On Tuesday, October 21, 1997 7:45 AM, Sebastian Weinberg wrote:
: The cross-over that should *never* have been written...
Oh yeah, *great* advertising copy if I ever saw it. Nothing to
get the audience in the mood than to imply there's something
*wrong* with what they're going to read.
More of an acknowledgement that this is an exercise in ego more than
anything else. It takes chutzpah to crossover two of your own stories.
:)
: Oh! And angst, angst, angst!
Surpri-i-ise!
:D
: The creature, whatever it was, sank into a pool of its
: own blood.
You really need to get more creative with your monsters. The last
three ones all were completely undefined, two of them even
formless.
Hmm. Well, the "boogie-man" (to use Taleswapper's designation) was
deliberately formless. And here, the monster is really not necessary
to the story; more a plot device than anything else. (I do have an
image in mind, a mix between the creatures from "Alien" and
"Predator".)
All this is to excuse the fact that I'm horrible at describing things.
:)
: "What!" Akane's anger flared up. "I didn't! I mean,
: yes, we both broke off the engagement a dozen times, but
: in the end..."
Twice. Once over Shampoo, before it became apparent that Ranma
was not two-timing her, and once when his engagement was
transferred to Nabiki.
Twice that we *saw*. A dozen other times that weren't chronicled in
the manga. So there. :P
The "you were going to be a woman forever" bits are redundant.
rephrase one.
Good point.
: is a different world altogether. An alternate universe."
I don't like that word; I always use "alternative". It's just not
what "alternate" *means*. Which is not to say that Ranma should
not use it here. :)
alˇterˇnate (ôlšter-nât´, ālš-)
1. To occur in successive turns: showers alternating with sunshine.
2. To pass back and forth from one state, action, or place to another:
The second seems to apply here. :)
: Kentaro frowned. "More science-fiction terminology."
:
: Ranma shrugged. "So, *you* tell me what Autumn's Shaver
: has to say."
Still think this should be "Occam's". This took me three readings
to get, the first time. Ranma's not *dumb*. Let him get the name
right, but the "Razor" wrong.
No, Ranma's not dumb. But Ranma's not heard the name "Occam" before,
and thought Kentaro was saying "Autumn" (and yes, I know this wouldn't
happen if they were speaking Japanese).
A story: when I was in high school, a popular song used the phrase
"Kyrie eleison" in its lyrics:
Kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel;
Kyrie eleison through the highway of the night...
It wasn't until someone told me that I figured out the "kyrie eleison"
part. I was convinced the lyric was, "Carry a laser". Which pretty
much changes the entire meaning of the song. :)
: "What about Herb?"
:
: "Who?"
:
: Ranma's eyebrows shot up. "The guy who froze me in
: female form."
:
: "Oh, *him*." Her eyes widened. "Are you saying...?"
:
: "How long do you think I was stuck as a woman?"
Still think she pulls this one out of thin air. Why does she ask
this question?
Why? Well, I think it's pretty clear:
TILkane tells TOPma they were married before their senior year in high
school. Now, TOPma knows that didn't happen, because she was stuck as
a woman during that time, and TILkane couldn't marry a woman. So she
asks what her gender was when they were married. When TILkane
indicates that he was male, TOPma immediately asks about the Herb
incident - the incident that ended with TOPma stuck as a woman for six
years. This is a major event in TOPma's life. It is much less so in
TILma's life, which is why TILkane goes "Who?"
I don't see this as a hard line of reasoning to follow. Anyone else
have any comments?
: Kyoko, in a gesture achingly similar to Nouma, had a
: finger alongside her nose as she thought.
Gah! I knew it! Self-insertion Alert! Self-insertion Alert!
;)
Hehehehehe.
I did the nose thing yesterday at a staff meeting, to the amusement of
my co-workers. :)
I liked this new scene.
Thanks.
Ah, expanding upon the dream contact. Good. I like this scene,
too. And what a relief that the Kentaro-Akane thing was just
this. <Phew!> :)
Hehehe... you didn't think I'd do that in real life, neh? :)
: The steps paused a moment, then moved towards him.
: Nabiki was looking at him thoughtfully. "Do you have
: mental telepathy where you come from or just super-keen
: senses?"
"Mental telepathy"? I don't think Nabiki would use anything this
redundant, which is doubtful because it is too repetitive for her,
making it OOC. :)
It's a common phrase, despite the redundancy.
: "Oh, I like him just fine. You and he get along
: famously. He's just a little too saintly for my tastes."
Yaaayy! You made Nabiki the greek chorus! Way cool!
:D That's her usual role in my fanfics.
: "And what is this going to accomplish again?"
:
: "Well, I hope to find what it is in my dreams that is
: bothering me. If it's me - that is, the Ranma you know -
: then I want you here to help call him back. And, just
: maybe, I can cross over there as well."
Still too contrived for my tastes. I just don't like it that she
is already talking of crossing over. It's far too fantastic a
notion for her to have just like that.
I dunno. She desperately *wants* to exchange places back with TILma,
so while this meditation technique isn't supposed to allow any kind of
exchange, it's what she *hopes* for with all of her heart. She
acknowledges this with her "improvising" comment.
: AUTHOR'S NOTE:
:
: Well, whaddya think?
Still not enough.
Dang. The thing is forty pages long and you're *still* not satisfied?
^_^
The changes made the solution a bit better, but I still think it's
arrived at too conveniently by blind luck with too little
searching and false starts.
Well, this I disagree with. Except maybe for the "too little false
starts", which I admit I cut down on for the sake of expediency.
TILma's second trip to Australia should he a bit more reason
than this.
This I agree was glossed over. Again, I didn't want to drag the story
out any longer than it had to.
I think the story would gain a lot if the
solution is arrived at after a bit more struggle.
Perhaps. Is it worth adding another twenty or more pages? I thought
it was long enough as it was. This was supposed to be a cute little
exercise (remember, it started as an hour-long fic) rather than an epic
cross-over.
I know Anand agrees with you. Any other opinions, anyone?
The TILma/Kentaro relationship is underexamined.
True, mostly because I didn't see it going anywhere other than
tolerance by TILma. Despite everything, the prospect of being married
to a guy disgusts him. And I needed to maintain that disgust a little
until the final showdown with TOPma, so that they could have something
to resolve.
There is a true wealth of potential conflict here that you
still left mostly untapped.
Admitted.
TOPma's wonderful insights when faced with a universe where she
is married to Akane should be balanced with something of
a revelation for TILma.
Hmm.
Also TILma might turn female sometimes for Kyoko's benefit,
I showed him doing this while playing with her, although it happened
off-screen.
You could do that by emphasizing the ticking clock in form
of her unborn baby. (BTW, does it have a name?)
Er, no. I did decide it was a boy. Any suggestions?
Also, I'd really have loved a TILma/TOPkane confrontation, though
that would probably a right bugger to write. :)
Which is part of why I avoided it. But it is interesting to think
about.
In short, a wonderful story, and each expansion adds more great
aspects to it, but you are still too timid to explore it to its
full potential. Please stop convincing yourself that this isn't a
very "worthy" or "valuable" fic or represents some kind of author
vanity, like you imply in the intro - it's not true.
<sigh> Well, I'm glad you like it. But... well, should I make this
thing as long as BE or RoS to explore all of this? Is it really worth
an epic of that proportion, to cover subjects that were really already
covered in TIL and especially TOP? 'Cuz that's all I'm doing, really -
rehashing old topics. *That's* why I hesitate to expand it further -
it's really all old news.
Whaddya think?
: I'm still looking for a better title. Any thoughts?
Hmmm. How about _Definitions of Hell_? You still haven't
explained what's wrong with it. Just because there's no "thy" in
it... ;)
Hehehehehehehehehehe.
Sebastian
Thanks as always for the excellent C&C, Bast.
-Richard
sterman@sprynet.com
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