phongb9@idt.net (D.Fire) wrote:

Comments would be nice, even if "I like" or "I don't like"

Please, no flames.

Hmmm, the guy called "Fire" doesn't like flames? :-)

Anyway....

I think this story has potential to be really good. I always thought the
MiB concept was kinda silly, but it's very well utilized here to provide
what could be a very emotional story.

The problem with it, IMO, is something that happens in many otherwise
great fics. The author wants to get Ranma away from Akane, so he/she
makes Akane totally unreasonable, bashing Ranma with no provocation,
real or imagined. This does the job, but it tends to kill any chance of
reader sympathy for Akane -- which seems to be what you're going for
here. The reader is likely to say "He's lucky to get away from her!"
rather than "Oh, how sad!"

It's not necessary to resort to these extremes to push Ranma and Akane
apart. Read "Challenge of the Heart" by Ronny Hedin, or my own "Lost"
for examples.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics