A shortfic by: Mark Eymer
Evangelion: Father
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A black mass of dark thoughts fill my conciousness. They are primarily
ruled over by one such thought, a thought of a person who is supposed to
be there for you from the start, someone who is supposed to care. A
Father. My Father.

You left me, father. You left me and mother so you could accomplish you
one true goal, immortality. Your selfish ways spawned an astranged
child, born of your own loins. Yet you left him to rot. You left ME to
rot, only calling on me when you "needed" me. Needed me to complete your
scenario and help you attain oneness with the rest of humanity.

How could you? You heartless bastard. You paid Ayanami more attention
than you did me. You treated her as a daughter, and me as a tool. You
tool. I was your way to accomplishing your dream, and nothing more.
Never your son, never your own beloved child. Just a tool. Something to
carry out your agenda and to follow your orders.

And when that didn't work anymore, when you started to see that the
control you had over me was fracturing, you devised the dummy plug. And
made me "kill" my friend. Touji suffered because of you. Hikari is still
suffering because of you.

Your empty promises ring dully in my ears. I've heard them, and I've
also heard your loathsome words. If I fail you don't want me, only when
I succeed. I disgrace you when I show backbone, and I dishonor NERV when
I refuse to pilot Eva. Even when it's wrong.

It feels so wrong, sometimes. It feels so horribly wrong. Comfort can be
found in the "womb" of Eva, yet nothing but heartache and sorrow can
come from piloting. I've hurt friends, lost love ones, and wounded
innocents. All because I'm your tool, your doll.

Asuka calls Ayanami a doll, but I wonder. I wonder if I'm not really the
doll. When I first came, I agreed. I agreed to pilot because I thought
it would make you proud of me. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I hate you father, I hate what you stand for. I hate your cause and I
hate your effects. I hate what you've done to me, what you've done to
NERV and the people that work there. I hate what you've done to
humanity.

And most of all... I hate myself. I hate myself for letting you do it.

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Sorry folks... was feeling kinda angsty so I just sat down, opened up
netscape, popped up a To: Mail window and wrote. This is the result.
Least it's outta my system.

And by the by... should I continue it? Make it longer?... I dunno.

Thanks for reading,
Mark Eymer