At 02:38 AM 3/17/98 -0600, Eric McGinnis wrote:

I'm sorry I'm late on this, but I had to testify at a small hearing
concerning an arson.  Also I am renumbering the chapters, and the next
two sections should be done soon.

	Well, legal testimony is an excellent reason to be late. Almost as good as
having a stroke. <grin>

	Next, while the story is reasonably interesting, it has some flaws that
detract from reading. Mostly spelling errors and run-on sentences. I
recently picked up a shareware spellchecking add-on for WordPad (turns it
into a useful, fairly full-featured word processor for only $15. Can't beat
that!) and turned it loose on this story. It found some 200 errors in the
3,617 words in this fic. That's NOT counting the japanese terms and
personal names it mistakenly (but understandably) flagged as errors. 

	By the way.. I saved the corrected version, Eric. If you don't want to go
to all the effort, email me and I'll try to send the corrected version back
to you so you can look it over. It would also give you a bit of a head-start.

	I'm the last person to be saying this, but it _did_ seem you glossed over
some scenes, brushing by them a little too fast. trying to add some
additional background detail could prove helpful.

	Also.. scotch? Ranma wouldn't have the money to be able to afford
expensive Glen Livit scotch, Eric.. even the Scot's admit that Glen Livit
can be a little pricey. It's a luxury item here in North America where it's
easy to get at. In Japan, I imagine that it would be ever more costly. Both
the manga and the anime seem consistant in insisting that Ranma does not
have a lot of money. I've noted that there are occasions where he ends up
paying off a debt to Nabiki by either modeling for her as Ran-chan, or
doing other labors in return for the cancellation of what he owes her. So,
you might want Ranma to be swilling either sake, or some cheap liquor. Try
asking around. There must be someone on the list who is familiar with what
potables are available in Japanese liquor stores, and the prices they go
by. I understand beer is easily available from vending machines, in much
the same way that soda is here in the West.

	Next, Urd seems a little too surprised by Ranma's curse. One would think a
goddess, even if unfamiliar with Jyusenkyo curses, would be able to take
this sort of thing in stride. After all, they get to see miracles on a
daily basis. One would think they'd get just a tad jaded after a few decades.

	At the beginning of chapter three, you imply that Ranma is in his male
form, but then you refer to his red hair, and call him a niece. You need to
fix that.

	Would Kami-sama really refer to a teenager as a rugrat? I don't think so,
but that's  a personal call of the author's. Still, it does seem less than
dignified for Kami-sama to do so.

	On that same token, Kami-sama's dialog seems just a little too crude.
Unless you're doing that deleiberately, so that Ranma feels more at ease
with him, you should consider making Kami-sama's words more dignified.

	Well, this letter is getting long, and I'm getting tired. I still don't
have much stamina these days. <sigh> I'll close by saying that there are
some sentences you'll need to check closely, as you've misspelled words in
ways that my checker couldn't catch, but my eye did.

	I hope that helps, and I'm hoping to see more of this story. Unlike some
folks, I can clearly (and _painfully_!) remember just how truly rotten my
first few stories were, and the help that was freely offered to me by such
people as Gryphon, Pearson Mui, PCHammer, Bert Van Vliet, Jeanne Hedge,
Twister, Zen, Mike Loader, and many, many others.

	So I urge you to continue, and will try to offer you public C&C whenever I
can. Hope this hour of my time proves useful, and that this story will
continue to grow and improve.

	Take care, Eric, and have fun writing.

	Ed Becerra


	"Dreamers may die, but the Dream is eternal.."