"Rumic Dwarf"
By Henry J. Cobb
$Id: rumic_dwarf1.txt,v 1.3 1998/04/18 15:18:56 hcobb Exp hcobb $

The characters are the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and the situations are
strongly influenced by Grant and Naylor.

No infringement of their copyrights is intended.

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I double-checked the scanners and then turned my chair around.  "I found
it!"

"Found what?"  Shutaro didn't look up from the Shogi set.  "If this is
another naughty asteroid Ataru..."

"No, I found the ship."

"Another abandoned hulk?  I hope it's not one we've scavenged before."
Shutaro picked up one of his pieces and moved it.

Megane responded instantly by pushing his finger through one of his
pieces, causing it to blink and then pushing through Shutaro's piece,
causing it's capture.

"It's our ship, the Rumic Dwarf!"  I hated it when those two guys ignored
me.  Here I was, the last man alive and they treated me like an idiot.

"What?"  The hologram and the android rushed to their consoles.

After checking the scans, Megane looked up.  "Ataru you idiot!"  The
android adjusted his glasses.  "Why'd you pull a stupid stunt like this?"

"What?"

"Yes,"  Shutaro looked up from his console, "if you're going to go to all
the effort of faking the sensor report at least make sure that the call
sign matches."

"What?"

"Look here."  Shutaro pointed to the screen.  "JMCSS-235 ``Rumic Dwarf''."

"Yeah, so?"

"The number of our ship is JMCSS-233 you idiot!"

"But, I'm not faking it!"

"Oh, let him have his fun."  Megane turned back to the game board.

"Do you think it's space madness?"  Shutaro studied his position.

"You jerks just remember the number wrong."  I started to plot a docking
course.  I managed my usual smooth landing.

"What was that bump?"  Megane got back to his feet.

"We've docked."  I walked over to the airlock.

"To what?"  Shutaro looked at the hanger deck out the main view screen.
"Ataru, you're taking this space madness too far."

As they followed me out the airlock, the two jerks paused and looked
around the hanger deck.

I walked up to one of the display screens in the hanger, "Sakura dear,
I'm home!"

"Hello, I'm Kasumi", an unfamiliar woman's face popped onto the display,
"can I help you?"  She seemed to be fairly ordinary, with her hair
pulled back into a simple ponytail and not at all the starry beauty I
was expecting.

"Where's Sakura?"

"I don't know any Sakura.  Could you please rephrase your query?"

"Where's Sakura?, the main computer of the Rumic Dwarf!"

"I am the main computer of the Rumic Dwarf."

"Since when?"

"For slightly over three million years."

"Damn!"

"What is it now Ataru?"  Shutaro had walked up.

"Somebody's swiped Sakura!"

"What?!?"

"Look at this, the computer says it's got no record of her."

"Could it be a malfunction or another one of her jokes, like that Cherry
figure she kept popping up?"

"I sure hope so."

"Hold it right there you three!"  A woman stepped out of the shadows with
a blaster rifle at the ready.  She had big black eyes, short bluish-black
hair, was dressed in a Jupiter Mining Corporation uniform and I could
sense something...

"A babe, a real live human woman!"  I ran to her with my arms stretched
out, but was stopped short by a blaster shot.

We all turned in the direction of that shot and saw a man in rough
homespun clothing with a black and yellow bandana tied around his head.

"Back away from Akane!"  He ordered, showing his fangs.

"What are you two doing on the Rumic Dwarf?"  Shutaro demanded, the light
flashing from the image of a metallic H on his forehead.

"What are we doing here?"  Akane asked.  "I'm the last survivor of the
crew of the Rumic Dwarf."

"Actually, I'm the last survivor miss."  I popped to her side.  "But,
we're happy to have you aboard."  I tried to kiss her hand, but she hit me
with the butt of her blaster.

"Back off creep!"  She turned her weapon back around to cover us.  "Make
sure you keep them covered Ryouga!"

"Sorry, he just popped over next to you, like he teleported or something."
The man in the rough clothing replied.

"I'm sure we can handle this without violence."  Shutaro turned back to
the console.  "Sakura, who is this woman?"

"I told you, I'm Kasumi, not Sakura, and what is your authorization
please?"

"Shutaro Mendou, engineers mate, 1st class."

"I'm sorry, but I show no record of a Shutaro Mendou."  The computer avatar
replied.

"I'm dead, please look up under holograms or deceased personnel."

"No such record found."

"Now that we've established who the true crew are, I'd like to thank you
for returning the Starbug, but where is Ukyou?"  Akane asked.

"Aw, you just reprogramed the computer."  I stood back up.  "And who's
this Ukyou?"

"She's our android chef.  She took that Starbug to look for okonomiyaki
supplies and never came back."  Akane narrowed her eyes at us.

"I'm sorry Akane," The computer interrupted her, "but it wasn't this
Starbug."

"Why not Kasumi?"  Akane turned to the console.

"I'm sorry, but the serial numbers don't match."

"So they faked the serial number on the craft."

"No dear, none of the serial numbers on any of the parts in that Starbug
match.  And I have no record of any of them.  This Starbug must be from a
ship built after I was launched."

"OK, so you didn't abduct our android.  You still have no right to be
aboard our ship."

"Ah, Akane dear?"

"Yes Kasumi, what is it?"

"Our main sensors are back online."

"OK thanks, now can I go back to questioning these intruders?"

"I'm sorry dear, but I'm picking up another ship on the scanners and it's
coming this way."

"What?"  All five of us ran towards the bridge.

"What are you three doing?"  Akane asked.

"It's our duty as Jupiter Mining Corporation employees to ensure the
security of its property."  Shutaro replied.

"But you're not Jupiter Mining Corporation employees, our computer has no
record of you three."

"Just like it has no record of our Starbug?"  I asked as I took the
pilot's seat.

Akane handed her blaster to Ryouga, glared at me and took the copilot's
seat.

That's OK, as the last human couple alive, she's got no choice.  She'll
come around once she sees what a great guy I am.  I took one look at the
scans and my blood ran cold.  "Let's get out of here quick!"

"Why, what is it?  I'm not familiar with that type of craft, is it a
missile?"  Akane asked.

"No, worse, it's Oni!  They're a race of ruthless space pirates.  We've
got to escape now!"

"Do you think?"  Megane asked.

"Could be..."  Shutaro started combing back his hair.

"Darling, I know you're in there!"  That voice announced over the
speakers.

"It's the misses!"  Megane and Shutaro shouted happily.

"Misses?"  Akane asked, while I was frozen in shock.

"Ataru's wife, Lum."  Megane replied.

"You're married to an alien?"  Akane asked.

"That's her idea!"  I tried evasive maneuvers, but Lum performed her usual
docking.

When the smoke cleared, Lum flew up to the bridge and gave me one of her
usual electric hugs.  "Darling!"

"How many times I gotta tell you, no lighting on the bridge!"  I grabbed
Lum and Akane and jumped away as the console exploded.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb
    Erosion raises mountains.