Hysteliara <Hysteliara@aol.com> wrote:

Look Out Ryouga!  The Love Pill Strikes Again!  Chapter 5

Looks good! Just a couple of things you might wanna correct:

	The young ninja rolled her eyes and joined the unhappy boy on the floor.

Ukyo is NOT a ninja. Konatsu is the ninja in Ranma 1/2.

	"Thanks, Ukyou!" he cried, enveloping her in a crushing bear hug.
	"Yeah, yeah, whatever," the tired girl muttered, attempting to free herself.

If Ryoga was hugging full force, it should've hurt more than that. This
happened in the "Amazon Soap" storyline. Ukyo should be in severe pain
here.

She was the one who had plotted their route, claiming that the rugged terrain
would test his endurance.  Instead, the thick woods seemed to be testing hers.
She looked tired and her pace had slowed.  Yet the umbrella-wielding martial
artist knew from the glint in her eye that Ukyou would not stop until he did.
Unable to disobey the orders of his lovesick heart, he reached out to clasp

I think you mean "grasp" rather than "clasp."

	"To spar!  What else?" she responded, muttering something about bandannas
being tied to tight.  He smiled.  Ukyou was cute when she was angry.  But

too tight.

	"Some would say that trekking about in the woods for a couple of hours WAS
warming up, but, hey, whatever you want is fine with me."  That said, the
ninja walked over to a large, innocent bush and started to what and slice at

Don't think "what" is what you meant here... "whack," maybe? Also,
Ukyo's not a ninja.

it in a series of complex maneuvers.  Ryouga, pleased with himself, began a
kata while watching his agile love leap about.
	Some time passed, and Ukyou, after managing to form her plant into the shape
of a handsomely pruned bonzai tree, became bored with the exercises.  She

That's spelled "bonsai," I think.

	Ryouga prepared to strike back at his opponent with a free hand until he
realized who exactly it was.  He was impressed by her stealth and force.  *But
I _can�t_ hit her back!* he told himself.  He shifted through the muddled
thoughts and empty space that filled most of his mind to find a solution.
Then, suddenly, one came through:  simple, effective, and enjoyable!  Faster
than lightening he flung out his arm and, placing his fingers between Ukyou�s

Lightning. "Lightening" is the process of becoming brighter-- which may
not be all that fast. :)

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics