This is a short Eva fic. It contains spoilers...I guess for around 
the 23rd episode. Spoilers which I did, in fact, seek out and gain 
from _other_ people's fics, members of this mailing list and others,
so thanks to anyone who replied to my info requests!

Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to the Gainax people,
and A.D. Films...not me at all...


Of Ikari and Ayanami
     
(fanfic by Mee Robinson)


     <Not Yui,> he thought numbly, desperately, as his hands 
slowly released the LCL from the tank. They did not tremble. <This 
child is not your wife.>

     He watched in appalled fascination as the form in the tank 
sagged, no longer buoyed or warmed by the LCL, and unaccustomed 
to its own weight. The naked back came into contact with the tank 
wall, and, for the first time, he saw the mouth open, laboring to 
gain breath and sustenance from the thin, unyielding air. The left 
hand twitched and brought itself up to the chest, pressed itself 
into the softness there, trying, it seemed, to push its way through 
the flesh, past the bone, to touch the struggling traitor lungs. His 
own hands, fumbling not once, found the correct control panel and 
opened the tank.

     "Rei," he said, his voice surprisingly soft.

     The girl in the tank opened her eyes, and, for the second time 
in his life, Ikari Gendou stared into the startling crimson eyes 
of a being that would not recognize him. 

     Agony. He resisted the urge to shut his own eyes, to escape that 
unwavering but painfully uncomprehending gaze, to close out the 
too familiar face that showed no love for him. At this moment, it 
does not matter that this will pass in a matter of days. It makes 
no difference that this body, once accustomed to the overwhelming 
array of sensation, will gradually regain the ability to access the 
memories of its predecessor. Whatever pride or hope he will feel 
later, this moment is only pain.

[auth: i know there's a rather abrupt tense change here. i know 
this isn't usually good, but i wasn't sure if, under the circumstances, 
i could do this, or try to do this systematically. i was trying to get 
an effect of immediacy and timelessness, just for the space of 
those sentences...it will actually occur several times in this story...
don't know if it works...]

     <Not Yui,> he told himself again. But the thought was without 
inflection, a calming mantra now, empty of meaning.

     "Rei," he said, this time reaching out to pull the left hand 
away from the body. The flesh was soft, pliant, offering no 
resistance to him. And pale, so pale. He knew - and it felt so 
wrong! - that it would always remain so. 

     At his touch, she ceased moving, her arm lying where he had 
placed it, but the breath continued to come in ragged, panicked 
gasps.

     "Relax," Gendou said, knowing that it was imperative to keep 
talking, but not really knowing why, or for whom. He knew it might 
be days before she was ready to understand human speech again, 
and it might be longer before she spoke. 

     "Your name is Ayanami Rei," he said, his voice still worryingly 
soft, softer than it had been with his late wife, boneless. He 
grabbed at a nearby hospital gown - he had come prepared, after all 
- and swathed it around her shoulders. "_You_ are Ayanami Rei," he 
continued, picking her up in his arms, cradling her. "Do you 
understand?"

     Silence. She was no longer staring at him, her head and limbs 
remained in the position he had left them. And now the pain, 
which until now had been contained, he was sure, and merely 
mental, arced throughout his body, his bare hands, his throat, 
against which her forehead hung, wherever he touched her. He 
tightened his grip, unaware if this hurt her, wanting only not 
to drop her, to break her against the laboratory floor. She made 
no sound. 

     "My name is Ikari Gendou," he continued when he was once 
again capable of speech. "I am the director of NERV operations, 
which you are also a part of."

     "Ayanami Rei." Her voice was low, and monotonous. And 
more startling than a sudden thunderclap on a still summer 
night. Her breath was no longer labored, but almost undetectable, 
unsure and tremulous against his throat.

     "That's right, Rei," he managed to say, his own voice level, 
"That is your name."

     "That is your name." she repeated. "Your name is Ayanami Rei. 
_You_ are Ayanami Rei. Do you understand?"

*****

     Darkness. He can feel it pressing against him, the blackness 
and the empty space. The room is there too, and the woman curled 
up beside him, but he cannot see them, and they are losing substance. 
He can feel his own cramped limbs and tension, his own stale, 
unexpelled breath. He feels as if he will burst, or at least shatter, 
blown apart by his own empty knowledge and hunger, but he will 
not, and he knows this. He has seen the end of the world in 
countless dreams, and has seen himself there. It is happening 
even now, as Tokyo 3 is swallowed by darkness.

     Ritsuko shifted slightly and caressed his shoulder. It was an 
unexpected gesture, not quite tender, but extremely gentle. There 
has always been too much history and shared knowledge between 
them, and no room for love, or even comfort. But they have been 
compatible. Companionable. Tonight will be the last night.

*****

     "You've done this before, Rei. Do you remember?"

     It was true. Rei I had spent hours playing in front of mirrors, 
watching her reflection, and occasionally singing snatches of songs 
that played on the television, which remained continuously on 
when there were no visitors. This Rei merely sat in front of the 
mirror, saying and doing nothing. She would stay where she was 
placed, but would not initiate actions, not even to eat or sleep. 
Gendou found it necessary to visit her three times a day to feed 
her a bowl of rice and vegetable paste. She seemed unable to chew 
her food, and she gagged at the taste of meat and vomited if she 
swallowed any. Most of her nutrition was given intravenously. She 
slept rarely, falling asleep wherever she happened to be. She seemed 
listless.

     The memories of the previous Rei were there. Rei II could speak, 
repeating whatever was said to her in the same dull monotone. 
And she could walk perfectly, providing that she was led by 
the hand. If Gendou stopped, she would stop, and not stir until he 
moved her.

     So unlike Yui. It took all of his strength to keep on feeding her, 
moving her, looking at her face. 

     Today, he was trying to teach her - reacquaint her to the motor 
skills involved in - drinking from a cup. She swallowed readily from 
the glass of juice he held up to her mouth. 

     "Good, Rei," he murmured before picking up her hand and folding 
it around the glass. She held it. "You can do this for yourself." She 
continued to drink, but then her hand and entire arm fell limp, as 
if the weight of the glass was to heavy for her to bear. The glass 
broke under her fingers, cutting them deeply.

     Without speaking, Gendou quickly picked her up and carried her 
to the sink, where he rinsed the hand, examining it for slivers of 
glass. She watched impassively as the blood ran over her wrist, 
washing away. Gendou lifted the hand and held it in front of her 
eyes so that she could follow the sluggish, rhythmic flow, the 
bright red against her white skin. 

     "You've hurt yourself," he said to her, the sharp, copper scent 
of her blood stinging his nostrils, prickling the back of his throat, 
"I know you can feel it. I know you're in there. I know you remember 
me, Rei. You are thirteen years old. You are not an infant."

     The fingers twitched, slippery against each other with their 
own blood. She seemed to sigh. 

     "No," she whispered.

*****

     Rei liked to swim. She loved the feel of the water, cold at first, 
then warmer, and warmer, against her skin. She loved the quiet 
of submersion, and the low, muffled, underwater sounds. 
Sometimes she hummed to herself as she swam, a song she couldn't 
remember learning, but knew so well. Her voice sounded strange 
under water, both louder and closer than it was above the surface. 
It was painful to emerge, needing to breathe, and to be assaulted 
by the steady, shrill roar of the other girls. It made it hard to hear 
at all. So she gave up swimming with her classmates, preferring to 
sit by herself, trying to block out the ocean of color and noise that 
surrounded her, trying to think.

     This is the first time that she has ever had classmates like 
this, and she cannot remember ever having acted like them. She 
remembers smiling at Commander Ikari, and occasionally laughing 
in wonder at something he taught. But there had never been this 
loud, raucous carelessness. This explosive joy. Except...maybe 
there _had_ been, and she just can't remember. There seems to 
be a strange quality to her memories, an invisible separation 
between what happened before and what happened after. She 
knows, for instance, that she used to be afraid of water, but 
she can't remember what that felt like. She remembers 
Commander Ikari teaching her about the Second Impact, and 
Dr. Akagi bringing her gifts of books, tension hidden behind a 
forced smile. At the same time, there is a memory of darkness, 
of weightlessness, of Commander Ikari smiling, but not speaking, 
of other, unspeakable forms floating in the darkness, in the warmth.

     And then there is blankness, after which everything seems 
somehow colder, vicious and unrelenting. Her body is capable 
of feeling cold, and warmth, and even pain, distantly, but not 
much else. Smiling is possible; her mouth knows the movement, 
her body the posture. But she can never replicate it with the 
other girls, only with the Commander, when the expression is 
a familiar one. 

     Today she will synchronize with Eva Unit 00. This possibility 
no longer frightens her. Perhaps it never did. For seven months, 
she has been training and testing for this. But even though she 
knows this is her duty, her destiny, even though the commander 
and Dr. Akagi have explained to her that she is the First Child, 
and somehow born to pilot the Evangelion, the entire process 
seems mechanical, having very little to do with her at all.

     But when Commander Ikari speaks of it, she can feel the 
power of his faith, almost tangible through his deliberate 
gestures, the careful steel of his voice. And so she must believe.

*****

     "Activate." Commander Ikari's voice. 

     The LCL level rose, filling the plug. Rei expelled the last of 
her air, allowing her lungs to fill with the heavier liquid. 
<Focus. Synchronize.>

     "Connect the main power supply and all circuits together." 
Dr. Akagi. The familiar undercurrent of tension is almost lost 
beneath her excitement.

     "The main power supply connected. Start the activation 
system...Voltage increasing to the critical point: 0.5, 0.2, rising!" Maya.

     "Start the second phase of the activation system."

     A shudder works itself through the LCL. Or is it her? Something 
is happening - there's something in the LCL - no, it's her plug suit, 
it's tingling all over. 

     "The pilot has commenced the joining." Shigeru. 

     "Start System Phase II."

     <_No_!  Ritsuko! Ritsuko, _something's happening to me_.>

    "Synapses inserted. Junction started...Power has been transmitted 
up to the brachial muscle in both arms. There are no problems with 
the nerve links."

     Fire. Burning through her arms. Spreading. Why can't she move?

     "Arrange for the third connection."

     <Ikari-san-> She is crying now, tears dissipating into the LCL, 
nerves burning with sensation, arms and chest somehow constrained. 
<This is what you meant for me?> 

     Unbearable. She is the center of all the pain in the universe. 
Soon it will eclipse her, if this moment can ever end. 

     <Ikari-san->

     And, abruptly, it does. Deathly numbness, and then impact, and 
then a bright, stabbing pain in her back and arm. But this is a new 
pain, not the dull, distant pain of glass against flesh, nor the all 
encompassing agony she felt in the Eva. Her back throbs in waves, 
her arm in sharp spikes. And her head...

     "Rei!"

     And the LCL is draining away, lessening the pressure in her 
lungs. The relative coolness of the air is so clearly felt and 
surprising, it almost distracts her.

     "Rei, are you all right? Rei!" 

     <Ikari-san->

     She looked up into his face, straining, and into his eyes. His 
glasses were gone. Without them, his eyes seemed somehow 
softer, tired and full of fear, but still, so strong. Through the shock 
and the pain, she managed to nod. 

     His eyes, which she knew could sometimes be cold, could 
sometimes be distant, but were always, _always_ watching her, 
showed relief. 

     "I see," he said

*****
End.

Hi guys. Yeah...this is my one Eva fic (hey, everyone else and his brother 
was doing it, so why can't i? um...don't answer that.)
I know that the tense changes might be annoying. I put them in for
a purpose, which I'm not sure if I achieved. Should they be left, improved,
ditched altogether? C&C much, much appreciated, be it good, bad, 
whatever! I also haven't seen all of Eva yet...instead, i combed the Neon 
Genesis Evangelion mailing list and pestered people on this one for info,
so this fic might be totally inaccurate at times...tell me if/where it is.
Please respond to me directly, as I'm not actually _on_ this list.

I'm also looking for another title...I was thinking of "Touch," and also
of "Of Ikari Gendou and the Women Who Love Him," _BUT_....

thanks!
- mee

p.s. about the self inserts with anime babes...has anyone thought of 
getting together Ayanami Rei, Key (of Key the Metal idol), and Ifurita 
(of El Hazard)? or would the personality just be too much to handle...?