El Hazard, Untitled at this moment.

From: Key <michael.h.chen@yale.edu>

Shayla sighed as she arched her back and let the sun 

warm her.

A little more setup of the situation would be nice here.  How about Shayla

setting up her chair, looking around to see where she is exactly and then

thinking about why things are calm?

   "I can't believe you!" cried Fatora as she stared at Rune.  

"How could you do this to me?"  The news was most 

shocking, something that Fatora had never expected.

You're saying the same thing here in three different ways.  Fatora's

speech, her actions and some editorial comment on your part.  Why not drop

that last bit and work on the action?

mocked Fatora, who 

wasn't up to the mood to hear her older sister talk

Good, show this in her actions.

then life could be just a stream of constant fun, 

like Alielle, Shayla.

Is this last part a list?

Alielle was doing her best to comfort Fatora, but not 

even the most passionate touching, feeling, fondling 

worked at all.

Work this into the previous paragraphs.

It was past midnight, and the princess was sitting in bed, 

staring at nothing,

Ah, there was a change of scene in there.  Must have missed it.

However, being sandwiched tightly between two people 

like peanut butter in a sandwich proved to be quite 

distracting for him.  He just couldn't focus on the tome in 

his lap,

This I don't see.  Maybe if the book was on a table they could snuggle him

to death.

only to 

have a wine glass placed into her hand.

You're trying to make him seem slick, but he's only coming across as rude

to me.

Shayla had already drained her glass, 

which had been filled with wine of the utmost potency.

Hmm... didn't see the lemon tag at the start of this one.



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb

    Any sufficiently cool technology is indistinguishable from religion.