Sarah: I hate you know that.

Eric: why?  Must destroy dark jedi.

Sarah: thats why cant i get an moment of sleep for a bit.

Eric: bah... kill dark jedi... 3d good.

Sarah: thats all you've been saying since you got that game.

Eric: the force is with me.

Sarah: damnit thats it i'm going to try reviewing spamfics now.

Eric: do or do not, there is no try.

Sarah: argghhh.  *wraps verdant energy around her*

-----Original Message-----
From: C. Toler <yoiko@earthlink.net>
To: fanfic@fanfic.com <fanfic@fanfic.com>
Date: Sunday, January 18, 1998 5:43 AM
Subject: [FFML] [SPAMfic][How-Come] Really Lost, Still Lost and Not So Lost


Sarah: apparently you arent the only one up late.

Eric: Mmmm dark jedi up late too.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  I'm not doing it.  And I don't get lost ALL the time.

Yoiko:  You do get lost a lot, though, and when you get lost you're REALLY
       lost!

Ryoga:  That's not the point!  The point is, I'm not doing this How-Come
       thing anymore!

Sarah: thats right Ryoga stand up to her!

Eric: Humm only a fully trained Ryoga can hope to overcome Yoiko.

Ranma:  Aw, what's the matter, P-Chan?  Can't handle a little SPAMfic?

Ryoga:  Shut up, Ranma!

Yoiko:  Pleeeeeease, Ryoga?

Sarah: toying with his emotions now!

Eric: soon his journey to the dark side will be complete.

Ryoga:  No way!  Look what happened to me in the last SPAMfic I did for
       you!

Sarah: *trickles some energy out and scares off Staple Plus*  who could
forget

Eric: Sarah will always be with you Ryoga.

Sarah: if you dont stop that...

Yoiko:  This one won't have any bald spot, I promise!  Pretty please?
       (puppy-dog eyes)

Sarah: noooooooooo dont give in!  she's just tricking you that evil harpy!

Eric: Forever will she dominate your destiny.

Ryoga:  ...I guess.  *sigh*

Sarah: *sob* she's evil i tell you.... and accident prone too.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...

Eric: Give in to your emotions!

Really Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


       "Where the Hell am I now?" Ryoga mumbled, shaking his head.  He
felt odd for a few moments, as though he didn't quite fit in his skin, and
then the feeling passed.   Filled with rage and disgust for some unknown
reason, he let out a wild yell and kicked a nearby tree, causing it to
shatter.  The mindless destruction felt so good, he leveled about twenty

Eric: More powerful? No...  quicker, easier, one you give in to the dark
side...

more trees, cutting a wide swath through the wooded area.  He might not
remember why he was so upset, but the mix of fury, humiliation and nausea
must be related to Ranma somehow.  He stood for a moment in the clearing he
had created, panting slightly, then shouldered his pack and made a beeline
for Nerima.

       <Subject is heading towards his home again.>

       *Same sense of direction as his parents.  It must run in the genes.
        Redirect the subject.*

       Ryoga blinked and found himself back where he had started, standing
by a pile of kindling that had once been a score of trees.  The rage
swelled in him again, and he whipped off his belt, marking the trees as he
ran, once again headed directly toward Nerima.

       <Subject is homeward bound again.>

       *This subject seems to be nearly untrainable.*

       <The whole family has made a fascinating study, though.>

       *Agreed.  Redirect the subject again.*

       Ryoga found himself standing once again at the starting point.  A
growl started low in his chest, then he threw his head back and roared
heavenward, "Where the Hell am I NOW???"
       No answer came from the heavens, but Ryoga wasn't really expecting
one.  Looking around, he saw that the marks he had cut into the trees
showed him taking off in one direction and coming in from the opposite way.

Obviously, he wasn't going to get to Nerima any time soon.  Ignoring
whatever impulse was prodding him to run, he deliberately built a fire with
his handmade kindling and sat down, stubbornly determined to stay at least
long enough to cook and eat some lunch.

       <Subject isn't moving.>

       *Give him a prod, then.  Exasperating little...*

Sarah: ewwwww.

Eric: Trust your feelings... reach out...

Sarah: Shut up Obi Wan.

       Ryoga leaped up.  There was no time for food - what if Akane needed
him?  His throat tight with his sudden panic, he quickly doused the fire
and took off, running swiftly.

       <Ah, now he's moving!>

       *That particular nerve center is a strong motivator.  I wonder what
        it is he feels.*

       Ryoga ran, half-blinded with terror.  Something was after him, some
creature, some nightmare with claws and teeth and - Good God!  They'd get
AKANE if he didn't hurry!

       *Let's see if he'll follow the directional impulses now.*

       A snarling creature leaped toward him, and Ryoga dodged, jumping
away from it before its jaws could close on him.  He bounded past several
more of them, changing directions midair at times to avoid their deadly
teeth.


       <It's working!  We must examine him again after this run.>

Sarah: if theres any mention of an anal probe i'm outta here.

Eric: Mmmm Help you i can, yes.

       *Of course.  I'd like to try and determine what the motivating
        factor is.  He's almost through!*

       <He's finishing in record time!>

       *Exasperating, but a fine subject.  Let's retrieve him and run some
        more tests.*

       Ryoga brushed his sweaty bangs out of his eyes, and squinted up
at...the Sphinx?  That wasn't even in Japan!  How on Earth did he end up
here?

Sarah: you let that evil Yoiko trick you into doing a spam fic.

       A sudden chill fell over him as a huge craft blocked the blistering
sun and hovered in the sky above him.  Ryoga looked up at it, his jaw slack
and eyes wide as memories suddenly started to flood back.  Too late, he
remembered the teleport beam.  He was snared in it and drawn up before he
even had a chance to breathe.

Sarah: i swear even a hint of an anal probe...

Dim: it would be depressing.

       <We have him.>

Eric: ahh his journey to the dark side is almost complete.

       *Good, let's move.*

       The ship pulled away smoothly, this time without bumping anything.
There had been Hell to pay when they had nicked the nose of that statue...


       Ryoga stared numbly up at the light, the outlines of a few bizarre
devices barely discernible in the shadows beyond.  He was naked, on a cold
metal table.  He couldn't move, couldn't speak...  He stared up at the
light, and heard THEM coming to get him.

Sarah: *closes her eyes*

       <Poor thing looks frightened.>

       *I do wish you wouldn't get such fanciful notions.  They aren't
        sentient; we proved that conclusively with the "Rush Limbaugh"
        subject.*

Dim: *laughs*

       <He may not be sentient, but I do believe he has feelings.  He
        could be frightened...  Imagine being taken away from your world
        to a place you don't know and can't understand.>

       *Naturally, I would be upset.  But I am sentient; there is a vast
        difference.*

       <Don't worry, human subject.  It will be all right.>

       Ryoga felt a soft, three-fingered hand gently stroking his hair,
and his wide-open eyes locked on the sight of one of THEM bending over him.
He struggled to speak, to force his frozen lips to form some kind of
intelligible sound.

Eric: It is too late for me my son.

       <He almost looks as though he's trying to speak.>

       *If you are quite through petting the subject...*

Sarah: Humph.  hussy.

       The hand jerked away, and Ryoga struggled even more desperately to
force some kind of sound from his throat.  Hands gently turned his head as
one of THEM inspected his eyes and ears.  THEY left his head turned to one
side as the examination proceeded, and he saw a wall full of monitors.
Several of THEM stood in front of the monitors, guiding little colored
blips of light through a series of twists and turns.  It looked for all the
world like a video game, or a bunch of rats racing through a maze...

Eric: And now we present the crowning achievement of our technology, an
electronic version of what you humans call pong.

Sarah and Dim: *laugh*

Alien: Anyone here from a race that has mastered intergalatic travel please
raise their hands.  *eyes the room speculatively* Alllrighty then.

       *I'll begin collecting samples of bodily fluids, you prepare the

probe.*


Sarah: thats it I'm outta here.  *remains where she's sitted*

       Ryoga screamed silently in horror....

Eric: Well i'm snapping outta there star wars mode since someone turned it
off *glare*

Alien: that is untrue our race has learned explored the limits of what it
can learn through anal probing.

Sarah: ....

       Ryoga shook his head and looked around him.  A mountain.  How had
he ended up on a mountain?  He wrestled with a surge of the inexplicable
shame and fury that he found so troubling... then a sudden fear gripped him
and he was off and running, back in the rat race again.

Eric and Dim: hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

Sarah: .....

Yoiko:  Whaddya think?

Eric and Dim: hahahhahahahahahahah

Whiskey and Tequilla: *gump gump*

Sarah: ...

Ryoga:  Do you hate me or something?

Sarah: ....

Yoiko:  NO!  You're my favorite!

Eric: ha! you'd never guess.

Sarah: you'd speak differently if she was writing evil things about Ukyou,
Nanami or Kiyone.

Eric: what? me?

Ranma:  Why are you so upset, P-Chan?  Hey, what kind of probe was that,
       anyway?

Sarah: dolt.

Ryoga:  J-just shut up!!

Eric and Dim: hahhaahhahahahahahah

Ranma:  Oh, THAT kind of probe...

Ryoga:  I said shut up!!!

Yoiko:  Oh, please don't be upset, Ryoga!  It was supposed to be funny!

Sarah: I'm amused.  *wraps verdant energy around herself and starts to build
it into the earth*

Ryoga:  I'm not laughing.

Eric: I am!

Dim: I am!

Eric: at what point did you stop finding everything deperssing?!

Dim: *shrugs* I had a depressing turn of events.... Oooo! Mcdonalds is open!
*floats away*

Ranma:  I am!

Ryoga:  SHUT UP!

Yoiko:  What if I did a different fic for that question?

Sarah: I still dont trust you.  *erupts into a geyser of energy* Tripping
isnt going to save you this time Yoiko!

Ryoga:  Really?

Yoiko:  Sure.  Anything to make you happy. ^_^

Sarah: dont believe her!

Ryoga:  ...Ok.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...

Sarah: ...

Still Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


       "Where the Hell am I now?" Ryoga muttered under his breath.  He was
walking on a crowded street, aimlessly moving along as the people jostled
him.  There were signs all over the place that might give him a clue to his
location, but the crowd kept him moving at too fast a rate to stop and
sound any of them out, and he was not about to interrupt the flow of
traffic and draw attention to himself.  He was always very careful not to
let on that he had trouble reading.

Eric: just what the ffml needs another human interest story!

Sarah: *expands her geyser of energy*

Ryoga:  Hold it right there.  What are you doing?  You're making me
       illiterate now?

Yoiko:  Hey, illiterate doesn't mean stupid or anything!  I just thought it
       might make sense...  You know, like when you first got to Furinkan
       High and had to sound out the sign really slowly?  And you did have
       an awfully hard time writing that letter in "the Breaking Point."

Sarah: oh sure point out his short comings.

Eric: tee hee.  Ukyou, Nanami and Kiyone have no shortcomings, they're the
most sane ones in their cast!

Sarah: grrr.

Ranma:  Hey, that'd explain a lot, you know.

Ryoga:  You shut up!  And you, Yoiko, how can you say I'm your favorite
       when you write stuff like this about me?  First I'm bald, then I'm
       illiterate?

Eric: Dont forget the anal probe!

Yoiko:  *sigh*  Ok.  You want a different story?

Ryoga:  I don't want ANY story!  (Yoiko whispers in his ear)  ...Ok, but
       this is your last shot.

Sarah: hmmmm.... *stops the geyser* redemption is always good.

Yoiko:  Hey, Ryoga, how come you get lost ALL the time?

Ryoga:  There's a SPAMfic in that...


Not So Lost

A How-Come fic by Cindy Toler


       "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!" Ryoga cried, a few moments before
he leaped towards the grinning martial artist.
       "Hey, P-Chan!  Long time, no see!" Ranma said cheerfully, dodging
with ease.  Ryoga gritted his teeth in an effort to keep a straight face,
and attacked with renewed vigor.  It wasn't very often that he really got
to put his martial arts skills to the test, and he did look forward to his
visits to Nerima.  He pulled his best mock scowl for Ranma's benefit - he
wouldn't want it to appear that he was just picking fights for the fun of
it.
       Just as things were starting to get really good, the bandanna he
always wore buzzed in a nearly silent signal.  Ryoga yelled incoherently to
cover up the slight noise, and sent his umbrella sailing.  He ran off after
it, pretending to have totally lost track of Ranma in the process.
       "Ranma Saotome, you won't escape me that easily!" he bellowed for
good measure.  As soon as he had put a safe enough distance between himself
and Ranma, he stopped and shrugged his pack off, dug in it for a moment and
pulled out a small transmitter.
       "Hibiki here.  This better be good."
       "Ah,  Agent 0013, good of you to respond so quickly!" a sultry
female voice purred.  "There's a situation brewing in Canada..."
       "Right.  And the rendezvous?"  Ryoga memorized the time and
location of his meeting with Agent 0742, then broke off the transmission,
ignoring Miss Hennypenny's efforts to arrange a rendezvous with him of her
own.  It might take him a few days to settle those troublesome Canadians,

Eric: ey?

and it could possibly be weeks or even months before he could come back for
another sparring session.  He shouldered his pack again with a sigh.  A
spy's work was never done...


Yoiko:  That's it!  ^_^  Whaddya think?

Eric: i like the anal probe better.

Sarah: -

Ranma:  I think you're sucking up, is what I think.

Eric: i agree.

Ryoga:  Oh, grow up, Ranma.  You're just jealous.

Sarah: jealous of what?!?!?  *flares up with energy*

Ranma:  Jealous of what, Porky?

Ryoga:  Jealous because I get to be a Double-O-Seven type of guy, while
       you're still an arrogant jerk.  And you could never get the
       attention of a woman like Miss Hennypenny.

Sarah: oh.

Ranma:  That was a disembodied voice in a fic!  How pathetic can you
       possibly get?

Ryoga:  You wanna see pathetic?  I'll show you pathetic!  Just look in the
       mirror!

Eric: Prove you exist!

Sarah: ?

Eric: sorry reading Donaldson now.

Yoiko:  (lightly stepping out of the way as Ranma and Ryoga start
       "sparring" in earnest)  That's it, folks! ^_^  Comments, if you
       have any, are very welcome at "yoiko@earthlink.net"  Hopefully,
       there will be more How-Come fics.  How come Kasumi and Belldandy
       sound just alike?  There's a SPAMfic in that... ^_~

Eric: what happened to your last howcome spamfic that never got written?  i
forget what it was or something...

Sarah: uhhh...

Eric: pretty funny stuff.  I think I'll go join Dim at mcdonalds...

Sarah: ummm....

Eric: hope you write more of these things early in the morning :)  Soon i
will kill dark jedi early morning as well. hahahahhah!

Sarah: ahhh I'll just powerblast you for the hell of it.*starts to gather
energy*

Eric: Humm I'll spare you the trouble of avoiding her powerblast *unleashes
Whiskey and Tequilla at Sarah who immediately attack her shoes and drag her
screaming into the closet where they chew at her feet*  It may not seem like
much but you have NO clue how distracting ferrets attacking your feet can
be.  Anyways keep up the funny stuff, and soon your training will be
complete.  *grabs a lightsaber and dissappears*

Sarah: I'll get you for this!