From: "Christopher Angel" <cja124@mail.usask.ca>
To: "Fanfic Mailing List" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [ranma] [fanfic] [revision] Here We Go Again: Prologue
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 00:38:01 -0400
HERE WE GO AGAIN - a Ranma 1/2 Fanfic (continuation)
----------------
Don't sue me, OK? I don't own these, Rumiko Takahashi and Viz do.
***
Prologue: A new face and a new curse
------------------------------------
<snip>
Kasumi looked at the girl, a slight frown on her face. "Ranma, help
her
down." She started grabbing cushions and setting up an area for the
girl to
lay. "Give me your cushions, I want her to be comfortable. She
doesn't
need to aggravate her condition." Everyone silently obeyed. Kasumi
may not
be a threat, but when she commands, you obey.
Verb Tense: "Kasumi might not have been a threat, but when she
spoke, everyone obeyed."
Note the purely personal rejection of the idea that Kasumi would ever
"command" anyone....
<snip>
"He didn't drink the water," Genma interrupted. "He drank plain
water."
Uh, oh, somebody's gonna be in for a world of hurtin'....
<snip>
"No, once he woke up, he asked Ranma to help him break it to the
others.
Ranma's out gathering them all. Tenno's in the practice room."
Ummm... Would "all" include Ryouga? And if so, how to explain his
presence, and reactions, to Akane?
<snip>
***
One of the few successes Tenno's father made was the creation of
You don't really "make" successes--You "have" them.
<snip>
"One of the things father discovered was a trick to concentrate the
spring
water." Tenno grimaced.
Since you've got this part, I would suggest cutting out the "narrated"
explanation you opened the scene with. A couple extra lines of
diaologue would cover all the info, and Nabiki's natural curiousity will
be sufficient to make the conversation flow naturally.
<snip>
Shampoo sniffled again, and seemed to regain control of herself. She
and
onna-Mousse left together, Shampoo hitting onna-Mousse every time she
snuck
a look under her robes. "Stupid Mousse! You no be pervert!"
"But Shampoo, it's my body...."
BWAHAHAHA!!!!
<snip>
Soun looked ready to cry, then sighed, and went back to the game.
"WHAT!?!"
He screamed, looking at the board.
*snicker*
<snip>
End Prologue
Looks promising--and it predates my own arrival to the ML, so I'm
looking forward to seeing the rest of it unfold.
*sigh*, Poor Akane... Who's gonna tell her about poor, little P-Chan's
demise?
--Freemage
--
Christopher "God-boy" Angel
cja124@mail.usask.ca
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/7040/
"I'm your worst nightmare - a manga
nut with a power ring." Green Lantern
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