(Scene:  The wizard SKJAM!'s den in the Rock of Perpetuity.  Noa 
Izumi is sitting in one of the chairs.  No, wait, it's Kira Midori 
*dressed* as Noa.  Okay, so it's not much of a costume...  SKJAM!, 
dressed as a Starfleet officer, enters.)

<As SKJAM! enters, a lavender fog swirls into the room, and in step...Larva
and Miyu!? Oh, wait...it's just Lurkadis and Hikaru Inverse, dressed up as
Larva and Miyu.>

Kira:  Back to our main purpose, it occurred to me that now might be the 
ideal time for Ranma to tell his mother about the curse.

SKJAM!:  I see what you mean.  Even if she feels he's become "unmanly" 
because of the curse, she can't morally justify forcing Hikaru (who 
didn't sign the pledge) to die, and even if she were that far gone, 
Nodoka would at least have to agree to wait until Cephiro is saved...

Lurkadis: <taking off his hood and mask> Good idea. Been considering it for
chapter 21 or 22, actually...

At long last, here's chapter 20 of O:RS. This one has a more humorous

tone

than the previous chapters, as will all chapters dealing with Akane,
Ryouga, Ukyou, Mousse, and Shampoo for a while. (And now I can sit back

and

wait for their various churches to roast me for turning their idols

into

comedy relief...)

SKJAM!:  I had noticed they were kind of awfully quiet and cooperative 
the last few chapters...
 > 

Lurkadis: <nods> As intense as the story has been to this point, I figured
it was time for a little humor. Between now and the time the Knights and
Lantis return to Cephiro, all mention of the Nerima gang will chronicle
their misadventures in Cephiro.

I can also easily say that this is the shittiest chapter of Onna: Red

Side

so far.

Kira:  Tch tch.  Language *and* attitude...

Lurkadis: <snicker>

C&C welcome. MSTs encouraged.

SKJAM!:  Well, you know you have one of those guaranteed...

Lurkadis: <grin>

	Chapter 20: Worm Fodder

Kira:  Appropriate for the season.

Lurkadis: <piku> Hey, you're right...

	The caravan slowed to a stop at the border of the arid, dusty wastes

of

Cephiro. As far as deserts go, this one was definitely unusual.

SKJAM!:  Since it was covered in lush vegetation.

	"Why's the sand purple?" Ukyou asked.

Kira:  Special royal sand, for the Princess' cat's sandbox.

Lurkadis: <chuckle>

"It's due to a mineral found only in this part of Cephiro," Presea

said.

	"Really?" Akane asked. "What mineral is it?"

Kira:  Purplesandite.  Coming soon to a Sailor Moon fanfic near you.

Lurkadis: <groan> 

Hikaru: Could be worse.

Lurkadis: I don't see how.

Hikaru: Escudoite.

Lurkadis: <wince>

	Presea shook her head. "Nobody ever bothered to name it, because it's
absolutely worthless."

SKJAM!:  And so they contiued ignoring the rare purple rubies.

Lurkadis: <chuckle>

	"Oh."
	"In any case," Presea said, "What we seek is a mineral far more

valuable

than the one which makes this blasted sand purple. We're hunting

Escudo."

Kira:  Escudo season!

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	"So....where're we gonna find it?" Ryouga asked.
	Presea pointed north. "Go over those dunes. You'll know the tunnels of

the 

SKJAM!:  Giving directions to Ryouga?  She don't know him too well, do 
she? 

Lurkadis: Not at all. 

wasteworms when you see them. Be careful...the worms are tough, and

very

nasty. You'll need to find the heart of their nesting catacombs, to

reach

the Escudo."
	The group groaned. "Oh, wonderful," Akane said.

Kira:  Looking forward to trying her new giant worm recipe.

Lurkadis: <piku> So *that*'s what she was cooking...

Hikaru: Uhh, actually, Lurkadis-kun, that was fish sausage...

Lurkadis: <bllllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh>

	"This must be my punishment for making fun of that big worm thing in

that

last Star Wars movie," Ukyou muttered.

SKJAM!:  No, not getting Ranma is your punishment for *that*.

Lurkadis: I'm thinking seriously of ditching the Star Wars joke here,
because this part is just screaming for a Dune joke. Advice?

	"Well, we'd best get started," Mousse said. The others nodded, and the
five martial artists began their trek across the dunes.

Kira:  Beam us up, Scotty!

Lurkadis: <groan>

	As they walked, Akane said, "By the way, Ryouga..."
	Ryouga blinked, then swallowed nervously. "H...hai, Akane-san?"
	Akane smirked. "I forgot about it earlier, but we need to have a

little

talk..."

SKJAM!:  Danger!  Danger, Ryouga Hibiki!

Lurkadis: <evil snicker>

	Ukyou, Mousse, and Shampoo flinched as Ryouga's screams of pain rang

out

across the desert. A lightning bolt spiked down from the sky, slamming

into

one of the nearby dunes, spraying the amethyst sand in all directions. 
	"Boy, she's really ticked," Ukyou said. Shampoo and Mousse nodded.

Kira:  Wait till she gets arthured.
 

Lurkadis: -_-* <mallets Kira>

	"Pig-boy bring down on own head," Shampoo said. "Still, Shampoo think
violent tomboy getting trigger-happy with lightning magic."
	"RYOUGA NO BAAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SKJAM!:  Don't we normally only get that many exclamation points during 
climax scenes in lemons?

Lurkadis: There's an explanation for this.

Hikaru: <groans> Oh, NO...

Lurkadis: <evil smile> Studies show that Akane actually gets off on beating
the living tar out of people. Thus, the number of exclamation points there,
and the frequency of her violent rampages. 

Hikaru: <covers her face, embarrassed> (Thinking: Get me outta here before
someone mistakes me for his girlfriend, please?)

	A small thunderstorm erupted over the recently blasted dune. It ended

as

suddenly as it began. The trio watched with morbid curiosity as a tiny
black shape rocketed into the sky, plummeting to the ground moments

later,

burying itself in the sand upon impact. After a few moments, the black
shape stretched into a bruised, battered, and charred Hibiki Ryouga.

Akane

rejoined the group, pointedly turning her nose up at the lost boy. 

Kira:  (Akane voice) I need a cigarette.

Lurkadis: <snicker>

Hikaru: <groan> (Thinking: Damn that stone skin! I want to smack him with
my sword so bad...!)

	"I...think we should get back to looking for the Escudo," Ukyou said.
Ryouga numbly dragged himself to his feet, and the group continued on

their

way.
	After a short hike, they topped the crest of a particularly large

dune.

Shampoo gasped. "Aiyah. Shampoo think this the place."

SKJAM!:  to put the new branch Nekohanten.

Kira:  to start turning back.

Lurkadis: To drill for oil...

Hikaru: To bury a certain chimera...

Lurkadis: What was that?

Hikaru: <sweetly> Nothing, nothing! ^_^

	Below them lay a deep, circular valley. The valley was ringed by high
dunes, and was easily two kilometers wide, perhaps more. a thick, deep

SKJAM!:  Capitalization.

Lurkadis: Ack! 

black ring separated the dunes from the valley, which was littered with
dozens of irregular holes. 

Kira:  Oi've got a hole in me pocket!

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	Ryouga prodded the black stuff with his cudgel. It squelched.

Extracting

the weapon, he examined the stain on the end of it, and nodded. "It's
definitely shit," he said. "And judging from the smell, I'd say it's
probably worm shit." He ground the end of his weapon into the sand,
cleaning off the fecal matter.

Kira:  When did this turn into a Tarantino fic?

Lurkadis: Don't blame me! I had my back turned when it happened.

	"That explains the ring of shit," Ryouga said.
	With less resolve than she had before, Ukyou said, "Well, if we gotta

do

it, I guess we gotta do it. Let's go find the Escudo."
	Grimacing, the five teens made for the nearest hole.

SKJAM!:  Oy gevalt.  And what part of the collective subconcious of 
Cephiro came up with *that* bit of ecology?

Lurkadis: Hey, it takes all kinds...

	As the group approached the worm tunnels, Mousse suggested, "Perhaps

we

had best split up. There's no telling how deep these tunnels are, or if
they even run to the same place."

Kira:  The *good* news is you won't accidentally step into the toilet

area.

Lurkadis: <chuckle>

	Ryouga nodded. "He's right. Besides, these tunnels aren't wide enough

for

more than one person to fight in. If we tried to pair up, we'd end up
attacking each other more than the worms."

SKJAM!:  I.E., acting like normal.

Lurkadis: <grin>

	Ukyou grumbled as she landed. Nearby, she saw a smaller worm than the

one

which had eaten the bird on the surface. It was nudging along a much
smaller worm, about the size of a Rottweiler. The smaller worm was
squeaking softly, and occassionally would turn around and almost

playfully

nip at the larger worm. Chuckling to herself at what was obviously a

baby

at play, Ukyou silently tiptoed past the pair of worms, who paid her no
heed, and made her way further down.

SKJAM!:  Thus missing the horrific scene of child abuse about to take

place.

Lurkadis: <chuckle> Good one.

	Shampoo slid down, down, down...ugh. What the...? She blinked, and

looked

around. "Is dark," she said. She stood, and the ground squelched and
shifted beneath her feet. "Stink worse here than surface," she noted.

It

was also very slimy. She looked around for light, and found it, above

her,

visible through a shrinking orifice...
	SHRINKING ORIFICE!?

Kira:  Oops, should have noticed those teeth.

Lurkadis: What teeth? These are like the worms from Dune. ...I don't think
those had teeth...

	The sand packed in the ceiling of the tunnel began to shift, and caved

in

on Ryouga's head, as the wall bent, and turned around to face him...or
rather, to smack him upside the head. Ryouga barely had time to use a

spell

to clear a path in the sand before him before the hit stunned him

silly.

Kira:  As opposed to stunning him serious, as Akane had earlier done.

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	Mousse was using sets of raking talons and wrist blades as climbing

tools,

and was sticking to the ceiling of the tunnel. He managed to make it

past

all the worms without being spotted. He soon reached a large, open

cavern,

with various tunnels feeding into it from all directions. Worms milled
about, shoving around mounds of sand and manure, and in one corner he

could

see larger worms feeding pre-masticated corpses to baby worms the size

of

SKJAM!:  (Baby worm voice):  Mooom!  Mine still has prickly bits in it! 

Kira:  (mother worm voice):  You know how hard it is to clean all the 
shuriken out of ninja, dear.  Just spit out the metal.

Lurkadis: <LOL>

Readying a chain with a grappling hook, Mousse fired it at the lip of

the

tunnel Akane was emerging from, and released the chain, letting it

trail

off to the floor of the cavern. Akane blinked, then looked around.

Spotting

Mousse, she gave him a thumbs-up, and climbed down. 

Kira:  By the way, isn't Mousse able to fly now?

Lurkadis: Yeah, but what good's that gonna do him underground? Besides,
we'll see him doing some more flying soon enough...

	As Mousse made his way over to Akane, two shadows flitted out of

another

tunnel. The two humans blinked as one of the shadows grabbed the other

and

threw it across the cavern, sending it flying back down the tunnel. The
shadow seemed to be human-shaped, and female. After a moment's

confusion,

Akane nodded, and whispered, "What happened, Shampoo?" 

Kira:  (Shampoo voice)  Shampoo stay out in sun too long, get really bad 
burn.

Lurkadis: O_O Yeah, that'd be a radiation burn, wouldn't it?

	Shampoo silently slid up the wall, and melted out of it, returning to

her

normal state. "Stupid worm try swallow Shampoo. Shampoo turn worm into
shadow, but worm attack Shampoo. Fight as shadow all way here." She
frowned. "Where here?"

SKJAM!:  No, *here* here.

Lurkadis: Here there. There where? Where here.

Hikaru: <sigh>

	"The central cavern of the worm nest, I'd guess," Mousse said. 

Kira:  No, this is just the daycare center.  The central cavern is *much*

larger.

Lurkadis: Yep, even has a sun roof and an atrium...

Hikaru: Anou, Lurkadis-kun? That wasn't a cave, that was a fossilized
dinosaur heart...

	A sharp whisper from above hissed, "Incoming!" The group scattered as

a

large spatula hurtled down and imbedded itself into the ground. Its

handle

extended upward, forming a smooth, round metal pole, similar to one

found

in a fire station. Ukyou slid down the pole, which shrank as she

descended,

until it was once again a spatula handle. Retrieving the spatula and
slinging it across her back, Ukyou smiled. "Hi guys. Anything

interesting

going on?"

SKJAM!:  No, just some prechewed corpses.

Lurkadis: <nod> Quite boring stuff actually.

	Akane shifted nervously. Ukyou's entrance had apparently gained some
attention among the worms. "We're about to have company, you guys,"

Akane

said, pointing at a few large worms which seemed to be staring at them.

Kira:  Quick, show them your giant worm recipe!

Lurkadis: Yeah, anything would scream in terror and run the other way if
Akane was planning to cook it.

Hikaru: <nod> It'd go find something that'd make it taste good.

	"Aiyah!"
	Ukyou grumbled. "Dammit! I should be more careful."

SKJAM!:  (Ukyou voice)  I was supposed to be out of range when they ate 
you, leaving Ranma all to me!

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	Suddenly, the worms were upon them.  The four warriors blazed into

action,

striking out with their weapons and the occassional spell, knocking

worms

unconscious or cleaving them in twain. The fight was going well, as the
worms could not hope to match the fighters in skill...only in numbers. 

Kira:  Until one worm slithered forth.  One wearing a belt engraved with 
the words "Champion, 1997 Squirm-Fu World Challenge".

Lurkadis: <ROFL!>

Hikaru: <giggling> Tell me I didn't just see that...

	"Speak of the pig," Akane muttered. 

Kira:  Boy, chapters of nothing, and now...

Lurkadis: <snort>

	"Is that...Escudo?" Akane wondered.

SKJAM!:  Nope, it's "fool's Escudo", which looks just like it but breaks 
if used as a weapon.

Lurkadis: <groan>\

	"Aiyah! We find mineral!" Shampoo said.
	"Let's get it!" Mousse cheered, as the five teens made a dash for the
legendary mineral.

Kira:  Oh, sure, try to beat the Escudo into submission.

Lurkadis: Hey, they try to beat everything *else* into submission...

	Everyone blinked.

SKJAM!:  Twice in three paragraphs.

Lurkadis: They need to have that checked then, ay wot? 

	The worm seemed to scowl. "You come into my catacombs uninvited," it
mumbled, "disrupt the tunnels, kill members of my family, and have the
audacity to poke me in the tail. This, I cannot forgive."

Kira:  But for large sums of money, I can forget.

Lurkadis: It's a worm, Kira, not Nabiki.

	The Godworm spoke again. "I'm going to make you an offer, you can't
refuse. I'm going to eat all of you alive. You can enjoy the rest of

your

life being digested."

SKJAM!:  Okay, *this* is Ukyou's punishment for making fun of Star Wars.

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	Ryouga glared at the worm. "I owe you for knocking me around like

that."

SKJAM!:  Do you take American Express?

Lurkadis: Never leave home without it...whenever you manage to find your
home...

	"You got a lot of nerve, worm. Let's see what some worm okonomiyaki

tastes

like!"
	"Eeew, let's not."
	"Shampoo make stupid fat worm shut ugly fat mouth!"
	"The early bird catches the worm. I'm the earliest bird you'll ever

know."

	Everyone blinked at Mousse, who shrugged. "Hey, it sounded good."

Kira:  At least when Sailor Venus said it.

Lurkadis: <chuckle>

	The Godworm surged forward. "Die!" it roared, although the roar came

out

as more of a belch. A veritable cloud of its foul breath struck the

young

warriors, making them drop to their knees gagging. 

SKJAM!:  Too much garlic on the linguini again.

Lurkadis: <LOL>

	"Distract it," Ryouga wheezed. "I'm going to cast a spell to send it

back

where it came from."

Kira:  Straight to Robert Morrison's brain?  Gonna be a tight fit.

Lurkadis: ...

Hikaru: O_o

Lurkadis: .... HEY!!!!!!!!! <mutters> yarou teme...

Hikaru: <giggle>

	"Alright," Akane said, frowning at the lost boy. Turning her attention

to

the Godworm, she shouted, "Okay worm, take this!" Leaping at its head

with

her mallet in hand, she let out a mighty battle yell. The ceiling of

the

cavern erupted, and lightning spiked down into the mallet's haft,

sparking

around its steel head, as Akane shouted, "HAMMER OF THOR!" 

SKJAM!:  So now she's Thor?

Kira:  Thould've uthed a thaddle.

Lurkadis: You can't be theriouth...

	She struck the massive worm, and a bright flash of lightning exploded

from

her hammer. The Godworm roared in agony and rage as it slithered

backwards

from Akane, who touched off of its head with her foot, and somersaulted
backwards, landing in a ready position. 

SKJAM!:  I didn't think Akane was that kind of girl.

Lurkadis: <smashes a gong over SKJAM!'s head> Baka!

	"What the hell's that supposed to do?" it mumbled.

SKJAM!:  Convince your fellow worms you're a werewolf.

Lurkadis: <snicker>

	"My turn," Mousse said. He pulled a number of hooked chains from his
robes, and threw them at the Godworm. Although it twisted its body out

of

the way of the chains, Mousse smirked as the hooks passed its injured

tail.

He jerked on the chains, and they snapped backwards, the hooks digging

into

the wounded flesh of the tail, and holding fast. "SENOBAITO!" Mousse

Kira:  (Shampoo voice)  Mousse watch too many bad movie on VCR.

Lurkadis: <cackle>

	Ryouga nodded, and raised his hands. The ground began trembling.
"Everyone, get as far from the worm as you can, and *GET DOWN!* he

shouted.

SKJAM!:  Ryouga wants to boogie!

Lurkadis: <sings> Play that funky music lost boy....

	Ryouga nodded, and concentrated. The ground rumbled, and five sharp
crystals peeked up from the wreckage. With a gesture, Ryouga flung the
mineral crystals out of the rocks, bringing them for a safe landing

among

the five warriors. 

SKJAM!:  It was then that Zoicite made his move, leaping from nowhere to 
grab the crystals for the Dark Kingdom.

Zoicite: <blinks, and rereads the script> Hey, wait a sec...what am I doing
here? <teleports into the right fanfic>

	"Sugoi!" Ukyou said.
	"You really handle that stone magic well," Mousse commented.
	Ryouga shrugged. "Must be from all my experience with the Bakusai
Tenketsu," he said. 

Kira:  Or because your head is mostly rock.

Hikaru: <giggle>

Lurkadis: -_-* I resemble that remark, thank you...

	"Okay, now how do we get outta here?" Ukyou wondered.

Kira:  Click your heels together three times, close your eyes, and say 
"There's no place like home."

Lurkadis: It's Cephiro, not Oz. That doesn't work here.

 > 	Ryouga frowned. "I dunno. I'm pretty spent 
for magic," he said.

	"Hmm," Akane rubbed her chin. "Aha! I know! Everyone gather around

me."

SKJAM!:  She'll crush you into tiny balls and throw you out.

Lurkadis: He's close!

	The others gathered around Akane, who concentrated and murmured a few
chants. A strong breeze picked up around them, forming a slight

whirlwind.

As the others grew nervous, Akane's chanting became more frantic, until

her

eyes snapped open, and she shouted, "SANDSTORM!"

Kira:  In an enclosed space?  Owie.

Lurkadis: No *kidding* owie.

	The wind howled, as purple sand shrouded them, stinging their skin and
cutting visibility to zero. The winds rose, and began blasting the sand
straight up. The five martial arts mages were sucked into the vortex,

and

blasted upward.

SKJAM!:  Right through the dark ring.

Lurkadis: Probably took most of it with them on the way up...

Hikaru: <retches>

	Clef's eyes widened. "A sandstorm?" he asked. Presea handed him her
binoculars. As the master wizard watched, a purple column of whirling

sand

erupted from the valley of the worm tunnels. Five figures were flung

out of

the twister, which began dying down.

SKJAM!:  What are the Samurai Troopers doing here?

Lurkadis: Not much, if I have anything to say about it...

Thanks for the MST!

--------------------------------------------------------------------
-Lurkadis Lavenwers-

EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net

I was working in the lab, late last night
When my nose received an eerie fright
The monsters had all been out eating chili
The smell was bad enough to knock me silly

They had the gas! 	They had the Monster Gas
The Monster Gas!  	Seeping out of their ass
They had the gas! 	Need to take away their beans
The Monster Gas! 	The stench is rotting out my spleen




Hallowed be thy Weenie. Happy?
-------------------------------------------------------------------