A couple months in the making. Curse you, J Austin Wilde! ;)
[Yeah, what Mike said! :)]
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Star Wars - A Faint Hope
Century of the Fruitbat Productions
Screenplay by Lara Bartram and Mike Loader
The sounds of blaster fire echoed through the corridors of
the Corellian blockade runner. This was fairly normal; at
least, normal for when small illicit craft are forcibly
stopped and boarded by Imperial Star Destroyers.
Stormtroopers prefer to shoot first and ask for surrenders
later.
And so, Her Royal Highness, Princess Leia Organa of
Alderaan, did the smart thing and ran like hell for the
farthest part of the ship from the hatch.
She was expendable. The plans weren't.
So she had to find a suitable astromech droid, one who
could safely hold the precious data and get it safely to the
general.
And here, just around the corner, was a tiny blue R2 model.
Leia vaguely remembered as belonging to the other member
of royalty on board the ship. Nerima was a world
sympathetic to the rebellion, so the droid should be a safe
bet.
"Here, little fellow," she called softly. The droid glanced
over at her, and its sensor brightened with a somewhat
unnerving glint. Bleeping enthusiastically, it scuttled over to
the waiting Princess.
Fishing in her belt, Leia drew out the precious datacard.
"You've got to take this message to General Kenobi on the
planeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEYAAAHHH!"
Outraged, Leia quickly jumped back out of the reach of the
aptly named grasping arm. The tiny droid beeped, the sound
somehow lecherous, and retracted the appendage. To her
horror, she noticed a black silk undergarment gripped tightly
in the claw...
It suddenly felt... drafty.
Her cheeks reddening, Leia hurried off. Captain Antillies
had an astromech; it'd do just fine.
R2-HT gave a mechanical chirp of glee, stowed the royal
panties in an inner comparment, and trundled off. Whatta
haul! Whatta haul! Boy, wouldn't C-KN0 be jealous!
"Yo, droid!"
HT's perverted little sensors twitched. The mistress!
Sweetums!
"I gotta datacard here for you..."
Droids can't grin. R2-HT did anyway.
***
"...and bring me the passengers. I want them alive!"
With a menacing flick of his cape, Darth Vader stormed off
the bridge of the captured blockade runner. Every stormtrooper
present breathed a heartfelt sigh of relief.
It wasn't that Vader was scary. Midterms at the Carida
Academy were scary. Large, trooper-eating snakes were scary.
Rebels with thermal detonators and maniac grins were scary.
But the Dark Lord of the Sith made all of those look like a
comfy evening in front of the fire with a mug of hot tea and
mother knitting something. People in his presence were too
busy being terrified to be scared.
"Remember, he's on my side," hapless servants of the Empire
used to tell themselves in a vain effort to keep from soiling
their regulation white-on-black undergarments. Then some
thoughtful numberpusher casually mentioned in a post on the
MilWeb that Lord Vader had killed over 145 times the amount
of Imperial troops as he had Rebels.
The Fervent Tyranny Overthrow Cell, a splinter group from
the Alliance, intercepted this message and promptly awarded
the Dark Lord their highest honors.
Glad to have escaped alive, the stormtroopers hauled up the
body of the dead Corellian captain and began to trundle him off.
And then the bridge door opened, revealing a shape in black
body armor.
Oh no, was the silent thought. Vader's come back. We're all
dead.
Coolant mist swirling theatrically around him, the Dark Lord
deliberately trod forward and seized the dead captain by the
throat in a viselike grip. Slowly raising the corpse, he looked
directly into its slack features, the dead eyes reflected in the
lenses of his helmet.
"Where is the transmission you intercepted?"
Relief mixed with embarrassment as the stormtroopers
silently looked somewhere else. It wasn't Vader after all.
"Well?"
The platoon leader cleared his throat. "Er. Lord Ono?"
The figure in black turned to regard him. "Yes?"
"Er. Um, that man's dead, sir. Sorry, sir."
Lord Tofu Ono, the other Dark Lord of the Sith, carefully
wiped the lenses of his helmet with his free hand, then
examined his prisoner once again. "Hmm. So he is."
"Lord Vader broke his neck," chimed in a recruit. The platoon
leader winced. Ono scowled, and angrily tossed the body aside.
"Lord Vader," he said, voice dripping with spite, "is a clumsy,
egotistical, joke of an amateur. He doesn't know the first thing
about proper use of the Force, or chiropractic techniques."
Most of the stormtroopers wisely stayed silent. The recruit
sniggered.
Lord Ono glared at him, and casually tapped the recruit's
armor with a gloved pinkie. The platoon leader, who had
worked under Ono before, shuddered.
"Tear this ship apart until..."
"...we find the plans? Lord Vader already...."
Tofu snarled. "Vader, Vader, Vader! He's not the only student
of the Emperor, you know! He's not even the first one! I was!"
This was true, and most of the stormtroopers knew it.
Emperor Palpatine, needing a right-hand man for his
consolidation of power and extermination of the Jedi, had set
his sights on the skilled young Jedi Chiropractor. Tofu had,
after a brief struggle, become the mildly-feared servant of
fairly unpleasant behavior that he was today.
It was also true that the Emperor, after muttering something
about 'back to the drawing board', had then carefully ignored
Tofu's existance and turned his efforts to one Anakin
Skywalker.
Thus, while Vader purposefully strode forth on missions
from his master aimed at crushing the Rebel Alliance, Ono
tended to meander around on rather pointless quests of his
own.
The best way to deal with him, as the platoon leader knew,
was to respectfully acknowledge his every command, salute
smartly, and then never get around to carrying out his orders.
"Er, Lord Ono," he began hesitantly, "we'll let you know if we
find the plans for the Death Star. Just as soon as we..."
Tofu flicked a black-gloved hand dismissively. "Feh, who
cares about the Death Star? Your mission, Trooper, is to find
the plans for Project J that were beamed to this ship. At once.
Is that clear?"
"Yessir," barked the platoon leader, saluting crisply.
"Good. Call me when you find them." Turning, the Dark Lord of
the Sith stormed into a wall, swore, wiped the coolant mist
off his helmet lenses, and sheepishly slunk out the door.
Sighing, the platoon leader turned to the recruit. "Son... that
was real dumb. Everyone knows that Lord Ono'll stand just
about anything but disrespect. And now look at what's
happened."
The novice stormtrooper made a rude noise. "Feh. So he poked
me. Big deal. A REAL Dark Lord, like Darth Vader, would have
auuughhhaggggghhhjjjhgfddffhhj*splat*gish*blorp*"
The platoon leader shook his head sadly. "Men, flush what's
left of Trooper Gelik down the commode." Lord Ono wasn't as
bloody-minded as Vader, but he was still an incredibly
powerful Dark Jedi with a extensive knowlege of pressure
points and the human body. Armor didn't help. It just prevented
the liquid remains of the ex-stormtrooper from making a mess
on the floor.
"And the plans he mentioned, sir?"
"Bugger that. Vader told us to find the passengers, so we find
the passengers."
***
C-KN0 turned the corner, looking to retrieve his
diminuitive, yet quite lecherous companion, R2-HT. How he
despised the little droid, but it seemed that they were in the
firefight together and thus had to work together to escape in
one piece. Or at least, for him to escape; the fate of the
astromech was secondary.
Turning down another corridor, he caught sight of R2-
HT at the other end, and there was a strange woman with
him. A strange, buxom, lithe, red-haired woman, kneeling
down enticingly in something sheer and clingy. Or maybe he
was just imagining it and she was really dressed in a red
shirt and black pants.
C-KN0 could feel his wires begin to melt as he
watched the woman with R2-HT for a moment. Unable to
control himself any longer, he shuffled as quickly as
possible toward the two. "Oh beauteous one, waste not your
attention on that lesser droid!" he yelled, waving his hand at
her.
She looked up at him, blue eyes flashing, then looked
down at R2-HT. She fiddled with something then swatted
away one of the droid's claws, and ran off down the corridor.
Finally reaching R2-HT, C-KN0 looked longingly after
the woman. "Who was that enticing creature?"
R2-HT practically bounced up and down in place,
beeping and whistling excitedly.
"A mission? She wishes us to complete a mission for
her? If such a beautiful woman asks a favor of us, then how
can we deny her desires? Behold! C-KN0, renowned protocol
droid of the galaxy shall..."
R2-HT chirped annoyedly at him.
"Yes, yes... And R2-HT, lecherous astromech, shall stop
at nothing to fulfill our given mission!" C-KN0 adopted a
heroic pose, then looked down at R2. "What was the
mission?"
R2-HT told the other droid what had happened, knowing
C-KN0 wouldn't believe a word he had said. That was one
thing about the translator droids that could always be
counted on. Predictability. It also made them great to play
pranks on.
"Indeed. A princess and secret plans... Very well, we shall go!"
If it was possible for robots to facefault or sweat or do
anything not related to real life, R2-HT had just done it.
"Escape is our first order of business. To the escape
pods!" C-KN0 headed toward the closest bank of emergency
lifepods with R2-HT following.
The tiny droid had the feeling that he was getting into
something very, very bad. But anything for that cute
princess! R2-HT sped down the corridor, past C-KN0.
"The Princess was a most fetching creature indeed," C-
KN0 sighed as they walked. "And to think, she required our
help..."
*Bwoop beep dweep whistle* R2-HT answered,
humming in place. His display lights were flashing wildly as
they made their way to the escape pods. The sounds of
blaster fire had ceased, but they knew they weren't out of
the proverbial woods yet.
C-KN0 made a disgusted sound. "You shall not speak to
me in such a manner. When did they start programming
astromechs with such foul tongues?" Shaking his head at the
fate of being cursed with the lecherous R2-HT, C-KN0
wished for an industrial laser to take care of his companion.
"This way, you cretinous little slug," the translator
droid said as the two turned down a grated passage. "Why
she would ever consider a foul trash compacted heap a
suitable courier is beyond even my immense comprehension."
*Dwoop bee fip boop woo* The R2 unit's lights were
flickering crazily again.
"And she appeared none to grateful for your...
attentions." As possible as it is for a droid to sneer, C-KN0
did it. "That grasping claw is a tool, not an extension of your
lechery!"
Summarily ignoring his unwanted companion, R2-HT
continued to reminisce about the kawaii little princess that
had put her hands all over him. *Whistle woo beep bip*
"No, I do not believe she will be 'slipping you' any more
plans!" C-KN0 rapped sharply on R2-HT's dome-shaped top,
who approximated a droid snicker. "Cease such ignoble
comments about the princess, or you shall be summarily
blasted out an airlock!"
R2-HT whistled forlornly, then chirped happily as the
two reached the escape pods.
"While my sentiments may be similar, she would
invariably choose me as her translator over you as her
astromech. You are nothing more than a peasant mechanical
droid to her, while I am versed in the finer arts of
diplomatic process and..."
The little forked appendage that came out of a recently
opened door on the R2 unit's trunk touched the reflective
metallic skin of C-KN0's leg, sending a burst of electricity
jolting through the taller droid.
C-KN0's words became garbled as the current played
havoc with his speech center.
R2-HT withdrew the extremity and rolled over to the
escape pod access panel, leaving the translator droid
gibbering behind him. Using his computer access rod, R2
tried to activate the pods. Turning back to see C-KN0
recovering, he beeped slyly.
C-KN0 knocked himself in the head once to clear his
sensors, then turned a cross pair of visual detectors on the
squat robot. "No, I do not believe the Princess would care to
see your computer access 'member' or witness your speed at
'data retrieval'. Our first priority is to see through on the
mission the fiery-haired Princess has given to us."
R2-HT returned to accessing the escape pods only to
discover they had all been jettisoned. Making a sound that
could have been interpreted as 'uh oh', he stopped accessing
the computer.
"And what obstacle might we have encountered this
time? Hm?" C-KN0 tapped expectantly on R2-HT. "We must
not let anything stand in our way."
Retracting his access rod, R2 backed away from the
panel. Now just what were they supposed to do now? C-KN0
couldn't get them out; he couldn't formulate a crew list for a
freighter, let alone an escape plan. It was up to him to get
things done.
Speeding away, paying no mind to C-KN0's questions,
R2-HT was forming a serious plan.
"You two droids, stop where you are!"
The two stopped in place and turned in unison. Neither
was particularly afraid, as the Empire in general was far too
conceited and egotistical for its own good, but they didn't
want to fail the princess.
"And what evilness have you visited upon our..." C-KN0
began.
"Good. We could use a translator droid," the trooper in
the lead said.
"What for, sir?"
"Have you ever tried to understand a cantina full of
half-drunk aliens who can barely tell you their own name?
It's not easy."
Several other troopers nodded in agreement. Blasting
them was always a last resort, but it was important to
appear in control, even when there was a complete failure to
communicate.
"You think that I would step foot into any of the filthy
establish..."
"Yeah, this one'll do. Grab the little one too, just in
case. It might come in handy if we have problems."
"Remove your hands from my person," C-KN0 ordered as
a pair of stormtroopers grabbed his arms and began to drag
him away.
"Save it until we're ready for you, droid."
*** *** ***
R2-HT beeped softly at C-KN0.
"I am unaware of our purpose aboard this ship.
Whenever I attempt to get an explanation, I am most rudely
cut off," C-KN0 returned quietly.
R2 continued his quiet noises, seeing several of the
troopers nearby look over at them.
"And what, pray tell, is wrong with how I speak? My
speech patterns have served me for many years as a highly
successful translator, and now I am expected to abandon
what I have achieved so much doing?" C-KN0's voice was
rising in volume. "Nay! It is that which..."
More troopers looked over at the sudden silence,
watching R2-HT withdraw the electrically charged prod he
had just put to use. Several sighs of relief were heard.
Safely en route to the surface of the planet Tatooine,
the stormtroopers were beginning to get antsy in the
company of the two droids. The little one wasn't too bad, but
there was definitely a threatening air about it, and the
translator... Lord help whoever he had to translate for.
Straws were being drawn for who would be stuck with it.
Recovering, C-KN0 looked down at the little R2 unit.
"You vile, little scrap-heap. You do know that I utterly
despise you, don't you?"
Several troopers had their hands resting on their
blaster rifles, wondering if too big a commotion would be
started.
One of the officers chose that moment to make an
appearance at that time much to the delight of R2-HT. Even
though her hair was pinned up under the hat and she wore the
same drab uniform as the others, there was no mistaking her
gender.
Sensor flaring to life, making some very... impolite
noises, R2-HT quickly advanced on the female officer with
all appendages extended. Sweeto! It was the most
frightening moment of the officer's life, even eclipsing the
brief meeting she had had with Lord Vader.
"Shoot this little monster!" she yelled, pointing at the
droid.
Blasters were leveled, ready to happily comply with the
order.
"Hold! As detestable as I find my companion, we have
pressing matters to attend to. Blasting him would impair
our ability to complete the mission, and that would
invariably disappoint the beauteous princess..."
With amazing self-control, R2 turned away from the
officer and beeped annoyedly, again, at C-KN0.
"Nonsense. Knowing the importance of our mission,
they shall no doubt release us and assist us to deliver the
plans for the Prin..."
R2-HT made a sound that was almost... dangerous.
"Your feeble threats do not frighten me." Moving quickly
for a droid with locked joints, C-KN0 pulled out of thin air
apparently...
"Where'd it get that stick?" one trooper asked.
"Beats me. I've never seen a droid move that fast
before."
"You idiots! Get rid of these two mechanical rejects!"
the officer yelled.
Absorbed in their argument over the mission, waving
sticks and electrically charged appendages around, the two
droids didn't even notice the troopers slowly moving in on
them.
Unexpectedly, the protocol droid swung his stick in a
wide arc, missing the shorter astromech, and hit one of the
troopers in the chest. Only his armor saved him from a
horrible bruise.
Stumbling back a little, tripping over someone's foot,
the trooper landed square on his rump, accidentally firing off
his blaster.
Everyone ducked as the shot ricocheted around the ship
until it struck an unawares pilot, killing the sap instantly.
There was silence except for the two droids arguing loudly
still. C-KN0 swung his stick again, striking another trooper
accidentally, knocking him into the others.
Putting one hand over her face, the officer shook her
head. "Fine. I guess I do this myself then." Watching the two
battle and babble, the officer went ahead and released the
docking safeties, opening the airlock that the two were
standing on.
As the two were sucked out of the ship and sent
hurtling through the atmosphere of the planet, not even
knowing how fortunate they were that were not in outer
space, C-KN0 yelled, "Cowards!"
Then he got down to the business of panicking at the
fact that impact would most likely send him scattering in
several thousand parts across the planet surface. Unless he
could somehow break his fall by landing on R2-HT...
There was no time, however, as the ground was coming
up fast, and it appeared that they might land on those two...
black... dots...
Jawas tend to spend much of their dull, squat,
verminous little lives doing things with droids. Selling them
was the most common thing. Repairing them was another...
well, at least making them look repaired, anyway. Some
particularly pathetic Jawas even slept with them, because
it's hard to get a date on Saturday night when you're a filthy,
three-foot-high humanoid rat clothed in rags that a leper
would wrinkle his nose in disgust in. But no Jawa had ever
actually been killed by a droid. Until now.
*WHAM!*
Two of the little humanoids were wiped out right there
and then as R2-HT and C-KN0 landed right on top them,
turning the area in a 15 foot circle around them into a giant
smear of Jawa bits.
***
Jawas are one of the few things about Tattooine that are
even remotely famous.
In major, urban, cosmopolitan worlds like Coruscant,
Corellia, and Vertide, a thriving trade is done in Jawa dolls,
plushies, virtual pets, and air-fresheners. This is because
the Jawa profile is cute and cuddly, with the pointy hood and
button eyes and adorable waddle. And they have bandoleers
and guns, which appeals to the intergalactic equivalent of
rednecks and 10-year-old boys.
And so, most sentient beings who ever hear of the race go
through life thinking that Jawas are cute.
This is a reasonable but enormous mistake.
Possibly, if you gave a Jawa a industrial strength bath, a
tailor-made robe, enough odor eaters to freshen a skunk
colony, a manicure, and a acting lesson... well, it probably
still wouldn't be cute, but it would be closer.
The closest thing to a cute Jawa is a dead one. If nothing
else, it improves the smell and removes the fear that they
might try to touch you.
Two Jawas of the Gaaaahp'oootie Parasitic Scavenger
Collective were currently trying to attain cuteness over a
quarter-mile radius. Their less cuddly but still living
companions stared at the droids that had caused this. The
one or two Jawas with what passed for a sense of hygene
absently brushed bits of entrail off their clothing, and licked
their lips.
C-KN0 slowly sat up, and took stock of the situation. He
was in one piece, which was good. He was covered with some
sort of gore, which was bad. R2-HT was bleeping and half
buried in the sand, which was good. There were a number of
small, grubby-looking creatures clustering around him,
which was bad.
"Avert thy gaze, base knaves!" he said in Magrat, trade
tongue of barely-sentient creatures who infest spaceports.
While it was uncertain if the little creatures even knew
what a spaceport was, they looked like experts on infesting.
The Jawas chattered to each other in a squeaky, primitive
tongue for a few seconds. C-KN0 stood, and with great
dignity brushed shreds of Jawa from his faux-golden
surface, pretending not to listen. He was fluent in over three
million forms of communication, but this wasn't one of them.
Still, he was a fast learner when it came to languages, and it
gradually began to make some sort of sense.
"Ochee gas sell mukgah out of the blue eechebee?"
"Go-nah toku squashed ootah felkii flat!"
"Muso gamp should visdis kak shoot them."
C-KN0 quivered with outrage. The nerve!
"So, thou wouldst shoot the noble C-KN0 and his companion
in metal? Doubtless delaying our quest on behalf of the most
beautious pig-tailed princess? Feel the wrath of the Golden
Translator of Furinkan Cybernetics, squat offal!"
Thunder crashed somewhere in the background.
The Jawas watched in sheer disbelief as the droid from the
sky whipped out a stick and charged.
After watching him beat five of their number to a bloody
pulp, they shot him repeatedly.
The astromech buried upside-down in the sand didn't look
like much of a threat, but they shot it too. Just in case.
***
These are the Jundland wastes.
They are treacherous, forbidding, barren. Sandpeople live in
them, and greet travellers in their own special ethnic way.
Despite this - or, perhaps because of this - moisture
farmers persistantly cluster around the fringes, ekeing out a
living by growing things that could probably be grown much
more easily somewhere else.
Moisture farmers came in many different sexes, races, and
sizes, but they all had one thing in common. They weren't
young, and they had pretty much had it with the outside
galaxy. This worked out fine, because the outside galaxy had
usually pretty much had it with them.
The current crop of farmers in the Anchorhead area
contained three ex-smugglers, two former lawyers, a
Senator in the Old Republic, four fleet officers from the
wrong side of the Clone Wars, a Barabel with a vast
collection of stormtrooper helmets, the foster parents of
Darth Vader's son, and a widower named Soun Tendo.
At the moment, this individual was crying his eyes out.
"Wah! My only remaining daughter's going to leave me all
alone in my old age!"
Kasumi Tendo frowned slightly. "Now father, that's not so.
I just said that eventually I might consider leaving the farm,
that's all."
Soun sniffled, and carefully examined his eldest child. She
smiled back at him, patted him on the head, and wandered
into the kitchen. "You just sit down, father, and I'll bring you
a nice cup of tea."
Sighing, Soun sank into an armchair. He knew he was a bit
overprotective, but... he couldn't help it. Ever since losing his
wife and two youngest daughters in that freak nerf herding
accident, he found himself constantly worrying about his
eldest daughter, now his sole heir.
If it weren't for the fact that continuing the family line
required two people, he wouldn't even let her go into town on
weekends. As it was, she had begun dating that Darklighter
boy... but he moved away last year, and Soun had gotten the
impression that she had been going out with him simply
because it was expected. Hints on his part that she might try
a date with the Skywalker boy were met with the pleasant,
slightly bemused look that she normally gave his more
ridiculous ideas. His daughter seemed to prefer older men,
and Luke had the spiritual age of a energetic puppy.
He sighed. Getting Kasumi a decent husband was proving to
be a major headache. Young people just didn't stay around
this place; they applied to the Academy, or bought passage to
a major world, or took the Jabba the Hutt Scholarship for
Promising Young Sentients.
Emerging from the kitchen with a cup of scrub tea, Kasumi
carefully set it on the table near his chair. "I'm going into
town to do some shopping, father. Is there anything you
need?"
Soun's brow wrinkled. "Hmm. A newspaper, two pipes of
tabac, and see if you can find us some replacements for the
droids the Tusken stole."
"Okay!"
"And please don't buzz the Hamthax's place again. They
called to complain the other night."
"Oh dear. All right, father."
As his daughter walked out the door, Soun fished out two
pieces of cotton wool and carefully stuffed them in his ears.
*vvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!*
As soon as the vase on the corner shelf stopped shaking, he
removed the wool.
The Jundland wastes were hostile, barren, forbidden, and
very, very boring. So young people did what young people
always do in such places - drive souped-up vehicles at
ludicrous speeds through narrow, dangerous areas.
In an area noted for this, Kasumi Tendo was widely
regarded as the Nicest Person In The Anchorhead Area, Most
Likely To Make Some Lucky Man A Great Wife, and Most Likely
To Smear Herself All Over A Canyon If She Keeps Driving
That Repulsorlift With Seats The Way She Does.
***
Everyone liked Kasumi.
More specifically, everyone liked Kasumi when she wasn't
driving.
Pulling her horribly overengined landspeeder to a
screeching halt, she gingerly got out of the driver's seat and
walked into the streets of Anchorhead. People smiled,
waved, and noted where she was parked for future avoiding.
She hadn't gone more that a block before the Jawas flagged
her down.
Kasumi was possibly the only resident of the area who
would, when confronted by apparently crazed Jawas
frantically waving their hands, smile pleasantly instead of
shooting them.
"Good morning!"
^!Droids! You want Droids?!^
"Oh. Well, actually, I am looking for...."
^!Good! They're yours! Take them!^
Kasumi blinked. While she usually had little trouble with
buying things, the little merchant wasn't making much sense.
"How much...."
^!We'll pay you 20!^
"Pay me 20?"
^!Okay! 30! Deal?^ Without even waiting for the puzzled
moisture farmer to nod, the Jawas frantically hustled two
bound and gagged droids out of a nearby alleyway. Kasumi
stood, bemused, as they shoved an ownership datacard and 30
coins into her hands, laughed insanely, and ran like hell.
This was most odd, Kasumi thought. While people often
gave her free samples, no-one had ever paid her money to
accept valuable machines before.
Oh well. Never look a gift droid in the circuits.
With some difficulty, she managed to remove the gag from
the large golden one.
"At last! Liberated from the vile clutches of those
repulsive peasant scum! Back in the surface of a honorable
liege!" The translator droid bowed. "I am C-KN0, noble
protocol droid. And the astromech you have so wisely kept
muffled is my counterpart, R2-HT. We are both at your
service, Lord...?"
"I'm Kasumi Tendo," she responded. "My, what a bargain. Do
you speak Bocce?"
C-KN0 sniffed slightly. "I comprehend the language of
every civilized race worth mentioning. Oh, and Jawas, too."
"How about binary moisture vaporators?'
The droid looked taken aback. "What might those be? They
sound suspiciously like something involving manual labor."
C-KN0 somehow managed to invest the last two words with
a degree of odiousness usually only found in pairings like
'gang rape', 'child molesting', or 'tax audit'.
This wasn't good, Kasumi thought. The main reason the
farm needed droids was for those vaporators. Perhaps the
little one knew how to handle them? Kneeling, she began to
work the bonds off the R2 unit.
Behind her, C-KN0 fidgeted alarmedly. "Lord Tendo..."
"Oh dear, just Kasumi."
"Miss Kasumi, you might want to wait to release that
malodorous little robot until there are more people around,
ones with blasters or electric bantha prods..."
"Oh, I'm sure I'll make due."
C-KN0 winced as the last durarope came loose, and waited
for the inevitable cacophony of letcherous beeps and female
screams.
To his vast surprise, R2-HT bleeped pleasantly, performed
a systems check, and rattled off a series of electronic clicks
for the protocol droid's benefit.
"Why... ahem... Master Kasumi, he wishes to inform you that
he is well acquainted with vaporator operation." With an
amazed look, C-KN0 listened to another flurry of beeping.
"He.. he says he's eager to see them and whip them into shape
for you? R2-HT, are you feeling quite well?"
Kasumi beamed at the little astromech, and fondly patted
the dome. "My, what a handy little fellow."
R2-HT bleeped endearingly.
"Now, if you two will wait right here, I'll be right back
with some groceries for you to carry."
As their new master walked off, C-KN0 stared at his
companion in disbelief. "I must say, for once you behaved
with decorum and gentility. Have you picked up a flutter?"
The little droid bleeped puzzledly. To tell the truth, it had
no idea whatsoever why it hadn't gone for a cheap feel. Odd,
that.
***
Kasumi hummed happily as she walked back to her landspeeder. The
two droids following her were less so. "And why did you agree to help
this young lady? She works us as if we are slaves," C-KN0 seethed to
R2-HT.
R2-HT, still running a full internal systems diagnostic,
ignored him and continued rolling along behind their new master...
mistress... Sweeto!
His grasping claw shot out to acquire a new souvenir, but halted
in mid pinch. He couldn't do it. Violating his new mistress'
undergarments just seemed so... wrong. He intensified his diagnostic
efforts.
"Whatever is that worrisome whirring noise?" Kasumi asked, turning
to look at the two droids. There appeared to be some sort of smoke
pouring out of the little R2's top.
"Oh dear!" Hurrying back to relieve the unit of its burden,
she deposited everything R2-HT had been carrying on top of C-KN0's
impressive pile of groceries. She didn't notice as he toppled over
backwards.
"You poor little droid! What's happened?" Kasumi kneeled
down in front of R2, running her hands over his metal frame. She didn't
feel any damage and it didn't look damaged at all. What could be wrong to
cause so much smoke? "What did those Jawas do to you?"
The grinding, whirring noise in R2-HT stopped suddenly, and the
smoke dissipated eventually. In fact, a purring noise started.
Kasumi smiled and patted R2-HT. "Feeling better?" she asked
pleasantly.
R2 beeped in the affirmative as Kasumi stood, and the two headed
to the landspeeder.
"Now..." Kasumi stopped, realizing she had no idea what to call
the droids. "What should I..." When she turned to ask the protocol
droid, she noticed he wasn't there. Looking left and right, Kasumi
finally noticed the heap of groceries on the ground.
"Oh... oh no! The groceries!" She hurried over to the pile
and began picking things up. "I do hope the wamp rat steaks haven't been
dirtied."
She smiled as she lifted the bag with the steaks in it. It
was all intact. Apparently, C-KN0's face had stopped it from hitting the
ground.
"If you wouldn't find it an inconvenience..." he said,
struggling feebly under the immense pile.
"Maybe this is why those Jawas paid me to take you. This
little R2 unit seems quite helpful, and yet you have only caused trouble
so far." Kasumi tsked gently and began removing the groceries.
"Honestly, I don't know why Father insists on moisture
farming," Kasumi said to herself, frowning ever so slightly. "This dry
weather can't be good for his health, and he's getting too old to do the
work by himself when I leave..."
Kasumi helped C-KN0 back to his feet and dusted him off
somewhat. "There, now as I was saying," she said as she began loading the
groceries into the droid's arms again, "what can I do with a protocol
droid? If you don't want to help with the vaporators, then you're not
really that much good to us."
Kasumi was walking back to the speeder, talking almost to herself
again. "Maybe those nice Jawas would take you back... I'm sure they'd
find a use for you; then you'd feel important, I'm sure."
C-KN0 followed as quickly as he could. Things had taken a sudden
turn for the worse. He hadn't even gotten a chance to impress the young
lady with his knowledge of...
"Yes, I think that's what I'll do. R2-HT, did you see where
those Jawas went?"
Regretfully, R2 had not. He sure would have been happy to dump
that bump on a log C-KN0 if he could, too. Then he could have the pretty
lady all to himself. If droids could drool, he would have. As it was, he
burbled up a little lubricant.
"That's unfortunate." Kasumi stood with one hand on her
cheek, looking around. "I suppose I should just take you with me. Perhaps
Father will know what to do with you."
As the group and their groceries piled into the landspeeder,
bungie cording the two droids down since the engine was immense enough to
take up all passenger room, anyone who noticed Kasumi preparing to leave
cleared the streets.
Kasumi made sure everything was secured; it wouldn't do to have
groceries flying out the back. Daintily, she got behind the controls of
the speeder and smoothed her dress out before starting the engine.
To R2-HT and C-KN0's delicate audio sensors, it was like being in
the middle of a herd of mating banthas. Only the fact that droids had no
bladders to lose control of saved them from a bad case of rust.
Kasumi looked back at the two and smiled reassuringly. "It should
only take two hours or so to get back. Hold on."
"To whaaaaaaat?" C-KN0's voice was lost as the engine
thundered and the speeder was off.
*** ***
Soun sat glumly at home in the little kitchen area. He was
staring longingly at the unprepared food. He couldn't possibly hope to
make it himself, not without Kasumi. And Kasumi had talked about
leaving... Impossible! She couldn't or he'd be completely helpless. If
only his friend Saotome was there to help...
Lower lip quivering, Soun was unprepared for the sudden
earshattering blast of sound that shook the entire house, even though it
was underground. "KASUUUUMIIIII!" he yelled, which was impossible to hear
over the horrible roaring, until the engine noise stopped suddenly and
left him screaming at the top of his lungs.
Realizing the noise was gone, Soun stopped screaming and
removed his fingers from his ears. He shook his head, trying to get the
ringing to stop and the flashing lights to disappear.
"Mothra, come bone!"
Soun looked around in a blind panic. Who was there with him and
just what were they talking about? He shook his head again when he saw
Kasumi enter the kitchen. "KASUMI."
"Go fy, Mothra. Cuts za bottom?"
Soun stared at Kasumi for a moment. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
KASUMI?"
Kasumi winced. "Cot zo proud, Mothra."
Soun wedged his pinkie finger in one ear and tried to shake out
whatever was preventing him from hearing correctly.
"Father, is there something wrong? Why are you yelling?"
Kasumi asked, holding some groceries.
Soun got angry for almost an entire nanosecond before he gave in
to Kasumi's smile and began crying. "Ka-su-mi! Don't leave!" he
blubbered.
"But Father, I've just returned. I won't be leaving until..."
Kasumi looked at a calendar on the wall and flipped a couple pages. "Until
after dinner. But right now, I've got to do something with these droids.
They're just filthy."
Soun's tears dried. "Droids? What droids?"
Kasumi turned and pointed at the two mounds of groceries. "These
two. Some nice Jawas paid me to take them, and the R2 unit is so helpful,
I just couldn't leave them behind."
Soun stared at the groceries. "The Jawas paid you to take two
mechanical piles of groceries? How very odd. I've never known them to be
so... helpful before."
Kasumi giggled. "Oh my, no, Father. The droids are carrying the
groceries." She put all the groceries away with her usual speed and
grace. She obviously believed in applying her everyday skills to her
driving because those groceries were put up, shut up, zipped up, locked up
and thoroughly arranged neatly in the cupboards in about five seconds.
Soun, paying no mind to Kasumi's apparently superhuman grocery
abilities, looked thoughtfully at the droids. "They _are_ a ragged duo,
aren't they?" He walked in a circle around them making noises of doubt
and confirmation.
"The little one can work with the vaporators, Father."
"He can, can he? That will be useful..."
Kasumi smiled happily at that. Anything to get his mind off the
fact that she would be leaving to check out the landspeeder hot rod show
past the 600th sand dune after dinner.
"And what about this one? What does it do?" Sound asked,
poking C-KN0.
C-KN0 growled. "Peasants and lecherous machines, I am
surrounded by them!" He straightened up, some of his joints being bent
from the strain of the groceries, and tried to look dignified. The
crunching, grinding noise that came from the sand in his joints didn't
help a whole lot.
"I, known to my peers and masters, am known as C-KN0! The Golden
Translator of..."
His wondrous speech was cut off by Soun suddenly sticking his
fingers into places a polite droid doesn't allow. "It's filthy. Kasumi,
maybe you should clean them up. That should help its speech problem."
"Yes, Father. Come along and we'll have you clean by dinner."
"How dare you! Implying that I might..."
Kasumi hit the button and activated the restraining bolt on C-KN0.
It worked enough to shut him up for a time. "I said, come along. We
can't have droids tracking sand all over the house."
In the repair area, where Kasumi normally did her engine work,
C-KN0 was already in the hot oil. The sand was finally working its way
out of his joints and he no longer smelled like a pile of dirty Jawa
clothing. He sighed in relief.
Kasumi was working on R2-HT, cleaning the Jawa chunks off that
were really stuck on. "You two droids must have been through quite a
lot," Kasumi said as she scrubbed at a particularly stubborn glob. "I've
never seen..." She ran her finger across a spot of blackened...
something. "...a mess like this before, not even after Father
accidentally put that little Corellian saber hamster in the northern
vaporator."
"Oh dear," C-KN0 said quietly.
Kasumi finished scraping off the bits and moved on to cleaning out
the little nooks and crannies. She took a large, wedge-shaped tool and
tried to clean out the data slot in the front of R2-HT. "Oh dear, there's
something jammed in here quite tight."
"Most likely one of his purloined pieces of lingerie," C-KN0
offered from behind her.
"No, nothing like that." Kasumi twisted and pushed, trying to
work out whatever was jammed in the slot. "I wonder who could have done
this. I don't think it's..."
The tool snapped off at the handle and wedged inside R2-HT as
Kasumi fell back to her rump, dirtying her dress. She was about to
proclaim her dismay when the hologram appeared.
A small blurry image of a young girl with red hair pulled into a
braid appeared. There was an excited gasp from C-KN0 as he laid sensors
on the hologram.
"The vibrant pig-tailed princess," he said reverently.
"Princess? She doesn't look like a princess. She's not very
lady-like at all," Kasumi said as the message fragment started.
"...Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who," the holographic
princess said before apparently hitting something not in the hologram with
her closed fist.
The fragment replayed itself as the three watched it, Kasumi with
curiosity, C-KN0 with droid lust, and R2-HT with something no-one wanted
to identify.
"Obi Wan Kenobi? Who might that be? And where did this
message come from?" Kasumi asked.
"Most likely a stray purloined garter belt melted to his
circuits. He seems to find them pleasurable, though I could never fathom
the reason why."
"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" Kasumi calmly yanked the
broken tool from the data slot, causing the hologram to disappear. "Now,
to finish cleaning you up..."
*** ***
Kasumi was setting the table as Soun quietly read his morning
Anchorhead Times. More gangster activity, more smugglers and bounty
hunters, more Tusken raiders scalping Galaxy Spice Droids tickets... And
for those prices; raiders indeed.
Sitting down and politely clearing her throat, Kasumi set a plate
in front of her father. "Father..."
Soun set his paper aside. "Yes, Kasumi?"
Kasumi looked a little unsure of herself. "Father, do you
know... Obi Wan Kenobi?" A princess asking for Obi Wan Kenobi... she
wasn't sure she should be getting involved in things. "I thought he might
be some relation of Ben Kenobi, the next rocky chasm over."
"Obi Wan..." Soun said thoughtfully, then nodded. "Why yes.
Obi Wan Kenobi is Old Ben's real name. I think he started using Ben when
he started going to bars. The women seemed to like it more than Obi Wan.
I couldn't imagine why..."
"Ah." Kasumi began eating slowly. Just maybe she'd have to take
a detour before she went to the hot rod show.
*** ***
"And where, might I ask, are we traversing to?" C-KN0 asked,
shuffling across the rocky terrain behind Kasumi.
"We're going to find Obi Wan Kenobi. Now you must keep your voice
down. I don't want to run into any sandpeople; they're fairly vicious,
and get quite jealous of super-modified landspeeders. I just hope the
chrome vent covers are safe while we're gone."
R2-HT beeped a little, trying to keep it down.
"No, I do not believe they wear anything pink or lacy," C-KN0
answered him.
"You have to..." Kasumi's words died in her throat as a shape
loomed out of the darkness. "Oh my."
With a seal-like battle cry, the raider swung his bantha stick and
smacked C-KN0 squarely in the chest, sending the droid flying.
Fortunately, before it could do the same with the defenseless Kasumi,
there was a flash of greenish-blue light and the raider yowled in pain
before it fell to the ground, lifeless.
"Despicable creatures," a matronly voice was saying. "Are you all
right, dear?"
Kasumi, feeling slightly shaken up, but physically healthy,
nodded. "Yes, I just got a fright. I'm fine, and thank you for that."
"Think nothing of it. I've often had to deal with those
beasts. It's not something I enjoy doing." Whoever the woman was, she
was completely unphased by the killing and the body lying at her feet.
"What are you doing out here, dear? It's quite dangerous at this time of
night."
"I was looking for Ben Kenobi's residence. I have two droids that
have a message for him," Kasumi replied with ultimate politeness. If not
for the sand and the night sky and the dead body, they might have been
having tea together.
"What a coincidence. I am too. Shall I escort you there?"
"That would be lovely. I'm Kasumi Tendo." She began walking
alongside the woman with R2-HT behind them.
"I'm very pleased to meet you, and I think this wreck is your
other droid." She kneeled down next to the mess that used to be C-KN0.
"I do hope Mr. Kenobi isn't too disappointed that this one is in
such horrid condition."
"I don't think he'll mind, dear. Why don't we gather it up
and be on our way."
*** ***
At a cave that looked like any other cave, except for the door and
lawn jockey, the group stopped. "This is his home," the woman said, and
rapped sharply on the door.
Kasumi stood back respectfully, her hands crossed in front of her.
She was out rather late, and this was taking much longer than she had
hoped it would. It didn't even appear that she would make it to the show.
The woman pounded on the door a little harder this time. "Obi Wan
Kenobi, you let me in this instant!" she yelled, catching Kasumi
completely off-guard.
"Um, shouldn't you..." Kasumi began.
"Fine, have it your way!" She whipped out what appeared to be a
flashlight, and it most definitely flashed light, but this light sliced
through the wooden door like... like... something really sharp.
Removing what was left of the door with her foot, she
immediately marched inside, Kasumi trailing. "Obi Wan Kenobi!" she
yelled.
She was greeted by silence.
Kasumi stood just inside the devastated door and waited for the
woman to stop... foaming at the mouth. She glanced at a small table next
to the door and saw the envelope there. She picked it up and looked at
it. There was a name on it. Nodoka.
"Excuse me, are you Nodoka?" Kasumi asked as the woman rushed by
with her sword of light raised.
Nodoka almost screeched to a halt. "Yes, I'm Nodoka. How did you
know?"
Kasumi held out the envelope. "This was on the table."
Nodoka took the envelope and opened it. Pulling out the piece of
paper, she read quickly, the look on her face unchanging. "You old fool,"
she said quietly. "You can't defeat the Empire. And you most definitely
can't skip out on my alimony payments with such a feeble excuse."
Nodoka looked up at Kasumi. "I think we need to have a little
discussion about Obi Wan. He's my ex-husband."
*** ***
After several minutes of conversation, Nodoka looked at
R2-HT. "So you have a message for my worthless ex-husband?
Why don't you show it to me. Half of what he owns is mine
anyway."
R2 gave a droid nod and without any jammed tools, played
the message with the princess.
"Yo, I'm Ranma Saotome and I got a couple messages for
General Kenobi. Anyways, you were a big guy in the Clone Wars,
and a Jedi Knight, and all that, so I figured you'd be able to
help. I got these secret plans on Project J that are vital to the
Rebellion, but there's this honkin' big Star Destroyer blowin'
my ship to bits, so I'm not gonna be able to deliver em. I
stashed em in this droid, so if ya could deliver em to my Pop,
the King of Nerima Prime, you'd be doing us all a big favor.
Sorry bout this, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who lives
near here that I can trust."
The message ended there.
"That was interesting." Nodoka turned to look at Kasumi.
"Kasumi, do you have some vacation time built up?"
Kasumi blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Well, since my worthless ex has once again skipped
town on some damn-fool crusade, it's up to me to deliver this
droid to the Alliance. And if I'm going to travel, I might as
well have someone to talk to."
"But I can't go," Kasumi said, totally bewildered. "Father
needs me here on the..."
Nodoka shook her head. "You're Soun Tendo's daughter,
aren't you?"
Kasumi nodded. "Do you know father?"
"He and I go way back. We fought in the Clone Wars
together."
"Clone Wars? But father told me that he was the
navigator on a spice freighter!" Kasumi could practically feel
the careful boundaries of her life breaking down. Nodoka
Kenobi's words were bulldozers heading for the shoddy building
of her day-to-day routine, and she had an unpleasant suspicion
that lying down in front of them would just get her run over.
"He was, dear. But spice freighters get mistaken for
troop transports when there's a war on, especially when they
specialize in running blockades. Your father was a cunning
pilot, a brave warrior, and a good friend."
She tried to picture her father as a cunning pilot or a
brave warrior. No dice. "What, my father? Soun Tendo?"
Nodoka sighed. "I know. He wasn't always like that. He
was a different man in the old days."
"What happened?" Kasumi had often wondered why her
father was so... well... wishy-washy.
"He was in training to become a Jedi Knight," Nodoka said
sadly. "He had incredible promise, too. Unfortunately, he
challenged one of Obi Wan's pupils who was turning to the
Dark Side of the Force, and got the crap beat out of him. The
poor lad just wasn't ready, and it left his spirit shattered. We
had hoped that your mother would help him recover, but then
there was that freak nerf herding accident..."
"Oh my. The Force?"
"Yes. The Force is... well..." Nodoka frowned, and flicked
her hand. To Kasumi's vast surprise, a fairly-clean cup on a
low table floated over to the kitchen, rinsed itself out in the
sink, and proceeded to be filled with wine from a newly
airborne bottle. "Obi Wan always spouted a lot of philosophical
gibberish about it holding the universe together, but I mostly
find that it saves a lot of bother. Your father used to be quite
good at it."
"Oh. Imagine that," said Kasumi weakly.
"You'd better learn it too, if you're coming to Nerima
with me."
Somewhat feebly, Kasumi shook her head. "But father... I
don't know how he'd manage..."
"Soun Tendo," Nodoka said sternly, "got me and four other
people through the Hellswamps of Bogleg V with a broken
collarbone, rabid Mogs stalking us day and night, and most of
the food in the area poisonous, carnivorous, or both. Are you
honestly trying to tell me he can't take care of himself in a
well-stocked house? I think he's been pampered too much."
Kasumi tried and failed to picture Soun dealing with
whatever a rabid Mog was. Still, the woman had a point. Maybe
what her father really needed was to fend for himself a bit.
And besides....
She was bored. Her life was stretching out ahead of her,
and it looked from here like living and dying on the familiar,
grubby, boring old moisture farm.
Kasumi didn't crave excitement. But even she needed a
change. A vacation, if nothing else.
And this Force thing... think of how nice it would be to
let the dishes do themselves...
"Okay," she said finally, a giddy little thrill of
excitement running through her. "I suppose it would be nice to
see this... Nerima?"
Nodoka smiled. "That's the spirit! You'll make a fine Jedi,
I know you will. Speaking of which..." Rummaging around in her
brownish kimono, she handed a complex-looking metal cylinder
to Kasumi. "Your father probably would be horrified to see you
have this, but back in the old days he would have been all for
it."
Curiously, Kasumi peered at it. "What does it do?"
"It was your father's lightdon't PUSH THAT!"
Kasumi yelped as a slightly curved beam of orange light
leaped from the handle, neatly turning a sofa into two one-
armed chairs.
"Your father's lightkatana. It cuts through things very
well, you'll find. Light-blades are the traditional weapons of
the Jedi; partly because of their utility, partly because of
their precision, but mostly because they look really
impressive."
Hastily, Kasumi switched off the beam. "Whatever _is_ a
Jedi, Ms. Kenobi?"
Nodoka rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "From what I've
seen, it's a person who makes sure the galaxy is kept tidy,
happy, and harmonious."
Kasumi brightened. Substitute the word 'house' for
'galaxy', and that sounded a lot like what she did every day.
"Are you one?"
"Opinions," Nodoka said evenly, "differ on that point."
Turning crisply, she began to pace. "Now. Our first priority is
to get the droids to Nerima. Do you know the way to Mos Eisley,
Kasumi?"
"I can probably find it," said Kasumi, with the cheerful
optimism of someone who enjoys driving far more than
arriving.
"That's settled, then! We can find a transport there."
Nodoka glanced around the tiny hut. "Where did your other,
louder droid go?
"KN0? I had him guard the door." Actually, she had
decided that if Ben Kenobi did turn out to be home, C-KN0
might grate on his nerves. He would grate on her nerves if she
had any.
***
Seen from a distance, the Death Star didn't look very
impressive. It looked, in fact, like a small moon.
Get closer, and you notice the fact that it's made of
metal. Suddenly, it becomes very, very, very impressive
indeed.
The Empire likes impressive.
Captain Kuonji reflected on this fact as she oversaw
the close-orbit proceedures for the Imperial Star Destroyer
_Spatulator_, her new command. Any Star Destroyer
assigned to ferrying around Darth Vader went through
officers at a prodigious rate; it was only good luck that
Commander Ukyou Kuonji was not only high enough on the
ladder to become the new captain, but low enough to become
the new captain at the very end of the cruise.
Currently, she and the other officers on the bridge
were intently watching a certain shuttle prepare to depart
the main hangar bay.
After entirely too long a wait, it did.
The bridge spontaniously erupted in a cheer, and Ukyou
grabbed the communications officer and waltzed him around
the command pit for a minute. Darth Vader had left the good
ship _Spatulator_, and was now officially Someone Else's
Problem.
Flopping into her command chair, she picked up the
intercom. "*Attention all hands, this is the Captain. Lord Vader
has departed the ship. We'll be refuelling and picking up
supplies, and then departing for the Galos system to
investigate suspected Rebel activity. Any mail home should be
handed to the postmaster in the next hour. That is all.*"
She gave a satisfied sigh and happily surveyed the bridge.
The past few days had been a nightmare - but it had been well
worth it. Her very own command - not a patrol cruiser or a
supply hauler, but a sleek, massive Imperial Star Destroyer
bristling with turbolasers. A girl could do some real damage
with a ship like this.
Not that they'd ever give a girl command. Which was why
she had carefully concealed the fact that she was female by
binding her chest and deepening her voice. It was hard to look
feminine in an Imperial uniform anyway.
It had involved a lot of sacrifices... renouncing her
femininity, devoting every waking hour towards honing her
command skills, learning how to use a men's urinal without
embarrassing herself. But it was worth it. She wanted to do her
part to crush the Rebellion and bring the galaxy firmly under
the New Order. Her part, as she saw it, was the position of
Grand Admiral.
She hadn't always been such a anti-Rebel stalwart. But
that was before her engagement was broken by that damn royal
bastard, who's lot was promptly thrown in with the Alliance.
Ukyou had been humiliated, rejected, spurned. Once the New
Order was in total control, that sort of thing wouldn't be
allowed. She'd show them. She'd show them all.
The bridge doors opened, and Ukyou's heart nearly stopped
as a deathly hush fell over the room. No, it couldn't be, he had
left...
"Captain Kuonji, why isn't my shuttle ready?"
Oh. Him.
"Well, Lord Ono, I'm sure it's just waiting for you to
board," she said politely. It always paid to be polite to Dark
Jedi.
"I was told it would be waiting in Bay 5 to transfer me
and my prisoner to the Death Star. Bay 5 is empty."
Ukyou quickly glanced at the bay readout display on the
opposite wall. "There must be a mistake, Lord Ono. Your
shuttle's in Bay 23."
"I was told Bay 5," the black-armored figure said
petulantly. Ukyou valiantly managed to keep a staight face.
"There must have been an error. I'll find out who it was
and have them shot."
"Thank you, Captain. Most thoughtful." There was a tone of
pleasant surprise in the Sith Lord's voice. Usually, people didn't
bother to do such a good imitation of respect.
"Would you like an escort to your ship, Lord Ono?"
"Hmm? No, thank you. Bay 23?"
"Yes, Lord."
"Right. Carry on, Captain."
As soon as the doors closed, Ukyou grabbed the comm
unit. "Bay 23? Lord Ono's coming down. Get that ship ready for
flight before he gets there."
"* Damnit, you could have given us a bit more warning... *"
"Don't talk back to your Captain."
"*Yessir.*"
Ukyou smirked, and gazed happily at the viewscreen. She
had a new ship, a fairly decent crew, a purpose in life, and
Rebel scum to crush under her heel. Life was good.
***
Kasumi slammed on the brakes as the speeder emerged
from a canyon. "I think that's Mos Eisley, Ms. Kenobi."
Slowly, carefully, Nodoka forced her hands to let go of
the arms of her seat. "Yes... yes, it is, dear. Kasumi?"
"Yes, Ms. Kenobi?"
"Just Nodoka, please. Was it really necessary to break
the sound barrier in that narrow, twisty, long canyon.?"
Surprised, Kasumi blinked. "It did shave a few seconds
off our time."
"It also shaved a millimeter of paint off the starboard
side."
"Oh dear. I suppose I'll have to repaint that."
On the rear luggage rack, C-KN0's circuits recovered
from the ride. "Zounds! Mine noble body was almost smashed to
flinders!"
"Yes, but we're away from the sandpeople now," Kasumi
told him soothingly. She stared at the city ahead. "What sort of
place is Mos Eisley?"
"My husband always called it a wretched hive of scum
and villany," Nodoka said.
"Oh dear," said Kasumi worriedly.
"That just means they stopped giving him credit in the
bars." The older woman snorted, and patted Kasumi on the back.
"It's a lot like any other spaceport; dirty, unsanitary, and
amoral. Not a place you enjoy visiting, but perfectly suitable
to get a ship in."
"But are any of the people in it dangerous?"
"Well, since I'm going in, there'll be at least one." Nodoka
fingered the handle of her lightkatana and smiled grimly. "Back
in the old days, I used to clean up places like this all the time.
That was how I met Obi Wan, in fact."
"Oh," asked Kasumi. "He helped you bring order to the
lawless cities?"
"No, he was usually drinking in one of them, and tried to
stop me."
"Oh."
"I refuse to enter that vile sewer!" C-KN0 said from the
rear, voice dripping with disgust. "It undoubtably contains
Jawas and even worse vermin!"
"Then we can leave you here and go deliver the message
ourselves," said Nodoka sadly, winking at Kasumi. "And gain the
honor and glory that comes with such a noble...."
"LEAD ON!" boomed the droid. "I shall complete the
mission laid upon me by the pig-tailed princess!"
"Oh dear," Kasumi whispered, "Wouldn't it have been
easier to leave him behind?"
"A good translator droid is worth a tidy sum," Nodoka
returned, "And we're probably going to need an interpreter at
least once on this trip. If nothing else, he'll probably make
good blaster fodder." She glanced once more at the rather
unattractive bulk of the spaceport. "Take us in, Kasumi. A bit
slower, though, if you please."
***
They were only a few feet inside the city when the
stormtroopers flagged them down.
"Good morning, officer!" said Kasumi brightly. "Can we
help you?"
The patrol leader, who had recently had his brain merrily
fiddled with by a somewhat careless Ben Kenobi, blinked at her
behind his helmet. "These aren't the droids we're loo... um. I
mean, I'm going to need to see some ownership papers on those
two mechanicals, Miss."
"Oh dear," Kasumi said worriedly. "Whatever for?"
"He can go about his... that is, there's these two droids
wanted by the Empire. An R2 unit, and a protocol droid. In fact,
exactly like those two there. Got those papers?"
"Well, no..."
The patrol leader motioned, and four blaster rifles were
raised to a ready position. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to
place you under Imperial arrest. Put your hands over your heads
and exit the vehicle."
"What? You dare detain us from delivering secret plans
to the Rebellion on behalf of the beautious Princess?" said C-
KN0 incredulously.
Kasumi winced. R2-HT bleeped frantically at his
counterpart. Nodoka shut her eyes, mumbled a few unladylike
words, and concentrated for a second, then turned to face the
lead trooper with a severe expression. "Young man, we're in a
hurry. There's nothing for you to do here. Both of us are
obviously respectible women, and these aren't the droids
you're looking for."
"These aren't the droids we're..." The patrol leader
stopped and shook his head to clear the mental fuzz. "Look,
that protocol bot just admitted that he's affiliated with the
Rebellion, and those things are to stupid to lie. You aren't
fooling anyone."
"Stupid? STUPID!" screamed KN0. "Someone untie me so
that I might smite this ill-bredzzzzz...." His voice faded into
garbled static as R2-HT once again put his electric prod to
good use.
Nodoka fixed the patrol leader with a nasty glare, and he
winced. Despite the squad of troopers behind him, he was
actually beginning to feel intimidated. And that odd headache
wasn't getting any better; he had recently spent half an hour
telling a rock to move along, for reasons which escaped him at
the moment.
"Young man," Nodoka said dangerously, "you let us through
right this minute. Or else."
Reluctantly, the patrol leader shook his head. "Sorry, but
you're obviously the ones we're looking for. Now, get out of the
speeder and put yourAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Kasumi stared in amazement as the troopers screamed in
unison and fell to the ground clutching their heads. Then, being
a sensible sort, she gunned the engine and burned repulsorlift
into the bustle of the spaceport.
"What on earth did you do to them?" Kasumi asked as she
drove, carefully missing a wide-eyed fruit merchant by a good
two centimeters.
Nodoka smiled mysteriously. "The Force is a powerful
ally, Kasumi."
The girl blinked, narrowly missing a band of screaming
Jawas. "Oh my. Did you melt their minds? Overload their neural
synapses? Show them horrible things?"
"No, I just tuned their helmet radios to the local Loud
Music station and turned the volume up to maximum." Nodoka
glace around. "Turn left here, Kasumi... try not to hit the..! look
out for that..! I think you can slow down just a bit, dear. We're
going to need to hire a private ship; I'd hoped to simply buy
tickets on a transport, but those stormtroopers are going to be
looking for us as soon as their ears stop bleeding."
"Should we find a disreputable spacer bar, then?" asked
Kasumi, who watched _The Adventures Of Lance Starkiller_
every Thursday night on the Holonet. Nodoka frowned.
"Only if you want a disreputable spacer. Really, dear,
that's the sort of thing Obi Wan would do. We're going to a nice
clean ice cream parlor."
"Starpilots hang out in ice cream parlors?" asked Kasumi
weakly.
"The ones who like ice cream do," Nodoka replied.
"They're usually the ones who don't drink, don't gamble, and
don't have drug flashbacks while trying to make the
calculations for a hyperspace jump."
***
The Mos Eisley Ice Cream Shoppe was perhaps the most
reputable place in the spaceport. That being said, half the
clientele would just as soon kill you as look at you.
It was, in fact, due only due to the universal Ice Cream
Shoppish aura of niceness that the body count was on average
only three a week. It was hard to have a proper brawl in a
place with lace curtains and a faint lavender odor.
Jimbo the Destroyer, burner of Gephart III and terror of
the spaceways, was in a corner booth blissfully chugging a
double chocolate malted. He might have had the death penalty
in twenty-three systems and the worse-than-death penalty in
a dozen more, but the pirate chief did love a good ice cream.
Especially the kind with the little candy sprinkles on top.
It was that sort of place.
Kasumi sat at the bar and daintily ate a dish of
Ubervanilla Surprise, waiting for Nodoka to finish her inquires.
She hoped that no-one else would have to get cut in half like
that. Such a mess...
A multitentacled lifeform next to her made a few pick-
up lines, which she fortunately didn't understand a word of. C-
KN0 was outside, a decision on Nodoka's part which had
probably prevented a riot. Kasumi smiled pleasantly at the
amourous tentacle thing, and absently made smalltalk.
"Kasumi, dear? I think I might have found a ship."
She looked over to see Nodoka standing next to a large,
furry humanoid with a yellow-and-black bandoleer draped
across a chest reminicient of a badly-made rug.
"This is Chawbaka. He's the first mate on a ship that's in
our price range and has acceptable standards of hygene."
The huge creature made a noise like a grizzly yodeling,
and offered her a massive paw to shake. Kasumi automatically
shook it. "Oh my. I'm Kasumi Tendo."
"Chawbaka's a Wookiee," Nodoka commented approvingly.
"Very honorable beings, and generally skillful navigators. We
should do well with him."
The Wookiee made an embarrassed noise, and ushered
them over to a table occupied by a young woman and three
empty sundae dishes. "Who've you got here, Chawbaka?"
Nodoka gave her a winning smile. "Nodoka Kenobi. Are you
the captain's daughter?"
The young woman gave her a scowl that would have made
a Rancor turn pale and run. "No. I'm the Captain. Akane Soro. Got
a problem with that?"
The Wookiee made an ominous noise deep in his throat.
"Not at all," Nodoka lied smoothly. "We'd like to hire your
ship."
Akane's face brightened. "Wow, really? You do?" She
coughed, and assumed a nonchalant expression. "Of course you
do."
Kasumi smiled somewhat dubiously. "It is a fast ship,
right?" She had never travelled in space before, but she did
have definite views on how fast moving vehicles should be.
Namely, capable of severely bending any silly speed limits
imposed by towns, systems, or natural law.
"A fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the
_Impudent Hedgehog_?" Akane asked, doing a very credible
imitation of disbelief.
"Not really," Kasumi replied politely. "I'm fairly sure I
would have remembered a name like that."
Akane gamely rallied. "It's the ship that made the
Frozboz Run!"
Kasumi waited for a few seconds for the young smuggler
to continue, and then asked the obvious question. "In under...?"
Squirming, Akane chuckled weakly. "Well, see, there were
these TIE fighters, and they were being real jerks, so we had
to stop and blast them... and then the second fighter wing
started shooting at us, so we had to spend time on them, and
then the Interdictor Cruiser showed up..." She trailed off.
"Well, it would have been real fast if the bakayarou Star
Destroyer hadn't shot off the sensor dish."
"How much for passage to Nerima?" Nodoka cut in. "Just
us, and two droids."
Akane shrugged. "Ten thousand should cover it. Up front."
"One thousand now, eleven when we get to Nerima,"
Nodoka countered.
"Good enough," Akane replied, looking vaguely surprised.
"Meet you at docking bay 69 in a little over an hour, okay?"
Nodoka nodded. "Excellent. Come along, Kasumi."
As the two left, Akane grinned at her first mate. "Twelve
thousand, C-Chan! Twelve! And I was expecting them to bargain
down to five!"
Chawbaka growled a delighted agreement.
Akane glared at him. "And this time, _I_ set the
coodinates for the hyperspace jump." She rolled her eyes.
"'Wookiees are excellent astronavigators'. Yeah, right. This is
just going to pay off the Hutt for delivering that highly-
perishable shipment of Mutti fruit two months late due to
_someone_ plotting a course to the opposite end of the galaxy
we were supposed to go in."
The Wookiee whimpered pathetically, and Akane patted
him kindly on the back. "I didn't mean it like that, C-chan. Just
let me handle the navigation, okay?"
"Going somewhele, Solo?"
Akane irritably looked up at the Rodian who had just sat
down across for her. "Not really. What do you want?"
"The Hutt is vely unhappy, Solo." A blaster appeared in a
green hand. "He wants his money."
"I've got it, I've got it," Akane said cheerfully, her hand
slowly moving towards the horrendously overpowered blaster
on the seat next to her. "Plus a little extra."
"Let's see it, then."
"I haven't got it _on_ me..." The blaster was almost in her
grip.
"Too bad, Solo. If you'le vely lucky, Jabba will only take
youl ship."
Akane snarled, hand closing around her gun. "Over my
dead..." She blinked. "Jabba?"
"Yes," the Rodian snapped, "Jabba the Hutt."
"I owe Akri the Hutt. I've never done business with
Jabba."
The alien blinked. "Alen't you Han Solo?"
Akane sighed and let go of the blaster. "No, I'm Akane
Soro."
"But the soda guy said... you've got a Wookiee and
evelything..."
"Baka."
"Rrrrow?"
"Not you, C-Chan." Akane glared that the bewildered
hitman. "Look, 'Han' is a male name. Do I look male to you?"
"Hald to tell with humans..."
"And it's Soro, not Solo. So-RO."
Looking as sheepish as its possible for a anthromorphic
green giraffe to look, the Rodian stood. "Solly. I don't suppose
you have any idea where...?"
"Try the Cantina. That pervert's usually in there when he
stops by this miserable rock."
"Light. Thanks." The bounty hunter slunk off.
Shaking her head, Akane finished her last sundae. "C'mon,
C-Chan. Let's prep the Hedgehog."
The two strode purposefully out of the Ice Cream Shoppe.
"No, Chawbaka, this way."
"Arrrrough?"
"THIS WAY. Pay attention."
"Urr-hurgh."
"No, your OTHER left."
"Urr."
***
Kasumi walked into Docking Bay 69 and stared.
There have been sleek, elegant ships. There have been
blocky, solid, durable ships. There have been lean, pointed,
menacing ships.
And then there are lovable, beat-up, ragtag freighters
oozing with character.
The _Impudent Hedgehog_ wasn't any of these. It was a
ship that had been built from the remains of two different
craft, blown to bits, patched up with the remains of yet a
third, and carrying spare parts from at least a dozen other
vessels. Most of the spare parts looked like guns of some sort.
Kasumi was far too polite a person to say things like
"What a piece of junk!", "That thing actually flies? No, really?",
or "I'm not going anywhere near that deathtrap."
"Oh dear," she faintly commented.
C-KN0, who had no such politeness, said all three in
rapid succession before Kasumi hit the restraining bolt.
"It may not look like much," Akane began, somewhat
inaccurately from Kasumi's point of view. It looked like three
dozen ships too much. "But it... er... well, it flies, okay?"
Stepping out from behind a landing strut, the smuggler
motioned to a combination boarding ramp/SU-23 Gatling
Plasma Ejector. "Right this way, watch your feet, don't step on
the arming mechanisms."
Nodoka nodded. "Right. Come on, dear."
And that's when the platoon of slightly deaf and very
angry stormtroopers showed up.
"Blast them!" roared the platoon leader.
"Come again?"
"Blast them!"
"Er, could you speak up, Sir? My hearing's still a bit off."
Akane, who had excellent hearing, began to shoot them.
"Oh dear," mumbled Kasumi, and ran like hell up the ramp.
Nodoka and the droids followed, with Akane crouching on the
closing ramp and firing wildly until it shut.
"C-Chan, get us out of here!"
There was the -plink- of blaster fire bouncing off the
closed hull. Akane snarled, and raced for the cockpit.
"They shot at my ship! C-Chan, use the antipersonnel
blasters we put in last week."
"What should we do?" asked Kasumi, taking a seat on a
rather battered ammuntion drum.
"Just strap yourself in while we take off," Akane called
back, cheerfully pushing buttons.
Nodoka smiled reassuringly at her new student. "You
might want to hold onto that strap, dear."
***
The platoon leader knew that there wasn't much point in
firing hand blasters at a spaceship, but he did it anyway. The
thing didn't look terribly sturdy, and it would look pretty
stupid if he just stood there and did nothing.
He started to worry when the little nozzles popped out of
fifteen places on the hull.
The worry turned to panic when superheated engine
plasma boiled out of them. But not for very long.
***
The inhabitants of Mos Eisley looked up in mild interest
as a spacecraft gracefully rocketed out of a landing pit,
leaving the echoes of blasterfire behind.
A minute later, they hit the dirt as a landing bay on the
other side of town exploded in a superheated fireball, out of
which drunkenly rose the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
Inside, Akane Soro gripped the controls, smiled like a
madwoman, and zoomed out of the ionosphere at full throttle.
The smile wavered slightly as she noticed the two
Imperial-Class Star Destroyers heading straight for her.
"C-Chan, start making the calculations for the jump to
hyperspace." This was going to be tricky... but she could do it!
She knew she could do it! She was just as good a pilot as
anyone!
Angling sharply, she brought the Hedgehog in fast,
zooming straight between the two huge warships, the forward
guns spitting laserfire. Hopefully, they'd limit their fire for
fear of hitting their sister ship.
The Hedgehog streaked safely through the gap, and Akane
opened her mouth to give a yell of triumph. Then she realized
something.
They hadn't shot at her.
Blinking, she checked the rear scanner. They weren't even
giving chase. No, they were chasing some old Corellian
freighter, instead.
Frowning, Akane whipped the Hedgehog around and fired a
quick burst at the control tower of the closer Star Destroyer.
Nothing. Not even a single return burst of turbolaser fire.
They were ignoring her.
Akane growled. Chawbaka, who knew that growl,
whimpered and hastily began to route power to the deflectors
and navicomputer.
***
Admiral Gaffnie paced the bridge of the Star Destroyer
_Vigilant_, glaring at the Corellian just outside of turbolaser
range. "Faster, Captain. They're getting away."
The Captain opened his mouth to say something, when the
bridge shuddered.
"What was that?" asked the Admiral sharply. The Captain
shrugged.
"There's a small smuggler craft strafing the bridge, sir.
Should we return fire?"
Gaffnie blinked. "Small?"
"Slightly larger than a starfighter, sir."
"Does it pose a threat?"
The Captain chuckled nervously. "Against our deflectors?
One freighter? Hardly."
Shaking his head, the Admiral made a dismissing gesture.
"Ignore it. We're after that Corellian."
***
"AAAAARGH! Star Destroyer no BAKA!"
"Rrrought?"
"Not you."
"Urrgh."
Akane grit her teeth and swung around for another pass.
This time, the gloves came off.
"Is something wrong?" asked Kasumi, walking into the
cockpit. She had heard a great deal of weapon fire and
swearing, two things that probably didn't bode well.
"Two Imperial Star Destroyers," Akane snapped tersely.
"And another two coming in from far orbit. They won't shoot at
us."
"Oh," Kasumi said, relieved. "That's good."
"I hate it when they hold back!"
Kasumi looked out the cockpit window. She wasn't as
experienced in spaceflight as she was in skyhoppers and
landspeeders, but she could recognize an attack run when she
saw one. And she could recognize a Star Destroyer, too.
"Ah... Akane? Captain Soro? That's... oh dear, are you
going to... oh my. Nodoka? Ms. Kenobi?"
Muttering, the matronly Jedi unstrapped herself and
walked into the cockpit. "Now Kasumi, don't bother Captain
SorOh my God...."
The Impudent Hedgehog zoomed straight for the bulk of
the massive Imperial warship.
***
Admiral Gaffnie dropped his cup of tea as he watched the
tiny ship zoom straight for the bridge. No-one could possibly
be stupid enought to attack a Star Destroyer at close range.
Even most rocks were smarter than that.
He opened his mouth to give the order to fire, then
remembered the importance of the Corellian freighter. If their
partner was willing to make a suicide run in order to distract
the fleet, then it had to be pretty important.
Besides, even at point blank range, a ship that size
couldn't possible do any damage. It'd need a Ion-Thermite bomb
just to get through the bridge deflectors.
***
"BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!" yelled Akane, holding
down the tiny red button labeled "All the guns".
"Pull up, you little idiot!" Nodoka screamed. Akane
continued her run. Ignore her, would they?
When she was almost on top of the bridge tower, she
thumbed the big red button. The one labeled "Ion-Thermite
bomb".
***
Admiral Gaffnie stared in disbelief at the deflector
indicators. How many guns did that junkheap have, anyway?
Three X-Wings wouldn't have been able to cause so much
damage...
He had just enought time to see the bomb appear on the
tactical scopes before it hit.
The Admiral was thrown to the deck, the bridge
exploding around him. Gingerly, he struggled to a sitting
position, assured himself that the hull was still (if barely)
intact, and smiled grimly. Even a Ion-Thermite bomb couldn't
take out the bridge of a Star Destroyer in one shot.
Then Akane dropped the second one.
***
"What's that flashing?"
"We're losing our deflector shield! Go strap yourself in,
I'm going to make the jump to light speed!"
Odd, Han thought, a second before he made the jump. It
almost looked as if the bridge tower of the trailing Star
Destoyer was on fire.
Nah.
***
"HAHAHA! Take that!"
Akane and Chawbaka exchanged high-fives as the tower
of the _Vigilant_ exploded.
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Nodoka screamed.
"Relax, lady," Akane said soothingly. "The idiots are
concentrating on that... uh-oh..."
The Corellian gone, all three remaining Star Destroyers
were heading directly for the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
"C-Chan, get us out of here! Now!"
The Wookiee glanced out the viewport, yelped, and
redoubled his efforts at the navicomputer. Turbolaser fire
from the incoming ships sizzled past, occasionally grazing the
Hedgehog's deflectors shields.
"Grab your cooking utensils and hold on," Akane warned.
No doubt these two women had never been on a REAL ship
before, traveling at light speed. The shock alone might kill
them. Couple of housewives out for a very expensive joyride...
Sheesh.
Plopping back down in her own seat and buckling herself
in, Akane glanced over quickly at Chawbaka and, without
waiting for his consent, sent the ship into hyperdrive.
It was a familiar, yet strange sensation that Akane never
quite got used to. She was forced back in her chair a little as
the jump started, keeping her hand poised to drop them out
after the short time required for the jump.
She smiled secretively to herself, figuring the two
women were probably ready to run to the head from the
experience.
"Excuse me, Captain Soro?"
Akane almost jumped out of her boots at the sound of
Kasumi's voice. She turned to see the young woman standing
behind her with a plate of cookies, smiling.
"Would you like a cookie? They're homemade."
Akane simply stared then shook her head. "No thanks. You
should probably sit back down. We're about to drop out of
hyperspace."
"Of course. You're the captain, after all." Kasumi giggled
in the most inane way.
Before she could leave, Chawbaka reached out and grabbed
a handful of the cookies, earning him a nasty glare from Akane.
He shrugged and stuffed a few in his mouth, growling a full-
mouthed thank you.
"You're most welcome," Kasumi answered, smiling, then
returned to the pile of junk she had been sitting on. "What a
polite young Wookiee," she said to Nodoka.
"A most unusual sight, but not unheard of." She leaned
over so she could whisper to Kasumi. "Have you noticed the
way it looks at Captain Soro?"
Kasumi nodded.
"Young love, even between species, will often tame the
wildest of beasts." It had almost worked with Obi Wan...
Kasumi nodded, though she didn't really understand what
Nodoka was getting at. Sitting quietly as the ship shuddered
around her, Kasumi looked down at the cookies and pondered
the entire journey.
All because those Jawas had given her the two droids and
that silly hologram and Obi Wan Kenobi... Then it suddenly hit
her. Young love. Between species.
"Oh my," she said quietly. That was most improper. And
Captain Soro seemed to be such a nice, if fairly irreverent,
girl. She shouldn't be...
"Dear, why are your cheeks so red? Are you sitting too
close to the heating ducts?" Nodoka asked.
Kasumi shook her head, blushing furiously. Wookiees
were so... furry!
Nodoka put her hand on Kasumi's forehead. "Are you sure
you're not ill, dear? Your face is..."
"No, no. Really, I'm fine. Um, would you like a cookie?"
she offered, trying to turn the subject away from anything
pink.
On the other side of the compartment, where R2-HT was
wedged against the wall by what looked to be the cooling
mechanism from a shield generator, the small droid bleeped.
Nodoka looked over at it and smiled. "You certainly are a
friendly droid. When did you get programmed with protocol?"
C-KN0, gray-taped up next to R2, snorted. "I think you
have the wrong droid, fair madam. He was not referring to the
blush of her cheeks, but the color of her..."
*Zot!*
Kasumi put away the control for the restraining bolt,
unused since R2 had taken care of things. "Thank you, R2."
Nodoka, shaking her head slowly, looked away from the
droids. Kasumi was a nice enough young lady, but those droids...
She wasn't sure what to make of them yet. The little one
seemed nice, but there was an underlying, almost infernal,
glow about it's sensor that gave her the creeps... er, made her
Jedi abilities wary.
"Dropping out of hyperspace now," Akane warned them.
And drop out they did. It felt like all their internal organs
were trying to exit through their pores, and there was a severe
lurching sensation.
Recovering slowly, Kasumi had to ask, "Dropping out of
hyperspace is quite jarring, isn't it?"
Akane's voice sounded embarrassed. "Well, no. That was
the engine doing a little... space backfire. Chawbaka was
supposed to take care of that last week." She shot the Wookiee
another glare and unbuckled herself from her seat.
She turned to look at the two women. "We're out. It's
safe to walk around now; we should be coming up on Nerima
Prime momentarily."
Nodoka and Kasumi untied themselves, as there were no
real belts for passengers and they were restrained by thick
coils of spare wires. At least, they hoped they were spare
wires.
Kasumi had just begun to free R2-HT when the ship shook
around them, sending a shower of bolts, nuts, bits of wire,
rust and some unidentified liquid down on top of them.
"Damn it, C-Chan! I thought I told you to take care of
that!" Akane yelled. "I don't want another fire sweeping
through the ship again!"
Kasumi and Nodoka exchanged fearful glances, with R2
making a fearful whistle.
"I beg of you, release me from these bindings!" C-KN0
asked, struggling against the tape, covered with bits of debris.
"How ignoble for myself to be consumed by fire, covered in
filth aboard an unsafe death trap!"
Akane ignored the commotion from behind her and was
running through the series of emergency switches. "C-chan,
why aren't any of the damage control units working? I don't
want to have to rely on the backup systems."
Chawbaka made a plaintive growl as he hit his own panel
of switches, all flashing red at the moment. He slammed his
fist down on the panel and was rewarded with a gout of sparks
and the red lights going out. At least they were out.
"Not again! I told you to stop doing that!" Akane yelled as
sparks shot all over the place. "Great! Now what are we..."
Her voice was cut off as the ship shook again, almost
throwing her from her seat. "What IS that?"
"Could it be from those large hunks of interstellar rubble
flying at us?" Nodoka asked, peering between the seats out the
large viewing window.
Akane looked back at her, then out the window as well.
Sure enough, there were asteroids flying right at them. The
fact that they had only been hit by a few of them was
miraculous. But that miracle was lost on a suddenly serious
Captain Akane Soro.
"Get back there and settle in why we get out of this
mess," she commanded and re-buckled herself in. "I'll handle
this myself," Akane said, her eyes taking on an almost
maniacal glint.
Nodoka briefly considered knocking the young captain out
and letting the more level-headed Wookiee take care of things,
but things hadn't gotten too desperate. Yet.
Returning to the back and reclaiming her seat, she warned
Kasumi, "It's probably best that you return to your seat,
Kasumi. We seem to be in a spot of trouble."
"Oh dear!"
Spinning and weaving and turning on a dime (even in
space), and generally making everyone on board ill, Akane
maneuvered them out of the mysterious asteroid belt without
further incident.
Smiling smugly, she wiped her forehead on the back of her
arm and released the safety harness. "We're out. It's safe
again."
Nodoka, slowly regaining her equilibrium, muttered, "I
doubt that."
When the two passengers joined Akane and Chawbaka at
the front, they were all looking out at the asteroids they had
just escaped. Chawbaka was shaking his head, trying not to
look guilty, while Akane appeared thoughtful.
"What's happened to Nerima Prime?" Kasumi asked.
"That's a pretty good question. Maybe..." Looking at the
asteroids, the most horrible thought came to her mind. "Oh no.
The Empire probably had something to do with this," she said
through clenched teeth.
"Whatever are you speaking of?" Nodoka asked, her feeling
to put the captain down getting stronger.
Chawbaka growled and looked at the destroyed panel, no
longer emitting sparks. He really didn't want to call attention
to him.
"The Empire... What if these asteroids ARE Nerima Prime?
What if the Empire has some huge new super-weapon that's
able to destroy entire planets? What if they came here before
we did and destroyed it, killing everyone?"
Nodoka and Kasumi both looked at her, horrified. Then
Nodoka's expression changed and she couldn't hide the smile
that started to appear.
Kasumi, for her part, was a bit more reserved and
resisted the temptation, but when Nodoka started to snicker,
she couldn't help herself.
Suddenly, both women broke into laughter, making Akane
scowl at them.
"What's so funny?" she asked, obviously perturbed at their
reaction.
"My dear, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard,
and being married to Obi Wan Kenobi, I've heard some pretty
ridiculous things." She wiped the tears from her face and
continued to snicker. "Super-weapon... You really know how to
lighten a dreadful journey up," she praised.
Akane's eye twitched, and her hands clenched into fists.
"Dreadful? Is that some sort of..."
She was cut off again as Nodoka's laughter started again,
Kasumi still giggling. Even Chawbaka started it, despite
trying very hard not to.
Akane glared at the women, then over at Chawbaka. "This
is all your fault!" she yelled, then punched the hapless Wookiee.
Chawbaka's head rocked to the side and crashed into
another panel, caving it in. That served to make Akane more
upset. "Ooh. Why do I even BOTHER?" She stormed from the the
cockpit area to go smash something.
It was clearly audible from where the rest of the flesh
and blood beings were.
"Such beauty and grace, even whilst covered in the
clothing of a common spaceport beggar. Your boyish beauty
rivals that even of the pig-tailed princess. I must translate
for thee!"
"WHAT did you just call ME? Boyish beauty?"
"Why yes. Your clothing hides your feminine charms, and
the filth you insist on covering yourself is unbecoming of a
true lady..."
There was the sound of something breaking. Then again.
And again.
The laughter quickly died after that. No one wanted to
face the awful wrath of Captain Soro.
A few minutes later, after apparently everything had
calmed down, Akane reappeared. She had bits of wire stuck in
her hair and a faint gold smudge on her right hand. She didn't
look very happy, but she didn't look ready to kill anyone either.
"All right. Where does navigation say we are?" she asked
briskly.
Chawbaka looked at a non-broken panel then rattled off
something only a Wookiee or an elephant with a stuffed nose
would understand.
Sighing, Akane closed her eyes. "Chawbaka. Never again.
Do you understand?"
Kasumi looked at the almost embarrassed look on the
Wookiee's face, then at Akane's rather resigned face. "What's
happened? Where's Nerima Prime gone?"
"Nowhere apparently."
"Nowhere? Well it's not here," Nodoka said. She could
feel the start of a headache coming on.
"Right. Nerima is right where it should be. It's just
that... we're not at Nerima Prime."
Nodoka closed her eyes and opened them several times,
trying to wake up from the awful dream she was having. "Not
there? Then where?" Oh yes. Any minute now, she would
wake up back home in bed and laugh at such a stupid dream.
She almost wanted to laugh right there.
"Far as I can tell, no thanks to Chaw*baka* here, we're at
the Alderaan system, and this is what's left of it." Akane
scowled again for effect.
"That's not right," Kasumi said in the perfect manner to
send Akane over the edge again.
"I KNOW it's not right. But it's too late for that, and now
furball has destroyed half the navigation system!"
Yes, Nodoka would wake up just about now. Wake up,
Nodoka. Wake up.
"Does this mean we won't be going to Nerima?" Kasumi
asked, wondering how she was supposed to cook bantha patties
with scrub salad on a broken down junkpile of a ship.
Politeness dictated that she not say that, though.
Akane shoved Chawbaka aside and looked at the damaged
instrumentation. "It looks repairable. We'll just have to set
down to do the work. It shouldn't take more than a few hours."
Well, that was one pleasant surprise. Things weren't as bad as
they seemed. That almost never happened.
Nodoka sighed. A few hours wasn't so bad really. Kasumi
was nice enough company to chat with. She hadn't been out in
ages, so it was also a nice chance to get away for some extra
time.
"We'll just set down... Look." Akane pointed at something
in the distance of space. "We'll just set down on that small
moon."
Waving the women away and taking her seat, Akane
immediately planned her route to the moon. It seemed rather
large for the typical moon in the system, but then, that could
also mean it was populated and someone might have some
spare parts there. As long as there weren't any of those
stinking Jawas. There were only good for one thing: target
practice.
As the ship limped on toward the moon, Akane started to
feel the call of nature that dropping out of hyperspace always
caused her. "I'll be right back. And keep us on course!"
Chawbaka grunted in the affirmative as Akane got up and
left. He heard from the back, "Do my sensors deceive me?
Could the fierce and..."
There was another breaking sound and the voice stopped.
Sometimes, Akane wondered what she had gotten herself
into. The life of a smuggler wasn't easy and quite dangerous.
She was wanted by several crime lords for debts she had
accrued to build and maintain the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
Not to mention her old partner had broken her trust and
skipped out to greener pastures when the pressure had gotten
to be too much. She always wondered what had happened to
her wily companion, but in the circles they had run, it was
never wise to ask such things.
Now this whole business with the Empire and the
Rebellion... She hadn't wanted to get involved, but the money
had been right. A simple drop-off run and she would be able to
afford those power converters that would make the engines
run ten times more efficiently and provide a hefty speed boost.
The _Hedgehog_ would be able to outrun any of the Imperial
fighters, even the developmental ones, with that. And she'd
probably be able to blow a hole in a planet with the extra
power to the guns.
And now this had happened. She should have been
watching more closely. She shouldn't have allowed Chawbaka
to set the coordinates. He was a nice enough Wookiee, but he
was a really crappy navigator.
Sighing, Akane Soro had to wonder why her life had been
so rough. Never such deep and ponderous thoughts were made
in a bathroom before.
Walking slowly back through the ship, Akane simply could
not believe her misfortune. And yet, the only thing she could
think to say was, "When it rains, it pours."
"So, Akane Soro has returned to bask in my presence!
Bask in the glow from my..."
Akane's fist was quickly planted firmly in the face of C-
KN0, denting the shiny metal. "Shut up, you freaky droid!" The
concept was nearly horrific. She had heard the obscene stories
about Jawas and droids, but that had been an old story at the
ice cream shoppes for ages. That was just a suburban myth...
Or so she thought.
"Ah, your gentle caresses are of the warm wind from
the..."
Akane did it again, trying to find the off switch by going
through the droid's head with her fist. The second punch
seemed to help a little as the lights that highlighted the
droid's eyes dimmed some and the crazy babbling stopped.
Shaking her head, she had more important things to deal
with than one sex-crazed Rebel droid. Or two. "Give that
back!" she yelled as R2-HT rolled away with a more... personal
article of her clothing. "You little piece of slag!" She growled
in frustration at things. This was definitely raising the price
of her services when they made it to Nerima.
She passed by the area she liked to call the lounge (which
was simply where Chawbaka liked to practice some weird
Wookiee hand/foot thingy) and saw Nodoka and Kasumi doing
something... very odd.
She stopped in the doorway and watched with a bemused
expression on her face. The two housewives were quite the
interesting pair.
"Watch carefully, Kasumi. Leave your senses open and
watch," Nodoka said as she concentrated. The metal rod
resting on the floor shivered a little, then floated into an
upright position. It began moving back and forth slowly in a
sweeping motion.
Nodoka squinted and raised her left hand. A large tangle
of wires rose into the air to about chest height. Once there it
began to move back and forth briskly over the the masses of
spare parts scattered about, like it was dusting them.
Closing her eyes fully, almost grimacing with the effort,
Nodoka began to move all the little nuts and bolts on the floor
over to a small bin that had been overturned.
It righted itself and moved through the air, the spare
parts dropping into it with a clunk. Finally, when there was
nothing else, the bin slowly settled to the floor, and the wire
tangle and metal rod followed.
Nodoka sat down slowly. She opened her eyes and inhaled
deeply. "That takes a lot out of a person," she said shakily.
"That was quite impressive. How did you..."
In Nodoka's hand was a small book. She thrust it at
Kasumi and waited for the younger girl to take it. "Go on. You
have the potential to be a Jedi, Kasumi. You must follow
through on it."
Shaking her head, Kasumi said, "I couldn't possibly!"
"You must. I can see it in you, Kasumi. You're destined
for higher things."
Kasumi took the small book slowly, not sure if she should
actually keep it. Things were moving too fast for her. She
looked at the cover, then at Nodoka. "Using the Force for
Better Housekeeping?" She looked questioningly at Nodoka.
Nodoka nodded. "A very select group."
Akane snorted and shook her head. Housekeeping. Jeeze,
what a joke. And the Force... an even BIGGER joke.
"You don't believe in the power of a Jedi?" Nodoka asked,
looking at her.
"That's just an old legend. Jedi and the Force were
invented to put little kids to sleep. It used to work with me."
Yeah. Used to, until she had to leave home. Leave home, and go
on the run almost from the first day.
"Is there a problem, dear?" Nodoka asked, recovering from
her exertion of power.
Sighing deeply, Akane shook her head. "No. It's nothing
you need to worry about. I've been dealing with it since I left
home, and I'll keep dealing with it."
Nodoka and Kasumi looked at her sympathetically, and
suddenly, Akane couldn't help herself. She sat roughly on the
floor, wanting to just pour her guts out to the two women.
Somehow, she managed to blubber out her entire life story and
kept it short and sweet.
"I've got multiple bounties on my head, a broken down
ship, I'm running from the Empire, I'm mixed up with the
Rebellion now, and I have a Wookiee with a bad sense of
direction as my navi... Oh NO!"
Akane stood up suddenly and rushed back to the cockpit.
The gentle rumbling that she had dismissed earlier had
actually been the ship landing. She closed her eyes and opened
them again.
"Chawbaka. Small moon I said. Make repairs on the small
moon. That's what I said, right?" Akane asked calmly.
Chawbaka gave a plaintive growl. He did not like the tone
in Akane's voice at all.
"Right. I DID say small moon. So we were supposed to
land on a small moon." Akane looked outside the ship again.
"So could you explain what we're DOING ON A GIANT SHIP?"
Akane's face took on an alarming shade of red.
Chawbaka could only cringe away.
"Chawbaka no baka!"
Akane's tirade was quickly cut off as several Imperial
troopers appeared in front of the ship, looking at it curiously.
"Oh no. We'll be shipped off to a mining colony if we're caught.
Quick!" Akane went to stab the 'All the guns' button, but it
didn't respond. They were beyond dead meat.
"Come on, C-chan. We've got to defend the Hedgehog to
the very end."
Chawbaka wasn't so sure about that. It wasn't exactly a
great ship or anything, but he was loyal to Akane, and even if
she wanted to do something suicidally dangerous, he would
help.
"First, lock down the plasma ejector. Don't want them
getting in here, then figure out what's wrong with the guns.
We'll toast their butts and laugh while we do it!"
Rolling his eyes, Chawbaka nodded and continued to
follow her as they made their way to their makeshift ramp.
When they arrived at it, they were both stunned to see...
"Would you like to join us in some tea?" Kasumi asked
them. There were several officers and troopers there already
sipping tea and eating cookies.
Akane's jaw dropped in disbelief. She wanted to scream
at the brutal unfairness of everything.
Chawbaka naturally took a seat next to Nodoka and began
daintily sipping tea with the rest of them.
"Thank you for the hospitality, ma'am," one high-ranking
officer said. "Naturally we understand the problem of making
repairs in deep space. You're welcome to stay as long as
necessary."
Nodoka and Kasumi both smiled, sending warm and fuzzy
feelings throughout the ship. Akane nearly gagged.
"That's very kind of you, young man. Do you think you
could see it possible that our ship is repaired by a competent
mechanic?" Nodoka asked.
"That's no problem, ma'am. We have the best starship
mechanics in the system aboard. And if you're interested, I'm
sure we could arrange for you and your sister to go on a guided
tour of the station."
Nodoka laughed politely. "She is not my sister, as you
very well know, and the flattery won't get you very far."
The look on Akane's face was simply... priceless.
End part 1