OK, leaping to the author's defense:

Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 18:36:35 -0400
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
From: Adam Conover <dconover@garnet.acns.fsu.edu>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma 1/2][C&C] The Proposal

There's an old saying... "If you can't understand what's going on, then
you're watching terrific anime." I got the same sense from this fic. 

What

the -HECK- is going on here?

<snip>

"You're kidding right?  Come on Akane, we've been through this for 

weeks

now."  Ranma felt he was being jeered on by Akane's bewildered look, 

but

somehow Akane really looked like she didn't know anything at all.  "Oh
boy."

Still not -too- bad...

"Who's getting married later?"

"Damn, you forgot again.  I just reminded you only yesterday."

"Ranma!  Who's getting married?"

Ok, what? Why is she asking 'who'? Ranma just said it. And forgot 

'again'?

No...They've been married a year.  Ukyo and Ryoga are getting married, 
and it was because of something Akane did during the year that she 
doesn't, for some reason, remember.

"I can't believe you'd forget all about it all of a sudden!"  Ranma
bolted off the table and was about to leave the kitchen.  "Damn, 

Akane.

We've spent months talking about it.  Took us weeks to get everyone to
finally concede, and now you're telling me you forgot everything.  I
wished you never found..." Ranma immediately stopped when he felt
someone grasp his hand.  "Huh?"

First it was weeks. Now it's months. And he wishes that she never 

found...

what?

That Ryoga is P-Chan.

"I'm sorry Ranma.  But I really don't remember.  I had a dream last
night..." Ranma immediately found himself embracing Akane.   "I really
don't."

"You had that dream again?  The one when I proposed to you?"  Akane 

was

surprised how Ranma could possibly know exactly what she was talking
about.  "Akane, that happened a year ago.  Remember?"  Akane tried, 

but

nothing flashed in her mind.  "I guess not."  Ranma and Akane returned
to the table and continued their conversation there.

"You proposed to me a year ago?"  Ranma felt irritated a bit but soon 

he

decided to just smile.

Ok... this still matches the scant continuity we've had up until this 

point...

"Yes, Akane.  We've been married for a year now."  Ranma blinked and 

he

winced realizing what he had just said.  "Damn.  Our anniversary is
coming up.  What do you want to do?  I heard the beaches are great 

this

time of the year."  Akane shook her head in dismay.

O.o -Nani-? First they're -about- to get married, now they've been 

married

for a year? O.o @_@

No.  As I said, they've been married for a year (apparently the fathers 
must have had a priest handy for her acceptance of his proposal, 
figuring that there was less chance of interference that way.).

Later...

"I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone."

"What?  We've slept before..." Ranma suddenly realized Akane's real
problem.
"You don't remember anything, right?"

"I already told you..." Akane felt something warm crawling up her 

back.

"Ranma don't you dare!"

"We're husband and wife.  What's wrong with this?"  Akane tried to 

ward

off Ranma's roaming hands.  "Besides, you've done it before."

"But I don't remember!"

"Exactly.  Don't you want to have a second 'first time'?"  Ranma now 

had

his arms where he wanted them.

"Ranma!  Stop it."  Akane's resistance lessened even further.  "No.
Don't do that.  Ranma!"  Soon their voices died down and the room was
almost quiet again.

"Oh, Ranma!"

"He, he, he."

A few hours later, the bodies had stopped moving, and both were 

wearily

fast asleep.

At this point, I'm thinking that Ranma is just playing with Akane's 

head so

that she'll sleep with him... though that doesn't seem like a thing 

that

Ranma would do...

"What exactly was the reason I told you to sleep on the roof?"  Ranma
was enjoying recalling what had happened last night that he failed to
recognize the trap Akane laid out for him.

What trap would this be? We never hear about this 'trap' again.

The `trap' is her asking the same question he had ducked the previous 
night.

"What!"  The sudden outburst immediately interrupted the whole 

wedding,

and everyone stared at Akane, who was looking intensely furious.  

"Ryoga

is P-chan!  My pet P-chan!"

Ok... where did THAT come from? O.o

POV shifted to the front of the room, away from Akane and Ranma.  Ranma 
answered the question, (``You made me sleep on the roof because I told 
you Ryoga is P-Chan.'') and Akane blew up.

Ryoga and Ukyou stared at each other.  Everyone was caught surprised 

by

the next events.

Before everyone realized what was happening the groom was running out
the dojo.  Ryoga was running for his life.  "Damn it Ranma.  I thought
she forgot all about it?!"

Ranma was running along with him.  "Long story man.  Just keep 

running!"

The two jumped up the fence and headed out into the streets.

It would be nice if the long story was explained to -us-...

Extrapolate.  The author wanted you to be confused for most of the 
story.

"Get back here you two!  BAKA!  I'll get you for this Ryoga!  Ranma!"

"Ranma, how the hell did she remember?!"

"Actually, she forgot!  Duck!"  The two narrowly missed a projectile
thrown to them by their pursuer.  "Damn, we're doing this all over
again.  Like the first one wasn't bad enough!"

See... I assume that this sentence would make sense if we had a bit 

more

background... unfortunately, we don't.

Presumably, this scenario was played out the first time she found out 
about Ryoga.

"What do you think?  Would Dr. Tofu be already back to normal by now?"
Ryoga rounded a corner with Ranma following suit.

What is meant by "back to normal"?

After a Kasumi visit, I think...

Later...

A few hours later since the disastrous wedding everything, seems to be
back to normal.

Umm... you might want to re-write this sentence... this smacks of a
sentence half-written, the author running off to take care of 

something,

and then coming back to write the end, resulting in complete 

incoherency...

Replace ``later'' with ``after'', move the comma before ``everything''.  
Oh, and change ``seems'' to ``seemed''. 

"I'm glad you two decided to get married."  Akane and Ukyou embraced
each other.

"I have you to thank, Akane."

Umm... why?

As Ranma said before, the Ukyo/ Akane matchup was Akane's idea.

Both of them looked at the their husbands who were slumped on the 

couch

in the living room, and both were dead tired and fast asleep.

First everyone hates each other, and now they're relaxed?

"They sure picked a strange time to sleep?"  Akane and Ukyou just
laughed.

-----

The End

-----


C&C greatly appreciated (public and private will do)

This was an hour fic....

This seems like you wrote two completely different fics and then 

cut/pasted

paragraphs from each into it... no offense, or anything... it just 

doesn't

make any sense! n_n;;

Sure it does.  Just gotta dig a little.

- Adam

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of 

His

own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of 

the

other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of 

poker

in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards for infinite stakes, with a 

Dealer

who won't tell you the rules, and who *smiles* all the time.

-- Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, "Good Omens"

dconover@garnet.acns.fsu.edu
http://garnet.acns.fsu.edu/~dconover/main.html

--Freemage

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