"Relax Isaac... it's only a cartoon.  Want an apple?"

***

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji

WHAT GOES UP...

***

  It was another one of those countless, nameless insults that Ranma 
was prone to slight Akane with.  The exact offense didn't really matter 
-- it wasn't all that important in the grand scheme of things.  But to 
Akane, it was important enough at the time for her to launch Ranma into 
orbit with a single blow, as she is wont to do.
  Murder and mayhem may have been in her eyes at the time, but she 
really didn't mean it.  All she wanted to do was to help her fiance 
understand her pain.  He may not hit girls, but the things he said 
and did were sometimes more painful than blows, and somehow he never 
quite got that.  So she would respond to him in a language he could 
comprehend.  It wasn't as if it ever did any permanent damage.  And 
he always came back for more.

  Only this time, he didn't.

***

  The first few days were quiet and peaceful around the Tendo dojo, 
and all of Nerima breathed a collective sigh of relief.  Even Akane 
enjoyed it; no Ranma meant no confrontations (unless you counted Kuno, 
and of course, nobody ever did), no Dad trying to get them together 
(with Ranma missing, how would he manage that, anyway?), in fact, no 
mention of 'the fiance thing' whatsoever.  She was -- for now, anyway 
-- a free woman.  If he wants to go away and sulk for a while, then by 
all means, let him go... the baka.  He had it coming, after all.
  But as days turned into weeks, the stillness started to get downright 
eerie.  Ranma always came back before... had this been the last straw?  
Was he... oh, Kami, no!  He *couldn't* be shacking up with one of those 
other girls, could he?
  The very thought brought a cyan aura swirling around her.  She shook 
with rage as she vowed, "I'm gonna search every one of their places, 
and if I find him... I'll tear them *both* apart!"

***

  "Whaddya talkin' about?  Ran-chan hasn't been in here for nearly a 
month."  Ukyou's forehead crinkled up in concern.  "What, has he gone 
missing or something?"
  Akane was still at full boil.  'Ucchan' was playing this way too 
innocently.  Well, she could play innocent, too...
  "Well, do you mind if I have a... look around?"
  "Well, no, but..." at which point Akane leaped over the counter, 
and started a slam-bang search through all the cupboards.  Pots, pans, 
spatulas and various ingredients went flying through the air.  Ukyou 
stood, watching AKane, momentarily stunned by the ferocity of her 
search.  All at once, she snapped out of it and brought her combat 
spatula down in front of her rampaging rival.
  "All right, sweetie, that's ENOUGH!  You tryin' to tear this place 
apart or something?"
  Briefly cowed by Ukyou's blade, Akane drew herself back up to full 
height and prepared to stand her ground.  "If that's what it takes to 
find Ranma, I will, so help me!"
  "And I'm tellin' ya that he hasn't been here in a month.  You're not 
gonna find him here, so why wreck the place?"
  Akane wasn't completely convinced, but as a rule, Ukyou wasn't much 
of a liar.  "Well... if he isn't with you, then where would he be?  With 
Shampoo?"
  Now Ukyou saw red.  "Why, that little Chinese hussy!  I'll bet she 
and that old witch have dragged him back to the Amazon village with 'em.  
Well, we're not gonna take this lying down, are we, Akane?  Let's get 
over to the Neko-Hanten and find out!"

***

  Much to their surprise, the Neko-Hanten was in full operation.  Bowls 
of ramen were flying willy-nilly through the air, many landing neatly 
on nearby customers' tables, others being caught by either Shampoo or 
Mousse for delivery to one of the farther corners.  Actually, the bowls 
headed in Mousse's direction looked more as it the old woman was trying 
to bean him.  And once in a while, poor Mousse would inadvertently get 
in the way of one of Cologne's throws and wind up wearing the bowl of 
ramen, an event that was greeted with derisive laughter from the 
customers and a shout of "That's coming out of your salary, you know!" 
from the kitchen.  Ukyou shook her head.
  "Man, I wouldn't treat a dog like this."
  "You said it."
  "Y'know, I doubt we'll get a straight answer from her.  Or the old 
woman."
  Akane shrugged in agreement.  "So...?"
  "We rescue Mousse.  He'd certainly be able (and willing) to tell us."
  They nodded to each other, and together began sneaking through the 
barrage of flying food, catching a few of the bowl meant for Mousse's 
head, and setting them on random tables as they went.  Upon reaching 
Mousse, the two girls stood up.
  "You're coming with us, Mousse."  Akane announced.
  "The shirker stays here!"  came the call from the kitchen, and as 
if to punctuate her point, Cologne sent a half-dozen bowls of ramen 
flying out to them.  But there were, after all, half a dozen hands 
to catch them with.  Akane caught two, Ukyou caught two, and Mousse 
caught the other two.
  Akane stood there, tapping her foot.  "Where do these go, o-baba?  
Everyone out here *has* their ramen already."  Once again, they were 
set on a random table, in Shampoo's section, as the two girls dragged 
Mousse out of the restaurant.

***

  "What?  The coward's run off?  Hallelujah!  Now I have Shampoo all 
to myself!"
  The girls were stunned.  "You mean... he hasn't been here, either?"
  "Are you kidding?  I don't know if you noticed, but those two have 
been getting especially cranky lately.  And they've been taking it 
out on me.  Why else, except for the fact that they haven't seen Ranma 
for so long?  They're thinking he ran out on them; maybe even that I 
chased him off.  Ha.  I should be so lucky."  A glint came to his eye.  
"And now, I am!"
  Ukyou batted him gently (for her, anyway) with her spatula.  It still 
knocked him to the ground, half-conscious.  "Will you stop celebrating, 
for gosh sakes?  That still leaves us out in the cold, even if you and 
Shampoo are finally free to get together."  She looked at Akane, and 
Akane looked at her.  It was all the two girls could do to keep a 
straight face after that remark.  Then Akane sobered up.
  "Uh... there's still Kodachi..."
  "Oh, yeah.  Rats.  Well, here we go..."

***

  They were greeted (if such a word is appropriate under the 
circumstances) at the gate of the Kuno mansion by Sasuke.
  "I wouldn't go any further if I were you.  The mistress is in a 
severely foul mood, and the arrival of the likes of you would 
certainly not improve that."
  "Foul mood?"  The girls noticed that the unfortunate ninja was 
sporting several bruises of various ages on his face.
  "Indeed.  I have been unable to locate her beloved Saotome for 
these past five weeks.  It pains me to report this failure all the 
more with each passing day."  He rubbed his wounded forehead.
  "Oh.  I see."  Ukyou turned away.  "Well then, we'd better go, 
Akane-chan.  Thanks for your help, Sasuke."
  The ninja scratched his head as he watched them depart.  They 
thanked him?  For what?

***

  The two girls were sitting in the waiting room of the police 
station.
  "Refresh my memory... why are we here?"
  "Look, Akane-chan... none of us girls have seen him for a month. 
You say even his *dad* didn't know where he'd gone.  I'd say this 
is a job for the police: we're here to fill out a missing persons 
report.  Maybe *they* can help us locate Ran-chan.  Now, when did 
you see him last?"
  Akane twiddled her fingers nervously.  "Uh... well, I... y'know,
Ukyou, I don't think this is such a good idea.  Maybe we ought to 
keep the police out of this."
  "Nonsense.  This is Ran-chan we're talking about.  He could be 
anywhere.  We need all the help we can get!  Now, where were you 
two?"
  "Well, I..."  and she whispered into Ukyou's ear.  The young cook 
sat up straight in her chair.
  "Oh."  She stood up.  "I think you may be right.  We don't want 
you to get booked on assualt charges."

***

  After some serious family discussions, Nabiki volunteered to pull 
some strings with a major rice distrubution concern to have pictures 
of both Ranma and Ranma-chan printed on sack of rice to be sold 
throughout Japan.  "I understand that some countries in the West use 
milk cartons, but I thought this might be more effective.  Besides, 
I gotta use the connections I have..."
  Soun's tears of gratitude pooled on the table.  "Oh, such selfless-
ness!  How proud I am that my middle daughter is doing her part to 
maintain the Tendo family honor."
  "Oh, dry up, Daddy.  I'm doing this so Akane gets the dojo and I 
can go on with my own life.  Otherwise, you might get some bright idea 
to hitch *me* up with someone if this doesn't work out."

***

  Ryoga had had the bad luck to have passed by the dojo several days 
thereafter, and a now quite-worried Akane had persuaded him to take 
a ream of handbills with Ranma's pictures with him on his future 
journeys.  As he never could refuse a request of hers, no matter 
how untenable in retrospect, it wasn't long before he found himself... 
somewhere... tacking a sign to any available post or wall.
  "Hm.  Wonder why Nabiki had these printed in so many different 
languages?  I mean, everyone here speaks Japanese, right?  Isn't that 
right, sir?" he called to a passer-by.
  The man turned and replied: "No comprendo, senor."
  Ryoga blinked, then went back to his work.  Briefly.  Then, it hit 
him.
  "Why the heck am I doing this?  I should have stayed there with 
Akane!  If that swine Ranma's run out on her, this ought to be my 
chance!  Yeah...!  I gotta head back to the dojo.  I gotta... I gotta 
toss these into the dumpster.
  "But... ah, I promised her I'd hang 'em.  Hmph.  Aren't I the 
pushover..."

***

  Genma Saotome had found the courage to go home and face his wife; 
after being kicked out of the dojo, he really didn't have anywhere 
else to go.  And what with it known far and wide that Ranma had 
disappeared, perhaps he could persuade her that it had nothing to 
do with whether his promise to her had been met or not.
  Perhaps.  "So... you say you have no idea why he left?"  Nodoka's 
expression was cool, for a woman who was finally seeing her husband 
after a twelve-year absence.  Not that it surprised him.
  Genma grimaced.  "I think Akane kicked him out of the house.  You 
know, I don't think either of the children were too pleased about 
the engagement."
  "You do tend to make difficult promises that other people have to 
carry out, dearest."  Sweatdrops beaded on Genma's forehead.  "Am I
also to understand that he has run off with some other girl?  What 
am I to make of this?  Should I consider this the action of a man 
among men?"
  Now Genma was really sweating.  "My dearest wife, I really don't 
know.  I suppose he may have rebelled somewhat against my teaching; 
I know I could be harsh at times, b-b-but I thought of him as a manly 
young lad.  I was proud of what he'd become, of what I'd made him 
into.  He'll be back, I'm sure of it.  Maybe you can withhold judgement 
until then...?"  He forced a grin at her grim visage and bared katana.
  He breathed a sigh of relief as the katana was lowered.  "Very well, 
dearest.  After all, the promise was made by both of you, and both of 
you must answer for it.  It would not be fair for me to pass judgement 
on you having not seen him.  Still, this is not promising.  Running 
off with another girl like this..."  and she continued to examine the 
bag of rice she had recently purchased.  Sweat continued to pour from 
Genma's forehead.

***

   As it so happened, Ranma had indeed found another girl.  One that 
was as cute as Ucchan, as affectionate as Shampoo, nothing at *all* 
like Kodachi...
   "Oh, Dar-ling!"
   And as lousy a cook as Akane.  He broke off a chunk of moon rock 
and began chewing.  Green cheese wasn't the greatest thing to eat for 
breakfast, lunch and dinner, but at least it killed his appetite for 
Lum's poisonous stew...  

***

A note from Ukyou...

I was starting to think that my creative juices were drying up for 
awhile there.  What with the Ranma 5/2 and Onion Tears continuities 
taking shape at an excruciatingly slow pace, and no new dreams coming 
to me, I was starting to get a little worried.

On the other hand, this came to me the other night in a fever dream 
while I've been battling a terrible virus (the physical kind, not the 
electronic type.  That was last month).  I'm telling ya, if it requires 
a 102-degree fever to get started with new ideas, I think I'll take a 
pass in the future, thank you very much.  <muttering> geez, talk about 
suffering for the art.  And Ran-chan's always as healthy as an ox.  I 
envy him....

Oh, sorry.  Off in another world.  Anyway, I'd really appreciate 
comments and criticism or whatever; you all know where to send it by 
now... ah, but if you don't (it *has* been a while, after all) here it 
is again:

ukyoukwnji@aol.com

Thanks for listening, and I hope you enjoyed it at any rate!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan   ^_^