rimururu: Why would she do that?
Sklathill: *shrug* Tormenting her with that dream? I guess...
"Evening, Akane." Ranma was as surprised as Akane was when they
suddenly bumped into each other both on their way to the fridge.
"Couldn't sleep?" Akane grew suspicious, but seeing Ranma dig up some
snacks made her realize her fiancé's incredible appetite. Though the
hour was unusual for either of them to even think of eating, she didn't
think much of it.
Shizumaru: I would think Akane would feel a lot more crabby right now...
Nakoruru: Maybe she didn't feel like making her mallet materialize?
Ranma had the kitchen table covered with a load of bread, pineapple jam,
some of Kasumi's leftover cookies, some mangoes and grapes, and a
pitcher of lemon juice. Akane joined Ranma. "And you, can't sleep
either?" Ranma failed to answer verbally since he was in the middle of
a sandwich, but Akane didn't need a reply.
Nakoruru: I don't think that comma is neccessary...
Sklathill: Oh well, nitpi-chan...actually, I'm not sure if she would
say,
"and you?" I'd think she would be more blunt.
Shizumaru: I guess so...
"Nervous?" Akane stared at Ranma after biting at a cookie. "Can't
blame you. I think I'm nervous as hell." Ranma finished his second
mango and was reaching for some cold refreshments to help the fruit down
his throat.
"What are you talking about?" Akane decided to wait for Ranma to
respond before finishing the pineapple jam sandwich she had in her hand.
Shizumaru: Eh? Waiting for Ranma to respond to his own comment?
Shizumaru: Why of course...
Rimururu: Pfft...you are wierd...almost as wierd as...
Sklathill: Shall we continue?
"You know? The wedding tomorrow." Akane felt a cold breeze blowing in
the room just as the words reached her. "I sure hope everything turns
up fine tomorrow." Ranma checked the clock on the far wall. "Make that
later."
Nakoruru: Perhaps the dialogue should be divided up with change in
characters
having seperate paragraphs?
Sklathill: Well, that's what I was taught in school, but I'm okay with
this format...but it's not always clear who's speaking,
although
I can usually arrive at it...
"Ranma, are we getting married tomorrow?" Akane saw that Ranma almost
choked after she asked her question. "I mean later."
Rimururu: Only NOW he chokes? Didn't she mention the wedding already?
Shizumaru: Perhaps he's a noisy eater?
"You're kidding right? Come on Akane, we've been through this for weeks
now." Ranma felt he was being jeered on by Akane's bewildered look, but
somehow Akane really looked like she didn't know anything at all. "Oh
boy."
"Who's getting married later?"
Nakoruru: Eh? I'm getting a little bit confused...
"Damn, you forgot again. I just reminded you only yesterday."
"Ranma! Who's getting married?"
"I can't believe you'd forget all about it all of a sudden!" Ranma
bolted off the table and was about to leave the kitchen. "Damn, Akane.
We've spent months talking about it. Took us weeks to get everyone to
finally concede, and now you're telling me you forgot everything. I
wished you never found..." Ranma immediately stopped when he felt
someone grasp his hand. "Huh?"
"I'm sorry Ranma. But I really don't remember. I had a dream last
night..." Ranma immediately found himself embracing Akane. "I really
don't."
"You had that dream again? The one when I proposed to you?" Akane was
surprised how Ranma could possibly know exactly what she was talking
about. "Akane, that happened a year ago. Remember?" Akane tried, but
nothing flashed in her mind. "I guess not." Ranma and Akane returned
to the table and continued their conversation there.
Sklathill: Hmm...interesting.
Shizumaru: I'll say...this could go many places...
"You proposed to me a year ago?" Ranma felt irritated a bit but soon he
decided to just smile.
"Yes, Akane. We've been married for a year now." Ranma blinked and he
winced realizing what he had just said. "Damn. Our anniversary is
coming up. What do you want to do? I heard the beaches are great this
time of the year." Akane shook her head in dismay.
Shizumaru: I take it that they were married the day they proposed?
Rimururu: Maybe they eloped right there and then...
"What are you talking about? You mean you and I...we're married?"
Ranma kissed Akane on the tip of her nose. "We really are? When did
this happen? How come I can't remember a thing?"
"Damn. I better call Dr. Tofu again." Akane was even more curious
after Ranma had said that. "Looks like his hypnosis is even affecting
your recent memory."
All: EH? o_O
The word hypnosis resounded in Akane's head. "Ranma! What did you do
to me?!"
Shizumaru: This could promote some other minds to flow towards...
(SLAP!)
Rimururu: Stop thinking that!
"Let's go back to sleep, Ok." Akane protested but realized Ranma was
sincere and was really concerned about her. Akane walked up the stairs
but soon stopped when she realized Ranma wasn't following her. "Where
are you going? I thought we were married?"
Ranma thought a bit. "Hey, you're right. You don't remember right? I
don't have to sleep on the roof anymore." Ranma was about to climb up
with Akane but was blocked by Akane's hand. "What?"
"You've been sleeping on the roof? Why? Does it have anything to do
with my memory problem?" Ranma mumbled a bit, not really wanting to
answer. "Ranma!"
"Ok. Well, Yes and No." Akane still couldn't understand. "I'll tell
you later, now can we get to bed already." Ranma grinned as if happily
expecting something good from sleeping back inside the dojo.
"You must have done something very bad!" Akane didn't stop Ranma from
entering her room.
"Ah, a bed. I'm glad I won't be sleeping on the roof again. My back's
been killing me, you know." Before Akane knew it, Ranma was already
lying down on the bed. "Ah, now this is soft. Very comfortable."
Akane felt uneasy when she finally joined Ranma on the bed.
"Goodnight Akane."
"That's it. You're going to sleep."
"Well, yeah. I'm kind of sleepy you know."
"Damn it. Ranma get off my bed."
"Hey, this is my bed too."
"I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone."
"What? We've slept before..." Ranma suddenly realized Akane's real
problem.
"You don't remember anything, right?"
"I already told you..." Akane felt something warm crawling up her back.
"Ranma don't you dare!"
"We're husband and wife. What's wrong with this?" Akane tried to ward
off Ranma's roaming hands. "Besides, you've done it before."
"But I don't remember!"
"Exactly. Don't you want to have a second 'first time'?" Ranma now had
his arms where he wanted them.
"Ranma! Stop it." Akane's resistance lessened even further. "No.
Don't do that. Ranma!" Soon their voices died down and the room was
almost quiet again.
"Oh, Ranma!"
"He, he, he."
A few hours later, the bodies had stopped moving, and both were wearily
fast asleep.
Sklathill: Hmmm...interesting...although perhaps an allusion or two
would
be nice...
Rimururu: Well, you can't just expect the whole story to be given away
at the beginning...*cough* hunters *cough*
Sklathill: Hey! Don't start with MY stories now! That was a long time
ago...
-----
Later in the day, a wedding took place inside the Tendo dojo.
"Ryoga and Ukyou? I never had imagined..." Akane held Ranma's arms as
the two sat in one corner of the room.
"You thought of it, but I guess you don't remember." Ranma smiled and
Akane felt somehow happy that she couldn't remember anything since last
night.
"So are you going to sleep in my room again tonight?" Ranma and Akane
ignored the rest of the ceremony.
"What exactly was the reason I told you to sleep on the roof?" Ranma
was enjoying recalling what had happened last night that he failed to
recognize the trap Akane laid out for him.
"What!" The sudden outburst immediately interrupted the whole wedding,
and everyone stared at Akane, who was looking intensely furious. "Ryoga
is P-chan! My pet P-chan!"
Nakoruru: How did she suddenly arrive at that? And what's this trap?
Sklathill: Well...maybe it's explained later...
Ryoga and Ukyou stared at each other. Everyone was caught surprised by
the next events.
Before everyone realized what was happening the groom was running out
the dojo. Ryoga was running for his life. "Damn it Ranma. I thought
she forgot all about it?!"
Sklathill: The commonplace mistake of reiteration is an oft occuring
problem.
Ranma was running along with him. "Long story man. Just keep running!"
The two jumped up the fence and headed out into the streets.
"Get back here you two! BAKA! I'll get you for this Ryoga! Ranma!"
"Ranma, how the hell did she remember?!"
"Actually, she forgot! Duck!" The two narrowly missed a projectile
thrown to them by their pursuer. "Damn, we're doing this all over
again. Like the first one wasn't bad enough!"
"I hope Nabiki would talk to Dr. Tofu this time!" The two jump away as
more debris tried to nail the both of them. "The last time, it took Dr.
Tofu hours to recover from Kasumi."
"Don't remind me!"
"BAKA! How could you deceive poor Akane like that!" This time lots of
okonomiyaki flied towards their direction.
"Yikes! You didn't tell Ucchan?!" Both jumped away from the flurry of
dough coming their way.
"How could I? She never stops stuffing me with her cooking!" The two
had almost covered half of Nerima. But the two women still continued to
pursue Ranma and Ryoga.
"What do you think? Would Dr. Tofu be already back to normal by now?"
Ryoga rounded a corner with Ranma following suit.
"Let's run a few more minutes, just to make sure."
Shizumaru: This should prove most enticing...
------
A few hours later since the disastrous wedding everything, seems to be
back to normal.
Shizumaru: No talking to Dr. Tofu? Darn! I want details like that!
"I'm glad you two decided to get married." Akane and Ukyou embraced
each other.
"I have you to thank, Akane."
Both of them looked at the their husbands who were slumped on the couch
in the living room, and both were dead tired and fast asleep.
"They sure picked a strange time to sleep?" Akane and Ukyou just
laughed.
-----
The End
-----
Sklathill: So...what do you think?
Nakoruru: I thought it was really good idea...but as a whole story?
Shizumaru: Yeah, I'm not sure myself. It would be great idea to
expand upon...and there are something that we'll never know
about!
Rimururu: Like what was it that Ranma did that he had to sleep on the
roof. And there are a few things to just clarify...but it's
a pretty cool story.
Sklathill: I really like it...I hope for some more posts, prehaps
extrapolating on these ideas?
Rimururu: Yeah, that would be really cool...
Sklathill: Oh well...that's the story for today...there should be some
more stories...let me download them
(Presses a few buttons and suddenly the plane in space becomes a
holograph which could be likened to a speedometer, except using
percentages.)
Nakoruru: While that's going on, perhaps you'd like to spar with me?
Sklathill: WHAT?! I'm not THAT good...
Rimururu: Don't worry, she'll be easy with you...think of her as...a
teacher...not a sparring partner...you didn't bring your
kodachi with you, did you?
Sklathill: Actually, (Unsheathing the kodachi attached to his belt,)
right here. You never know who you'll come across in
feudal Japan...
Nakoruru: So...is it okay?
Sklathill: Sure...but my form needs a lot of work...could you go
easy on me?
Nakoruru: (smiling) Sure Vincent-chan, you'll be fine...
Shizumaru: Vincent...uhm...
Sklathill: Ee?
Shizumaru: How did you get that nickname?
Sklathill: Uhm...let's save that for another post...
C&C greatly appreciated (public and private will do)
C&C greatly appreciated for my post too! :)
Vincent Diamante a.k.a. Sklathill
This was an hour fic....