Now, then....
	You do say that previous knowledge of EVA is required on the part
of the readers. However, you assume that it means you can get by on
describing the events minimally. Unfortunately, that doesn't quite work.
It's still a narrative--the readers want to see what's going on. A person
still wants to be enveloped on what is occurring; you move far too quickly
through everything.
	Beyond that? Well, characterization does suffer a bit as a result
of the above--without showing what's going on, we can't really see what
the people are like. One other major thing--you seem to switch between
present and past tense, which is very jarring.
	Still, it has potential, certainly. It's an interesting mix of the
character qualities of the two series. Keep working at it.

>From Andrew Huang, brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Mmmmm...Evanjellydonut...."
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, President