Note: This is part 3 of 3, and definitely the longest one in the submission. I tried
to follow Maxwell's breaks as he sent them to me.
[Scene Changes. Bonfire, beach and babes running around the place. Couple of
nets set up and everyone is playing Glow volleyball.
(Fluorescent green volleyball with an internal stabilizer so it can tell when
it hits an imaginary wall and appears to bounce off of thin air. Great to play
in the dark.)
MAT & TI view their handiwork with satisfaction and a girl for each of them.
Mike: She's alive! SHE'S ALIVE!
MAT
Mon cherie, would you like to... Go someplace more private?
Crow (Ti): Mat, it's just our first date?
Tom: Please don't, Crow. The fic might take the hint?
BIKINI BABE (AIRHEAD GIGGLE)
Oh Mat, you're a riot.
MAT
looks at TI
Tom: See, Crow, you just had to encourage it!
Mike: Maybe if we offer a Scooby Snack?
MAT (IN FRENCH)
You know, these girls are so stupid they can't even tell when
I'm making a pass. Ooh la la.
SUPERIMPOSE TRANSLATION AS SUBTITLE
BIKINI BABE (GIGGLE)
Ooh. Say some more French!
TI
Well girls ...
Mike (Bikini Girl): Hey, that isn't French! It's um? ahh?
I think it's Russian!
[stops in Mid-sentence]
ESTABLISHING SHOT DESCENDING SPACESHIP
everyone looks up and starts shouting. general Chaos.
Crow: So is that the commanding officer of the base
Tom (General Chaos): Private! Today you have latrine duty. Your job
is to put this fic in the toilet!
MAT
HEY! Get zat junk heap out of here!
Mike: And while zour at it, grab zee chips and zome more beer!
[At this point bolts of green lightning zaps down and MAT disappears in a puff
of electricity. The same bolt snags the other guys including MISU and MANDY he
was just about to make out with her (Cursing all the way).]
Tom: Cursing while kissing?
Crow: You goddamn bi? ah, again please.
DISSOLVE TO:
[Scene change, very cool looking fighter. Tarmac all around and a hangar
Tom: How come the plane in the background reads "Valu-Jet"?
Mike: Maybe because they expect a fic like this to go down in flames?
completes the backdrop. SPIKE and SAM sit casually on her bike and scarf
hamburgers and cokes.]
SAM
Nice fighter. What is it?
All: IT'S A FIGHTER! YOU JUST SAID IT WAS A FIGHTER!
SPIKE
It's an F12 Puma, made for atmospheric flight and exo-
atmospheric flight. I call her uh...
[just thinking of a name he blurts out]
Sam.
SAM
Sam, huh.
Mike (Spike): But it used to be Misu! I changed it for you, see?
[looks convinced, sarcastic]
Uh huh. Nice name. I wonder where ya got it from? Puma hmm.
Has it got the neural pilot option and the weapons link
options?
SPIKE
is impressed!
Tom: A lot more than we are at this point?
Crow: What would the opposite of "impressed" be? I think that's a good place
to start
SPIKE
Hey, that's right it does! You know your planes babe...
[falls off bike with a THUD.]
SAM
How many times do I have to tell you not to call me babe!
Mike (Sam): I told you, call me Slugger!
SPIKE
OK, jeez. Yeah, it's got that stuff on it.
SAM
Cool. Come on, let's go for a spin. I'll drive.
SPIKE
Now?
[loud gulping sound is heard]
Crow: His coke seemed to go down right?
Tom: Maybe it'd be better if it didn't go down right?
SAM
Sure, you said it was yer's didn't ya?
SPIKE
Umm yeah, but ...
SAM
And you said she was fueled and ready to go, right?
[eyes SPIKE]
SPIKE
Yeah but...
Crow (Spike): I was hoping for a bit more foreplay!
SAM
drags SPIKE on the tarmac towards the fighter, throws him in the co-pilots
seat
and lifts her hair to reveal a very small jack in the base of her skull
Tom: I wonder when he'll get to the metal plate farther up the head?
Mike: I believe she's made of metal plating with the amount she beats on
other people?
SPIKE
Hey, you sure you know how to run one of these things?
Crow (Sam): Well, as a matter of fact, no. I beat you up so many times, I figured
a plane crash was the only way to injure you more.
SAM
Shut up and jack in.
SPIKE
Sure.
[Jacks in (his jack is located in the same place.]
Tom: NO! DON'T TELL ME THAT!
Mike: Sam still stands for "Samantha" at this point, right?
EXT. FIGHTER
engines begin to whine, several lights flicker on and off etc. startup
sequence. Camera changes to looking at the jet which starts to lift off the
ground and points the nose forward and blasts out of sight in a blue wash of
plasma and a roaring sound.
INT. SPACESHIP - CELL
several moans and curses are heard.
Crow: Hey, they're making out again!
Mike: Well, I do believe that those college students have a one-track mind?
MISU
Where's the friggin' light in this dump. If we're gonna get
abducted we at least ought to be able to ...
Tom: Kiss the aliens that took us?
[breaks off as light turns on and MANDY is standing there nude with bat wings
out. This is Mandy in her true form!]
MISU
is dumbfounded!
Mike (Misu): Kinky! I like it!
MISU
Gah! Uh! Uh!
MANDY
looks down and blushes a cute crimson red. Covers herself with her arms. Wings
fold back
MANDY
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
Crow: And what makes you think that bat wings coming from the girl that he was
kissing not a few minutes ago would have an impact on a drunkard like Misu?
MANDY
grins girlishly
MISU
Gah! Duh!
Mike (Misu): I think I need more of those happy pills?
VINNY
whacks MISU upside the head.
Tom: Do it again!
Crow: Please! It would do the world a favor!
VINNY (WHISPERS TO MISU)
Say something intelligent you imbecile!
Mike (Misu): I can't? I've only been in college for _five years_!
Basic English isn't until the seventh!
MISU
(shakes off shock of seeing his girlfriend nude and with bat wings. Then is
shocked again by the first intelligent thing he's ever heard VINNY say--stares
in amazement at VINNY, looks back to MANDY.
Tom (Misu): Ahh? what are you doing tonight?
Crow (Mandy): Would you like to wax my wings?
MISU
Er. What lovely wings...
INT. COCKPIT
the Radio sputters to life.
RADIO
Base to Puma come in over.
SPIKE
Puma here over.
RADIO
Spike, what the hell are you doing? Over.
Crow: We've been wondering the same thing, fic?
Mike: It's about damn time you ask that.
SPIKE
Taking my girlfriend for a spin, over.
SAM
You mean I am taking you for a spin.
Tom (Spike): Does that mean you'll quit hitting me?
RADIO
I don't care who is taking whom for a spin. Get this plane
back, you know what your dad said. And Spike, the Commander
asked if you would get on a search pattern for a space ship
that has entered our air space, over.
SPIKE
Roger base, over and out.
Crow: Is that the name of the military post?
Mike: Well, remember that Roger Base is commanded by General Chaos?
SAM
So, can I come along flyboy?
SPIKE
Sure. But land this plane so I can show you how to really
fly.
SAM
Hmph.
EXT. FIGHTER
plane lands with a flourish as SAM buzzes the tower at Mach 4 and a snap roll
as she lands the plane on a dime in the same spot she took off from.
Tom (Sam): I can stop on a dime and give you nine cents change!
INT. FIGHTER
SPIKE
Geez...
ESTABLISHING SHOT - RUNWAY
They switch seats and SPIKE lifts off this time he blasts off at Mach 6 and
slams SAM back into the seat. SPIKE grins and does a barrel roll or two and
begins gaining altitude.
Mike: What would actually happen if there were actually _other planes_ flying
around over this supposed airfield?
Tom: Maybe they're saving the Valu-Jet for later?
Crow: I can only hope.
SPIKE
See anything?
Crow (Sam): Well, you know, if you'd keep the damn plane still we might actually
be able to look out the window and not see your lunch on the canopy!
SAM
Nope, not even a flitter.
SPIKE
Hmm.
SPIKE
banks to one side.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SPACESHIP CELL
MANDY is wearing a mechanics shirt (slightly greasy)
Mike: Tom, quit drooling?
Tom: Mike, even some lemons don't achieve this level of kinky.
Mike: Well, I guess you have a point.
MISU
So you were serious about that Hades bit then huh?
MAT
Ya don't get it do ya? I guess not since you're not from
around here. Ya see Mandy here or Asmandius is what we Earth
types might call a demon. Succubus I believe.
Mike: TOM!
Tom: I can't help it, Mike? she has wings, a greasy mechanic's shirt, and she
can suck a bus! This is starting to get interesting
Crow: Finally?
MANDY
Well gee, we have always had a bad reputation with you guys.
bites lower lip and pouts
MAT
True. So how come yer Dad sent you to college? And why in
hell.
(stops himself)
Why did he send a demon to Earth after there haven't been any
since oh say, 1400 AD or so?
Crow (Mandy): I beg to differ? He sent one in the late 1900's, disguised as
the Speaker of the House.
MANDY
I don't know.
[blinks wide eyed]
I guess maybe he thought that one of us needed to go to
school? And gosh ... No one's been up here cause it's been so
dull lately with all the wars ... I mean daddy sent me here
as a birthday present really
Tom: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!
Mike: Tom!
Crow (Marilyn Monroe): Happy birthday, Mr. President?
MISU
[cheering up]
Tom: Who wouldn't at this point?
Oh yeah, how old are ya?
MANDY (GRINS)
I just turned two hundred.
MISU
facefaults!
Mike (Misu): Damn, that hurts! Oh, yeah, not supposed to say the 'D' word
around this chick?
MAT
thunks MISU
Don't ask a lady her age.
Crow: Just ignore the fact that she's wearing a greasy mechanic's shirt and HAS
TWO WINGS!
MANDY
giggles
INT. SPACESHIP CELL
lights begin to flicker and ship rocks.
Mike (Capt. Stubing): Isaac, close the bar already!
Crow (typical college kid): Isaac, we'll cut you if you even think it!
MAT
Hey what's goin' on?
EXT. ALIEN SPACESHIP
Puma fighter trying desperately to blast away from the ship but held by a
steel
cable. Cable starts to reel in and the Puma's engine ports begin to glow
cherry
red.
Crow (Spike): I need more power! We need to lighten the load? Sam, jump out!
INT. FIGHTER
SPIKE
Dammit all. The engines are overheating.
Mike (Spike): Maybe you should go out there, Sam, and show 'em who's the boss.
Crow: Ha, ha, Mike, that was to laugh?
SAM
Might as well cut it out. They got you.
SPIKE
Got me? Yer in this too.
SAM
Yeah, but you were piloting.
[THUNKs SPIKE on the head]
SPIKE
Jeez, some girls.
Crow: Have many reasons to hate you, idiot-boy.
Mike: Have you noticed that she hasn't missed a chance to hit him yet?
Tom: I wouldn't blame her.
[throttles down engines.]
I wonder who would want to grab us like this?
SAM
Who knows.. Maybe yer dad is putting you on probation?
SPIKE
Funny.
Tom: Oh, yeah; heh heh
Crow: Okay. Heh heh
Mike: Guys, I'm warning you?
INT. SPACESHIP - BRIDGE
Mike (Capt. Kirk): Kirk to engineering? Scotty, why'd you beam them up?
Crow (Scotty): Cap'n? *hic*? It looked like they had some good *hic*
malt whiskey?
Mike (Capt. Kirk): Scotty! Ah, could you send me some?
darkened monitors and a low level red light, a chair dominates the room yet is
shrouded in darkness. A form seems to stir there.
Mike (Capt. Kirk): Bones, bring me that booze! Scotty's knocked out.
Tom: (Dr. McCoy): Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bartender.
DRAGON BASS
[speaks in a weirdly distorted voice that gives a deep throaty warble to it.]
Slave!
KAYNASA (SLAVE)
Yes master?
DRAGON BASS
What is the status of the prisoners?
Tom: Let's all hope he says "dead".
KAYNASA (SLAVE)
They have been taken to detention block D Master, the Fighter
has also been captured and the guards await your permission
to board the craft.
DRAGON BASS (THUNDERING VOICE)
Do with them as you will, but do not hurt the males!
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR BAY
several guards arrayed around the Puma toting nasty looking automatic weapons
and various bazooka looking guns. Yellow lights flash around and warning
klaxons sound in the distance. A huge door slides shut with the last bit of
light from Earth cut away with a huge CLANG.
Tom: Look, honey, there was a full Earth out tonight?
SPIKE
scratches his head.
SPIKE
This is weird. Why haven't they captured us or at least shot
at us or something?
Crow: You know, any sane person would have shot at that idiot?
SAM
Shut up, don't encourage them.
SPIKE
Sure babe [wham!]
SAM
And don't ...
SPIKE
I know, I know!
[rubs head and grimaces.]
Mike: You know, they're putting up McDonald's up all over the place.
SAM
Look, what the heck is going on over there?
SPIKE and SAM (POV)
several aliens have gathered with what looks like a portable L.A.W. and bring
it to bear on the Puma.
SPIKE
Uh oh.
Tom: They're bringing down the LAW on them! Ha, ha!
EXT. FIGHTER
the cannon fires and splatters the ship with a mess of thick sticky elastic
compound which with a creak begins to dry and hardens into a steel like mesh.
Mike: Hey! They found my grandma's old chicken noodle soup recipe!
SPIKE
Hey, the canopy won't raise!
SAM
No shit Sherlock, they sprayed us with tangler. You don't
happen to have a can of anti-tangler on you, do you?
Crow: So the secret to getting out of this problem is _hairspray_?
Tom: Hair stylists - of the Future!
SPIKE
What do I look like?
Mike (Sam): Well, you have a mess of bruises and a black eye? hey, that's how my last boyfriend looked!
SAM
[Looks over her shoulder]
Hmm ... An idiot maybe.
SPIKE
What I want to know is why the would use tangler on a whole
ship. Isn't that kinda dumb?
Crow: Ding ding ding!
Tom: Now that you've identified the fic, let's tell you what you won! First, I believe, are two tickets to the next Beatles concert, and Ameila Earhart's plane!
SAM
Kinda dumb, it's stupid! We can still fire our weapons can't
we?
Mike: So, unfortunately, suicide is out of the question for these two?
SPIKE
experimentally pivots the turret
Tom: Ooh, Spike's experimenting now.
Mike: Tom?
SPIKE
Yeah, no problem. And the Vulcan cannon shows that it's
clear.
SAM
Jeez, what idiots.
Tom: wrote this fic?
INT. SPACESHIP - CELL
MANDY
Well, maybe daddy will get us out?
MISU
Oh boy. That's great, have a demon tear up the hull and get
us sucked out and explode like little frogs?
Mike: You know, that really would be a good idea?
MAT
Little frogs?
Crow: You know, Frenchy, the kind that frog legs come from!
MISU
Heh. Er, figure of speech. No, knowing your pops rep. Mandy,
don't you think it would be a bad idea to let him know you've
been kidnapped?
MANDY
Yes, it would be a poor choice. What will your father do,
Misu?
Mike: Maybe kill him?
Tom: Check that. Hopefully kill him.
Mike: Oh, yeah.
MISU
<urk> I hadn't thought about that. He's likely to send the
whole fleet after me.
MAT
How comforting. Say TI, you got that door open yet?
TI
is patiently cutting open the door with a small torch. Lifts up welders
glasses.
TI
Yeah, be a few minutes. This thing was built out of a solid
titanium alloy. Geez.
Tom: How could you make a prison this strong. My gosh.
[goes back to welding.]
Mike: No wonder it's taking a long time. Instead of cutting, he's
welding the door to the wall.
Crow: Yep, you can definitely tell he's a college student!
INT. FIGHTER
SAM
What's taking so long for you to fire?
Tom: I'm waiting for you to get your fist out of the side
of my head.
SPIKE
Hold on to your pants babe.
SAM
hits SPIKE with her helmet
SAM
How many ...
Mike: At this rate, we might as well take a pool?
Tom: Okay, the bet is whether or not Spike will get killed
or actually stop calling Sam 'babe"
Crow: Put me down for "killed", please.
Mike: You're just a hopeless optimistic, aren't you?
SPIKE
I know, I know ... Just give me a second.
EXT. FIGHTER HANGAR BAY
SPIKE opens fire. The HANGAR BAY is filled with smoke and fire.
several explosions are heard as the hull explosively decompresses in the
hangar
and the hangar doors buckle and explode outward. Several more explosions are
heard as munitions go off and are just as quickly snuffed by the
decompression.
Tom: So what's really going on, anyway?
The lights remaining start flashing red and several blast doors drop in
strategic areas to seal the hull breach.
SAM
You idiot! You weren't supposed to blow up the ship trying
to get us out! Thank god this fighter is pressurized or we'd
be bloated frogs right now!
Crow: What's this obsession with frogs they have?
Tom: Maybe this fic should be thrown in the deepest swamp
we can find?
SPIKE
Well. You said ...
Crow (Sam): I don't care what I said. I'm changing my mind again.
SAM
I didn't say, "open fire indiscriminately" I said shoot the
guards!
SPIKE
Er. Well, I've got some pressure suits at least.
Tom: Exactly when did this turn into a 70's fic?
Mike: Maybe all the booze and drugs in the beginning?
SAM (SLAPS HER FOREHEAD)
Tom: Hey, she's beating on herself now!
Crow: It was only a matter of time?
All right, break 'em out. Let's see if we can't find the
others.
INT. SPACESHIP - BRIDGE
KAYNASA bows in front of DRAGON BASS
DRAGON BASS
Idiot! Can you not do anything right!?
Mike: I told you to curtsy!
I said to trap them out of the fighter!
KAYNASA (SLAVE)
I am sorry master, I fail...
Tom: No soup for you!
DRAGON BASS
Shut up. Now, spray the fighter and release them. This time
get them out of the fighter and capture them. And remember,
DON'T HURT THE MALES YOU IDIOT.
KAYNASA
[little tiny sniffle]
Yes master.
INT. SPACESHIP - CELL
TI is a few seconds away from cutting the door open. The door finally falls
outward with a CLANG! At which point several loud alarms go off and a blast
door drops down.
MISU
Damn our luck. It's probably a heat resistant ceramic, isn't
it Ti?
TI
sparks fly uselessly off the surface of the DOOR.
Mike: Oh, so now the door is a major character?
Crow: But the door's so two-dimensional.
Tom: So's the story, Crow.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
TI
Yep, even the paint is heat resistant. Damnation, I should've
known. Oh well at least ...
DOOR
begins to rise hesitantly.
Crow: It's alive! It's ALIVE!
Tom: Exactly how and why is this happening, anyway?
Mike: Maybe they're in Bill Gates' new house?
Tom: Floating above the earth?
Mike: If anyone has the money to make a house fly, it's Bill Gates.
SABURO
I believe, we are being called for.
[pulls out a small gun.]
MAT
Hey where'd the heck did you hide that?
Tom (Mat): You could have let me kill myself, so that
I can get out of this fic.
SABURO
Trade secret.
[grins to himself]
VINNY
Good, you shoot. Me crack whoever head come through door. Heh
heh.
Crow (Vinny): Duh, which way the door again?
Tom: Oh, so the door is unimportant now.
Mike: When you're done with your characters, remember to
dispose of them properly. Don't be a litterbug.
MAT
Yeah, and I'll splatter 'em on the wall...
SPIKE
from behind door
SPIKE
Hey, you guys are awfully vindictive, I don't suppose you
could give us a hand?
Crow: The first person who claps is going to get hurt
SAM (WHISPERS)
And these are your friends?
VINNY and MAT walk up to door and lift it up.
Crow (Vinny): Duh, where are we going George?
MANDY walks out first (still half nude but with
shirt on) past SPIKE (who whistles but gets caught mid-whistle when she walks
past and he catches the bat wings.
SPIKE
Gah!
Tom (Mindy): Oh, hi! My name's Mindy. Can I have your soul, please?
MISU (WALKS PAST SPIKE)
Said the same thing myself. Damnedest thing, but she wasn't
Crow: It was just the damnedest thing, almost rendered me catatonic?
kidding when she said she was from hell. Thought she meant a
bad housing district.
Mike: So, slumlords still roam the world in this futuristic time?
Crow: If demons walk, slumlords will follow!
SPIKE
You ain't kidding!
SAM
[Slaps SPIKE]
Quit looking you jerk!
Tom: Aww, I hope these two are always together? even at
Spike's court-martial and execution!
Mike: Maybe even side-by-side cemetery plots?
MAT
Yeah, I managed to look for you SPIKE. (heh heh)
Mike: I think we can skip the joke this time, guys.
VINNY
Yeah she cute.
Crow (Vinny): Duh, can I play with you, pretty lady?
Mike (Vinny): Will you duh, be my friend?
TI
Really, ya ought to see her NAKED, Spike!
SPIKE
Duh... duh... G... g... girl.. N..n..naked?
Crow: Wait, it didn't say Vinny above the last line, did it?
Mike: No, it didn't.
Crow: Yippee!
Tom: Why, Crow?
Crow: If they all go dumb, there's nothing to write about, right?
In that case, the fic ends!
Mike: Maybe the author has a dumb ray?
SABURO
Oh yes, it was like the loveliest rose petal unfolding before
our eyes. It was like the purest ...
Crow (Saburo): ?malt whiskey that you've ever drank
after five bottles of beer?
MISU
Knock it off Saburo...
MANDY
Oh, you guys.
[bats eyelashes.]
Tom: Get it, Mike? _Bats_ eyelashes?
Mike: Funny, Tom. Ha.
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR BAY
several guards look around HANGAR DECK and stare stupidly into cockpit as
though they expect SPIKE and SAM to instantaneously appear so they can capture
them. The squawk box comes to life.
DRAGON BASS
Idiots! Why have you not started searching for the prisoners!
KAYNASA (SLAVE)
I am sorry master, but we can not find them in the fighter.
Mike: So now these two losers are in the hangar?
Crow: No, I believe that the big guy's still sitting on his ass in
the comfy chair in the middle of the ship.
Tom (Kaynasa): Help, help, I'm being repressed!
DRAGON BASS
Idiot! They escaped! Search the ship and find them!
KAYNASA
Yes master.
INT. SPACESHIP - CORRIDOR
two sentries stand in front of the airlock to the hangar deck
SPIKE
Hey, anyone know where Saburo went?
[suddenly both guards slump to the ground with a huge and stupid grin on their
faces]
Crow: Okay, who gave them the Playboy subscription?
SABURO (WAVES)
Hi guys.
Mike, Crow, Tom: Hi, Saburo
Crow: Nice that he finally notices us? we've only been sitting through this
fic for the last three hours.
SPIKE
Hey! Where were you?
Crow: You know, it's the most basic of principles. You hear his voice, and
_follow_ it to the person who spoke.
SABURO
Oh, I was trying out a new gadget. It knocks people out by
making them *very* happy.
Crow: You know, at this point, I'd be quite happy if I was just
knocked out.
MISU
Hey, try it on me!
MAT
Not now you nitwit. We've got to get off this spaceship
before any of your trigger-happy parents get wind of this
whole stupid operation.
MANDY
Hmm. I hope father is not checking on me.
MISU
What'cha mean Mandy?
MANDY
Well, usually he calls at this time. I think he will get a
little mad when I don't answer.
MISU (GULPS)
Uh, I hope not.
MAT
Come on you two!
Crow (Mat): You can do that later! As long as you get a motel room?
[walks to the door and twists the airlock handle. It slides open and everyone
rushes in headlong into KAYNASA.]
KAYNASA
Are you the prisoners?
Mike (Vinny): Duh, no, we're the prisoners.
Crow (Mat): Shut up, Vinny. Ah, we're travelling insurance salesmen.
Tom (Kaynasa): Insurance salesmen? Guards, take them to the airlock
push them out!
MAT
Nope, they went the other way.
KAYNASA
Crow (Kaynasa): Duh, which way did he go, George, which way did he go?
Tom (Vinny): Duh, hey, that's my line!
a small alien tugs on KAYNASA's shirt. ALIEN whispers something and KAYNASA
looks at them.
Mike (Kaynasa): Hey, Mandy, are you free tonight? I heard you were hot?
KAYNASA (SNORTS)
Crow: Hey, do you think you could spare a hit?
You look like the prisoners. Are you sure?
SABURO (PIPES UP)
Positive. I'm tellin' ya. They went that way
[points down corridor]
SPIKE
Yeah, they went that way just a couple of seconds ago.
Tom: Just remember to take that left turn at Albequerque, you idiot!
KAYNASA
Thank you. You have helped a lot.
KAYNASA and GUARDS run down the corridor hoping he will run into them
Crow: Hey, whoa, wait. Not only was the slave a total idiot, so are the
people accompanying him? That many guards missed the fact that
there are a grand total of at least seven prisoners on the loose, and they're all
standing in front of them?
SAM
Spike... I thought you were stupid but I take that back now.
Mike: Compared to the guards, Spike should be in Mensa.
Crow: Compared to the guards, Vinny should be in Mensa.
SPIKE
Thanks honey ...
[whap, thud, boom]
Mike: All I know is that Sam is smarter than she looks?
Crow: Why, Mike?
Mike: Because of continually hitting Spike
SAM
Don't call me that either you idiot or I'll take back what I
said.
MISU
Touching, isn't it?
MANDY (GIGGLES)
It's romantic.
MAT
Come on love birds.
takes guards weapon grabs the other and tosses it to VINNY
VINNY
What I do with this?
Tom: Shoot yourself with it.
Crow: Better yet, shoot me.
MAT
Hit people with it.
VINNY
[nods in stupid agreement brandishes automatic weapon like a club and hits it
up against the bulkhead a few times thus smashing it in the process.]
Hmph. No good.
[rips pipe from ceiling]
Much better.
Mike: Remind me, folks, this guy is in _college_, right?
Crow: That's what it said earlier.
Mike: And he wasn't in the day-care center?
MAT (SIGHS)
(sigh) All right, Sab' you got anything up yer sleeves?
SABURO
Of course.
MAT
Howabout you Ti?
Crow: Howabout we just get on with it?
TI
(holding UZI like weapon.)
You were saying?
MAT
How much CAN you hold in that pouch anyway?
TI
Don't ask.
MAT
I won't. All right, let's go.
SPIKE
But how are we gonna get off this ship?
MAT
I told ya I was a dockworker didn't I? I meant a Space
dockworker. What did you think, I do ground hog ships? Come
Tom: Groundhogs now sail the seven seas?
Mike: Gives a whole new meaning to poop deck.
on.
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR BAY
the guys follow the hangar deck in where MAT walks over to a small bay that
looks sort of greasy and just a little useless
SAM
You expect to throw us out the airlock and coast safely back
down in this thing?
MAT
[eyes her]
No toots. Thought I'd use this.
[presses little green button and door slides upward with a whoosh. Some dust
and old candy wrappers fly out]
Mike: Hey, it's my old 1978 Volvo! When'd they get automatic doors for that?
SAM
[looks up at Mat's 7 foot 5 inch bulk, and decides she'll let the 'toots'
slide]
Crow: Well, that explains why Mat is in college? still unknown about
Vinny, though.
What, this junk heap?
MAT
Sure, space regs. say you gotta keep 'em space worthy so that
in the event of an emergency the ship has a backup means of
escape.
MISU
What is it?
Tom: It's a refrigerator with fins attached.
Crow: It's a really bad fic.
MAT
It's an old repair module. But it doubles as an extra
lifeboat.
SPIKE
<hmph> What a wreck. My ejection seat looks safer.
MAT
Probably is flyboy. Well, come on everybody hop in. Say Sam,
why don't you fly the fighter as a decoy?
SAM
Me? A decoy?
Crow (Mat): If it makes it any easier, we can paint a target on your butt.
MAT
Yep, you. I think you can handle it without being shot down
can't you? Or can't the little girl handle herself all alone?
SAM (HUFFILY)
I'll fly the damned fighter but I don't want to leave Spike
alone. He might get stupid ideas.
Mike (Sam): No one hits Spike but me, got it?
MAT
Fine with me. He wouldn't fit in here anyway.
SPIKE
Me?! You got to be kidding. What gave you that idea?
Crow (Mat): As a matter of fact, it was Vinny, so there.
SAM
Shut up and get moving.
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR BAY CORRIDOR
guards run down the corridors looking for the elusive prisoners
DRAGON BASS
Imbecile! They are in the hanger bay. Who let them by?
Tom: That's why the ship's crew is so idiotic. They're taking orders
from a stereo speaker.
KAYNASA
I am sorry master. They told us ...
DRAGON BASS
They? Who told you what?
KAYNASA
The nice people who told me the prisoners were going down the
hall.
DRAGON BASS
IDIOT! Those were the prisoners!
KAYNASA (UNCERTAINLY)
Are you sure Master? They said ...
DRAGON BASS
Shut up and find them! They must be heading towards the
hangar deck, fool! Go!
KAYNASA (SNIFFLES)
Mike: He should really have that checked on.
Yes, master.
EXT. SPACESHIP
a large explosion billows away and a fighter streaks out followed by a
chugging
old space rig
SAM (RADIO)
Crow: From the same people who brought you sortwave, it's sam radio
All right Mat. I don't see any pursuit, can I start blowing
up the ship?
MAT (LAUGHS)
You couldn't even scratch the armor. That's a duralloy
titanium steel with about three feet of plasticoncrete
between the actual armor and the hull. You wouldn't even
Tom: Sounds like a new set of golf clubs?
burn the paint. Now buzz the bridge and see if you can't get
their attention while I try to insert our orbit and get on
the far side while you are busy. This thing has to make a
spiral descent so it'll take about thirty minutes or so. Got
it?
SAM
Got it.
[starts muttering]
Chauvinist pig, I'll show him..
EXT. SPACESHIP CONNING TOWER
FIGHTER buzzes the CONNING TOWER SPACESHIP begins to shift it's bulk and
brings it's cannons to bear on the small target
Mike (Dragon Bass): Hit that fly, dammit!
INT. SPACESHIP BRIDGE (CONNING TOWER)
KAYNASA looks down at the FIGHTER with a stupid grin
KAYNASA (IN A BULL VOICE)
Fire!
Crow: Wouldn't it sound more like *snort* or *moo*?
EXT. SPACESHIP LONG ANGLE
cannons that were meant to fire at ships several hundred thousand miles away
the size of at least a carrier miss incredibly wide of the tiny FIGHTER that
darts in between the cannons
Tom: First the door, now the fighter, who's the next character?
Mike: Vinny's navel lint. He needs a friend to talk to, and navel lint doesn't
talk back.
SAM
Geez. What a stupid commander. They couldn't hit us unless
they had an accident and blew up their ship.
SPIKE (PALES)
Yeah sure bab ... I mean yeah, but could you take it easier.
cuts himself off as she pulls a high G turn.
SAM (GRINS)
What'sa matter Spike? I thought you liked to fly.
SPIKE
I do! But normally when I fly I usually like to think I'll
live afterwards.
SAM
Jeez, have some guts. They couldn't hit the broad side of a
barn.
SPIKE
A what?
SAM
Oh that's right. You're a city slicker.
Crow: This boy doesn't know what a farm is?
Tom: Spike, here's a clue - a farm is where your last
girlfriend came from, probably your mother too.
Mike: There's nothing wrong with coming from the country.
Tom: Even if your mother wallows in pig pens?
SPIKE
And you're not?
SAM
Nope, I grew up in a farm in Islington.
SPIKE
Where's that?
SAM
[pulls ship in another tight turn]
Forget it. I think they're getting wise.
Mike: Compared to whom?
Crow: Emasculated jellyfish?
Tom: Vinny?
INT. SPACERIG
MANDY sits in MISU's lap; MAT and VINNY squeeze in the back and TI pilots the
SPACERIG
TI
Say, Mat?
MAT
Yeah 'ol pal?
Crow (Ti): What bar do you want to go to tomorrow night?
TI
What's this flashing light for?
MAT
Hmm.
[looks at console]
Mike (Mat): Oh, it's purty!
We're out'ta gas guys.
ALL
What!?
MAT
Yep. Looks like the navy hasn't inspected this boat in
awhile. Well, maybe we got some reserves.
looks at board--stretches to fit better--punches a few keys
Tom (Mat): Hey, I just found solitare!
Damn. The reserves were last filled ten years ago. What
idiot would forget to even fill the reserves? Say Ti ...
TI
Sorry Mat, I haven't got that much space...
INT. SPACESHIP - BRIDGE
DRAGON BASS
Listen slave, I will make it simple for you. Go, take a
fighter and catch the prisoners. But do not blow them up? Do
you understand?
KAYNASA (BIG SNIFFLE)
Tom: I think his cold is getting worse?
Crow: Exactly when is cold and flu season in outer space?
Yes Master. I understand.
EXT. SPACESHIP HANGAR BAY
LARGE FIGHTER blasts off from the SPACESHIP and blasts towards Earth
INT. SPACERIG
MAT is huddled over the console begins pressing a few buttons and straightens
up
Mike (Mat): Damn AOL! It's always busy!
MAT
Ok, I set the transponder on a distress frequency. The Navy
should pick us up in--
[looks at watch]
Mike (Mat): five hours.
--two or so minutes.
TI
Or anybody else who gets the distress call.
MAT
Anything is better than those idiots!
TI
You've got a point. Well, worst could happen is some old
geezer finds us. Nobody listens to those things.
Tom: Getting picked up by geezers would certainly be worse than
getting picked up by the spaceship of fools again, now isn't it?
INT. LARGE FIGHTER
KAYNASA looks out of the cockpit at the planet EARTH
KAYNASA (SOBS)
I will get them for the Master!
Crow: You know, Mike, I think Kaynasa graduated from the Keanu
Reeves School for Overacting.
INT. SPACERIG PORTAL VIEW
a large ship looms into view
MAT
Great, it's the Navy. I wonder which ship that is.
Crow (Mat): Dammit, it's the U.S.S. Maine!
Tom (Ti): What about that ship over there?
Crow (Mat): It says? "U.S.S. Arizona"
EXT. SPACERIG WIDE ANGLE
the SPACERIG is dwarfed by the approaching ship
Mike: Let me guess? it says NCC-1701D on the fuselage.
Crow: Mike, look at it this way? that would be better than this.
--the word NIMITZ streams by in letters larger than the SPACERIG
INT. SPACERIG
RADIO
Lifeboat transponder TWO THREE--X-RAY ONE-SEVEN-ALPHA this is
the Terran Naval Warship Nimitz, over.
MAT
Nimitz this is Lifeboat, over. We could use an assist.
Crow (Mat): I'm one shy of my double-double
Primary and reserve fuel is out and pressure is dropping
rapidly, over.
Mike (Mat): And it looks like a sunny day tomorrow, with a high of
three degrees Kelvin, and a solar wind out of the west.
MISU
Pressure dropping! You never ...
MAT
Shhh!
NIMITZ
Lifeboat Alpha this is Nimitz, we are preparing to bring you
aboard. Stand by, over.
EXT. SPACERIG - CLOSEUP
a small drone detaches from the NIMITZ with a trailing cable behind it. it
attaches to the hull of the SPACERIG with a thunk. The SPACERIG is slowly
hauled aboard
Crow: Cap'n! We caught a big'un!
INT. NIMITZ WARDROOM
everyone is seated around the table and the CAPTAIN of the NIMITZ heads the
table. He leans back and lay his cap on the table
CAPTAIN
This is a serious charge you know. Kidnapping is nothing to
laugh about.
ALL (SANS VINNY and MAT)
Yes sir.
MAT
Sir, I would like to know if you have been able to track the
ship.
Tom: Did you get the license plate number of that truck?
CAPTAIN
No, we have not, although we have her serial number from the
Space Rig you escaped with. It should be an easy matter to
track her down.
MAT
Thank you, Sir.
CAPTAIN
[eyes MAT]
Tom (Captain): Hey, sailor, is there anything I can _do_ for you?
Hmm, you seem military. Have you ever been in the service
before?
MAT
Uh, yes sir. I was in the Infantry.
CAPTAIN
Hmm. You don't look the type they'd accept for just ground
hog duty but I've heard of stranger.
MAT
Yes sir.
MISU
Captain, did my Father find out about this?
CAPTAIN (GRIMACES)
Thank god, no. Listen kid, when you get crowned or elected
over there, try to cut down on the wars, would ya? It's a
real headache.
Mike: And the battle-hardened and scarred captain speaks on the total devastation caused by war.
Crow: Maybe the captain would like an Excedrin for the next war.
MISU (ABASHED)
Tom: Misu's getting beat up again?
Crow: I'd hate to provide on-the-set insurance for this group?
Mike: I wonder how many stuntmen went to the hospital with 'hit with blunt objects' written on the admissions form?
Yes sir.
CAPTAIN
We'll see what we can do, I'll have all of you dropped off
wherever you are headed in a flitter. Good luck.
Tom: Is the Captain saying that he'll get them there quick, or is the vehicle actually named a 'flitter'?
Mike (Captain): It's our newest technology, patterned after the migratory flight of the monarch butterfly?
[everyone gets up and starts heading out of the door]
CAPTAIN
Spike, I'd like to speak with you.
Tom (Captain): Can you give a message to that tall guy for me? Tell him, ah, my door's open all the time for him.
SPIKE
Yes sir. Go on ahead you guys, I'll be there in a minute.
CAPTAIN
Jonathan...
SPIKE
I like Spike.
Crow (singing): I wanna be like Spike
Tom (singing): Ooh, yeah!
Crow (singing): I wanna be like Spike!
CAPTAIN
All right, Spike. You know your father is not happy about
you disobeying him. You know what you did, I think you
should consider yourself lucky in the fact that your father
is the only one who knew you had been kidnapped. As a
Mike (Captain): And just you wait until your mother finds out, too!
matter
of fact he was about to mobilize the Navy in a rescue
mission. You're lucky because he's forgotten about the
fighter incident, and he'll be glad to see you--but I
haven't, so don't think you got off the hook.
SPIKE (DEFEATED)
Yes sir.
CAPTAIN
Good, now head back and try not to get into too much trouble,
ok?
SPIKE (MOROSELY)
Yes sir.
CAPTAIN
And Spike?
SPIKE
Yes sir?
Tom (Captain): Don't forget the message.
CAPTAIN
Cheer up, it isn't the end of the world.
Mike (Spike): Have you checked tomorrow's weather reports, idiot?
There was a 70 percent chance of world ending with partly
cloudy skies.
Tom (Captain): You know those weather forecasters are only right 99.9 percent
of the time. It won't happen.
DISSOLVE TO:
Mike: Hopefully a nice tall glass of water next to two sleeping pills.
Tom: You know, that would definitely help for the next one of these?
ACT III
Well, this is all I have been provided with to date... maybe Max will send the rest of the stuff as
he finishes writing it.
MSTing written by: Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison
C&C welcome on the MST, and assumed also welcome on the story.