Well, I apologize ahead of time to continuity buffs for any mistakes in
this text, and if anybody's got the time, I would appreciate some
feedback. This is my first 'fic in a long time, I'm feeling very rusty.
Also, to people whom I've told I would preread for and haven't gotten
back to on time: I've just gotten back into the slow and long process
of playing catch-up, but please be patient. Thank you
Disclaimer: the Dirty Pair and all related characters and material are
the property Haruka Takachiho and Sunrise Inc., all Star
Wars material is the property of Lucasfilms and George Lucas, a
corporate giant that could squash me like a bug so please
don't sue. The "Brass Monkey," Al Krensky, and all related characters
are the property of Josh Deim and SMD (copyright
1995-1997).
In the broadcast room of the KAFA 104.3 radio station, three strange
individuals are busily preparing for a
broadcast
Chris DiNote stands in front of a large microphone desperately
trying to organize a large set of papers, several of which keep
slipping out and falling on the floor
"Josh, have you found the record yet?"
Josh Deim pokes his head out from a huge box of vinyl and sadly
shakes his head.
"It's no good Dino, I think we're going to have to go with this one"
ashe pulls out the Star Wars Disco album (believe me,unfortunately, it's
real)
Jeremy Learned shakes his head and puts his hands over his eyes:
"No. You've got to be kidding me. I'd rather use the Muppet Show theme
music than that crap."
Chris shrugs his shoulders, begins to read in a deep radio
announcer voice and speaks into the mic as Josh begins playing the
Saturday Night Fever-nightmare.
"From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a
legend..."
"Ah dammit, wrong one." He shuffles some papers around, most of which
end up on the floor.
"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
While the rest of the galaxy faces a period of civil war, business
continues as usual in the Corporate Sector. The Corporate Sector
Authority maintains control for the Galactic Empire, which has focused
its attentions on defeating the Rebel Alliance.
The Rebels have recently scored their first victory against the Imperial
Navy, stealing plans for a fearsome new weapon, the
Death Star. Far removed from this conflict, one of the premier agencies
of the Corporate Sector, the "Worlds Welfare Work
Association," or 3WA for short, continues to send out teams of "Trouble
Consultants" to the worlds of the galaxy, solving
problems of every color and shape, and occasionally enforcing Imperial
law. One such team is the "Lovely Angels," more commonly known to the
galaxy at large by their unfortunate nick-name, the "Dirty Pair." Even
now, these two intrepid crime-fighters race towards the planet Tatooine,
in search of their quarry...
(Camera scrolls down: we see the starship Lovely Angel coasting along in
no particular hurry at all)
Yuri slowly awoke with sound of the shipboard alarm chronometer
playing a selection from "Sy Snootles and the Max Reebo Band's Greatest
Hits." She sat up in the bunk, swung her legs over the side and
stretched out her arms and back. She glanced at the chronometer on the
wall, which read 0610 ship's time. "Wow, I overslept by 10 minutes, and
missed the first three tracks on the music program guaranteed not to let
anyone oversleep. Figures." Long hyperspace trips bored Kei and her to
death, so they had brought along a few bottles of Corellian Ale to make
the trip go a little bit faster. Last night they had over done it just
a tiny bit. She couldn't remember whether she, Kei, or Mughi had
returned the ship to sub-light
propulsion anywhere near their their destination or not. They could've
flown right into a sun and been too drunk to realize it.
But, like every other time, they hadn't. As she stood up, finally
putting her feet on the freezing cold floor, she looked over at the
double-bunk Kei and Mughi shared. Kei slept on the bottom bunk, and it
didn't seem like she was getting up any time soon. She rolled two or
three times moaning about headaches and long hyperspace trips. Mughi,
who had been sleeping on the top bunk, blinked his eyes and jumped down,
landing on all fours as usual. He shook himself out and let our
meowr-like yawn.
Yawns are contagious, and Yuri let one out as well, though nowhere
even close to being cat-like. The ship's sleeping quarters
communications gear beeped, letting her know that she and her partner
had an incoming message. She turned the holo-unit on as she began to
undress and walk over to the head and its inviting shower stall.
Kei was finally awake herself, and began to watch to the hologram.
"Hey Yuri, do you know what this is about?"
"No idea," Yuri was deep into her daily grooming routine now. "Tell
me if it's anything important."
The 3WA logo appeared on screen, faded, and was replaced by the
visage of Chief Gooley.
"Lovely Angels, this recording contains an update to the personal
and technical files of the man you are to apprehend. In addition, you
are to confiscate his vessel and turn both it and him over to Imperial
authorities on Coruscant. Most importantly, the mission calls for this
man to apprehended alive. No disintegrations."
"Gee, that takes all the fun out of it. Why didn't they get some
bounty hunter for this job, what's so important that they couldn't get
Bobba Fett or somebody like him?" Kei didn't mind doing
manhunts, police work was what she and Yuri were
usually called into to do. Not that that is what they did best or
enjoyed the most, but their jobs were always accompanied with enough
heavy blaster fire and angry imperial military officers to
be somewhat interesting.
"What is it Kei?"
"Some data on the mission, I'll let you know if anything interesting
turns up."
Chief Gooley disappeared, replaced by two holograms, the first was a
head and shoulders profile of a fairly decent looking young man with
brown hair, brown eyes, and a rather prominent nose. The second holo
was a full body shot, showing the man dressed in casual, non-descript
clothing of the latest Corellian style. Both holos slowly rotated to
give the viewers all angles of their man, and vital statistics along
with distinguishing marks were displayed.
The voice-over continued. "This man is Aleksandr Xavier Eckskalibur
Huh G. Rection Krensky, "
"Ha! I bet he added that one himself." Kei thought smugly as Mughi
jumped up next to her on the bunk. He watched the holo
with passing interest cocking his head every now and then. Yuri walked
out of the shower, drying her hair with a pink towel.
"He's nothing special. Still, he's got a pretty cute smile."
"...more commonly known as Al Krensky and any of hundreds of other
aliases. Place of birth - unknown - age: approximately 27 standard
years -. Wanted on several counts of smuggling for numerous Hutt crime
bosses. Cargoes he has smuggled have included weapons, spice, chaka
root, illegal and indecent media publications, stolen droids, stolen
artworks and currency. It is also known that his ship, the "Brass
Monkey," is a stolen Imperial Guardian class customs
cruiser that has been used to transport Rancor children as slaves.
Krensky is also something of an interplanetary gigolo, the man with two
or three girls in every starport type"
"He sounds perfect for you, Kei" Kei angrily threw several pillows
at Yuri and continued to watch, now with some real interest. It was
going to be a lot of fun to blast this guy into space dust.
"...furthermore, he has been convicted of an illegal use of a solid
fuel -matter-to-energy converter. The holo showed such a device on the
engineering deck of the ship, labeled "E-wok Quarters."
Yuri was sickened by the obviously evil and twisted sense of humor.
"E-wok Quarters? That, that's disgusting! He MURDERS E-WOKS!"
Kei was quick with the witty response "Great, if we get him to
install another one and label it 'Jawa Quarters,' I say we let
him go. No, let's give him a medal." Yuri was quick to defend the
honor of the diminutive desert scavengers. "But they're
soooooo cuuuuute!"
"...and finally, he has been caught on ship's recording attacking
and destroying Imperial property." This film showed the tiny
and strangely named Brass Monkey firing on a Star Destroyer, of course
with little result.
"This guy either lives up to his name, or he's just plain stupid."
Kei shook her head. While Yuri and her were a pretty lethal
combination when it came to destroying things, even they were fairly
certain they couldn't take out a Star Destroyer with
_just_ the Lovely Angel's weapons. The 'Angel was one of the most
heavily modified vessels in existence, it's small 80 meter
frame tricked out to the capabilities of a 200 meter cruiser, but
Imperial Star Destroyers could take out entire fleets on their
own. Then they watched with some surprise as the obviously heavily
modified vessel looped, dove, rolled, and generally outmaneuvered older
fighters, like the Z-95 and the Y-wing, and held its own against
squadrons of Imperial TIEs, littering space with their wreckage.
"...therefore, it is imperative that you bring him in, ALIVE for a
change, to stand trial for his crimes. The Empire's pretty sure
that he is in with the Rebellion, so they're breathing down the 3WA's
neck to make sure the job gets done right. As we said before, his last
known location was Mos Eisley, on Tatooine, good luck Lovely Angels."
The recording ended and Yuri, now dressed in her revealing
uniform began to walk towards the cockpit, withMughi in tow. "I'm going
up front to make sure that Nanmo dropped us out of hyperspace at the
right coordinates, and then I'll get us a landing bay hopefully close to
where this nerf-herder is holding up."
"I'll be out in a little bit, thanks for taking so long in the
shower Yuri."
"Mm Hmm." Yuri went up front and noticed a completely shut down and
partially disassembled R10 series astromech
droid, Nanmo, sitting in the hot pilot's seat. "Oh, I guess we really
did get out of hand last night. Those blast marks are gonna take some
work to clean off." Yuri then opened up the cockpit shield
covering revealing the black starfield of space and Yuri got the strange
feeling that something wasn't quite right.
Namely, the control tower of a Star Destroyer was heading right for
them!
"Ahhh!" Yuri screamed in complete shock Mughi screamed with a
terrified, cat-like hiss and immediately jumped on Yuri's head with
cat-like agility.
"Mughi, get off me!"
"Yuri, what's going on out there?
"Mughi get off me!"
"Yuri? Oh no!" Kei was tying her bathrobe as she strolled into the
cockpit and quickly assessed the situation. She avoided
Yuri, who danced around trying to remove many pounds of terrified
Military Utility Genetic Higher Intelligence from her head,
and grabbed the Angel's controls, diving out of the huge ship's path.
The Star Destroyer responded by firing at the Angel with
its forward mounted turbolasers.
"Why are those idiots shooting at us?"
Yuri, having gotten Mughi off of her head, turned on and checked their
scanner plot. "They're not firing at us, turn the ship around real
quick and look!"
Kei and Mughi reactivated enough systems to bring the ship under
some control again, and turned her about. They saw a tiny
Corellian blockade runner doing its best to out run a ship that out
classed and outgunned it about 100 to 1. The Imperials
pounded on the tiny vessel in hopes of disabling it, and the Rebels
returned fire as best they could.
"Yuri, I can't raise the deflector shields! Damn, why did we have
to play target practice with Nanmo last night?"
"Kei, get us out of their field of fire!"
"Too late! Damn rebels can't hit squat!"
(Suspenseful, isn't it?)
Tune in next week! Now, a word from our sponsor� "Who knows what
evil lurks in the minds of men�"
In the KAFA broadcast room, Yuri stood at the microphone, one hand on
the headphones trying to listen to the playback, and the other holding a
thick, full script in front of her eyes. One thing she liked about
radio, nobody could see the glasses she wore while reading, and if those
cadets knew what was good for them, no one else would know either! In
the control room, Kei was busy holding Chris DiNote hostage, I mean,
discussing her lines with him.
"Forget it! There is NO WAY IN HELL I AM READING THOSE LINES YOU LOUSY
PERV!"
"Oh come on Kei, this is your big chance for a comeback! Radio dramas
worked for Star Wars didn�t they?"
Josh picked a very unfortunate time to speak up "Yeah, but Star Wars
hardly needed a comeback" and all too quickly realized his mistake.
He�s recovering nicely now, his bodycast should be off in about three
weeks.
"You know Kei, I was on the phone with A-ko last week, and she said she
would simply LOVE a chance to play you in a �fic"
"Forget it I�ll read the damn lines." Kei walked over to the
microphone rather dejectedly and began to read, in a flat, monotone
voice, "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby yes."
"Hey Yuri, about those glasses," Jeremy�s bowels turned to ice as Yuri
gave him a evil stare that could shatter a mirror. He gulped. "No,
really they give you a�sophisticated look." He smiled weakly. Yuri�s
gaze narrowed, here eyes becoming slits,her facial muscles tight her
mouth in a frown. Her trigger finger twitched.
"No, I mean it! I�m sorry! You�re gorgeous baby!" BLAST BLAST BLAST
BLAST. She was about ready to reach for the Bloody Card, when the
special effects budget ran out, saving Jeremy from an untimely, painful
demise. (Hey, this IS radio after all!)
Kei was right the, rebels� shots were having a much more telling effect
on the Lovely Angel than the Star Destroyer! Yuri worked feverishly
trying to bring the Angel�s shields and propulsion back on line. Mughi
ran to and fro, grabbing the various hydrospanners and other tools she
needed. Meanwhile, Kei offered her own unique brand of encouragement.
"Dammit Yuri, hurry up! I can�t believe those friggin rebel idiots,
oh, just you wait, somebody�s gonna be hurtin real bad after we get done
with this. And the Empire! You think they�d send some help or
something. Yuri what�s taking so damn long!"
"Do you want to fix this thing?!"
""No, I want to go fix those rebels, that�s what I want to fix!"
Yuri finished the last connection, welded the last component back into
place and began the ship�s start up sequence as the Angel began to
tumble down into Tatooine�s atmosphere.
Kei grabbed onto the pilot�s seat, and mughi grabbed onto her waist.
"Yuri, nothing�s happening, except us burning up in the atmosphere!"
"Oh heck." Yuri tried one last thing. She banged the bulkhead with
her fist and the ship responded with the sounds of engines warming up.
The controls came on line and Yuri took the opportunity to pull the
Lovely Angel out of it�s flat spin. She also brought the shields up and
saved them all from burning up in the atmosphere of the obscure desert
planet. With the Lovely Angel back under some control, they had to find
a place to crash land as safely as possible. They weren�t going to make
it to Mos Eisley, the only real spaceport on the planet, but Yuri was
sure as hell going to get them as close as possible. Kei strapped
herself and Mughi in as Yuri, sweat beading on her forehead from the
intense concentration, brought the �Angel in to a perfect 5 point
landing (surface contact, bounce a few hundred feet, land, bounce,
land). The ship came to a complete stop half buried in the sands of
Tatooine.
The cockpit was filled with smoke. Wires and controls hissed and
sparked and the sounds of the engines died away. Kei undid the safety
harness and slid out.
"Yuri are trying to kill me or something? From now on, I fly ALL the
time!"
Needless to say, Yuri was quite taken aback by this outburst. "What do
you mean �you fly all the time�? If you hadn�t shot up Nanmo last
night"
" _I_ shot up Nanmo? Look who�s talking little miss sharpshooter, you
had to let us fly right in the path of fire of an Imperial Star
Destroyer!"
Yuri threw gloves down and launched herself at Kei. Mughi was bright
enough to leave the cockpit, now the scene of a cock fight, at the first
signs of trouble. Kei caught Yuri with a snap kick to the abdomen, and
Yuri fell back, sitting on the red hot control panel of the spaceship.
With a cry she sprang forward into Kei much faster than she did before
knocking her to the ground.
While they fought, they failed to notice the slow, lumbering hulk of
the Jawa sandcrawler making its way towards them. Up in the control
room of the Sandcrawler, the driver was throwing a fit.
"Tell those fools to move or something! I can�t turn this damn thing
in time! Oootini!" He screamed in Jawaese. Blasting the Sandcrawler�s
warning claxon and jumping up and down, he failed to notice the warning
blips on the scavenged sensor equipment jury-rigged into the controls.
Kei and Yuri had taken their battle to the main deck of the "Lovely
Angel," which was also now beginning to fill up with smoke. Kei had
Yuri in a tight headlock while Yuri was doing her best to break Kei�s
grip. Yuri was nearly ready to bite her partner�s arm when the ground
shook and loud noises were heard from outside the ship. All interest in
their spat quickly lost, Kei opened the hatch and grabbed her blaster.
Kei hesitated, stopping at a locker to grab her heavy tripod-mounted
repeater blaster and a few thermal detonators.
Outside, a platoon of Stormtroopers, supported by some serious
support weaponry were turning a large treaded land vehicle into a pile
of junk. All beliefs in Imperial accuracy were thrown out the door
forever as many shots further damaged the Lovely Angel. Further doubt
was cast on the Imperials' intentions as the Pair noticed the short,
robed bodies littered around the site. This being the second time that
the Empire had shot at the Lovely Angels themselves, so needless to say,
they were pefectly willing to shoot back.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
Thanks for your time
Chris DiNote, aka Dino
SMD Publications Inc.,
...and from the introduction to The Grace of Great Things:
"Creativity is dangerous. We cannot open ourselves to
new insight without endangering the security of our
prior assumptions. We cannot propose new ideas without
risking disapproval and rejection. Creative
achievement is the boldest initiative of mind, an
adventure that takes its hero simultaneously to the rim
of knowledge and the limits of propriety. Its pleasure
is not the comfort of the safe harbor, but the thrill
of the reaching sail."
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