Some revisions...I added in a few scenes, and extended some. This fic
now has some Genuine Lemon Content, so be warned.
Disclaimer: Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2. Shogakukan, Kitty,
and VIZ own it. Nobody shoot...
WARNING: This fic has a Unique Lymon Scent (TM).
Ranma 1/2
They Call Him Mr. Happy, Part 1: "I'll Hump, And I'll Pump, and I'll
Blow..."
~~o *** o~~
"GET OFFA ME!!"
It was turning out to be a typical day in the life of Saotome Ranma.
Ranma really, really *hated* his life.
Oh sure, there were the high points, the occasional pleasures,
but...
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! Raaaaaanmaaaa-saaaamaaaaa!"
...that wasn't one of them.
"GYAAAAA!" Ranma yelled, as the insane gymnast known as Kunou
Kodachi, the Black Rose, leaped over the outer wall surrounding the
Tendou compound, spraying black rose petals in all directions. He
leaped up to the roof, struggling for the extra height because a
certain Amazon named for a bathroom product was currently attached to
his backside like goldfish shit.
"Ranma no play game of hide go seek with crazy petunia girl! Ranma
take Shampoo to date now!" Shampoo cooed.
"No way. No way in hell," Ranma said, trying to dislodge the
purple-haired menace.
"Here, let me help you find the elevator to the bottom floor," a
voice with a Kansai accent twanged, as a massive spatula neatly
separated Shampoo from Ranma. The Amazon bounced lightly off the edge
of the roof before she fell, and landed in between the recently
arrived okonomiyaki chef, Kuonji Ukyou, and Ranma, who was making a
vain attempt to disappear.
"Spatula girl no interrupt Ranma date with Shampoo!" Shampoo said,
glaring daggers at Ukyou.
"Sorry sugar, this is my time with Ranchan," Ukyou said,
glaring...uhh, spatulas...at the Amazon.
"HARRIDENS! Back away from my precious Ranma-sama!" Kodachi said,
lashing out with her ribbon...
...which left a nick in the head of a wooden mallet that suddenly
found itself crushing Ranma's head. "HENTAI!" the tomboyish mallet
weilder, Tendou Akane, said. "Here I've been looking all over for you
to offer you the sushi I've been busy making just for you, and you're
up here on the roof flirting with your harem! Why do I even bother?"
"That good question," Shampoo said. "You no bother Ranma, Akane.
Leave for Shampoo, then all be happy."
"Are you crazy?" Ukyou said, whapping the Amazon with her spatula.
"If anybody's gonna make time with Ranchan, it's gonna be me."
"Never, common okonomiyaki slinger!" Kodachi said. "The only one
worthy of most precious Ranma-sama is I, Kodachi, the Black Rose!
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!"
Now, Ranma was never really known for breaking up the arguments
between his prospective suitors, as it usually got him more bruises
than solutions. However, something in what passed for his mind
snapped at that particular moment. Ranma began glowing blue.
"Will...you...all...CAN IT!!!!!" he roared.
The four bickering fiancees froze in their tracks, and stared at
Ranma, who was slowly standing up, his bangs covering his eyes. "I've
had more than enough of the four of you fightin' all the time over
who gets me. I ain't some prize to be won, y'know. *If* I choose who
I'm gonna wanna be with, it'll be when I'm damned good n' ready. And
the only way anybody's gonna force me into anything is if they're
havin' my baby, and know what? That. Ain't. Happenin'. Got it?"
With that, Ranma leapt off the roof, and ran away.
The four girls stood around in a circle, blinking stupidly at one
another. Eventually, without a word, they all left the roof, heading
for their various dwellings.
~~o *** o~~
"And he said *what*, child?"
"Ranma say only way force him marry is have his baby. But Ranma
never make baby with...he always resist Shampoo! No matter how hard
Shampoo try..."
Sitting at a secluded table at the Nekohanten, Shampoo and Cologne
discussed their current dilemma over a bowl of ramen. "Hmmm..."
Cologne said, rubbing her chin. "Have his baby, eh...?" She hopped
onto her staff, and pogoed to the kitchen area, rummaging through her
special shelf of Amazon herbs and spices.
"Aiyah...great-grandmother...what you doing? You know passion spice
never work on Ranma before. It always fail."
Cologne shook her head absently. "It's not that, Shampoo. Something
better...ahh, here it is." She retrieved a small vial from the
cabinet, and pogoed back over to the table.
"What that?" Shampoo asked, examining the vial.
"This," Cologne said, "is the key to our victory. With this, you
will be able to win Ranma once and for all..."
"Aiyah! Is powerful love potion, yes?" Shampoo asked excitedly.
Cologne shook her head. "Not exactly. Now, here's what you must
do..."
~~o *** o~~
Kodachi paced about the Kunou mansion, brow furrowed, ribbon
twirling, Sasuke trying to wax her legs as she walked. "Baby...how to
make Ranma-sama give me a baby...every time I try to get romantic
with him--"
"He runs away screaming, mistress?" Sasuke supplied helpfully.
Kodachi bapped him with a club. "...No. Someone always interferes.
And he's certain to be on his guard now more than ever...hmmm...Aha!"
Kodachi shouted triumphantly. "I've got it! Sasuke!"
"Yes, mistress?" the diminutive ninja asked, bowing.
"You missed a spot."
Sasuke facefaulted. "Hai, mistress," he said.
~~o *** o~~
"This too perfect idea," Shampoo mused quietly to herself as she
snuck into Ranma's bedroom that night. As she expected, Ranma's
panda-esque father was snoring loud enough to revive Elvis, and Ranma
himself lay upon his futon, with the sheets thrown aside, absently
scratching himself in his sleep. "Now, Shampoo make sure Ranma stay
sleep..." She removed the vial Cologne had given her from her pocket,
and shook some of it on Ranma's nose. The sleeping martial artist
sneezed, but otherwise remained asleep. "Good, it work," she said,
nodding her head in satisfaction. "Now Shampoo get down to
business..." The Amazon removed the silk pants she wore, as well as
her soft satin panties. "Not how Shampoo envision first time with
airen, but take what she can get." She reached down, and gently
removed Ranma's boxer shorts. "Aiyah," she whispered into the night,
blushing. "Airen is very much man!" Stroking his manhood with her
hand until it stiffened, then lowered herself onto him. After a
minute or so, Ranma began moaning in his sleep...
~~o *** o~~
Somewhere in the land of dreams, Ranma moaned. Lips, soft as satin,
brushed his erect member with the gentleness of falling sakura. He
felt the pressure building within himself. Agonizing moments later,
the pressure released in a powerful rush. The touch of the lips went
away, and Ranma looked down, trying to catch a glimpse of the person
who had pleasured him. But her face was no more than a silhouette,
and faded into the mists between dreams...
~~o *** o~~
Kodachi tied the bondage gag securely in her mouth before leaping
through Ranma's window. She landed badly on the panda, and fell off
with a muffled "oof!" The panda rolled over, broke wind, and
continued snoring. Making sure her gag was securely in place, to
prevent herself from waking up the entire neighborhood with the
passionate cries she was sure she'd be emitting, Kodachi placed a
chloroform-soaked rag over Ranma's nose and mouth. After removing the
rag, she carefully peeled off his boxer shorts, and straddled him...
~~o *** o~~
The dream avatar of Ranma screamed as he struggled against his
bonds, watching the beaker of acid move ever so slowly closer to his
unfortunate manhood. The first drop of acid sizzled against the
sensitive flesh, and it was all he could do to keep from passing out.
As his member became submerged in the vile solution, it shriveled,
burning pain shooting into his body. Cancerous growths formed on his
acid-scarred penis, taking on the shape of thorns...
~~o *** o~~
It was around two in the morning when a figure clad in dark ninja
garb slipped silently through the window into Ranma's bedroom, nimbly
avoiding the sleeping panda. "I hope he doesn't wake up," Ukyou's
voice whispered into the night, as she leaned over Ranma. She removed
her mask and took a good, long look at him. "I can't believe I'm
doing this," she said, as she slowly tugged his boxer shorts off. She
blushed as his member popped into view...for some reason, it was
quite stiff. Had he been having a dream, she wondered? And if he had,
who had it been about?
Shaking her head, Ukyou decided to get down to business before she
was discovered. Removing a paper cup from a pouch on her belt, she
pulled on a latex glove, and gently grasped Ranma's manhood, lightly
squeezing and stroking it. It twitched and throbbed in her grasp, and
she felt herself becoming hot as she enticed Ranma to give up what
she so fervently sought...
~~o *** o~~
For some reason, after the horrible nightmare with the acid, Ranma
found himself floating in something thick and dark that smelled
incredible. He was relieved to discover that he was a whole man once
again, and wrapped in a nice latex packet of protection, to boot.
Double-wrapped, in fact, as there was something else down there...
...an okonomiyaki?
For some unfathomable reason, there was a half-cooked okonomiyaki
wrapped around Ranma's member. It was pulsing slightly, squeezing him
and sliding back and forth along his shaft. Very...stimulating...
As Ranma erupted, he suddenly realized what he was floating in, and
was thankful for the condom...he didn't particularly want his seed
tainting the sea of okonomiyaki sauce...
~~o *** o~~
The door to Ranma's bedroom slid open at three-thirty, and a
short-haired silhouette gently padded in, closing the door. The dim
starlight from the window briefly revealed the visage of Tendou Akane
as she knelt over Ranma's prone form. "Good thing it takes a bucket
of cold water just to get him half awake," Akane muttered, as she
took out a small jar. Blushing furiously, she began tugging on
Ranma's boxers. She stared at his semi-stiff member for a long time.
Certainly, she'd seen the organ before, albeit briefly, but never in
a situation when she wanted to see it, and it definitely made a
difference. Hesitantly, she reached out and touched it.
It twitched, startling her. She jumped back. Recovering, she
scowled. "Baka," she said. "Scaring me like that." Leaning forward
again, she placed her hand upon Ranma's manhood again. This time, it
didn't move. She slowly wrapped her hand around it, and...
...tried to figure out what to do next. How *does* one go about
this, she wondered.
She tried tugging on it. Nothing happened, so she tried again.
"Well, that doesn't work. Maybe it's like one of those old water
pumps...?"
That didn't work either. Akane frowned. She needed to hurry this
along and get out of here before someone woke up.
~~o *** o~~
Ranma was very confused as a hand appeared and began treating his
penis like a tap faucet or a soda fountain. "What in the...?" he
thought.
As strange as the treatment was, though, after everything else he'd
been through in the course of the night's dreams, it was more than
enough to get his pump, so to speak, into action...
~~o *** o~~
As Akane tried tugging on Ranma's shaft some more, it suddenly began
twitching and shuddering. "Progress," she said, grinning.
Her grin faded when a blast of cum struck her in the face.
Grimacing, she wiped it off with her hand, and from there she managed
to get much of it into the jar, where she noted with relief that
she'd managed to collect the rest of it.
~~o THE NEXT DAY o~~
"Kasumi?" Akane said, walking into the kitchen as her sister cooked.
She seemed nervous about something.
Kasumi didn't pause in her task as she replied, "Yes, Akane? What is
it?"
"I was wondering...could..." Akane began.
"Yes?"
"Could I...could I borrow your turkey baster?"
Kasumi blinked. "Ara? What do you need to borrow that for,
Akane-chan?"
Akane blushed. "It's...it's something...nevermind," she said.
Kasumi sighed. *I knew this was bound to happen someday...* "Very
well, Akane." Kasumi produced an ordinary turkey baster and handed it
to Akane. She whispered, "Just be careful with that, alright?"
Akane blinked. "Uhh, yeah, Kasumi. Whatever you say, bye!" She
darted out of the kitchen.
"How odd," Kasumi said.
~~o SIX WEEKS LATER o~~
Ranma yawned, scratching himself, as he walked down the stairs.
"Mornin' Kasumi," he called to the eldest Tendou sister as she set
the table for breakfast. "Where is everyone?"
Kasumi frowned. "Akane's in the bathroom. She hasn't been feeling--"
"BLLLEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"
"--very well lately," she finished. Ranma blinked.
"Oh...kay..." he said, sitting down at the table.
The bathroom door slid open, and soon Akane emerged. Her eyes were
bloodshot, and she was pale and somewhat pasty-looking. "Whoa, Akane,
you alright? You look like hell," Ranma said.
"I'm *fine*, Ranma," Akane snapped. "Just kinda queasy this
morning."
"What, didja actually eat some of your own cooking?" Ranma quipped.
Akane glared at him, and began to pull out her mallet. Ranma tensed,
waiting for it.
It never came. Akane looked at her hand, and shook her head.
"Akane? Are you alright?" Kasumi asked.
"I...I don't know," Akane said.
Kasumi placed a glass of orange juice in front of her. "Here, drink
this," she said soothingly.
Akane stared at the glass. After a moment, her eyes widened.
"Uhhh...no thanks, Kasumi. Listen, I'm gonna head on down to
Tofu-sensei's clinic, alright? I'll be back in a bit."
"Akane, you sure you wanna go alone? I can--"
"NO, Ranma," Akane said, a bit more forcefully than neccessary. Her
expression softened. "I'll be fine, don't worry. I'll be back later."
With that, she slipped on her shoes and left.
Ranma stared after her for a long moment. "I hope she's okay. I
wouldn't want her to get sick or nothin'," Ranma said.
"She was just fine last night," Kasumi mused. "I hope there isn't
something going around."
~~o *** o~~
"Ukyou-sama? Ukyou-sama, are you alright?"
"I'm....*bllrrrggghh* fine, Konatsu...just...*rrrrlllllfff*
fine...*bllllrrrrrff*"
Konatsu winced as the sounds of purging continued from Ukyou's
bathroom. "Umm...maybe I'd better call Tofu-sensei, Ukyou-sama. You
don't sound well at all."
The bathroom door opened, and Ukyou popped her head out.
"Maybe...maybe ya better do just that, Konatsu. Oh, and put out the
"Temporarily Closed to Business" sign, wouldja?"
The kunoichi bowed. "Hai, Ukyou-sama," he said.
~~o *** o~~
"Go away, stupid Mou*bllllrrrrrgggghhhh*!"
Mousse blinked at the bathroom door. "This is the second morning in
a row she's done that," he mused.
Cologne bounced up to the door. "Is Shampoo in there again?" she
asked. Mousse nodded. "Still throwing up too, I hear," Cologne sighed
as the further sounds of retching emitted from the restroom. "Mousse,
go downstairs and wipe down all the tables, please. I need to check
on my granddaughter."
"Hai," Mousse said wearily as he went to do just that. Cologne
waited for him to vanish, then opened the door.
"Great-grandmother...Shampoo no feel so good," Shampoo said, her
voice muffled by the porcelain around her head.
"Come here, child," Cologne said, gesturing for Shampoo to lie down
on the bathroom floor. Shampoo did so, and Cologne began poking and
prodding the girl's belly.
"Well, great-grandmother?" Shampoo asked.
After a moment, Cologne chuckled. "We did it."
"Aiyah! You mean--?"
"Yes, Shampoo," Cologne said, grinning. "You're--"
~~o *** o~~
"--pregnant," Tofu-sensei said, blinking rapidly.
Akane looked up at him, worry evident on her face. "Are...are you
sure, sensei?" she asked.
Tofu nodded mutely. "From what I can tell...you're quite pregnant,
Akane," he said. "Have you been...you know..."
Akane sighed. "Sorta," she said.
Tofu frowned. "Akane, you're not telling me something--" The phone
chose that moment to ring. "Hold that thought," the doctor said, as
he went over to his desk. "Moshi-moshi," he said.
~~o *** o~~
"Tofu-sensei...this is Konatsu over at Ucchan's. Listen, can you
take a look at Ukyou-sama this morning? She's really sick. That's
right. She's been vomiting all morning and...yes? Yes, I'll hold for
a minute. ...alright. Alright, we'll be right over. Thank you."
~~o *** o~~
"It seems I might have been mistaken," Tofu said.
"Huh?" Akane asked, some color returning to her cheeks.
Tofu frowned. "Well, that was Konatsu over at Ukyou's restaurant. He
said Ukyou's been throwing up all morning long."
Akane blinked. "Really?" *Maybe it was just a coincidence then,"
Akane thought to herself.
Tofu nodded. "I told Konatsu to bring her down here, so I can take a
look at her." He chuckled. "I somehow doubt both of you would be
pregnant at the same time, ne?"
Akane giggled nervously. "Hai, that's pretty silly," she said.
~~o *** o~~
"WHAT!?" bellowed a voice from the confines of the Kunou manor.
"You heard what I said," the Kunou family doctor repeated himself
calmly before the raving young samurai before him. "Your sister is in
the early stages of pregnancy."
"I'm...going to have a baby? OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!" Kodachi laughed
maniacally. However, her laughter soon broke into a choking fit, and
Kunou and the doctor had to dodge quickly as a stream of vomit
splattered across the room. "Oh, dear," Kodachi said.
"Sasuke...bring the mop and bucket," Kunou said. The small ninja
sighed, and moved off to clean the mess.
"Who, sister? Tell me who did this vile deed to you," Kunou said.
"Why, it was my darling Ranma-sama, of course," Kodachi said,
rubbing her stomach and gazing dreamily off into space.
"Curse that...filthy, vile DOG!" Kunou roared. "I swear,
Saotome...you have gone much, much too far this time! By all that is
decent and holy, I SWEAR I SHALL SMITE THEE FOR THIS OUTRAGE!!"
"Brother dear?" Kodachi asked sweetly.
"Yes? What is it, my poor, violated sister?" Kunou asked.
"Shut up."
~~o *** o~~
"I don't understand this," Tofu said.
"What's wrong, sensei?" Ukyou asked.
Tofu looked at both Akane and Ukyou, who were in similar conditions.
He shook his head. "As far as I can tell, both of you are
pregnant..." He looked to each girl, noticing the shock on their
faces. "Is there something you girls want to say about this?"
Akane and Ukyou both blushed, and looked at each other nervously.
"Well..." Akane said.
"See..." Ukyou said.
Tofu frowned. "Can I ask you girls something?"
"Sure," both girls said.
"Who are the fathers?"
Ukyou and Akane looked at each other, and at the doctor, nervously,
before both replied simultaneously, "Ranma." At that, they both
looked at each other in shock and incredulity.
"You mean you, and Ranma...?" both said.
Tofu shook his head, and sighed. "Alright, you girls have some
explaining to do..."
~~o *** o~~
"Man, I hope Akane's not too sick," Ranma said as he walked down the
street. As he approached the clinic, he noticed a familiar figure
walking from the opposite direction, and waved. "Heya Konatsu, how's
it goin?"
Konatsu shook his head and sighed. "Not well, I'm afraid. Ukyou-sama
is ill."
"Really?" Ranma asked, eyes wide. "That's funny. Akane's been pukin'
her guts up this morning."
Konatsu nodded. "I know. I saw her in there when I brought
Ukyou-sama over."
Ranma frowned. "You suppose it's somethin' goin' around?"
"I hope not," Konatsu said, as he opened the door of the clinic. The
two of them stepped inside...
~~o *** o~~
"I can't believe you did that," Akane said as Ukyou finished her
tale.
Ukyou sighed. "So what's your story, Akane-chan?"
Akane blushed. "Ummm...well..." she hung her head. "Ditto," she
said. Ukyou and Tofu both blinked.
"DITTO!?" Ukyou said. "You mean you--?"
Akane dropped her head into her hands, and nodded.
Tofu scratched his head, looking uncomfortably between both girls.
"Well, I don't suppose it makes any sense for me to tell you that
what you did was..." he struggled for how to phrase it for a moment,
"...insane," he finally finished. "It doesn't change the fact that
both of you are..."
"They're what? How are they, sensei?" a voice said from behind Tofu.
The doctor turned around slowly to see Ranma and Konatsu standing
behind him.
Ukyou and Akane looked up, saw Ranma, blushed, and looked away.
Tofu looked very nervous. Ranma frowned. "What's up? Somethin'
wrong?"
Tofu swallowed. "Ah, Ranma? Ukyou and Akane are...well..."
~~o *** o~~
"WHAAAAAAAAAT!?"
The roof of Tofu-sensei's clinic rose a good meter off its base.
"Ranma...it's true," Akane said quietly.
"Yeah, Ranchan..." Ukyou affirmed.
"What...when...how...WHO?" Ranma asked.
Both girls blushed. "You," they said in unison.
"ME!?" Ranma asked.
"You?" Konatsu said numbly.
Tofu smoothed his hair nervously, fidgeting. "See, Ranma...maybe I'd
better let them tell you," he said, backing away from the pigtailed
martial artist.
~~o *** o~~
"Oh, good morning, Shampoo!" Kasumi said. "What can I do for you?"
"Where Ranma?" Shampoo said. "Shampoo have too-too good news for
airen!"
Kasumi frowned. "I'm afraid he's not here. He went to check on Akane
down at Tofu-sensei's clinic."
"Aiyah? Violent girl sick? Well, Shampoo news cheer up everyone.
Baibai!" The Amazon bounced away happily.
"How strange," Kasumi said, closing the door.
~~o *** o~~
"And so...y'know..." Ukyou said, motioning with her hand in a rather
suggestive manner.
Ranma blushed, and scratched the back of his head. "You're jokin',
right?"
Ukyou shook her head. Akane blushed. "I, um...well, ditto," she
said.
Ranma's eyes widened. "Aw, c'mon, Akane. Not you too," Ranma said.
"Please tell me this is all some joke," he said.
"Well..." Ukyou said, tugging at her loose shirt, "You remember what
you said that one day on the roof..."
Ranma blinked.
"You know," Akane continued, "about how nobody could force you into
anything, unless..."
Ranma groaned. "Unless they had my baby," he finished. "Great. So
the two of you decided to get to me in my sleep..."
They both nodded, blushing. Ranma threw up his hands in despair.
"Well, this is just perfect. What the hell are we supposed to do
now?"
"Airen! Airen!" chimed a hyper-kawaii voice from the doorway. Ranma
groaned.
"Shampoo, not now. I don't have time for..."
"Then make time, Ranma. Shampoo have big big news," the Amazon said,
glomping onto Ranma.
"So do we, Shampoo," Ukyou said.
Akane nodded. "That's right, Shampoo. Guess what?"
"No is guessing time. Shampoo is telling now. Shampoo is telling all
you that...Shampoo pregnant," the Amazon said.
Everyone in the room facefaulted.
"Shampoo, this isn't the time for sick jokes," Tofu said.
"No is joke!" Shampoo said, patting her belly. "Shampoo pregnant
with Ranma baby."
Ranma groaned. "Not you too," he sighed.
"Not Shampoo too? What Ranma talking?" Shampoo asked, a hint of
danger in her voice.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!! Ranma-sama! The father of my fruit of love!"
Kodachi's voice rang from the doorway, as black rose petals filled
the clinic.
Ranma groaned. "Oh man, this is insane. I'm gettin' outta here."
"Hey, wait a minute, Ranchan..."
"Yeah, you can't just leave us like this!" Akane shouted.
"It ain't you two I'm leavin'. It's *these* two!" Ranma said,
bolting for the door, bouncing off Kunou's head as he did so. Kunou
fell to the pavement without uttering a word.
Tofu sighed. "Why do I get the feeling that the next eight months or
so are gonna be hell?"
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Well, the roads are flooded, but hey, I'm not
complaining. I'm hydroplaning!
---
The Eternal Lost Lurker
My hair is purple. I wear mirror shades.
Am I cool or what?
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502
The Klingons are near Uranus.
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