Standard disclaimers apply

(begin opening credits)

(sung)
- - -We hate Animes
- - -What's with these guys anyway?
- - -Tiny mouths and hubcap eyes
- - -Repair bills are on the rise
- - -Karl better soon get wise
- - -Before it's one of use who dies.

- - -Dr. Karl Stoopenstein
- - -Had a little to much wine
- - -Now we're stuck in space and time
- - -Tell us, just what was our crime?

- - -Now we're the
- - -ANIME HOSPITAL!
- - -ANIME HOSPITAL!
- - -Nine to five we're curing ailments
- - -Of people purely fictional!

- - -Toni's got an attitude
- - -Let her bark, her bites hurt more
- - -Heather's got both her eyes glued
- - -On every single guy's barn door.
- - -Mike's a romantic
- - -Pam's a mystery
- - -Karl's always frantic
- - -Brain the size of a flea.

- - -Life's a little dangerous
- - -Doctors only raise a fuss
- - -Screaming out our final plea
- - -All we want's reality!

- - -Cause we're the
- - -ANIME HOSPITAL!
- - -ANIME HOSPITAL!
- - -Nine to five we're curing ailments
- - -Of people purely fictional!

C       R       A       S       H       !       !


ANIME HOSPITAL
                                    
by J L Morreale
                                    
                                    
episode # 2
                                    
Ill-Lum-Innate-Shuns


Toni knew trouble was coming when she heard the crowd of voices outside the
hospital. It wasn't just voices, however. Sirens, and a megaphone-amplified
voice added to the racket outside, and it was approaching rapidly. Toni
groaned and braced herself for the worst.
        
The glass doors were knocked off their hinges as the giant panda known as
Genma burst into the lobby. He had a determined look in his eyes and was
holding a sign that read "Emergency!!" Behind him came dozens of Animes from
roughly five or so different worlds, with only one thing in common with each
other. They were of the subclass known as "Takahashis," and they were being
lead by Ataru Moroboshi himself, who was walking backwards and shouting
through the megaphone he was carrying.
        
When they got to the front desk, Ataru turned to Toni and shouted through the
megaphone, "Hey, fat babe! We need a doctor right now!"
        
Toni leaned back from the force of the noise he made, and then snatched the
megaphone from his hands. "Where's your appointment, you idiot?!" she screamed
through the megaphone, making sure the blast hit him hard enough make his ears
ring for a week.
        
Once he recovered, Ataru straightened up and did his best to look indignant.
"You don't have to yell," he said. The very next moment the megaphone was
rammed down on him so hard he found his head sticking out of the speaker end.
        
"And don't call me fat-babe!" Toni finished. She calmed down and took a more
casual pose. "So, what seems to be the problem?"
        
The crowd of Animes parted to allow the group in the center to approach the
desk. Godai, Mendou, Ranma, and Rei wheeled a gurney with them. Laying on the
gurney was Lum, who was quite obviously very ill. Sweat covered her face, and
she moaned miserably. Jariten flew up to Toni and in his little boy voice
said, "Please, Ma'am. Lum is very sick, and she needs a doctor as soon as you
can get one."
        
Toni looked at her critically, pursed her lips thoughtfully, and did several
other things in manners that
require adjectives of three or more syllables before she finally said, "Do you
know what's wrong with her?"
        
Ten continued to hover in a way that betrayed his concern. "We don't know
what's wrong with her. She just passed out suddenly while she was eating with
some friends at a restaurant. I bet it was because she was so worried about
that idiot husband of hers."
        
They both looked at Ataru, who was struggling to remove the megaphone from his
body. So far he was having no luck. "Yes, I could understand that," Toni
murmured. "Okay, I'll get the emergency room." She glanced at Lum, who
crackled with energy briefly. "I'll make sure they wear protective clothing as
well."
        
As if to reinforce the point, a random blast of lightning struck Ataru. The
bolt of energy knocked him across the room but also blew the megaphone off of
him, much to everyone's disappointment.

        

"At last, after all this time, she's finally done!" Dr. Stoopenstein said
excitedly. He was in his private laboratory wearing his lucky lab coat and
trademark lab glasses. "Now I need one more thing..." He wandered off to the
wall with the cabinets and shelves and began fishing through jars and bottles.
        
"No, not that one," he mumbled to himself. "That's not it either." Behind him
was a massive amount of strange mechanical devices. Of particular note was a
huge machine that resembled a ray gun of some sort. It was ringed with golden
bars and there was a spherical piece of metal at the end of it's conical
barrel. It was mounted on two massive stands that hummed with energy, and it
was pointed directly at the laboratory
table, and what lay on it.
        
Covered from the collar down by a white sheet was a strange, almost eerie
individual. She was dressed in a nurse's cap, had bright red hair, and her
face had numerous stitches covering it. Two electro-prods stuck out of her
neck and had wires attached to them at the moment. She was apparently very
tall, and she was strangely abstract, almost two-dimensional, but despite all
of this, she somehow resembled nurse Heather Farley. She lay unmoving, her
eyes closed, with no breaths to give signs of life.
        
Finally Dr. Stoopenstein said, "Aha! Here it is!" He plucked a can from the
furthest shelf and dusted it off. When the dust finally fell away, the label
could be read. "Hot Cocoa Mix," it read. The ratty haired doctor walked over
to his note table, where a pot of hot water waited, and he fixed himself a mug
of his favorite drink.
        
"This calls for a celebration!" he announced, though there was nobody else in
the room to celebrate with him. He raised the mug into the air. "To Frances,
the world's first man-made Anime. She shall be the eternal symbol that man can
create life, and will also be a beacon to the cause of eternal beauty and
life. I can already feel my Nobel prize." Karl took a long swig from his mug,
and immediately dropped it, spitting and
sputtering. "Too hot!" he yelled. "Far too hot!"
        
His ranting was interrupted by a voice which murmured something
unintelligible. "Eh?" he said. "Who's there?"
        
"Ol cn." The voice was coming from Frances.
        
"Can it be?" the doctor said in astonishment. "Has she attained life so soon?
Oh, this is even better than I had hoped!" He ran over to her, removing the
wires from her neck prods, saying, "Speak to me, Frances. Speak to daddy!"
        
"Ol cn!" she repeated. Her eyes had opened, and she was apparently very
frustrated.
        
"What?" Karl leaned closer so he could hear her better.
        
Frances' arm stiffly moved up and grasped Dr. Stoopenstein by the hair and
pulled him up as she suddenly became very loose just long enough for her to
yell "Oil can, you moron!!" just before she fell back on the table, as stiffly
as before.
        
"Eh? Oil can?" Karl said. Suddenly his face brightened. "Ah! I understand!" He
dashed off to a huge pile of junk and began to fish through it for a long
while. Finally he emerged with the requested item and moved in to apply it to
her. Before he could squeeze one drop out, however, she knocked it from his
hand and pointed. He followed her finger to another shelf, where resting there
in complete isolation was a can of oil paints. Understanding finally dawned in
the doctor's thick skull, and he took the can from its shelf and began to pour
the paints into it. Then he brought the can over to her.
        
Frances had by this time lifted herself to a relatively upright position and
she took the can from him in one fluid motion, though she was still quite
stiff. She took a long drink from the can, and as she did so, she changed. Her
edges became smoother, and she became brighter in color.  Her movements became
less jerky, and she sighed with relief. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
been made by Hanna-Barbara." she said.
        
Dr. Stoopenstein was leaping up and down with excitement. "She's alive! She's
alive and she's beautiful! I'm a genius!"
        
"Yeah, right, Nimrod. Who are you really?" Frances said as she swung herself
off the table. Her voice had suddenly developed a thick New York moll accent,
and she regarded the doctor with a bored expression.
        
"Who, me?" Karl said, surprised. "Why, I am Dr. Karl von Stoopenstein. I
founded this hospital to protect the animes and the precious eternal beauty
they possess and which you emulate. It was I who brought you to life."
        
"Yeah, okay, fine. Thanks. Now, where are all the cute guys?" She smoothed out
the folds in her nurse's gown and checked herself over. "Say, I have nice
legs. I've got a pretty good figure, too. And, wow, check out these-"
        
"Frances! You are the very first man-made creation of the perfection of
eternal beauty!" Karl said, he was practically shivering with excitement.
"Don't you know what this means?"
        
"Yeah, it means I'm going to take advantage of this eternal beauty and see
what I can't 'come up' with." She was looking around the lab. "This is all
wrong. The room has no ambiance, and the decor is just terrible. I'm gonna
have to find some other place."
        
"No! No, I need you to stay right there. I need to take a photograph to
preserve this moment for posterity! I'll be right back!" He dove back into his
pile of junk and began to hunt for his camera.
        
Frances watched him for just a moment before she started to edge away from the
table. The doctor was still buried in the junk pile when he poked his head out
and said, "Frances?" The newly born creation was nowhere to be found.

        

The halls in the hospital were in complete chaos. The Takahashis who had come
in with Lum had tried to wait in the lobby and behave themselves but one
misunderstanding had lead to another and they were now running wild in the
halls despite all efforts to bring them back. Ataru was of course the worst in
the group, chasing nearly every nurse he could find and getting severely
beaten in the process. Fortunately he was beginning to slow down from all the
damage he had taken.
        
Toni was doing her best to keep some semblance of order in the lobby, but the
waiting Animes were getting a bit anxious. "I'm sorry, Mr. Bernard, but Otaku
visiting hours aren't for another three hours and besides, Lum is in the
emergency room right now, so you couldn't visit her anyway."
        
"But you don't understand."
        
"I understand perfectly. This is no different than the time your friend Mr.
Jackson came in when Usagi was in last time. It doesn't matter how much you
care, or how hard you find it to believe, you cannot come in to visit your
favorite Anime while she's undergoing treatment. Now go home!"
        
Just then the brawny nurse Mike Jones approached the desk. He was very
haggard, and he was panting as he held himself up by his arms on the desk.
"There's just too many of them. We can't catch them all, and they're wrecking
everything in their path!"
        
"Blasted Takahashis," Toni muttered. "Just once I wish they could do something
without creating a massive repair bill in their wake."
        
In the south wing of the hospital, Rei was running down one of the halls,
chasing Akane and saying, "Will you cook for me, for the rest of my life?"
        
"No!" Akane yelled. "Get away from me you!"
        
Moments later Rei came running back the other way chased by a bunch of wild
generic Anime girls while he chased C-Ko. "Will you cook for me, for the rest
of my life?" he begged.
        
"No! Help, A-Ko! Save me!"
        
A few seconds later he returned chasing the lovely goddess, Urd. "Will you!"
        
"No!"
        
Back the other way with Usagi, "Cook for me!"
        
"Beat it, you jerk!"
        
Again, this time with Ryouko, "For the rest of my life!"
        
"Leave me alone!"
        
A pair of doctors were watching the spectacle as if it were a tennis match.
They seemed fascinated with what they were seeing.
        
"Say, who are those other girls who keep chasing him?" one of them asked.
        
"Extras," the other replied
        
Meanwhile, in the north wing, Ryouga and Ranma were at it again, wrecking
everything in sight as they battled each other. "I'll not forgive you for what
you said to Akane, Ranma! Now and forever I shall be avenged!"
        
"Hey, all I did was say she kicks like a hippopotamus! It's not like I
insulted her or anything!"
        
The battle came to a swift close, however, when Ranma's collection of fianc�s
jumped the rival and dragged him over to a sink where they swiftly doused him
from head to toe. He quickly changed into the piglet        P-chan and was
immediately nabbed. "I make pork for you?" Shampoo said to the others.
        
Benten and her gang were having an impromptu race in the east wing, scattering
doctors, nurses and patients left and right while Trouble Consultant Kei was
getting a few fashion tips from Ran.
        
Maris the Chojo was busily falling into the arms of Shutaro Mendou and Godai
had obviously said something wrong to Jariten, since he was at the moment
dodging some very dangerous looking fireblasts.
        
The amount of damage being done was immeasurable and very soon the hospital
was starting to look like it had been hit by a hurricane. Frances chose that
moment to pop up, and she looked in each direction before heading to the west
wing, saying to herself, "Maybe I'll have some luck this way. Everyone here is
too busy for me to play with."
        
As she walked on, she ran into a doctor, scattering a large stack of files all
over the floor. As the doctor bent down to retrieve her papers, she glanced up
and gasped aloud when she saw Frances. "Wow," she said. "Talk about super
deformed!"

* * * Commercial Break * * *


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Background Singers: At McNichol's...


* * * End Commercial Break * * *

"We need to do another test," the doctor said firmly.
        
"You've already done six tests," Heather reminded him. "What's one more going
to tell you that the others didn't?"
        
"I don't know, but until we find out something we can't do anything to help
her recover. I've never seen a combination of symptoms like this before."
        
"Well, I'm sure the random bolts of electricity aren't helping you much. Has
Karl been notified?" Heather was in one of her unusually serious moods today,
and her concern for the patient was a relief for the doctors who were treating
Lum.
        
"Nobody's been able to find Dr. Stoopenstein." the man said.
        
"That's probably a good thing. If anyone could make this situation worse than
it already is, it'd be Karl."
        
"Quick! You two, get in here!" another doctor said when he burst out of the
room they were standing next to. "She's awake!"
        
Excited, they both ran inside to see that Lum had indeed regained
consciousness to some degree, though she was still far from well. She appeared
to be trying to say something.
        
"What? What is it?" Heather demanded.
        
"Ol cn."
        
"We've already done that joke!" Heather said. "Come on, stick with the plot!"
        
Lum squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. She struggled to get to
words out of her mouth, and finally said. "The... lunch..." but that was as
far as she got before she passed out again crackling anew with energy.
Suddenly, she started to levitate off the bed.
        
"Quick!" Heather cried in alarm. "Somebody hold her down!" One of the effects
of Heather's serious moods is that for some reason the doctors actually take
orders from her. The three that were examining Lum immediately grabbed her and
did their best to haul her back to the bed, but it was a losing battle.
        
"That's it!" Heather said. "I'm going to find somebody she was having lunch
with and see if they know what's going on. I'll be right back." With that, she
left the doctors, who were still trying to hold Lum down.
        
When the door opened, Ataru ran by, chasing Mimsy from the Orguss Universe,
screaming, "Wait! Babe! Come back!" 
        
"Get away from me, you pervert!"
        
Suddenly Lum's eyes flew open and her expression turned to one of pure rage.
"Dar-linnnnnnng!" she shouted, and a massive bolt of electricity shot from her
and arced out the door. Ataru's trademark scream told everyone the bolt had
struck home, but then something else happened.
        
The lights in the entire hospital dimmed and finally shut down for a few
seconds, until the soft red emergency lights could come on. Lum passed out
again, and fell solidly to the bed, exhausted. "Gee, I'm glad things seem to
be getting easier," one of the doctors said sarcastically.

        

Frances continued to walk through the halls under the emergency lights,
refusing to give up her search for cute guys. She found someone who seemed
agreeable at first, but when she got close enough for Megane to see her, he
ran off screaming in the other direction.
        
Heather continued to make her way to the front desk. Amidst all the confusion,
she could barely walk, but she managed out of sheer determination. In the
distance she could hear a soft, cutesy voice saying "Darling, where are you?"
but it faded away and Heather continued walking. Finally she got to the front
desk, where Toni was holding her head in her hands and muttering phrases
inappropriate for a family show.
        
"Toni!" Heather called. "What's going on out there, the Apocalypse or
something?"
        
"I wish. Everything's gone completely bonkers. I knew that having all those
Takahashis in one place was a bad idea." The receptionist pulled out a jelly
doughnut and began to munch on it.
        
"Never mind that. The doctors are having trouble finding out what's wrong with
Lum. Do you know anyone who was having lunch with her when she passed out?"
        
Toni thought for a bit. "I can only think of one of them. Miss Sakura was with
her."
        
"Then that's the person I need to see. Where is she?"
        
Toni gave her a withering look. "It's anyone's guess right now, but last I
heard, she and her uncle went after Miyu."
        
"Why? Did she break into the blood bank again?"
        
"Do you even have to ask?"
        
"I'll get right there! Thanks!"
        
Toni watched as Heather disappeared into the darkness. "Don't mention it," she
said softly.
        
Frances had gotten completely lost by this time, so she decided she needed to
get directions. She went to a door at random and carefully opened it. Inside
were the three doctors working on Lum. One of them looked up and saw her and
said, "Well, did you find anything?"
        
"No..." Frances began, surprised at the question.
        
"Well, never mind that now, we need your help. I need you to prepare a shot
for this patient to calm her down!"
        
Frances looked around. The lights were so dim it was hard to see things very
well, but she decided that if she wasn't going to find any cute guys she might
as well be doing something with her time. She went over to the cabinet and
began to do as the doctor instructed her.

        

Frances looked at the various medicines in the cabinet and wondered what she
was going to do next. From behind, a doctor said, "What are you waiting for?
Hurry it up!"
        
"All right! All right!" she grumbled and just picked a few things out, poured
them together, and sucked them up with a syringe. She brought the needle to
one of the doctors, who took it and injected some of it into Lum.
        
Lum immediately calmed down, and the doctors relaxed for a moment. "Whew! At
least that's over with. Any ideas about what to do next?"
        
"Not a one. All we can do for now is wait and hope her condition doesn't
become life-threatening," said another doctor.
 
"For her or for us?" the third said.

"It's already life-threatening for us," the first said.
        
Frances looked at everyone in the room with a rather bored expression. She
decided she had done enough work and that it was time to go manhunting again.
As she passed the doctors on her way out, however, a glazed look fell over her
eyes and her neckprods began to crackle with energy. A wild streak of
electricity shot from her and was soaked up instantly by the prone body of
Lum. The reaction was quite spectacular.
        
Lum shot into the air, radiating electricity in every conceivable direction,
and shot out of the door before any of the doctors could do anything. All
three of them ran out the door after her, screaming with panic.
        
Frances watched them take off, sighed, and left the room in search of more
excitement. Outside the chaos had turned into absolute violence as the
Takahashis began to fight amongst themselves in completely random fashion.
        
Lum continued to fly through the halls, shooting off electricity and still
unconscious. She passed Yotsuya and Ichinose from the Ikkoku Universe and
severely shocked them both before they were even aware of her. The doctors
said their apologies as they ran by and called out for someone to catch Lum.
        
Karl poked his head out of his laboratory door and said, "Frances?" he stepped
out and looked down the hall to see Lum bearing down on him. He screamed out
loud and ran in the opposite direction as fast as he could.
        
More people joined in the chase, either chasing Lum or running away from her,
and pretty soon the situation began to look like the closing credits of The
Benny Hill Show. Then, just as suddenly as she had started, Lum seemed to run
out of energy, sputter a little, and collapse to the ground.
        
The three doctors rushed to the green haired Anime and quickly checked her
over.
        
"What's wrong?" Dr. Stoopenstein asked.
        
One of the doctors looked up at the administrator, sighed, and said, "She's
dying."

        

"Lum's DYING?!?"
        
The news spread quickly among the Takahashis and they all called a cease fire
in light of the emergency. They gathered around the doctors who were treating
Lum and watched with nervous eyes. Ten was the most upset, and flew to her
face, whimpering, "Don't die, Lum. Please don't die!"
        
Ten's tears prompted Mendou to start crying, followed by Megane and his posse,
and very soon there wasn't a dry animated eye in the place. Rei transformed
into a giant tiger-cow to vent out his grief, and pretty soon everyone was
wailing for all they were worth.
        
Suddenly Heather's voice shouted over all them and said, "Quiet!!!" Everybody
hushed immediately and opened to clear a path for her to pass. Following
Heather were Miss Sakura and Cherry, who both had a firm grip on Ran. As they
approached the still form of Lum, Heather said, "Now tell them what you told
me."
        
Ran looked positively miserable. "I- I was trying to think of a way to get
Darling from Lum, so I could have my revenge, when this hag walked up to me
and gave me an apple. She told me that whoever ate the apple would sleep for
the rest of their life, and so I gave it to Lum when we went out to lunch
together. I didn't know it would do this, honest! I didn't mean to kill her!"
She fell down beside Lum and said. "Lum! I'm sorry! Oh, what shall I do?" She
began to cry.
        
Everyone else was slowly becoming very angry. In particular the Ranma Universe
crowd seemed about ready to perform their very specialized form of lynching.
Before they could do so, however, Miss Sakura stepped up, and following her
was nurse Pam Kaburi.
        
"Wait! There is an antidote." Miss Sakura said. "I have read up on this
poison." She held up a book with the title, "Grimm's Fairy Tales." "What we
need is a Prince to kiss her, and she will be fine."
        
"In that case, since I am the closest thing to a Prince here, it is I who
should kiss her," said Mendou, and he walked up to kiss Lum. Suddenly Miss
Sakura kicked him back twelve feet into the waiting arms of Maris.
        
"I sense that you are not the one to save her." Sakura said firmly. She waved
her Shinto stick a few times and said, "The one who can save Lum with a kiss
is..." Her eyes opened with surprise. "You!" she said, pointing to Ataru.
        
"ATARU!?!?" everyone said in unison. "He's no Prince!" The last part was said
by Mr. Moroboshi.
        
"I never should have had him," Ataru's mother wailed.
        
"No, if it is I who can save her, then I will gladly do so," Ataru said. He
had a serious expression, and everybody paused in awe. He walked up to Lum,
kneeled down and kissed her lightly on the lips.
        
Lum's eyes fluttered a bit, and finally opened. She stopped sweating and
managed to say, "W-What happened?"
        
One of the doctors said with relief, "She's okay!"
        
"Ataru! You're so noble!" Shinobu said, and she hugged him with great
affection.
        
"Your husband just saved your life, Miss." another doctor told Lum. 

Lum smiled and said, "Darling!" and leapt up to embrace him as well, complete
with electrical shocks.

        

Some time later, Toni, Heather, Mike and Pam were all together in the
cafeteria, discussing the recent events. 
        
"So how big is the repair bill this time?" Heather asked.
        
"You don't want to know," Toni told her.
        
"Great. Where was Karl during all this, I'd like to know. I haven't seen him
since he took a DNA sample from me three days ago."
        
"He's been shacked up in his lab since then, I imagine. Probably missed the
whole thing," Mike said.
        
Just then, Dr. Stoopenstein came in, but he was being carried by his belt by
Frances, who was saying, "All right, you. I've had enough of your following me
around."
        
Heather took one look at Frances and dropped her fork. Everyone else was
gaping in astonishment.
        
"I'm gonna kill him!!!!" Heather cried, and leapt over three tables to tackle
the pair and rend indiscriminately. Mike and Pam immediately dove in to break
up the brawl, and Toni just watched while she plucked the tastiest morsels
from everyone's plate.
        
Just then Cherry popped up and said, "This is fate," before helping himself to
some of the food as well.


Preview of next week's episode.
--------------------------------------


What happens when all the heroes of the Robotech Saga arrive with severe
depression (and really, when aren't they depressed?) and lose their will to
continue? The bad guys attack, of course! Who is the mystery girl that shy
Nurse Mike has a date with. Find out as the characters of the Robotech Saga
guest star in "Basic Macek."

(begin closing credits, to tune of  "Addicted to Love")

Her tiny horns
Her emerald hair
Her tiger stripes
Are everywhere
The way she talks
The way she cries 
An oni girl
With a surprise
She fell in love
With Ataru
The kind of thing
Karma can do
Her pointy teeth
Her pointy ears
Rumiko's best
For twenty years

Oh I've gotten every manga anime and toy
Oh Yeah!
I'm an otaku and I
Can't get enough
It seems I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to Lum

I simply love
The way she flies
Her anger just
Electrifies
She say "Dahling"
It sounds real cool
Her bathing suit
Makes the guys drool
And she's so fine
It gives me chills
An empty space
Is what she fills
And one more thing
I gotta say
If she gets dubbed
I'll make them pay!

Oh I don't care about the other Tomobiki girls
Oh No!
I'm an otaku and I
Can't get enough
You know I'm gonna have to face it 
I'm addicted to Lum

Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum

Not Shinobu
She's mean you know
Miss Sakura
Is too Shinto
Forget that Ran
Forget Benten
I'll stick with Lum
Until the end

Oh I wish that I could watch her all of the time
Oh Yeah!
I'm an otaku and I
Can't get enough
So now I'm gonna have to face it 
I'm addicted to Lum

Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
Might as well face it I'm addicted to Lum
(fade)