SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament BETA :
Round 3 Results
A Street Fighter / Darkstalkers / Toshinden / Ranma 1/2
Samurai Showdown / Groove On Fight / Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles / And Many Others Reader-Voting
Tournament Fanfic
by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright other people, obviously. If I
ever even considered claiming that these were my own
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
I'd be forced to eat my own super combos to live.)
-=-
AUTHOR'S NOTE : Whee. This tournament is some fun you bet...
lots of groovy votes, once again. I've gotten some requests to
post the tourney to other newsgroups, like the other tourney fiks
are, but since I didn't know Standard Operating Procedure to
begin with and like to be consistent, I'll stick to the three
main resources : FFML, RAAC, Spoof Chase Homepage. (I've had
some problems uploading to SC's server, sorry about the delay in
propagating R3 there.)
.....however, if my idea for the next tournament spectacle pans
out, we may see it showing up on other locations..... you have
been warned.
Couple quick notes. Phil Hale was the first to ID the South Park
joke (Jesus vs. Santa Claus), which for those not in the know is
a reference to 'The Spirit of Christmas', where the J-Man and
S.C. Phat get wicked on each other, japanese video game style.
Kickass! Voting results on that were :
[SANTA (64), Jesus (58), Kenny (1), Brian Boitano (2), and
'Not Touching That One With a 30 Foot Pole' (1).]
-=-
MATCH 1 : KASUMI vs. SPLINTER
The staring contest was approaching the ten minute mark.
Splinter stood rock still, eyes locked into Kasumi's glazed
over stare, his eyes patient and open to the world. He twitched
not a muscle, not a whisker. He was calm meditation embodied.
But Kasumi didn't even have to meditate. Her normal state
of mind was one which required very little neurons firing, and
when Splinter suggested the staring contest, Kasumi simply sat
quite normally still and looked at him, waiting for him to
explain what a staring contest was. It'd be impolite to ask him
directly, of course, so she'd just calmly wait. Coincidentally,
she didn't blink while doing this.
The audience also was in on the staring contest, not wanting
to blink themselves, lest they miss the one crucial flap of an
eyelid that might decide the match. Breath was held in as the
arena remained absolutely quiet. You could hear a pin drop, but
the tension was so thick that a dropped pin would probably start
six heart attacks.
Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at
Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi
looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at
Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter
looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at
Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi
looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at
Kasumi looked at Splinter looked at Kasumi looked at Splinter
looked at Splinter.
Ten minutes passed silently; the match was in overtime, with
a quiet nod from the Lord to allow it to go on.
Another ten minutes passed.
And more. More.
Kasumi's Tamagotchi beeped.
Splinter blinked in surprise, and the match was over.
"Oh, excuse me," Kasumi said, pulling the little white egg
from her apron. "I need to feed little Pichi."
[RESULT : WINNER KASUMI (72 votes), Splinter (54 votes).]
"This is fate," Splinter shrugged. "To use the most
honorable and ancient proverb, shit happens..."
As medic angels carted out the six people who had heart
attacks when the Tamagotchi went off, Skuld ran up to greet
Kasumi.
"Congratulations on winning!" she didn't say. "Can I see
your Tamagotchi?" she said instead.
"Why, certainly," Kasumi said, passing the little virtual
pet onna keychain over.
"I've never seen one of those before, but I've heard--
Hey... it's just a toy!"
"But a very cute one, ne?"
"Hmmmmmmmmmm... mind if I... upgrade this?.."
MATCH 2 : CASEY JONES vs. NARIO
It was weird. Casey had to admit this, it was weird, even
by his standards which were quite off the sanity meter.
The thing confronting him, a weird yet compellingly cute and
mascot like thing with a plumber's dress? and flaming yellow
hair. And of course, a big cute but very sharp sword.
After considering the weirdness he turned on the Psycho
Power (defined as being powerful because you're a complete psycho
who ignores reality) and charged, screaming and waving a baseball
bat.
Nario cut the bat in half evenly.
Casey considered the half-bat in his hands, and swung that
at Nario instead.
Cut! 1/4th of a bat. Swing! Cut! 1/8th. Etc, until all
Casey had was a tiny stub of wood.
This continued for a minute, with Casey pulling weapon after
weapon and having them cut to little chunks, until he was
standing in a one foot deep pile of scrapwood.
"Give up yet?!" Nario asked, swinging hir sword around in a
flashy arc.
"You may have beaten my weapons," Casey said... "But you
will never defeat... MY DISCO FEVER!!!"
With that, a mirrored ball descended from the arena ceiling,
the floor lit up with flashing colored squares, Casey tore off
his uniform revealing the white polyester suit underneath that
matched his hockey mask, and stuck a pose -- one finger pointed
in the air, hand on hips.
Skuld fell over. "NANI?! Oneechan, what's going on?"
"I think the overall weirdness level overloaded
Yggdrasil95(tm)," Urd commented, checking a computer readout.
On the stage/fighting floor, Nario chuckled, striking a
similar pose. "I, too, possess the burning fire of DISCO! The
challenge is issued!"
With that, 'Stayin' Alive' pumping through the speakers, the
two locked in mortal disco combat, they shimmied and shaked their
way around each other, trying to outdo the other's moves and
grooves. The audience got into it, shaking their money makers,
finding wigs and platform shoes and bell bottoms to put on.
But Nario, combined of the two most agile and bouncy things
ever to exist in this world, was clearly the superior dancer.
Able to spin and jump and flip and do all sorts of moves lunky
Casey Jones couldn't keep up with, she outlasted the
psychotically funky vigilante with great ease.
Before the ten minutes were up, Casey was already panting,
out of breath. Nario raised hir sword high.
"There can BE only one Disco King!" Nario declared, and
bonked Casey on the head with the sword. By virtue of a very
thick skull, C.J. was knocked out, and the match was over.
[RESULT : WINNER NARIO (83 votes), CASEY JONES (43 votes).]
"Okay, reality should be back to normal now," Skuld said,
adjusting Yggdrasil95's levels. "I think there was a bug in the
DirectKarma 5.0 library."
"Or someone just didn't know what the heck to write in a
fight between these two," Urd chuckled.
"Oneesan, He already told you. No breaking character."
"Eh? Oh. Sorry."
MATCH 3 : EVIL SAKURA vs. B.B. HOOD
Sakura got hit head on by the missile, blasting her out of
the arena.
"I win, I win!" B.B. cheered. "I'm a winner, I'm a winner,
I believe in ME!"
But actually, while B.B. was doing her touchdown dance,
Sakura had managed to hang onto the rocket, turning it around in
midair, flying right back into the arena and towards the Hood.
Sparky, B.B.'s adorable little puppy, constructed a small
blast shelter and put on a helmet before pointing out the
incoming Scud to his kawaii owner. "Bark bark!" he pointed out,
before diving for cover.
The little girl of death blinked, turned around, and
collided with the explosive rocket and Sakura head on. There was
a deafening roar of a blast, the whitehot inferno of a missile
strike.
B.B. Hood shook her head, trying to clear it. "B.B.-chan
hates being blown up," she muttered, pulling herself up off the
ground and dusting soot out of her cloak... and coming face to
face with Evil Sakura. Who didn't look happy.
The Hood jumped back, pulling her Uzi to unleash some good
old fashioned lead spraypaint on the possessed fighter. Sakura
reared back as well, spinning red fire into her hands, forming a
hearty Dragonball-sized blast of ki. It was just a question of
who would get to fire first.
B.B. Hood pulled the trigger, quicker on the draw. The uzis
clicked, jammed, and popped apart in her hands. (This sort of
thing never happens to Lara Croft...)
"Um," she had to say about this, before Sakura annihilated
her with the fireball.
When the smoke cleared, B.B. was scorched, her cloak burned
completely off, leaving her only in her Spiderman Underoos.
"WAAAAAAAH!!" B.B. shrieked, turning as red as her former
bonnet in embarrassment. She ran forward and SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP
SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPPED Sakura around, as physics say small
embarrassed girls are allowed to do to any hentai, then ran out
of the ring to get away from the cameras.
[RESULT : WINNER SAKURA (79 votes), B.B. HOOD (47 votes).]
Evil Sakura, the living incarnation of murderous hatred,
stood quite stunned with both cheeks red from the little girl's
slapfest. This was not the sort of thing that was supposed to
happen to evil demons.
While she was busy trying to recover emotionally from being
treated like a cheap comedy gag, David sneaked up and stuck the
ward on her forehead.
A scream tore through the air from no human throat as evil
power was torn from Sakura's soul, pouring through the kanji
written on the ward like a sieve. Sakura twitched wildly, the
black fires filtering between herself, the paper and the air, and
with a final gasp of agony, collapsed.
"YATTA!" David cheered. "I did it! I exorcised Sakura!..
um. Sakura? Can you hear me?"
Her eyes opened, no longer red and evil. Her fuku was also
back to its normal, cheerful colors. "Wha.. what happened?" she
asked. "I had this really weird dream..."
"Looks like everything's going to be okay now!" David
smiled.
The cloud of evil energy glared down at David, hanging in
the air with no small clay jar to be safely stored in. It seemed
annoyed, billowing in a small etherlike blob of raw hatred and
anger.
"Erm," David replied, noticing this and getting a little
sweatdrop. "I think we should scream, and run."
The two screamed and ran. It followed.
MATCH 4 : UKYOU vs. KIYONE
Ukyou aieeeeeeeed in terror, running around the ring dodging
explosions and flying shrapnel as Kiyone went feral with her
blaster.
"OOOHOHHOOHOHHOOO!!!" Kiyone laughed, shooting all the way.
"No Mihoshi! Fight fight! No have to see Mihoshi if I fight!"
"You're crazy!" Ukyou said, stating the obvious with an air
of wisdom. She took a few spatulas out of her bandolier, hurling
them like shuriken behind her, to try and stop the whacked out
police officer.
They didn't do much good, since Kiyone knocked each out of
the air with a laser shot. But for some reason, the beams that
hit them deflected off to harmlessly kill someone in the crowd.
Banking a lot of hope in the kind of basic science fiction
she had seen on TV, Ukyou whirled around, drawing her finely
polished MegaSpatula(tm), and whacked a shot out of the arena
like a baseball bat; the lightwave energy reflected by the
mirrorlike surface of her spatula.
"OHOOHHOHHOOHOnani?" Kiyone gaped. "HEY! You can't do
that!"
Ukyou closed her eyes, using the Force as best she could,
swinging the spatula up over her head -- off to the left -- sweep
low -- all deflecting the incoming attacks.
The officer hmphed in disgust, chucking her useless blaster
away. "Two can play that game!" she cliched, taking her control
cube and twisting it twice, forming an energy sword.
The two warriors locked gazes, weapons at the ready, some
distance apart. The audience was breathless, waiting for the
first move...
With a war cry, both ran directly at each other, motion
lines running left to right behind them as they charged across
the open field of combat. At the point where life and death
meet, they intersected, both slashing with their weapons... and
stopping after crossing paths, facing away from each other.
A silent moment echoed nothingness... then Kiyone fell over,
defeated.
"I... won..." Ukyou proclaimed, and also collapsed to the
ground.
[RESULT : WINNER UKYOU (64 votes), Kiyone (62 votes).]
"I think they're both going to need some medics," Urd said.
"Should know better than to try the old two-samurais-running-at-
each-other thing from the movies."
EXHIBITION MATCH 1 : EARTHQUAKE vs. SEPHIROTH
Nature ran away with its tail between its legs. Physics
decided to have a good stiff drink. Reality gave up and quietly
denied anything that was going on.
Earthquake and Sephiroth were equally matched in terms of
powers to wreak havoc and tear the fabric of space and time to
shreds, and thanks to Devilot's boosting, the ass-master ninja
was actually able to use it. The two locked in a stalemate, with
phenomenal cosmic powers flying around them in all directions;
crackling arcs of lightning, great gouts of flame and unearthly
green clouds of plasmic energy.
The problem was that while Earthquake was constantly
struggling to control his end of the psychic war, Sephiroth
hadn't even broken a sweat.
"Had... enough?!" EQ asked, from inside the maelstrom of
swirling hellfire.
"Yes," Sephiroth nodded, and exploded with raw power, an
everwidening sphere of white light which nothing could resist.
Akira would have turned green with envy.
Everything in the dimension went away, negated and turned
inside out by the intensity of the blast. Reality, torn from its
roots, flailed around to try and find a grip. Eventually, the
cosmos itself gave up and Subdimension THX1138, the arena for the
fight, was no more than a null void with Sephiroth floating in
the absolute center. Earthquake was mysteriously absent.
"How boring," Sephiroth yawned.
[RESULT : WINNER SEPHIROTH (96 votes), Earthquake (30 votes).]
"What.. a... MAN!!" Urd proclaimed, pining cutely with her
hands clasped to her chest. "He's big and strong and has nice
hair and can annihilate universes! WOOWOO! When's the date?!"
"After we pay the bill to Industrial Light and Magic for
that fight," Skuld said, showing Urd the receipt. The fee had a
lot of zeros attached.
Urd facefaulted.
EXHIBITION MATCH 2 : DAN vs. SAGAT
Sagat reeled in shock.
Dan had hit him.
DAN had hit him.
DAN!
And look!
Dan just hit him AGAIN!
The pinko warrior laughed. "HA HA! You see, Sagat, today,
I am a WARRIOR! This is your ultimate end, so I proclaim it!"
Sagat spat out a loose tooth, furious. "What makes you
think you're gonna--"
"DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!" Dan yelled, flinging himself in
the air, kicking haphazardly. Sagat raised an arm to block, and
STILL got whacked upside the head and knocked flat. It was
unbelievable! Unacceptable. So, Sagat reached up to the
gloating fighter, and calmly broke Dan's arm.
"Aaaaaarahghagh!!!" Dan cried, grabbing at his useless limb.
"Right. Now stand aside," Sagat demanded, getting to his
feet and towering a good two feet over the limping warrior.
"HAH! It's only a scratch!" Dan boasted. "C'mere, I'll
beat you with one arm tied behind my back!"
Sagat grabbed Dan's other arm and snapped it neatly.
"Ow," Dan admitted.
"Victory is mine," Sagat laughed. He turned to leave, and
felt rather annoyed when Dan began to try and headbutt him.
"Chicken! Chicken!" Dan taunted.
"Look, I'll have your leg!" Sagat growled. "RIGHT!"
Sagat broke Dan's leg.
And yet, this didn't deter Dan, who hopped on his remaining
foot, bumping into Sagat a few times. "Have at you!!"
"What're you gonna do, bleed on me?" Sagat gaped.
"Time for games and obscure cultural references is OVER!"
Dan stated, gritting his teeth from determination (and intense
pain). "Now, to show you my ultra hidden invincible ultimate
final attack!"
Dan concentrated his Ki, gliding forward with a purple blur
behind him, and managed somehow to grab onto Sagat.
"OYAJIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!" he screamed, and EXPLODED.
A blinding white light poured from the arena, as what was
now a familiar technique seemed to repeat itself... when the
light passed, Dan was coughing up smoke, but at least he was
standing. Sagat was unconscious, flat against the ground with
the kanji for HECK blazing in the sky.
The Somewhat Instant Heck Cripple had shown its face, and it
was indeed ugly.
[RESULT : WINNER DAN (92 votes), Sagat (34 votes).]
"Good work, son," Dan's dad said, clapping politely from the
sidelines.
Dan fell over in shock. "Oy... OYAJI!?!"
"Yes?"
"But... you're DEAD!!"
"I am?" Dan's Dad asked, confused. "No I'm not."
"Then where have you been for the last five years?!" Dan
gagged.
"I was at home."
"..."
"You didn't notice?"
"Well... I didn't go home much. I was too busy training to
avenge you..."
"Oh. Well, good work anyway, boy."
Dan fainted.
"I don't get it, oneesan," Skuld asked. "How on earth could
Mr. Dan not have seen his dad?"
Urd shrugged. "How is it Ryouga rarely can find his way
home? Same thing... Dan's family name is Hibiki, after all..."
EXHIBITION MATCH 3 : CAMMY vs. MAI vs. SOFIA
"Harlot!"
"Bitch!"
"Slut!"
"Man-stealer!"
The fight was on.
Encouraged by the fake photos to kick her fellow woman's
ass, the three girls wrestled in chocolate pudding in small
costumes while half the audience drooled and the other half
considered slapping the first half in the name of good taste.
"AHAHAHA!" the Lord giggled. "Look at the ratings! 84%
viewer rating! A new high for the tournament!"
Yep, it was a knock down pudding flinging hair pulling cat
scratching good time to be had by all, like a fight scene out of
a cheap 50's jungle amazon movie. Mojos rose all over the world
as spectators enjoyed the brawl.
"Homewrecker!"
"Tramp!"
"Whore!
"Kreng!"
"Qu'vatlh!!"
*RIIIIP*
"AIEEE!"
And suddenly, a big fuzzy blue dot appeared over the enter
arena, covering it from any angle.
God gaped. "Wha?"
"Gomen nasai," Belldandy apologized, "But we can't have any
nudity or gratuitous acts in this tournament. It wouldn't be
proper. So I cast the 'FCC' spell."
From behind the blue dot came more cursing, and thrown
pudding, and fighting sounds. Eventually the girls graduated to
ki attacks and there were a few explosions; finally, the dust
(and dessert) had settled, and Belldandy removed the censorship
spell.
Mai was the last person standing, covered in chocolate
sauce, panting. "Alright... who wants s'more?!" she growled.
[RESULT : WINNER MAI (64 votes), Cammy (48 votes), Sofia (14).]
"That wasn't any fun at all," God whined.
"No offense intended sir," Belldandy smiled sweetly, "But
your backwards chauvinistic hentai methods to degrade women
weren't any fun at all, either. Although I mean that in all due
respect."
"Bell... that was... almost impolite!"
"Gomen nasai, sir. It won't happen again."
God considered. "Okay, that'll do for round three... two
more quick rounds and I can start packing my bags and getting
ready to visit Tahiti. Everything's working out! What could
possibly go wrong?"
"SIR!" Urd yelled, running up the stairs. "Sakura's former
dark energy just took over the medical building! It's going to
assimilate all of heaven if it's not stopped!"
"Oh, bugger," God groaned.
AND SO, AFTER ROUND THREE, THE RESULTS ARE :
ROUND ONE ROUND TWO ROUND THREE ROUND FOUR FINAL
Dan \_Dan_________
Michelangelo / \_Kasumi______
Kasumi \_Kasumi______/ \
P. Toadstool / \_Kasumi______
Popura \_David_______ / \
David / \_Splinter____/ \
Birdie \_Splinter____/ \
Splinter / \____?____
C. Jones \_C._Jones____ /
M.A.D. / \__C._Jones___ /
Kuroko \_Kuroko______/ \ /
Kunou / \_Mario/Naru__/
Mizuki \_Mario_______ /
Mario / \__Mario/Naru_/
Luigi \_Naru________/
Naru /
SD-Sakura \_Nicotine____
Nicotine / \_Evil_Sakura_
Sakura \_Sakura______/ \
L. Raptor / \_Sakura______
Chin \_Vermillion__ / \
Vermillion / \_B.B._Hood___/ \
S. Kensou \_B.B._Hood___/ \
B.B. Hood / \____?____
SD-Akuma \_SD-Akuma____ /
Athena / \_Ukyou_______ /
Anita \_Ukyou_______/ \ /
Ukyou / \_Ukyou_______/
Kiyone \_Kiyone______ /
Remi / \_Kiyone______/
Mihoshi \_Mihoshi_____/
Devilot /
Will Sakura and David survive the wrath of Liquid Badness?
Will Skuld upgrade Kasumi's Tamagotchi in really scary ways?
Will Devilot's plans ever see light of day?
Will we decide to jam rounds four and five together to save time?
What exactly will happen to the universe at large?
All these questions and more, answered, when Round 4 of Magical
Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament BETA arrives at a newsgroup,
mailing list or website near you.
QUICK ADDENDUM.
I'm having a little problem deciding what to do about round four and the
final round... so here's my idea.
What if I have in R4's voting form a second part where you can vote on
Final Round's outcome based on the four possible matchups? So, first you
vote on who wins in Round Four, then you vote on who wins in the final
if we have : Kasumi/Sakura, Nario/Sakura, Kasumi/Ukyou, Nario/Ukyou.
Then R4Results would have R4R, FINAL, and FINAL RESULTS. Wow!
Sound keen? Mail me your thoughts of how you think we should proceed.
Address it to twoflowr@glue.umd.edu, with subject 'Tourney Planning'
please; don't just reply to this story or use an empty subject, to make
my life easier.
ALSO : Make suggestions for the Final Boss! I have one in mind, but
the funniest suggestions I receive will win, as their prize, a sneak
preview of the idea I'm considering for my next big fighting fanfic
epic........
.-------------------------------------------------.
| SENDTO : twoflowr@glue.umd.edu |
| SUBJECT : Tourney Planning |
| DEADLINE : Nov. 19th |
| HOW TO HANDLE R4 and FINAL : |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
| FINAL BOSS and WHY : |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
| _______________________________________________ |
`-------------------------------------------------'
I know that's a short deadline, but I just want a light sampling of
comments before proceeding to Round 4, so I know where to go.
THANKS!!!!
-Stefan Gagne