Andrew's notes:
1. The Quasi-Lemon is because there is one scene where there is explict
sex-action, but it's only for a few lines anyway. It's really not that
descripted anyway.
2. Ranma 1/2 is copyrighted by Rumiko Takahashi, insert your favorite
disclaimer joke here.
3. This is my first fan-fic, and I'd love to have some criticisms back
about this one. I got the idea from reading, J. Austin Wilde's "2001:
Oddessy 1/2" & Brian Hamlton's "Rumiko Takahashi's Quest for the Holy
Grail!" I'd figured that if anyone can spoof Arthur C. Clarke, Monty
Python's Flying Circus, & Ranma 1/2...Shakespeare's fair game.
4. Yes, this isn't exactly what happens in "Much Ado About Nothing." I'd
changed it a bit to reflect what I think would happen if the Ranma cast was
actually put in there, since this is a merge between the two groups of
characters.
5. You can reach me at akunz@cctr.umkc.edu! 
(We see Akane sitting there, weeping. We get closer, and we see it’s a
dramatis personae for a Shakespearean play. Cologne hops over, dressed like
a director.)
Cologne: What’s wrong, my child?
Akane: I’VE NEVER BEEN IN A SHAKESPEAREAN PLAY! WAHHH!!! I NEVER GOT A
GREAT SIGNIFICANT ROLE SINCE I WAS BUMPED IN Romeo & Juliet CAUSE I WAS
NEEDED TO PLAY ROMEO!!!WAHH!!!
Cologne: Well, my child, I have just the play for you. It’s our present
feature called "Much Ado About Nothing" and it is so much like a Ranma ½
fan-fic, you might be surprised...
Akane (wiping away her tears): A-and who do I play?
Cologne (whispers something in her ear): Well?
Akane (smashes Cologne with a mallet): You ghoul! I do that all the time
with Ranma!
Cologne (whimpering, something she’s never really done): Then I suppose you
wouldn’t like where I placed Son-in-law at... (She gets hammered again.
Then Akane turns around and heads the other way with the mallet.)
Akane: Ranma no baka! (She runs after Ramna, repeating this phrase)
Ranma (shouting in the background): What did I do???
And now, presenting:
Ranma ½: Much Ado About Nothing or This should be really familar...
Characters, Who plays them in Ranma World, & what they said when they
learned about it...
Don Pedro	Herb "I get a really nice role for a change!"
Don John	Kuno "I dunno, I usually get mad at Saotome, not Hibiki..."
Claudio	Ryouga "I actually got a great part this time! With my second
favorite 		girl!"
Benedick	Ranma "Me and that  uncute girl falling in love! As likely as
Apple being 		bought by Bill Gates! Wait, that’s already happened..."
Leonato	Soun "Wahhh" (He’s crying again)
Antonio	Genma (Holding sign): I play this as a panda?!?!?!
Balthasar	Mousse "I have to follow Herb?"	
Conrade	Shampoo "Me and Dr. Toufuu evil? Shampoo better check and see what
Great-		grandmother put in author’s herbal tea..."
Borachio	Dr. Toufuu "Kasumi suggested this role. I was suppose to unleash
my evil, 		but what if I don’t have an evil side???"
Friar 
Francis	Nabiki(actually, everyone else): "A Priestess! Nabiki ain’t exactly
a 		saint!"
Dogberry	Happousai (Again, everyone else): "Isn’t this like a fox assigned
to 		guard the chicken house?!!"
Verges 	Kodachi "I always wanted a humorous role..."
Hero 		Akari "I get to be with my pig-man!"
Beatrice 	Akane 'Ranma and me?! The day that’ll happen, is that day Hell
freezes 		over!!! Is it me, or has it gotten a bit cold in here?"
Ursula		Nodika "Is there something I’m missing?"
Margaret 	Kasumi "Oh, my! Oh, wow! A breakthrough role with the man I love!"
Act I, Scene 1: At the Tendo Castle
(We see a messenger running in with a letter to Soun. He sees it, drags
Akari & Akane over to the outside, where the water that Soun soon flows
doesn’t damage the expensive furniture.)
Soun (crying): My darlings! Prince Herb is coming here to Messina!
Messenger 1: In fact, he isn’t more than 3 leagues off (as everyone looks
at him wondering what he means--he shrugs) 90 miles away.
Soun (puzzled): I thought you meant they were in minor league
baseball...er, never mind. Were there any mishaps?
Messenger 1: Oh, not much, but all I know was that they were extras in this
play.
Soun: I understand that young Ryouga did well under Prince Herb!
Messenger 1: Yes, he actually didn’t get lost this time! (Giggles from
Akari & Akane) Well, he’s grown to be such a powerful and excellent
fighter, perhaps taking over Ranma place!
Soun (noting the slight scourn from Akane): Well, at least his uncle here
in Messina will be glad in his coming!
Messinger 1: Wait, I thought this was Nermina? (Soun shakes his head
violently ‘no’.) I see...heh, heh...well I’ve delivered him letters via
UPS...I swear, that boy has a heart of glass. He gets all riled up every
time a letter comes...maybe he needs psychratic help.
Soun: I think he’s beyond help. Did he cry?
Messenger 1: Oh yes! Much like you!
Soun (crying again): Then he takes after me and is fine! Who says men can’t
cry, anyway!!!
Akane: I swear, uncle, one of these days, you’re going to be dehydrated,
and why can’t we get the Postal Service here anyway?! (Touches the
Messenger 1 as he is about to leave, softly) By the way is that hentai of a
boy Ranma back yet?
Messenger 1: Excuse me?
Soun (teasing): Which guy was that?
Akira (pounding Soun’s head with one of Akane’s mallets):
I-*pound*-think-*pound!*-she-means*POUND* Ranma “what, I’m not a girl”-chan
 Saotome!
Soun (on the ground and almost motionless): And I thought Akane was bad at
this...
Messenger 1 (Looking at that metal mallet with utter trepidation): Uh,
yeah, I remember..he he...he was there (sighs). Not this again...
Akane: That baka! He eats like a pig, can’t stand tomboys, wouldn’t know
what love was it if it him as a semi-truck going at 150 miles per hour, and
not only that couldn’t fall in love, he has to fight it! If he thinks wars
and battles are tough, then he’ll wish he’d died in these wars compared to
what I AM GOING TO DO TO HIM!!!!  (He steps on Soun.)
Soun (slightly getting up): Help, I can’t feel my legs! (turns to Akane)
Listen, girl, he isn’t that bad, I mean he doesn’t wreck the place up like
he does in real life!
Messenger 1: Besides, he’s fought almost as well as Ryouga.
Akane: Sure, and boy, do I have a bridge to sell you. The only thing he’s
good for is to keep the food supply going, he eat’s too much.
Messenger 1: Could I explain the number of medals he’s won?
Akane: Like that’s gonna help him protect himself when he comes around
here? Besides who is he kidding, anyway?
Messenger 1: He’s not like that, he’s very honourable.
Akane: “And Brutus was an honourable man...” wait that’s the wrong play.
And why are we spelling ‘honourable’ like this?
(The messenger looks at her and grins, and looks at Soun with much fear.)
Soun (to the Messenger 1): Ever since my late wife “suggested” that they
should get married, well, they’ve hated each other’s guts! But they only
fight and destroy my castle, and reputation. 
Akane: Hey, in our last “Anything-Goes-Your-Mamma Contest” I won 19 out of
the last 20 rounds. Besides, he has to be very good...he has so many
enemies, he hardly needs friends.
(Akari looks at her and bellow a “ooh.” The Messenger 1 looks even more
worried, wondering what’ll happen to Messenger 2...)
Messenger 1: I see, he’s not on your 10 Ten List.
Akane: I don’t even HAVE a list! (Bops the messenger 1 on the head.) So,
who’s his latest enemy?
Messenger 1: Let’s see, oh he’s protecting Ryouga?
Akane (laughs like Kodachi): Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Looks to see everyone
in the entire play looking down at her with total fear) Hey, I needed that
laugh. So, Ranma fighting with Ryouga. Doesn’t he simply just gets lost? I
hope Ryouga doesn’t get murdered, for my cousin’s sake.  (Akari looks at
Akane with much gladness and fear.)
Soun (crying): Akane! When will this torchure ever end?
Akane: When the Cubs win the World Series in 4 games straight!
Messenger 1: Ah, here comes the company now.
Prince Herb, Kuno, Ryouga, Ranma-kan, & Mousse enters, stage right.
Herb: Ha, Lord Tendo Soun, it is good to see you after such a ferocious
fight. How’s the casino goin’?
(We then see a vision of a casino station like you would see at Las Vegas,
Monte Carlo, and other such richly decorated areas. Genma-panda is there at
the Roulette wheel holding up numbers as they go by. He then pulls out a
sign that says: ‘It’s a living.’)
Soun: 5-to-1 odds in my favor. I wish I could win at my own lottery game
though. (He pulls out a sheet as Nabiki calls out the numbers from a
television set. He repeats the numbers.) 25-42-92-84-93 and 193! Rats!
Missed again!
Herb: Oookay. Ah, Akari, she is as beautiful as what her mother had said.
Soun (cries): I want my wife back! Wahhh!!!
Ranma: Okay, that was lost in the script.
Herb: That’s okay, Ranma. Hey, but this girl is growin’ up.
Ranma: Yeah, Akari is definitely cute.  (Akari blushes.)
Akane: Ranma you baka! She’s cuter than me!
Ranma: Yeah, you kawaiikuna!
Akane: Pervert!
Ranma: You know, it’s a good thing you’ve got servants in this comedy
play...it’ll be a tragedy if you cooked a meal!
Akane: Yeah, and you wouldn’t know how to eat propery if Miss Manners came
by and sat on your lap! Like all of the other girls, you hentai!
Ranma: Well, at least they don’t mind me as much as they hate you!
(Akane has enough and beats Ranma senseless. Then, to add injury to insult,
he flings him up, through the castle and up towards the sun. He bumps into
Icarus and starts his decent...)
Herb: Well, that was nice. Unfortunately due to the renovations at the
castle... (everyone gives that “I-don’t-believes-you” look)...okay it was
destroyed during the war, I need a place to sleep for a month. And you are
my first place. Besides, all of the other servants that I usually have took
all of the Sheratons, Hiltons –  I can’t even get a room at a Motel 6! So,
you are the first place to room for a while. Me and my brother and guest
will have to stay here, at least a month or two...of course at the
invitation of Soun-sama.
Soun: As I will...rent is 350,000 yen a night (everyone groans)hey, where
did you think Nabiki got her business skills from anyway?  (To Kuno)Oh,
“Blue Thunder” I realize that you’re the evil guy and that you’re gonna do
something bad while we’re all here, anyway. But, I would like for you to
stay anyway. I need the money.
Kuno: Thanks, anyway. I am a man of little words... (then he starts to
speak a poem of thanks, but everyone ignores him and drags him off, still
reciting. Ryouga is still here. Ranma finally crashs back and lands on
Kuno)...oof! (He’s unconscious. Ranma rolls towards Ryouga.)
Ryouga: Ow. What’s with this fighting with Akane? (Ranma gets up and
wobbles a bit.)
Ranma: Her mother, before she died, signed a law saying that she and I have
to be married and we’ve been fighting it ever since, and fighting ourselves.
Ryouga: Is she pretty, kawaii?
Ranma: No, she’s not from Hawaii...oh, you mean ‘cute.’ No, she’s very
homely. Even her cousin Akari is more cute than that uncute tomboy. Besides
why are you asking me, an Akane-hater?
Ryouga: I-I think I’ve fallen in love with Akari, and wish to marry her.
Ranma: Well, that leaves just me. That’s fine, go ahead make that
committment to the ‘yes dear’ club and become a burden to your fiancee and
wife.
(Herb reenters.)
Herb: Hey come on in, we don’t get you two in now, the rate will triple!
(Looks at them.) Okay, what is it now. And I want to know, NOW!
Ranma: Ryouga has fallen head over heels for Akari.
Ryouga: Akari! (His eyes fog over.)
Ranma:  (Slaps Ryouga for a moment): Not that Dr. Tofu glass trick!
Ryouga: Oh, I’m sorry, but I’d do anything — 
Ranma:  – even bungee jumping?
Ryouga:  – even competing in an orienteering competition to win her love.
(Herb and Ranma look at this with a serious look.)
Herb: Man that is serious. (He sighs.)Well, then let’s see what we can
do...I have to admit, she and you are a great pair. (Herb holds a copy of
“Shakespearean Royality Monthly”. We see a pictures of Keiichi talking to
Belldandy, Urd, Skuld as the three goddesses hover over a cauldron. The
title reads: “Incestous Royality Plagues Scotland” ) Let’s see hey, she’s
also the girl in charge of the Royal Pigs Fan Club. She loves pigs, has a
group of sumo pigs guarding her, and once she learns about your curse —
she’ll love you! In fact...I have an idea.
Ranma: Well, you two just go right on ahead. As for me Cupid couldn’t make
me fall in love if he had the Death Star cannons at his personal disposal.
It probably would kill me anyway.  (starts singing)I’m a confirmed old
bachelor and I’d rather hear a new addition of the Spanish Inquistion than
to ever have a woman in my life...
Ryouga (rolling his eyes): Ah, Ranma, that’s from My Fair Lady...wrong play.
Herb (with a smile to his face):Well, well, well. We’ll see about that.
Adieu, Benedick, er Ranma.
Ranma: So long, your majesty. I can’t convince you and you can’t convince
me...
(Ranma leaves leaving Herb & Ryouga alone. Herb grabs Ryouga and takes him
into the library, where we see a body of Mr. Body and a gun. A picture of
Colonel Mustard is near by. And I have got to stop putting in wacky
references.)
Ryouga: Okay, what’s your idea?
Herb: Listen and you shall learn, the many ways of love. Wait that didn’t
come out right...
Ryouga (sighs): Okay, I suppose I better start. Now Tendou Soun doesn’t
have any sons, right?
Herb: No child but Akari.
Ryouga: Akari! How that name gleams as if playing Dig Dug! Everytime I hear
that name softly, it’s like praying! Akari, I’ll never stop saying Akari!
I’d do anything! For one kiss, anything! Yes one kiss anything, I see! I
would kill a million people with my own bare hands for her love!
Herb: (aside to the audience) Er, yeah. I have a feeling that singing songs
from Broadway hits is gonna be contagious.  (Suddenly he looks at them in
the mirror. To Ryouga:) You know, we both kinda look like each other. Give
me that bandana. (Ryouga does so.)
Ryouga: Okay, what now?
Herb: I’ve got it. Now, I know that are very squimish when it comes to
talking with Akari. So I’ll disguise myself as you and tell her how much
you love her. Then I’ll tell Soun himself, such that he doesn’t cry out in
such happiness that he ruins the floors. Either that or I’ll inject him
with Valium. Shall we try this? (Ryouga nods as the scene ends.)
Act I, Scene 2
(We start at Soun’s sauna room with Genma (a sauna with a panda, I don’t
wanna anda...) as he and the panda are “talking.”)
Soun: How is it my brother! Do we have music for tonight?
Genma (always with a sign): I’ve picked out “Bad Hair Day” that Amazon
tribe best-selling hit.
Soun (with his shades on): Cool. Anything from the Nabiki headphones?
Genma: Our little spy caught Herb & Ryouga talking in the Clue Wing’s
Libary.  (flips sign) By the way, we need to murder another peasant. It’s
been three days. Anyway listen to this! (He plays the entire conversation
between Herb & Ryouga.)  (another sign) So, he loves your daughter!
Soun (immediately crying): I have a husband for my daughter and he will
never leave home!!! Quickly, we must tell Akari, so that the joke is on
them! (He laughs like Kodachi, and again everyone in the entire play looks
down at him.) Hey, it’s a running gag. What could be worse?
Genma (pours hot water on himself and sings in a operatic style): Ssssome
enchanted evening! You may see a stranger! You may see a stranger, across a
Green Day mosh pit! And suddenly, you both hit it off! And then you may
find them, find them again and again!
Soun (groans & face-faulting): I had to ask.
Genma (still singing softly, now) Once you have found her, never let her
go, once you have found her, never ever LET HER GOOOOOOOO! (Everyone
appaulds his performance. He bows graciously as roses, boquets, and
“encores” ring the room.)
Act I, Scene 3
(In a different part of the castle, Shampoo is massaging Kuno very well
with her bonbori. Then she dances the Irish Gig and Tango on him as Dr.
Tofu comes into the massaging parlor and joins Shampoo on top of Kuno.They
end the massage with dancing tunes from “Riverdance.”  However, Kuno looks
very distressed.)
Shampoo: Why Kuno sad?
Kuno: I want my pig-tailed goddess! And Akane, and Akari!
Shampoo: Why not me?
Kuno: Because you’re a barbarian and a cat!
Shampoo: Will you wait your turn?
Kuno: No! I, the “Blue Thunder” can not wait as my rightful duty of leader
is being swashed by a Chinese Prince, whom Father, that crazy Principal of
a idiot entrusted, be-before he went into the mental hospital on the island
of Hawaii. (He cries.)
Dr. Tofu: Well, perhaps this will help. Your pig-tailed goddess gave me
this copy of the tape between Soun & Genma (he plays it.). Any ideas, my lord?
Kuno: Yes, it will do very nicely. In fact, I have a brilliant plan.
Dr. Tofu & Shampoo (rolling their eyes): Oh boy, here it come.
Kuno: It..it (they look at him incredulously)..will take place at the
dinner swaree. Are you with me? 
Dr. Tofu: Ah, sure.
Shampoo: Why not.
Kuno: Then let’s go, my pig-tailed goddess awaits! (There is the
obliquetory thunder & lightning.)
 Act II, Scene 1
(The scene opens at the royal gardens, somehow the entire set of pools from
Jusenkyou are here, completely marked and has a Chinese guide. We see Soun,
Genma (not in panda form), Akari and Akane.)
Soun: That was a marvelous dinner, although ’tis was a pity that Kuno did
not join us.
Genma: I didn’t see him, if that was your question.
Akane: He looks like the definition of a bad day.
Akari: Do you think, Akane, he would benefit from my Valium/Prozac study?
Akane: Nah, better to put him in the gene pool with Ranma, perhaps the
combinations of the two might make a better man.
Genma: Daughter, that is a quite a combination, with Ranma’s good fighting
skills, Kuno’s displine – 
Akane: Well, he would certainly win every single match that they played,
and drawed with me, since I wouldn’t care for the combination, anyway.
Soun: Ouch. Dear niece have you ever considered doing a stand-up gig?
Genma: Yeah, Dennis Leary has nothing on you.
Akane: Well, perhaps, but even my wit won’t bring me a husband. Well, at
least I wouldn’t even let it.
Soun: You don’t like boys?
Akane: Well, I absolutely hate boys. In fact, I couldn’t care less about
having a husband, let alone some idiot like well Kuno and Ranma. 
Soun: So, what?
Akane: Oh, and if you’re waiting for me to sing “Someday my Prince will
come?” Save your breath, I can’t sing anyway. 
Soun: You can always wish for one.
Akane: And you know what they say about wishing for something, because you
might get it. No, I’ll probably end up an old maid, scorned by everyone,
even Heaven and Hell, since I can not enter either without a husband.
That’s okay, I’ll beat up God with my mallet anyway.
God: And trust me, she’s beaten me up a couple of times.
Genma: What was that? Oh well, Akari, remember what your father taught you.
Akane: Yeah, the ‘yes-dear’ school of following a boyfriend blindly. Don’t
tell me about that ‘Father, may I?’ game. It is so trite.
Soun: Ha! Becareful because you might fall in love, too.
Akane: Ha! Until I find a man that isn’t a man.
Soun (to Akari): Daughter, remember what we talked about. If the prince
asks your hand, for Ryouga, you’ll say ‘yes.’ (Akari nods.)
Akane: Prince Herb wooing for Ryouga, that’s love for ya, dear cousin.
Remember, Akari, after the flashes of glory and granduer, the rest of your
life is almost gunk.
Soun: Ouch. How do you know all about life?
Akane: Hey, I’ve seen it happen a zillion times. Besides, the answer is
fourty-two.
Soun (in ’70’s music clothing): Well, put on those disguises and start
partying.
(More costume people come in as everyone groans to the Saturday Night Fever
song. Everyone is randomly grabbed a partner.)
Herb (dressed exactly like Ryouga): Hey, male box?
Akari (dressed exactly like, well, Tsubasa in a mail box): Yes? What do ya
big boy?
Herb: Do you want to join me in your company?
Akari: So, what, P-Chan?
Herb: I have something to say. Wait, how do...
Akari: I know about the whole thing. I noticed the real P-Chan over there
at the punch table. (Herb turns & sees Ryouga as P-Chan dumping 200 Proof
bottles of sake and Absolut Vodka in the punch bowl. In between the spiking
the punch, he’s eating some sandwiches.) Tell me, though, does he really
love me?
Herb: Why yes. So what?
Akari: There’s much that we need to discuss, including whether he has to be
with your army or not again, my status, our salaries, and about Kuno. I
heard what’s he’s gonna do.
(We turn to another conversation between Kasumi as the costumed Might Duck
of Anaheim & Mousse as a yellow duck, kinda like that old rubber ducky you
would have in the shower when you were little (at least I and Ernie
did).Mousse  is always holding a sign. Incidentally the song playing in the
background here is Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign. (Oh oho oh!))
Mousse: AH, DO YOU LIKE MY COSTUME?
Kasumi: Right down to that squeaking sound. Is there someone that you love?
Mousse: THERE IS SHAMPOO.
Kasumi: Shampoo, the servant lady to Kuno?
Mousse: THAT’S THE ONE.
Kasumi: Perhaps I can help you.
Mousse (flaps towards her.): REALLY?! DO TELL ME HOW.
Then we see Nodika and Genma. Genma is still a bear, but he looks like the
Coke-cola Polar Bear and sounds like one as well. Nodika  is dressed up as
a mop, riding a pogo stick.
Nodika: You know, you look rather familiar, why you must be Mr. Saotome!
Genma (quickly pulls out sign): I AM NOT!
Nodika: See, only he pulls out signs.  (She douses him with Hot Water)
Genma: Oops! So, would you like to go towards the cursed pools and look at
them?
Nodika: Why, yes dear.
(Finally, in the coupe de grace, we see Ranma and Akane. They are both too
drunk to be mad. Akane is dressed up like Ukyou, but much, much shorter.
Ranma is dressed up as Ranma-chan, or Ranko if you prefer except she
doesn’t have the patent Ranma ponytail (™), and has it in a French Braid.
Did I mention that Akane’s hair is actually very long in this series? The
song here is the very ’80’s hit “I’m Too Sexy For My Love.”)
Akane: Ranko, who told you this about me?
Ranma-chan: Oh, sorry, I forgot, but is it true?
Akane: Yes. Wait, why am I telling you this? Besides, Ranko, how do I know
that you aren’t related to Ranma in any sort of way?
Ranma-chan (mockingly mad): Are you insulting me?
Akane: N-no, but I would be at Ranma. He’s such a baka. He fights around
and fights at me and tells me all sorts of BS. Why, he’s not the kind of
man that would fight my mother.
Ranma-chan: I-I’m not familiar with Ranma. I don’t have him in my family,
but I just don’t know him!
Akane: Ranma is an hentai baka with a brain...I take that back, he doesn’t
have a brain. He’s dumber than Kuno! Why, between the two of them, there’ll
be a wind tunnel! He tries to be friends with everyone and ends up either
being clobbered or clobbering everyone else. And then I beat him ’til dead.
Ranma-chan: When I met him, remind me to slap him. Good.
Akane: Do so, in fact, tell him about this conversation. That’ll put him in
his place. (The girls laugh hysterically. The song shifts to the classic
song “Locomotion.”) This is my favorite song.
Ranma-chan: So is mine (they smile) you wanna conga?
Akane (kissing Ranma-chan on the cheek): Hey, I may hate boys, but I think
you’re kinda sweet and cute. Let’s do it!  (They start to form a line with
everyone, with Akane in the lead.)
Ryouga,aka P-Chan, is still putting stuff into the spiked punch. By this
time, everyone is so drunk, an orgy is going on. He notices Kuno and Dr.
Tofu come in, extremely drunk.)
Kuno (dressed as his sister, Kodachi): Tofu, remind me to talk – hic –  to
Ryouga and spread that lie about Prince Herb wanting Hero.
Dr. Tofu: You mean Akari. Hero isn’t the character in this play!
Kuno (puzzled): You mean there isn’t a hero? We’re all anti-heros?
Dr. Tofu: Is this a tragedy? Have we not been through too much comic relief?
Kuno: Well, and i-i-if we aaren’t able to convince them we’ll just murder
Akari and Ryouga.  (Dr. Tofu isn’t listening as he guzzles another barrell
of spiked punch. Kuno notices P-Chan) Oh well, hey, nice piggy! Are you fixed?
Ryouga: BWEEEEE! (The other two pass out.)
(Ryouga awakes the next day, after the party and everyone still moaning on
what had hit them. He quickly turns into his male self and snickers at his
private little joke. Once everyone is awake and such, and after he takes
Nabiki’s passionate tapes and reviews them is he ready to face the day. We
now see him talking to himself, in the greenhouse, checking on Biosphere
2’s private Ocean. And yes, it’s a big indoor ocean, complete with a molten
lava trench.)
Ryouga: Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so hasty in my wanting of Akari. It
seems that even before they were drunk, they were wanting my love and me
dead. I’m not worried about me, but Akari must live, since she is the only
heir of the Anything Goes Casino Riverboat and Hotel chain. Besides, I
wonder sometimes whether or not all of this is a good idea. Perhaps I
should wait.  (He sees Ranma, now in his usual form. He’s holding his head
as if still having a hangover.) Oh oh.
Ranma: Ryouga?
Ryouga: What? Are you gonna fight me?
Ranma: No, but will you follow me?
Ryouga: Sure, why?
Ranma: Well, Prince Herb has gotten your woman!
Ryouga (sarcastically): Great.
Ranma: Well, aren’t you the eager beaver? What’s eating you?
Ryouga: Well, I’ve gotten to think that perhaps I’m a little to eager to
jump into marriage and Kuno is threatening our lives if we do marry.
Ranma: Look at this, Herb is coming.
Ryouga: I-I better find a bathroom. (He leaves.)
Herb: Well, Ranma, where did Ryouga go.
Ranma: He had to find a porta-potty. Actually he’s wondering if he should
go through this so quickly. Kuno, your brother has threatened to kill him
and Akari if they go through this.
Herb: I see. Well, they were probably drunk, like the rest of us were last
night. Boy, what in the heck was that in that punch?! Everyone, even the
little kiddies were drunk and whoopin’ it. Even Akane was kissing a
gorgeous girl (Ranma turned three shades of blue), speaking of which, she’s
not happy with you.
Ranma: What did I do? She called me a blything idiot, no better than your
brother himself. She said between the two of us, we’d be useful for a wind
tunnel! If I wasn’t so drunk, why I would have been much more offended.
Atleast we agree that we have to do something to get this stupid law off
our backs. Please, can’t you get someone to pull her out of my rear? She’s
making much more of a fool that I could ever do with myself!
Herb (smiling with great amusement): Speak of the devil. (They see Akane
coming up, still with her hangover.)
Ranma (pleading): Wait, how’s about putting me into use. I can go get the
Nan-ban Mirror? (Herb shakes his head no.) The Golden Fleece? A pair of
panties from Happousai? Not even me finding the Amazon village and send
them here for a free vacation? (Herb has shaken his head for all of these.)
What do you want???
Herb: Just stay here and enjoy your company with me. (he laughs.)
Ranma:NOOOOOOOOOO! (He runs, but bumps into Akane, and with a typical
“Ranma, no baka!” she smashes him and punts him into the next couple of
scenes.)
Herb: Akane! Why did you do that? You might have done better if you forgave
him. You were drunk. (By this time, Akane is joined by Ryouga, Akari, and
Soun.)
Akane: I suppose that could be forgiven...NOT. Well, I guess I have never
given him a chance. I wish that Mother didn’t have this idea of being
matchmaker. I, and I think he himself, would like for us to find out our
perfect mates ourselves? Besides, who else would know better ourselves,
than ourselves? Besides, Ranma couldn’t find his inner child, he has an
inner cat.
Herb: Ouch. No wonder you’re the Put-down Queen.
Akane: I found Ryouga, in the handicap stall. He has a concern. Before you
ask, yes he was lost in the ladies room.
Herb: I see.  (In a German Psychariastic voice) So va seems to be your
problem?
Ryouga: Well, I’m worried.
Herb: How worried.
Ryouga: Sorta, kinda, possibly worried.
Akane: Sorta worried? More like 100% Chicken. Which is interesting for a pig.
Herb: I understand, don’t speak! I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t
need the reason, don’t tell me! It hurts!...Man now I’m starting to say it.
But anyway, with her father’s consent, since he knew about the plan through
Nabiki’s secret spies, here is Akari. And don’t worry, she loves that fact
that you are a pig, sometimes.
Soun (crying): Ryouga, will you take my daughter, please? She is the heir
of this great casino and with this, your slot machine of life will always
end up with the jackpot! Speaking of which, I wonder how’s the casino doing...
(In fact, we see (at the casino) Ukyou looks at a slot machine. She puts in
single coin and pulling down the handle and the next thing she knows, she’s
swimming in a sea of coins, as Genma-panda cheerfully comes over with the
confetti and signs of “Congradulations!” Ukyou appears out of the sea of
coins and joyfully replies, “Yatta!” Her fist is in the air. Back over to
the artificial beachfront, all we hear is the rushing of the waves as
Ryouga is holding on the Akari very gently. No one has spoken in quite a
while, and Akari can’t get her eyes off Ryouga. We see Akane and Herb
dumping heavy industrial strength Passion Spice on the lovers.)
Akane: Well, aren’t you going to say something? This is your cue, I just
can’t do a monologue here!
Ryouga: Well, I could, but I can’t put this into words. It seems as if time
has stopped by this beautiful girl and all I can say is take what is thine!
Yes, even my stamp collection with that famous upside-down stamp and other
rare stamps from around the world.  (Starts singing) I’m as restless as
bullfrog in a wind storm...
Akari (joining him): ...I’m as jumpy as a puppet on a string...
Akane (giggles): Either you two kiss now, or I’m gonna sock you two so hard
you’ll be recognized as a type of sandwich. (They kiss.) And will everyone
please stop singing broadway songs?
Herb: Well, you’re not the dominatrix that everyone seems to say you are.
Akane: Yes. (Looks at the couple smooching like there’s no tomorrow and
pleasantly smiles.) In fact, I bet she’s telling him how much she loves her
and that she’d even let him use her Harley Davison Motorcycle. Or that
Porsche she just recently bought.
Ryouga: Actually, she was telling me how she wants to use me to see what
makes pigs really satifsifed.
Akari: The happier the pig, the better they produce bacon. (They smile.)
Akane: Oooookay. (Then she looks rather sad.) Well, I guess everyone has
been paired up except me. I’ll just sit here and patiently wait my turn, I
guess.
Herb: Perhaps could I be of assistance?
Akane: Well, no. Everyone’s matchmaking for me has backfired, and I suppose
it’s my fault since I can’t live with boys, and I guess I can’t live
without them, either. But, forgive me, you really didn’t need to know that.
Herb: Well, I’m available.
Akane (looks at him for a shining moment, then looks down.): Well, you and
I aren’t exactly compatible types. We’re are so different. Besides, I don’t
think being a Queen is exactly what I can become, despite what you’ve seen
of me. I would like to wait my turn.
Herb: I see. Are you saddened by your mother’s loss? You seemed to have
been born at such a fortuate time.
Akane: No, I was a heavy child at birth, she said it was like giving birth
to a brick. Then, through some fate in the sky, I became enlightened to the
point that I weight less than a feather to her. And under that, I was
fortuate. (Akane starts to cry.)
Soun (feeling sorry for her, but not too sorry): Okay. Akane, would you
like to make dinner for us?
Akane: You mean, you want me to? Yatta! I’ll start on it immediately! (She
looks with ambition, and leaves in a gust.)
Herb: Well, with her cooking, this could still turn out a tragedy.
Soun: She may be a mean spirit, but I have seen her laugh in her sleep and
say it was because of a bad dream, she always dreams she’s getting married.
She can’t stand men and husbands.
Herb: I think, rather, that she can’t stand how everyone looks so uncute to
her when beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Soun: Then you’ve obviously never seen the man after dating her. Usually
he’s unconscious for months!
Herb: You know, she with her temper and wit and Ranma’s firery passion and
intellengence. They’d be perfect couple.
Soun: Are you nuts, my Prince?! They’d kill each other, the rest of the
nation, and the dead and dammed if they were married just a week! Genma
wouldn’t make it past the first minute after their marriage!
Herb (suddenly smiles as a brilliant idea forms in his mind. Starts to
smirk): Not if I have anything to say about it. (To Ryouga): So, when you
two wanna to get married?
Ryouga: Oh, we want to tie the knot tomorrow! Akari can’t wait!
Soun: Oh ho! From timid suitor to hurried lover, eh? Can’t you wait just a
week? Wait, I can’t believe I just said that. (Everyone looks at him
funny.) Nevermind. How about next week on a Monday? That’s just seven days,
and by then you and Akari will be very well knowledged about each other!
Herb: Excellent, in fact, that’ll be enough to put my plan into action. You
know how I tried to get you two together, well, why don’t we do the same
for Ranma & Akane! It’s gonna be tougher than eating Akane’s cooking, but
it’ll be fun! It used to be done via Cupid, but with our wits, not even
Cupid, with what Ranma refered to as his “Death Star” cannon doesn’t even
have a chance! (laughs like Kodachi) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Everyone in the play
looks at him funny. He shrugs but continues.) Just think to see Ranma and
Akane actually falling in love with each other through heresay. Now I know
that Nabiki will be willing to do this, is the rest of you?
Soun: Absolutely! In fact, if you do this, I may just refund all of your
rent and lodging fees!
Ryouga: Sure, any good revenge will do! Hehe!
Herb: Excellent, how bout young Akari?
Akari: With your wits and my magic, we can’t go wrong! What’s the story on
Ranma? Is he as bad as Akane makes him out to be?
Herb: Absolutely not. Ryouga and I can attest to his valour and courage on
the field. He is rather modest when confronted, and is really more
ambitious than angry. But so is she, as you know. I’ve got it. Akari, get
your magic and wit and come with me. You’ll deal with Akane with Nodika &
Kasumi. Ryouga, Soun, Genma, Mousse, and I will thwart Ranma’s blind and
stubborn heart! Because... (Ryouga & Akari hold up a picture of Ranma & Akane)
Ryouga (singing): I know you good,
Akari (singing): I know you good,
Ryouga & Akari: I know you real good, OH!  (Everyone leaves, laughing.)
Act II, Scene 2
Kuno: Rats! Ryouga & Akari will get married after all.
Dr. Tofu: And Shampoo has fallen in for Mousse. So what? I can still cross it!
Kuno: You mean there’s a bridge around here somewhere? (Dr. Tofu face
faults.) Well, where is it? First it’s my stupid half-brother and then its
not getting my pig-tailed goddess and now it’s a bridge.  What’s a bridge
has to do with Ryouga & Akari’s marriage?
Dr. Tofu: It’s such a good plan, I’m guarnteeing it’ll work!
Kuno (not familiar with foiled plot warning #1): Oh? Pray tell thee how!
Dr. Tofu: Well, as you know, I’m engaged with Kasumi, one of Akari’s
attending women.
Kuno: And what do they attend to?
Dr. Tofu: Uh, never mind, my lord. Just listen! Just bring out a couple of
people to watch me make love to Kasumi.
Kuno: What a foul plan! What good is that?
Dr. Tofu: Well, you’ll have to convince that Akari is up there to Ryouga
and Herb. And if I know Ryouga, he’ll be so depressed, he’ll probably
destroy the entire castle and people in it within seconds. By that time,
we’ll escape, have the kingdom to ourselves, and then you’ll rule with a
iron fist!
Kuno: Excellent! Except there’s one problem.
Dr. Tofu: What’s that?
Kuno: I don’t have an iron fist or any iron on me. (Dr. Tofu falls over.)
Dr. Tofu: (Thinking): It’s a good thing that Kuno is so stupid...hey maybe
he’ll turn the kingdom over to me! (out loud) Okay. You know that tomorrow
night is a great feast. At least you know that everyone loves to eat. Bring
out Ryouga to the Akari’s chamber window and watch me make love to Kasumi
so hard, it’ll make this lemon scene well worth its subject heading. You
just convince them that this is Akari’s fault and let me do the rest.
Kuno: Deal. Say, don’t get the place too messy now.
Dr. Tofu: Kuno, my lord, in all honesty, you are so sick sometimes.
Kuno: At least you have fun. (He leaves, Dr. Tofu smiles and then his
glasses steam up. Kuno comes back and slaps him.) Hey, no steamed-up
glasses here.
Act II, Scene 3
(It is the next day. Ranma comes in and sits down in the garden, near the
cursed pools. He is in his normal self. He is reading “The Feminine
Mystique” over a large cookbook. He finishes the book, and the cookbook.)
Ranma: Shiratori Azusa! (Note: yes, this is the “boy” in this scene in
Shakespeare’s play...)
Azusa: What does my Kawaii master want?
Ranma: Would you please return these books to the Tendou Library. Then go
to my room and get me my book “Stragedy and Skills in Monopoly.” I have a
game to play tonight, and I want to play well, especially to beat Nabiki.
Also, (sighs) if you want to join me, you can bring your cute collection
and we can talk about this, if you want me as a girl, I can do that.
Azusa: Really! (Her eyes widen and are filled with joy as Ranma gives a
definite ‘yes’ nod.) Yatta! It’ll just be a minute. (She leaves.)
Ranma: Oy. What a mess. I have to admit, love is such a fickled thing.
Ryouga has such a tender glass heart, if he gets just a little
disappointed, he might just kill everyone with his depression. He is such
an extremely emotional guy. He had no remorse when we fought the enemy. In
fact, even the Devil himself was scared of this guy. Heck even God couldn’t
calm him down. Wait, didn’t that Deity promise after a little more angush
and hope, all emotions will fall except love and content? Hmm. Perhaps
there’s something in that. I have to admit, his vocabulary has certainly
been the beneficiary, spewing out words and phrases like he was an educated
man. You know, though, until I find the perfect woman, one with the wit,
intellegence--after all, Ranma, you know that wit and intellegence aren’t
exactly the same thing-- and yet, having someone who would understand this
curse, I’ll be happy. And so far, I haven’t found one yet. Not that I’m
looking. (He smirks at his own remark. Azusa returns with her stuff.) Hey,
you’re back. What’s wrong?
Azusa: Herb, Ryouga and Soun are coming this way!
Ranma (turns white): Yipe! Quick, Azusa, dump me into that pond and quickly
come with me to that bench.  (She does so.) You know that no one knows
about my curse, so we’ll play with dolls. No need for that easedropping
equipment, we’re far to close to the action to use it. (They start to talk
among themselves, girl to girl talk.)
Herb: So, Soun, do you have musicians for the week?
Ryouga: Yeah, I heard you even got Michael Jackson for the big wedding!
Herb (to Ryouga, whispering): It’s a good thing we saw Ranma’s conversation
and action on video as well.
Ryouga (whispering back): I know, Nabiki is much to crafty to be a priest.
It’s great that we know that he doesn’t have a clue that we know his secrets.
Herb (He nods, like he thought he got it. Mousse enters.): So Mousse, who’s
tonight’s guest singer?
Mousse: Well, I actually brought them along for tonight’s concert. They
aren’t that bad.
Herb: Bad? Well everyone is still jammin’ from the “Bad Hair Day” song,
“I’m having a bald Christmas.” Please bring them out so we can hear them
first hand.
Mousse: Okay. But are you sure about this?
Herb: I’m sure I’m sure.
Mousse: Fine. And now presenting live from England, “Spice Girls!” They
filter in.
Ranma-chan (to Azusa): A girl’s group! They aren’t even pretty looking.
Azusa: I’ve never dreamed of piercing my tongue...
(The Spice Girls sing their hit song, “I want you.” Then they sing that
other song, “Say you’ll be there...”, not to be confused with Sheryl Crow’s
song, “All I wanna do is to have some fun.”)
Ranma-chan: Not bad. Not bad at all.
Herb: Wow, that’s was great! Do you have the next night prepared?
Mousse: Yes. It’s “No Doubt.”
Soun: No Doubt what? That they are going to be here?
Mousse: No, the name of the band is “No Doubt!”
(The Spice Girls leave to their chambers while the band No Doubt comes and
plays, “I’m Just a Girl.” They also play “Don’t Speak.” And if you  think
there’s a theme with these bands, you’re right.)
Herb: That was even most spetacular!
Ranma-chan: Well, I must admit, that group is even better than the first
one. Well, I’m not much of a judge of singing. But the bands are great.
Azusa: “No Doubt” is so kawaii. Would you lend me some money to buy a CD of
theirs?
Ranma-chan: Oh, that reminds me, here’s your pay. (Azusa kisses Ranma-chan,
whom blushes. Needless to say, this is very much obversed by the others.)
Mousse: Well, if you will allow me, I’ve got a couple of other bands to
escort into their rooms. Farewell for now.
Herb: Farewell.
(Ranma-chan is about to sigh a huge sigh of relief Herb looks at her
smiling and then starts to talk. As the conversation continues,
Ranma-chan’s face turns even redder with each “revelation.”)
Herb: Say, Soun, did I hear you right on saying the Akane is madly in love
with Ranma?
Ryouga: No! That can’t be! She hate’s boys and men!
Soun: I had doubted my own eyes and ears for a moment, then I saw how she,
while outwardly hates him, she inside herself loves him madly!
Ranma-chan (almost shouting): Is it true? And why isn’t he starting to weep?
Soun: In fact, my Prince, the mere idea that Akane loves Ranma is something
that even I can’t comprehend, let alone a mad obsession.
Herb: Perhaps she’s lying. Perhaps she’s doing this to outwit him again,
and again.
Ryouga: That’s sounds like something Akane would do.
Soun: I thought so too, but then I found this evidence in her room and saw
her passion.
Herb: P-p-passion? She was so passionate about Ranma?
Ryouga (whispering): Almost there! Hook, line and sink him!
Soun: Passionate, yes she was passionate, weren’t you there when she told me?
Ryouga: Yes I was, if I remember correctly.
Herb: Funny that I wasn’t there. What did she do?
Soun: Well, you know me, I don’t want to do this to make Ranma so
embarassed and ill.
Ranma-chan: W-w-w-well he’s right about that. It would make him ill.
Azusa (realizing what’s going on and decided to join in the fun): Ranko, do
you realize you look so kawaii when you blush? It almost is as red as your
hair. (Ranma-chan blushes even more.)
Ryouga (whispering): Wow! I’d never thought Azusa would help us!
Herb (nods towards Ryouga, to Soun): Has she made her love known to Ranma?
Soun: No, and she will never do that. It torments her night and day. That’s
why she keeps beating up Ranma.
Ryouga: Ah, I remember her saying, ‘I wish that for once I would not maul
Ranma-kan to pieces. He looks so kawaiiiii.’
Soun: She tries to write a poem of her affections, but no words can say how
much she loves him. She’s up twenty times with a writer’s block that would
scare Steven King to pieces! These notes (he holds up gibberish notes)
tells all!
Ryouga: I remember reading those, in my P-chan form. She doesn’t know about
my curse you know.
Soun: And then when she’s finished with those notes, you know what she does?
Herb: No! Tell me!
Soun: She tears them up using Nabiki’s ANI-9000 paper shreader, you know
the one Oliver North used in the Iran-Contra scandal? She beats up herself
telling herself how immodest she is. ‘ Oh, how ill I measure up to him, I
can’t even cook a proper meal before my love! If he says that he loves me,
then I will most definately say “yes” in return!’
Ryouga: Ah, yes, she said those things to me as P-Chan. She hugs me, almost
nearly kills me with her love of Ranma, and then she cries, “Ranma! Ranma!
How much longer must I endure my own hell!” No wonder she is very ill when
he’s around.
Soun: Yes, even her patience would kill Job. Akane has suffered much in love.
Herb: Too bad Ranma doesn’t see it. Of course it’s very hard to see things
when you are constantly being beaten up by an “uncute” tomboy.
(That made Ranma-chan fall over. Azusa smiles, says, “Kawaii...” and then
kisses him. She waves at the group in her noting that she knows what’s
going on and she approves of this. They nod back in return and start again
after Ranma-chan has come to.)
Ryouga: I agree. He is much too much unsocialible to understand love. He
might make the poor girl even madder than before.
Herb: Yet, I must defend Ranma. He doesn’t know Akane’s intelligence, her
virtue.
Ryouga: She is indeed very smart.
Herb: Perfect in every way except when she’s around Ranma.
Soun (now starts to cry): Oh, how I wish her mother would see this love
bloom on her and Ranma!
Herb: Perhaps we should tell Ranma this conversation.
Soun: Do you think he’ll understand?
Ryouga: Akari is very afraid that Akane will commit suicide because of a
broken heart. Perhaps his wooing will stop those thoughts.
Herb: Well, I wouldn’t put it past Ranma to make her a fool of herself.
Ryouga: But, Ranma is a very proper gentleman.
Herb: He has a very happy-go-lucky-until-I-see-cats attitude.
Ryouga: And he does know his martial arts stuff. And is very witty at times.
Herb: Here, here.
Ryouga: And very brave.
Herb: Well, I am very sorry for your niece. Shall we tell him?
Ryouga: Nah, he’d wouldn’t believe us anyway.
Soun: But, if we don’t tell him, Akane will surely die!
Herb: Well, then let us wait and see what happens.
Soun: I sense that dinner is ready! Let’s eat! (They leave, we focus on
them as they leave towards the castle itself).
Ryouga: Boy, I think that was as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.
Herb (evil smile): Ryouga, my boy, that’s just the beginning. Why don’t we
let Akane go get Ranma herself! (Again, Kodachi laugh commences) Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha!  (Everyone in the entire play starts looking at him strangely
again.) Hey, I couldn’t help it!
Kodachi (pops out into the scene): Before this play continues, can I call
my agent and see if I can’t get my laugh patented?  (pops out again. Now we
just see Ranma-chan & Azusa.)
Ranma-chan (turning a couple shades of pink): Azusa, do you believe what we
just heard?
Azusa: No! Uh, I’m very sure they told the truth! I’m sure that Akane, the
poor girl, doesn’t have a womanly sense of how to tell a boy like you that
she’s in love. And you two would make a very kawaii couple! (She floats in
the air. Tosses him a bottle.) Here’s the hot water.
Ranma-chan: Thanks. Can you leave me alone for a moment?
(Azusa does and exits. Ranma quickly change into his normal form and sits
on a bench, away from the water.)
Ranma: She loves me. Well, I guess that I should look at this with a sign
that she is trying. Why haven’t I seen this before? She is extremely
frustrated, yes. So, I’ll let this take course very slowly. Ranma, aren’t
you just now thinking about marriage? Wow. First Ryouga and now me. And I
do have to admit, Akane is somewhat kawaii, maybe even more. Perhaps the
way I’ve treated her up to this point is the wrong way of treating her.
I’ll still be witty, but for her, and not against. Eep! Here she comes!
Akane: Ranma, my Uncle forced me to tell you (Screaming) time to eat!
Ranma: Thanks. Did you make the dinner yourself? I’d be glad to enjoy it.
Akane (rather surprised, which makes her even more angry): Why, yes I did.
You are going to eat it.
Ranma: Oh, yes. In more ways than one. (Laughs.)
Akane: Ranma, no baka! (She wallops him so hard at the end of the one-sided
fight, he looks like a beat up Beatle Bailey.) Come when you’ve healed
you’re inner wounds. (She leaves.)
Ranma: Boy, that was right on to the tee. Everything they said makes sense
now. Now, if I can get up, then everything will be just fine.  (Like in a
dream) I think I’m in love...
 Act III, Scene 1
(We find Akari in the Biosphere 2 Lab’s Tropical Rainforest “And you think
the Amazon’s big!” indoor room.  (Author’s note: This place is modeled
after the real Biosphere 2 lab in Arizona and a indoor rainforest complex I
ran through at the Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo--it’s right across from the
site of NCAA College World Series. I’d recomend it to you. It’s worth the
eight bucks to see it.) Anyway, Akari has a really huge caldron, like you’d
see in the Black Caldron or in Hamlet. Nadoka and Kasumi are entering.)
Akari:Double Double Toil, Fire burn and Caldron bubble! Eye of Newt! and
Wing of hag!
Nodika: Akari! You didn’t take defenseless animals’s body parts for this
experiment!
Akari: Nah, I just took Newt Gingrich’s eyes and Senator Exxon’s brain, or
what was left of it. Anyway, a few more things (She dumps in various things
including Ataru Moroshuboshi from UY. He screams as he’s thrown in.) and
that’s that. Now we’ll just let it simmer here and then the spices will be
ready for step three, if we need it. Nodika, I want you to go get Akane for
me, tell her that I and Kasumi her help that we’re lost in the jungle again.
Nodika: Good idea for a ruse. That’ll get her out of here.
Akari: Actually, we are very deep in the jungle, and I, for one, don’t have
a clue how to get out of here. Neither does Kasumi.
Nodika: Oh. She’ll be here. (She leaves.)
Akari: Okay, Kasumi, we’ll talk about Ranma and how cute he is. He is
rather cute. We’ve been pretty good actors before, but this time, we’ve got
be at our best! Remember, Kasumi, we want to convince her that Ranma is
madly in love with her. Well, well, look’s who’s stumbled in. (We see Akane
& Tsubasa coming in with a map of the jungle. There’s a river that
separates her from Akari and Kasumi. She came from the opposite direction
that Nodika left. Tsubasa notices the duo and winks at them.) Well, call
Nodika and tell her not to worry if she can’t find her. Isn’t it like her
to sneak on us on our private conversation? Well, this one I won’t mind her
hearing on!
Kasumi: Look at her, like a fish waiting for bait. Okay, I reached her
pager, and she’ll know not to bother with us. Ready?
Akari: Here we go.
(They walk towards the river. Akane immediately hides herself near the
reeds, wishing she had some disguise. Tsubasa quickly dumps a cheetha’s
costume on her, he’s dressed as a rock. Akane sits on Tsubasa as if she’s
trying to catch some sun rays. It is rather sunny today.)
Akari:...no, Kasumi, as much as I would like to think so, Akane’s attitude
does love all wrong. She’s as wild as a wildcat. No wonder Ranma calls her
a tomboy, she really is.
Kasumi: Are you sure this “tomboy” thing is an affection of Ranma’s on
Akane? Are you sure that Ranma loves Akane?
Akari: So says Ryouga and Herb. It’s as certain as Michael Jordan getting
into the postseason play.
(We quickly cut to rest of the cast listening in back at the castle,
enjoying Akane’s extremely wide-eyed looks as Herb and Ryouga are laughing
at it. It’s being videotaped. We don’t see Ranma here (obviously), then we
see him in a cave being attacked by cats, kittens, Lions, and Tigers. He
can’t move as they “play” with him.)
Kasumi: Oh, my. Are you sure that they want her to know about this?
Akari: Well, not exactly. I said to them, “If Ranma really loves her, he
should tell to her in her face. Besides it’ll be much more fun that way.”
(Akane face-faults.) And of course, not let Akane know about this. A
surprise is much more interesting than what Ryouga and I went through.
Kasumi: Well, does Ranma deserve to have Akane? I mean Ranma has a lot of
quirky things about himself.
Akari: Why yes! (Really gets passionate, like Ryouga.) I know he does!
Ranma understands women far better than he lets on with Akane. It’s almost
like he knows what’s it’s like! Akane would like him because he’s as pure
as she is in intent, vision, determination, and skill. But, poor Akane, her
disliking of boys is so kawaiikune and so narcassitic.
Kasumi: That explains why he doesn’t fight back when she hits him. He’s too
much of a gentleman to do such a thing. If she only knew how much Ranma
loves her. (She starts to weep. Akane is so embarrassed, she starts to weep
like, well Soun Tendou.)
Akari (realization look): You know, Kasumi, you’re right! It makes
perfectly good sense! He obviously was trained very well in the arts of
being a gentleman, if he only knew the arts of social society as well.
(They giggle, Akane now looks like she’s only a few inches high.) As as
matter of fact, Akane’s manners are as good as her cooking! (That makes
Akane almost disappear.) You know, if Ranma was actually a girl, why she’d
be Akane’s soul sister!  Akane’s main problem with Ranma is that she never
give him even the time of day to say anything nice!
(Akane now is back to her full size, but bawling, as if this was true. The
two girls quietly notice this and silently giggle. The view from the castle
is a full blown laughter as they see all of this. We then quickly see Ranma
in his cat-fighting mode, but being beaten by the Lions and Tigers. We also
see Shampoo-cat in there as well, purring at this sight.)
Kasumi: Akari-chan! Why that is almost unladylike, much as I would have to
agree with what you’ve assessed.
Akari: Like she’d would care one iota! That uncute tomboy wouldn’t know
what love was if it hit her like an anvil. (Unfortunately, just then an 16
ton anvil did hit Akane, throwing her off the rock.)
Kasumi: Wait a minute, who did that?!
(We see, from above, a very amused Ukyou doing that.)
Ukyou: That’s for all of the times you’ve hit me and Ranchan with mallets.
(Cut back to Akari & Kasumi.)
Akari: Besides, if I would say anything about it, she’ll say, “I hate
boys!” Then “Baka” and finally she’ll hit me very hard! So let Ranma die
not knowing how to tell her that he loves her! They both are so stupid
sometimes!
Kasumi: But still, I think you should tell Akane this.
Akari: No.  (Evin smile.) I have a better plan. I’ll go to Ranma, tell him
not to declare his love. Then I’ll say something about her that will really
embarrass Akane. I’ll say how much she loves to wrestle naked!!!
Kasumi: Akari, not that. Now you know that she takes great pride in her
Greco-Roman style of wrestling. Even though I didn’t mind doing that in the
buff either. (Akari and Akane look at Kasumi strangely. The rest of the
gang back at the castle has fallen over in pure shock.) Although I have to
admit that would be pure evil.
Akari: Nabiki has nothing on me in the scheming department! He he he!
Kasumi: Besides, it would embarrass such a rare gem as Ranma.
Akari: Only my little piggy, Ryouga tops him. (Back in the castle, we see a
glazed-eyed Ryouga whispering Akari’s name.)
Kasumi: Well, but Ranma is the one that deals with the most danger first,
you know. Why everyone in Italy knows about it.
Akari: Yes, that’s true. His reputation is almost spotless.
Kasumi: A reputation he earned by himself, too. Say, how about us see if we
can find our way back to the castle and getting ourselves ready for the
wedding, eh?
Akari: Yeah, that’s a good idea. (They move out of earshot, as Akane is
looking at herself in the reflection, crying. Tsubasa takes off his
disguise and pulls the cheeta disguise off of Akane.) Well, that was easy.
Kasumi: Man, have I never seen such a pathetic girl that ran into that one
like a deer seeing headlights.
Akari: Well, I think we’ve gotten ourselves two love birds through traps
rather than arrows, and the passion spice that I and Shampoo will finish
here will help seal this. Shall we?
Kasumi: Lets. (They exit.)
(Quite a while later, we see Ranma finally having shaken off his fear of
cats. He is even hugging Shampoo-neko, as she purrs in his arms. He smiles
at this feat. At the same time, Akane is alone in the jungle, the mighty
jungle, the lion sleeps tonight (hey! hey! hey!). A woo...ackk!  [The sound
you are hearing is the cast and crew beating the author senseless for
trying to be silly.] She is still looking at herself, a very frazzled
looking Akane.)
Akane: Well, I guess now’s the time for me. (She screams this while hitting
herself with a mallet — who would’ve guessed? Okay, everyone put their
hands down, NOW.) You BAKA! (*Wam!*Wam!*Wam!*) I don’t believe that I did
all of that while Ranma loved me.  (*Wam!*Wam!*Wam!*) And, I guess how he
reacted to me when I called him to dinner justified what Akari said.  I
still needed to get the servants to help set out the dinner plates for that
25 course meal.  (*Wam!*Wam!*Wam!*)I have seen myself doing the things that
I blame him for. And  (starting to weep) he’s right. I am an uncute tomboy.
(*Wam!*Wam!*Wam!*) But he still loves me. And I guess I love him as well.
(Suddenly wipes away her tears and stands up realizing what she must do.) I
must tell him in person, unless even under the point of death. I will
respond to your love and we’ll make beautiful music, moo moo! (She starts
kissing her arm like Pepe Le Pew.) And more importantly, I believe you love
me, Ranma. (She has this big-pupil eyed look in her eyes. Then she wanders
off.) I think I’m in love...
Act III, Scene 2
(It’s another one of happin’ feasts, a couple of days later. We enter a
great long hallway where we see Herb, Ryouga and Soun are lavishly dressed,
but not as much as Ranma, who’s in a tuxedo with the gold and gem trim.
Ranma’s hair is not in the usual pig-tail fashion, but it’s all hanging down.)
Herb:...as I was saying to Soun, Ryouga, I’m going to leave you alone here
with Akari after the wedding.
Ryouga: And you’re leaving me here?
Herb: Yes, for only poor Ranma will go on. That poor fool, not a care in
the world, except cats, water, and a mallet. (Everyone laughs at that
except Ranma.)
Ranma (looking very nicely at his tuxedo. We also see as the camera angle
turns that Ranma is not wearing his usual ponytail, but has let it loose
this time.): That’s what you think. I haven’t been myself lately.
Soun: Yeah, you’ve been such a sad sack lately.
Ryouga: Ranma, do I detect that Cupid has locked on with the full force of
the Death Star and you have been hit? (Soun & Herb are rolling on the floor
in laughter.)
Herb: Please, Ryouga, his face says it all! He’s in love, I tell ya, he’s
in love.
Ranma: Well, not really...
Herb: Not really! That’s like only saying you were half a man!
Ranma (mad at him): Well, that’s not what I mean!
Ryouga: So, you are admitting that you are in love!
Herb: It is just as so. (Ranma sighs, heavily.) Well, your heart and mind
do deceive thee, young Ranma Saotome. Did I just rip Return of the Jedi?
Soun: I don’t think so. 
Ranma: Hey, you know I do feel some sadness and sorrow.
Ryouga: Over how to tell someone that you love her.
Ranma: Hey! That’s not fair!
Herb: You know, Ryouga’s right. I can see it now. Tonight, it’ll be
serenading in front of her window. Then tomorrow, it’ll be cooking her a
nice dinner for just the two of you. Or perhaps, writing a love poem to
her. Or even a love letter, one that’ll be printed in Hustler magazine!
(Herb has really become animated by now, which is scaring Ryouga and Ranma.)
Ryouga (to the audience): And this is our leader?
Herb: Ranma! You’ve gotten rid of your pig-tail! You look more like Mousse
now! 
Ryouga: You know, if it was a little bit short, like here (Ryouga draws a
sword and trims, in a single huge thrust of his sword, the hair so that
it’s to his ears) you’d look a lot more kawaii.
Ranma (screams): Nani?! But I’ve always had long hair!
Soun: Not anymore! (The three of them are laughing.)
Ryouga: In fact, this makes you look even younger than what you already are.
Herb: Hey, and lots of cologne!
Ryouga: I’m convinced that he’s in love!
Herb: See how somber he his? So, who’s the lucky or unlucky girl!
Ryouga: Look, I’ve never seen Ranma’s face so clean!
Ranma: I-I-I can’t say until I’ve determined for sure.
Ryouga (in a mock realization): Then, oh no! Not her!
Herb: Who, who?! (Ryouga whispers an ‘answer’) Dear god! Then she’ll most
certainly die!
Ryouga: Right after burying you, Ranma.
Ranma: When I tell her what you’ve said, I’ll make sure that she’ll kill
you, both! Soun, my honored friend, I need to speak to you privately about
my love. Unlike these bakas...well you’ll understand. (He and Soun leaves.)
Herb: Boy is he gonna to be in for a shock.
Ryouga: He and Akane alike. It’s gonna be a very interesting night without
any damage to the castle. It’ll be almost normal. (Kuno appears.)
Kuno: My brother! I have discovered something most dreadful!
Herb (to Ryouga): You spoke too soon.  (to Kuno) What is it, now?
Kuno: Would you come here with me? It is about Akari.
Herb: What’s the matter?
Kuno: Seeing that Ryouga is to be married, ah, er, wait a second...
Herb (sighing): He’s going to be married tomorrow. Where have you been?
Kuno: Er...
Ryouga: Okay, spit it out. What did she do?
Kuno: I only do this as an assistance to you at the wedding...
Herb: Kuno, spit it out!
Kuno: (Come here... They see Kasumi being f---- by Dr. Tofu, anally (yes, I
did say this was a lemon fic.) She screaming, “Oh my! oh my! oh my!”) See,
there’s Akari with Dr. Tofu eating a pork tenderloin.
Ryouga: That’s her? Well...
Herb: I believe Kuno’s right for once...
Ryouga: Well, disloyal to me is nothing...
Kuno: Rightly so, for she has done the most blackest and foulest thing that
any woman may do before her wedding.
Ryouga: Hummm...
Herb: So, what do we do?
Kuno: I think you should condemn her in public...for adultery.
Ryouga: Well, I don’t mind that at all...
Kuno & Herb: What?!
Ryouga: It’s the fact that she eats pork that I can’t stand! Who knows when
she’ll one day decide to eat me in my P-Chan form! I’ll humilate her for
eating of pork! I-I-I’ll say that I’m Jewish, after all! That’s it!
Herb: Okay, Ryouga but... (Ryouga looks at Herb really mad...)Okay, I’ll
help you out, but just this once. I think you’re just a little mad. I’ll go
after her on the loving to Dr. Tofu while you get her with the pork issue.
Kuno: Er, I think I’ll leave now. (Dr. Tofu and Kasumi have now passed out
on the balcony.)
Ryouga: Can I be alone while I weep my sorrows!
Kuno: Sure.
Herb: I’ll be in the next room...
Act III, Scene 3
We see Happousai and Kodachi running around the castle. Happousai has
Kodachi’s underwear and bra. Then they go to the group that will be on the
watch tonight: Tsubasa, Ukyou, and Gosinkurgi. They stand at attention as
they see Happousai and Kodachi.
Happousai: So, here we are, at the watch! Are you ready to rumble!
Tsubasa, Ukyou & Gosinkurgi: Yes!
Kodachi: And if you don’t I’ll feed you to Mr. Turtle!
Happousai: Nah, a bit of Jusenkyou’s water’s will teach them a lesson!
Anyway, they are chosen for the Prince’s watch and to be caddies for the up
coming PGA tour. The best watcher will become the caddie for Tiger Woods.
Kodachi (mimicking a little girl): I am Tiger Woods!
Happousai: So, you are you. Er, I mean who are you?
Tsubasa: Tsubasa Kurenai!
Gosinkurgi: Hikaru Gosunkgi!
Ukyou: Ukyou Kuonji!
Happousai: Excellent that you can both read, write and handle Differential
Equations!  Anyway, here’s your charge: You are all idiots! That’s the charge!
Kodachi: Or, 2,000 volts. (She shakes Happousai’s hands, he appears for a
moment in an x-ray like form.)
Happousai: Oh, my! Anyway, You are to bid any man to stand, in the prince’s
name.
Ukyou: And what if he’s in a wheelchair?
Gosinkurgi: Or will not stand?
Happousai: Well, I don’t know, I suppose...
Kodachi (after slapping Happousai around for a few rounds): Well, if they
aren’t carrying any ID cards or will not stand, then they are not of the
prince’s subjects, Act 14, section 4, paragraph 4.
Happousai: This play lasts that long?!
Kodachi: Why you baka! (She whips him really good.)
Happousai: Well, anyway, just be quiet. You know how much this area hate’s
noise beyond 11 o’clock!
Tsubasa: Good, I could use a nap! (He pulls out a pillow.)
Happousai: Well, very well done, young lady! Just make sure that your
underwear isn’t stolen! Speaking of which if they are drunk, call a cab and
bill the call in his name.
Ukyou: And if they won’t?
Happousai: Kill them. No one will know anyway. And then take his underwear.
Gosinkurgi: Okay...
Happousai: If you meet a thief, then you must shouldn’t interfere.
Tsubasa: Er, if we know him to be a thief, doesn’t that mean that we should
arrest him??
Happousai: Yes, that...on the other hand, it would be better to kill him,
and then take away his underwear.
Kodachi: Well, said, my dear Happousai. You have always been a merciful man.
Happousai: Hey, honest men aren’t exactly honest.
Kodachi:  If you hear a child cryin the night, better call the nurse to
make it still.
Ukyou: Are you crazy? The nurse surely must be asleep!
Happousai: Well, take her underwear and then she’ll wake up! Besides, how
else could a baby not wake anyone? And don’t call me shirley! (Everyone
face-faults.)
Kodachi:  (that patent Kodachi™ laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Everyone in the
play looks at her strangely.) Hey, it’s my laugh!
Ukyou: But in a lower voice? (Kodachi puts her hand on her mouth as if to
say, “Oops!”)
Happousai: Okay, that’s the charge...
Everyone else (shouting): ...3000 volts. (Lightning hits Happousai)
Kodachi: Ah, a running gag, I love it!
Happousai (not looking very well): Well, Kodachi, let’s be off... (they leave)
Ukyou: Okay, guys, let’s do this our way until 2 a.m. How about watching a
Bulls/ Knicks game afterward sound? (They shake their heads yes. Then
Happousai & Kodachi return. They stand at attention again.)
Happousai (even more beaten up): Oh, I forgot...watch Soun’s door.
Tomorrow’s the big wedding and well, there’s a party goin’ on right now. So
bring your good times, and your parties too, we’re gonna celebrate and have
a good time!
Kodachi: Come on! Yahoo! (they mercifully leave for the last time in this
scene.)
Gosinkguri: Remind me to ask for a transfer once this shift is over...
(Shampoo & Dr. Tofu enter, Shampoo’s bicycle landing on Gosinkguri’s face.)
Dr. Tofu: I did! I did!
Ukyou: Well, well, well, here’s the bad guys! Right on schedule!
Tsubasa: Fortunately, I’m disguised as a boom-box stereo tonight.
Ukyou: Perfect. (Kisses Tsubasa passionately on the mouth and pops a
cassette into the stereo.) How about a little one-on-one after the NBA
game, hummm? (Tsubasa eye’s look like a slot machine reading “Jackpot!”)
Gosinkguri (reading the script): I knew I shouldn’t have put that
out-of-character curse on the author...
Shampoo: Nihao! What’s did Doctor do wrong?
Dr. Tofu: Well, since I’m intoxicated with love, I’ll tell you! I f---ed
Kasumi tonight! And I got payed a million yen for it!
Shampoo: Oh, tell me the deed!
Dr. Tofu: Well (hic) I donnano if such a knowledge requires a payment.
Shampoo: Okay, what did you do?
Dr. Tofu: Well, I dressed Kasumi up in nice women’s apparel.
Shampoo: Saks Fifth Avenue or K-mart?
Dr. Tofu: Nay! Anything she wears becomes fashionable.
Tsubasa: Say, isn’t that Dr. Tofu?
Ukyou: Yeah, and Shampoo follows. Great.
Gosinkguri: Well, this truth-telling spell will surely tell alot. (He makes
lots of gestures.)
Dr. Tofu: Don’t I look great!
Shampoo: You’ve still got white stuff in your hair, and you smell like
fish! What did you do?
Dr. Tofu: Well, like I said, I f---ed Kasumi tonight, and helped put
Ryouga, Prince Herb, and our master Kuno there saw this great debauchery!
Shampoo: Well, not bad vocabulary for being drunker than Boris Yeltsin. I
assume that Kuno knew about this.
Dr. Tofu: Of course, now the wedding and everything else is ruined! By
morning noone will be alive!  (Laughs like Kodachi)Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Tsubasa (in policeman’s uniform): Stop! You’re under arrest!
Shampoo: What did we do?
Ukyou (also in a stunningly good looking police-uniform, kinda like in
“You’re Under Arrest!” anime show.): Well, first for using a patented laugh
without consent.
Kodachi (popping in): Actually, I never did get that laugh patented! (pops
out after everyone has face-faulted.)
Gosunkguri: Second for Treason, breaking up a marriage by false rumor is a
Class A felony. And thirdly for being bad guys.
Shampoo: But Shampoo only involved with threatening to kill Akari & Ryouga.
Ukyou: Okay, Tsubasa, add insulting an officer.
Shampoo: Why, you! (Ukyou and Shampoo fight): 1,000 Bonbori Attack!
Ukyou: Super Spatula Charge!
Ukyou’s Spatula glows and fires a beam of light at Shampoo. She falls
immediately.
Tsubasa: And add assult to an officer as well, Gosinkurgi.
Dr. Tofu: Okay, she’s unconscious. We’ll go quietly. (Everyone leaves.)
Act III, Scene 4
(We are in Akari’s own wing of the castle (if you think this castle’s big,
you’re getting warm). We see her, Kasumi and Nodika talking.)
Akari: Nodika, wake up Akane.
(Nodika goes to the next room and pounds her with a huge mallet.)
Nodika: She has been pounded to get up, madam.
Akari: Then when she wakes up, tell her to come here.
Kasumi: Oh my, pig earrings? Why not these Gucci $50,000 earrings you won
on “Wheel of Fortune!”?
Akari: I’ve got a theme going here, to show my piggy wiggy that I love him.
That’s all.
Kasumi: Akane will be petrified. Besides, I think those earrings are stupid.
Akari: Talking from someone that had a pearl necklace, if you know what I
mean. (Kasumi looks surprised at her.) Kasumi, I know you know what I mean.
You were really, er, messy at the party last night.
Kasumi: Oh my! Well, it’s not the best of Paris, but it’s still okay.
Akari: Hey, it’s all good. Besides I’m nervous.
Kasumi: About marrying a man that probably won’t be able to find the
wedding hall today?  (She starts sing the song “B----”.)
Akari: What did you do last night anyway? You’re as baldy as a whore.
Kasumi: If only you knew. Besides, Dr. Tofu was the most uninhibited last
night. We did things that weren’t made to be shown for cable television,
but I’ll tell you anyway...oh, here’s Akane.
Akari (muttering): And not a moment too soon. (to Akane) Hello, cousin!
Akane (looking rather pale): Morning, Mrs. Hikibi.
Akari (looking shock): What’s wrong with you. Was Nodika’s pounding a
little too much today?
Akane: No, no it’s something else altogether. Something that I haven’t felt
in a long time.
Kasumi: Oh, my! Could it be that my little Akane has fallen in love?
Akane: Are you suppose to be ready? It’s almost 5 pm! Never mind me, I’m a
little ill.
Kasumi: For an uncute tomboy pervert, make that hentai baka boy?
Akane (blushing): And what does that mean?
Kasumi: I don’t know. It sounds nice. (Akane face-faults, Akari is giggling
at this exchange.)
Akane: Gees, what do you mean by that?
Kasumi: Everyone has their perfect mate, you know.(slyly) Even you.
Akari: Doesn’t this perfume smells lovely, Akane?
Akane: Well, since I used quite a bit of it, I can’t smell anything else.
Kasumi: I’m maid and stuffed! Has Cupid’s cold caught you?
Akane: Kasumi, like, what is totally wrong with you?
Kasumi: You. You aren’t the same girl I knew a day ago. Was there something
that you heard that bothered you a bit?
Akane: Here I am sick...
Kasumi: ...with love, eh? Get thee some pig-tailed bay leaves and burn them
in your room.
Akari: Oh, dear. Now you’ve done it.
Akane: Ranma! Ranma! That does it! I’ve got to go!
Kasumi: You know, Ranma has also changed. I’ve seen him do some very
strange things, like laughing and smiling. And some other things that
aren’t quite so odd, but still is something he does do regularly.
Akane (wide-eyed): Oh, my god!
Nodika (enters, sounds like the girl from Poltergist): They’re here!
Akari: Ack! And I’m not dressed!
Act III, Scene 5
(We see Soun, Happousai and Kodachi in a private room. The conversation is
very brief.)
Soun: So, what happened last night.
Happousai: We’ve detained Shampoo and Dr. Tofu for questioning and having a
BAC over the legal limit of .5.
Soun: But, that would mean that they were almost dead.
Happousai: Exactly.
Kodachi: Plus they had been involved with your servant Kasumi.
Soun: Really? Over what?
Happousai: Over a potential scandal to ruin the marriage of Ryouga Hibiki
and Akari. I do not think they are being very much liers today.
Kodachi: One of the watchmen placed a truth-spell on them. They can’t even
lie down on the ground.
Happousai: Really, I hadn’t noticed.
Soun: Interesting, but very stupid.
Happousai: We were wondering whether or not you would like to examen them
or not? We would also like to speak with Kuno about them, since they claim
that they are his servants.
Soun: Make it so, but not now, as Kuno is at the marriage chapel on the
other side of this castle. Which is about to begin now! (He rushes up and
leaves. Then Messenger 2 enters.)
Messenger 2: Ah, have either of you seen Tendou Soun?
Happousai: He went thataway! (Points in the opposite direction as Soun has
left in. Messenger 2 leaves.) I always wanted to do that.
Kodachi: May I torchure them?
Happousai: After you go and bring the inkwell and pen to the jail. We’ll
get these men’s statements on record and have them sign them.
 Act 4, Scene 1
(We see just about everyone at Nabiki’s Chapel & Gaming Casino. We focus on
one board with the following numbers: “Kasumi & Dr. Tofu: 5-1. Akari &
Ryouga: 3-1. Akane & Ranma: 10,000-1. The author to not break another taboo
in this play: 100,000- 1 or forget it, which ever comes first.” We then see
Nabiki in a gown only reserved for the Pope. Or something like that.
Remember, this is a parody, folks.)
Soun: Come on, Nabiki, let’s get on with this!
Nabiki: And have to close the Ryouga/Akari line? No way! Alright: Ryouga,
do you wanna to marry Akari.
Ryouga: No.
Everyone else: What?!?!
Soun: Ryouga, what makes you wanta change your mind!
Nabiki: Come on, let’s spit it out!
Ryouga: Do you like to eat bacon?
Akari: Why, yes. But that shouldn’t...
Nabiki: Oh, boy. Ruining a marriage because of this!
Soun: Ryouga, this is a mere small problem. It can be managed, right? (He
laughs softly.)
Ryouga: You’ve never been a pig! Why you haven’t even considered what I
have been through! Why I have been bitten so many times...
Ranma: Hey! That makes sense! You were the one that spiked the punch at
that costume party!
Ryouga (whispering to Nabiki): Nabiki, I’ll wager that Ranma will go nuts
with Akane in three days. (Hands her lots of moola. Nabiki winks back at
him.) Soun, you old fool, you want to get rid of your daugther so easily?
Soun: Well, yeah...but...
Ryouga: And why have you, Nabiki all these camera everywhere! And this
witch! She eats pig materials! Bacon, Ham! Oh, the foul girl! A pox on all
of you!
Herb: Not to mention that she was seen, by us having sex with another man
before the wedding!
Everyone else: What?!
Ryouga: Oh, I don’t mind that, but it does say alot about a person that
eats the other white meat. So, I don’t want her!
Soun: No!!!!!!! Is this true!
Ryouga: As true, as we saw it. No, I feel that loving other people is
wrong, and immoral. There. That’s it.
Akari: I didn’t do that!
Ryouga: Oh, come on! Here are the pictures and the videotape!
Akari: That doesn’t even look like me! How could you tell?
Soun: Oh, dear! My life is ruined! (He starts to cry, however, Herb knocks
him unconscious.)
Herb (quietly.): I saw it with him. My brother reported to him, and I do
trust his eyes. You, my fair wench, do not understand what a glass heart
Ryouga has. I have been dishonored as well as Ryouga.
Soun (getting up): Kuno, is this true?
Kuno: I stake my honor and reputation on it.
Ranma: There’s something about this I don’t like...
Akari: NO! I wasn’t near anyone, nor was I eating a BLT at the time! What
am I, OJ Simpson?
Herb: Sorry, old chap, but this is the way it should be for such an uncoth
of a lady. She’s even lower than Akane.
Akane: Take that back! I resent that remark!
Kuno: And I as for one, do not like the way things are.
Ryouga: And I will never marry you, you go ahead, enjoy your pigs for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Soun: You are ruining my life! What can be worse!
(Akari then smacks Ryouga. He gets really, really, really mad. He glows
extremely bright and we see from a far away a flash of energy that
surrounds the castle. There’s a sound of a huge explosion. The camera
returns to the wedding scene. There, we see everyone lying injured or dead.
Ryouga feels Akari’s pulse, and there is none. He runs away screaming. Then
Kuno appears again through a teleportation device. He smiles wickedly,
knowing that the plan has worked. He drags his unconscious brother away. A
long time approaches, it is nearly night. Ranma is slowly getting up. He
crawls over to Akane and holds her, crying.)
Akane (mumbling): Cousin! Cousin!
(We see Kuno fleeing away.)
Kuno: The light has shined and I will be king! (He give the Kodachi laugh.
Since no one is awake, no one looks at him.) Good bye, dear brother!
(We’re back at the ruins of Soun’s great castle. Ranma and Akane are
embracing each other in a tender embrace, either that, or they can’t move
their arms since Akane pined Ranma’s shoulders.)
Ranma: Oh, Akane, I was so worried! How’s your cousin?
Akane: Let’s see. (She feels Akari’s pulse) She’s dead! Dead! Help! Help!
Nabiki!
Soun (awaking): Oh, my back! (Sees that there’s nothing left of his castle)
Noooooooooooo! My castle! My daugther’s dead!
Akane: Akari! Akari! (She tugs on the dead girl, but she is dead. I told
you I’d modified a few things.)
Nabiki: And I have to fix this. Besides, Ryouga will pay for the damages!
Okay. I think I can either clone Akari from the remains or bring the spirit
back into her. But, she is dead. Really. (Sees Ranma conforting Akane.)
Dear, cousin, she’ll be fine as she realizes in heaven how unjustly her
fate was.
Soun: And how am I going to make a living, all my money, livelihood, and
such ruined!
Nabiki: Listen, I have a plan!
Soun (demonic tone to the dead body): This pig thing has gone too far! You
are such bad girl! I wish you would die, and yet you are dead! Why did I
even have a child, to see it dead before her own wedding! Oh, the shame!
Well, what’s everyone looking at me for? You, my dear cousin, you think
you’re mad at Ranma, let me show you mad! Is this what you want your life
to become! And you Nabiki! You worship the power of money, not god! You are
such a hypocrite! And you, Ranma! You are such a fool! You let yourself be
beaten by such a girl when you’ve attacked dragons, gods, devils,
everything! You can’t even admit in loving a girl! And you Akane, you are
the worst cook in the history of cooking! You are too agressive for anyone
to marry you, even Ranma!  And now my only daughter is dead from a broken
heart, a really bad temper from her husband to be and everyone is blamed!
You all oughta to be ashamed! (Messenger 3 comes in and whispered something
in his ear.) And the Prince is dead! Kuno will become king, if we can find
him.
(There is silence for half an hour. Of course, we only show the last minute
of the silence.)
Ranma: Soun, you oughta be more patient. First, let us help rebuild your
castle. I will give my fortune and wealth that is in all of those Swiss
Banks accounts to help rebuild the casino castle to its proper status. Then
we’ll go after to regain Akari’s proper status.
Akane: Why, Ranma, that’s the most intellegent thing you’ve said in this
play. And I agree with Ranma. Akari’s honor is what ruined here.
Nabiki (looking at Ranma in shock): You have a Swiss Bank account?
Ranma: Hey, every rich royality member oughta have a Swiss Bank account.
Soun: So, what do we do? I can believe Ryouga and Herb. Kuno seems the kind
of person that would never force them to lie.
Nabiki: Why, then, don’t we wait until we see if things happen such. If
they are correct, then her death is worthy. But, if they are falsely
accused, then I will raise her from the dead. Figuritively speaking.
Soun: Nabiki, why should we help the dead? She is in hell and well thought of.
Nabiki: So, what has they accused her of?
Soun: Well, of eating pork and having sex with another man. 
Akane: And she did none of this! Since she’s dead, I’ll have to speak for
her in her behalf. She didn’t do anything. I’m sure that she was not here.
Besides, the only person that had any sort of love affair was her servant
Kasumi! If you can prove that she was there, then I’ll join her in hell!
Nabiki: Hmm. Herb usually doesn’t do these kinds of accusations.
Ranma: You know, that gives me a thought. Perhaps Kuno lead them to think
so. Now, I believe that perhaps someone was in love with Kasumi, and being
that Kasumi and Akari looks somewhat similar from a distance, perhaps Kuno
convinced them that it was Akari Or...
Soun: Or, he set up the whole thing. Besides, I recall an episode with my
idiotic friend Happousai, but I can’t remember the conversation. But,
regardless of this, if they are truthful, then her death is justified. If
they are liers, then I’ll kill them with my bare hands! I am not old enough
to defeat them in combat! If there was a way.
Nabiki (suddenly has this wily smile): Of course. She is dead. So, we will
force them to do the ritual burial thing that people will usually do.
Continue your mourning for many losses. Perhaps his mistake will make him
repent his error. And then he’ll be really depressed. And then let fate
take her course. Perhaps he’ll even wish he wasn’t so accusive.
Soun: Perhaps this will work.
Nabiki: Of course it will. Have I let you down before? I was going to
suggest that to the couple that they spend time working on their
aggression, particularly Ryouga. This will force him to do that. Just
becareful, he might kill himself.
Ranma (scowling): Right. Even though I have earned the respect of the
Prince and Ryouga, I can not trust Kuno nor them. But, for you, your
daughter, and Akane’s sake, I will deal in this as secretly as and justly
as you are. Pray that your soul will find the conforts within to deal with
this tragedy.
Nabiki: Well, dearly departed girl, thou wedding has been postponed, but
I’ll will find a way to cure you of your death. Come, everyone, let us make
plans.
(It is now nighttime. Akane is bawling, and moaning over the dead girl’s
body as it lies in state. Ranma comes in as Ranko.  She approaches Akane,
and touches her shoulder. Ranma-chan’s eyes weld up with tears.)
Ranma-chan: Lady Akane, you’ve been crying for more than a half a day.
Akane: Oh, it’s just you! Why, yes, my dear girl. And I’ll cry for the rest
of the night. Oh, how hath my life been changed.
Ranma-chan: So has mine. (Akane looks up as Ranma-chan pours hot water over
herself. Instant boy. Akane, needless to say, is surprised.) Yes, I’m the
girl you kissed at the costume party. My dear Akane, I do desire you. And I
have wept.
Akane: But, men don’t cry. I do it because I has lost a family member in
the worst way possible.
Ranma: Then you haven’t been to war. It is far worse than you’d even want
to imagine. I agree that Kuno is behind this. I noticed that he wasn’t
among the injured. He somehow was able to survive the chi-blast. I saw him
appear out of nowhere after the blast had made its toll. 
Akane: Would you be the man to help me do so!
Ranma: And so would I. I would do anything for you, dear Akane. You don’t
know how long have I loved you.
Akane: And so have I. 
Ranma (slight laugh): Isn’t this strange? We have fought and battled each
other for so long that I had always expect to upset you like the sunrising.
Akane (blushing): Do you want to know the truth? (Ranma nods) I have always
loved you. Think of our fights as a little boy and girl teasing on the
playground. If I could I would have always said that I hated you, but, yet
I do confess my love to you. I wish I had the peace and love that my cousin
had! (She weeps again.)
(Ranma gets down on one knee. He holds out a ring.)
Ranma: By my sword and my skills as an martial expert, I love you. Would
you marry me?
Akane (sees the ring): Oh, Ranma! At this time? Will you swear anything at
this time of need for my sister!
Ranma: I will do anything that you need to prove my love to you!
(Wide-eyed) God, I’m sounding like Mousse!
Akane (brightens): Anything?
Ranma: Whatever you ask. Just say the word, and I’ll go.
Akane: Then forgive me!
Ranma: What for, sweet Akane?
Akane: For ripping out my masks in front of you. I love you. (They kiss.)
Ranma: Thus, what do you want me to do?
Akane: I love you with all my heart and spirit. I can not resist myself
anymore.
Ranma: Neither can I. Now, can I do anything for you, my sweet kawaii girl?
Akane: Kill Ryouga. (Ranma looks at her with a sense of agreement.) He has
killed this girl. He has killed my cousin! I would, but you know him better
than I do.
Ranma: I will. But, I must protest that you are in a rage.
Akane: Do you love me?
Ranma: Yes, I do, dear Akane!
Akane: Then let’s get rid of him. He has killed your friend the Prince! If
I were a man, I could rightfully challenge him to a duel to the death.
Ranma: That could be arranged. Easily. Or perhaps we can find the piggy and
kill him that way.
Akane: She has been wronged and, and died for! I do not want to be a man,
thus I will womanly weep myself ‘til death.
Ranma: Do you find Ryouga to be your enemy?
Akane: Yes.
Ranma: And Kuno?
Akane: Especially him.
Ranma: Very well. An enemy of your is an enemy of mine. I will fight him to
the death.  (gets just as angry as Akane is) He shall die! He shall pay for
this, on my honor and my love! Come, let us prepare for battle. But first a
kiss. (They kiss.)
Act 4 Scene 2
(It is a week later. Somehow, Happousai, Ukyou, Tsubasa, Gosinkugi,
Kodachi, Dr. Tofu, and Shampoo have survived the blast. They are in a jail
near the construction site where a new castle will be erected. We also see
Ranma-chan in this, as the sexton.)
Happousai: Here, ye, hear ye! The Happousai court is in session. Ranko, our
presiding honourable judge.  (Ranma-chan comes in, her hair in a wig-like
style. Tsubasa and Gosinkugi are whistling at her. Ukyou is singing the
“Here Comes the Judge” song.) Enough of that. Have we all reassembled?
Kodachi: Does the gravel work? (Ranma-chan mallets Happousai very hard.)
Perfect.
Ranma-chan: Okay, who are the malefactors?
Happousai (with the stars spinning around his head look): Ur, that would be
us, your honor!
Kodachi: And I’m the Procescuting Attorney. We have an examination to go to
exhibit. I mean we have an exhibition to examine. Whatever. I was never
good at this lawyer stuff. (Ranma-chan face-faults.)
Ranma-chan: Okay, so who are the accused? Let them come up in front of me.
(she laughs the Kodachi laugh. Everyone in the play looks at her
strangely.) Hey, it’s my turn.
Kodachi (growling): I’m not saying a thing.
Happousai: So, what’s you’re name, Chinese girl?
Shampoo: Xian Pu, or if you like Shampoo.
Happousai: That’s Shampoo. And yours?
Dr. Tofu: I am a Doctor, a gentleman, and it’s Tofu.
Happousai: Oh, that Doctor gentleman Tofu! Write that down. Okay, do you
serve God?
Dr. Tofu: I object, it violates our right between the separation between
Church and State.
Ranma-chan: You’re not in the United States. And besides, there isn’t a
church left in this county. Overruled.
Shampoo: I suppose we do serve God, but since we’ve never seen him...
Kodachi: Very well! Write that down the God part first, since God doesn’t
defend anyone but himself! Anyway, Doctor, I think you’re liers. How do you
answer yourself that you are nothing but a common thief?!
Dr. Tofu: We are innocent! I tell you innocent!
Happousai: And you, are you innocent!
Shampoo: I say yes! Yes! Yes!
Happousai (glomping on her breast): And are you happy to see me?
(Ranma-chan throws Happousai out the jail.) 
Ranma-chan: Sorry about that. Call the watch!
Kodachi: Very well! Call the watch! (They appear.) Okay, Tsubasa, what did
you hear on the night of the pre-wedding feast?
Tsubasa (points to Shampoo): She said that Kuno was a villain!
Shampoo: I object! (Ranma-chan pours cold water on the girl. Instant Cat.)
Happousai (coming in): Listen girl, keep quiet or else, we’ll use your gut
in a violin!
Ranma-chan (very amused and interested by this scene): So, Ukyou, what did
you hear these honourable men say? (holds up tape recorder to her lips)
Memo to self: Make ruling that makes “honourable” spelled h-o-n-o-r-a-b-l-e.
Ukyou: Well, your honour, he also said he got a thousand yen for doing such
a thing. From Kuno. You know, causing Akari to be wrongfully accused.
Happousai: Worth of death, I tell you! Worth of it!
Kodachi: Yes, I agree.
Ranma-chan: Gosinkguri, I haven’t heard from you. Do you have anything to add?
Gosinkguri: Well, they also said that Ryouga was wanting to disgrace Akari
partly because her eating pork and Herb was going to disgrace her for her
so-called affair.
Happousai (he’s singing and dancing): Oh, will you never hear the end of this.
Ranma-chan: For once, Happousai, you are right.
Everyone else: Huh?!
Ranma-chan (as she signs the documents and folds the books away): For you
have stumbled onto the truth of the matter. Here we are in the new reign of
Prince Kuno when he has lied and stealed his way to the throne. Ryouga’s
anger has killed Akari. It all fits. (She looks sadly at herself. Then she
recovers.) Well (looks at the two prisioners with a very mean glare) you
two are going to Soun himself. Let him examine you two. I charge you with...
Everyone else but Happousai: 4,000 volts.  (Happousai is electrocuted.) 
Ranma-chan: I love a running gag! Let’s go.
Happousai (with smoke rising from himself): Well, dear neighbor, our work
is done.
Kodachi: I would hate to be in his hands tomorrow. Now to patent my laugh.
Dr. Tofu (does the Kodachi laugh): Oh, I’ll be appealing this to the
Supreme Court and to my master Kuno who will set me free!
Kodachi: And I’ll kill you for that laugh! Yes, write that down, sexton!
Dr. Tofu: You both are such kawaiikune tomboy hentaiis! And asses!
Happousai: Well, this is for calling me an ass (wacks Dr. Tofu) and for me
being a hentai (knocks him down, he continues to pommel the poor doctor)
and for me being a tomboy and for me being a kawaiikune!
Ranma-chan: Actually, I think that was for me and Kodachi, but thank’s
anyway, Happousai.  (Happousai looks at her with wanting eyes.) Okay, for
once, you’ve been a big help. You can put this bra on me .
Happousai: Yippee! (He glomps on her breast as all leave except the
prisioners, in their cells.)
 Act 5, Scene 1
(It is the next week. Due to the round-the-clock work, the new castle is
finished within a few weeks. We see everyone there at the ribbon cutting
ceremonies. Genma and Soun are on a private tour of the new casino.
Remember that everything Genma says is through signs. Because he’s a panda.)
Genma: It is very nice of you to make me the symbol of this casino. (Soun
is still crying. Genma hits Soun with a sign.) Snap out of it, man! You’ll
kill yourself this way!
Soun (cries): Oh, for all of the agonies that I have seen
through the vestibules and clouds I have seen her
shaming me for my sorrows and troubles.
There is nothing else I can do,
nothing else I can say,
nothing else I can think,
except wanting her back.
How else shall I come my sorrows except through Job?
Even through I don’t know a thing about him.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genma (holding a sign): Soun,  (slaps him hard with that sign) you are
acting like a child!
Soun: I will be myself in a moment. I hope that my denial of her wronging
will cease.
Genma (sign): Well, in my case I would not just deny, (flips signs over)
but get even on those that forced to do this!
Soun: Perhaps, that would be the correct thing. Say, isn’t that the man
formerly known as Prince Herb and Ryouga?
Genma: It is so. (flips signs) I see he as also allowed to live. (Prince
Herb enters minus his royal garbs. Soun pours hot water on Genma.)
Herb: Good morning, to both of you.
Ryouga: Good morning from me as well. We have some announcements.
Herb: As well as I, for I need your help.
Soun: As well as I. Well, let me begin by saying that my friend the tables
have turned, have they?
Genma: What he means is that he feels dishonored as well.
Ryouga: Who has dishonored him?
Soun: Don’t put up a fight, yet. I don’t fear you and can defeat you right
here, right now.
Ryouga: Ah! I can take you down! You aren’t much of a challenge!
Soun: You have killed my daughter. And I believe that she was wronged by
you. You were in a really bad situation, and from what I have heard, she
was framed. You have slandered her, and because of that, she is dead. By
your hand!
Ryouga: Me?
Soun: Who else?
Herb: How do you know?
Soun: I’ll show you. In fact, I’ll fight him to the death to prove it!
Ryouga: Go away, old man! You aren’t worth the effort! (They fight. Ryouga
loses badly.)
Soun: Ah! If you do kill me, it’ll be worth my effort! You’ve killed my
daughter, a child! You kill me you’ve killed her father, a man!
Genma: And then if you’re done with him, you’ll deal with me! (Ryouga &
Genma fight, Ryouga loses even worse than he did against Soun.) I’ll show
you what you’ve done through me! You killed my cousin! You dared to be a
man, and this is the result! Go and do more damage! You know that you can’t
do anything now that Prince Kuno runs this entire kingdom! Is it true?
Herb: He did capture my spirit and force me to sign a pact giving him all
control of the state before he would revive me. He would have punished my
soul if I did not. Therefore there is not a thing I could do. I am just a
zombie now. I can’t sleep at night. Besides, your daughter’s death was very
tragic, but just. On what honor I have left, I swear to you, that what I
saw is very true.
Soun: Fool!
Herb: I can not bear anymore.
Soun: Then I’ll take my case to the Supreme Court myself!
Genma: Let’s go. (They leave.)
Herb: Well, shall we find Saotome Ranma? (Ranma enters.) Well, here is the
man himself.
Ryouga: Ranma! I pray that your injuries have healed. We need your help.
Ranma (doesn’t pay attention to Ryouga): Hello. (Looks down for a moment.)
Herb: Soun and Genma are quite angry with us, not as much as I and what
Kuno did to me. Now, will – 
Ranma: Save your breath. Those two, if you would have defeated them, would
be nothing compared to Akane and me.
Ryouga: Well, I see that your wit and intellenge as suffered a bit, but
still workable. We’ll needed it to defeat Kuno.
Ranma: I see that you do not see how he has already defeated you once. But,
that will come in time.
Herb: What do you mean?
Ryouga: He must wear his wit on his side, dear Herb. Something is wrong
with him.
Herb: Ranma, by my honesty, (Ranma laughs at this) you are not the same
man. What’s wrong?
Ryouga: Why, I bet he’s found his courage. He did conqueror his fear of
cats, you know.
Ranma: Not as challenging as mastering your fear of bravery, I see. 
Ryouga: But I am as brave and valant as you are. Despite what happened to
me a few weeks ago.
Herb (to Ryouga): Ah, I wouldn’t tease him right now. He’s not in the mood.
He hasn’t been this angry since his mother was killed at that Battle of the
Vatican. By the Pope no less.
Ryouga: Aye. Ranma, I’m sorry. (Ranma’s disposition doesn’t change.)
W-w-what’s wrong.
Ranma: You really want to know?
Ryouga: Yes. What?
Ranma: You, Ryouga are my sworn enemy, as is for Tendou Akane. She and I
have sworn to fight you to the death, whenever you want, whereever you
want. We’d prefer at her grave sight. You have killed my friend’s cousin
wrongly, and we will not stand for it. Her death will spell the end of your
glass heart. (Ranma then slaps Ryouga a couple of times. Then he pounds him
with a mallet.) Goodbye, until we meet again, foe.
Herb: Wait! What about me? I need to get Kuno to return the title to me!
(Ranma just mauls Herb.)
Ryouga: Whoa. That was not exactly what I had in mind. I thought you were
bluffing, but I see you are not.
Herb: Well, I see that you do love Akane. I saw her and she complained
about you and then she concluded you were the most attractive man in all of
Italy.
Ryouga: And then she cried for you.
Herb: In fact, she said how Akari said that she had felt that she and you
would be the most perfect couple.
Ryouga: And remember when you said that your epitpath would read, “Here
lies Ranma Saotome, the married man?” Ha! Ha!
(Ranma takes the two men and throws them down with one of Ryouga’s drilling
moves. They are really hurt as they groan, “Ouch.”)
Ranma: You lie, because if she did meet you, you would have been dead by
now. You two are like two drunkards that do not know you are drunk. As for
you, I can not help you. You know that your brother has cheated you out of
your throne, and yet you do not know how. You have helped by killing
Akane’s dear sweet cousin. I can not continue on your quest, Herb. I have
other things to attend to. As for you, P-Chan, we will meet again, and this
time, you shall die. Through my hand and Akane’s. Until then, good-bye. I
hope you bump into either of us. (He leaves. The other two are stunned.)
Herb: Damn. He’s mad.
Ryouga: And he really loves her. He has really fallen in love with her. We
did it.
Herb: And he has challenged you to the death.
Ryouga: Most sincerely, which I’ll gladly do, to seal this Cupid’s knot.
Herb: And he didn’t have to use his wit. That’s amazing. (wide-eyes)
Perhaps he really loved her all of this time, but it took us to force him
into this.
Ryouga: He has really become a man better than me. I have really done
something wrong, then.
Herb: And that my brother fooled us twice. Perhaps. But it’s too late. He’s
the leader now, not me. (Happousai, Kodachi, Gosinkguri, Ukyou, Tsubasa,
Shampoo, & Dr. Tofu enter.)
Happousai: Ah! The Prince! Or former Prince! Or is that the man formerly
known as Prince? (Drum roll!)
Herb: Well, why have you captured the Prince’s two right-hand men?
Ryouga: Hush, hear what they have to say.
Herb: Well, I still need to know what did they do?
Kodachi: Well, (she rolls out a huge list) they’ve first lied to us, and
secondly  are slanders, lastly they have ruined a woman’s reputation and
life, and third, are lying knaves. And there’s another one, but is a
private matter.
Herb: Okay, I need a translation here.
Ryouga: Don’t ask me, except I would like to know which woman did they
slander against?
Herb: Yeah, and why did you do that?
Dr. Tofu: My dear former Prince, I am to blame. I have helped to deceive
you, through the Prince Kuno. I’m amazed they have discovered what you
could not see through your love and tangled mess you were in setting Ranma
straight. Perhaps I should be more blunt. Kuno paid me to f--- my dear
engaged girl, Kasumi. She was in the garments of Akari. She even ate a BLT.
That is what you saw. Herb, then when Ryouga killed Akari, you were dead.
Kuno had already made it so that you can not attain power ever again. Akari
is dead, I have helped Kuno committ treason, and I feel that I should be
punished for it. I’m sorry.
Herb: Noooooooooooo!
Ryouga: What a fool I am! I have helped taint of pure soul! She has made me
more wrong than what I could even see!  (He starts to cry.)
Herb: Now, you did say that Kuno did pay you to do this?
Dr. Tofu: Yes, and I did so.
Herb: This will cause the people to rise against him. That I can do. Then
his treachory will cling on him like velcro and will not let go like super
glue.
Ryouga: Akari! How much I wish that I could go with thee in heaven! You
loved me even more than I could ever muster! (He cries again.)
Happousai: Okay, we need to take you to be sentenced. Soun has some
interesting punishments fit for you!
Kodachi: Isn’t that Soun & Genma now? (They enter.) Ah! Just the men we
wanted to see!
Soun: Ah, good Happousai. (Everyone in the play falls over.) Yeah, yeah, I
know he did something right for once! Anyway, where is that foul villian!
Dr. Tofu: It is me. Spare poor Shampoo! She was not involved at all with
this. Just me. It was my idea.
Soun (with patent demonic head): You! You are the one that killed my daughter!
Dr. Tofu (hanging his head in shame): Yes, me alone.
Soun: Very well. Happousai, let Shampoo go. She is innocent except being in
bad company. Mousse has been worried about you. That is your punishment to
meet him. As for Dr. Tofu, bring him into the new and improved Jusenkyou
springs, and I’ll figure something out for him.  Death is too lenient for
him. You know, for you two I hope you fall in getting your crowns back,
Herb. What Prince Kuno did was well worthy of the crown. Perhaps it’ll list
very high on your conquests. If you could find it in your soul. Oh, I
forgot, Kuno took your soul too, oh ex-Prince.
Ryouga: Oh, please let us find a way to redeem our worth to you! I realize
that I can not ask for your patience, but I must ask. You may do whatever
you want with us. Anything, for Akari’s sake.
Herb: And I have been more the fool. I guess I shouldn’t go after Kuno
after the monkey job I did myself. I submit myself to you.
Soun: Well, I wish that my daughter could live, but not even Nabiki’s charm
and skill can bring her back. But I can ask you to tell all here in Messina
and all through Italy. Perhaps that can help. And more so, create and fit a
perfect epitaph upon her cold stone tomb. And sing that to her bones, her
very soul. Whenever you can, please do so, except do so by the end of the
week.
Genma: Then come to the castle the next morning after you have done so. He
can’t be your father-in-law, but how about uncle? I have another daughter,
besides Akane. She looks alot like Akari. You must marry her. Understood?
Ryouga: Capice. I submit to both of your gracious offers. I must leave.
Soun: Well, then I will expect you soon, if not tomorrow. Tonight there
will be no more parties, as there has been none since that wretched day.
This lenten season shall end soon. As for you, Dr. Tofu, I will go and sent
you to be with Kasumi. Was she involved with this whole cockamine scheme of
Kuno’s?
Dr. Tofu: No, she was not. She’s as clueless as Alicia Silverstone’s
Clueless character. She has always been a virtuous character, something
that I’m not anymore. (He weeps.)
Soun: I thought so. (Ranma-chan enters. No one notices her as she is
dressed in a very short haircut.)
Ranma-chan: And, she called me an uncute kawaiikune tomboy hentaii ass!
Happousai: And me too! Now, we wish to see to it that it is considered in
as apart of the punishment. Also, the folks (pointing to Ukyou, Gosinkguri,
& Tsubasa) here wish to wonder if that offer with Tiger Woods still stands?
Soun: It does, as well as an invitation for what appears to be a most
interesting wedding in the future.
Ukyou, Gosunkguri, & Tsubasa (pumping their arms in a Tiger Woods-like
fashion): Yes! (And there was much rejoicing.)
Happousai: You are as happy as a happy-go-lucky youth! May God save the
Federation, er foundation!
Soun: Here’s your check. Don’t worry, it’s loaded with bonuses. Get rid of
the prisioners for me!
Happousai: With pleasure, as there is a silly fool and a girl that needs a
better job. I humbly depart for my own exhibitions. Let’s go, dear
neighbor. (The two of them leave, Happousai happily glomped on Kodachi’s
breast.)
Soun (sighing at Happousai): He’s a great guardtask master, but is a plate
short of a complete traditional Japanese tea ceremony set. Well, Ryouga and
Herb, I bit you adieu unitl later.
Genma: Then I’ll expect you later this week, eh?
Herb: Yes, later.
Ryouga: Tonight, I will die with my Akari. Later, I will give her, her due.
(They leave.)
Soun (to Ukyou, Gosinkguri, & Tsubasa): Let’s go, and see what Kasumi knows
about Dr. Tofu. (They all leave.)
Act 5, Scene 2
(We are in Nabiki’s private garden. We see Ranma there pondering on a poem.
Then Kasumi enters. She kisses Ranma, which embarrasses him. A few feet
away we see “Spice Girls” setting up their stage, which looks like a spice
rack. Do you suppose they had too much thyme on their hands? Ouch! Ack!
[That sound is the Spice Girls beating up the author.] )
Ranma: Kasumi! Never mind, I could use your help. I can use your opinion to
see if this poem is worthy of fair Akane.
Kasumi: Ah ha! So it is true! You have fallen head over heels for her! (He
nods, with a gleam in his eye, the likes of which he hasn’t felt in years.)
Well, then write something for me later on. (She looks sad.) I’m going to
need it later on.
Ranma (smiling at her): Well, fair Kasumi, then I shall write something
that will cause men’s hearts to flame and desire you so that noone living
or dead shall forget it. Hey, you deserve it. You’ll get the man you want.
Kasumi (smiling): And Major League Baseball® will get a commissioner.
Ranma: Man, everyone keeps talking about Akane should be on a comedian
circuit, what about you, girl?
Kasumi: And you aren’t so bad yourself, funny boy. (She kisses him again on
the cheek.)
Shall I get Akane for you? I dare say that Cupid and Aphrodite are
celebrating like it’s 1999 with what they’ve caught in you two.
Ranma (smiling very brightly): Why yes. I’ll show how her how it’s done.
Kasumi: Yeah, you learned it from her. (Ranma winces.) As so have I.  (She
smiles as she leaves.)
Ranma: Boy, I think I know where Akane learned her wit from. Let’s see...
Oh Tendou Akane, Tender is thy name!
How great is your power as your fame
spreads wide like the mallet you gape 
nah... It’s very bad, almost like a really bad limerick.  Gee, I can’t
think around her! And rhyming doesn’t help. Lady, baby. Well, I certainly
am not a poet, so perhaps a song will work better – ack! (He looks up,
hiding his poem. It’s Akane. She look very pleasant in a snassy looking
outfit, just for Ranma. They smile.) Well, dear Akane, how are you?
Akane: Not as well as that poem you’ve tried to hide. Leave the poetry to me.
Ranma: Hai. (The Spice Girls, satisfied with the whooping they’ve given to
the author, goes back on stage and starts playing their hit song, “Two
Becomes One.”)
Akane: So, did you do what I asked. About Ryouga and us?
Ranma: Well, I only spoke, and fought.
Akane (smiles and holds his head in place): That’s not what I meant.
Ranma: Well, I did throw down the gauntlet, and it’s up to him to respond
or for us to hunt him down like a couple of crazed hounds. There, are you
satifisied?
Akane: I am.
(There is silence as they wander around, really checking to see if there
are any camera in the place. And finding none (this is Nabiki’s private
domain, you’d think she have camera here, do you??!!), they set down near a
creek and on a rock looking at their reflection.)
Ranma (holds Akane’s hands): Tell me, am I that much a pervert? (She shakes
her head no.) Then, what bad parts of me did you fall in love with me with?
Akane (giggles): All of them. I only said that you were a pervert since I
assumed all men are. But you aren’t. And the fact you have been a woman
through a curse shows that you understand and care for me and my kind. You
have been there. And now, tell me, am I really that uncute? Did you suffer
under my beatings?
Ranma: Isn’t that the truth. Especially the last few weeks. As for uncute,
only when you aren’t happy, which does seem to be never enough. (Akane is
somewhat suprised.)
Akane: Well, aren’t we the perfect couple? Anything you don’t like, I don’t
like.
Ranma: And that includes each other. We are too disagreeable to love in peace.
(Ranma looks at her in the eyes and they simulateously kiss passionately.
This takes quite a while, until the song is finished. Only nature is
looking at them, and it is with a pleasant tone. The sun shines through
them as a glow appears around them. Will Smith has just entered the garden,
rapping his tune from “Men In Black.”)
Akane (eyes glowing): Oh, kawaii! That was some kiss. My word, I have known
one wise man that out of 1,000 would praise himself and love.
Ranma: But, not true in today’s world. We have to praise ourselves, lest we
are considered passivist. If we don’t declare ourselves to the world, the
world will certainly not declare ourselves. 
Akane (giggles): And aren’t we just a curious pair? How long do you think
we’d last?
Ranma: As long as Kuno, our new King of Italy, is dumb. And for Herb, as
stupid as he has become. Why he’s no better than I. Well enough of that.
Did Nabiki restore your cousin?
Akane (she looks real sad): I do not know.
Ranma (softly, quietly): And you, do you feel restored?
Akane: I do not know either.  (They cuddle each other.)
Ranma: Well, regardless what happens, I love you and will always will. Oh,
no. Here comes Nodika! (They quickly separate. She enters, looks overjoyed.)
Nodika (smiling happily): Akane! Ranma! It has been proved beyond the
shadow of a doubt that Akari is innocent and Nabiki will restore her in
time for the wedding! Ryouga and Herb has been hoodwinked by Prince Kuno!
But, he’s launching an attack on the Pope and winning all of Italy! He’ll
attack us next! Come and let us prepare for our defense! (She leaves. The
couple holds hands again.)
Akane: That girl, always excited, especially when she wakes me up with a
mallet. (Ranma starts to laugh, but is stopped by Akane’s kiss.) Well, dear
pig-tailed goddess, will you come with me?
Ranma: You, cute, radiant, beautiful, elegant woman. I will be with you
forever, die with you, and more over have my hand firmly over yours as we
head down to your uncle’s! (They hold each other’s hand and skip down like
two young school kids.)
Act 5, Scene 3.
(The scene is black. We hear Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings, the vocal,
a capella version. Then small lights appear as hooded men come towards
Akari’s tomb, in a very long line. The trail of candles line up towards the
Soun’s family monument is highlighted by a new series of waterfalls that
depict the seven virtues, intelligence, and continents. From up above, we
see a hooded Ranma and Akane, holding each other’s hands. Nabiki is sitting
in a seat above them. They look up towards the priest as she kisses Ranma &
Akane, blessing them. Soun and Genma are sitting on the other side of the
semi-circle of tombs and monuments. They are also dressed in black, but
very sober, which is very easy for Genma, being a panda. Then in the middle
of the line, two people appear, dressed in white. Ryouga comes up and looks
at the tomb. Kasumi is also there.)
Ryouga (crying profusely): I-i-i-is this the monument of Tendou Soun? The
very tomb of Akari?
Kasumi: Yes, that is my mistress. (She weeps.)
Ryouga: Well, this is what I came up with. (He reads)
“Here lies a noble woman that stood
never flinching, never giving
regardless the lies, regardless the deceat.
She died because of her truth,
and because of that she lives.
Let my profession of my guilt, me oh Ryouga,
stops the shame that she felt,
the hate that she dealt,
and forevermore be praised throughout the world
as I lay this profession of my love and sorrow on her tomb. My god be with
her and me.
Mousse?
Mousse: Now, live from the private cemetery of Tendou Soun on the brand-new
rebuilt and better than ever Panda Castle & Casino, I present to you Mrs.
Celion Dion!
(The crowd politely claps. She sings her hit song, “It’s All Coming Back to
Me now” & “All Alone.” After she finishes, Herb comes up and places his
personal sword on the tomb, as the Barber song filters in again. He looks
deathly ill. He nods to Ryouga. He places his entire bandana collection on
the tomb. He steps back.)
Ryouga: I will do this every year, more privately next year, of course.
Now, good-night dear Akari. Until we meet again in heaven.  (screams)
Akari!  (He crumbles on her grave. Herb approaches and touches his cloak.)
Herb: Come, as the midnight curfew is approaching!  Let us go and end this
somber night.
Ryouga: As do I. Good night.
Herb: Ryouga, let’s get some sleep, if we can, and then prepare for the
next day and towards Soun we will go.
Ryouga: I will not leave this tomb until tomorrow. And then on to meet Kuno.
(Herb leaves, not feeling like himself. Ryouga cries heavily on the grave.
Nabiki filters downward to the grave, and touches him. She whispers
something to Ryouga, and he finally gets up. Soun and Genma leave. Only
Ranma and Akane remain upstairs, as they watch the presidings. The line of
people filter through the dead body of Akari. Each one greets and speaks to
Ryouga quietly. After the line is finished, Ryouga lays a flower on her
grave. He leaves. Akane and Ranma stay with Nabiki as she starts to work.)
Act 5, Scene 4
(The next day. It’s a joyous day as everyone is putting up banners,
streamers, guns, wall defenses, and mine fields. For today, a multitude of
weddings will happen. We start as Soun, Genma (as a panda), Akane, Ranma,
Kasumi, Nodika, Nabiki appear.)
Nabiki: Now, didn’t I tell you that this will work?
Soun: So, it was all Kuno’s fault. So sue me. And my dear Kasumi, I’m sorry
about turning your fiancee into a koala, but it was well worth it. This was
all against your will. You are forgiven.
Kasumi: Thank you! (She kisses him.)
Genma (sign): Party! Party! Now we party!
Ranma: Silly old bear. You all knew about my curse?
Soun: Of course, we knew it from your servant Azusa. Now dear ladies, you
know what to do. Just appear at the wedding with a masked. (The ladies
leave, except for Nabiki.) And you Genma, I do believe that Herb and Ryouga
will be here any moment now. Do your duty as your brother.
Genma: As for sure. (He leaves.)
Ranma: Nabiki, can you do a double wedding?
Nabiki (smiles): A double wedding? What for?
Ranma: Well, I believe that Tendou Soun here has a niece that has told me
how much she loves me.
Soun (stops and holds Ranma): You will marry her?
Ranma: Why, yes. And I love her too. I guess.
Soun (cries): Oh, what a happy day this is! Herb & Ryouga had told me about
this!
Ranma (shocked): Well, this much is certain.  I would like to be married,
with your help Nabiki. Here’s 100,000 yen. That’s my half.  (Ranma hands
her the money.)
Soun: And here’s the other half. (He also hands Nabiki the money.)
Nabiki: Thank you for shopping at Nabiki’s where marriage, gambling, and
money meet! I’ll help as well. Here comes the two lost boys. (Ryouga & Herb
appear. Ranma has a scowled look on his face. Herb looks really pale.)
Herb: Well good morning. I say that you have already made this place battle
and fit ready.
Soun: Well, hello dear Herb & Ryouga. Now it the time. This is the place.
Are you determined to merry my brother’s daughter?
Ryouga: Hai.
Soun: Very well, let the games begin! Nabiki? (They leave.)
Herb: Well, Ranma, I suppose you’ve heard that everything has settled.
(Ranma’s face calms down.) What’s the matter? You seem very quiet today.
You have a face that looks like the most wanted for a crime.
Ryouga: Well, I think you’re nervous about something. About me. Well, fear
not, for the fire is clearly on me. And on this girl that they’re bring out.
Ranma: Perhaps it’s a cloned girl. I mean she looks, sounds, and feels like
Akari, but not exactly. I helped with that.
Ryouga: Thanks. I owe you one.
(They enter the newly redesigned Nabiki’s Chapel, Casino, Bar & Grill! We
see the entire cast (except Kuno) looking down at them. We see Ukyou
grilling steaks, okonomiyakis, fish, whatever. Everyone is dressed really
nice. Thus, the three men come up to meet Genma and the three masked
ladies. Note: I’ve made a few adjustments here.)
Ryouga: Which one is for me, Genma?
Genma (pulls up bride #1): This is the one. This one is yours.
Ryouga: Well, let’s see who this is.
Soun: Not until the vows have been spoken for. Nabiki?
Nabiki: Do you Ryouga, take this girl to be your lawful wedded wife?
Ryouga: I do.
Nabiki: And do you, girl take this man, Hibiki Ryouga to be your lawful
wedded husband?
Bride #1 (sign): I do.
Nabiki: You’re married! (There’s a great cheer from the crowd, but stopped
by the hands of Nabiki) That is, after you have publically expressed your
love. Ryouga?
Ryouga: My dear wife, give me your hand. I am your husband and will love
you as always. I had a fiancee that I brutally scorned on the wedding day.
I didn’t even give her a chance. I give you that chance.
Bride #1 (sign): I know. 
(She unmasks herself, and everyone is amazed except Ranma, Akane, and
Nabiki. It’s Akari.)
Ryouga (stunned and glassed eyed): Akari! Is that you! But, but,...
Akari: Oh, yes, you killed me. Figuratively and Literally. But the brave
Nabiki and Ranma, and my cousin too help to repossess my spirit and I now
live a new again. And I love you, as I will always do. (They kiss.)
Herb (stunned): But, h-h-how that’s possible?
Soun: As long as she was truly dead, so was her slander. But when she the
truth was set free, then Nabiki helped to make her live again.
Nabiki: Oh it was nothing.  And as we get onward to the party, I’ll tell
you all, over a long glass of sake! Let’s party!
(The music is about to begin when Ranma stops it.)
Ranma (Screaming): Wait! Nabiki, which girl is Akane? (Everyone gasps.)
Akane (glaring at him, as she unmasks): That’s me. What do you want?
Ranma: Do you love me?
Akane: No, you pervert! (Waps him with the mallet; she misses.)
Ranma: Well, then Herb, Ryouga, and Soun are wrong, since I heard that they
swore that you did!
Akane (shocked): Well! Then I suppose I wonder if you want me!
Ranma: No, you uncute, tomboy! (He grabs the mallet from her and swings at
her; he misses.)
Akane: Then my cousin and Kasumi are deeply decieved as they swore that you
loved me.
Ranma: Ryouga claimed that you were almost sick for me, he heard this as
P-Chan!
Akane: And Akari claimed that you were almost dead for me!
Ranma: Well, it’s all for lost. You don’t love me.
Akane: Heck no! Pervert!
Soun (laughing with the rest of the audience): Surely there must be proof!
(Throughout this “arguement” Gosunkguri & Akari create a spell. Suddenly,
Ryouga and Akari kiss and disappear, which only Ranma and Akane fail to
see. Suddenly, Ranma and Akane feel something go up their clothing! They
gasp and scream. Then a pink piglet jumps out from Ranma’s tuxedo, holding
a piece of paper. The pig lands on the ground turns into Akari. She holds
the paper out for everyone to see.)
Akari: Then, here’s the proof! I’ll swear to you that Ranma love Akane!
Here’s a poem that he wrote to her, a little ditty that professes his love!
(She giggles.)
(Then P-Chan pops out of Akane’s dress. He squeals (“Bweeeee!”) He repeated
the same thing that Akari did.)
Ryouga: And here’s another! This is a series of long letters that shows
clearly that Akane has loved Ranma for a long time! (He laughs.)
(Ranma and Akane are embarrassed, but they do eventually finally breakdown
their defenses. They both laugh at themselves. They look at each other’s
words.)
Ranma: Well, well, our minds and actions have undone our words. You know,
Akane, you look marvelous in that Christine Dior dress.
Akane: And you, in that tuxedo, look fine, especially since you’ve kept
that short haircut. We look like twins! God save us all!
Ranma: Well, then let’s see if you can save yourself from this! (They kiss,
very passionately. Then they break as everyone oohs and ahhs.) Nabiki, I do
love this woman with all my heart and will take her to be my lawful wedded
wife.
Akane: And I’ll take this man to be my lawful wedded husband. I guess that
means that I’m as bad a pervert as you are!
Ranma: Indeed. (They kiss again and everyone is cheering and throwing out
bouquets.)
Herb: Well, I guess that leaves me to be the single guy now. So, Ranma,
what’s married life like now?
Ranma: Herb, if I could say the most wittiest thing it would be nothing.
But I did learn something about me and man in general. Aren’t we all the
silliest things ever created? Ryouga, I do say, being that the challenge is
off, I could have beaten you. (He smiles.)
Ryouga: And if you had denied Akane, which what I was working on, then I
would have beaten you. (He smiles. Then they the two couples hug one another.)
Ranma: Ryouga, you and I are friends once more! Best friends! Are we married?
Nabiki: As far as I can see, yes.
Soun: Then let’s boogie! (However, that’s stopped when Kuno appears in
front of them. He laughs mercifulessly.)
Kuno: It’s too bad that I’m the King now, and not poor Herb. (He grabs his
brother) Who is now my servant. And this castle will not survive the attack!
Akari (cracks her knuckles): And you killed me, indirectly. That’ll pay,
boy. (She turns to Ryouga, Akane, & Ranma.) Well, shall we?
(In a flash, Akari takes Kuno’s bokken and rips it apart and flings him in
the sky. He’s caught by Ryouga who give him a Roaring Lion’s Blast and
knocks him back on the floor. There, Ranma takes him and give him such a
beating that he can’t think straight, and finally, Akane takes him and
cracks a few arms, legs, ribs, and back. He’s now unconscious and
paralyzied. Messenger 3 arrives.)
Messenger 3: Oh, by the way, your armies have defeated Kuno’s armies. (He
sees the crumpled mess that is Kuno.) Oh, I guess you knew that. (He leaves.)
Ranma: Ouch, I think we’ve hurt them. Well, now, let’s boogie! Akari, you
will think up something for punishment for him, won’t you? (She nods.)
Let’s party!
Mousse (with Shampoo in his arms): Well, they are Akane’s favorite band.
Three brothers who know how to sing. Let’s give it up for the Hanson
brothers and their hit songs, back to back, “MMMBop!” and “Where’s the Love?”
(As the Hansons play, we see guards dragging Kuno’s body to the jail. Herb
is given his crown & soul back as he dances with Kasumi. A koala is on her
shoulder. We turn a bit to see Soun dancing and smiling. We then see
Shampoo and Mousse dancing near the band itself. As we approach the party
grounds itself, we see Tsubasa and Ukyou dancing it up in costumes from “As
You Like It.” Then we see Nodika and Genma-panda hopping around. Happousai
and Kodachi are hopping around on a very beat-up author, who looks on in
grimace and pain. Finally we close in on Ranma, Akane, Ryouga, and Akari as
they are dancing, but keeping each of their arms on their new loves. We
peek at Gosunkguri hopping with Nabiki. Then Akane and Ranma kiss
passionately. Ryouga winks at us and then he kisses Akari. We end with the
kisses of Ranma & Akane; Akari & Ryouga). 
~Fin~.