Ranma 1/2 - All Mixed Up

Disclaimer: The extremely funny and unique characters belong and are copyrighted to the talanted and humourous Rumiko Takahashi, Viz Communications, Shogakukan Inc. and other such clever companies who know something good when they see it (ie, Ranma 1/2). I own _nothing_ on _any_ of the characters in any way at all. 

Just 'e' me if you've missed any parts at...  stroma@globalnet.co.uk 
OR if there's no reply, try...  eve147@hotmail.com   

(XXX) = actions/description       
<XXX> = Chinese (Mandarin, I think, whatever the Chinese Amazons speak)
~XXX~ = sound effects       
[XXX] = signs (mostly Genma-panda)
onna-Ranma = female Ranma   
~beep!~ = swear words

Chapter 1: One fine day...

(It is a warm and breezy summers day. Birds flutter in and out of trees and cars push themselves through the puzzle they call a road network. People walk their dogs along the unusually quiet streets of Nerima. It is still quite an early morning in the ward of Nerima. Two high school students are seen running down the lane, together. What is unusual is that they are a half-hour early for school and also they are not fighting. Neither of them is talking but both seem quite contented.
     Coming up to the opened gate, the boy and girl sigh in relief as they notice the schoolyard is empty. They run in, their feet tip-tapping on the concrete.)

Boy: (with a chinese shirt on) it looks like we've missed them.
Girl: yeah, now let's get to class, I can't really face all the --

~RUMBLE~

Boy: or maybe not... c'mon, we can still make i - -
 
(A flood of students suddenly surround the two from no-where. The noise distracts the two students and they back up against each other, the boys crowd on one side of the pair, the girls on the other. It seems like the whole school is facing the two. The pair each recognise familiar faces and voices in the crowd, ready to interrogate them.)

Sayuri: -- hey Akane, what happened, are you alright?
Daisuke: -- Ranma, who are you marrying?! Me and Hiroshi will have the other two fiancee's! I'll have the Chinese babe if you don't want he --
Hiroshi: (to Ranma) -- is there ever going to be a wedding or wha --
Yuka: (to Akane and Ranma) -- does this mean you two really love each other?
Ranma: well....
Akane: you see....
Crowd: (waiting) what? ...What?!
Ranma: bye! (grabs Akane's arm and leaps over the crowd and bounds away over the school fence and down the street)
Akane: Ranma! What are you doing?! We have school!
Ranma: you call that school?! I'm not in the mood for interrogation!
Akane: (tugs her arm free) but I have an assignment due in!
Ranma: the teachers will thank us for it. We'll just be too much of a disturbance for the class, the school asking questions an' all that.
Akane: (suspicious) you just want a day off...
Ranma: that's right!  
Akane: well I'm going back.
Ranma: are you sure you want to do that?
Akane: (Picture of earlier scene in schoolyard flashes past her eyes) I guess I could do some work at home... (waits for insult, none comes) (she looks at Ranma, surprised) 
Ranma: (smiles) what is it?
Akane: (a smile gradually appears, causing Ranma to lose a few hundred heartbeats) nothing... nothing at all.

(They walk off towards home, together....
    It is now about 9.00am by the time they get back. Both go out to the back. Nabiki is sunbathing near the pond, and Genma in panda form is being scolded by Nodoka for eating her breakfast, on the porch.)  

Genma-panda: [but I thought it was Ranma's!]
Nodoka: Genma dear, how can you be a good male role model to (notices the two) hi son! Hello Akane! You two are back early!
Ranma: yeah, mom, we're not feeling too well.
Kasumi: (comes out to the garden with lemonade for everyone) Yes, Nabiki's feeling the same...
Nabiki: (in swimsuit, lying back on a lounger, listening to her CD Player and reading "New Men ") yeah, I'm psychologically distressed by the failed wedding and need recuperation. (gets handed a drink) Kasumi, do you know were my Smoke City CD has gone?
Kasumi: I think you left it in the kitchen when you got those chocolate chip cookies.
Ranma: (narrowed eyes) I can see its traumatic effect on you.
Nabiki: (sipping on her lemonade) I'm in deep shock.
Ranma: (looks around and notices someone missing) where'd Akane go?
Kasumi: I think she went for a little lie down...
Ranma: why, what's wrong?
Soun: you _do_ care? Oh joyous day!! (pats him on the back and starts crying)
Ranma: what are you talki --
Kasumi: daddy, you know you should take it easy, Dr. Tofu said that the trauma of the wedding has made you more emotional than usual. I hope you have been taking your medica -- 
Soun: (to Kasumi) -- will you get married, dear daughter? I would be so proud! Just one wedding is all I ask !! Dr. Tofu is very nice and he does like you...(turns away) Nabiki? You're a pretty girl, why don't you marry that handsome gentlemen who's always round, what's his name, Tatewaki?
Kasumi: I think you should have a lie down....
Nabiki: amen to that!
Soun: you're always so right, my lovely Kasumi. What would I ever do without you? (starts to cry and Kasumi gently leads him inside) 
Nodoka: now Genma, you are going to start to teach Ranma how to be more manly and no tricks to get out of it!!
Genma-panda: [But I'm just a panda. I know nothing.]
Nodoka: (grits teeth) husband... (starts polishing her katana)  
Ranma: I'm... just off to practice in the training hall. (runs off with a deceptively casual breakneck sprint)
 
(After an hour of doing katas in the training hall, and then a hot bath, Ranma decides to take a break and see if there's anything on TV. He wanders in to the unusually quiet living room -- quiet because most of the household are out enjoying the sunshine apart from Akane, who is still sleeping upstairs -- and picks up the remote control.)  

Ranma: (flicking channels) nothing on.... nothing on... nothing on.... (switches TV off) (thinks) I wonder what's up with Akane? She's been awful quiet these past few days... I'll go see her. (gets up and goes up to her room, knocks on the door, no-one answers) (out loud) Ah well, what the heck. (opens door slightly and looks in) Hey Akane, you awa -- (starts, when he sees Akane sleeping on the bed, her hair all messed up and a smile on her face) You really are beautiful, what took stupid me so long to see it? But do you think of me the way I think of you? 
Nabiki: (behind him) (fully dressed) for 5000 yen I could find out.
Ranma: N-Nabiki! How much did you hear?  
Nabiki: oh, more than enough to pay for Oasis' new album...
Ranma: (grumbles) I'm going for a walk!
Nabiki: whatever you say... (watches Ranma leave house) (a smile grows on her face) ...future brother-in-law.

(Out to the sunny streets of Tokyo.... Ranma wanders aimlessly for a few hours, thinking mainly about Akane. He doesn't notice the scenery changing from the bustle of Nerima to a small woodland -- just at the edge of Tokyo -- or his stomach grumbling for food. He's _really_ deep in thought. The thick forest doesn't seem to let much light through and casts dark haziness to the fringes of the outer trees, giving instant cover.)
    
Ranma: (just inside the fringe of dark undergrowth) how'd I get here? Better leave! (stops when he hears a voice calling from outside the woodland)
Shampoo: (carrying a strange piece of food) Today, husband marry me and no have to deal with pervert girl anymore! Life so good! (skips away out of sight)
Ranma: (watches from the shadows) close...I think I'll hole up in these woods for a bit. Funny, I've never seen them before. (wanders more deeply into them, the shadows getting more and more acute)

~rustle~

Ranma: ? (tenses) (pause) must have been my imagination.

~crack~

Ranma: who's there?

~sshhh~

Ranma: Gosunkugi?

~thunk~

Ranma: Ryoga?

~creek~

Ranma: Whoever you are, show yourself! 

~wooosh~

(Before he could react, Ranma sees a black object moving towards him at incredible speed.)

Ranma: Ryoga?! Is that you? (prepares to strike when the black thing dives under his legs and up to the back of his head) wha -- ? (looks around) 

~Clong!~

(Ranma unconscious now.)

Voice: (dragging Ranma away) it's for your own good, boy.

(Panning over to Nerima.....
Where clouds start to form....)
~plish~
~plash~
(In the Tendo's back garden. Kasumi comes out from the kitchen to look at the odd phenomenon. Nabiki is back on her sun-lounger and sits up to inspect the purple rain drops. Nodoka is still sitting on the back porch with Genma. She has put her katana away.)

Kasumi: (steps down from the porch) I think I'll take the washing in.
Nabiki: what kind of rain is that? I've never seen purple rain before. (goes outside to investigate, Nodoka is helping Kasumi.)
Akane: (practising kicks on a pig-tailed dummy outside, around one side of the dojo) weird. (puts out hand to catch the mutated water) Very wierd... 

(....An hour later... far from the Tendo Dojo... in a lighted small, claustrophobic wooden hut in a clearing in the mysterious, quiet woodland.... Ranma is lying on the cloth-covered floor. Rays of sun peek in through the gaps in the wall. )

Ranma: (starts to wake up, rubs back of head and sits up) Owww, where am I?

~Click~

Ranma: (rushes to just-closed door and opens it, stepping out into a small clearing) Where...who? (looks around and sees the forest) What? (sees note stuck to door) What's going on? 

Note: [ Please forgive me. But if I hadn't kidnapped you would have met a horrible fate. I would have liked to save your friends but you are the only hope now. A strange rain will have, by now, fallen onto the ward of Nerima and only the ward of Nerima because of it's paranormal attracting force. Take the pills attached to this and you will suffer none of the side-effects of this rain. It will fall once more and then never. Just be careful, your friends personalities will have been twisted and you have to discover the antidote. With deepest sympathy, 
Mr. X ]

Ranma: (disbelieving) oh really? Where's Mulder then? (turns over the piece of paper)

Note: [By the way, in a matter of great urgency and importance....who plays the dum guy in Friends? Write it here if you know. 
           P.S. this isn't the X-Files, dummy, it's real.]

Ranma: (not quite sure what to make of this) I'll just play it as it goes... (Puts box of pills in pocket) (walks off)

(He manages to find his way out of the woodland within a few minutes and soon finds his way into the concrete laden, built-up area of Nerima... He runs down a seemingly insignificant Nerimian street which look just like any other and stops at one of the seemingly insignificant houses...)

Ranma:  Finally, back at the Tendo's! (looks at ground and sees purple patches of water) Hmm...maybe that guy was right. (swallows pill) Can't hurt. (enters the Tendo's house) Hey everyone! (no-one's in the front room) (looks round house) That's odd. (hears talking) Sounds like Mr. Tendo. (goes to Tendo's room)
Soun: (lying on futon, flat out) (murmuring) Akane, Ranma, do have a piece of your own wedding cake. It's so nice you got a cure and Ukyo, Kodachi and Shampoo left willingly. Here, have some sake, I'm so happy you two got married! 
Ranma: at least something seems normal. (leaves room) (walks down the corridor) 

~Whump!~

Ranma: (accidently bumps into someone) sorry! (steps back and looks at the sight before him, the leather-jacketed, short-haired girl smoking a ciggarette in his face) K-Kasumi?
Kasumi: if the name fits....y'know? (chews some gum) You gotta problem?
Ranma: yeah, what happened to you? Is this some wierd nightmare?
Kasumi: the only thing that was a nightmare was my life! Jeez, I was dull. Now things are gonna change. I'm gonna get a Smashing Turnip's album and then trash a few stores. See ya'!

~Boooom!~

Kasumi: oh yeah, that's right! I put something in the oven, a tin of beans. Forgot about it. Well, have to go! I'm outy! (leaves with a swagger)
Ranma: Kasumi can't cook?! Why?!! Of all people?! Does this mean I have to put up with Akane's cooking?! Oh, the inhumanity of it all!!! Get a grip Ranma, stop talking to yourself. (smells the burning kitchen) Guess I'll have to call the firemen. Unless they've gone wacko on me, too!

~slam!~

Ranma: (sees Akane running in, upset) what's the matter?
Akane: (with a half disgusted, half upset look on her face) I loathe you on site! (starts crying and runs upstairs) 
Ranma: somethings never change. (follows her upstairs and is about to knock on her closed door...)
Akane: (in her room) (talking to no-one in particular) Why Kuno-chan? Why?! I wuv you, can't you see that?! (cries even more) I luvvy wuvvy you!!! I'll be a good wife and cook for you and do the housework and even give up martial arts for my _darling_!
Ranma: (a couple of major electrical storms in his soul later) K-Kuno-_chan_?! Kuno-chan? I mean, c'mon, Kuno-chan?!  Luvvy-wuvvy?! (takes a couple more pills) Is there anyone sane left? (hears noises in Nabiki's room) Nabiki? (knocks on her door)
Nabiki: come in!! Please do, oh yes! (starts singing)
Ranma: uh right. (thinks) Please do? (opens door) (outloud) Nabiki! What's happened to you?! 

End of chapter 1.....

Chapter 2: School daze.

Ranma: (to Nabiki in her room) y-you're (looks at the newly decorated room) _nice_! (the room is all pink and full of fluffy animals and posters for charity organisations) (Nabiki is wearing a long, white dress with flowers on it and a daisy chain in her hair) 
Nabiki: (stands up and grins at him, handing him an envelope) for you!! 
Ranma: that's more like i -- (thinks) What does she want to blackmail me into this time? 
Nabiki: -- it's all the money my old self took off you! I don't know if it's the right amount, I'm quite ditzy with numbers you see? (giggles) I'm giving all the money I have to charitable causes!! 
Ranma: (holding thousands of yen) Nabiki? Charitable? (jumps for joy) There is a Kami-sama!! (leaves and pauses past Akane's room)
Akane: why did you refuse my kiss, Kuno baby? You hurt me! Waaaaaahhhhhh!!! 
Ranma: (rushes in) are you OK, Akane?
Akane: (sitting on her bed, clutching a teddy bear) oh, it's the ugly, weak guy! Ewwwww! Such a sissy also! I need a real, strong man, like dear Tatewaki! If only he hadn't hurt me....
Ranma: (clenches fist) he hurt Akane?! I'll kill 'im!! (runs out the front door in a couple of milliseconds)
Akane: ...by rejecting my love, oh, my dear Tatewaki!! (sighs)

(....Ranma jumps across houses and zooms towards the school, blind rage covering his vision. The streets are nearly dry and the sun is smiling again. The road he's racing along is totally deserted.)

~Wham!~

Boy: (having knocked over Ranma, helps him up) excuse me, could you tell me the way to the Ten -- Ranma! It's you!!

(Kind of....)

Ranma: hey, Ryoga! You feeling fine? No sudden bouts of happiness, p-chan?
Ryoga: (swipes him with umbrella) why you...! How dare you mock my life!
Ranma: (grabs hold of umbrella) I _never_ thought I'd say this... but you seem to be the only normal person 'round here! Normal for you, anyhow...
Ryoga: what are you going on about? Just because I haven't been able to find Tokyo for the last three days gives you no right to joke about my cruel and harsh suffering! I've only just arrived in Nerima after being stuck in some strange forest all night! This _is_ Nerima, isn't it? 
Ranma: yes, you idiot. The thing is, everyone's acting really strange because of some cursed rain or somethin'. 
Ryoga: Ranma...! Did _you_ have anything to do with this?! 
Ranma: (offended) hey! Why'd you think everything's my fault? (starts to get all worked up) Why does everyone seem to think everything's my fault!
Ryoga: why? Because everything _is_ your fault, you womanising deviant! The way you treat Akane-san is awful, giving her no respect at all!! 
Ranma: I do so! Kind of... Uh... (thinks about it) actually I don't.... (thinks about this a bit more)
Ryoga: (rattles on) ...And you just can't make up your mind, you even got Shampoo and Ukyo along to ruin your wedding and break Akane's heart! And --
Ranma: -- I had nothin' to do with that! Look man, would you just shut up for a second and listen! This purple rain has had a weird effect on everyone.
Ryoga: purple rain? That sounds like a Prince song.
Ranma: that Toma guy's a singer now?
Ryoga: (narrowed eyes) .....
Ranma: what's your prob -- ? 
Ryoga: -- so, what's it done to everyone, this rain? Is Akane OK? She better not be, or you're in deep trouble...!
Ranma: just zip up, will ya? You want to help Akane or not? First of all, Kasumi's a rebel and can't cook... Kasumi!! Nabiki's even being _generous_! And Akane's upset because Kuno hurt her! My dad might even be an honorable and truthful person who regrets his past and has a conscience. (shakes head) It doesn't bear thinking of...
Ryoga: (angry) I shall destroy Kuno's happiness for hurting my dear, sweet Akane!! (thinks) ...Then I'll crush you, Ranma, for letting this atrocity happen in the first place!
Ranma: so, we agree on something? Things _are_ going warped around here. C'mon Ryoga, let's go beat Kuno to a pulp! (starts to run when he realises something) Hey Ryoga, Furinkan High's this way! 
Ryoga: don't you insult me, Ranma! (runs)
Ranma: I said this way!

~boot!~

Ranma: (drags an unconscious Ryoga along) well, he might be useful against Kuno. As something to throw at the thick-headed... wait! I didn't take that into account! Kuno's probably intelligent now, he might even be a match! (pause) Naaaaahhh...! 

(Ranma drags an unconscious Ryoga down the streets to the school gates, it is now lunchtime and everyone seems to be sitting outside, eating lunch in the school playgrounds at the front of the school. He looks around for any weird behaviour. He walks over to the playing fields where he often fights Kuno and first fought Mousse.)

Ranma: nothing out of the ordinary, yet. (trips over two people, sitting on the bank of the school fields.) Sorry! Jeez, studying?! At lunchtime?! Nerds...
Nerd #1: we are trying to work here.
Nerd #2: please do not be so clumsy.
Ranma: (recognises them) Hiroshi?! Daisuke?! What has this rain done to you?
Hiroshi: (ignores Ranma) we have to finish this assignment if we want to make it for band practice.
Daisuke: don't forget chess club after school. We shouldn't have taken the morning off to look around the Nerima ward.
Hiroshi: will never do that again! Or think of the opposite sex in such a perverted manner! Girls deserve respect. 
Daisuke: so immature were we... (shakes head at memory disapprovingly)
Ranma: if I were 20 years older, I would have had a couple of heart attacks by now! It isn't the rain... it's aliens come to take over the world, bodysnatchers, yeah! (looks pleased with himself)
Ryoga: are you sure the rain hasn't given you brain damage... scrub that, you're always like this.
Ranma: when did you wake up?
Ryoga: you don't think that a little kick from you could keep me down for long?
Ranma: you're right.
Ryoga: (disbelief) what?!
Ranma: with a head as thick as yours, who could kick you hard enough?
Ryoga: why you..! (they start fighting) (crowds look on, surprised for a second, then disinterested)

(A few minutes later... Ranma and Ryoga still fighting and quite bruised.)

Voice: hey, chill out, dudes!
Ranma & Ryoga: (stop in mid-carnage) (look to the voice) huh? 
Ranma: The principal? No it's... Kuno!!! No way!
Kuno: (wearing moccasins, long, baggy flares, a tye-dye shirt and shades) way, brother!
Ranma: this is some sort of dream, isn't it?
Kuno: my whole life's been a dream up to now, man! Now I've seen the true way, through peace and love!! 
Ranma: where's your sword?
Kuno: there's no need for violence, world peace is all we need!
Ranma: (to Ryoga) still some of the old Kuno left in him, he still speaks a load of cr --
Kuno: -- see you later, brothers. (makes the peace sign)
Ranma: (recovers) hang on a sec, what did you to to Akane? She said you hurt her?!
Kuno: who, man?
Ranma & Ryoga: who??!
Ranma: about a year younger than you, short-haired uncute tomboy? 
Ryoga: (hits him over head) hey, don't speak about Akane like that, you cad!
Kuno: (thinks for a few minutes) oh _her_! Uncute, yes.  She needs to catch a few more positive vibes till I hang with her. She is one dull chick!
Ranma: (testing) what about "the pigtailed goddess"?
Kuno: Ranma, you're an OK sorta guy but you're totally no goddess!
Ranma: you know? 
Kuno: what kinda fazed-out idiot would I be if I didn't know?
Ranma & Ryoga: ....
Kuno: gotta go spread some happenin' vibes, check you later, dudes! (runs off)
Sayuri: (chases after him) wait for me, Tatewaki!!!
Yuka: (baby voice) me too, Kuni-wuni!!!
Ranma: (wide-eyed) Akane's friends....
Ryoga: what can we do to get rid of this nightmare?
Ranma: but Kuno _is_ leaving me alone and Nabiki won't make me broke anymore! We could just leave things... yeah...
Ryoga: (hits him) think of Akane, jerk!
Ranma: (recalls Akane's crush on Kuno) (shivers) you, for once, have a point there.

(Something horrible and disgusting attatches itself to Ranma's leg.)

Ranma: Happosai, get offa me! (removes him violently)
Happosai: but I'm so scared; nasty girls are after me! I'm just an old man!
Ranma: (narrows eyes) oh, right!
Ryoga: haven't you noticed something Ranma?
Ranma: what?
Ryoga: Happosai hasn't tried to splash and glomp you yet.
Ranma: he's probably trying to hide from some mob of crazed girls....
Happosai: you're so right, so clever, oh great one!
Ranma: see?

~rumble~

Ranma: here they come! (picks him up) Here he is!
Girl mob: ooh, thank you, thank you!
Happosai: (crying) noooooo!!!! 
Girl #1: hey, I wanna hold him first! He's so _cute_!
Girl #2: (snatches him) no, me!
Girl #3: (grabs him) hey, I bags to cuddle him! (cuddles Happy, happily) 
Happosai: why is fate so cruel?! I just want a quiet, slow life.
Ranma: this is strange...
Ryoga: too strange...
Ranma: cute girls want him...
Ryoga: and he doesn't want to be near them...
Ranma: we should just cure everyone but Kuno, Happosai and Nabiki. The world would be a better place.  
Ryoga: remember, we have to find a cure first! But where do we look?
Ranma: (in deep thought -- for Ranma, that is) ...The old ghoul!
Ryoga: huh?
Ranma: Cologne, dummy! Now, let's hope she's unaffected. C'mon, jerk!
Ryoga: what did you call me?! (chases after Ranma)
Ranma: a pig-headed jerk!! (thinks) One way to ensure that we get were we're going.

(A few minutes later, speeding away from the school and dashing round a variety of alleyways and roads... they reach the Cat Cafe's entrance.)

Ryoga: Raaanmmmaaa!!! Diiieeeee --
Ranma: -- hey moron, we're here now! You care for Akane, don't you? You wanna help her?
Ryoga: (feeling guilty) uh... yes of course I do.... Well, let's go inside then! 

(They open the door, unprepared for the sight they see.)

Ranma: what the --? (rubs eyes) No, it's true!
Ryoga: is that Shampoo?
Shampoo: (wearing a long, baggy dress and grey cardigan) Oh Mousse, you know I'm desperately in love with you! My soul yearns for yours! (tries to hug Mousse) Oh, marry me! I'm so sorry for the way I've so despicably treated you! 
Mousse: (in torn jeans and t-shirt) Get off Mousse! Shampoo leave me alone! I no want you so submissive! I prefer fiesty women! You odd and ugly! Go back to China, ice woman! (throws her across the room, she starts to cry and curls up in a ball)
Ranma: hey! You don't treat girls like that!!
Mousse: who...? Ah, it my good friends, Ranma and Ryoga! How you both doing? Ramen on the house!
Ranma: (to Ryoga) this doesn't look too good for the dried-up old ghoul.
Voice: (behind them) it's so nice to see the groom has still retained his manners.  
Ranma & Ryoga: huh? (turn round) Cologne!
Cologne: (on staff) I see the rain didn't get you, future groom.
Mousse: (interrupts) dear elder, may I interrupt?
Cologne: what is it, Mousse?  
Mousse: I have finished cleaning up. May I take break now?
Cologne: I suppose so. Be back to work in fifteen minutes _sharp_.
Mousse: (bows) anything you say, respectful elder of Chinese Amazon tribe. (leaves with Shampoo wrapped round his one of his legs)
Ryoga: how did Shampoo and Mousse avoid it and not you?
Cologne: they were out on deliveries at the time and I was inside; cooking for the lucky, unaffected ones. 
Ranma: What is it? Is there a cure? How can we get it? What're these weird pills I was given?
Cologne: slow down, son-in-law. Sit at this table and I'll explain as much as I can. 

End of chapter 2...

Chapter 3: Going out.

(Ranma and Ryoga sit down at a table with Cologne in the Cat Cafe. There are few customers)

Ranma: (his chair leans dangerously to one side but he catches himself) whoa!
Ryoga: (smug) looks like you got the defective chair Ranma, quite apt really.
Ranma: (daggers in eyes) you...!
Cologne: now boys, it's no time to play games. (to Ranma) I assume you want to help your fiancee, groom?
Ranma: even a macho chick like Akane don't deserve to be in love with an idiot like Kuno!
Cologne: (flatly) I was referring to Shampoo, son-in-law.
Ranma: (nervous) uh... I knew that. I'm not dumb!
Ryoga: some might disagree with that statement. 
Ranma: (to Ryoga) once this is all over, I'm gonna kick you --
Cologne: -- could you two stop your fighting and listen, _now_! I don't want my great-grandaughter to become such a weakling. Word from China has reached me that a young Amazon, who was dabbling in a mind-altering drug in order to win over her husband, dropped the unfinished drug into the local river in anger and impatience. A sample was caught and it turns out that she accidently created a "spirit cloud" which travels in the wind, attracted to areas of high magical and spiritual energy. It chose Nerima for obvious reasons and fell down as rain. It will fall down in three bursts. Anyone  touched by even one drop of it have their personalities warped but not completely changed. Any other questions, groom? ...Groom? 
Ranma: (thinks) I hope Akane's OK, it'd be really sick if she stayed in love with Kuno. What would happen to us the -- (out loud) uh... what? 
Ryoga: (teasing) Ranma, you weren't daydreaming about anyone, were you?
Ranma: I don't daydream about a tomboy like Akane! Who would?!
Ryoga: (a bit shocked) I... never mentioned Akane.
Ranma: Um. Heh... I knew that. I was just ...uh... er... 
Ryoga: Ranma, you really do -- 
Ranma: -- So ghoul, is there a cure for this purple rain thing or what?
Cologne: knowledge of spirit clouds is sparse and has only ever existed in legend. There is no known cure.
Ranma: that can't be right!!
Cologne: but that doesn't mean there can't be. I'm working on it, son-in-law. Just keep taking those preventative pills and check up with me later.
Ryoga: nothing else we can do?
Cologne: you could see if anyone el --

~Slam!~
(Someone bursts through the front entrance.)

Nodoka: son, there you are! You're OK! (hugs him tightly) Oh, sweetie darling, I was so worried about you! (starts to cry) It's so cold outside, today!
Ranma: hey, mom! What's up? You're all wet.
Nodoka: this ghastly coloured rain just ruined my fab new haircut! Look at me! I'm a total fashion disaster in need of help, ASAP!!
Ranma: wh --? Mom, what are you wearing??!

(Nodoka stands up uneasily in her high, high-heels, adjusting her very short red leather dress, her mascara is smudged and she is on the verge of more tears. Her hair is in a frizzy perm, a slightly flattened frizzy perm. She has a tiny leather handbag also and tosses off her wedding ring.) 

Nodoka: (to Cologne) hey granny, do you have a ladies room here? I need to freshen up!
Cologne: there's a bathroom just at the back. I'll lead you there. 
Nodoka: (to a very shocked Ranma) my little sweetie, (gives him a quick kiss on his cheek) I'll be back in an instant and we can go shopping, okee dokee? See if there's a Harvey Nicks in town.
Ranma: (jaw dropped to the floor) (gaping) ....
Nodoka: oh goody then! (totters off, tripping on her shoes) Dearie me, I'm so clumsy!

(Ranma and Ryoga are left staring after her)

Ryoga: and I thought your dad was an idiot.
Ranma: ....
Ryoga: hey Ranma, are you still with this world?
Ranma: ....  
Ryoga: (grins) oh, what a shame! It's just a pity that, unlike you, I'm honourable enough _not_ to take advantage of this situation. Aaargghh! It's just too hard!!!! I want to tear you apart from limb to limb _so_ much!

~Wham!~

Ryoga: hey!
Ranma: (removes his fist from Ryoga's face) lucky for you I woke up, then.
Nodoka: (comes back, looking slightly better for ware) my, my son, don't be so violent now. You could hurt your friend! 
Ranma: that's the point.
Nodoka: (takes his hand) c'mon, son.
Ranma: what is it?
Nodoka: I thought I'd take you shopping, darling... for some new clothes.
Ranma: I'm fine as I am.
Nodoka: I absolutely insist, my treatsy! Some nice, pretty dresses for your feminine side to look good in, sweetie-pie!
Ranma: NO WAY!!! Uh.. Mom... no thanks...
Ryoga: oh, go on Ranma, you know you want to.
Ranma: why --
Nodoka: you can bring your mate, too. I might even get you both a facial as a bonus, you adorable little sweethearts!! Oh golly, I'm coming out in a flush! (fans herself with a napkin from a table)
Ranma: he's not anywhere near being my friend!
Ryoga: I have an... urgent appointment to get to! Bye! (dashes out)
Nodoka: bye, cutie-pie! (sighs) If I was only twenty years younger.
Cologne: groom, you might want to know that it is raining outside.
Ranma: so?
Cologne: it's _raining_. And Ryoga, without an umbrella, is outside.
Ranma: (pause) (realises) Oh! Raining...!! So? 
Cologne: the rain could make Ryoga a match for you, being as extremely weak and defenceless against your _highly_superior abilties as he _always_ is, of course.
Ranma: you really think so? (runs outside) Hey, Ryoga!     
Cologne: sometimes, the groom is too easy to lie too and fool. (holds up Ranma's pill box in satisfaction.)

(Meanwhile, outside in the purple rain, Ranma spots Ryoga further down the street. Ryoga is down on his knees on th concrete, his fists gripped tightly together and his face screwed up in determination. Neither notice one important non-happening in the downpour.)

Ranma: (runs over to him) hey, Ryoga, you OK man?
Ryoga: (gritted teeth) must fight it... must...!
Ranma: c'mon, let's get back to the cafe before it takes effect.
Ryoga: (stands up slowly) too late...! Compulsion too great...
Ranma: for what? Compulsion for what?
Ryoga: I want to be...
Ranma: to be..?
Ryoga: (his eyes go all strange) t-to be...
Ranma: this doesn't sound too good.
Ryoga: ...your best buddy!
Ranma: (upset and shocked) no way! Fight it, Ryoga, fight it!!
Ryoga: no, I can't. I... I... l-like and respect you too much to.... to ever h-hate you!
Ranma: you can beat this thing!
Ryoga: I'm sorry...
Ranma: no...! No, Ryoga! You're tougher than this! 
Ryoga: but...
Ranma: (hopeful) yeah?
Ryoga: I love you, man! (hugs Ranma) You're my best bud and my hero! (gets violently dispatched) (covered in bruises) And such a kidder too! (laughs) (pats Ranma hard on his back with his usual delicacy and grace) Isn't this world so wonderful and beautiful? So full of eternal joy! (starts singing) I'll be there for yoouuu...! Like you're there for me tooo...!
Ranma: (picks himself out of the pavement) (to himself) I have to get out of here before I go insane.. spiritual cloud or no spiritual cloud! (starts to run towards somewhere... anywhere)
Ryoga: see you later, sempai! (cheery, fangy smile, bordering on the slightly disturbing)
Ranma: uh, yeah... (runs even faster) (thinks) How long is this rain gonna last?   

(A few minutes later, Ranma reaches the busy high street. Thugs are ransacking stores, sorry, policemen are ransacking stores; shop owners are not caring less and the eldery are beating up a bunch of young, leather-jacketed bikers -- who are pleading for their lives. It suddenly stops raining.)

Ranma: (looks around) this place is crazy, how can it get any worse?
Voice: take a lookie at that "guy" over there, Ko-chan, isn't he just the grossest wimp on my beloved Kuno's earth?
Ranma: who --? (turns around) Is it you...? Akane? And Kodachi?
Kodachi: (in long, cream dress with hair in a braid, holding a basket of groceries; safe and normal groceries) (her and Akane are underneath an umbrella) he f-frighten's me!!! Akane-chan, c-can we leave now? (cowers behind Akane) I want to g-go h-home!
Akane: surely we can Ko-chan! This really horrible guy makes me want to throw uppy-wuppy. Never thought someone could be as ugly as my Tatty-chan is handsome. (sighs lovingly) Oh Tatewaki, why can't you wuv me too, oh my widdle baby! (cries into a pink lace hankie) 
Ranma: your baby?! Akane, you're not preg --
Akane: -- perverted idiot! I mean, Kuno's my baby! (sighs)
Ranma: you called me perverted... and an idiot? 
Akane: (bemused) yes?
Ranma: (smiles) Akane.. do you think I'm an arrogant jerk also?
Akane: yes, definitely. Why does that make you so happy, ugly face?
Ranma: (grins) yes!! There's hope yet for you, Akane! You'll be back to a macho chick in no time!
Akane: I'll get Kuno-chan on you! When he finally accepts my proposal of marriage that is...
Ranma: (misses the last bit) you'll be back to beating me up by yourself, soon! I can't wait!! (backtracks) ...Kind of.  
Kodachi: (tugs on Akane's sleeve) he's weird, Akane-chan! I'm sc-scared. Can we go now, pretty-pretty please with cherries on top?
Akane: okay dokey, Ko-chan. Let's fix Kuno-chan a surprise dinner. (giggles incessantly) 
Kodachi: yaaay! (they skip happily off)
Ranma: there's one fate Kuno deserves... Akane's cooking. Unless she can cook now without committing a environmental health violation. (shakes head) No, I'm not lucky enough for that. (tug on leg) Huh? Happosai; back to normal, yet?
Happosai: I haven't felt so alive in years!! Do you think my tuxedo looks good? (adjusts bow-tie)
Ranma: why?
Happosai: I've got these roses and this ring (shows both) and I'm going to propose to Cologne-san!
Ranma: ugh, I don't even want to think about _that_!! (thinks) Considering how close I came to it a while back. (shivers)
Happosai: I'll see you later m'boy! (bounces off)
Ranma: (still shivering) imagine what would have happened if I'd taken the permenant pill. (goes _very_ pale) (hits head) Aw heck! I forgot about mom!! I'd better --
Voice: -- darling, there you are!!! Let's shop til we drop and then get a makeover!!!
Ranma: run as fast as I can. (shouts) I'll just look around, mom, and meet up with you later! See you!
Voice: bye sweetie-darling! I'm off to find some Bolly then. Ta-ra! Ooh ooh, and call me "mummy" in future!
Ranma: (to himself) now, what do I do? ~Ping!~ (Lightbulb above head) Ucchan's!! Of course! 

End of chapter 3...
Also I hope that the influence for Nodoka's new character is obvious enough, sweetie darlings. ^_^
PS, it's "mate" as in slang for pal or friend, I was just trying to use something different.

Chapter 4: The man in black (and silver).

(Ranma is making his way to "Ucchan's" when he spots purple rain clouds beginning to form overhead.)

Ranma: uh-oh, at least I have my pills. (Looks in pocket) Hey, where'd they go?! Could they be at --?

~Faint ka-blam!~

Ranma: huh? What's that in the sky? 

(The thing comes hurtling towards Ranma and he simply dodges it as it slams into the ground. As the cloud of dust dissipates, he recognises who it is.)

Ranma: so Happosai.... the ghoul didn't take to well to your marriage proposal, ne?
Happosai: (covered in bruises, bloody cuts and a deep impression of a cane on his face, some of his joints seem slightly out of place) (coughs) she's just playing... ~kof!~ ...hard t-to get.. ~kaf!~ ...my lovely Cologne-san. 
Ranma: I think she's sincerely repulsed.. or not so sincerely. Hmm... I didn't think a limb could bend that way? Are you double-jointed, Happosai?
Happosai: ~kof!~ ~kaf!~ no. But fear not... I shall win that fair maiden's heart yet! (dashes back in the direction of the Cat Cafe.) (croaks into distance) My dear Cologne-san, your Happy's coming foooor yoooouuuu!!! 
Ranma: now _there's_ a chilling threat if I ever heard one. (continues on his way and sees "Ucchan's" in a matter of minutes with Konatsu's not so cheerful face greeting him. Konatsu is standing beside the slightly ajar entrance of the restaurant and occasionally glances inside. He seems to be shocked by something inside.)
Ranma: Hey, Konatsu! I'm here to check up on Ucchan. What's going on? 
Konatsu: I'm not quite sure but Ukyo's acting strangely. Her behaviour's gone from bad to worse today... She's driven away all her customers.
Ranma: (sad) poor Ucchan, she musta been caught by the purple rain.
Konatsu: purple rain?
Ranma: uh yeah, it causes people to act weird. Most of Nerima seems to be affected. (starts to step inside to have a look.)
Konatsu: (stops him) be prepared for a shock, Ranma. It's not pretty.
Ranma: heh. After what I've already seen today I think I can pretty much handle anything. (opens the door) Ucchan, where are you? (looks around at the 'decorations') A dartboard with a picture of me on it... "I hate Ranma" and "Ranma is a triple-timing womanising perverted jerk" scrawled on the wall and on burnt okonomiyake... (thinks) Seems Ukyo hates me, kinda like Akane except that Ukyo loves me, and Akane...? Does Akane -- ?her eyes
Konatsu: that's what she was like this morning, obsessing madly about you and planning your downfall.  But then she went out in a rage when I asked what was wrong.. and came back... very different.
Ranma: I'm sure it can't get much worse than this.
Voice: (from just out of sight) Oho-oho-ho-oh-hohohoh!!! 
Ranma: (shakes head) (feeling of impending doom) no, oh no, not that...
Konatsu: (sad) yes, that. And it gets worse...
Darkened figure: (appearing from the back) Ohhohohoo...! Konatsu, what's the matter? I was trying to do a tattoo to convey my anger with the oppressive establishment. (eyes start to glaze over) And who is this.. this... 
Ranma: is that you, Ucchan? It's me, Ranma.
Ukyo: (wearing a long, black ripped dress with slightly torn tights, the top of the dress is rather revealing and there seems to be a botched-up attempt of a tattoo on her arm. She has dark lipstick on and black make-up surrounding , giving her a Gosunkugi look. The hair is loose and tangled like she's just stepped out of a hedge and into a heavy metal concert in full swing.) (to Ranma) Ranma...! (whips a blackened spatula out murderously)
Ranma: ulp... Ucchan! 
Ukyo: (descends on him with a strange look in her eyes) Ooohh... Ranma, you're.....
Ranma: I won't fight you, I --
Ukyo: ...gorgeous! Come here, baby!
Ranma: uhh?! But I thought you hated me! (to Konatsu) I thought you said --
Ukyo: (shrugs) change of heart. Now I _want_ you, right here, right now. (whips out an odd-smelling okonomiyake and waves it infront of the two)
Ranma: (at the door) this doesn't smell right, Konatsu. I'm gonna see how the old mummy's getting along with an antidote. You keep an eye on Ukyo. (feels a little woozy) There's something familiar about that smell...
Konatsu: I don't feel too good, a little sleepy... but I don't recommend going outside either. The purple rain is back.
Ranma: aw heck, and I have no pills left!
Ukyo: (to Ranma) (sultry voice) Let's cook us up a real fire, lover boy. (bats her eyelashes seductively)
Ranma: (nervous) I.. uh... _really_ have to go! A dentist appointment! (runs outside) (a sudden breeze whisks by him) (looks around) Konatsu was right, it _is_ raining... but I'm not affected? Why? (turns to see an old man holding an umbrella over him, he has a withered, melancholy look to his face and wears a tattered old black and silver Chinese-style outfit) Who -- ?!
Old man: (whispers) take this and be careful, (hands him the umbrella) I have to go before she sees me! (runs off at high speed)
Ranma: (runs after him) wait up! Who are you?! 
Ukyo: hey baby, don't leave me, come back! (runs after him)

(Ukyo loses Ranma when she succumbs to the toxic smell of her own sleeping gas from the okonomiyake. Ranma gives up chasing the mysterious person after a few miles through winding streets. He's now standing outside the wall of rather well-to-do house, looking around for any trace of the unknown man. It seems a rather nice but normal suburb. Within a few seconds the rain stops, the clouds clear and the sun beams.) 

Ranma: Geez, that old guy's quick! He must be a martial arts master, he was able to sneak up on me without me noticing for quite a bit. Hardly anyone can do that. I wonder who he was...? (checks out the area he's in) Seems familiar... (recognition dawns) Not the Kuno's! I don't know if I could handle "Kuno-chan" again. Brrr... (starts to walk away)
Voice: (crying) waaahh!!! ~sniff~ Mommmyyy! ~sniffle~ I want my mommy!!

(Ranma notices someone curled up, leaning against the wall of Kuno's house. It seems to be a girl but he can't see their face.)   

Ranma: (walks over) are you alright? (kneels down) (gently turns them to face him) Gaah! Akane? What happened?
Akane: (a bundle of tears) (very pale) (all wet) a n-nasty man in tye-dye tried to hurt me when I was having a picnic with my friend in her backgarden. Then it rained! I want my mommy!  (bursts into tears)
Ranma: (angry) I'll make Kuno pay, bigtime!!!  
Akane: (very meek and quiet voice) you don't have to but could you please not hurt anyone. I don't like violence and confrontations are so messy... but you do whatever you want to do.  I don't mind. So sorry! (starts to cry again)
Ranma: (softening) hey, no big deal, Akane. I won't hurt Kuno... I promise.
Akane: thank-you, you're the nicest person I've ever met. I'm feeling very tired... can you carry me home? 
Ranma: uh... yeah, sure. (gently puts his arms around her and lifts her up, she snuggles up to him and wraps her arms around his neck) (his face goes beetroot red as he struggles with some internal battle and he suddenly runs towards the Tendo's at a very fast speed)
Akane: please slow down, dear Ranma, I feel sick...
Ranma: of course. (slows down instantly) (thinks) She's so weak! After I take her back, I'm gonna see the old ghoul and nothin' can slow me down this time. I miss the old Akane... I really do... 

(A short while later, Ranma arrives at the Tendo's and uses a rather conservative manner to enter the house -- through the doorway.)

Ranma: the place seems pretty quiet. Yo Akane, we're here now. Akane? (he realises she's fallen asleep) (kneels down and gently puts her down on the sofa in the living room) (quietly) There ya go... (stands up)
Akane: (whispers something very quietly) 
Ranma: what? You're awake now? Speak louder. 
Akane: (coughs pathetically and beckons him towards her)
Ranma: (kneels back down again beside her) what is it?
Akane: (croaks very quietly) I... I...
Ranma: (stares intently trying to read her lips and strains to hear) yes?
Akane: I love you!
Ranma: what?! (freezes in shock)
Akane: (grabs his head and kisses him passionately on the lips for what seems forever but is actually a minute or two) 
Ranma: (snaps out of his shock and backs away) (reddens intensely) A... Akane! Y-you --?! I --?! W-we --?!
Akane: I love you so very much, my dear, adorable Ranma-chan! (smiles at him lovingly)
Ranma: (neural sensory overload) (heart does the New York marathon in record time) I... I..! 

~flump!~
(Ranma faints)

Akane: (struggles up despite actually being a bit tired) no, my love!
Voice: (from the entrance of the living room) hmmm... this, I could make something out of.

(A while later... In the living room. Ranma is now lying on the couch being watched over by two familiar faces.)

Ranma: (wakes up) (slowly sits up) (eyes not yet open) oh god! What a dream I had. The whole of Nerima went nuts and Akane kissed me!  
Akane: that's right, my sweet. It was a whole hour ago... Feels like forever! (sighs and hugs him)
Ranma: (blushes red) I w-wasn't dreaming?
Akane: And soon we'll be married! (hugs him even tighter)
Ranma: muh-married?! Uh-us?! (thinks) Doesn't that involve commitment?
Akane: (ultra sympathetic) poor thing, you're developing a stutter! (pinches his cheeks lovingly) 
Ranma: stop pinching me! And who're you gonna get to marry us, ne, ne? Everyone in this town has gone crazy! (seems happy with this answer)
Akane: why, my love... the lovely Tatewaki Kuno.
Ranma: Kuno! _That_ twerp?
Akane: why, the nice religous people made him a priest today!
Ranma: how long did it take him to do that?
Akane: ooh, about an hour. The same as your father.
Ranma: My father's a priest?
Akane: no...
Ranma: oh, lucky church.
Akane: (smile) ...he's a monk, along with the delightful Mikado! Doesn't that news just brighten up your day? Committing himself to religious devotion.
Ranma: hmmm... living a life of poverty and servitude -- 
Akane: it isn't like --
Ranma: -- not able to stuff his greedy face day and ni --
Akane: -- that at all, Ra -- 
Ranma: -- yes!! Woohooo! I''m rid of him! Forever!!! (jumps up in celebration)
Akane: (examining him with worry) Ranma-chan, I think that the stress is getting to you. How about a lie-down... on my bed. (smiles not-so-innocently)
Voice: (behind Ranma) (iceberg-cool) I wouldn't recommend that. It'll cost you to keep it secret.
Ranma: huh? Nabiki? (turns around with Akane clasped to his side) No, it's a guy!
A Guy: (stony-faced) Very funny, Ranma. You already owe me for the Akane kiss. Plus tax and other expenses. And if you want info on the cure, that'll cost you even more...
Ranma: hey, you look a little different in a black business suit... but I recognise your voice! You're...

End of chapter 4...
"Ranma-chan" is instead of "Ran-chan", which is already taken by someone else... ^_^ 
If I ever refer to female Ranma, it will be as "Onna-Ranma" so as to minimise confusion.

Chapter 5: Deny (almost) everything...

A Guy: that's right Ranma, it's me.
Ranma: but.. naah... it can't be!
A Guy: just deal with it Saotome, this conversation is getting old fast.
Ranma: ...Tsubasa?
Akane: oh, hi-de-hi Tsubasa! You want to come to our wedding in a couple of hours? You can be best man!
Tsubasa: (ignores her) (to Ranma) now let's talk business.
Ranma: what business?
Tsubasa:  since I ditched the dress and got a life...? Oh, just some blackmail, a little extortion and some spying. The usual. Now, you owe me some money.  
Ranma: I don't think so.
Tsubasa: (slightly annoyed) oh, and why not, Saotome?
Ranma: 'cos I can't take guys like you seriously.
Tsubasa: guys... like... me...?
Ranma: yeah, the ones with pink Sailor Moon ribbons in their hair.
Tsubasa: (cheeks go redder than ruby) oh.. ahem! 'Scuse me a sec. (takes ribbon out of hair quickly and pushes the curls back) (regains compusure) (starts teasing)  ..and how did a big macho martial artist like you know what a Sailor Moon ribbon look like, hmm?
Ranma: (grabs ribbon and stretches it out for full view) because it said "I'm A Sailor Moonie! ^_^" on it.
Tsubasa: (lukewarm cool expression) stop changing the subject, you owe me big time for these. (spreads photos across the table infront of Ranma and Akane)
Ranma: (looks through them at mega-quick speed) wha...? Wha..? Wha..?!
Tsubasa: so... what do you say now? I have backups stored in a safe place, remember.
Ranma: you're not gonna sell these!
Tsubasa: so you're finally taking me serious now. And in answer to your question... as many as possible. (smirks)
Ranma: but if anyone sees 'em, they'll think I'm a --
Tsubasa: and you expect me to care?
Ranma: (whispers to Tsubasa) but if Akane ever gets cured.... and she sees these... she'll --
Akane: I won't care, my Ranma-chan, because I love you for who you are, not for other's misguided judgements! I've always loved you!!  
Ranma: (sadly) (in a low voice) not always, not before this thing happened...
Akane: yes, I did! I know I did!
Ranma: (to himself) I wish I could buy that...
Tsubasa: excuse me people, I have business to attend to and have no time for a lover's squabble. I'll get payment from you (Ranma) later. (starts to walk away) (stops just before the exit)  By the way Ranma...
Ranma: what? 
Tsubasa: this is going to put you into even more debt but... if you want answers for this purple rain, I'd say go to Cologne. She knows more than she's telling. 
Ranma: how do you know?
Tsubasa: if I told you, I'd have to kill you... Don't even think of laughing Ranma, let's just say I still have a way with heavy blunt objects and smashing them into people, and I've gotten better. (evil smile which lowers room temperature by a couple of degrees) (leaves house)
Ranma: he doesn't scare me, not one bit... but I sure am cold! (walks in the same direction as Tsubasa)
Akane: um.. my lovely, where are you going? 
Ranma: uh, I'm going to see if the dried-up old mummy has any answers for me. You'll stay here, won't you? It's not safe outside.
Akane: (dreamy look) (sighs delicately) Of course, I will. I knew you cared for me....! I hope Tatewaki Kuno comes by soon, we need to plan our wedding. You will make a handsome groom, my Ranma! I'll stay here and make you something for afternoon tea.
Ranma: I'll be back as soon as I can. (thinks) Let's hope this curse has some good side-effects or I'm going to spend the night getting my stomach pumped.
Akane: I truly hope you'll return to me...
Ranma: see ya'! (runs outside)

(Cut to the high street, still as busy as before. People are still trying to ransack stores but they have changed from policemen and the elderly to the Girl Guides and the Samaritans. Windows are smashed and broken and shops are becoming like open-air markets free-for-all. No traffic can get down the busy streets. Through the rush comes running Ranma, recognisable not because of his pigtail or chinese-style clothing but because he is going faster than a F1 car. Hardly anyone can spot him on his way to the Cat Cafe.)

Voice: (to Ranma) My sweetie!! Over here!

(I did say _hardly_ anyone...) 

Ranma: (stops immediately) huh? Mom?
Nodoka: (comes running out of one of the less-burgled shops, clutching the hand of a young boy) how are you doing, son? We managed to avoid the rain, I hope you didn't catch a cold running about like that.
Ranma: we?
Nodoka: oh yes, I'd like to introduce you to your future brother!
Ranma: my... future brother. Who?
Nodoka: yes, I've decided to adopt this adorable little sweetheart. (steps out of the way to reveal a shy but starry-eyed boy of Ranma's age behind her.)
Boy: (in a pastel coloured suit with a flowery tie. He seems to wearing make-up and his hair is greased back) h-hi! I -I'm a big fan of yours, Ranma sensei. Y-you couldn't sign my autograph book for me, could you? It would be a real honour!!
Nodoka: sweetie darling, this delightful boys name is...
Ranma: ...Pantyhose Tarou??!!
Nodoka: what a bright little sonny-boy I have, yes! I'm sure you and Panty will be great friends!
Pantyhose Tarou: I do have a nice name don't I, sensei? It is such an honour to hear you address me! (bows) One day I hope the Great Master Happosai will do the same. (sighs wistfully)
Ranma: look mom, I --
Nodoka: mummy, please! Remember?
Ranma: uh... "mummy", I have to go now.
Nodoka: but you haven't picked your dress, yet!
Ranma: (hedges) I have to go... for a manicure. 
Nodoka: oh, that's okay then! You better go if you don't want to be late, cutie!
Ranma: later, mom!
Nodoka: mummy!
Ranma: uh... whatever. (continues at racing car speed) (fades away into the distance)

(Five minutes later.... Outside the Cat Cafe shop... which seems eerily quiet but infact is not because weird smells of Amazon potions are seeping through the streets... Ranma comes to another sudden halt just inches from the door. He listens for a few seconds, hears Cologne's voice and decides to go in.... He wanders quietly through to the kitchen. Cologne is balancing on her cane and stirring ingredients in her cauldron... ahem, I mean her boiling pot. She has her back to Ranma and seems quite involved with what she's doing. Ranma tries to take a peak at what the elderly Amazon is up to.)

Cologne: (whirs round) why hello again, son-in-law. Please don't make such a noise next time.
Ranma: but how --?
Cologne: what can I do for you, groom?
Ranma: don't call me that!
Cologne: OK, son-in-law.
Ranma: ....
Cologne: I have to get back to my search for the cure. Now what is it you're after? 
Ranma: I heard that you know more than you're saying...
Cologne: why would I? I don't want my Shampoo stuck like the way she is!
Ranma: I guess...
Cologne: (whips a cup out of nowhere) you must be thirsty, here have some tea. It's native to the Amazon region.
Ranma: thanks! (puts it to his lips)
Voice: NO!!! (speeds out of the shadows and goes for the cup that Ranma is drinking. Cologne sticks out her cane and trips him up. He bashes into an unsuspecting Ranma, who accidently swallows the whole lot and stands looking dazed -- all of this in 1.1 seconds) (comes to halt) (it is the old man who helped Ranma earlier) No! I'm too late!!! And Ranma's too gullible!! Aaargh, what a combination!
Cologne: <I thought it was you interfering... such a pity that you failed.>
Man in black (and silver): (determined) <I can't let you win again, Cologne....>

End of chapter 5....

Chapter 6: The truth will out.

(Ranma stands googly-eyed and his eyes are all glazed over. His body seemes to be fighting an inward battle with Cologne's Amazon "tea" and the old Nabiki would just kill to get some photos of him doing involuntary Jim Carrey impressions as, at the moment, his face looks like it has just eaten a "meal" created by Akane.)

Cologne: <you have no right to get involved! You are still regarded as an outsider.>
Man in black: <I've lived in that village since I was 19! Even if it was against my will...>
Cologne: <No-one forced you to marry my daughter, no gun was held to your head.>
Man in Black: (bitter) <that's because I was drugged up and ready to go! Married to a warrior widow, with two kids, without even knowing it! And when I recovered, it was too late to come back to Japan, to my home!! All my honour lost forever! I had a family, y'know? A girlfriend, too... > (sighs sadly)
Cologne: <we've had this conversation many times before and it's getting rather old. Go back to the village, Rosuke Saotome, it's too late for you to make amends for your past.>
Man in Black (now Rosuke):  <I'm here to help my nephew, Genma, and his son! I won't let you use this so-called "spiritual cloud" to hook another unsuspecting young kid... (spits it out) "mother-in-law..."> 
Cologne: (points towards a recovering Ranma) (smug) <You failed. When this boy wakes up, he will fall in love with my miraculously cured great-grandaughter and out of love with that Tendo girl. And everyone's too busy to notice, quite convenient really. (smirks) There's nothing you can do now.
Rosuke: (under breath) (in native Japanese) or so you think, crone. (speeds across the room, Cologne tries to intercept him but he's too quick and she's unprepared and he throws her over to the pot of strange boiling liquid from where the "tea" came from. She twists mid air and misses the pot, diving towards him but Rosuke is already gone and taps her on the back. He has an inane grin on his face.) Too late, Cologne, you taught me too well...
Cologne: no jokes, Rosuke. What have you done?
Rosuke: who me... joke?
Voice: Ranma! There you are, I was worried about you, my love! You were taking so long!
Cologne & Rosuke: (twist round to see who has entered the kitchen without them noticing) who?
Cologne: Akane! Why hello, young girl.
Akane: (rushes up to a motionless Ranma and shakes) dear Ranma, what's wrong? Speak to me!!
Ranma: (blinks awake) uh? Wha--? I... (shakes head) (focuses) H-hello Akane!
Cologne: <watch Rosuke, as the purple rain drink kicks in and he rejects her.> 
Rosuke: (strangely OK about all this)  <I'm watching...>
Ranma: (stands still for a moment as the drug takes it's effect) Akane... Akane...
Akane: yes?
Ranma: (on his knee, holds her hand) fair maiden, will you marry me? I love you dearly!
Akane: (stars in her eyes and dreams of a romantic wedding and honeymoon) (puts her other hand to her heart) oh yes, my Ranma!
Cologne: <WHAT?!> 
Ranma: my heart leaps at your acceptance! (sings beautifully) The earth hath never seen a star such as you tonight, so beautiful, balletic in grace and bright! You shall have all that you desire, for you set my lowliest heart on fire! Harsh words will never reach thine ear as thou art my one and only dear!
Akane: how beautiful! (giggles softly) Oh, I think I'm going to faint from all this excitement...! (giggles again)

(Ranma sweeps Akane up into his arms and dashes out of the kitchen.)

Cologne: < (to Rosuke) ...you! He shouldn't be reacting like this, he's only had a small, weak dose!>
Rosuke: <wrong there, old mummy, he's had a much higher, more concentrated dose of that "purple rain" than you think... doubly more concentrated. He probably couldn't care less about Shampoo now.>
Cologne: <such impudence from an outsider! No more! (tries to move but can't) What have you done to me?>
Rosuke: <that little tap on your shoulder had a slow paralysing effect on you.>
Cologne: <the right shoulder is the wrong place for such a technique! It shouldn't work.> (tries unsuccessfully to move)
Rosuke: (smug) <that's because it's a male Amazonian technique which even "outsiders" like me can learn. And now you're going to get a taste of your own medicine, mother-in-law. (shakes an empty mug at her, scoops some liquid out of the boiling pot, kneels down and dangles it over Cologne's head) Ha-ha! Now tell me the cure, you dried up old mummy or become a weak-willed submissive woman who likes nothing better than to cook and clean for her _man_.>
Cologne: <you never did mature, it's uncanny how much you and groom are alike.>
Rosuke: <I never gotta chance to mature in any way; force-feeding me obscure and out-dated Amazon martial arts techniuqes like I was some sorta drone! This is where it ends, ghoul.... now answer me!>
Cologne: <I will never submit to a man, especially an outsider.>
Rosuke: <a stubborn old bat to the end. Now here's the end!>

(Cologne says nothing as Rosuke splashes the mixture all over her. She stays completely still as the inevitable change wrecks havoc on her Amazonian born-and-bred personality.) 

Rosuke: so, Cologne..?
Cologne: (comes out of temporary stupor) yes honourable sir, how may I help you?
Rosuke: some ramen... now woman!! I don't have all day!
Cologne: (nods head and scurries off) yes sir, yes sir. (trips over stick and clumsily knocks over some ingredients)
Rosuke: idiot woman! (thinks) Man, this is fun!
Cologne: sorry, most honorable guest. (stands at kitchen counter for a few minutes randomly chucking in ingredients) hmmm.... what should I add? Vinegar. White wine. What's this..? Mayonaisse? Sounds interesting. (cooks for a while longer while Rosuke stands and watches with a permanent grin. A burning smell emanates from the oven.) Oh, my! I left ramen in oven for too long! So sorry! (removes bowl with bare hands) Aaah! Too hot! (drops it)

~Smash!~

Cologne: (covered in what was supposed to be ramen) oh, dearie me! (sweeps pieces of the floor) Aaah, my back! 
Rosuke: (teasing) typical female, always messing things up!
Cologne: you right there, ever since my darling Shaving Foam passed away, I have been poor woman. I need strong man to help old woman such as me. Happy, where you go, my new love?  
Voice Unfortunately Not From Afar: here, Cologne-chan!!! (smashes through window and doesn't notice) (bounds over to a lovestruck Cologne) (still in tux, holding a bunch of withered flowers) Happy's back!
Rosuke: (thinks) do I hate the old bat _that_ much? Is it possible to hate someone that much?

(Cologne and Happosai embrace and are about to kiss when...)

Rosuke: alright, she's totally gone! I'm convinced!! (runs out of the kitchen, and out of the Cafe, desperately trying not to be sick)   
Happosai: my dear Cologne! (puckers lips)

~Wham!~
~Whack!~
~Kerrang!~
~Extremely painful noises of things the men on this fanfiction list do _not_ want to know about!~

(Happosai is extremely unconscious and is lying in the corner of the kitchen with various sharp and blunt instruments scattered around him and on (well, technically, _in_) him. Cologne is looking smug but angry too.)

Cologne: (thinks) of all of the horrors I've had to endure in my life, I think this rates very highly in that list. (shivers at memory) What I have to go through to help my Shampoo? That foolish Rosuke didn't think that I would leave myself so vulnerable to the mind-altering drug, did he? He was easily fooled by my weakling act, though. (pulls out small bag out of seemingly nowhere, tips the contents onto her hands. They are the preventative pills Rosuke gave Ranma earlier. Pops another one into her mouth) 
Happosai: (croaks) darling Cologne...

~WHAM!~

Cologne: (picks up her new ultra-lead-reinforced cane and straightens it) looks like I'll have to go deal with the new mess Rosuke has caused, then. It should take a few hours, at the most. (bounces off, leaving a way, way out-of-it Happosai in the floor.)

(Leaving the troubled Cat Cafe, the metaphorical camera zooms down the main streets, twisting and curving past the lunacy of the crazed Nerima -- Dr. Tofu and Kasumi fighting violently over a packet of cigarettes in a bus shelter; Pantyhose Taro trying on a pink dress, laced, inscribed with his name; Ukyo staging an impromptu Marilyn Manson-style street gig in honour of Ranma and anti-totalitarianism; Nabiki collecting for a charity that isn't in aid of herself; Kodachi playing with her My Little Pony dolls; Gosunkugi streetfighting against Akari -- till we finally come across the Tendo Dojo which is being covered in wedding banners by an unaffected Soun. 
    Sneaking a peak inside, through the porch, we see Akane and Ranma getting ready for their wedding, having already rung Kuno and asked him to come over and perform the ceremony. Ranma soon finishes getting ready and starts reading a Dosteovsky novel for a break.) 

Akane: (coming down the stairs in her wedding Kimono with Ranma's happy gaze over her fom down below.) Oh darling! What do you think? 
Ranma: you look like the most wondrous goddess on this earthly plane of existence!! Why thou ever chose such a worthless gentleman as me -- for I am but a cipher for all things unreal -- I will never know!  (violins start in the background)
Akane: (giggles) you have such a way with words, my love! 

~Knock-knock~

Akane: who could that be? Dear Ranma, would you get it please, I wouldn't want to dirty my beautiful dress.
Ranma: anything for you! (rushes to the door dramitically and opens it)
Rosuke: hello, you don't know me but I'm a relative. My name's Rosuke Saotome. (bows)
Ranma: (bows back) it is a great honour to have such a brave warrior as you in my humble abode. Do, please come in. 
Rosuke: you know me?
Ranma: why yes! I oft remember a night when my delightful father recounted the tragic but ultimately heroic story of war, honour, destiny and a love that could never be!!
Rosuke: uh yeah. (thinks) What have I done to this kid?! He's beginning to remind me of that pervert I knew in high school, whassisname... something... Kuno? (walks into the living room just as Soun finished putting decorations out the back and is now inside too.) Who are you? Are you Mr. Tendo?
Soun: (interrupted from his reverie) yes, and who are you?
Rosuke: I --
Ranma: this mighty warrior is my grand-uncle, Rosuke Saotome!
Rosuke: "grand-uncle"... did I really need to be reminded 'bout that? Jeesh! 
Soun: ahh, Mr. Saotome, is an honour to have you attend my daughters wedding! (Thinks) ...Who is finally getting married! Yeee-eesss!
Rosuke: it is? (thinks) Doesn't he know the shameful truth? Or is he drugged as well? (thinks) Look, Mr. Tendo, there's something you have to know before you let this marriage go ahead...
Soun: what? Oh no, not again! Can't anything go right for me?! (Starts blubbering incoherently) (faints)
Rosuke: wow, this purple rain has really had a bad effect on your father, Akane!
Akane: rain? My daddy hasn't been out all day. He's always been a little over emotional.
Rosuke: huh, really. Well, when he recovers, we'll talk. In the mean time, you couldn't delay the wedding thing for a few hours, eh? (thinks) Or, until I find a cure... Preventative pills are nothing if you're already gone round the bend. 

~click~
~Fwsssh~

Cologne: (sweeps in out of nowhere) I think I can arrange that request. Permenantly.
Rosuke: Cologne?! But I --
Cologne: fool... With the body of a grandfather and the heart of a teenager. You had such potential too.
Rosuke: the game's not over yet, grandma... You're outnumbered, for a start.
Akane: what's going on, here? Rosuke? Elder Cologne?
Cologne: (ignores her) Oh, I wouldn't say that, would I...

~Rumble~
~Wham!~
~Crumble~
(A part of the wall collapses and a figure emerges from the dust clutching a bonbori.)

Cologne: ...Shampoo?
Shampoo: (furious) (back in old chinese clothing) Shampoo kill Akane for drugging me, and making me wear grey cardigan (shudders inwardly at memory), in order to snare darling Ranma away from Shampoo! Now I kill! (runs towards a terrified Akane)
Rosuke: Ranma! Help your fiancee! Ranma? Where'd he go? (looks at trail of dust gathering out towards the back garden) Coward. (hits own head) Gah! I'm such a short-sighted idiot sometimes!
Akane: Ranma! Where are you, my lovely? Please help me!
Shampoo: (advancing on Akane) (very angry) Akane pay for mistake!
Rosuke: no! (moves but can't) Unh!! You old ghoul...! You did this!
Cologne: yes, it's an old _female_ Amazon technique. Now, I'll save Akane if you agree to my terms!

End of Chapter 6... 

Chapter 7: Singing in the rain. 

Cologne: well, your answer please...
Rosuke: (still stuck in place) (big -- I mean _really big and nasty_ -- glare, honest!) ....!

(At that moment, Shampoo is chasing round Akane, who is whimpering and sobbing for help but actually quite agile and not in the least bit the clumsy, macho chick she usually i -- ~Wham!~ ~Whack!~ ~Hammer!~ Hey, that hurt!! Oooh, I feel sleepy....
    ...Anyway, Shampoo is smashing her bonbori into everything trying to hit Akane and is creating a real mess.  It's now a house minus a 2 or 3 walls (and still standing, yes, remember it's in Nerima), a mirror (bad luck, Shampoo...), a wedding cake (half of it now lying upside-down on a still seemingly unconscious Soun) and quite a few chunks of floor and ceiling.) 

Shampoo: this not right... Akane! You come back and get kiss of death! Only polite! 
Akane: (still wearing wedding Kimono, which hasn't even been torn) waaaaahhhh!!!! Please (slide) don't (dodge) hurt (jump) me (backflip) !!!  I want my mooommmyy!!
Rosuke: ...what are your terms? 
Cologne: you've accepted your loss finally?
Rosuke: your. Terms. Please.
Cologne: as you wish... Firstly, Ranma will be persuaded to marry Shampoo and the wedding will take place within an hour.
Rosuke: (flatly) oh, I didn't see _that_ one coming.
Cologne: secondly, you will do the persuading.
Rosuke: no way!
Shampoo: die, macho girl! (swipes with bonbori)
Akane: aaahhh! (falls over) (breathing heavily) Too tired to move, so sleepy.... (falls asleep instantly, like a kitten)
Shampoo: now Akane I kill! (sword comes out of nowhere)
Rosuke: OK! OK! Now, stop her!
Cologne: Shampoo, can you hold off your killing, just temporarily...
Shampoo: (demeanour changes from psycho to loving great-grandaughter in a disturbingly short period of time) yes, great-grandmother! 
Cologne: I have some more terms.
Rosuke: (groans) what?
Cologne: I want you back at the village with your wife, where you belong.
Rosuke: She's not as bad as a battleaxe like you!  I was goin' to go back, y'know! 
Cologne: oh yes, son-in-law, and I'm going to win Miss Young Amazon Bikini contest 1997.
Rosuke: are you trying to make me ill or somethin' with that image?
Cologne: (whacks him over head with cane) you should have more manners at your age. I also want you to make sure that none of the remaining "admirers" get in the way.
Rosuke: how? 
Cologne: that's your problem... well? What is your answer?
Rosuke: I --
Voice #1: don't --. 
Voice #2: think -- 
Voice #3: so.

(Cologne, Shampoo turn around to see who it is. Rosuke, of course, is still held by Cologne's powerful disabling technique and can't see. The three figures are not who you'd expect, unless you're really brainy, perceptive, psychic, have bribed me (all major credit cards accepted) or have cheated and skipped this part. ^_^)  

Figure #1 (formerly known as Voice #1): looks like you underestimated us. Well, no more...
Figure #2 (Voice #2, duh!): it seems, Cologne, your cognitive processes could not fully comprehend the complexity of this chemical compound which you used to your advantage. I think you also need some counselling to explore this socio-obsessive complex of yours which has led to some deep repurcussions within a society which functions differently from your native one.
Everyone else: ...?
Figure #3: he means that we're gonna kick your deceitful Amazon butt back to where it belongs after druggin' us to kingdom come!
Figure #2: quite.
Shampoo: Shampoo recognise you! (Points to Figure #2) You be --
Firgure #2: yes, I am. How very perceptive of you, Shampoo. Cognitive learning must have been highly developed in your matriachal society, perhaps as a result of it.
Cologne: but I saw you three on my way over, you weren't like this...
Figure #1: it seems that there was a fourth rain cloud hanging over Nerima and it showered down on us 'bout 10 minutes ago in a very short burst. 
Figure #2: I have a theory that Cologne merely tried to capitalise on an event beyond her control and did not orchestrate the whole proceedings.
Figure #3: you've had nothin' but theories all the way over, Ryoga, man!
Ryoga (figure #2): (wearing a plain white suit with hair neatly combed and no bandanna in sight) If I was still capable of negative emotions, I would probably be tempted to challenge you to a rather brutal fight, Gosunkugi, in which I would gladly pummel you into unconsciousness....
Gosunkugi (figure #3): whatever. By the way the name's Gossar the Great, kick-ass super-hero! (Kick-ass super-hero music starts in the background) 
Cologne: Shampoo, turn off "Superman", it's not polite to watch someone else's TV. (thinks) And the music was getting on my nerves...
Shampoo: but I always watch Dean Cain at this time! He have very big --
Cologne: -- that's quite enough, Shampoo... (very calm) (looks at figure #1) And what is your opinion on all of this? You've been awfully quiet, Miss Kodachi.   
Kodachi (figure #1): (wearing light blue jumpsuit with a plain, white sash) yes, I am now a quiet, calm, modest heroine who mulls over a problem with a detached but genius-like eye.
"Gossar": (wearing rambo-type outfit with army boots which don't suit his 'delicate' figure, to say the least) (sarcastic) yeah, right, modest, uh-huh!
Kodachi: (ignores him) now, where were we?
Cologne: in the process of trying to save Akane from Shampoo so that Ranma wouldn't have to marry my great-grandaughter.
Kodachi: oh yes, that's right. Thank you.
Cologne: it's a pleasure. Shampoo..?
Shampoo: yes, great-grandmother?
Cologne: I want you to --
"Gossar": nuh-uh! I don't think so! (jumps high in the air, ready to strike. Screeching guitar music blasts out of nowhere)
Cologne: Shampoo, I said turn off that television! I don't care if it's MTV, you have a fight!
Shampoo: (unhappy) yes, I fight... (lashes out at "Gossar", who dodges her kicks with amazing ease while making faces at her) Why you --! (gets angry)
Rosuke: go for it, "Gossar"!
"Gossar": (to Shampoo) nyah! (dodge, dodge) Nyah! (sticks out tongue) Bimbo!

~Klaam!~

Shampoo: (holding dented television over a rather sore-headed ) THAT IT! _No-one_ call Shampoo bimbo!
"Gossar": (slightly wobbly) how about... an idiotic slut who can't even get a husband?
   
~KERRWHHAMM!!!~
("Gossar" now embedded in TV)

Shampoo: now stupid "Gossar" die!!

~Vsssh-wsssh!~
~Shak!~
~Shak!~
~Shak!~
~Shak!~
~...etc!~

(Shampoo is now wrapped up in several white sashes and gets stuck to the remaining wall with special martial arts biros.)

Kodachi: good teamwork, Ryoga-kun. But I never of thought you as a martial artist, being so peaceful, and the biros were truly inspired.
Ryoga: I use martial arts non-violently, Kodachi-san, for a long-term peaceful end. Now why don't we remove Gosunkugi from the TV? I think it would be better for his long-term health.
Kodachi: you do that, I have to go find Cologne, the man in black and Akane-san, they've disappeared.
Ryoga: how perceptive of you, Kodachi-san. 
Kodachi: goodbye, Ryoga-kun. (dashes off) 

(Ryoga looks down at the mess that is "Gossar".)

Ryoga: it is a pity that Gosunkugi was standing on a sleeping Mr. Soun at the time. I think I should remove him from the floor, too. This incident could have a detrimental psychological effect on an already unbalanced personality such as his. (starts pulling bits of the TV out of "Gossar") (doesn't notice as Shampoo removes herself from the wall and leaves)

(Meanwhile... far across Nerima, near the high street, in the backlot where Ranma first met Kodachi, there is a different sort of fight taking place. Cologne chased (with difficulty) a _very_ fast and very awake Akane across to this area, where the poor girl promptly collapsed with exhaustion. Rosuke chased after Cologne soon after, since he managed to break the paralysis spell on him by focusing his chi energy.  The three of them are in the lot now, two of them standing and facing each other, with Akane slumped in the middle. Rosuke is smirking but Cologne seems unaffected.) 

Rosuke: <you're not gettin' to Akane, wrinkled, old bat!>
Cologne: <insulting me in my own language, how thoughtful.> 
Rosuke: <I only came 'cos that spirit cloud was worryin' me. Well, is it true, did you fix this all up? Like last time... with me in Ranma's place? Did ya'? Or was it all an accident?>
Cologne: <perhaps... perhaps not. It is none of your business, Rosuke. Anyway... (looks up at the gathering grey clouds) ...it is now out of my hands. It was worth a try, but there will be other times...>
Rosuke: <huh? You're just gonna give up, like that?> 
Cologne: <I'm merely resting and contemplating new ideas, that's all...>
Rosuke: <oh, right.>
Cologne: <I have no choice...>  
Rosuke: <why?>

(Drops of rain slowly begin to fall just as Kodachi enters the picture, trying to figure out why there is no confrontation between the two. Soon, showers of cold rain, normal rain, begin to flood Nerima. Cologne just stands there, thinking. Rosuke watches as Akane begins to get up. He wishes he had an umbrella with him. Kodachi's eyes glaze over temprorarily.)
 
Akane: I... uh... what happened? How'd I get out here? (stands up uneasily) Ahh-choo!
Rosuke: here you go. (pulls a throwover out of nowhere and wraps it round her before she could react) 
Akane: who are you? You seem familiar.
Rosuke: I have a feeling you'll soon remember. (grins)
Akane: uh right... (looks down) Aaaah! A wedding dress! Is this some sort of nightmare?
Rosuke: it's certainly feels like it but sorry it's real. (thinks) So... that's why Shampooo managed to get wet and not change into a cat. I was beginning to think the rumours of Jusenkyo were just rumours... Normal rain is the cure! Why didn't _I_ think of that?
Akane: ('hmphs' and crosses her arms trying to think of an explanation) I know what's going on... 
Rosuke: she remembers...?
Akane: ...it's Ranma's fault! (storms off)
Rosuke: (facefaults) (thinks) ...sounds just like Sumasa, my old girlfriend! I miss her, I wish I had told her how I... loved her. (smiles gently) (is shaken out of his daydream by some cackling.)
Kodachi: (looks at reflection in puddle) ohohohoooohoh..! I don't know how this attire ended up on my beautiful figure, but it certainly does suit me. All I have to do now is dye it black and show it to my darling Ranma-sama! (bounds off into distance, laughing... cackling... whatever)
Rosuke: (shivers) funny that, I didn't think I'd get so cold from the rain...

End of chapter 7...

Chapter 8: Return to Paradise

(The view spins away from the concrete clearing, circles around the rainy Nerima, zooming in on the long, but packed high street where confused people, once drugged are now returned to a confused but normal state of mind as the crystal clear rain hits them. They look around the wreckage and wonder what has happened.)

(There are two other people who have not yet been affected, they are standing underneath a bus shelter, still fighting over a now useless packet of cheap cigarrettes.)

Kasumi: (wearing a skin tight, red leather catsuit, with a pink punk-style haircut) hey you ~bleep!~ These are my ~bleep!~ cig's you got there! (pulls the packet apart as she struggles to get a grip on them)
Tofu: (with leather jacket, torn jeans and a ring in his nose) (holding half a packet of cigarrettes) Now look at what you've ~bleep!~ done, you ~bleep!~ idiot!

~Boot!~
~Splash!~

(Tofu is kicked out into the street by Kasumi and lands in a puddle.)

Kasumi: hah! That'll ~bleep!~ teach ya'!
Tofu: (gets up) huh? What... what happened? (stands up and brushes himself down) (looks up) Who are you? (Starts to wipe glasses)
Kasumi:  The name's Kasumi, you ~bleep!~.
Tofu: K-Kasumi??! (drops glasses onto the street and gawps at the sight before him)
Tofu's Unconsciousness: Kasumi. Blue Alert. Panic stations, people! Kasumi wearing skin-tight leather outfit. Red Alert! Red Alert! We are in deep trouble. Brain?
Tofu's Brain: (drooling metaphorically) Kasumi..... Kasumi..... Kasumi.....
Tofu's Unconsciousness: oh dear. Vision? Vision?! Come in, vision!!! (muttering) I won't even bother to try and communicate with the hormone department.... (annoyed) If there are any other parts of Tofu still working, please prepare for immediate emergency shutdown of all systems.

(Kasumi bends over to pick up a cigarrette, showing rather more of her than should be seen in a fic of this "U" rating.)

Tofu: (collapses with manic grin on face) ...!
Tofu's Unconsciousness: great! This is gonna take at least a week to fix! I hate this job, I quit! (leaves)

(Kasumi steps out into the rain. Her eyes mystically swirl around (very painful) for a few seconds. She blinks and looks around at her surroundings.)

Kasumi: Oh my! How did I get here? And what feels so different? (Sees Tofu lying on the ground, bends down to inspect his state further when she catches a reflection of herself in a small pool of water nearby) !! (Hand over mouth, upset) My, my!! My... my hair!!! Oh, my lovely hair! (Looks at the rest of herself) And where did this outfit come from, I look quite different from normal... (calms down) It's getting dark. I may as well go home, change, and prepare dinner for everyone, they'll be getting hungry by now. (Walks off, completely forgetting about Dr. Tofu.)

(Further along the high street, a young girl with a daisy in her hair steps out from underneath a charity stall, after being splashed by someone running past it. She's looking very confused and picks the daisy out of her hair, puzzled by its appearance. She wanders to the front of her stall were she sees a charity sign saying "Free Food And Drinks For The Homeless On Me". She takes out her purse from NabikiSpace (TM, sues harshly if unauthorised use occurs) and look through it. The purse is empty.)

Nabiki: (in shock) Money... Nothing left.... No money... Can't have...  All gone... No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(We back away and go to the Tendo Dojo, where Ryoga has carefully removed Gosunkugi -- or "Gossar the Great" -- and Soun from the living room floor and has used new chiropracty (a la Dr. Tofu) methods to help wake them. He stands on the porch and watches as the normal, clear rain falls down.)

Ryoga: (shivers mentally) What was that noise? Sounded like someone screaming. (Looks back up at the sky) Hmmmm... very interesting. I noticed no clouds forming in the sky. What an unusual scientific phenomenon.
"Gossar": (bounds out from inside) Woohoo! I feel good, I knew that I would now! Power of the herooooo!!! (bounds into the rain, starts dancing about when he suddenly doubles over and collapses onto the grass.)
Ryoga: Gosunkugi!! (runs out but before he can get to the patient, he freezes and his eyes glaze over just before the inevitable shapeshifting change) (shakes himself awake and climbs out of the clothes) Kweee? Kweee? Kweeeee!! (thinks) What... what happened? I can't remember anything!! (runs for the house but ends up on the street where he bumps into a pair of legs) (outloud) Bwee! (thinks) That hurt! (looks up) Ranma!! How dare he?! 
Onna-Ranma: (still in oversized posh wedding suit which is Western-style, only one Soun could get at short notice) (looks down) hey P-chan, what's up?

P-chan: Bu-keee! (thinks) I bet this is all Ranma's fault!! 

~Chomp!~

Onna-Ranma: Owwww! (angry) You stupid pig, that was my leg!

~Punch!~

P-chan: (large bruise on head) Bu-kwweeeee!

Onna-Ranma: it was supposed ta hurt, dummy!!

(Akane is running along in the unrelenting rain in the general direction of her house, muttering nasty things about Ranma not seen in any Viz translation due to its unprintable nature. This is not unusual  for Akane, what is unusual though is that she is running along this puddled street in a Japanese wedding dress. Then her anger begins to slowly die down...)

Akane: stupid Ranma! I bet the pervert had something to do with this humilation!

(See? Practically friendly)

Akane: I bet he -- (stumbles on her dress and trips over) Ahh!

~Thump!~

Akane: (picking herself up slowly, rubbing her scalp) My head!! (she stands up and adjusts her torn dress) I'll get Ranm -- (sudden flash of realisation as memories flood back about what really happened) (eyes do that bugging-out thang) Oh... oh!! K-Kuno??! _I_ called him "Kuno-chan "?! 

(Akane suddenly feels a little faint) 

Akane: (certain other memories come back too) I told R-Ranma I _loved_ him?!! What possessed me to do _that_??! I have no feelings for him! None... none at all...! (remembers kissing him) (to the shock of the FFML, she smiles and blushes a deep red) Well...  maybe I do, after all. (walks back home a little more slowly) (thinks) No wonder that baka Shampoo chases him, I'd never realised what a good...

Voice: (angry shouting) Leave me alone, pig! S'not my fault!!
Akane: (looks back) huh? (sees a rapidly approaching figure jumping over houses towards her) Ranma?

(It is indeed Ranma, or rather Onna-Ranma jumping over buildings with a single bound, currently being annoyed with a very persistent small black pig, who she punches away when it bites her but who just comes back)

P-chan: bu-keeeee! Kweeeeee! 
Onna-Ranma: I said, you stinkin' pig, that I ain't done nothing wrong!!! 
P-chan: bwweeeeee. Bweeeeee, buuk -

~Wham!~

Onna-Ranma: (holds up unconscious pig by the scruff of its neck) don't you call me a drowned peguin, bacon breath! (jumps down onto the street to face Akane) Hey Akane, you feeling better? You look really terrible, y'know.
Akane: (growing anger) First, you hurt _my_ P-chan... _then_ you insult me!!
Onna-Ranma: (pales) uh-oh... 

~Bam!~
~Wham!~
~Slam!~
~Spam!~
(err.... scrub that last one...)

(Onna-Ranma is now currently readjusting her neck while Akane picks up P-chan and pats him gently awake.)

Akane: (worried) P-chan, please wake up. Snap out of it!
P-chan: (stirs) (sees Akane's face) (happily) Kweeeeee!!!
Akane: (examines him) that's odd... where did your little bandanna go? You know, the one like Ry.. Ryoga's! (shocked expression) Oh! C-can it be that... that...
Onna-Ranma and P-chan: (frozen in fear) ...!
Akane: ...that Ryoga gave you one as a present?! Oh, how sweet of him! I must thank him when he next visits.

(Onna-Ranma re-adjusts herself from the shock but P-chan is still frozen)

Onna-Ranma: (muttering) I didn't think anyone could be so thick-headed... even that Azusa chick knows!
Akane: what was that?
Onna-Ranma: uhh... n-nothing... nothing at all!
Akane: (suspicious) .....

(They walk on in silence for a few minutes more, the rain as unrelenting as ever. Soon, they reach the entrance to the Tendo Dojo and Onna-Ranma opens up the front gate/door and walks in, her eyes widening as she looks at the training hall and house.)

Onna-Ranma: what the..?!
Akane: (calmly walks in, holding a now asleep P-chan) So, do you remember yet?  
Onna-Ranma: where the heck did all these decorations come from? (sees a banner hanging across the fron of the house saying [ Happy Wedding Ranma And Akane! : ) ] surrounded by various other decoration such as ribbons and streamers) Muh-married?!! Did we...?
Akane: no, idiot. Surely you remember some of it? You wouldn't forget proposing to me, would you?!
Onna-Ranma: ...the purple rain! That's right! (smacks fist) I went to see Cologne about it and she gave me something to drink an'... an'... then you came and I... (face goes deep red) gulp! Sorry Akane, I didn't mean to!!   
Akane: (angry) ..._sorry_? You mean, you find the idea of marrying me _that_ repulsive?!
Onna-Ranma: (increasingly nervous) I didn't say that! That's not what I meant!
Akane: (shyly) (quietly) so... you do want to marry me?
Onna-Ranma: uhhhhhh.......
P-chan: (wakes up) ...nn? (sees wedding banner) Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Kwwwweeeeeeee!!!!!!! 
Akane: (worried) oh, P-chan! What's the matter??!
Onna-Ranma: (looks towards the upset pig) (thinks) for once, Ryoga, you actually came in handy.

End of Chapter 8....

Chapter 9: All Wrapped Up...?

(Righty-ho, we're back on the high street (a very long high street) at a part where designer shops cluster round together, and yes it's still raining (call it a mini-monsoon). A pretty but tarted-up lady and pastel wearing teenage boy exit one of these fancy shops, clutching bags of expensive gifts. They stand just underneath the shop's canopy)

Nodoka: I can't believe that they were jus' giving clothes away! What _darling_ people they were!
Pantyhose Taro: And they sewed my name onto everything! What do you think? (twirls round in his new tight pink top and baggy trousers with sequins, it looks like a long skirt)
Nodoka: (claps hands together) perfectly perfect!! I wonder what my sweetie son bought? A flowery dress, I hope.
Pantyhose Taro: Are we going to see Ranma-kun?

(Nodoka nods in positive.)

Pantyhose Taro: (jumps up in happiness) Yayaayaaaay! Let's gooooo!!

(Both walk out from underneath the canopy and  the rain soaks them. They stop dead in their tracks, each still clutching to their designer bags. They turn and look at each other.)

Pantyhose Taro: (the steam coming off him in anger stops the rain from touching him cold) Hey, lady with the bad perm, who are you and why am I carrying your bags?! Cos, they certainly ain't mine! Who put you up to this?!
Nodoka: I have no idea where I am, young man, and I would appreciate it if you didn't use such a tone with your elders. It's rude! (notices Taro's clothes) What are you wearing, boy, it's so feminine and... unmanly. Totally inappropriate.
Pantyhose Taro: Ain't none of your business what I -- (looks down) gaaaah! What the...?! I bet it was Ranma who put someone up to this! Just cos fem-boy is such a girly girl at times! 
Nodoka: I don't have to take such stick from such... a degenerate... (begins to pull something out of inter-dimensional space, something long and pointy and sharp....)
Pantyhose Taro: what's to stop me, eh??! (finds something sharp and silvery pointing him straight between the eyes.)
Nodoka: (very angry, holding the said katana) no-one insults or questions my son's manhood in such a derogatory, rude manner. You need to be taught some lessons, boy.
Pantyhose Taro: Saotome's mom... (grins nastily) Nice to meet you. My apologies on having to bring up with fem-boy. (thinks) Now, how to deal with her..?

(Pantyhose Taro's anger calms down but this means that he isn't in a red-hot rage anymore and the cold rain finally falls on his skin cold.)

Pantyhose Taro: (feels the change starting) (thinks) this'll get her katana outta my face... heh....

(He transforms from a human boy to a crane standing with an eel... no, that's not right... an eel on top of an ox holding a crane with tentacles..? No, that's not it! Arrggh! He transforms into something stupid, alright?!)

Pantyhose-cursed: (thinks) Now, to get her to leave me alone. (makes roaring sounds) ROAR!! ROAR!! ROOAARR!!

(It's late, OK? I'm not at my most creative!)

Nodoka: My, my, I see you got cursed, too, like my son. Your throat sounds terrible, do you want some medicine for that?
Pantyhose-cursed: ....

(The rain stops suddenly and so I run out of ideas for the high street... The view once again flies away from the hazardous high street, has a nice look at the rainbow-tinged sky, wonders where to go next and plumps for the warm, central-heated Tendo Dojo...
Inside the Dojo, a now male Ranma is sitting at the table, watching TV, an empty kettle beside him, with an icepack near his swollen eye.)

Ranma: stupid, violent chick... How's I supposed to know she was already in the bathroom? (grumbles away to himself)  

(Crying is heard from another room... go on, guess who it is...)

Soun: (lying down) after all my trouble to get the decorations and the clothes! When will those two ever learn??! (starts blubbering away) 

(right... OK... back to Ranma, methinks)

Ranma: stupid, macho Akane... (looks around, checking no-one's there) ...though she did look really cute in that wedding dress, beautiful in fact... (gets a dreamy look in his eyes)
Nabiki: (pops up outta nowhere with tape recorder) oh really?
Ranma: (freaks out) ahh! Where'd you come from?
Nabiki: that's for me to know... and you to pay to find out.
Ranma: back to normal then, Nabiki.
Nabiki: I have some lost investments that I need to recoup capital on...
Ranma: bet you're broke as well! (grins)
Nabiki: uh, yeah Ranma. (waves recorder) So... how much do you want to pay for your newly recovered fiancees not to find out about this... Kodachi'll be here soon...
Ranma: how do you kn --  oh never mind... (unhappily) How much then am I in your debt?   
Nabiki: about 5000 yen.
Ranma: what?! For just that... recorder thing? You gotta be joking!
Nabiki: not just that recording, (pulls out some photos and shows them) these too. Several parties have already shown interest in purchase... 
Ranma: you wouldn't... aw heck, yes you would!
Nabiki: (smug look) you're beginning to pay attention; good.

~Creak!~
~Click~ 
(ie.. someone opening and closing the front door) 

Ranma: who's that?
Kasumi: just me,  Kasumi! I'm going to get changed! (slips upstairs)
Nabiki: ...why would she need to get changed in such a hurry?
Ranma: (innocent look) I don't know.

~Creak!~
~Click~

Ukyo: (comes running through) (in a grungy-ish but ultra-sexy outfit) (quite upset) Oh, Ran-chan!
Ranma: hiya Ucchan! (unfazed)
Nabiki: Ranma... you know what's been going on in Nerima, don't you?
Ranma: who, me?
Ukyo: Ran-chan! Some jackass has wrecked my restuarant and written horrible things about you all over it!!
Ranma: it's OK Ucchan, I know who it was.
Ukyo: you do, honey? Who's the jackass, then?
Ranma: (bluntly) you.
Ukyo: me?
Ranma: yes, you.
Ukyo: (disbelief) me??!
Ranma: yep.
Nabiki: I think we've established it's you, Ukyo. Take a look in the mirror, there's one in the hallway.

(Ukyo trots out of the room and over to the mirror)
(A few seconds later...)

Ukyo: aaaaahhhhhh! What... what...?!
Ranma: I can explain, Ucchan... it's nothin' to worry about.
Rosuke: (sitting at table) no, I'll do that.
Everyone: where'd you come from?
Rosuke: (trying to give off an aura of mystique but failing) doesn't matter...
Ranma: hey, you're Rosuke Saotome!
Nabiki: ...who is?
Ranma: my pop's uncle! He fought the Chinese Amazons in a brave, bloody battle in which he had to sacrifice true love in order for honour to be restored to the Saotome line!
Rosuke: s-somethin' like that....

~Rumble...~
~Boom!~
~Crash!~

Shampoo: (steps through hole of last remaining wall) Nihao Ranma! (glomps onto him) Shampoo so glad you no drugged anymore!
Ranma: how could this get --
Kodachi: (in black-dyed jumpsuit) oh, darling Ranma! I shall save you from that vixen's grasp!
Shampoo: (stands up) who bad-taste-in-clothes girl call vixen?!
Ranma: -- worse... 
Kuno: (walks through the opening also) Saotome! I demand an answer for this! (shoves the photo in Ranma's face. It is a picture of "the kiss") How dare you defile my innocent Akane!!
Ranma: hey Nabiki, I thought --
Nabiki: I never said that I hadn't sold anyone else the pictures... (smiles sweetly) 
Rosuke: (to himself) man, this is deja vu! Must be a Saotome curse or somethin' I passed down, somehow!
Kasumi: (enters room in normal dress) I see your friends have decided to come and see you. Do they want something to drink?
Everyone except Ranma and Rosuke (who doesn't know Kasumi):  Kasumi!!! Your hair!!! Oh, Kami!!!
Kasumi: so no-one wants a drink then? Fine, I'll get started on dinner. (goes into the kitchen)
Kodachi: (to Shampoo) I think we were about to fight, common girl. Shall we begin?
Shampoo: (to Kodachi) girl in black, DIIEE!
Rosuke: no, Shampoo, don't cause any more trouble! 
Shampoo: (turns round) I recognise voice... Grandad Rosuke!! (Runs to him) I no see you for ages!
Everyone else: _Grandad_??!!
Rosuke: my favourite little grandaughter! (gets caught up in bear hug from Shampoo) 
Ranma: but that means... that I'm related to Shampoo!! (turns pale)
Rosuke: don't worry Ranma, I'm only her grandfather-in-law. Her mother was born before I arrived in the village. (to Shampoo) Settle down, Shampoo! Now, why don't you go get somethin' to eat from Kasumi? Can't fight on an empty stomach!
Shampoo: yes, Grandad! (runs to the kitchen)

(The two Saotomes breath a sigh of relief)

Ranma: hey Nabiki, you've been awful quiet. Nabiki? Where 'd ya go?

(Nabiki's standing away from the crowds with Kuno)

Ranma: Nabiki! What are you doin' that for at a time like this!?
Nabiki: Right, that'll be 5000 yen for the pictures of Akane in a wedding dress. (thinks) Thanks Tsubasa! (outloud) And 3000 yen for the negatives of "the kiss" photo.
Kuno: (pays up and takes photos) oh, Akane, so sweet and pure! (leaves)
Kodachi: elder brother, do wait and let me burn the photo of that Tendo girl daring to touch my Ranma-sama! (goes after him)
Ranma: man, things are finally getting quieter!

(noises in kitchen)

Mousse: (in kitchen) Oh, Shampoo, I've found you at last! I'm so sorry for my harsh words!!

~Clang!~

Shampoo: (in kitchen) Mousse! Why you hug frying pan?!
Nabiki: (counting her money) everything's normal again, I see.
Akane: (upstairs) oh, nooo!!
Ranma: (runs upstairs) Akane?!

(Akane is standing in her bedroom with only a towelling robe on, kneeling down next to passed out P-chan.)

Akane: (sees Ranma)  P-chan entered my room while I was getting dressed, his nose bled and he just fainted! 
Ranma: can't think why...
 
(Half-hour later...)
(Everyone -- Ukyo, Ranma, Akane, Nodoka (hair unpermed), Mousse, Rosuke, Shampoo and Kasumi -- are sitting, cramped, round the table eating Kasumi's lovely, undrugged, dinner. Rosuke and Ranma are telling everyone what happened to them today)

Rosuke: ...and then the real rain started and you all turned ta normal again!
Ryoga: (jumps inbetween Ranma and Akane) may I have some too, Kasumi? (smiles)
Kasumi: of course you may! For some reason, there's a lot more than there usually is...
Akane: why hello, Ryoga. You look very happy, what's happened? 
Ryoga: (goes incredibly red and starts fidgiting) I.. uh... y'see... n-nothing...
Ranma: (back in his usual clothes) (teasing) hey, P-chan, what's with the wet hair? The rain was ages ago, wasn't it?
Ryoga: (even redder) ...you!
Akane: Ranma, stop teasing Ryoga! He helped repair the walls, didn't he?
Ranma: (scowls at Ryoga) (thinks) that's only cos you asked him! 

(Everyone continues to enjoy their meal, with Rosuke diverting Shampoo's attention away from Ranma while also trying to keep Mousse's declarations of love quiet)

Nodoka: I can't help thinking we've forgotten someone...
Kasumi: my father's still sleeping.
Nodoka: that's not it.
Ranma: P-chan's missing.
Ryoga: (blushes) ....
Nodoka: (shakes head) no, not P-chan... I can't think. Must be nothing!

(Meanwhile... in a monastry up in the hills, far away from Tokyo... A monk stops praying in the mddle of a ceromony. The monk next to him notices.)

Monk #1: (thinks) why do I keep thinking off special fried rice, with shrimp chow mein and sushi?
Monk #2: (quietly) What's the matter, Brother Saotome?
Genma: I don't know. I just felt this incredible sense of loss, Brother Sanzenin.
Mikado: How odd, I've had those feelings too, today. (thinks) Why do I keep thinking of annoying cute things and the opposite sex when I should be praying?

End of chapter 9....
(aka THE END)

Finished... at last! C&C taken with utter gratitude and thanks! I haven't actually read any manga with Nodoka or Pantyhose Taro, just synopses and fanfics, so characterisation on them is also needed! DOn't stop sending C&C just because this is the so-called final version. I've yet to send it to the 
If you posted any C&C to the FFML for chapter 8, could you please send it to me as well, since I was unsubscribed. The fact is I still am. So if you send the FFML any C&C on this chapter (not discouraged ^_^) please send me it as well. :)

And as to anyone wondering where bizarre, and utterly weird at times, story came from... You just need to examine my mindset, I have...:-
Ryoga's emotional stability and his talent of letting go of grudges; Shinnosuke's memory; Nabiki's attitude towards money; Akane's ability to take criticism, her domestic ability and her klutziness; Shampoo's taste in clothes; Ranma's "luck"; Urd's maturity and (shudder) Azusa's reaction towards the appearance of cute things... If I dig deep enough, I'll probably find I'm similar to Kodachi... >_<

A "U" rating is like the lowest censorship rating you can get in the UK for videos and films. Usually what Disney films get or what tiny widdle kiddies can watch. Anyone can watch it.

With thanks to Darkwing, Kita Gekijou, Krista Perry, Andrew M. Petalik, Mark Premo, Rilian, Emily Siazon, SlayerNext, Soren Smith, D.B. Sommer, Lashawn M. Taylor (along with "R&R" ^_^ ) and anyone else whom my bad memory can't remember, thank you! : )

Oh, and Ranma info needed. Can anyone tell me where Nodoka's house is? Is it in Tokyo, or some place completely different? 
Oh... and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone! Snow is falling all around me, children playing... (goes into song) (everyone covers their ears because of the pain ^_^) Saaaanta Claus is comin' to town! Wow-yeah! Saaanta Claus is comin' to town! Saaa --

~THWACK!~
~WHAM!~
~BOOM!~ 

OK, OK... ~choke~ I'll stop singing... ~gasp~ ...You only had to ask...
 Sayonara! ^_^

*By Eve Harper*
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