(Drum Roll)
V.O: Ladies and Gentlemen of the FFML....A very special presentation
from the Desk of Megane 6.7.....
* * *
(Music Cue: The Catchy CB Theme, Whatever song you like best....)
LIVE FROM TORONTO, CANADA!!! IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL
CHICKEN BALL AWARDS!!!
PRESENTED BY OUR SPECIAL GUESTS....
Jussi Nikander <Jussi.Nikander@alien.nixu.fi>
Sean Gaffney <http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/6529/>
Redneck Gaijin <http://www.txdirect.net/users/redneck/>
The Eternal Lost Lurker <http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502/>
The Flashman <http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/>
Gary Kleppe <http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics>
Angel <AGarr48134@aol.com>
LaShawn M. Taylor <http://www.ccm.net/~tbone/index.html>
Dr. Maxwell Edison <http://www.flash.net/~haden/>
Scott Jamison <http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990/>
J. Austin Wilde <wildeman@flash.net>
Kasumi the Axe Murderess <kasumi@giveemtheaxe.net> ;P
Jarald Bailey <JBailey906@aol.com>
Tybalt <tybalt@tendo-dojo.ranma.net>
Suns-Kun <http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/8222/>
Jeffery "Oneshot" Wong <http://www.isc.rit.edu/~jkw7063/fanfic/>
Shori Wong <http://www.li.net/~jeffwong/shori.htm>
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your hosts for this event:
Megane 6.7 and Robin "Lunari" Seabaugh!
Megane 6.7 and Lunari emerge together from the center of the
curtain, smiling and waving as the fanfiction world comes to their feet and
gives them a standing ovation. Megane is decked out in a black tuxedo while
Lunari is a true vision in a low cut, black velvet dress.
As they approach the podium, the crowd gives them another wild
round of applause. (Hey, why not?) then finally settle down and take their seats
as Megane begins his speech.
"Wow! Thanks for the warm reception! I'd like to thank all of
you as well for casting your votes and being patient with me while I organized
the event. I apologize for taking so long and hopefully I'll get it right next year...."
"Yeah, right...." Lunari mutters under her breath. Megane glances
over at her and she simply smiles at him. Shrugging, he plows on.
"Anyway...." Megane continues "I created these awards for two
reasons. One: To see some great fanfics that tended to be skipped over for more
well-known titles, get the recognition that they deserve! And Two: To administer
some good-natured roasting to a select few...."
"So, without further ado...." Lunari continues for him. "Let's bring out
our first presenter for 'Funniest Fanfic of 1997', Mr. Jussi Nikander!"
Megane 6.7 and Lunari applaud with the audience as Jussi walks to the
stage, wearing a spotless black tuxedo and black shoes. The spotlights are
focused on him as starts to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen, heroes and heroines, villains and other evils,
vampires, pegasi, and other creatures of the myths, aliens of every sort, and
fellow authors. I have been given the honor of presenting the award for
the funniest fanfic of the year. An incredibly large number of really funny fics
were released this year, so I'm sure it has been really hard to choose the one
to receive the Chicken Ball for the funniest fic. Anyway, the nominees for
the funniest fanfic of the year are...."
-- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles
<http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/>
-- "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" by Andrew Huang
<http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/>
-- "The More Things Change" by RpM
<http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/tmtc/>
-- "The Nameless Sequel" by Mike Loader
<http://www.humbug.org.au/~wendigo/transp.html>
-- "The Pursuit of Happiness" by RpM
<http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/tpoh/>
"A bunch of really funny fics, aren't they. I remember the time I
read each them the first time: in most cases I was rolling on the floor laughing
and gasping for air. I especially remember, when I read..."
From off-stage, a small dumbbell with a note attached to it is thrown
at Jussi and hits him squarely to the head, knocking him down. Jussi
scrambles to his feet and reads the note, grumbling and rubbing his head. He
shoots a glare at whoever threw the dumbbell and turns back to look at the
audience.
"Get to the point, she says...Now, since it seems that some people are
quite insistent about finding out the winner *right now*," Jussi shoots another
glare off-screen "I'll skip the rest of my speech."
Jussi opens the envelope containing the name of the winner.
"The winner of the Chicken Ball for the funniest fanfic of the year is
*The Nameless Sequel* by Mike Loader! Congratulations!!"
The crowd cheers as Mike Loader stumps onto Ye Awards Stage,
clad in a sweater, turtleneck, and slacks. He looks about as formal as a dead
raccoon, but not quite casual enough for the ushers to toss out on his ear.
as he accepts the Golden Chicken Ball Award from Jussi and begins his
acceptance speech.
"Right. Wow. Cool."
"Not exactly sure wot all to say, other than the usual thanks
to the academy, the cast and director, Nigel at the Cajun Takeaway, and to
all the height-challenged people...
"The Nameless Sequel was done, as the name suggests, as a
sequel to the Varaiyah Cycle. I like to think that I got the style down
better in it, but it may just be that my ego's swelled since joining the list.
"Anyhow, it was written mostly because people thought the
first one was mildly amusing. Unlike IMBS, it really doesn't have any neat
philosophical points innit. It's just me trying to make folks laugh.
"It did spawn one darkfic quite by accident, which gives you
an idea just how funny it is.
"Will there be a sequel to it? Could be. Is possible.
"And there is no Episode 9. No, really. Honest. It was never
secretly written and released to the prereaders as a thank-you
gift, and I've no idea how the rumor got started.
"Anyhow, thanks a bunch. To those who've complained that all
my stuff of late has been dark and dismal - a new project is in
the works that hopefully should satisfy."
The band begins playing as Mike walks off stage. "And now...."
the announcer's voice booms. "Here to present the award for 'Best Sadfic
of 1997', the author of *The High Cost of Loving* and creator of the *Tea
Kettle Reviews*, Suds-Kun!"
"Hello all!" Suds-Kun exclaims as he walks out on stage. He pulls
out a Bayankala Onion and begins to peel it as he begins his speech.
"When Megane 6.7 asked/begged for presenters for the Chicken
Balls Awards, I thought I'd volunteer for 'Most Depressing' fanfic. Of
course, this had nothing to do with the fact that my very first fanfic had
been nominated. *snif* Later on the category was changed to "Best Sadfic"
and my fic was dropped. *sniff* That didn't bother me, nope. *sniiff* The
nominated fics were sadder and more depressing. *snniifff* In fact *snork*
when I think of these stories *sniiiifffff* I can't help but get all misty eyed.
*snnnniiifff*
And...*sniff*....the nominees are....*sniiifff*...."
-- "The Bitter End" by Zen
<http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html>
-- "Nekophilia" by Greg Sandborn.
<http://www.microlink.net/~sandborn/gregff.html>
-- "Poison" by Susan Doenime
<wendigo@zerlargal.humbug.org.au>
-- "Saishu no Wakare" by Webdragon
<http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/>
-- "Transitions" by Richard Lawson
<http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/sterman/fanfic.htm>
Suds-kun tosses the peeled Bayankala Onion aside and picks up the
winner's envelope. Tears are running down Suds-kun's face as the envelope is
torn open.
"Aawwwww! *snoorrrrrrrrrk* Ain't that sad? I remember the scene
wher....*snif**snif**snif**snif*BAAWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL*"
Suds-kun is overcome and begins to cry a like a fountain [TM Soun
Tendou]
"*bawll* And the *bawwll* winner is....*The Bitter End* by Zen!"
The crowd applauds while the announcer's voice booms. "Accepting
the award for Zen, is Akane Tendo!"
Akane walks on stage, wearing a beautiful red evening gown, as she
approaches the podium.
"On behalf of Zen, I'd like to thank everyone that voted for his fanfic
and all of his prereaders for their C&C and encouragement. I know some people
were upset by the way I was portrayed in that fanfic but I hold no grudges towards
Zen or Ukyou whatsoever. In fact, I've always felt personally that Ukyou has always
been the best choice as a fiancee for Ranma....fiancee for Ranma.....fiancee for
Ranma....fiancee for Ranma...."
Megane 6.7 quickly rushes onto the stage, splashing water all over
his trousers as he reaches Akane and slaps her on the back a few times....
".....great story that you should check out is Megane 6.7's 'A Day in the
Past'....'A Day in the Past'....'A Day in the Past'....
Megane 6.7 smacks his forehead and shakes Akane furiously.
"....but I hold no GrUdGEs TOwaRdS zEn or UkyOU....ZeN oR
uKYOu....ZEn Or UKyOuuuuuuuuuuuu....."
A loud bang is heard as Akane slumps forward onto the podium,
exposing the wind-up key on her back. Megane 6.7 gives the audience a
sheepish look. "Heh....I guess Sud-Kun's tears shorted out the....um....electrical
systems on the Akane android. I guess you're wondering why we didn't
use the real Akane for this acceptance speech....uh....Well, there's a very
good reason for that....er.....but right now, it's time for the next award to be
presented!"
As the stagehands quickly use mops to wipe the ocean of tears that
flooded the stage, Megane 6.7 cues the announcer before fleeing the stage
himself, leaving the question of the Akane android for idle speculation.
"Our next presenter is for the 'Best Lemon Scene of 1997', he is the
author of *Golden Years* and a contributor to the epic crossover series
*Undocumented Features*: Redneck Gaijin!"
Redneck walks on stage and begins his speech.
"There are many reasons why fanfic authors write lemon scenes. Some
of us feel that it can be a valid, touching and emotional expression of emotion
between two characters. Others feel that it provides an excellent opportunity to
laugh at human sexuality, the clich�'s of writing, and humanity in general. Still
others just like to gross out the audience. And, of course, there are other reasons,
too ticklish to mention here."
"However, sometimes a particular lemon writer, or lemon scene, rises
above the tide of spooge and becomes an example of the best a sex scene can
aspire to be. Whether it its a loving interlude between a couple, a lunatic grope
between a couple hundred, or just a scene so wild that it goes beyond those
three little words... 'Oh, my God...' these scenes provide a shining pink
light for the rest of us perverts to follow."
"It gives me great pleasure to honor five such scenes by naming them
as the nominees for the Best Lemon Scene of 1997."
-- Nabiki, Ranma and Akane in "Nekophobia Side Story" by David Eddy
<http://nabiki.newberry.edu/DEddy/>
-- Priss and Sylia in "Passages" by She-Hulk.
<brobinso@neocomm.net>
-- Ranma and Ranma-Chan in Part Three of "Nullifier 122" by Webdragon
<http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/>
-- Ryouga and Akane in "The Price of Passion" by Cindy Toler
<yoiko@earthlink.net>
-- The entire second half of "Bubble Gum Pink: Raging Fires" by Larry
Mann and Kris Overstreet.
<http://www.txdirect.net/users/redneck/>
Redneck opens the envelope. "And the winner is....Ryouga and Akane
in *The Price of Passion* by Cindy Toler!"
The audience cheers as Cindy walks up on stage, wearing a long,
off-white flowing gown. Her auburn/red hair hung in waves past her
shoulders and for this special occasion she wore contact lenses instead of her
usual glasses. A large entourage of people followed her on stage including
her friends Gary, Andrew, Lea, Genia, Candy, Max, Vicky, Rebecca, David,
Shiang-Shiang and Satchel.
The cast members were there as well with Ryoga and Akane looking
somewhat embarrassed, Ranma looking really angry, and Shampoo and Ukyo
sitting on either side of Ranma and glaring at each other. Then Cindy walked
up to the podium to accept her award.
"Thank you very much! This is such a surprise! ^_^ I'd like to
thank all my friends who were so supportive of me, especially Gary and
Zebbie, the two best prereaders anyone could ever ask for! ^_^ And I'd
like to thank my family, who have never seen this particular story and
probably never will... *^_^* I'd also like to thank the cast, who did such
a wonderful job, and thanks to all of you who voted for "The Price of
Passion" or sent C&C on the story. Thank you so much!"
The crowd applauds as Cindy leaves with her friends. Then the camera
switches back to Megane 6.7.
Megane 6.7: And now it's time for the "Procrastinator of the Year" award,
presented by Gary Kleppe....Gary?"
Gary: (off screen): We're not ready yet!
Megane 6.7: Huh?
Gary (off screen): Come back to this one later!
Megane 6.7: Um....Okay then....And now the presenter for the 'Best Fight
in a Fanfic for 1997' (drumroll) Angel!"
Angel walks in wearing not a suit or tuxedo but martial artists gi.
All of a sudden he notices every one staring at his choice of clothes he
narrow his eyes and says "Hey, I thought that it was appropriate considering
the award I'm presenting." He clears his throat "Well then, this year has
seen many great fanfics and in those fics many great fight scenes. Good
fight scenes are very difficult to write yet some of the best has been
written in the past year. This year the nominees for Best fight scene in a
fanfic are
-- Happosai Vs. Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Mercury and Ranma in "Lines of
Destiny" by Louis-Philippe Giroux
<http://www.upc.qc.ca/~phoenix/phoenix.html>
-- Ranma/Wolverine in Gen X-Exchange students by HTG
<heretic@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu>
-- Ranma Vs. Ryouga in "Four Fiancees and a Funeral" by Shiaw Chi "Hokodan"
<Chihokodan@aol.com>
-- The fight between Ryouga and Muhoshin on the bridge in Part 11 of
"The More things Change" by RpM
<http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/tmtc/>
-- The finale of "Chasing the Wind" by J. Austin Wilde
<wildeman@flash.net>
"Wow now that was a great bunch of fights! But you know what I
would really like to see.... (He doesn't notice that Akane is coming to hand
him the envelope with the winner.) The entire Ranma 1/2 Cast vs. Akanes
cooking cause that's some truly lethal stuff." he begins to laugh when he
notices the entire place is quiet and there is some one behind him he turns
around to see Akane's battle aura glowing.
"eep"
Akane take out her mallet and with the battle cry "ANGEL NO
BAKA!!!" proceeds to flatten him into the ground. When she's done she
throws the letter on top of him and goes off mumbling darkly. A small and
pained voice suddenly speaks "And the winner is....*The More things
Change by RpM*! Now is there a doctor in the house?" Angel says as
he passes out.
Meanwhile, Rod strolls down the aisle, clad in dark blue docker
slacks and a white long-sleeve shirt, the sleeves rolled up. He looks a bit
surprised, even as he steps up to make his speech.
"Well... er... what can I say? I'm fairly surprised that I won this
thing. I absolutely, positively, REALLY loath and hate writing fight scenes,
and this one was no exception. Thanks, everybody!"
Rod walks off stage to applause. "And now," booms the announcer.
"to introduce the award for 'Best MiSTing of 1997', here are the stars of R&R
Reviews, Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki. They are joined by their producer,
LaShawn M. Taylor!"
Intro music plays as the stage lights up, but no one appears. As the
music ends, hoarse whispering can be heard.
"I can't believe this! I only turned my head for one minute..."
"I told you this would happen!"
"How can he do this?! This is my--I mean, our big scene!"
"Ah well. Too bad. Looks like we can't go out there after all. If you
excuse me--!"
"Hold it! You ain't goin' anywhere! I paid a lot of money for that tuxedo
and darn it, I'm gonna get what I paid for!" There was a soft click of a
cellular phone being flipped open. "Hello, T-bone?...I need you to find
Ryoga for me.....So what if it's not part of your job description; just
find him!...I don't know! Use that fancy locator device or something!"
"Sheesh. I still don't get why I gotta get dressed up and looking
all fancy if all I'm going to do is hand some piece of cheap plastic to a
guy who makes fun of folks' stories. And what's worse, none of this is even
real--it's all taking place in everyone's imagina--OW!"
"Will-you-shut-up-and-get-out-there?! And-SMILE!!!"
The music starts up again as Ranma and LaShawn walks--or on
Ranma's part, limps--to the podium. Ranma wears a black tuxedo with a
red handkerchief tucked in his pocket, and is looking nervously about.
LaShawn is wearing a glittering, sleeveless dark-green dress which
contrasts nicely with her dark skin. She is grinning a little too widely.
Upon reaching the podium, Ranma tugs on his collar and begins
reading from the TelePrompTer in front of him. "Uh, thank you. My,
LaShawn, you sure look lovely tonight!"
LaShawn giggles. "You don't look too bad yourself, Ranma."
Ranma just smiles nervously. LaShawn pokes him in the side.
"Go on!" she whispers while still grinning.
Ranma says out the side of his mouth. "But that's Ryoga's part,
isn't it?"
"He's not here, so you'll have to take his parts as well!"
"Oh, man." He speaks louder. "Yes, LaShawn. In fact, if this
was our show, I would give you a definite thumbs up for that dress of
yours." He visibly flinches.
"Oh Ryo--I mean, Ranma, you can be such a flatterer!"
"Don't pay him--I mean, me, any mind. Besides, I would give you
two thumbs up instead of one. You have to know what's good and what's
not. That what makes a good reviewer."
He takes a deep breath and continues. "Yes, Ra--uh, me, uh.
Right. But it takes a special kind of finesse to not only review a fic, but to
analyze it line-by-line, and come up with snappy repertoire and one-liners to
compliment it or put it down. In some cases, the critique of the fic can
overshadow the fic itself in style, humor and wit. That's why we're here
to celebrate the creators of these fabulous critiques, or MiSTings, named
after the hilarious cable program--Aw, this is crap! Who writes this stuff
anyway? I don't even know what a 'repertoire' is! Whoever wrote this
outta be shot--OW!"
LaShawn steps off of Ranma's foot and growls happily into the
microphone, "ANYWAY, the nominees for the best MiSTing of a fanfic are..."
Suddenly, there is a low rumbling sound. Ranma and LaShawn
looks bewilderedly about when the floor beside them rips open. Ryoga pops
out of the newly-made hole, shaking the dust off of his own tuxedo. Yes, he is
still wearing his trademark bandanna. "AT LAST!!!! I FOUND IT!!! IT TOOK
ME A WHILE, BUT I FOUND IT!!! NOW I CAN--" He blinks. "Wait a minute.
This isn't the bathroom."
LaShawn glares at him. "YOU IDIOT! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!"
Ryoga looks chagrined. "I told you I was going to the bathroom..."
"AND I SAID WAIT UNTIL AFTERWARDS, YOU DOLT!" LaShawn
grabs him by the ear and yanks him over to the podium. "Just for that, you're
gonna read the nominees ALL BY YOURSELF!"
Ranma adds nonchalantly. "I told you to go before we left."
Ryoga glares at him, then puts on a fake smile and reads from the
TelePrompTer. "Yes, Ranma. But it takes a special kind of finesse--"
"Been there already, P-chan."
"I AM NOT P-CHA--OWWW!"
LaShawn steps off of Ryoga's foot and growls, not so nicely as before.
"Will-you-read-the-stupid-nominations?!"
"Uh, okay. The nominees for the "Best MSTing" of a fanfic are:
-- "Artemis's Lover 6.7" by Megane 6.7
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/megane.htm>
Ranma makes a retching sound but instantly shuts up at LaShawn's glare.
-- "Evanjellydonut 1&3" by The Eternal Lost Lurker
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502/>
-- "Judge Brainitite 6.7" by Megane 6.7
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/megane.htm>
-- "The More Things Read" by RpM
<http://www.tfs.net/~tbutler/FFC/Muho.html>
-- "Transitions 6.7" by Megane 6.7
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/megane.htm>
Ryoga blinks at the TelePrompTer. "Say, don't you think it's a bit odd
that three of these nominations are done by the same guy who is also putting
together this sho--OOF!"
LaShawn retrieves her elbow from Ryoga's side and smiles prettily.
"And the winner is..."
She holds out her hand for the envelope. Ranma looks at Ryoga,
who begins to pat his tuxedo. A few seconds pass, and Ryoga is turning red.
LaShawn's hand begins to tremble.
Ranma deadpans. "You didn't."
"Uh, heh, heh. I thought it was here a few minutes ago."
LaShawn slowly looks at Ryoga. "You. Lost. It?"
"Well, I put it down for a second. You see, I was asking the Eskimo
for directions to the bathroom--"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PUT--!!" There is a faint ringing
sound. LaShawn stops in mid-rant, looks embarrassingly about, then pulls
out her cellular phone (never mind where she pulls it from, okay?).
"Hello?...T-bone?....Oh, thank God!...Yes, bring it here!...Yes, we
need it now!" She turns to the audience. "It's okay. My assistant found it.
She's bringing it up here no-OH MY GOD!!!"
T-bone runs onto the stage. Maybe a better word would be 'bounce',
for instead of being dressed elegantly, she is dressed in a green shirt, its
bottom tucked into the top of the shirt and then pulled down again so as to
accent her, um, talents. She is also in short shorts and is barefoot. Ranma
gapes. Ryoga 'acks' and passes out in a spray of blood. LaShawn--understandably,
since T-bone is her alter ego--loses it completely.
"AUUUUUGHHH!!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!?!?!"
T-bone saunters up to the podium. "Excuse me, Miss
I-don't-see-your-invitation-so-don't-bother-dressing-up, but it was your
idea, not mine. So if you got a problem," Abruptly, she pushes LaShawn
off the stage. "deal with it, honey." She turns to the audience and
smiles saucily. "Anyway, like, the winner of this nomination is..."
She digs in her shirt for a moment, which causes Ranma's eyes to
pop out some more. After a few seconds of rummaging, she pulls out the
envelope and opens it. "Well, deeeg, who would've thought! The winner
is *The More Things Read" by RpM!* And while he's making his way down
here, let me send a big puckered hello to all my boys down on the south side
of Chi-town! Yo, homeys, whass'up, baaaaaaaybee!"
Rod blinks, blinks again, and has a 'who, me?' look on his face. He
strolls up to the stage once more, but just as he reaches for the microphone,
LaShawn scrambles out of the hole in the stage floor. Her dress is in shreds,
but that doesn't stop her from leaping onto T-bone back and trying her best
to throttle her. "YOU RUINED MY OPENING! HOW COULD YOU!
DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!"
Rod tries to make his speech around the two fighting girls. Finally
he casts a helpless look at Ranma, who picks up the two struggling girls,
"Man, how existential can you get?" Tossing LaShawn to the waking Ryoga,
both boys walk out, while LaShawn and T-bone strain at each other.
Shrugging, Rod starts his speech again when offstage:
"RANMA! I KNEW IT, YOU TWO-TIMING JERK!"
"AKANE? HOW D'YOU GET BACK HERE?"
"RAN-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR
CUTE FIANCEE, AND NOW YOU'RE CARRYING THAT BIMBO LIKE
YOU DON'T CARE!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIMBO, YOU FLAT-CHESTED
CROSS-DRESSER?! SHAMPOO'S RANMA'S BIMBO, NOT ME!"
"AIYAH! SHE RIGHT! SHAMPOO RANMA'S BIMBO, NOT--HEY!!!!"
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!! YOU LITTLE HARRIDAN!
RELEASE YOUR HOLD ON RANMA-SAMA OR I'LL RELEASE IT
MYSELF!"
"DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT TO MY ALTER-EGO! SHE STILL
NEEDS TO GET POUNDED BY ME!"
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, RANMA!"
"CAN IT, P-CHAN!"
"I! AM!! NOT!!! P-CHAAAAAAAN!!!!!!"
A blast of epic proportions renders the back of the stage non-existent.
Rod stares at the carnage, then resumes reading his speech.
"Er... this one I really didn't expect to win. I mean, I've never
seen Mystery Science Theater in my life, and quite frankly I think John
Biles does it better. But hey, I'll take what I can get. Thanks, guys!"
Rod walked off stage as the announcer's voice is heard once
again. "And now, here to present for 'Best Shortfic of the Year' is Scott
Jamison!"
The crowd cheers as Scott K. Jamison, aka SKJAM!, approaches
the podium. The notorious progenitor of the Revengefic has managed to
find a tuxedo for tonight's festivities, and actually looks quite presentable.
He turns back to the wings for a moment.
"Not now! I'm on!"
"But you promised!" comes a female voice.
"Later!"
Scott turns back to face the audience. "Ladies and gentlemen, and
fanfic authors, it is my pleasure to present the award for 'Best Shortfic', defined
as a complete story under five `pages' in length. The nominees are...."
-- "Another Angel" by Scott Jamison
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990/>
-- "C-ko Vs Godzilla!" by Eddie Vagg
<http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Academy/1378/>
-- "So Many Memories" by TimeRunner
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482/fanfic.html>
-- "Ukyo and Ryouga" by Gary Kleppe
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics>
-- "Wedded Bliss" by Scott Jamison
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990/>
"And the winner is..." Scott opens the envelope. *Ukyo and Ryouga*
by Gary Kleppe!"
Scott waits for Gary to come up to the podium, hands him the statuette,
then cedes the mike. As he walks into the wings, the female voice from before
says, "Finally! Now get changed!" Meanwhile, Gary begins his acceptance
speech.
Gary: Thanks, Scott, Megane, and thanks to anyone who voted for
"Ukyo and Ryoga." I really appreciate it!
Like all of the satirical stuff I do, this story was intended in the
spirit of fun and good humor, and not meant to offend those who do think
that these two characters make a good match.
This story was actually conceived and written in just a few hours time.
There was a spam thread on the FFML about whether or not U&R were a
great couple. I got to thinking about the kind of relationship they
actually did have in the original series, and this story expressed what
I had to say on the subject better than more spam could've. So the moral
is: make fics, not SPAM!
[A voice is heard from behind.]
Voice: That's a nice sentiment, sugar!
[Gary turns to see a certain spatula-wielding okonomiyaki chef, with a
bandanna-clad youth standing next to her.]
Gary: ACK!
Ryoga: What, you weren't expecting us?
Ukyo: We sure weren't gonna miss the presentation of *this* award!
Gary: You're here to revenge-fic me?
Ukyo: Now, would we do a thing like that? Calm down, honey!
Gary: I'm only human! I can't take the kind of punishment people like
you can dish out!
Ryoga: Coward. Don't worry, we're not here to take revenge on you.
We've been in fics that treated us far worse than yours did.
Gary: Really?
Ukyo: Absolutely, sugar. You'd have to do something much, MUCH
more terrible to us before we'd come looking for revenge. So relax!
Gary: Whew! What a relief! Well, I'll be going then.
[Gary walks out of shot. Suddenly, another female voice is heard.]
Voice: KILL, Katsunishiki!!
Gary (voice from out of shot): AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The horrible sounds of man being mauled to death by pig are heard.
Ukyo and Ryoga stand, staring.]
Ryoga: Ouch.
Ukyo: Yeah. That's gotta hurt. So... I guess we should clear off so
they can do the next award. Wanna go have some okonomiyaki?
Ryoga: Sure, any kind except pork.
[They walk off, as we cut abruptly back to Megane 6.7]
"Uh, thanks guys. Okay....Our next presenter needs no introduction.
He is the moderator for the FFML and he is here to present the 'Spammer
of 1997' Award. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tybalt!"
Tybalt walks on stage to applause and wastes little time getting to his
speech.
"As moderator, I'm down on spam. Hate it. Despise it."
"So when I was asked to give an award for Spammer of the Year,
I jumped at the chance. The chance ran in terror, but that's to be expected."
"Spam is an important part of the FFML, but those who overindulge
in it ruin the list for the rest of us. And so, tonight we honor the ingrate who's
sheer disregard for the welfare of others has made life miserable for the rest
of us."
"A special consolation prize goes to what's-his-name who was
lobbing for the award... hrm... not sure who he was, really. Didn't even
make the nominees. Anyway, to make him feel better, I'll tempban him if
he tries the stunt again."
"But, on to the honorable candidates...."
"The nominees are:
-- Dustin "Spiffy" Goeller for his "Party while Tybalt's away"
thread, which I sadly missed. This was only one of his numerous
offenses... I believe I've tempbanned him twice.
-- Tendo Nabiki for the "Which are the best fanfics?" question,
which brought partisans out of the woodwork and nearly
crashed the list.
-- Damon Casale, instigator of the infamous "Evolution" and
"Split the list" threads. Damon is also a tempban earner, more
than once. And runs the Spam ML. Truly, a great one in the field of
bandwidth wastage.
-- Emperor Stephen "The Mega Man" Schulter, for numerous acts
of petty ego and stupidity beyond count. Never tempbanned
him, though in retrospect I should have.
-- Dr. Thinker, a misnomer if ever I heard one, for his
assassination of Lurker. It's a little known fact that he had
previously been banned for being a smeg several months
before. Not so much a spammer as a troublemaker.
"Public Enemies all."
"As a additional prize, the winner will receive the special
FFML classification of Head Jackass, and will be tempbanned if he or she
spams at all any time during 1998, at my discretion."
"The envelope, please."
"And the winner is....oh....I should say, the *winners* are both
*Dustin "Spiffy" Goeller* and *Dr. Thinker*."
The announcer's voice booms again. "Accepting the award for
Dustin and Dr. Thinker is Megane 6.7" Megane 6.7 walks out on stage
and approaches the podium....
NO! I WANT IT!! IT'S MINE!! MINE!!!" A voice screams
from the back.
Megane 6.7 turns to see a disheveled Mercutio suddenly rush
onto the stage, pursued by a squad of CB security guards armed with mini
chicken cannons. Mercutio grabs the awards as he rushes past the podium
and continues to run offstage, the CB squad hotly in pursuit. Megane 6.7
turns back to the audience and shrugs before leaving the stage.
At the same time, a young bespectacled man, attired in a Tuxedo
walks out to the stage. He is accompanied by another gentleman, wearing only
what can be described as a Blue Armani From Hell.
"Dr. Maxwell Edison, author of *Die Hard 2031* and *The Blue
Project*, will now present the Chicken Ball Award for 'Best Revengefic of 1997'!"
The announcer booms.
Maxwell: Howdy Folks.
Jester Blue: Hi ya'll! (looks around) Where's Elvis?
Maxwell: He's not here.
Jester Blue: Hey! That's not fair, you said I could see Elvis if I gave
this stupid speech! Why I ought'a...
Maxwell: (whaps JB with a silver hammer)
Jester Blue: No respect, no respect!
Maxwell: "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Jester Blue: Like Pizza.
Maxwell: Ahem. Yes, something like that. Well, it's time to find out
which author ...
Jester Blue: ... was Masochistic enough to write one of these things.
Maxwell (gives Jester the Hairy Eyeball): So anyway. The Nominees are...
Jester Blue: "A Conversation With Nabiki" by Joseph Palmer
<http://www.best.com/~jpalmer/fanfic/fanfic.shtml>
Maxwell: "Greg Sandborn's Notes from the Bunker" by Foxhole
<http://www.microlink.net/~sandborn/gregff.html>
Jester Blue: "Richard Gets What's Coming To Him" by Richard Lawson
<http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/sterman/fanfic.htm>
Maxwell: "Sauce" by Scott Jamison.
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990/>
Jester Blue: "Wedded Bliss" by Scott Jamison
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990/>
Maxwell: And the winner is...
Jester Blue: You know, I think Frenchy should'a got one.
Maxwell: Huh?
Jester Blue: Yeah. Frenchy always writes them IOUs.
Maxwell: This isn't the best RENEGE award, it's the best revenge award.
Jester Blue: The Keebler does that too!
Suddenly, the French Elf in question materializes, punts Jester, Armani and
all, into the Stratosphere.
Francois: You were saying Monsieur?
Maxwell: Anyway the winner is....*Sauce* by Scott Jamison!
As the "Theme from Sauce" ("Please Smile For Me", ripped off
from "Legendary Idol Eriko") plays, Kasumi in a stunning (but not
immodest) white evening gown leads someone down the aisle. It's an
adorable looking brown-haired five-year-old girl in a pink and white
dress that looks like it was made from spun sugar.
Upon getting to the podium, the little girl turns to Kasumi and
says, "See? Sauce, not Wedded Bliss. I did *not* have to do this."
Kasumi just smiles.
A stool is moved over for the girl to stand on, and she says,
"Thanks, everybody! It's always nice to know my work is appreciated.
I'd like to give special thanks to my parents, God, and the cast of
`Ranma 1/2', without whom `Sauce' would never have happened."
Kasumi clears her throat.
"Oh, and an especially big thank you to Kasumi-oneechan!"
The eldest Tendou daughter smiles again.
Scott-chan, let's get you home now. It's past your bedtime, and I
got some new recipes from that other Kasumi," she gestures to
Axe-Murderer Kasumi, next to J. Austin Wilde, "that you'll just die for...."
"SKJAM!"
The camera returns to Megane 6.7 as he announces the next
presenter.
"And now, who better to present the award for 'Best Crossover of
the Year', than the author of *TRIO* and *FFML Royal Rumble*, Ladies
and Gentlemen, here is The Flashman!"
Flashman walks on stage to generous applause as he begins his
speech.
"What would happen if Ranma Saotome met Eek the Cat? How
about Sailor Moon VS GI Joe? Dragon Ball Z and Bananas in Pajamas?
Bubble Gum Crisis and Captain Planet? They seem pretty bizarre, don't
they?"
"Well, that's what this award is all about, giving the most unusual,
unique and plain out WEIRD crossover of the year its due. And remember,
if you see a crossover that you think wouldn't go, give it a chance, cause it
might just surprise you. And now, the top five nominees for Best Crossover
of 1997 are...."
-- "Bishoujo Senshi Kekko Moon" by The Eternal Lost Lurker
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502/>
-- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles
<http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/>
-- "ReGenesis: Half Impact" by the The Eternal Lost Lurker
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502/>
-- "South Park/Ranma Crossover" by Mee-Lise Robinson
<MEEROBINSON@vassar.edu>
-- "The (sur)Real World" by RpM
<http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/sw/>
Flashman opens the envelope. "And the winner is 'The (sur)Real
World' by RpM!"
The crowd erupts into loud cheers as Rod blinks, has that ridiculous
'who, me?' look on his face again, and happily strolls up to the stage.
"Well... er... what to say on this...To understand how I feel about
the success of [sur]Real World, imagine if you idly doodled on paper, put it
aside, and found out someone put it up in the New York Museum of Art."
"This series was just a weird fun thing for me, created when the big
trend in fanfic writing was to write a darkfic. NOT that there's anything wrong
with Darkfics. Nono. I just miss comedy writing. There's not enough comedy
writers out there, really. Comedic fics are pretty much in the minority, and that
hasn't changed much. I ask, plead, BEG of you, don't forget to make'em laugh?
Thanks for the award, folks! G'nite!"
As Rod leaves the stage with his award, The announcer's voice is heard
again. "And now, to present the award for 'Best One Hour Challenge', here is
the author of *Dying Fire* and *Justification is in Order*, as well as the co-host
for these prestigious awards, give it up for Robin 'Lunari' Seabaugh!"
The CB awards orchestra strikes up the catchy theme for the evening as
Lunari takes the stage in her glittering dress made of yen coins. She gives
a bright smile to the camera and looks to the TelePrompTer.
Lunari: Deadlines are something not normally heard of in the world of anime
fanfiction on the internet. Fanfic writers grab a snatch of writing any
time they can. Whether between classes, after their parents have finished
using the computer, or even in the middle of the night when no one is
around, fanfic writers are giving it their all whenever the situation
presents itself."
"Recently a challenge was posted on the FFML for writers
to create a story in the span of one hour only, all revisions if any taking
place within that time. Our versatile writers jumped at the chance. The
next award goes to one of five pieces of fanfiction written under the one-hour
challenge. The nominees include....
-- "Blue" by Scott Schimmel
<http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/>
-- "Into the Mind of a Fanfic Writer" by Megane 6.7
<fcasper@yesic.com>
-- "Suicide Blast" by Keener
<otakunxs@bellsouth.net>
-- "The Customer" by Joseph Palmer
<http://www.best.com/~jpalmer/fanfic/fanfic.shtml>
-- "Yuuki" by Joseph Palmer
<http://www.best.com/~jpalmer/fanfic/fanfic.shtml>
Lunari: The competition was fierce and the tension is high. After
tallying up the votes for the best One-Hour challenge, the winner is ..
<Lunari tries to rip open the envelope with little avail. She smiles
thinly and tries to tear it open.>
Lunari: Heh-heh, Like I said, the winner is ...
<Lunari claws at the envelope and tries to tear it open. Nothing happens.
She catches the paper between her teeth, smearing her lipstick over the
paper, and tears the envelope in half. Her eyes go wide as the torn paper
flutters to the podium. She tries piecing them together to read.>
Lunari: The winner ... is ... I think ...
<Lunari squints a moment at the paper.>
Lunari: Oh! The winner is 'Suicide Blast' by Keener!
Congratulations!
The audience broke into applause as Keener approaches the stage,
accompanied by David Row, drop dead gorgeous demoness and Chief of Fred
Security. Barry Cadwgan, somber man and Head Engineer. Stragazer,
expierenced male military officer and LPAC Commander. Hunter/Huntress
<if splashed with cold water> Male with a suffering sigh and FredSwat
Commander <police> OR Female Dyrad with a Mihoshi mixed with Nuku
Nuku style personality.
As well, ther was Douglas and Stormy, male and female couple, one a
Spec Ops officer, the other a diety of weather. Helix, rather stuck up and
obnoxcious Jurian nobleman and HAVOC member. Rune and Cypher, grim
mercenary with a cybernetic Raven <Rune>. Krudd, amalgalm of Krillian from
Dragon Ball Z and Elmer Fudd, nice guy, speech impediment. Keener
approaches the podium as he begins his speech.
"I can't believe it. I mean, it's not like I was expecting any dairy
products or what not, but really. When you think of fic awards, you
generally go... oh yeah, those things Biles and Lawson win. Not that they
don't deseve them, but me? Parrot King and Best of the Best mix about as
well as Gin and Jolt Cola, you get a buzz, but the results can hardly help
but be flamable. I just can't get over this, I mean Suicide Blast Two's
first draft winning something...
"Of course, the actual fic hardly rated notice... months in the
making... wore out my Key cd's... and yet not a peep... I mean, it's not
like I was expecting much..." Keener began looking down darkly, a few black
tendrils of energy slowly reaching from the shadows. "...but a couple of 'It
Doesn't Suck' would have really hit the spot... heck, a few, it SUCKS would
have tasted mighty good betweent the old cheek and gums!" Energy from deep
within the netherest voids of entropic nothingness lash out, encircling the
hack, tossing the podium to the side.
"Sure I've made a few mistakes, that Logs N Love thing, all those
pointless yaoi slash potatoe lemons, a few broken promises, and yeah, I
haven't finished a fic since the first time those Totorro versus the Python
bunny threads ceased being fic related... but really... can't a man learn?
Must he keep ON paying?" Frustration and and those rather pulpy veins doing
the watosee about his face, the bishonen writer held a fireman axe toward
the heavens, as though expecting some sort of answer... or at least an
aspirin.
Barry looked to David and sighed heavily. The demoness nodded, took a
rather unconcerned draught from her glass and got up, motioning the others
to follow. Rune and Helix made as to join but settled slightly when the
Chief Engineer's gaze fell on them. "No, we can't have another HAVOC mess
can we? I think raving lunatic is enough, okay? Douglas, you and Stormy can
play back up. You wouldn't have an containment field handy, Hunter?"
"For Keener?" the Swat officer asked incredously.
"I guess your right." Barry watched as the two overly powered self
inserted females tackled the madman to the ground. Krudd shock his head
slightly, and stepped onto the stage. Keener was dragged off the stage with
all the ceremony generally attributed to month old laundry while Elmer Fudd
walked up to the podium.
"Wadies and gentwemen. Keener wouwd wike to say thank you to evewyone
who has wead and enjoyed his wowk, he pwomises to do his best in the futuwe
and is constantwy chawwenged by the vawied and incwedible tawent that makes
this wist it's home. Special thanks to awl his pweweaders, Gawy Kweepe, JD
Fawber... the Haggis King, FFIWC, Fcasper, Nickowas F Towedo and Monica
Akiwa-san... and to evewyone ewse on this wist. Good night."
Echoing from the backstage, sending... if not actual shivers, then at
least nervous twitches who did impersonation... Keener's final cry filled
the hall. "And for the love of Goddess, and your own souls... PLEASE read
Suicide Blast 3, coming soon!"
<Lunari returned to the podium, giving Keener an odd look before
catching her reflection in the TelePrompTer and grimacing.>
Lunari: Well then, let's turn over to Megane 6.7 for the next category.
<The camera switches to Megane 6.7 taking a swig of coffee backstage, a
powdered doughnut in his other hand. He is chatting absently with Tsukino
Usagi, the girl dressed in a pink chiffon dress dotted with sprinkles from
the doughnut she is eating. Megane turns to look into the camera and his
eyes widen as large as Usagi's. He gives a powdery grin and blushes.>
Megane 6.7: (mouth full) Hi!
<Camera cuts to Lunari with a compact, reapplying lipstick. She looks up
at the camera and groans.>
Lunari: Like I said, we're going to a commercial. Stay with us for the
rest of the 1st Annual Chicken Ball awards!
<Chicken Ball theme goes up and out while the camera follows Lunari as she
stalks downstairs to the break room. Megane 6.7 wipes powder from his
tuxedo just as she arrives, and the camera cuts as she opens her mouth.>
Lunari: (very angry) What the hell are you *doing* Me-
* * *
ONE YEAR AGO....
Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old, and this is my little white companion, Artemis.
THE FANFICTION WORLD WAS SUBJECTED....
we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other,
and well how we lost our virginity.
TO THE ULTIMATE HORROR THAT WAS ARTEMIS'S LOVER....
He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a
crush on Artemis!! , even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.
AND IT'S AUTHOR, OSCAR....
i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me.
Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you.
AND EVEN THOUGH HIS WEBSITE IS NO MORE....
The trio fired their BFG's simultaneously at Oscar's coffin. A
moment later, it exploded in a blaze of glory, leaving behind a Star Wars
Special Edition-esque shockwave that shot out from all sides....
HIS SPIRIT LIVES ON TO THIS DAY....
RikMach - Many people believe now that Oscar is dead, his horror shall never cast a
shadow over our fair playground again. I think they're wrong....Oscar, and
his "Artemis' Lover" is a horror that is matched by little or nothing. any
who have read it cannot help but feel the horror of it chewing on the back of
their minds for as long as they live....
THIS MAY....
FANFICTION'S MOST INFAMOUS HERMAPHRODITE WILL RETURN....
AND MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7 WILL BE THERE TO GREET HIM....
"OSCAR TOON 6.7"
A SAILOR MOON/TINY TOONS/WARNER BROTHERS/WWF/
DRAGON BALL Z CROSSOVER....WITH DASHES OF LEMON.
BE AFRAID.....BE VERY VERY AFRAID....
The Shrine O' Oscar
<http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/Oscar.html>
* * *
As the camera fades back up on the awards, The CB theme plays
for a little while as the platform for speakers is currently empty. Suddenly,
a great gout of black-and-white flames burst up from the center of said
platform. It rages for a moment, then dies down, revealing a young man
standing in the midst of a charred circle. He's wearing sapphire blue pants
and a loose silver shirt, and his midnight-black hair is pulled into a loose
ponytail behind his head. He raises his hands above said head.]
Man: Welcome! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the presentation of the
"Best Lemon Series" Award. I am your presenter, Jarald Bailey!
[Cue wild applause from anonymous audience.]
Jarald: [His hands begin to crackle with electricity.] And now, my lovely
assistant, Mako-chan!
[The electricity slams down from his hands onto the platform in front of him,
charring more wood, but doing nothing else. Makoto, in a shimmering green
dress, walks up behind him and watches him, smirking.]
Jarald: Uhh... My lovely assistant, Mako-chan! [Does the electricity thing
again, with the same results.] My LOVELY assistant, MAKO-CHAN! [Makoto taps
him on the shoulder.] Oh... [bigsweats] Hi, Mako-chan... Now! [recovers his
poise] Bring the cloth!
[Makoto produces two large pieces of cloth from out of nowhere. One is blue,
the other is orange. She flips them around dramatically to show that nothing
is hiding in them, then lays them down flat on either side of Jarald. Jarald
waves his hands dramatically over the cloth, and twitches of movement can be
seen beneath them. Slowly, they begin to rise, large lumps growing in the
center. When the stop, it is obvious that human figures are hidden beneath.
Makoto whips the cloths away, revealing Sailor Mercury, who instantly attaches
herself to Jarald's arm, and Sailor Venus, who begins twirling her Love-Me
Chain around her fingers. Makoto retreats off-stage.]
Jarald: Now that I have some friends, just one more thing before the
presentation can commence. [looks to his left, at Venus, then to his right,
at Mercury.] If you will, ladies?
Venus: SUPREME...
Mercury: FLAME... Defense...
Jarald: ACTIVATION!!!!
[Several large men/women/its? dressed all in black drop out of the sky to
surround Jarald and the Senshi. The large men/women/its? are carrying
ridiculously oversized shields.]
Men/women/its?: [chanting as one] We are rubber, You is glue! Flames bounce
off we, and stick to you!
Jarald: Now, a lemon must have two things. One: Sex. Lots of it, or less,
but a lemon must have sex. I've never read a lemon that didn't have any,
because a lemon without sex isn't a lemon at all. Secondly, at lest minimal
mastery of the language in which you are writing. Without it, you get flamed
for writing a sucky story. Plot helps too. Case in point: Anything by
Oscar. Now, I don't have anything against Oscar personally, but I just think
his stories suck. [Enters MumbleRant mode.]
[The sound of an engine echoes through the hall. Rei, a chain in hand and
riding a motorcycle, appears from the right side of the screen and stops just
before hitting Jarald. Wrapping the chain around his neck, she speaks harshly
into his ear, followed by a yelled, "Do you understand?".Jarald nods, then Rei
leaves on her motorcycle.]
Jarald: As Rei has so.. enthusiastically.. pointed out, I'm not here to tell
you what to like and what not to like, I'm just here to present the award for
"Best Lemon Series". The nominees are:
-- "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles
<http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/>
-- "Lemonade Punch" by Paladin
<paladin@saturn.superlink.net>
-- "Nullifier 122" by Webdragon
<http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/>
-- "Ranma Nibun No Ichi" by Caroline Seawright
<http://www.ecr.mu.oz.au/~caseawr/>
-- "WiSC" by Lara Bartram
<http://www.emich.edu/public/llb/fanfic.html>
Jarald: Now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The
winner is....It's a tie! The winners are "Lemon Sherbet" by John Biles
and "Ranma Nibun No Ichi" by Caroline Seawright!
[Cue applause.]
Jarald: That's all for me, folks, and remember, I can be reached at either
<jbailey906@aol.com> or <jarald@hotmail.com>, so don't be afraid to e-mail me!
[Looks backstage, then bigsweats.] Gotta run! Ja ne!
[An angry Sailor Pluto comes from backstage.]
Pluto: You don't get away that easily. It's my turn!
[Pluto smashes Jarald over the head with the Time Staff, then, as he crumples
to the ground, throws him over her shoulder and stalks off-screen. Fade to
black on Mercury and Venus, heads together, laughing uproariously.]
Meanwhile, Kun-chan walks on stage, an aura of refinement and
elegance surrounding her. Her dark brown hair has been swept up in a
tasteful coiffeur. Her evening dress is an off the shoulder number, with a
black velvet bodice. The fitted waste sweeps out and down to the floor in
flowing cascades of emerald green silk.
She smiles happily as she walks to the center, her face shining
with happiness. Her emerald earrings set off her large, deep brown eyes that
sweep over the audience, a soft smile on her ruby coloured lips.
John sprints onto the stage behind her, pausing to toss a large book
titled, 'Nature's Metropolis' into the backstage area. There is a shout and a
thunk, followed by the sound of a body falling and impacting. He gives a
sigh of relief and scoots over to stand by Kun-chan. John has sandy colored
hair, short in front, but longer in back, spilling over his ears into little tufts
at odd angles. Gold-rimmed glasses perch on his nose, hiding hazel eyes,
and he is wearing a 'A-kon 96' T-shirt and blue jeans.
Caroline blinks over at John in surprise, but gives a smile,
then turns to face the auditorium. Lifting up a small set of flash cards,
she addresses the crowd.
"I am so happy, I don't know what to say! But I shall try to
think of something. I'd like to thank all of my loyal fans, those of you
who voted for me anyway. Without you, I would never have made it this far!
Thank you all!"
She pauses a moment for applause, then continues, "And I would
like to thank all of my sweet (and not-so-sweet) editors for their hard
work. (Yes, even the ones who try to tell me to write 'color' instead of
'colour' and 'specialize' instead of 'specialise'.)" She grins for a
moment, and consults her flash cards, "And I'd especially like to thank:
Skuld from KawaiiMUCK,
Sean Gaffney,
Sebastian Weinberg,
Kergma,
Rui Madeira,
Salomon Farin,
Alex Neilson,
Kevin Eav,
and anyone else on the FanficML who I've forgotten to
thank... Sorry if I did! I have a mind like a sieve, you know..."
She pauses for more applause, then smiles at John,
"And thank you for your editorial skills, too, John. And
I'd also like to thank God, for without whom, I would have no writing
skill at all. And also I'd like to thank each and every one of you. Thank
you!"
She steps back to the standing ovation.
John steps forward. "I'd like to thank all the lunatics who helped
preread Lemon Sherbet, especially Jeff Hosmer, my usual partner in
crime^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hfanfic writing. An especial thanks to Ken Arromdee as
well, who got me interested in Futaba-kun Change, and a heartfelt apology
to the creators of Dr. Who, who I dragged into the story for no good
reason at all."
Pacing back and forth, John continued his rant. "I'd also like to
thank my muses for their inspiration and of course, the blessed Ukyou for
shining her wisdom and grace down upon us, without which our lives would
gray okonomiyaki-less pits of despair! All hail Ukyou, the one true
fiancee!!!!!"
A wiser man would have picked a stage not being shared with
Caroline to say that, but then he wouldn't be John Biles, either.
John doesn't notice as Caroline turns on him, twitching
her hands just a little, as if to wrap them around someone's neck.
In a too-calm voice, she asks, "Ukyou?"
Too happy to notice her rather drastic change in mood,
he nods, "Yes, Ranma's one and only true fiancee, Ukyou! I thank her from
the bottom of my heart!"
This time, her voice is more of a growl, "Ukyou!? No way
would Ranma even _want_ Ukyou as a fiancee, let alone the 'true' fiancee!"
She pulls a slim, but sharp, knife from seemingly thin air. (Or maybe
her d�colletage...)
The knife twirls around in her hands like a living
creature, dancing and flashing with a deadly life of its own, poised...
"Akane is the true fiancee!!" Caroline stares at John,
almost daring him...
John whips out a huge golden spatula from behind the announcer's
podium. "Heretic! I must destroy you!"
The resulting battle is a whirling dance of blade and spatula,
ending only when a riot squad comes out with hoses and washes Caroline and
John off the stage and into the backstage area, where the sound of
fighting continues. As the next event is about to start, they charge back
on stage, driving off the riot squad, so they can continue their fight
with a proper audience!
Both soaking wet, a rumpled, ragged clothed and total
mess, both quite the worse for wear, but pretty energetic - their eyes
both burning with fanaticism!
Blade versus Spatula, they drip and fight all the way around the
stage, over the top of anyone who comes too close. Screams of "Akane!" and
"Ukyou!" can be heard through rest of the screams and occasional cry of
pain as one lands a hit on the other.
To and fro, they fight, this time the audience getting
into the fight, and cheering for their particular favorite. The fight
ripping Caroline's dress in various - almost lemony - ways, giving pretty
good fan service to the group of drooling hentai in the audience. They
just cheer when her dress gets even more ripped.
The Shampoo and Ranma-onna lovers pout, feeling totally
left out.
Finally, the administration is forced to take desperate measures,
and an anvil falls from the rafters, squashing both of them flat. They
are hauled off stage and tossed into an ambulance, but as it pulls away,
the sounds of battle begin once more...
CONTINUED IN PART 2....
Megane 6.7
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/megane.htm>
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/ran_fics.htm#Mega>
Robin 'Lunari' Seabaugh
<http://www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/~cto427/sm_fics.htm>