BOBA FETT AND MAD SCHLEMEL vs. NEARLY, BUT NOT QUITE ALL, OF THE 
RANMA � CAST

	--A quick Bloody Crazy--

	Boba Fett had finally hit the breaking point and gone stark raving
mad.  It was unfortunate, as will be revealed, that he met up with Mad
Schlemel on the Lucky Sinker.  They were headed for the magical land of
Scrumptiousness, were they were going to throw sticks at people, when
without warning, their ship hit a large nothing.
	"Aaaargh!  Wave beaders and cockatoos!  Fetch me my slippers and
green!"
	This was Mad Schlemel.  Boba Fett hadn't quite gotten hold of the
language yet, but he was learning.
	Captain Brains, at the helm, shouted at random objects because they
were ignoring him, all except for his left sock.  It was chewing on his
foot in confusion.
	Now, because this is something we just want to get done so's all you
out there get your silliness for the day, we aren't going to waste  time
with a detailed description of the shipwreck.  Let us just assure you
that it *was,* in fact, wrecked (though miraculously fixed by the end of
the story) and that our heroes ended up stranded on a remote Japanese
town.  This is difficult, since it was nowhere near an ocean.  Of
course, our heroes hadn't been traveling on any known ocean that was
locatable on a map, so we'll just let The Good Lord sort  that bit out,
okay?
	They all stood up and brushed themselves off.  Boba Fett had to use
steel wool.   Boba Fett had to use steel wool.  Boba Fett had to use
steel wool.
	Quit reading the same line over and over and bloody get on with it,
will you?
	In front of them was a patch of road.  An animal was nesting in it,
eating cars.  It was a rather big frog of sorts.  They wandered across
its enormous back and slept.  Somewhere.  Maybe over there.  No, I
changed my mind, over *there.*
	They woke up in a large drainpipe, which was not where they had fallen
asleep, and crawled out.  They realized that they had no reason to be
wandering from there ship, and where about to head back, when Big Cabin
Boy (not as big as  the frog) turned and shouted, "Hey!  It's Ranma! 
Beat him!"
	Ranma  heard the yell and looked back.  "Huh?"  he said.
	The scene he saw horrified him.  There was a large metal man holding a
laser rifle, some wierd pirate (The Pirate Dreadbeard, not previously
mentioned) screaming and throwing stuff, another pirate waving a large
salmon in the air, and a drooling, bearded man ranting about boots and
raising a sword in the air.  They were all running at him, except for
Mad Schlemel, who was lurching at speeds of three.
	Ranma did the only logical thing.  He ran away from them.
	Boba Fett saw this and pulled a zipcord on his back.  Flames sparked,
and after a few false starts, he was soon careening down the road at
speeds even greater than three.  He lowered his had and used it to smash
Ranma into  the side of a building.  Ranma "Ack"ed and slid down
humorously.  Mad and the others pounced him and beat him savagely until
he had died three times.
	They stopped.  "Okay.  We need more people to beat."  Captain Brains
spit on the ground. "It's as simple as that."
	The Pirate Dreadbeard shouted at the top of his lungs, "Yeah! 
Uh...uh...Yeah!"
	"Let's find more people drawn in Rumiko Takahashi's art style!"
	"Yeah!"  The Pirate Dreadbeard gave this some consideration.  "Yeah!" 
he added.


	Ukyo, Shampoo, and Kodachi, weighed up their opponents.  An old man
with shoelaces in his mouth, a man with a fish, some weird pirate who
kept shouting out obscene remarks at them, a really big guy, and an
armored space-lookin' son of a gun.
	"Okay, let's make this quick, girls," Ukyo said, drawing her spatula. 
She wasn't a good artist, so she took out her real one.
	"You kill Ranma!  We lick your ass!"
	The other two girls looked at her.
	"Kick.  Sorry."
	They cleared their throats.  Looking back,  they came face to face with
Boba Fett,  who had sneaked up to them when they weren't looking,
nyah-nyah.
	He drew a spatula, and *his* looked much better.  He gave Ukyo the
drawing and shoved a thermal detonator in her tights, in a lame move to
cop a feel.
	He and the crew ran off.  *FAST.*
	The Pirate Dreadbeard yelled some more.  "It was funny," he thought,
"They were women."
	

	Soun had a secret he'd been keeping from everybody for years, because
there wasn't enough for all of them.  And it wasn't his penis, so don't
even ask.  It was that he was dead.  Even his closest friend, Genma,
didn't know.  So it was actually less strange than most of the things
that have happened so far that when the crew of the Lucky Sinker
attacked them, he lurched off into a river, leaving Genma to have his
head stepped on and squished.
	Genma got his head stepped on and squished, to say the least.


	Tatewaki Kuno and Nabiki Tendo were *not* having sex.  There were no
handcuffs, no ropes, and above all, no livestock.  And the Crew did
*not* run into Kuno's room waving there arms madly.  Boba Fett, Mad
Schlemel, Big Cabin Boy, and The Pirate Dreadbeard did *not* tackle Kuno
from the  bed and start kicking his bruised (or not bruised) body. 
Captain Brains had in no way started smacking the not-naked Nabiki with
his Holy Salmon.
	Next...


	Kasumi died of natural causes before they could get to her.  But they
threw her body from a jet plane, at least.


	 Ryoga and Mousse, in one of them rare moments, were walking along the
street together.  They were getting along because Ryoga had no idea
where the hell he was going, and Mousse had lost his glasses, so they
could feel a bit of empathy.  Ryoga did not deserve to be smacked over
the head and instantly killed with a sniper rifle by Boba Fett.  Mousse
turned.
	"Hey!  Now I'm gonna be lost without someone to tell me where the hell
I'm going."  He did what he would normally do in these circumstances,
which was pull out bladed weapons and charge at them.  Unfortunately,
they sidestepped, and Mousse ran down the street hacking at completely
innocent people.  He nearly took out the whole city before a man shot
him from an apartment building, gave a wave to the couple he had saved,
and ran off, because it wasn't his apartment and he needed a camel spit
bath.


	Cologne and Happosai *were* having sex, but only in their
imaginations.  Scared ya', didn't I.  Don't worry; they were only
mind-fucking.  Mad Schlemel lobbed off their heads with a guillotine,
which was a difficult task because Happosai wouldn't quit squirming
around.  My guess is that he had a *very* good imagination.


	And  now, Akane.  She was sitting at home peacefully with a loaf of
bread duct-taped to her hair.  It really didn't look as stupid as it
sounds.  Amazing, eh?
	Each of the five members of the crew had taken a different entrance to
the house.  Mad Schlemel crawled in through a first floor window.  The
smile on his face was downright wicked.  Big Cabin Boy wedged himself
down the  chimney but  got caught halfway.  He started to gnaw on the
bricks to loosen them up.  Pirate Dreadbeard ran screaming through the
glass sliding door, which was the first sign to Akane that anything bad
was going to happen, but she was so used to it she gave it no attention.
	Captain Brains had stolen the keys from Genma, and took the front
entrance.  Boba Fett was digging a tunnel.
	The screaming grew louder.  Akane looked up and saw a pirate standing
in the kitchen entrance.  She turned her head and saw Captain Brains
pacing up the hall nonchalantly.  There was a muffled curse, and a man
fell out of the chimney with three (count 'em, three) bricks in his
mouth.
	She leapt back.  She leapt again when a metal helmet popped up from the
floor and looked at her strangely.
	It said to her, with a British accent, "Why do you have a loaf of bread
on your hair, girl?"
	"What bread?" she said, confusedly.  She shook her head.
	Akane looked around, up to the door which led to the stairs, the only
escaped from....from *whatever* the hell was  going on.  But there was a
*thump-thump-thump,* and Mad Schlemel (who had entered on the *first*
floor, remember?)  fell down the stairs head-first.
	Akane leapt up to the roof, but The Pirate Dreadbeard leapt, too, and
pulled out a large mallet to smack her over the head with.
	"This can't be!  He's using my technique against me!"  She made a mad
dash for the door, but she ran into Big Cabin Boy, who she'd *mistook*
for the door.  He kicked her.  Then he stomped on her toes.
	She hobbled backward, and Boba Fett bit her foot, which was having a
very bad day.  Captain Brains forced the fish into her skirt and painted
her hand red.  Then they all began to tickle her, excluding Mad
Schlemel, who stood by and watched thoughtfully.   It was kind of funny
to see Boba Fett tickle her, since his head was the only portion above
ground.  He just had to shake his head really fast.
	At last they stopped.  Akane looked up at them.
	"Why don't you fight fair, huh?  One on one, eh, just me and...and..."
she looked around.  Her gaze took in the skinny old shape of  Mad
Schlemel, with more bone than meat on him.  "YOU!" she said,
triumphantly.
	Mad Schlemel tilted his head.  He reached into his pockets and pulled
out all of  the dead bodies and threw them at her, crushing her utterly.
	They all watched.  Soun hobbled past, gave them a wave, and lurched
onward.
	Brains clapped his hands.  "Well...back to the boat?"
	"Yeah!" anwered The Pirate Dreadbeard.

	As promised, the boat is in perfect shape, and the crew set sail on the
ocean that wasn't  on the globe.  Mad Schlemel was discussing things
with Captain Brains, and pointing at a landmass on a map that read:
	Akira Toriyama.