At 04:09 PM 2/17/98 -0800, you wrote:
This is a continuation from the 4 part "From a Different Viewpoint"
It jumps to a point in time just after Ranma and Akane's failed wedding,
when the protagonist from "Viewpoint", Johnathon Dwire, finally returns
>from China after 8 months.
I rather enjoyed the original storyline, and I'm pleased to see its return,
but I must point out one really glaring problem with this. Always, ALWAYS
begin a new paragraph whenever someone new is speaking. Failure to do so
is very confusing, not to mention rather a strain on the eyes.
For instance...
"Shampoo? She has gone to the wedding of Ranma Saotome and Akane
Tendo."
"Oh, they're getting married?"
This is much easier to understand, especially when you have two people
engaging in a lengthy dialogue. Also, you should, more often than not,
specify who is doing the speaking. A little variety in terms of address
(proper name, descriptive term, nickname, he/she) goes a long way. So
in my mind, those two lines would read MUCH better like so...
"Shampoo?" said the elderly gentleman. "She has gone to attend the
wedding of Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo."
Johnathon blinked. "Oh, they're getting married?"
Or something similar... extrapolate on reactions a little more. A little
bit of detail would help flesh things out better, and make a good story
considerably better. :)
Btw, remember that "Tendo Dojo" is a proper name, and both words should be
capitalized. :)
Johnathon pushed his was through the crowd to her. "Nabiki what's
going on?" "Hmmm? Johnathon sensei is that you? It's been a long
time." "Yes, I've been in China, looking for a cure." "I thought as
much. So what did you find?" "I'll tell everyone later, first tell me,
what's happened here?" "The wedding?" "Yes." "1000 yen please."
Ouch. See above.
"You haven't changed, Nabiki.
I can see the wedding was stopped for myself.
There is Ranma in that crater over there. How about this. I'll tell
you what I learned in China, and you tell me what happened here."
More details are really needed here, I think. Maybe a bit of fore-
shadowing with what Johnathon is thinking at the moment (of what happened
in China) would be appropriate.
Johnathon glanced around at the crowd. "You look pretty busy here
today, I'll tell you the important part of what I learned and come back
later to tell you the rest. One question first, are Ranma and Akane
going to get married anytime soon?" Nabiki paused to consider. "After
what happened today.... I think it will be awhile." Johnathon nodded.
"Ok, for Ranma, a warning. Don't mix Jusenkyo curses, not even the
spring of drowned man." Nabiki's eyes went wide. "Are you sure?"
Johnathon nodded again his eyes conveying his utter seriousness. Nabiki
shivered. "Oh boy, that was close." "What, there was some spring water
here?" "Not anymore." She answered quickly. "Good, I'll be back
tomorrow night. I'll explain in full then."
Now this has a lot of potential. Again, the lack of detail hurts it
though. How about some narration describing Nabiki's shock and Johnathon's
relief at the news?
Johnathon left reluctantly. He had things to do today. He would
tell the whole story to Ranma and company later. He owed them that much
at least. He headed of for Furinkan High school, hoping he could get
his old job back.
As was noted in another recent C&C, you should avoid beginning too many
sentences with "he."
"Thanks, most people think I'm some sort of monster, I've had to run
>from several angry mobs already." Ranma looked at him with genuine
sympathy. "Man, that's rough, I hate it when that happens!" (This
being Ranma no one thought he was being sarcastic.) P-chan gave a
"Bwee!" of agreement.
ROTFL! This is great. :)
Ranma looked
at Johnathon squarely, having managed to completely suppress his
cat-fear.
(In "Viewpoint" Ranma had spent a month training himself not to see
Johnathon as a cat in a failed attempt to cure his phobia, which had the
small benefit of letting him stand Johnathon in cat form.)
Hmmm... given the changes in Johnathon's form, I'd think he would be
severely set back. Plus, it's also been quite a few months since Ranma
last saw him, so his training will have slipped. Some further narration
here would be nice, plus it could make for some decent humor. :)
Overall, pretty promising, but in need of some revision and expansion.
It comes off as being compact, which isn't necessarily bad, but in this
case, more detail would only add more meat to what is already a very
tasty (albeit mildly watery, pun intended:) mixture. :)
-Deuce
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"How beautiful is death. Death and his brother, sleep."
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