[ranma]:clerks
Ranma and the others are trademarks of Viz Video and creations of Rumiko
Takahashi.  The plot and inspiration are stolen from Kevin Smith, author
of the holy trinity, "Clerks:, "Mallrats", and "Chasing Amy".

                        Ranma:  Clerks
                        by Andrew Askew

Scene opens:  Ranma was sleeping, dead to the world on the floor next to 
Genma-Panda.  A phone rang in the background and Ranma groped blindly 
around until around the 11th ring, upon which he found the phone and
grunted
something vaguely like... 
"Hello?"
"Ranma, me boy!  I've got to skip, I mean get out of Nerima for a little
while today, so I was hoping that you'd take my
advanced class."  Happosai's voice rang through the fog in his brain.
"Ya gotta be kiddin', you old letch."  Ranma groaned into the phone.  Ever
since the dojo had actually started doing business, he'd been pressed
into service teaching class and making sure the dojo was kept in tip-top
shape.  "I taught the late class last night.  I don't work today."
"But me boy..."
"No!  I don't go in today.  There's a tournament at two, and I've gotta
be there."
"I'll only be out 'til noon.  You wouldn't disappoint your old master,
now would you?  I could always tell Akane that you're the one who stole
her panties while she's been away at college."
"But YOU took those things!"
"You think she'll listen to that, from you?  BEFORE she flattens you?"
Happosai's voice was starting to take on a smug tone.  But what the old
letch said made a certain amount of sense.
"Noon.  Swear to me, noon."
"Of course..."
"Noon or I walk!"
<click>
Ranma reluctantly pulled himself up from the floor.  Genma was still 
sleeping peacefully as Ranma tried to get to some sense of consciousness.
<Scene shift: Ranma was getting the dojo ready for the next class by
hanging
up the laundered gi's and sweeping the floor.  He tried to open the large 
open-air windows, but something stopped him, and he audibly cursed.  
Seconds later, he returned outside with a sign which reassuringly read,
 "I assure you, class will be held"  Then he settled back to await the 
students.>
There would be three classes, two, plus Happosai's advanced one.  Once
more
Ranma cursed the fact that he let Happosai hitch him into teaching the
class.  He should have just faced up to Akane and taken the lump later.
He heard the sounds of the Tendos waking up and Kasumi starting breakfast
from the main house.  After waiting for an hour, the 9:00AM beginning
class
came in and Ranma put them through their paces, being perhaps a little
harder on them than usual, but then again, he wasn't even supposed to
be there today!  The class wrapped up, and most of them scattered off,
Still, one of the new students, who'd just signed up that day, stood
outside
chatting with some of the people.
"You think this if going to protect you if you get into a real fight?"
Ranma heard him say rather sarcastically.
"Hey, man, it's self-defense!" one of the students said.  "Yeah."  a
couple
of others chimed in.
"Self-defense!  Right, maybe 300 years ago.  That's what Tendo and the
rest of his buddies in the alleged 'martial arts business want you
to believe!  Protection these days doesn't come from a couple of kicks or
punches; it comes from the steel, man!"
"Guns?"
"That's right!  I'm talking real defense!"
"But guns kill people!"
"Guns don't kill people!  People kill people.  And unprepared people get
killed, which means indirectly this training hall, and it's employees,
want you to get killed, or injured, by propagating the myth that their
'teaching' can protect you.  It's all a plot by the medical industry to 
keep themselves in BMWs."
At this Ranma was getting a little bit nervous.  The remaining students 
outside were starting to resemble a mob, and the loudmouth leading them
was whipping them up, but good.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave,"  Ranma announced to the man, in
what he hoped was a rational, calm voice.
"Why?  Because I'm telling these people the truth?  Because you want them
to get maimed or killed, you death merchant?  Death Merchant!"
The rest of the students were beginning to pick up the chant, tossing
whatever
 was around at Ranma and the dojo. 
 "No, because you're inciting a disturbance!"  he shouted.
"I'm causing a disturbance?  You're the disturbance pal!"
"Death merchant, death merchant..."  Socks and tennis shoes were being
flung
at him now, which he blocked easily.
A loud CLANG broke the crowd's chanting, and they stopped abruptly to
view Ukyo, standing on a tree behind them, combat spatula at the ready
(after 
having downed one of the closer mob members).  "Who's leading this mob?"
The man who'd whipped up the crowd caught Ukyo's eye as he was trying 
to sneak away from the riot he'd caused.  She swiftly intercepted him.
"Let's see some credentials,"  she growled.  "Slowly," she added, as he 
began to reach into his gym bag.  He handed her a business card, rather
sheepishly.  
"NRA recruitment Nerima?"  she read.  "You represent them?  So you're
here just to drum up new memberships?" 
He nodded.  
"Get OUT of here!  And the rest of you!  Don't you have jobs? Go commute!"
The formerly angry students began to disperse, but not before one asked
Ranma, 
"So...uh, when's the next class?"
Ranma punted him over the horizon.  He was then left alone with Ukyo, who
had settled down on the dojo's steps.  He slumped down next to her.
"I can't believe this.  I'm not even supposed to BE here today."
"What's with the sign?" she asked.
"Someone jammed gum in the shutters.  It was either the sign, or break
them,
and we're already in debt to the repair people.  Buncha savages in this
town."
They sat in companionable silence for a second. "So why are you in today?"
Ukyo asked, breaking the conversational lull.
"The old letch had to be out of town."
"I thought you had a tournament."
"I do.  I'm walking at noon."
"How 'bout lunch at the restaurant then?"
Ranma grinned.  Maybe something would go right today after all.  "Sure,"
he replied.
"Okay.  Well, I gotta go open up.  See ya!"
Ranma watched her go.  He was lucky to have her for a friend.  Maybe if
Pop hadn't screwed things up so badly, he and...well no use continuing 
THAT line of thought.

<Scene shift.  A small distance away from the Tendo dojo, a commercial
ramen stand stood empty as a woman waited impatiently watching her
wristwatch.
There was a bus stop nearby.>
Mousse walked up to the stand, and stood behind the woman for a while.  
"Guy who runs the stand STILL isn't here?"  he asked the woman.  
"Yeah.  I can't believe it.  I'd go somewhere else, but I'm waiting for
my bus.  Stand's supposed to have been open an hour and a half ago."
"Unbelievable.  I bet you he still won't be here when your bus leaves."
"Hah.  You buy if he is?"
"500 yen if you leave on that bus."
"You're on."
Mousse waited a few more minutes, then wrangled on up to the Tendo dojo
and
moved on in.
"You're late."  a bored Ranma called, tossing him the keys to the stand.
After Mousse had lost his job at Nekohanten for breaking one too many
dishes,
he and Ranma had actually become friends, since Mousse had been convinced 
that it was the free ramen Ranma was after, and not Shampoo.  Getting
fired by Cologne was one of the best things that could have happened to 
Mousse, Ranma mused.  Mousse had almost undergone a nervous breakdown
before
gaining a whole new, if strange, slant on life.  Through some judicious
job 
advice from Nabiki (which had cost him), Mousse had gotten work via his 
restaurant experience with a well known commercial chain that had opened
up 
conveniently outside the dojo.  Since then, Mousse had been a fixture 
around the dojo -- his way of avoiding work.  He'd even learned to secure
his 
glasses like Genma, which was the least of the habits he'd picked up from 
Ranma's father.
"So, I'll leave early."  Mousse's offhand comment returned.  "I thought
you didn't work today.  We've got the tournament at two."
"I know.  I'm off at noon.  Just the kind of day it's been.  Someone
jammed gum in the hinges too."
"Buncha savages in this town.  Was that Ukyo I saw leaving?"
"Yup."
Mousse pulled a newspaper from thin air.  "You mind a piece of advice,
my friend?"
"Advice? From you?"
"Yeah.  Ditch the 'kawaiikune!' tomboy and hitch up with Ukyo."
"Not my choice."
"Of course it is.  You're just hooked on that girl.  Akane never did
anything but drive you crazy when she was here.  Now that she's at
college, doubly so.  You're better off without her, especially since
you're always hanging out with Ukyo.  Don't even have to wonder what
Akane'd do if she knew how much time you spent with her."
"Her violence is just an extension of her true feelings toward me,
which will eventually lead to a deeper, more meaningful relationship.  If
I survive."
Mousse examined something closely in the paper.  "And does Ukyo feel the 
same way about it?"
Ranma squirmed.  "I think if pressed she'd agree."
"I think the four of you ought to talk this out."
"The four of us?"
"Yeah.  You, Ukyo, Akane..." he spread out the paper so Ranma could see,
"..and Akane's new fiancee."

<Scene shift:  Outside the dojo, Genma-Panda stood smoking a pipe, next
to Soun Tendo, who smoked a hand rolled cigarette.>
"Saotome-kun.  My heart swells with pride to see my future son-in-law
taking responsibility for the dojo.  I could just...."  he broke down
in a fit of heavy emotion.
Genma simply stood, smoking silently.  Soun abruptly recovered
"...especially
since it means we don't have to do the work, eh Genma?" he said happily.
Genma remained silent, still smoking.
"Yes, sir, we should finally be on easy street.  Unless the master comes 
back."  Soun abruptly shifted again, nearly in tears.  "Oh the indignity
we've suffered, when I think of how the master treats us..."
Genma continues smoking silently through more of Soun's mood swings.

<Scene shift:  Back inside the dojo>
Mousse watched as the bus pulls away.  "Looks like someone's going away
hungry."  He thumbed the bills he'd just received.  "And a little
lighter."
He sighed and caught the keys to the stand that Ranma had thrown to him.
"Guess I'd better open up," not noticing Ranma was not just a little 
distracted.  
"Hello?  Yes, I'm calling to check on a misprint in today's paper?  
Yeah, the engagement announcement of Akane Tendo to, an ...
no, I was wondering if it was a mistake, like someone she refused to 
date with was printing this by way of revenge?  My relation?  Fiancee,
I guess.  No, not that one.  Hello?"

<Scene shift again, back outside the dojo with Soun and Genma.  This
time they were by the street, and Gosunkugi sat nearby, complete with
candles on his head>
"Is he okay?"  a passerby ventured to ask Soun, concerning Gosunkugi,
who hadn't moved for a while.
"Who him?  He's fine.  Just a little mellow right now.  He thinks
he does magic or something.  Hey Gos!  Magic her."
Gos looked rather noncommittal.
"Gos, magic her.  Girls like."
Grudgingly, Gosunkugi sprang to his feet, whipped a camera out of 
nowhere, and took a picture complete with flash.  Then he slumped down
again before anyone could say anything.
"Wow,"  the woman said, dazzled by the flash.  "What was that supposed 
to do?"
"I dunno, but it was funny as hell,"  Soun responded totally deadpan,
before breaking out into tears of laughter, being joined shortly by Genma.

<Scene shift:  Back into the dojo, Ranma hung up the phone as Mousse
returned>
"Well, it's confirmed."
"Who would've thought.  Akane marring an American design major."
"This can't be right."
"Face it it's time to move on."  Mousse was staring into a bowl of ramen
he'd probably just stolen from the stand.  "Man goes into the cage.
Cage goes into the ramen.  Shark is the ramen.  Our shark.  Ramen shark."
Mousse began humming the Jaws theme.  "We're going to need a bigger
boat..."
"Time to move on, huh?  Not something I thought I'd hear from you."
"Hey, what can I say.  Times change.  You've gotta change with them."
One of the next class' students wandered in and began stretching and
getting
ready.  A small tawny cat wandered by, one that Soun had kept, to Ranma's
dismay, to keep mice from the dojo.
Ranma began edging for the door, and broke out into a full sprint as the
student distracted the cat.  Mousse sat reading the paper calmly.
"Cute cat,"  the student commented.  "What's her name?"
"Purple-haired Amazon bitch queen who I followed out of the jungles of
China 
to a godforsaken city where she broke my heart, but not before taking my 
dignity as well as everything I'd been taught to believe."
"Sorry I asked."
Mousse shrugged and ushered the cat out the other side of the dojo.
"You can come in now,"  he called to Ranma.
"Glad to hear you're not bitter or anything,"  Ranma commented upon
entering.
"Hey, what can I say.  She broke me in two.  I can get past it, but I 
can't forget it.  Remember, I used to fly into homicidal rages and
try to attack you?  Usually I'd get the houseplants."
"When does the class start?"  the student interrupted.
Mousse stared malevolently at her.
"Er...15 minutes or so."  Ranma answered.  The student then left the
dojo and walked around the grounds.  Mousse watched.
"Doesn't that just hack you off?  Just interrupted us having a
conversation.
I hate customers."
Ranma shrugged.  "They're not that bad."
"Oh, come on, you just sit there and take it, as they walk over you.
Don't they get on you're nerves just a little bit?"
"Well...some of them."
"I thought so.  Which ones?"
Ranma thought a minute.  "The schlo-moes."
"Schlo-moes?"
"Yeah.  They just have to see everything in class done in slow motion, as
if somehow if things are done slowly it'll sink through their thick
skulls and they'll instantly be gifted with super martial-art powers."
Ranma sighed.
"There.  Now that you've vented, do you feel better?"
"Yeah, I guess.  So who ticks you off?"
"I could do without the people at the ramen stand."
"Which ones?"
Mousse snorted.  "All of them."

<Scene shift:  The students from Ranma's class leaving.  Kasumi stood
aside the entrance to the dojo, waiting patiently for the students to
leave>
"Ranma, this message just arrived from Happosai.  It says he'll
be in Vermont for the next few weeks."
"Vermont?  He said he'd be in at noon.  I'm not even supposed to be here
today!"
"Ranma, please don't shout."
He caught himself.  "Sorry Kasumi," he muttered.
Mousse wandered in.  "What now?"
"The old letch skipped town.  Completely.  I'm stuck here."
"What about the tournament?"
Ranma frowned for a minute, and then in a moment a sly (or at least as sly
as
Ranma gets) look crossed his face.  "How limber are you feeling?"

<Scene shift:  Ranma's supposedly last class leaving at noon.  He scowled
and
started picking up towels and other dojo items and corralling them in the
laundry area  About half past, a shadow fell over him.>
"I missed you at lunch."  Ukyo remarked.  "So I decided to bring lunch 
to you."  She proffered the picnic basket she held.
Ranma took it.  "What is it?"
"Linguini alfredo. You dope, it's okonomiaki."
"Gee thanks!"
Ukyo smiled, and then practically flounced to the door.  "Got a business
to
run, Ranchan.  Ja ne!"
He smiled back and then she was gone.  Ranma paused only perhaps 10 
microseconds before wolfing through the contents of the basket.

<Scene shift:  Outside the dojo, some of Nerima's more notable martial
artists
were gathering.>
Mousse looked around a little appreciatively.  "Gotta hand it to you
Ranma.
This is one of your more daring gambits.  Holding the tourney on the roof
of the dojo.  A shocking abuse of authority.  I approve."
"I'm still gonna win, even though the venue is changed.  Just now I get
the
opportunity," Ranma said a little defensively.
"Thou foul knave, Saotome!  What scurrilous plot leadest thou to persuade
the honoured judges to hold the competition at thy convenience!"  Kuno's
reaction to the change was predictable.
Out of nowhere, Nabiki appeared.  "He happened to know who to ask,
Kuno-chan.
Remember Ranma, noon tomorrow."  She turned and left.
"Okay, I have to ask.  What's at noon tomorrow?"  Mousse asked.
Ranma groaned inwardly, then checked himself and groaned outwardly as
well.
"You don't want to know."  He didn't even want to imagine the photo shoot
he'd have to endure to pay THIS one off.
The judges finished setting up.  "First match, Ryouga vs. Ranma!"
"I forget,"  Mousse remarked.  "Why are we holding it on the dojo's roof 
again?"
"The added difficulty was part of what Nabiki promised them for moving the
tourney to the dojo."  Ranma answered.  "Where is Ryouga anyway?  He
shouldn't
have registered for this tournament if he didn't have someone to lead him
here
or something."
"I talked to Hiroshi.  He was supposed to, but ran into the problem of
finding
Ryouga to lead him here."
"Can't be helped.  I guess I win by default then."
"Ranma!  There's no escape for you this time!  Today you die!"
The rather rumpled figure that ran into the courtyard needed no
introduction.
By the looks of him, Ryouga had been to hell and back to get here, but the
amazing fact remained that he had indeed managed to find the tournament,
and only a little late.  Then again, no one had told him the tournament
had
moved either, so his appearance at the correct time was nine-tenths 
coincidence, and another tenth good luck.
"Contestants, on the roof!"  the lead judge commanded.

<Scene shift:  the judges' table was abandoned and the last of the martial
artists were departing.  Wreckage spread throughout the courtyard and
Ranma and Mousse sat on the dojo's steps.>
"I can't believe Ryouga toasted the roof,"  Ranma said in something 
resembling a combination of disbelief and resignation.
Mousse simply looked at him.  "I can't believe the rest of the dojo is
still standing!  C'mon what did you expect?  It's Ryouga.  He and
tournament rules just won't mix well, especially when he's facing you."
"But we only got to fight for 12 minutes!"
"I can't believe it went on that long."
They broke off as students began arriving to one of the late afternoon 
classes.  Mousse headed for the ramen stand, where he pulled a television
out of some much more fashionable dimension, and began avoiding work at
the
stand, rather than avoiding work at the dojo.

<Scene shift:  Back at the now open-air dojo, the students were breaking
up.
Mousse walked up, and began avoiding work at the dojo again.>
"You know what I just finished watching?" he asked.
"What?"
"Bubblegum Crisis.  Which did you like better, Crash or Crisis?"
"Crash."
"Blasphemer."
"Come on, Crash had the way better ending.  Almost everthing gets
resolved.  All
the end of Crisis had was a half-hearted attempt to prove Nene actually
contributed something to the team."
"Anyway, I just realized something.  The entire series was supposed to say 
something about what it was to be human right?  Well, when the boomers
attack the Silky Doll, fine, they and their kind end up getting pulverized 
in the end.  Evil's punished.  But when the actually launch an attack
on the Tower, it's a different story.  I mean, they attack at night.  Sure
the boomers and stuff get trashed, and there have to be some human
security
that also bite it, okay.  But at night you've also got the janitorial 
staff to consider.  I mean, they work on a set wage, they don't give
a flying flip about Genom, they just mop the floors.  You're gonna tell
me that they deserve to die?"
"C'mon there's inherent risk in everything.  They could be doing something
else, not working for the big G.  It's not like Clancy prizes his
personnel
or anything; they knew the risks."
An older student from the class approached at that point.  "Did I just
hear you say something about inherent liability?"
Ranma answered him.  "Yeah, my friend here is trying to make a case for
why Genom's cleaning staff didn't deserve to die in BGC."
"I'm a lawyer, and I can tell you, from several suits I've handled, that
most big companies that worry about security like Genom would have to
have their employees sign a disclaimer when they're hired, saying that
unforeseen acts and stuff like you're talking about isn't their fault.
These people are informed of the risk.  Anything about them not knowing 
the dangers is just people fooling themselves."
The lawyer walked out.  Ranma and Mousse just looked at each other and
shrugged.
Mousse broke the silence.  "Lend me 500 yen, huh?"
"Why?"
"C'mon just lend it to me."
"Why?"
"I wanna go get some ramen."
Ranma's brain came to a screeching halt.  "What?"
"I wanna go get some ramen."
"You WORK at a ramen stand!"
"Yeah, but I work at a BAD ramen stand.  I want to go get something good."
"I don't even want to go through this.  Use the money you swindled out
of that woman this morning."
"Oh yeah."

<Scene shift:  Ranma was alone in the dojo for once, sweeping up.  Night
was falling outside as someone came knocking on the dojo door.>
"Next class isn't for another hour,"  he called.
The knock sounded again.  He approached the door, and began to repeat
himself.
"The next class isn't for..." he then caught sight of the figure outside.
"Oh.  Hello Akane..."

<Scene shift:  Ranma and Akane rested on the roof of the main house.>
"I just wanted to make sure we were alone when we talked.  You're engaged
to
another guy?"
"What do you care anyway?  John's treated me a lot better than you ever
did
and he isn't engaged to numerous other women anyway!"
"I can't believe this!  So you just go off to college and decide to get
married to an American design major?  You must be, you're wearing his ring
right now.  Does your father know?"
"I don't need his permission you know; this isn't feudal Japan you know.
Now that I think about it, people around here could use a few reminders of
the fact that it's not, arranging marriages.  It's the 20th century!"
"So you love this guy?"
"I didn't say that!"
"Well you're marrying him!"
"I'm not getting married!"
THAT brought Ranma up short.  "But the announcement..."
"His parents made it.  They saw me wearing the ring, he persuaded me to
take
while I thought about his proposal.  I'm not marrying him.  I'm not
ready to get married yet, not to you, not to him, or anyone."
Ranma was visibly relieved.  "So, why did you..."
"I came back so I could tell Daddy in person, because I knew he'd freak
out
when he saw the paper."
"C'mon, that can't be the only reason you came back."
"What, you think I came back just so I could straighten you out, you
pervert?
That's even more twisted that I thought you were."
"You know, you're actually kinda cute when you're angry.  Even if you are
a 
tomboy."
The fire behind Akane's eyes was lit.  "Raaaannnmmaaa..."  she began,
gaining
volume.
"Maybe you'd like to get a bite to eat with me after my last class
tonight.
We are actually making money now, ya know."
This cut her off just short of malleting him.  Flustered, she tried to
regain
her anger, but managed only to stutter, "Ranma...I"
"Great,"  he said, edging towards the eaves. "See you then."
He then jumped down, before she could get another word in.
Under the ledge, Soun managed to keep from cackling maniacally.
"Saotome-kun,
it looks like our children may finally get together," he whispered
gleefully.
Genma, once more, was silent.

<Scene shift:  Back at the dojo, Ranma was grinning stupidly as Mousse
once
more invaded the dojo to avoid his customers.>
"So what's with you?"
"I've gotta teach Happosai's classes for the next week."
"So why are you still grinning?"
"I'm happy."
"You're happy?"
Ranma continued grinning, rather stupidly, to Mousse's eye.  "Akane was
just here."
"No shit."
"Yep.  She's not getting married to that American design major after all."
"No way."
"We're going out tonight after my last class.  I'm going to lock up in
about
an hour.  Which means that you are on your own tonight."
Mousse looked a little bit bemused at that.  "Whatever."

<Scene shift:  Akane combed her hair in her bedroom (She is completely
clothed, everyone pull your minds out of the gutters), humming quietly to 
herself>
A shadow fell over her, and Akane found herself staring right into the 
not just slightly mad eyes of Kodachi Kuno.  She overcame her surprise in
time to dodge Kodachi's first swipe with her ribbon-whip.  The second wipe
drew a thin line of blood from Akane's left shoulder.  
Kodachi let out one of her mad cackles.  "Akane Tendo, there is no
possible
way I can allow you to date with my precious Ranma.  Defend yourself."
Akane felt a rage settle over her like none she'd felt before, even when
angry at Ranma.  Dimly she recognized that she felt slightly weak as
well.  The ribbon must have been poisoned, she realized with alarm,
then got even madder than before.  "This ends now," she growled
like a woman possessed.

<Scene shift: Ucchan's, Mousse is talking to Ukyo>
"So you see, Ranma really IS happy with Akane.  Which means there really
can't be anything between you two.  So stop trying."
Ukyo looked about ready to burst into tears.  "He ...he really feels that 
way?"  she asked.
"I saw him, after he'd straightened things out with Akane.  He was 
practically glowing.  I'm really sorry Ukyo."
Ukyo's face hardened a bit.  "No.  He's the one who'll be sorry."

<Scene shift:  Outside the Tendo residence, the police and ambulance
picked up the last of their equipment.  A covered body was placed
in the rear of the ambulance, and another stretcher has been wheeled out
of the house.  Soun is crying buckets, and Kasumi stands wringing her
hands. Ranma walks up carrying flowers.>
"What happened?"  he asked the scene at large.
Soun was completely incomprehensible, but it sounded like something
concerning
his darling Akane.  Alarmed now, Ranma looked at the gurney being wheeled
out.
On it was Akane.  Unconscious, black and blue, but still breathing, albeit
with assistance.
"What happened?"  he asked, nearly in panic now.  "Who did this to her?"
Kasumi managed to stutter, "Ko...Kodachi did it.  When she found out you
were going out with Akane."
"I'll KILL her!"
"No...you won't.  Akane already did.  It took four policemen to remove her 
from the body when they got here."  Kasumi looked like she was in a
trance. 
"The doctor said there was some drug in her system, and it reacted with
her
adrenaline surge.  They won't charge her for the death; the Kuno family
wants
it kept quiet since it was Kodachi's fault."

<Scene shift: Ranma stumbled back into the unlit dojo.>
 Ranma hit the lights unconsciously, and revealed Genma, finally as a
human for the first time that day.  
"What?" he asked stopping short.
Genma walked up to him.  "You know son, what Akane did and what happened
to 
her has to have hit you pretty hard.  But I just wanted to say one thing.
There's a lot of good looking women in this world.  But few of them will 
bring you okonomiaki at work.  Some are just plain violent tomboys that'll
hit you with mallets."
Genma turned and walked out of the dojo.  Ranma just stood there, emotions
boiling through him, and finally one single thought surfaced.
"He's right.  I love Ucchan..."

<Scene shift: Some time later, still in the dojo.  Ranma was absently
putting
away the last of the equipment, padding, extra gi's>
Abruptly, Ukyo charged in, tears in her eyes.  Without preamble, before 
Ranma could say a word, she whipped out the combat spatula and slammed 
him into a wall.  Caught by surprise, Ranma slumped to the ground, only
able to stare up at her in shock.
"That was for playing me all along, Ranma Saotome!  I thought we could
have
something!"
She commenced flailing at him wildly with the spatula, which he was able
to 
block, as her control was lacking.  The spatula fell to the ground and
Ukyo found herself staring up at Ranma, nearly in his arms.  "We could
have something..." he started to say, but then she wrested away from
him.
"You may be able to play bimbos like Shampoo along so you can use
them, but not me.  Not anymore.  God!  I thought you loved me, and you're
going out with Akane?  When were you going to tell me?  The wedding?
If Mousse hadn't told me, I still wouldn't know!"  She stormed out, barely
remembering the spatula.

<Time shift: Minutes later, Mousse walked into the strangely still-lit
dojo, a complacent but confused look on his face, just before...>
"You told her!"
"Someone had to.  I was doing you a favor."
"I love her!"
"Then why were you going to date Akane? You know what your problem is?"  
Mousse asked, as a prelude to what Ranma could tell would be more advice 
of a lengthy nature.
"What?"  Ranma played along, his temper barely kept in check.
"You need to shit or get off the pot."
The abruptness caught Ranma by surprise.  "What?"
"What?"  Mousse mimicked.  "You need to shit or get off the pot."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you ought to pull yourself together and quit railing against
those immutables in you life that you could change but don't."
This got Ranma's full attention.  Mousse continued, however.
"I bet when you first heard you were arranged to marry Akane, you
said something like 'I didn't ask for this!'.  But you didn't flat out
refuse it either did you?  Your other 'fiancees'.  You could resolve all
of it, simply break it off with them.  You aren't afraid of them!  But
still you choose the path of least resistance and do nothing.  'I'm
not supposed to be here today.'"
"That's not true!  It's not that simple!"
"Like hell!  You don't want Shampoo, for instance, I don't know why THIS
example springs to mind.  But you can't grow enough spine to completely 
divorce yourself of her.  What's the matter?  Scared of a girl?"
"I ain't scared of anything!"  Ranma yelled.  
"Then take control of your destiny!  And I just told Ukyo the truth,
so don't scream at me just because you're trying to marry one and
date the other."
This was the last straw.  Ranma advanced on Mousse and threw a punch, 
which the other martial artist blocked.  This was followed by an exchange 
of several more blows, neither actually managing to hurt the other, 
but each taking their emotional states out on the other.

<Scene shift:  Later in the dojo.  Both Ranma and Mousse have slumped
down, neither seriously hurt, but obviously both had seen better days.
The dojo shared that state.  The two eventually got up, albeit stiffly,
and cleaned things up.  They finished almost simultaneously.>
"So you coming in tomorrow?"  Mousse asked in order to break the silence.
"Yeah, tomorrow evening.  I'm gonna go visit Akane in the hospital,
then try and patch things up with Ukyo without her slamming my head in."
"Anything I can do?"
"Nah...Wait."
"What?"
"Wrangle on out of here."
"Nah, I don't feel like it."
"C'mon.  Here comes Mousse, he's a wizard..."
Mousse got into the trademark rhythm and wrangled on out, closing the
door.
Ranma just stood for a minute.  Suddenly Mousse reappeared and threw in
the
sign Ranma had made that morning.
"You're closed!"


Author's Note:
Wow!  That was a lot longer than I actually thought it would get.  If you
haven't seen "Clerks", then obviously:
A.) None of this has made any sense
B.) You are delinquent in your social responsibilities.  Go out and rent
it
now!
Thanks of course go out to John Harp, who is not in fact an American
Design
Major, but a Creative Writing/Music major, and my editor, odd that a
physicist
would be doing the writing though.  Thanks also go out to Kelly Nine
without whom I would never have seen the Kevin Smith trilogy.
On to comments!  I pretty much had to fit what characters and situations I 
could the best I could and preserve as much of the actual "Clerks" magic.
That didn't mean I couldn't use my favorite characters however.  Mousse
gets
a raw deal normally since he gets straightjacked into the role of
Shampoo's
devoted and abused love slave.  I picked him out for Randall's character
so I could actually let him go.  Of course he's pretty screwed up here
too,
but now he's screwed up on his own.  It's pretty much my opinion that
if he did lose his crutch of working at Nekohanten, he'd either fall to 
pieces or, he'd pull his mind together, or both.
Ukyo is another one of my favorites, though for different reasons.  She
is probably to most deserving of Ranma's fiancees, although whether she's
deserving of Ranma or not (I don't know that I'd wish him on anyone) is
debatable.  
As for OOC acting, I had to keep to the Clerks storyline, so of course
some stuff got sacrificed both ways, both on the part of Clerks and
on Ranma 1/2.  All comments, whatever, are welcomed!  Even if you just
want to say this really sucked!  I don't mind!  Well, I might, but if
you've taken the actual time to read this, I might as well return the
favor and see what you think.  Please send comments to 
awa51669@jetson.uh.edu


				Andrew Askew
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