Personally i think it's a great story all together. The only part i feel
that's out of place is the whole bank scene. It's something that, well,
doesn't happen imho. 

I like your idea to get the girls together to plan a rescue attempt tho,
that is, IF they can put aside their differences long enuf to even try ;) 

I can visualise this now:

Robber: Umm, excuse me, aren't you supposed to be trying to rescue these people?

Ukyou: You keep out of this! This is none of your business!

Shampoo: Spatula Girl right! This woman-to-woman fight!

etc etc ;) You could either 1) bring them all in at the same time or 2) one
of them makes the rescue and the others come in later. Either way, the end
result is one huge argument along with millions of yen in property damage ;)

Oh btw, Ukyou's family name is spelt 'Kuonji' and if u're using 'oneechan'
write it like 'Nabiki-oneechan'. I'm pretty sure it's one word but i could
be wrong.

Keep it up, great story. :)
      K  u  s  a  n  a  g  i       K y o
      --|---|--    --|---|--     ----+----
       +-----+     /-, +-+-       +-----+
       |-----|      |  |-|-       |     |      
       +-----+     -|- |-|-       +-----+
      ----|----    / \ +-+-       /  J  \
 -----------------------------------------------
  "Kusanagi Flames, Yagami Tears, Orochi Blood"