Jonathan Ng <jonathan@worldy.com> wrote:

"Embrace Who You Are"
Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Jonathan Ng <jonathan@worldy.com>

This has potential, but needs some work. Here are some suggestions:

1) Slow down. You need to go slowly and show enough so that we can
understand how the characters are feeling and why they are saying what
they are. Case in point:

Akane heard a female voice, crying in the shower.  She knew it was 
Ranma.  What happened?  She wondered, Ranma doesn't cry, ever.  Part
of her wanted to shrug it away;  he isn't worth it, it says.  He
always calls you 'kawaiikunee', an uncute tomboy, and he always insults
your cooking.  But another voice said, he saved you in the tornado
when you jumped in to get the moxibustion chart, didn't he?  He 
sacrificed the chart - the only way to get his strength back - to save
you, didn't he?  Akane held the thoughts in her mind, balancing them
one against the other.  Eventually, her feelings for Ranma won out.
She opoened the door and stepped inside.

See, that was an enormous amount of stuff crammed into a short space.
Slow down and describe Akane's feelings in more detail. Especially where
they do things they wouldn't normally do (like confess their love for
each other), we need to be shown why, either directly or indirectly.

2) Use specific descriptions. Things like "Ranma got defensive" don't
tell us much because they're too vague. We need to know how this
translates into specific things that the characters see, hear, and feel.

Oh, and Ranma can (and generally does) swim without a bikini. He wears a
one-piece. :-)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics