Here's something that's been floating around my head for quite some time
now...

Camera directions in [].

[ We open on an exterior shot of the Tendo Dojo. A Japanese remix of Cajun
music is playing. (Just download a Cajun MIDI and tweak your mixer to
instruments 106 through 110 or so. Neat effect.) The camera zooms inside,
with Ranma seated apprehensively at the dinner table. Akane comes out of the
kitchen, clothes covered with a mixture of grease and soot, face almost
solid black, hair charred... it ain't pretty. She sets down a covered
platter before Ranma.]

James Earl Jones (offscreen): You eat...

[Akane lifts the cover to reveal... a gelatinous blob which vaguely
resembles curry. It's burnt.]

J.E.J. (o. s.): ...food.

[Ranma looks at the camera with a look on his face which quite plainly says
"THIS is FOOD?!"]

[Cut to the grounds of Graviton High. A-ko and C-ko are seated under a tree;
B-ko is a few meters away, in the cockpit of a completely scrapped mech
which is resting on the charred earth of a fairly large impact crater.
There's a light sheen of sweat on A-ko's forehead. C-ko takes a bento from
her backpack and offers it to A-ko, who hesitantly accepts.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): You get...

[C-ko flashes her best kawaii smile at A-ko, who raises a chunk of beef from
the box to her mouth, chews, and swallows. Her eyes go wide.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): ...heartburn.

[A-ko tilts her head back, opens her mouth, and screams. A forty-foot lance
of flame erupts from her mouth, burning most of the leaves off the tree. The
tree is now a smoking ruin of its former self.]

[Cut to the interior of Mamoru Chiba's apartment. He has a distinctly pained
look on his face, and there is smoke billowing from what we can only assume
to be the kitchen. Usagi pokes her head through the kitchen's doorway...
she's laughing nervously.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): You take...

[The shot sort of swings aside... we were actually looking at the mirrored
front of his medicine cabinet, which is now opening.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): ...Maalox.

[Sure enough, there's a bottle of the stuff inside the cabinet. A very large
bottle, accompanied by a very large spoon, on its own shelf. Mamoru grabs
both of them, and the door to the cabinet closes.]

[Cut back to the Tendo Dojo. Ranma's sitting at the table with an empty
plate in front of him, and is looking a bit green. He somehow manages to
force a smile, and Akane smiles back, her eyes welling up with tears.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): Life...

[Cut back to the courtyard of Graviton High. There are wisps of smoke coming
from A-ko's mouth, but she's otherwise OK. B-ko's mech struggles to its feet
and staggers toward A-ko. A-ko turns, sees the mech coming, and burps out a
slightly smaller tongue of flame. It melts through the mech's knee joint,
and the mech collapses back into the crater. C-ko flashes a smile again, and
hugs A-ko, who grins nervously.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): ...is...

[Cut back to Mamoru's apartment. He and Usagi are seated on a couch... and
there's still a faint haze of smoke in the air. They're watching a
late-night monster movie. The movie's music builds to a crescendo, and Usagi
screams and hugs Mamoru. He winces a bit from the pain, but manages to
smile.]

J. E. J. (o. s.): ...goooooood.

[Fade to black.]

Disclaimers: Maalox, the spoofed commercial, Ranma 1/2, Project A-ko, and
Sailor Moon are all copyright their creators (or, in Maalox's case, the team
which developed the formula) and any and all distributors of their work.

And anyone who needs a commercial break is free to use this one.

--G. Falconar