Short Yes <ShortYes@aol.com> wrote:

It was a quiet and lonely afternno for a certain young lady by the name 
of Tendou Kasumi.  In this case the person in question did not feel 
young at the moment.  She was looking at the kio pond and wondered what 
her life would have been like if only her mother did not die so young.  
She did not mind taking care of the family.  It was just moments like 
this when she wished she had a particular someone to share in the moment 
of tranquility and fill the void within her.  Kasumi rarely had a chance 
to enjoy herself and participate in the many activities which others her 
age seem to enjoy such as dating, sight seeing, strolling in the park, 
movies, or even a hanging out with friends.  Most of her friends have 
all gone to college and the only friend closest to her was 32 years old 
and had 3 children.  This more than anything seems to reinforce the 
image of an old lady.  The boys that she had meet on her few outings 
have been immature and lacked the quilties she expected in a future 
husband.  

This not only has lots of spelling typos and bad sentence constructions,
but it's also very cursory and summary. Slow down a little and describe
to us what goes through Kasumi's head during this scene, thought by
thought, and describe it exactly as *she* experiences it, rather than
summarizing what we're supposed to learn from it.

Later that day she was even more surprised when her father called all 
three of his daughters to him.  He had annouced that a good friend of 
his would be coming the the Tendou househood soon.  He was bring his son 
in the hopes of uniting both the Tendou and Saetome clan through 
marriage.  

This smells like a setup for the classic "annoying new character" fic. I
hope I'm wrong, but it seems almost *guaranteed* that the new guy will
be unbearably perfect -- given the terms of the wish.

At this, Kasumi could only think back to her wish early this afternoon 
and again was so surprised that the only sound that escaped her lips 
were, "Oh my!"

"Oh my" is a vastly over-used fanfiction cliche -- and you've just used
it twice.


Sorry, Long, but as you can probably tell, I didn't like this one. Since
this is negative C&C, I feel I should point out that there's nothing
personal here, and I very much hope that you keep writing.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics