Mina-san, Ohayou!
In message <000201bd7667$f4af9a60$4a92e1cf@sterman>
"Richard Lawson" <sterman@uswest.net> wrote:
: Usually, however, such recollections are
: tinged with melancholy,
<nod>
: The
: past is also filled with regret, of sometimes painful longing for the road
: not taken, misgiving for the ill deed committed, remorse for the wrong
: never set right.
Better. But you know, I wonder about the "of" before sometimes.
It seems disjointed - isn't it missing its first referent?
:
: Goddess of My Harmful Deeds
:
: by Richard Lawson
:
Mk.II :)
: She'd found a barred window and had attempted to rip it open. That had
: proven much harder than she'd thought;
"Proved", I believe.
: She was under no circumstances going back to
: that place she'd awoken in this morning.
U-huh. Better. :)
: Speech was difficult, but she forced herself. "What's wrong, Kasumi? Why
: are you afraid?"
:
: Kasumi merely trembled where she stood.
:
: Akane drew another breath. "Please, what's going on? Where... where's
: Ranma?"
Also better, I believe.
: Tofu felt Akane's head carefully, then turned to Ranma. "There seems to
: be nothing physically wrong with her. She may have just been dreaming."
<nod>
: "Never to my knowledge," she said.
:)
: Ranma felt himself regaining his balance. He knew that calling the Onos
: was the right thing to do. They were here to help, and together, he and
: they would make things all right.
Better.
: Ranma grit his teeth for a second, then spoke slowly and calmly. "Kasumi.
: I know she's your sister. She's my wife, too.
Also good. Much more IC this way, IMO.
: "GO AWAY! GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!"
And Nodoka has gotten over her tendency to be... locationally
challenged. :)
: Akane clenched her jaw.
Probably better. Gritting your teeth too often is probably bad
for you. :)
: "DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, RANMA!" She gave him a vicious open-handed
: slap. Ranma was so mesmerized by her total fury that he didn't try to
: block it.
Ah, you corrected this for Ranma's changed location. Frankly, the
relative positions of the characters completely slipped me by when
I read this the last time. I was too caught up in the action. (or
rather creeped out.)
: Akane looked at a marker, a marker with letters that should spell a name,
Pst, Zen? THRRRRRRRRRPT! :PPP~
;)
: "Blood, my whole life is blood, blood and candy... and I don't know which
: is worse."
Hmm, yes. The ellipsis improves the timing of the sentence.
: but I couldn't get past the
: anger, the anger that lived inside me and made me think bad things about
: you and made me hit you, harder and harder and harder and HARDER..."
Whoah! Much more impact this way. Brrr.
: "No you're NOT!" Akane's voice became shrill. "YOU'RE not fine, I'M not
: fine, it will never be 'fine'."
Changed the emphasis here. Works better, I think.
: "No!" She squeezed her eyes shut. "We... forsaken, I'm... *you* did
: this! You were with *her*, you were *her* friend and you were *never* my
: friend and I hated you and loved you and hated you and... and... and I had
: a katana in my hands... and *she* was there and I hate her, I hate her
: *so* much and... and..."
Yes, I think this is much closer to what TILkane would feel and
say. Brrr.
: "You don't blame me? For killing you?"
:
: Ranma suppressed a twinge and instead smiled gently. "I... well, I
: forgive you."
:) Good.
: Her eyes moved over to the other markers. She flinched and looked away.
: "No," she said softly.
:
: Ryoga cocked his head. "What?"
:
: Tears began to fall from her eyes. "No! He was alive. I saw him and
: talked to him and he was alive, oh God oh God no no no NO!" She covered
: her face with her hands.
:
: Ryoga rushed over to her. "Akane, it's okay. Please, don't... don't do
: this."
:
: She trembled, lowered her hands, and studied them carefully. "Blood. My
: hands were bleeding just now. Ranma... Ranma's stomach was... was..."
:
: Slowly, with considerable effort, she turned to face the markers. She
: stared at them for a long time, breathing heavily. Ryoga didn't know what
: to do, so did nothing, praying that something good would happen.
:
: Finally she looked back at Ryoga, tears still running down her face.
: "Ranma's dead. Isn't he?"
:
: Ryoga slowly nodded.
:
: Akane looked down at her hands. "And... and I killed him, didn't I?"
:
: A bit of relief flooded Ryoga. At last she was acknowledging it. "Yes."
:
: Akane went over to Ranma's marker. She put a trembling hand on it.
: "Ranma. Thank you for... for what you said, for helping me, for being
: alive even though you're dead. I promise I'll try. I'll get better
: because you want me to." She leaned over Ranma's marker and spoke in an
: agonize whisper. "But it hurts so much."
Hot damn! This is improved by orders of magnitude.
: "Okay." She straightened and turned towards him. "You're Ryoga, right?"
:
: He sighed heavily. "Yes. I'm Ryoga."
: "Thank you, P-chan." Akane smiled, then looked forward and begin humming
: softly as she walked. Ryoga looked over at Akari in surprise, finding
: relief and amusement in her eyes.
:D Great! Obviously she could only figure it out while her mind
was detached from the reality of her life. :)
But it's "began".
: "Hush, Akane." Ranma shook her. "I forgive you. I mean, I wasn't no
: good either. I insulted you plenty of times."
Hmmm. Actually I liked the previous version better, but I think
Zen's opinion should govern here. How 'bout it, Zen? Is this
better?
: Ranma drew a big breath. "Okay. You're right, hitting wasn't so good,
: especially when you did it out of anger. But Akane... you'd never kill
: me. I know that. If you were to ever get *that* carried away, I would
: stop you. But you never did. Even in your rage you had control. Please,
: don't worry that you'd ever really hurt me. You haven't. And you won't."
:
: Akane sighed loudly. "Th-thank you, Ranma. I will never... never strike
: you in anger again."
:
: Ranma smiled gently. "Okay. Sounds fair. But do remember to keep
: calling me an idiot when I deserve it. Hell, I hope you'll hit me over
: the head with a mallet *once* in a while, for old time's sake, even if you
: don't do it out of anger. It wouldn't be the same otherwise."
Heh! Nice. I like it.
: AUTHOR'S NOTES
:
: "The Bitter End" is by Zen. He has kindly allowed me to use his
: characters in this story. If you haven't read it, do. It's an excellent
: piece of work.
I do not doubt that.
: "Thy Inward Love" is by me, of course. Consider TIL and TBE to be the
: bookends of possible endings to a Ranma/Akane marriage. :)
Now for a crossover with _Sour Times_... :)
Sebastian