From: "Himura Kenshin (Kevin Eav)" <geist@holly.colostate.edu>
    "Tomobiki High School, in Tomobiki-cho.  A quiet, three-story
building, lonely clock tower perched and slumbering.  This school is the
most feared in all Japan.  Unruly teachers are sent here to be
disciplined."

Somebody needs to say or think this.  Perhaps Onsen-Mark?

    "Ahhh.. I see... young man, are you sure that you want to do this?
We have many fine students here, and I'm sure you know of the existence
of the Mendou Defense Force... We--"

This is way too collected for the principal.  I don't think he's even
noticed that his tea partner is a cat by the end of the series.

Ataru was aware of none of this,
A sweet, lovely voice chimed in from his right.
Ataru closed his eyes in irritation.

Mendou shook his head.

There's a problem with focus here.  It starts off with mostly Ataru's POV
then drifts about.  Try rewriting with the perceptions and bias of one
character who'll be in the class for the entire scene.

Think about the differences between seeing this as Shuu-chan, Ryuu-kun or
Onsen-Mark.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb