****** RETURN OF BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ONE/HALF ******
Stuff used from the following (it isn't mine):
"Ranma 1/2"
"Oh my Goddess"
Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
Jim Hensen, "Muppets take Manhattan"
At the end our first mis-adventure, "Beavis and Butthead
One/Half":
1. Beavis and Butthead had gone to China and fallen into
the Jhusenkyo pools where they turned into:
Beavis: a fierce martial artist - who happened to be cute
and female.
Butthead: a dinosaur, also a female - who happened to
cook, was plump and purple, and had long green hair.
They were now safely (for Japan) back at home.
2. Bull, the female gang leader with an inferiority
complex, was out to get Happosai for *not* stealing her
panties.
As this story begins, we find one member of our star twosome
pondering the deep mysteries of philosophy -
Beavis hoisted the pail of water and ruminated. There was
friendship, a cooperation and partnership not to be taken
lightly. There was brotherhood, a camaraderie which had
been extolled for ages, from the ancient Greeks and Romans
to the present, tried and trusted through wars and trials,
upsets and violence. Yes, friendship was a thing to be
cherished.
On the other hand...
He released the contents of the pail onto the person below,
and there was panic and commotion as the room full of high
school students scattered from a 300 lb. purple dinosaur.
The dinosaur in question wiped long green hair out of her
eyes and looked about in perplexity.
...On the other hand, there were the coconut macaroons...
---------------
Meanwhile, back in Nerima - half a world away:
It was morning, her favorite time, when the sunlight first
penetrated the morning mist. It cast an incandescent flame
onto the curtains above the sink, reflecting in the white
enamel. Earlier, she had placed a peony in a small vase
where sunlight would fall on it as the sun rose higher.
Small dust motes danced like fireflies in the deep yellow
glow.
Time for her meditations. The mantra she sang was from a
popular tune in a movie, but the words were right. The deep,
inner truths she sought... well, she didn't seek any.
Perhaps that is why she kept finding them. The reason for
life, and death, though it was a question which one of them
hurt more. 'It is not *supposed* to be easy,' she once heard
her own voice saying, one morning when it seemed that things
could not be much worse. Since she was alone in her room,
just waking up, and it was not her sisters or even her
departed mother who spoke, it had to be herself. How could
she get so wise? 'I'm not supposed to worry about how I
know,' she concluded, and went from there to being content.
Kasumi became aware of the universe in a dancing dust mote
glowing in the beam of sunlight. She let the universe
expand until it filled the kitchen, and then let go of it.
Good. The soup was ready.
Father was already at the table where Nabiki was concluding
her accounting and Akane was finishing her homework. That
left two people, and they were in the yard, from the sounds
of combat drifting in.
"Ranma! Mister Saotome! Breakfast is ready!"
The sound of scarfing and chewing covered the noise of
approach until it was too late.
"Akane!" A high scratchy voice echoed through the Tendou
house.
Akane sprang to her feet in alarm. "Where? What?"
"Akane! Aren't you glad to see me? I have a present for
you!" A stubby, shrunken old man bounced through the door,
waving a see-through bra with the price-tag dangling.
"Oh, no!" cried Akane, "He's back!" She straight-armed the
gnome as he was about to execute a Glomp on her. Happosai
bounced off the staircase and looped in a new direction.
"Kasumi! Sweetie! You'll wear this for me, won't you?"
Kasumi turned, wide-eyed, to see the shrunken old face
stopped in its trajectory inches away from her. The face
suddenly receded, as Ranma pulled him back and threw him out
the patio door.
"He's full of gas, today," said Ranma, as he hurriedly
closed the door.
Meanwhile, Happosai's new direction of travel carried him
over the wall and into the street. He chortled happily as
he saw another good-looking girl coming toward him. "Hello,
pretty lady!" he called.
"Well, well, well," said a frosty voice. "If it ain't the
old pervert."
Happosai screeched to a halt and peered suspiciously at the
newcomer. Short. Cute. Blue eyes. Black hair in a bowl
haircut... somehow, he had seen her before.
"Remember me?" said the almost familiar voice. "You had to
humiliate me in front of *all* my friends! And my enemies,
too!"
"Ehhh... Give me a clue?" Yes, he *had* seen her before.
Quite a while before. When she was much younger... younger.
That's it! And she was...
"I'm gonna *kill* you!" she announced.
"Let me explain!" he shrieked, retreating back over the
wall.
(Let me discuss this. Here is possibly the toughest
martial artist - certainly the most perverted - in
Japan, and he is running from a *girl*? Something
don't make sense, here... Has he done something
terrible? Naaah. Has he done something evil? Again,
naaah. Has he done something nice? Yep, that must be
it. It would not do for word of this to get out. It
could ruin his reputation as a hentai. But, then, who
cared?)
Ranma was taken by surprise as the shrunken old man rushed
back into the house and dived behind him.
"Hide me!" cried Happosai.
"From who?" asked Akane. (0)
---------------
(0) Okay, it should be 'whom'. I write junk like this and
you expect me to be literate, too?
---------------
Just then the door flew open and Bull stormed in.
"I want that creepy old goat!" she cried.
"You want 'im, you got 'im," said Ranma as he pulled
Happosai out from his hiding place.
Bull smiled a cruel smile. "Open your eyes, old man!" she
said. "I want you to see what's coming!"
"I don't wanna! I don't wanna!"
"Then you won't see this... " She waved something lacy and
frivolous under his nose. "Au de Katomi's Lacies and
Unmentionables Shop. Worn once."
"I can explain! I can explain!"
"You better start right now, Bub!"
"You shouldn't have been in that dorm!"
"I was too rough for girls my own age... they put me in with
the older girls."
"And your underwear didn't have enough... maturity."
"Are you saying you left my stuff because I was..."
"Yes! Yes! You weren't old enough for your underwear to
have ..."
"... because my age was ... *inferior*!!????"
"Ulp!" Happosai whipped out the see-thru bra, "Ahh, on the
other hand, you have aged well. If you'd care to model this
little beauty..."
"DIE, YOU PERVERT!!!!!" cried Bull as she began her strike
with her usual buildup of swirling, clinging underthings,
bras, and lacy panties - deadly weapons since he could not
resist them.
Happosai watched in happy horror as the first missile, a
frilly peignoir from Victoria-chan's Secret, floated toward
him. He could not tear his eyes from the lace, the sheer
texture of the fabric, the soft silk feel as it wrapped
around his face... but unable to see anything, he regained
the advantage, blinded to the other articles of intimate
ladies apparel flying about. His `radar' allowed him to
dodge when she went for the kill.
She began her ultimate technique. "Iron underwear attack!"
she cried as she slung a metal girdle which, unfortunately,
went wide of its mark and stuck, reverberating, in the far
wall.
Happosai, with his eyes clenched tightly shut, countered
with a "HAPPODAIKARIN!"
"Uh oh! Look out! He's about to blow the - " cried Ranma.
\ | /
> KABLOOM! <
/ | \
"- front of the building off," Ranma finished limply.
"Oh, my," said Kasumi.
"The little bastard got away *again*!" fumed Bull, searching
amongst the debris in the vain hope of finding a sign of the
little old man.
"Well, I'll go find Nabiki," said Kasumi, "She knows all of
the contractor's phone numbers. And then I must go
shopping. What do you want for supper?"
"After this, I think all we will be able to afford is rice,"
said Akane.
---------------
Tofu Ono strolled through the park, where golden koi dimpled
the water around huge lily pads. He was six years old.
It was a dream, of course. He recognized it as such by the
feel. He sat on a shaded bench to observe the other people
as they strolled along the pebbled paths. Along came Kasumi,
and he asked her to sit with him.
She smiled, and did so. It was a pleasant morning, for a
dream. Kasumi was beautiful, as always. He wondered if
there was a chance that she might someday care for him.
Perhaps one time when he was visiting his mother he might
mention how well Kasumi managed the Tendo household. His
mother would reply that such a girl would be a credit to any
family, and he would say, 'yes, she would,' and say no more.
His mother would do the rest, visiting the Tendous and
feeling out the family for their opinions on a wedding.
Then someone spoke. Betty-chan was sitting on the bench
opposite Kasumi, bones reflecting the midday sun. "You need
to ground yourself," advised Betty-Chan, handing him a huge
copper wire with the other end poked into the base of the
bench.
Kasumi began to serve tea, performing the proper tea
ceremony, and Tofu looked on in appreciation. It was, all in
all, indeed a pleasant dream. "But why do I need this?" he
asked himself, tossing aside the electrical cable.
Immediately, the air around them crackled with static
electricity, and a spark jumped from Kasumi to him, knocking
him to the ground.
They were in his parents home, where the
cranes flocked over the lake, and his mother
tasted the soup. "There is not enough fish
in this soup!" she cried. The fishmonger
stood beside his cart on the front stoop and
argued. Kasumi sat meekly on the fishmonger's
scales with the fish, and mother said, "Not
enough fish! The rascal is trying to cheat us!"
Then he was back in the park. "Why, h... hello, Ka...
Kasumi!" he stuttered, as though seeing her for the first
time, "Fancy meeting you here! Do you come here often?" He
began to dance with Betty.
The panda marched past, carrying a sign that said, 'You do
it every time!'
[Nonsense,] thought Tofu, [I may get a little giddy, but I
don't go *that* crazy! - do I?]
And then the park was empty, the colors draining. Signs
that the dream was ending. It was morning, but
thunderclouds loomed overhead, and everything grew dark. In
the gloom, a wan and fading Kasumi reached, pleading, for
him.
Sunlight smote his eyes. He had slept late, which was
strange, for he never overslept. [Time to open up the
clinic,] he thought.
---------------
Tendo Suon surveyed the damage with a practiced eye and
expressed his usual cheerful optimism about the situation.
"My.. My house! It's destroyed! I'm ruined!"
"Oh, Daddy, it's been worse," said Nabiki. She finished
entering a column of estimates. "For instance, there was
the roof replacement last month, and the time Ryouga lost
his temper and we had to rebuild the dojo, and... hmmm...
shouldn't have brought that up, I guess," she added as Suon
increased the pitch of his sobs an octave. Among the
debris, she found a slip of paper. "Hmmmmm$$$$$$" she
said. (1)
_______________
1 Yeah, yeah, I know. It should be `YYYYY' with the little
Yen symbols, but my keyboard won't cooperate.
---------------
"I'm ruined!" squalled Suon, "This is terrible! It can't
get any worse!"
"<Uh huuhuhhuh. This place looks familiar>," said a voice
from behind him - a voice from the recent past.
"<Yeah. Heheheheh! This is where they got those geesha
girls>!" said another.
Suon turned pale. Slowly he turned around. Slowly he
turned paler, as he beheld the two gaijin boys.
"What were you were saying, Daddy?" said Nabiki.
Genma spoke up. "Kasumi is in town shopping. Akane is
visiting her friends. Where is a pail of water when we need
it?"
"You forget, Uncle Genma, that they were cured before they
were sent home. It won't do any good to soak them."
"Ahem."
"<What're they starin' at us for>?" asked Butthead.
"<I told you that wasn't the door to the girl's locker,
snotball>!"
"<Bunghole>!"
"Ahem!"
"But what are they doing here? That goddess sent them home,
didn't she?" said Nabiki.
"AHEM!!!!"
They turned to see a well built platinum blonde standing
behind them, with clothes rumpled and a lock of blonde hair
tumbled across her cheek.
"Gomen Naisai. Your wish was revoked," she said, "There was
a bug found in the software that allowed the wish to be
granted, therefore the wish was canceled. I had to return
these two to where they were when the wish was made. Believe
me, it wasn't easy."
"You mean their curse has been returned to them?" Genma
poised with a bucket of water ready.
"That part of the wish? Well... it didn't turn out the way
I thought. I mean, they didn't really get `cured',
technically. Y'know, win some, lose some... I am *very*
sorry about that..."
"Oh, that's alright!" said Genma as he released the water
onto the boys, producing one damp dinosaur and a slightly
sprinkled Beavette.
"Whatever did you do that for, Genma-sama?" asked the plump
purple pre-bird.
"For coconut macaroons!" answered the blond martial artist.
The platinum blond goddess smoothed her fashionably tight
smock and assumed a transcendental sleekness. "That's
better," she said, "Now if there is anything we can do, you
have our number."
"How about house repair?" asked Nabiki.
"You have a list of our favorite contractors," replied Urd,
"In fact, we got our list from peeking at your list. Your
expertise come very highly recommended."
"Thanks for nothing," Nabiki said, sourly.
Genma looked up from his own list of food dishes that he was
writing and said, "But when we called you last time it was
an accident! How can we get hold of you again?"
"By accident, of course!" said Urd with the tiniest bit of
irony in her smile. Like the Cheshire Cat, she slowly
vanished until the smile was all that was left. Then it,
too, went away.
"My house!" mourned Suon, "What else can go wrong?"
"What a cool porch!" said Beavette, examining the missing
front wall. She leaned against the only remaining support
holding the roof upright, and the structure began sagging...
_______________
"But why do their personalities change so drastically?"
asked Akane, as she hoisted her barbells, "I mean, it's like
two entirely different people. One is bouncy and cheerful,
and the other is - echhi - different."
"Well, you remember the guard from Jhusenkyo who came after
us, and how he turned into a monk? (2) They had entirely
different personalities. So one of these guys fell into a
pool of drowned bouncy girl, and the other fell into a pool
of drowned... well... whatever."
"Whatever? I thought that was Grover."
"Uhhh... I think you mean Gonzo."
"Okay, whatever." (3)
---------------
2 Okay, this fanfic was taken from the anime, not the manga.
This was done partly because I know of no manga for Beavis
and Butthead. I'm not sure I *want* to know if there is
such a manga.
3 If you remember Sesame Street then you are older than I
thought.
---------------
"Anyway, we're stuck with them again. At least one of them
can cook," said Ranma when he knew better.
"Don't start on *that* again!"
"Start what? I didn't say anything!"
"You said one of them could cook! As if that was something
unusual!"
"Well, I gotta admit that some people don't cook too
good..."
"Okay, let's hear it," Akane said, resignedly.
"Hear what?"
"Tell me how bad a cook I am."
"No way. I wanna live to see tomorrow!"
"I won't do anything. I promise. Just go ahead and tell me
the truth. What do you *really* think of my cooking?"
"The truth?"
"Flat out, straight truth. I promise, I won't get angry."
"Heh. You won't get mad?"
"Didn't I say I wouldn't? Don't you trust me?"
"Okay. The truth. Uh..."
"Go ahead. I can take it."
"Gee, Akane, I really don't want to hurt your feelings."
"Would you just tell me what you think of my cooking? Put
it into two words. Very simple."
"In two words? ... paint remover."
Ranma thought over his statement and added, "Maybe I should
amend that."
Akane was standing rigidly still. "Maybe you should," she
said through clenched teeth.
"After all, you cooked noodles one time. I used a couple
for shoelaces. Let's see... Industrial strength detergent.
No, that's three words."
Akane was turning a deeper shade of red, muttering, "I can
take it, I can take it..."
"Of course, there's your mizou soup. Very different."
"`Very different'? That's two words! You said something
about my cooking that wasn't blatant criticism!"
"Yeah, because it *was* different. Tasted like turpentine,
but it was *definitely* different!"
"Ranmaaaaa..." Akane struggled to keep her voice calm.
"Yeah?"
"I had my fingers crossed!"
"Uh-oh..."
Beavette flinched from the concussion, then watched as the
figure clad in a red Chinese shirt tumbled overhead to
splash into the koi pond.
"I have *got* to learn that move!" she said.
_______________
In the Akabaca Forest, a shrine seal grated slowly aside,
and a demon of the lesser variety struggled out. It was
hungry. Shortly before, it had encountered a whiff of human
only be thwarted by something or someone who smelled bad and
who was far too powerful to attack. But it remembered, and
it wanted. It had once been a weaker demon, but it had
picked up a few tricks, down through the centuries, the
product of close association with bad company in close
quarters. And like many weaker things, it had learned to
hide what strength it had acquired, like the ability to move
the shrine seal. Camouflage. Its shape blurred for an
instant and it became darker, absorbing more of the wan
moonlight.
The demon glowered, which was it's nearest equivalent to a
happy smile, and grated the seal back into place. Had to
keep the neighborhood quiet. It didn't want any unpleasant
activity around here from other beings out for a midnight
snack.
No, it wanted this place all to itself. The demon raised a
snout to the sky, and sniffed.
There, to the southwest.
Lunchtime.