This is only a rough draft, so forgive me on my grammatical mistakes
since I'm sure there are plenty.  Also, please tell me if I had any
continuity errors like I did in #1.  Oh yeah, comments and criticisms
about the story are welcome too :).

Just a quick non-MST C&C...

Bile Studio's
KOR: 24 Caprices:
Caprice #2
by Jang Choe

     I stared outside my van window.  The heavy downpour and dark
clouds shaded the moon's light away from us.  All I could see outside
was my own reflection.

Not a bad opening.

     My family, Hikaru, and Ayukawa has been in this van for several

"had been"

hours.  It was time for summer vacation again, and my father was
offered a job to photograph the landscapes of England.  Dad asked me
to ask Hikaru and Ayukawa against if they wanted to go because he

Err... I don't know what you meant to say here, but "against"
definitely isn't the right word.

wanted to take pictures of us again.

Hikaru and Madoka = the landscapes of England?  Hmm. ^_^

     Of course, this wasn't going to be a free trip for them, but
luckily, Ayukawa and Hikaru had enough money and time to come with us.
I am especially glad that Ayukawa came because of her English skills.
My dad studied some English so he can prepare, and us, well, we were

"could prepare"

given a crash course in English from Ayukawa.  I was suppose to help,

"by Ayukawa" and "supposed to help"

but I'm not doing so well in English in school, ha ha.

Hmm... the "ha ha" looks a little awkward in print, but since it's
Kyousuke's narration, I guess that's as good a way as any to handle
it.

     My dad's boss wanted pictures of rural part of England for some

"the rural part" or "rural parts"

reason I forget, and they gave us the address for a special boarding
house for us to stay.  Of course, being in a foreign land and all, we
got lost quite a number of times, but that didn't matter, as long as I
was close to Ayukawa.

Yep.  That's Kyousuke, all right. ^_^

     As of now, it was back to more English lessons from Ayukawa,
sheesh, I was learning more here than at school.

Break this into two sentences.

     "Yes Kurumi, that's how would you say if you needed to go to the

"Yes, Kurumi" and replace "if" with "that"... or else rephrase the
sentence.

bathroom."  Ayukawa said.
     "So it's 'wear iisu da batsuruum'?  Cool!"  Kurumi said.
          
          (*author's note:  Yep, the 'English' is in Romanji)

No, it isn't.  It's phonetic, but not romaji.

The romaji would be something more like "ueru iizu za basurumu"...
The "we" syllable doesn't even exist in modern Japanese, nor does an
unattached "r" or "m" (although the syllable "n" sometimes sounds like
an m).

     "Remember that one Kurumi, you might need it."  My dad said

"one, Kurumi"

behind the wheel.

"Said behind the wheel" just doesn't work.  Rephrase it.

     "Hey Madoka!"  Hikaru exclaimed. "How do you say, 'I love you,
Kasuga' in English?  So I can show England how much I love darling!"

Kasuga is his family name.  Kyousuke is his personal name.  Hikaru
usually refers to him as "Sempai" (when it's not "Darling"), though,
so since you're not using honorifics, I suppose it's a reasonable
translation.

     "Hmmm, don't you already know this one, Hikaru?"

"that one"

     "Nope, all they taught me in school was boring sentences like,

"sentences, like 'this"

'this is a pen' and stuff."
     "Hmmmm... it's... 'ai lobuu yuu, Kasuga.'"

Romaji would be more like "ai rabu yuu"

     "Wow, how did it go again?"
     "Ai lobuu yuu, Kasuga..."  She whispered.
     From the darkness, I thought I could see Ayukawa blushing.

Nice touch. ^_^

It
could also be my imagination; Ayukawa is too strong to show her
feelings...

Bad phrasing, here.  Maybe "too distant" or "too withdrawn"... but
"strong" isn't quite the right word, I think.

but I'm certain that she was showing her softer side.
     "Ai lobuu yuu, Kasuga." She said again.
     Even though it was in a foreign language, I can sense something
about her when she said that- kinda like she meant it...  For that
moment, I loved hearing that....

This paragraph sounds very much like one of those freeze-frame
voiceovers in the anime.  Nice work.

     "Ai lobuu yuu, Kasuga."  Hikaru said.
     Hmmm, that was a surprise, although it was nice, it wasn't nice
as Ayukawa's.

Split into two sentences.  Probably end the first after "surprise."

     After a few more minutes of driving, my dad stopped the car.
"Okay everyone, we're finally here."  Dad said as he opened the trunk
and took our luggage out.
     We opened the sliding door to our van and hopped out.  The first
thing we did was stretch our legs.  Surprisingly, the raining has

"rain has"

stopped and the clouds has cleared, the full moon illuminated very
much to help us figure out where we were.

"Illuminated very much" isn't grammatical.  I'd put a period after
"cleared" and rewrite what follows to read simply:

The light of the full moon allowed us to see.

Maybe with a bit more embellishment.

     The place where we were staying was pretty big for a country
cottage.  Well, I'm sure to the English, house is pretty small, but to

"English, the house was pretty small, but"

us, it looked like a castle.
     My dad knocked on the door, and an elderly couple came out.  Dad
gave them the details and they welcomed us in.  Luckily for us, they

"details, and"

knew Japanese!  No wonder my dad's boss told us to stay here.  I could
hear my dad and the old couple conversing.
     "Yeah, I used to be in the army."  The old man said.  "I was
stationed in Japan, and after I got out of the army, I married and
moved to Japan a while, teaching English.  You people sure have a

This is highly unlikely.  If they're "elderly," they were probably the
war generation... and the occupation force was American, not English.
I suppose he could be an American expatriate, but then it's unlikely
that he would have been an English teacher.  Something here has to go,
if this is to be remotely possible.

beautiful country.  Of course, my wife knows quite a bit of Japanese
herself, I taught her you know."
     "And you probably did a wonderful job."  My dad said.
     "Oh, it's getting late."  The old woman said.  "I bet you kids
are tired, I'll show you to your rooms."
     She led us up the wooden stairs and to our rooms. "You get two
rooms, one for the females and the other for males.  This one, since
there are only two of you are for you two men.  I'll show you girls

"two of you, is for"

your room."
     We went into our room as girls followed her.  The room was pretty

"as the girls"

bare except for one twin sized bed- far too small for both of us to
sleep in.  Luckily, we brought extra sheets so I could sleep on the
floor.  
     After a few minutes of settling in, the girls came to our room.  
     "Wow!  Your room is so small compared to ours, I wish me and
darling can have this room to ourselves, right, darling?"  Hikaru said

"could have"

grabbing onto my arm.

"said, grabbing"

     "Uh,"
     "Okay girls," dad said coming to the rescue.  "It's getting late,

"Okay, girls,"

so unpack just this things we need and go to bed.  We have a big day

"just the things"

tomorrow."
     "Aw geeze, and I wanted to look around this place."  Kurumi said
as she started to leave.
     I noticed Ayukawa from the corner of my eye.  I sensed that
something was wrong.  She looked pale and sad.  I went up to her,
"what's wrong, Ayukawa?"

Small rewrite; this paragraph is a bit muddled.  Maybe something like:

	From the corner of my eye, I noticed Ayukawa, looking pale and
sad.  Wondering what could be wrong, I asked, "What is it, Ayukawa?"

     "Oh, she must be afraid of the ghost."  Hikaru said bubbily.

Figures. ^_^

     "Ghost?"  I said.
     "Yeah, the old woman told us that her pet animal died in our
room.  And she said it's spirit has been living in that room ever

"its spirit"

since!"
     Heh, no wonder, this is one side of Ayukawa that I'm always
surprised about.  This reminded me how soft Ayukawa is inside her

"surprised by"

Also, your first sentence here suddenly shifts to present tense.  Keep
it in past, or change everything else in the fic to present, but don't
mix the two.

tough exterior.
     "Okay, I think we need to go to bed now."  Dad said.
     "Okay, Mr. Kasuga!  Byeeeee darrling!"  She said as she hugged me
tight.
     I looked at Ayukawa's expression as they left.  She did seem
disappointed when Hikaru hugged me tight, but her expression changed
to fear quickly.  It's mean, but I can't help it smile at this for

"can't help but smile"

some reason.

     I was walking through the empty beach alone.  The peaceful, night

"walking along" -- and you don't need that comma.

air smelled wonderful as the sweet scent of the beach aromaed into my

Aroma is a noun.  Not a verb.  Please. ^_^;

nose.  Suddenly, I heard a knocking.  It was faint, but I could hear
it.  Then the knocking came louder.  A few more seconds later, it was
slightly louder still.  Was it the ghost that the woman talked about?
No, it was my door.

I suspect this line is unintentionally funny... maybe it's just the
way I read it the first time through, though.  After all, it never
does say the knocking is at the door until that line... I just assumed
it.

I awoke from my dream and got up. I blinked away
my sleepiness just enough to go to the door and open it.
     Behind it was Ayukawa, that woke me up all the way.

Two sentences.

     "What are you doing here?"  I turned around to see if my Dad
awoke, he didn't.  "It's almost three in the morning."
     "I heard noises, Kyosuke."
     "It's probably you're imagination."
     "No, I heard it loud and clear.  A scratching noise."
     "Mouse?  Or another pest?"
     "No, I don't think so.  But please come and check it out for me,
please?"
     Wow, I was pretty surprised that Ayukawa would ask me for
protection... "Are you worried it's the ghost?"

I'd be surprised, too, considering that Hikaru, Manami, and Kurumi are
all much closer to Madoka.

     Ayukawa turned away.     
     I gave a small chuckle, "I'm sure it's a friendly ghost."
     "But... but still, would you please come and check it out for
me?"
     Even though it was extremely late, or early, who could refuse
Ayukawa?  Not me, especially how she looked so vulnerable.... Just

"especially when"

from that, I was persuaded by Ayukawa's sudden show of weakness.  I

"like that" (or "by that", but then you have a redundant phrase in
your sentence)

followed her to her room.  As we walked towards her room, I noticed
how she was holding on to my pajama sleeve.  Even though it wasn't
full contact, I could almost feel the soft, warm flesh of Ayukawa.
     We tip toed to her room so no one would wake up and went inside.
All of the girls were asleep, considering the "noise" Ayukawa was

"considering" is the wrong word.  "Despite" maybe.

hearing.
     "See?"  I whispered. "There's no noise."
     "Just wait a few minutes in here, please."
     I did, we sat down at Ayukawa's bed.  She was still clutching my
sleeve like a small child would hold on to her mother.  After a few
moments, I almost forgot why I was in her room, then suddenly, I did
hear some soft moaning, and scratching sounds.

Two sentences.

     "Did you hear it?"  Ayukawa softly exclaimed.  "Did you hear it,
Kasuga?"
     "Yea... Yeah."  I was pretty surprised, so it wasn't her
imagination.
     Suddenly, the sounds came again, this time, it sounded like a
frustrated growl with more scratching.  Now I was beginning to get
scared.  I clutched Ayukawa for a second but let go.  This... this was
my chance to show Ayukawa that I'm there for her, even thought I was

"even though"

probably scared as she was.

Nice bit of characterization, by the way.  If almost identical to the
"Big Monday" episode.

     "Do... don't worry, I... I'm sure it was nothing.  Let us see
where the sound came from."
     I staggered up and tried to concentrate where the sound was
coming from, hopefully, it wasn't coming from the beyond.  I

Two sentences, and lose the trailing "I."

     I almost jumped as the soft growling noise came again.  My legs
were shaking as I moved to where I thought I heard the noise.  From my

"Due to my nervousness" or something similar.

nervousness, I fell and landed on a body mass- it was Hikaru, who was
sleeping on the floor.
     "Hmmm?"  She said waking up and rubbing her eyes. "Who's this?"
Her eyes opened wide as soon as she saw me. "Darrrling!  You missed me
so much that you decided to sleep with me?!"

Urk. ^_^

     She then wrapped her arms around me before I had a chance to say
anything.  This woke everyone else up.
     "Really brother,"  Kurumi said sleepily.  "couldn't you do this
in your room?"
     "No wait, this isn't what you think!"  I said.  "Ayukawa told me
to come here because she heard the ghost pet.  I heard it to, that's

"too"

why I accidentally fell."
     "Sure, make up excuses, brother."
     "Oh darling!  A ghost?  I'm so scared."  Hikaru put her head on
my chest and hugged me tight. "Please protect me...."
     I looked towards Ayukawa and saw that she was slowly getting
angry.  I wouldn't blame her, it seemed like everyone else was making
a mockery of her situation.
     Suddenly, the sound came again.
     "Wait!"  I said. "Listen."
     Everyone fell dead silent as the noise came again.  All of a
sudden, everyone looked so pale.

Drop the "so"

     "Uh, what was that sound?"  Manami asked.
     "Something's in here!"  Kurumi said as she ran towards her
suitcase. "I think I packed my baseball bat in case of such
emergencies like this!"

Drop either the "such" or the "like this"  (And wonder why Kurumi
doesn't react by throwing the Power at it, like she normally does.
She's pretty collected, for someone who just woke up, if she's
refraining because of Madoka and Hikaru's presence.)

     Kurumi quickly unzipped a couple of her bags to find her bat.
Gee, sometimes I don't get Kurumi, wonder what she meant by
emergencies?  As soon as she opened another big bag of hears something

"Hers."  Also, the question should be split into two sentences.

flew by and caused her to scream- followed by a chain reaction of
screams from all of us.
     Then that something jumped behind Ayukawa and caused her to jump
into my arms.  Boy, it was embarrassing, having Hikaru hold me as I
held Ayukawa in my arms.  I quickly let go, blushing with her.

Embarrassing, and very unlikely, if I read Hikaru's position
correctly.  Did she move at some point?
 

     Manami turned on the lights, and we blinked our eyes to adjust to
the bright light.  The figure was- a very upset Jingoro.  We all
sighed a sigh of either relief of disappointment.
     "No wonder Jingoro was angry, having to staying inside the cramp

"that cramped bag"... I think.  Unless the thing is called a "cramp
bag," which is always a possibility...

bag with his size."  Manami smiled.  "But how did he get in here?"
     Kurumi said, "I guess I was in a little hurry, and didn't see him
as I was--"
     "--Packing right?"  I said.  I then went up to her and whispered,
"you were going to say you used your powers right?"
     "Yeah,"  She whispered back.

Err... That sounds like Kurumi, but I don't quite get it.  "I didn't
see him as I was [using my powers]" ... huh? ^_^;;;

     "Well, since this is settled, I guess we can go back to bed?  Dad

Period, not a question mark.

did say we have a long day tomorrow."
     "Well Darling, I guess I have to wait to see you tomorrow.  Are

If you're going to capitalize "Darling," then capitalize it
consistently.  It's lowercase through most of the fic to this point.

you sure that you don't want to sleep with me tonight in case the real
ghost haunts us?"
     "Uh, that's okay, Hikaru."  I said as I chucked.  I looked

"chuckled" (I hope. ^_^)

towards Ayukawa, she seemed relieved, kinda.

Rephrase this somehow, or split the sentence into two.

"Ayukawa, are you okay?"
     "Yes, thank you, Kasuga."  She then gave me a smile.
     "Now what do we do with Jingoro?"  Kurumi said.
     Manami gave me a very frustrating looking Jingoro.  "I think you
should take him, Kyosuke, since there are only two of you in your
room.  We can't let him outside because he might wonder off."  
     "Uh, sure."
     "Oh no!"  Kurumi exclaimed.
     "What's wrong?!"
     "Jingoro you bad cat!  You scratched up the clothes in my bag!
Now I won't have anything to wear!"  Kurumi said holding up a several
shredded blouses.

Poetic justice? ^_^

     "I'll let you borrow some of my clothes, Kurumi, now lets get

"let's"

some sleep."
     "Oh oh right.  But you're clothes are so boring."  Kurumi said

"Oh, all right"?

as she went back to her bed.
     After exchanging good-byes with Hikaru and Ayukawa, I carried
Jingoro back to my room.  As I carried him, it reminded me of that
slight second that Ayukawa was in my arms.  Heh, thanks, Jingoro.
     Jingoro's angry "merow" was his only reply.  I smiled as I
carried him into my room.

Not too bad for a 'photograph' fic, but there's nothing terribly
original here... and since the location in England doesn't matter, I
think you'd be better off setting it at a Japanese inn and avoiding
all that "elderly ex-soldier/English teacher" trouble.

Here's hoping #3 doesn't take quite as long as #2 did. ^_^


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa