From: "Keith g. Wood" <kwood%Helena@metnet.mt.gov>
El-Hazard: Another Night, Another Dream

Red mists swirled about and threatened to engulf Shayla-Shayla as she wande=
red through the haunted dreamscape of her subconcious.  Tepid air swarmed o=
ver her body, invading her lungs.  She coughed, gasped, inhaled more of the=
foul breeze.  It smelled as though some animal had died and had been rotti=
ng for some time.

There are some problems here.  First air doesn't swarm, the particles are
too small to be perceived as a swarm.  Perhaps you'd be better off taking
a single metaphor and developing it.

Worried eyes scanned the dark horizon

Whose eyes?  (Yes I know they're hers but you don't come out an admit
this.  Think POV.  Place yourself there and think how you'd feel.)

Shayla shook her head as if trying to dislodge a troublesome thought from h=
er mind.

Week and wordy.  Write a shorter sentence from her POV.

It was a happiness that was never meant to last.

And this isn't needed at all.

be as brutal as you like

You should be more so.  The best way to start is to show us the shot
between the eyes from the perspective of those eyes.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb