Final Fantasy VII: Children of Jenova
Chapter 16
Just about the same time that a little old lady found a completely naked
young woman washed up behind her bar, Vincent and the remaining Highwind
crew had finally decided to go visit Neomidgar and get some answers from
Shinra the old-fashioned way.
Vincent double-parked the Highwind in a safe spot on Domino Avenue, fed the
parking meter, and took off towards the ominous new Shinra tower, trailed
by Cloud and Tifa, Red XIII, Elena, and Yuffie. Once inside, the
receptionist looked up at them, somewhat less than amused. The placard on
her desk identified her as Hope, and she was currently doing her nails.
"What the *&^*&^% do you want!?" she screeched, causing all within earshot
to wince and sweatdrop. "Listen, dip*&^! How many times do I have to tell
you, don't bother me when I'm doin' my NAILS!"
Vincent turned blue. "Erm..."
Hope cleared her throat. "Sorry. Are you here for the argument clinic?"
"Say what?" Elena exclaimed.
"Shh. Let's play along." Vincent nodded. "Yes. Which way?"
"Up the stairs, first door on the left. Now PISS OFF!" Hope screamed,
rupturing a few eardrums in the vicinity.
Up the stairs they went. They could have taken the elevator, but Reeve had
warned them about Shinra's hideous elevator music. Said music was actually
developed by Shinra's psychological warfare gurus and had the tendency to
induce projectile vomiting and 360-degree head spins.
"First door on the left?" Vincent shrugged. "Let's get this over with." He
stepped into the room and was immediately accosted by a very angry
Heidegger.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Heidegger roared, and Vincent backpedaled a bit.
"We were told outside--" Tifa began, but Heidegger shut her off.
"Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!"
Cloud turned purple. "What!?"
Heidegger seemed not to hear and continued his tirade. "Shut your festering
gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke!"
"Now wait just a minute here--!" Elena protested.
"Shut your bleeding hole, you vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert--"
Vincent wibbled in his shoes a bit. "Look, we came here for the argument
clinic..."
Heidegger snapped his mouth shut quickly. "Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse."
"That explains it," Red XIII nodded.
"You want room 12A next door," Heidegger said with a smile.
"I see," Vincent stammered, already halfway out of the room. "Sorry."
* * *
And now for something completely different:
A curious sight greeted the citizens of Junon that morning. Twelve
Sephiroth clones, black cloaks and all, walked in two lines up and down the
streets, each carrying a wooden board in its hands. As they shuffled up and
down the streets, they chanted:
"Estuans interius ira vehementi..." And at the completion of that line,
each clone whomped himself over the head with the board.
"Veni veni venias ne me more facias..." Whomp.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi..." Whomp.
"Veni veni venias ne me more facias..." Whomp.
As the clones made their way through the streets, Reeve sat in a cafe
enjoying a decent breakfast for once. He didn't notice the odd little man
that approached. Had Cloud been there, he would have identified the little
guy as the weird old geezer from the Temple of the Ancients. He was
carrying a little book and studying it closely; so closely, in fact, that
he bumped right into Reeve's knee (the little guy was pretty short,
y'know).
"Hey...can I help you?" Reeve offered.
The little man squinted at his book. "I will not buy this record, it is
scratched."
Reeve raised an eyebrow. "Sorry?"
"I will not buy this record," the little man repeated with a confident nod.
"It is scratched."
"No, no, no," Reeve laughed. "This..." He motioned around him and the
pointed at the plate of Spam, egg, bacon, and Spam before him. "Cafe."
"Oh!" The little man grinned. "I will not buy this cafe, it is scratched!"
Reeve rubbed his eyes. "No, no, no...cafe...food..."
"Yes, food!" the man nodded enthusiastically. "My hovercraft is full of
eels!"
"What!?" Reeve spluttered. The little man grumbled softly and mimed
drinking a cup of coffee.
"My hovercraft," he repeated slowly, "is full of eels..."
"Coffee?" Reeve offered, holding up his cup.
"Yah! Yah!" The little guy nodded and grinned. "Do you want to come back to
my place, bouncy bouncy?"
Reeve sweatdropped. "I don't think you're using that book right..."
"You great pouf," the little man answered, still nodding and grinning.
"Can I see..." Reeve attempted to convey, through hand gestures and pulling
of faces, that he wanted to see the little man's phrasebook, and the man
handed it over. "Coffee...Coffee...ah, here we go...yandesvayasna grldenwi
stravenka," he said with a grin.
The little man gasped and decked Reeve squarely between the eyes.
A policeman almost immediately rushed in. "What's going on here?" he
demanded.
The little Ancient pointed an angry finger at Reeve. "You have beautiful
thighs!" he spat angrily.
"He hit me!" Reeve whined, pointing back at the odd little man.
"What!?" the policeman blurted as the little man flipped through his
phrasebook again.
"Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait until lunchtime!" he said
angrily.
"Right! That does it!" the policeman grabbed the Ancient by the back of the
collar and began to drag him out.
"My nipples explode with delight!" the little man yelled on the way out.
* * *
A large panda strolled into view, carrying a sign that read, "Meanwhile,
back at Shinra headquarters..." and was promptly thrown out of the fic by
the author.
"Here it is," Vincent sighed. "12A." He opened the door and found Scarlet
sitting at her desk, smiling innocently. "Is this the right room for an
argument?" he asked.
Scarlet blinked. "I told you once."
Vincent sweatdropped. "No you didn't..."
"Yes I have."
"When!?"
"Just now!"
"No you didn't!" Yuffie whined. Scarlet sighed.
"Yes, I did."
Vincent groaned. "No you didn't."
"Did!"
"Didn't!"
"I'm telling you I..." Scarlet checked her watch. "I'm sorry, is this a
five-minute argument or the full half-hour?"
"Uh..." Vincent sweatdropped. "Just a five-minute one, I guess."
Scarlet scribbled something on a notepad next to her hand. "Good,
good...anyway, I did."
"You most certainly did not!" Red XIII piped up.
"Now let's get one thing quite clear," Scarlet sighed, checking her nails.
"I most definitely did."
"You did not!" Vincent wailed.
"Yes I did," Scarlet replied.
The two of them stood there trading "You did nots" and "Yes I dids" for
several moments; finally Vincent threw up his hands. "Look, this isn't even
an argument!" he yelled.
Scarlet blinked. "Yes it is."
"No it isn't!" Vincent rolled his eyes. "It's just contradiction!"
"No it isn't!"
"You just contradicted him!" Elena offered.
"No, no, no!"
Cloud turned purple. "Oh, this is futile! We came here for an argument!"
"No you didn't!" Scarlet replied with a grin. "You came here for an
ARGUMENT!"
"An argument isn't just contradiction!" Red XIII stated. "An argument is a
connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition!"
"What he said," Yuffie nodded.
Scarlet rolled her eyes. "Look, if I argue with you I must take up a
contrary position."
"But that isn't just saying 'no it isn't' !" Red grumbled.
Instead of replying, Scarlet reached out and rang a bell on the corner of
her desk. "Thank you, good morning."
"I--what?"
"That's it. Good morning."
"But we were just getting interested," Elena protested.
"Sorry, but the five minutes is up." Scarlet grinned wickedly.
"That was never five minutes just now!" Vincent stammered.
"I'm afraid it was."
"No it wasn't," Vincent replied.
Scarlet sighed. "Look, I'm not allowed to argue any more. If you want to go
on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes."
"Oh..." Vincent sighed, dug through his pockets, and tossed a bill on
Scarlet's desk. "Here."
Scarlet pocketed the money. "Thank you."
Vincent eyed her expectantly. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"That was never five minutes just now."
Scarlet looked up and smiled. "I told you, I'm not allowed to argue anymore
unless you've paid!"
Cloud facevaulted. "But he DID pay you!"
"No he didn't," Scarlet said with a sweet smile.
"He did! He did! He did!" Yuffie, Red XIII, and Elena wailed.
"No he didn't," Scarlet snickered.
"Look, I don't want to argue about that!" Vincent spat, on the verge of
going into Chaos form already.
"Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay!"
"Aha!" Red XIII exclaimed. "If he didn't pay...why are you arguing with
us?"
"Got you!" Yuffie beamed.
"No you haven't," Scarlet replied.
"Yes we have," Elena said, nodding. "If you're arguing he must have paid!"
"Not necessarily," Scarlet grinned. "I could be arguing in my spare time."
"I've had enough of this," Vincent growled, storming out the door.
"No you haven't--"
"Oh, shut up!" Vincent snapped back.
* * *
It was not a good day at Annie's Hangar. The three blue-suited twerps were
not thrilled with Annie's limited breakfast menu.
"What have you got?" Raven sighed, already on her third beer.
"Well," Annie began, drawing a deep breath. "I've got egg and bacon; egg,
sausage and bacon; egg and Spam; egg, bacon and Spam; egg, bacon, sausage,
and Spam; Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon, and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
baked beans, and Spam; and lobster thermidore aux crevettes with a mornay
sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top and
Spam."
"Have you got anything without Spam in it?" Stuart said meekly.
Annie scratched her chin. "Well, there's Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam.
That's not got MUCH Spam in it."
"But I don't want ANY Spam!" Stuart whined.
"Why can't he have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?" Archer queried.
"THAT'S got Spam in it!" Stuart protested.
"Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam," Raven pointed out.
Stuart ignored her. "Look, can I have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without
the Spam?"
Annie pulled a face. "Eeeeuuuuugh!"
Stuart facevaulted. "Whaddya mean, 'eeeeeuuuugh!'!? I don't like Spam!"
Chopper and his crew began to sing loudly and off key: "Spam Spam Spam Spam
Spam Spam Spam Spam lovely Spaaaaaaaam wonderful Spaaaaaam--"
"SHUT UP!" the new bouncer roared, her green eyes flashing. "SHUT UP! Shut
the hell up!" Chopper and company did so.
"You can't have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam!" Annie said
flatly.
"Why not?" Stuart whined.
"It wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage--"
"I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!" Stuart screeched. Raven patted his arm gently.
"Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your Spam. I love it! I'm having Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam..."
"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam--" Chopper and friends sang. C.J. pulled a baseball
bat emblazoned with the words "The Voice of Reason" out of pocketspace and
bashed Chopper over the head with it.
"SHUT UP!" she roared again. "Bloody bikers!"
"...baked beans, Spam, and Spam," Raven finished with a grin.
"Baked beans are off," Annie snapped.
"Oh." Raven sighed. "Well, can I have Spam instead?"
Annie frowned. "You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. Spam, and Spam?"
Meanwhile, the remainder of Chopper's crew had picked up the chorus once
more. "Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam..."
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE (*@#$(* UP!" C.J. howled, covering her ears.
"Yes," Raven nodded.
"Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam lovely Spaaaaaaaaam wonderful Spaaaaaaaaam!"
"SHUT UP!"
The bikers shut up momentarily as the weird little guy from the Temple of
the Ancients strolled in. He was holding a Cetra-English phrasebook and
reading it intently. "Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of
Spam, egg, Spam, bacon, Spam, tomato, Spam.."
With that, the bikers began to sing again. "Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam..."
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" C.J. thundered, picking up bikers and throwing them
out the door--which did absolutely no good because they were coming right
back in through the window. Archer stood up and bundled the strange little
man out the door as the bikers kept right on singing.
- - -
Author's notes: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS!!! Did anyone think
this was the REAL Chapter 16!? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA *gasp* hahahahahahah
*urk* *die*
-Sailor Solathei
"Ice...snacks...and--fifty gallons of BEER!? What kind of life does she
lead, anyway!?" --Shinji Ikari
"Hang on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!" --Cid Highwind
"A brand new ML to blow up! Wai!" --Zen
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Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
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Sailor Solathei's Cid Highwind shrine (still under very heavy construction)
http://members.xoom.com/ssolathei/cidshrine.html and the Cid Highwind Otaku
Ring: http://members.xoom.com/ssolathei/ring.html