Ranma 1/2: Oh, Brother!
Ranma 1/2 created by Rumiko Tashashi, (c) 1993. Used without permission.
This is the final draft (hopefully). Comments, criticisms, "mstings", etc.
are very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this 'fic as much as I had
revising it.
<...> indicates thought. {...} indicates Chinese dialogue. [...] indicates
words read on a sign.
Chapter One: "Oh, Brother..."
("Oh, Brother!" Opening Theme Song: "Jugyouchuu no Shougakkou" aka "In the
Middle of Class of Elementary School.")
(The scene opens with Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, & Kasumi playing cards in the
sunshine. Kasumi plays a card.)
Ranma (looks at Kasumi in shock): Draw Four Wild Card?!?!
Kasumi: Oh, my Ranma. You don't have to take it really hard. (Ranma draws
four cards.) I want blue. (Nabiki & Akane both groan now.) Ichi. (Everyone
groans again.)
Akane: I believe it's my turn. (She draws about 20 cards until she gets a
Blue Skip card, which she plays against Nabiki.) Sorry Nabiki. (Nabiki
glares at Akane, as she holding about 18 cards of her own.)
Kasumi (cheerfully): I win! (She throws out a Draw Four Wild Card to finish
the game, and Ranma groans again to draw four more cards. Everyone quickly
figures out the scores.)
Akane: 203.
Ranma: Aack! 209?
Nabiki: And 213, which makes Ranma last at 1,800 points...Akane at
1,790...I'm at 1,750 and Kasumi still has (she sighs)...1 point. And we've
only played five games. (Ranma leans towards Kasumi.)
Ranma (psudeo-whispering): How do you do it, Kasumi?
Kasumi (grinning): Oh, my! A gambler never tells her secrets. (Kasumi
giggles. Akane looks at Nabiki in shock.)
Akane: Did I just hear what I thought I heard? (Nabiki blinks.)
Nabiki: Sis, I never thought you'd be into gambling.
Ranma (looks behind Kasumi into the kitchen): So *that's* why the Gambling
King is bringing us lunch!
(The Gambling King comes in wearing just a barrel. He's crying, even harder
than Soun normally would. He's also holding a huge smorgasbord of
sandwitches.)
Gambling King (G. King): Here's your lunch, m'ladies, gent, mistress.
(cries, sniffs) Enjoy! Wahhhh! (Everyone grabs a sandwitch.)
Kasumi: And when you're done with cleaning the kitchen, you can have an
half an hour break. Then you'll have to clean Nabiki's room.
G. King: Yes, mistress. (Nabiki looks at Kasumi, her eyes budge out in a
puppy-like state.)
Nabiki: Can I have him when you're done?
Kasumi: As soon as he's finished cleaning your room...well, I was planning
to get him to prepare a bubble bath for us. (Kasumi's ears perk up.) Ah,
Mr. King, would you please stand outside between our garden and the Koi Pond?
G. King: Oookay, mistress. (He stands outside. There's a sound of an
airplane crashing. The Gambling King looks up, as a shadow of an airplane
falls on him. He has this "why me?" look of dispair. He flips out an sign:
[Ouch!]. He's crushed by a DC-10. Happousai pops out holding a jock strap
and a pair of Docker's Khakis.)
Happousai: It's not panties, but it'll work. I wonder what made Akane wear
guys clothing?
Akane (shouting): You pervert! I'm over here! And I don't wear those Khakis!
Nabiki: Hey, Dockers.
Kasumi: Oh, my! What nice pants!
Happousai: You're there? Then that girl I mugged...
Ranma: Happousai, you molested a girl that looked like Akane? Have you no
shame? Have you no taste? (Akane whacks Ranma with Mallet-sama.)
Voice: Old man, when I get my hands on you, you're gonna get it!
(A person that looks a lot of Akane appears out of the airplane, holding a
mallet. However, the Akane-look-a-like is naked from the waist down. It's
_definately_ a boy. Ranma gets a nose-bleed.)
Kasumi (blushing): Oh, my! Such indecency for our brother!
Nabiki & Akane (with that wide-eyed look): Brother?
Ranma: Feh. Just because he looks like an uncute girl --- (The Akane-guy
look-alike mallets Ranma into the ground and turns to Akane.)
Boy: I'm not a girl! (He turns to look at Akane.) Hey, how come you look
like me?!
Akane: I don't know, but get some pants on!
Boy: That old pervert has it! (Happousai is dancing around with the pants.
The boy takes his mallet and whacks Happousai into the ground.)
Akane: Where did you learn this?
Boy: I've known this since birth. (Ranma finally gets himself out of the
ground.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! Father and Mr. Saotome is suppose to be back within the
hour. (Akane and the Boy's mallets slip out of their hands and hit Ranma.
He's quickly neck-deep in the ground.)
Nabiki: Yeah, and Dad'll be really surprised when he sees him.
Ranma (looking skeptical & upward): How are you convinced that he's your
brother?
(Kasumi and Nabiki pull out their mallets and whack Ranma clear across
town. Then they turn around and hit Happousai so hard, he lets go of the
Khakis. Akane and the boy stop fighting to watch Ranma sail out of sight.)
Nabiki (sighs): Hey, boy. Do you wanna go inside and meet your real father?
Boy: My real father? H-h-how do you know?
Kasumi: It's your ability of pulling out a mallet from nowhere. It's a
Tendo secret tradition that is inbred like birds are when they know how to
fly from North to South. (The other three "siblings" look at Kasumi
strangely. Kasumi smiles in return.)
Akane: Okay, sis. (to the boy) What's your name?
Boy: Andrew.
Kasumi: What a nice name!
Nabiki: You say that about everyone's name.
Kasumi: But, it is a nice English name. Means "warrior." Or is it "manly?"
I keep forgetting. (Kasumi leans against her mallet and sigh. Nabiki twirls
her mallet. Akane holds her mallet like a lumberjack ---...and I'm okay!---
would. Andrew swings his mallet like Ken Griffy Jr. swings a bat.)
Nabiki (rolling her eyes): Yeah, whatever.
Akane: So, why are we all still holding these mallets? (They look at their
mallets, and then put them away. They all giggle.)
Andrew: Do you think that guy you launched wouldn't mind if I borrow a pair
of his underwear?
Akane: You know, I don't know what kind of undies Ranma wears.
Nabiki: Boxers, I think.
Akane (grinning): You'd know, sis.
Andrew: That guy was Ranma, right?
Akane: Yeah, that pervert!
Kasumi: Ranma and Akane are engaged.
Andrew: So young?
Nabiki: So stupid if you ask me.
Andrew: Okay. Say, if you don't mind, what's your name?
Akane: I'm Akane.
Nabiki: Nabiki's my name. That'll be 1200 yen.
Andrew: You're kidding, right? (She shakes her head.) Just a second. And,
ma'am (turns to Kasumi as he walks backwards into the airplane.) what are
we having for supper? I'm somewhat hungry.
Kasumi: Oh, dear. I haven't decided. And you need not call me "ma'am." I'm
just Kasumi. (Andrew runs in the plane and grabs a satchel. Then he comes
back out. The plane then explodes like a Jackie Chan movie special effect.)
Oh, my! We'll have hotdogs, marshmallows and s'mores! (She dances a bit and
then rushes back into the kitchen. The other three "Tendos" stare at her.)
Andrew (whispering to Nabiki): She's not very bright, isn't she?
Nabiki: Well, Kasumi's a little bit hard to figure out. She never seems to
be fazed by anything. (Kasumi comes out with sharpened wooden sticks.)
Andrew: Oh. (He pulls out a huge gem from the satchel.) Will this do? (The
three girls gasp as the size of that gem, a sapphire about the size of a
baseball.)
Nabiki (whispering): Where did you get this?
Andrew: It came from the bag. I think its magical. I've got more where that
came from. (Nabiki's eyes light up, as if she was the windows of a
one-armed bandit.)
Nabiki: Brother, we're gonna make a great team! (Nabiki hugs him
profusely.) With your cash and my business skills...
Andrew: Then you've obviously think I'm a simpleton. (He pulls out a
leather portfolio.) Here's a list of stocks, bonds, and stuff I've got
right now. (Nabiki looks at the list and her eyes get bigger and bigger as
she reads the list. Akane smirks.)
Akane: Already, he acts like Nabiki. (A pig pops out of the sack, and looks
at Andrew and then at Akane. She looks very confused. She also looks very
much like P-chan, except she has a pink/black bandana.) Ooh! What a cuuute
piggy! It looks like P-chan!
Andrew: Ah, this is C-chan. She's my pride and joy, and a dang good
watch-pig. Show her what you can do, C-chan. (C-chan goes and lifts Akane
with her nose. Akane big-sweats.)
Kasumi (who's bringing out hot-dogs, marshmallows, and P-chan): Oh, my!
What a strong little piggy! I found P-chan sleeping over here on the counter.
(C-chan flips Akane really high in the air, and jumps towards P-chan. The
two pigs sniff each other out while Akane lands onto Andrew's lap. Nabiki
looks up from Andrew's portfolio to see the the two pigs.)
Nabiki (looking at the pigs): Where did you get that piggy?
Andrew: We met in Spain, where she saved me from being trampled over by a
lot of bulls in Pamplona. (Turns to Kasumi) Can I help you get some plates?
Kasumi: Oh, no. I'm fine. (Kasumi leaves. Akane slides off her brother's lap.)
Akane: So, tell me what were you doing crashing into our place anyway?
Andrew: I was, on my way to the Paris Fall Modeling Show.
Nabiki: So, why were you traveling this way?
Andrew: I live in Hawaii. There's no real good way of getting to Paris.
(Kasumi has brought out the plates.)
Soun's voice: Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, Ranma! I'm home...(He enters the
backyard finding the three girls and the new "son." He looks extremely
surprised at the boy's twinness with Akane as if he was her clone.)...gaah!
Andrew (as he waves his hands): Hi, otusan! (Soun promptly faints.)
C-chan & P-chan: Bwee!
Kasumi: Oh, my!
Nabiki (giggling while holding her hand in her face): And-chan, you really
shouldn't have done that.
Akane: Well, never mind that. Let's have supper. (They all grab hot-dogs &
sticks and have an old-fashioned American camping dinner. The scene fades
out...)
(...fades in at Dr. Tofu's Clinic. A door opens and the patients open up to
see Dr. Tofu talking to one of his patients, a young masked boy. He looks
like he had the stuffings beaten out of him.)
Dr. Tofu: I *told* you that's what happens when your tear up Usagi's
"Hanson" & "Spice Girls" tapes, Tuxedo Kamen. I'll get you an appointment
for backbone, and artificial testicles surgery. (The men in the waiting
room chringe and, ahem, protect themselves.) Now, if everyone will please
duck, I hear someone screaming above us. (Everyone ducks as Ranma crashes
through the ceiling.)
Ranma (as he rubs his head): Ooooh. That's *gotta* hurt.
Dr. Tofu: Ah, Ranma. Did Akane use her "mallet-sama" on you again? (There's
a round of snickers from the other patients.)
Ranma: No, not really. Actually, it was kinda weird. Nabiki and Kasumi both
flung me out here with their mallets. Or was it all four of them? (The
patients gasp.)
Dr. Tofu (his glasses have started to steam up): K-k-k-k-kasumi?
S-s-ss-sss-she has a mallet?
Ranma: Yeah. I thought only Akane had the power of pulling out mallets.
They think they have a brother. He look almost like Akane, that tomboy.
Dr. Tofu: You want me to make sure K-k-k-k-kasumi has a brother? (The
patients gasp again. Ranma shrugs his shoulders.)
Ranma: I guess so.
Dr. Tofu (dancing with Betty-chan, eyes steamed over, and wailing):
Betty-chan, I'm making a house call! (He drags Ranma with him out of the
clinic. The patients get trampled over.)
(Back at the Tendo residence, Genma has come in and dug around the
refrigator.)
Genma: <Hmm...Kasumi must have something that I can snack on.> (He sniffs,
the smell of hot-dogs fills the air.) <Hmmm...hot dogs.> (Genma drools.)
Soun's voice: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Genma: <Soun's in trouble!> (He rushes outside to see two "Akanes" glaring
at Soun, each "Akane" eating an extra-long length hot-dogs. Genma blinks.)
Is this some kind of demon-girl?
Andrew: No, I'm not a demon! I'm not a girl either! I'm a boy! (Kasumi grins.)
Kasumi: He's our brother!
Genma: How do you know? (Andrew wacks Genma with his mallet. He's in the
ground. He looks up.) But, I thought Akane was the only one that could pull
out mallets?!
Kasumi: Oh, no, Mr. Saotome. It's a Tendo family secret tradition. (Kasumi
then pulls out a mallet and pounds Genma out of the ground and into the koi
pond. Nabiki walks over to the pond.)
Genma-panda (pulling out sign): [Was that really necessary?!]
Nabiki: Yes, it was. (She mallets him back into the pond.)
Soun (wailing): My deceased wife curse has come back to haunt me!
Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane & Andrew (obviously shocked): WHAT?!
Dr. Tofu: Kasumi, here I am! (He comes in dragging Ranma and a whole series
of DNA kits. Unfortunately, he plowed through the Tendo house. It crumbles
like a house of cards.) Hmm...hot-dogs!
Soun (wailing still!): My house...ruined! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Nabiki: Well, at least Dr. Tofu can pay for it...or Andrew could. (Nabiki
holds out the gem that Andrew gave her earilier. Genma-panda pops out of
the pond.)
Genma: [My son-in-law!] (He hugs Ranma, Andrew and Akane.)
Ranma & Akane: We are not engaged! (The two pound the panda into submission.)
Nabiki: Some people never learn. Now father, what about Mother's curse?
Soun: It is rather hard to explain ---
Dr. Tofu: --- excuse me! But, I believe some tests are in order! (He dances
insanely around the room gathering blood samples from Kasumi, Andrew,
Akane, Nabiki and Soun. Then he grabs a hot-dog and samples it.) Now, for
the DNA! (He slips back into the kitchen. Everyone big-sweats as Dr. Tofu
leaves.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! Dr. Tofu hasn't acted like that in a long time.
Nabiki: That's what's scaring me.
Akane: Anyway, what about my brother?! (We see Ranma eating a hot-dog.)
Soun: Well...you see, your mother couldn't have children.
Everyone else: What?!
Soun: Yes, so ---
Akane: You mean we're adopted?! (Soun violently shakes his head no.)
Soun: No...you were not adopted. We couldn't afford adopting children. So,
with a good friend of ours, we had her impregnated so that we could have
children.
Ranma: You mean...you slept with another woman, willingly so that you would
have children?! (Soun nods.) Three times?!?! (Soun nods violently, as he
starts to wail.)
Nabiki: That explains why you were so willing to think that Kurumi and
Natsume were your actual daughters.
Soun: I had thought that, perhaps, I had over did myself.
Genma: [My best friend, Master Happousai be so you proud!] (Ranma beats him
up again.)
Akane (As she's finishing her fourth hot-dog): So...who was this woman? 
Soun: I am sworn not to tell anyone the name of the woman. Or else, I will
die!
Andrew: That can be easily arraigned.
Akane (looks at Andrew as he finishes his fifth hot-dog): So...you
seperated him from me?!
Soun: Well...he does look a lot like you, but just because he looks like
you --- (Dr. Tofu comes in, obvious to what has happened.)
Dr. Tofu: The results are in! There is an 99.9999998% certainity that
Andrew is your son, Mr. Tendo.
Ranma (while on his third hot-dog with relish): Wait a minute�how come you
were able to figure this out so quickly? (Dr. Tofu hands him the package.
Ranma reads...) "One-Minute DNA tests from the people that brought you the
One-Minute Pregancy Test...cursity of the Jerry Springer Show." (Everyone
face-faults.)
Nabiki (turning to Dr. Tofu): Is Andrew my sister's twin?
Dr. Tofu: Hmm...yes. It says that the two are twins with a virtual 100%
confidence rate. I couldn't say all those nines, anyway. Well, Kasumi, you
look ravishing today! (His glasses start to steam as he walks towards
Kasumi. Soun looks terrified. Needless to say, Andrew & Akane looked
royally ticked-off.)
Akane: Father...
Andrew: Dad...
Andrew & Akane: *...no baka!* (Andrew & Akane each pull out the biggest
mallet they can pull out and smash their father into the ground. Then, they
run up to Akane's room, each carrying a hot-dog.)
Nabiki (flustering mad, to Soun): Well, I'd thought I've seen it all.
(Big-head mode on.) But, you're the biggest pervert in the whole entire
world! Do you realize what you've done? Geez! And now...I don't have a
mother...waaaahhh! (Big-head mode off. She runs off to her room, stopping
in time to mallet Genma-panda, who just got out of the pond. Then she comes
back, grabs a frozen Kasumi---and two hot-dogs with relish--- and drags her
to her room. We hear three doors slam hard.)
Genma-panda: [What did I do now?] (He turns to Ranma.)
Ranma: You don't want to know, old man...you don't want to know. So,
Ryouga, is that's your lost sister? (P-chan and C-chan frown.)
P-chan & C-chan: Bwee! (They grab Ranma and pound him into the ground.)
Ranma: Ow! Owww! Arrgh! (Ranma ends up buried up to his head.)
--------
("Oh, Brother!" Ending Theme Song: "MMMBop." by Hanson. Hey, it's as cheesy
as an ending theme as I could come up with. Besides, it fits the theme
nicely.)

Author's Notes.
Sorry about the delay. I had to work 12 hours straight, from 8 pm to 8 am,
yesterday. Fortunately, that's the last time I'll do that this summer.
Thank's for all of the e-mail about suggestions and complements, I do
appreciate those. I'm surprised that my Ranma/Myst/Riven series got more
mail than this one. Hopefully, this will be the last step before this fic
gets to be put up on the newsgroup where I'm sure it will be soundly
trampled over. I should have everything out by Tuesday.