And another one on the same theme...

***

[Open on Ranma and Akane arguing about something. He sneers 
"Kawaiikune!" and turns his back on her. She trembles with rage and 
begins to glow.]

Akane: Rrrrrrrraaanmaaaaaaaaa...

[He turns back towards her just in time to catch the business end of the 
BFM 10K dead center. WHAM!]

Akane: ...no BAKA!!!

[Fade to black.]

[Ranma opens his eyes and sits up in a remarkably large and luxurious 
bed. He mutters "Darn that Akane!" and clutches his head where she hit 
him. Hmmm? No lump? And his usual post-malleting headache...it's gone! 
In fact, Ranma's never felt better in his...]

Deep Voice Over: WELCOME, RANMA SAOTOME...TO ETERNITY.

[...life.]

[What was that again?]

[Ranma looks around the unfamiliar room. It seems bigger than the entire 
Tendo home, whiter-than-white, and unnaturally sunny, and he sees 
everything as if through an extreme soft-focus lens. There is tasteful 
music playing quietly in the background, coming from no obvious source. 
A faint flapping, which just might be the sound of angelic wings, seems 
to resound from unimaginable distances.]

Ranma: I'm...dead?

[He stands up and stretches, then performs a quick kata. Death doesn't 
seem to have slowed him down any, at least. Suddenly, a door appears in 
front of him. It opens. A bright light beckons him forward.]

Ranma (shrugging): Whaddaya know...I've gone to Heaven. Never woulda 
believed it, to hear everyone else talk about me. You'd think I was some 
kind of perverted, two-timing...no four- or five-timing, gluttonous, 
freeloading, arrogant egotist to listen to them!

[He goes through the door. On the other side, he finds himself in a long 
corridor, the light at the far end drawing him on. As he walks forward, 
he feels all his mortal cares and fears slipping away. To his right and 
left, images appear. The first is a list of rules and regulations for 
the afterlife. He reads it casually and snorts. He's dead already. What 
can they do to him if he breaks a rule or two? A clause marked NO PETS 
POLICY catches his eye. "It is strictly forbidden to bring CATS, BLACK 
POTBELLIED PIGLETS or PANDAS onto the premises."]

Ranma: Hmmm, I'm beginning to like this place already.

[He turns to see the next image; it is the Tendo family at his grave 
marker. Akane is sobbing wildly. "Oh, Ranma...I never told you...how I 
_really_ felt. And now...it's too laaaaaate...!" Ranma feels a brief 
pang, but then can't help grinning.]

Ranma: Heh, heh, heh. I _knew_ it! I knew that uncute tomboy had a thing 
for me and just refused to admit it. Well, who's laughin' now?

[As he proceeds, his mood becomes lighter and lighter. The images show 
him both what he has left behind and what he can expect to come, and he 
quickly sheds whatever regrets he might have felt when he first "awoke". 
He's whistling cheerfully by the time he walks through the light...]

[...and into what looks like the Tendo house.]

Ranma: I guess this place really was "home", in my heart. I'm sorta glad 
I don't have to move on...and I have the place all to myself. Privacy at 
last! 

[His stomach growls.]

Ranma: What? How can I be hungry? Oh, well, maybe Kasumi's makin' lunch 
already, and I can...uh, wait. Oh, no. I hope I ain't gonna have to do 
all my own cooking here. It'll be a long infinity if I do...

[He goes into the kitchen and gasps. The insubstantial form of Kasumi is 
there, presenting him with a plate of undeniably real food. "Here's your 
lunch, Ranma," her ghostly voice whispers, and she disappears. He tries 
the food. It's delicious.]

Ranma: Wow. This is great. But what I'm really in the mood for is some 
of Ukyo's okonomiyaki...

[Suddenly, the form of Ukyo appears, holding a tray of Ranma's 
favourites. "Hope you like them, sugar." She, too, vanishes.]

Ranma (beginning to get the idea): Say...some Nekohanten House Noodle 
Special would go down nice right about now...

[Ghost-Shampoo materializes. "Airen try new recipe?" She sets the bowl 
in front of him and--poof! She's gone.]

Ranma: Well, well. All the food I want, when I want it, and _no 
fiancees_ to worry about! I could get used to this.

[Ranma eats to his heart's content, then makes his way out to the dojo 
for a little practice. Just as he wishes he had a sparring partner or 
two, Ryoga, Kuno and Mousse appear. Instead of just whaling on him, 
though, they stand respectfully, stepping forward and bowing when he 
takes up a combat stance, and vanishing when he's done. They all put up 
a good fight, but he wins handily.]

Ranma: Better and better. I can still fight, but without having all 
those psycho rivals ambushing me every time I turn around.

[Ranma whoops and somersaults with glee. This is better than he could 
have dreamed!]

Ranma: Time to finish a perfect day with a nice long soak in the bath...

[He heads into the bathroom, kicking off his clothes. The tub is already 
filled. He fills a basin with cold water and pours it over his head. 
Onna-Ranma gasps and shivers, then sticks her foot into the tub.]

Ranma: Eee-yow! Cold!

[She sticks her hand into the tub and fishes out an ice cube.]

Ranma: What the...?

[She turns to the faucet and twists the hot water on. There is a 
gurgling in the pipes, but nothing comes through. With sudden sick 
dread, she runs to every faucet in and around the house. Plenty of cold 
water--not a single drop of hot. In desperation, she dashes into the 
kitchen and fills a kettle. The gas stove hisses briefly, then the pilot 
light goes out. She rummages through the drawers. No matches. She 
breathes faster and faster, panicking, as she realizes that she has no 
way to re-light the stove, until she finally stops, looks around, and 
realizes something.]

Ranma: Wait a minute...WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!

Deep Voice Over: GOT HOT WATER?

***

All characters are the property of Rumiko Takahashi and the licensed 
distributors of her work.

Jim Champagne
jwc70@hotmail.com

"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a 
club sandwich."
- Homer Simpson



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