[The MST threatre. Sephiroth, Rarstarr and Amy are sitting at the front.]
Amy: ... just has to spend more time training Serena, so she can't come 
	anymore.
Rarstarr: <nods> I understand, but it means I have to find a replacement for 
	her. Sylia again?
Amy: I don't think so. How about Belldandy?
Sephiroth: No, not another Romantic.
Rarstarr: That cuts out a lot of the Anime's I know.
Amy: How about Shampoo?
Rarstarr: We'd be replacing our grammer expert with someone who barely speaks
	the language.
Sephiroth: How about Yakkage.
Amy: No, not another villian!
Rarstarr: Here's an idea, why don't we leave it open as a guest spot for the
	moment, until we find someone we can agree on.
Sephiroth: Better than boring the FFML with our debate.
Amy: Okay, let's do it. So who are you chosing as you're special guest
reviewer
	for today.
[Rarstarr pulls his keyboard out of nowhere and starts typing. A hole appears 
over the seat next to Amy and moments later a woman drops out of it. She's 
black haired, well built and wearing a police officer's uniform.]
Woman: Hey! Who did that?!
Rarstarr: That would be me.
Woman: Oh, an author. An MST right?
Rarstarr: Got it in one. Time for introduction I think.
Woman: Right, I'm Natsumi Tsujimoto, from "You're Under Arrest."
Amy: Ah, Rarstarr's supposed to go first.
Natsumi: Gomen.
Rarstarr: <rolls eyes, turns to camera> Greetings members of the FFML. I am 
	Rarstarr, author at large.
Amy: I am Amy Anderson, aka Sailor Mercury from the english dub of Sailor
Moon.
Sephiroth: As always, I am Sephiroth, villian of Final Fantasy VII,
standing in 
	for Cloud, who couldn't be here tonight.
Rarstarr: Because of Sephiroth. Joining us tonight, as she's already told you
	is Natsumi.

Hang on to your shorts...'s all I got to say about this one.

Rarstarr: You've been hanging around Cid too long S.S.
Natsumi: I hope she doesn't mind you calling her S.s.

------------------
Final Fantasy VII: Children of Jenova

Chapter 23

Cid sat down on a rock and lit up a cigarette, grumbling to himself about
the test run he'd just done on the new and improved cloaking device on
the Highwind. At best he figured he could squeeze an hour of invisibility
out of the thing. One hour to get inside the Shinra building, save whoever
needed saving, and get the hell out before the cleverly concealed airship
turned into the world's largest sitting duck. Which meant that they would
still have to park the goddamn thing well outside Neomidgar city limits;
still, it was better than hoofing it through the mountains the whole way.

/This sucks,/ he thought disgustedly. /This really sucks. Every goddamn
time I think I've found the answer to all our problems something has to
come along and turn everything on its ass for me./ With a wry smile, he
made a small wish that some angry citizens of Neomidgar would decide
to revolt and start looting somewhere, or that a sewer pipe running under
Shinra Tower would blow (preferably venting directly into Scarlet's
office or Vail's lab)...any distraction, no matter how small, would
help. On top of everything else, the group would probbaly have to trickle
in one or two at a time to avoid drawing too much attention...more
precious time down the crapper, time Reeve probably didn't have. 

Sephiroth: There's an understatement. Even I wouldn't put someone through
	that.
Rarstarr: I just had a thought. You weren't with us when we reviewed the 
	previous parts, were you?
Sephiroth: No.
Natsumi: Oh boy!

It was starting to get dark, meaning that Junior would probably be on her
watch soon. Cid didn't even want to think about how bad this must be
tearing the poor kid up. All the more reason to get in there and get out as
fast as possible. 

As the sun finally slipped below the horizon, Cid flicked the still-
smoldering butt of his cigarette away and stood up. Time to get moving.

Rarstarr: Bet's on this going off as planned?
[Somewhere in the distance an owl hoots.]
Rarstarr: Didn't think so.

*              *              *

Raven sorely wished C.J. could have picked out a smaller weapon. The
monstrosity dubbed the Saturn Glaive had poked a rather large hole in
her upholstery that morning, and this time its massive blade was sticking
out the window threatening not just to bean unsuspecting pedestrians but
to decapitate them as she drove C.J. to work.  

"Listen, I thought I should warn you," she began as she rolled up to a red
light, "Archer's sharing your watch tonight. There's been some strange
stuff going on at night lately, which I have the--ahem--honor of
investigating, and we can't very well leave Stuart there after he's been
working all day, can we?"

Sephiroth: What do they know of honor?!
Rarstarr: What do you know of honor?
Amy: The same could be said of you.
Rarstarr: <shrugs> At least I don't take over little kids bodies.
Sephiroth: What's this?
R&A: Ah...

"Great," C.J. replied, staring out the window.

"And as much as I hate to do this...I have to leave him with the controls
to your...uh, your collar...in case--"

"In case I do anything stupid, yeah yeah." 

Raven glanced over at her passenger as the light changed. "Did you sleep
all right today?" She got no reply. "You don't look so good."

"Oh, I'm just swell," C.J. said flatly. 

Natsumi: The man she loves is dying ans Raven asks if she's alright.
Rarstarr: Save it, Raven doesn't know.

Raven shrugged. "Well, if you say so. C.J., you didn't leave your house
all day today. Did you get some food yesterday--"

"Stop with the mommy act, okay?" C.J .spat, and although she didn't see
it, Raven recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "I already have one."

Rarstarr: <winces> Ouch.

"I'm just trying to make this easier for you, okay?" Raven sighed. "Look,
I was drafted too. Right after the company built Neomidgar they were
pretty short on manpower, and they just started grabbing people to fill up
the ranks. I figured I might as well make the best of it and do the best I
could at what they wanted me to do, and here I am." 

Amy: I've really got to question Scarlet's sanity. Putting drafties in places
	of trust is not wise.
Rarstarr: You're not the only one questioning Scarlet's sanity.
Natsumi: Oh, who else?
Rarstarr: Most of the readers, any one who knows here the least bit.

C.J. kept right on staring out the window, giving no indication that she'd
heard a word Raven said.

"I'll tell you something. Before your five years are up you're going to
have my job. You're too much like I was back then not to."

"I'm nothing like you," C.J. replied, her words hanging in the air between
them like a chilly fog.

The rest of the ride was silent.

*              *              *

/I never did like the Gold Saucer./ 

Rarstarr: That makes you a club of one.

Sephiroth Obscura scowled as that thought drifted through his mind.
Such a noisy place. Children running around yelling, parents running after
them yelling, vendors of cotton candy and balloons yelling over them,
imbeciles in chocobo suits offering information...noisy, and idiotic. How
much easier it would be to shove his way to the front of the line, grab
that infernal sword, and leave. But there was no point in attracting too
much attention now. He would get plenty of attention later.

Sephiroth: What is this Obscura business?
Rarstarr: He's all that is evil of you.
Sephiroth: So where's all the good?
Rarstarr: Current theory suggests either inside CJ or in the life stream.

Cloud stood in line in front of him, having shelled out his thousand GP
for the two of them to get a chance at pulling the sword from the stone.
Between the two of them, the damned thing would surely be in his grasp
before his other self could have a chance to get at it.

Rarstarr: Bets?

Word of the Gold Saucer's newest attraction had spread like wildfire,
and the line of suckers waiting to give the damn sword a tug wound its
way out of Dio's museum, through the Battle Square, and down the
stairs outside the arena almost to the transport tube that had brought
them there. 

Sephiroth Obscura yawned loudly as the urge to start throwing elbows
and shortening the line -his- way bubbled up again. A snack vendor in a
chocobo suit passed up the line, offering peanuts and ice cream; Cloud
dug in his pockets and bought two cones.

"I guess we shoulda ate before we got in line," he shrugged, handing one
of the cones back. Obscura took it with a forced smile and murmur of
appreciation.

/I have in my possession a weapon of mass destruction,/ Sephiroth

Rarstarr: And if throws it hard enough, he might hurt someone.
Amy: Ha ha.

Obscura thought grimly, /I have died and been reborn twice. I am
practically a god. And here I stand with a bunch of human sheep with
someone's ghastly little child screaming in my ear and melted ice
cream running down my hand. And I hate strawberry./

All: <roar with laughter>

He accidentally-on-purpose scooted his left foot back and stepped on
that of the screaming child. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry," he said with the
same forced smile as the brat started to bawl. Obscura felt a little better
after that.

BIFF! WHALLOP! WHAM!
Sephiroth: <groans> It wasn't me.
Rarstarr: Lesson one, never piss off an Anime Female.

*              *              *

This was the strangest restaurant Reeve had ever been to. He was sure
his waitress was Heidegger in drag, and there were a bunch of guys
dressed up as Vikings sitting at the luncheon counter. And there was no
menu. "Well, what do you have?" he asked, and the waitress cleared her-
-his--its throat.

Natsumi: Heidegger in drag?! That's disgusting.
Rarstarr: I'm traumatised for life.

"Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and Spam..."
And here the waitress rattled off a long list of entrees, most of which
contained vast amouts of lunch meat. Reeve held up a hand to stop her.

Amy: Sounds like a Monty Python's gag.
Rarstarr: It is a Monty Python's gag.

"Um...actually, I'd just like a glass of water, please."

The waitress snorted. "Water's off."

"What!? How the hell can water be off?" He pointed to the Vikings at the
counter. "THEY'VE got water!"

"They had reservations. Do you have a reservation?"

Reeve blinked. "Um, no..."

"Then you can't have any water. Right. Spam, egg, tomato, and Spam it
is." With that, the waitress turned on her heel and strode away.

Rarstarr: <blink blink> This is almost surreal.
Amy: <whaps him on the head> Thanks for spoiling it for us.

With a confused shake of his head, Reeve glanced over at the Vikings,
who were spearing bits of meat on their salad forks and roasting them
over the flame of one Viking's cigarette lighter. He waited for the
waitress to return.

And waited. 

And waited some more. 

Three hours had passed. The Vikings were still getting fresh glasses of
water. He had gotten nothing. No egg. No tomato. No Spam. No water.
No nothing. Reeve made a mental note to speak with the manager; the
service here was abysmal. 

Well, there was one way to get the food to arrive. He'd dined at enough
restaurants to know that as soon as you lit up a cigarette, the food would
come, in sort of the same way that the waitress would always wait until
your mouth was full before asking you if everything was all right. As he
drew a cigarette out of its pack and moved to light it with the candle on
his table, one of the Vikings glanced over at him.

"Might not be such a good idea, yah?" the Viking suggested. 

Reeve ignored him, lit up, and inhaled deeply. 

The Viking was right. 

Natsumi: Not a phrase you hear often.
Rarstarr: Then again you don't tell them they're wrong.

The smoke seared his throat like acid and he doubled over, coughing
violently, dimly aware that the din of the restaurant was slowly fading
away to a soft hiss; in addition, the air was growing hotter and thicker
and the light was dying to that of a single weak bulb high above. When
Reeve was finally able to open his streaming eyes and look around again,
he found himself right back in the gas chamber. /Goddamnit.../ Well,
hallucination or not, the restaurant with its dismal service and smartassed
Vikings had been a far sight better than this. He just hoped he wouldn't
start raving like a looney while C.J. was watching him. She really didn't
need to see that. His stomach gave a loud growl, and he realized sadly
that he was very, very hungry; the restaurant hallucination hadn't helped.
Visions of chicken pot pie, chocolate covered raisins, and glazed ham
danced in his head. Candied yams with marshmallows and pineapple. Hot
fudge sundae with whipped cream and a red gummy bear on top.
Macaroni and cheese. But he couldn't understand why Spam had come
into the vision. He did not like Spam. No sir ree bob. He would not eat
green eggs and Spam. He would not eat them in his house, he would not
eat them with a--

Rarstarr: Please, I haven't had dinner yet.
Natsumi: Neither has Reeve, from two days ago.

/Shit!/ Reeve reached up and slapped himself across the face just hard
enough to dispel the oncoming fugue. /Got to stay in the real world...not
enough oxygen to the brain, that's what's happening...can't be too long
now...C.J., I'm so sorry./

He hoped that what he heard then was just a product of his hyperactive
imagination, but he feared it wasn't. It was Archer's voice. "Y'know," it
said to nobody in particular, "I have this feeling that at, oh, about three
in the morning Wondergirl's going to decide to try and get that door open
and rescue her widdle sweetheart. No security camera here, nope, good
thing I'm gonna be here to see it. Boy, the janitor's gonna be hating
life."

Amy: Bets?
Rarstarr: Hey! That's my line!
Amy: <grin>

*              *              *

Archer checked his watch impatiently. Ten minutes to seven. He was
alone in this drab little room, at least till Wondergirl showed up. 

He sat there, rehearsing the spiel he would feed to Heidegger in the
morning. "She flipped out, boss. I think all that Mako went to her head
and she tried to gut me with that damn spear of hers. I was in grave--"
nah, that sounded lame-- "-mortal- danger." Yeah, that was better.  Or
maybe he would just excuse himself to get a magazine out of his car and
oops, push the button on the collar remote instead of his car alarm
remote. /Gee, I'm so sorry, they looked SO much alike...ha! Ha! Oh,
that's a good one!/ He was still snickering when the door opened to
admit Raven and C.J.

"What's so funny?" Raven snapped.

"Oh, nothing...nothing." Archer composed himself as Raven handed over
the collar remote. "Had any luck tracking down that hacker?"

Natsumi: So who is the hacker?
Rarstarr: We've already gone over this and covered most of bases.
Amy: <ticking off on her fingers>
	Archer: Unlikely, he's slime.
	Raven: Possible, but she has Archer as an Alibi.
	Stuart: Possible, nothing against it.
	Scarlet: She might have split personalities, one of which hates the
		others.
	Heidegger: Scared of Scarlet enough to help the others.
Rarstarr: Palmer: You never know.
Amy: We haven't seen him since he got hit by a truck.
Rarstarr: I was being funny.

"Nah. I think I'll be pulling an all-nighter on this one." Raven sighed.
"I've had Heidegger post SOLDIER guys outside every office with a
computer terminal in it, and if they see any strange dudes wandering the
premises after hours they're authorized to kill on sight."

"Rad," Archer nodded. "Y'know, Stuart looked a little peaked when I
came in, like he'd been up all night...you don't think--"

Raven burst out laughing. "Him? No. Hell no. He can't even check his
own e-mail without me hanging over his shoulder telling him what to
click." She wiped a tear from her eye. "But I'll tell you one thing off the
record. I asked for a few extra troops to follow Vail around. I don't think
that bitch ever leaves this building. I think she's so worried about her
little pet project that she's willing to spill everything she knows to
someone if she thinks it'll keep us from taking him out. And she's been
acting really weird lately." She noticed the odd look Archer was shooting
her and quickly amended, "More so than usual. I think she's finally
flipped her lid for good."

Rarstarr: That's one we didn't think of.
Amy: But Vail is Sephiroth's puppet.
Sephiroth: And I like Shinra?
Amy: Point.

"Jeesh. She always did give me the creeps." Archer shook his head. "I
guess you better get back to work."

"Yeah, yeah." Raven yawned. "I trust there won't be any trouble here
tonight...right, Archer?"

Archer grinned sweetly. "No, of course not!" He turned and gave C.J. his
best whipped-puppydog eyes. "Listen, I was a real asshole to you and
I'm sorry."

"Oh, you are?" C.J. grumbled, sitting down and opening her book as
Raven left. "Look, I was born at night--but not last night. You want
something, don't you?"

Rarstarr: C.J.'s grown up.
Amy: Will she be able to go back to being a kid after all this, even if her
	body deages.
Natsumi: Is deages a word?

/Why the hell can't you just buy it you little bimbo--/ "Okay. Tell you
what..." He knelt down at C.J.'s feet and tapped his chin with one finger.
"Go ahead. Deck me, if it'll make you feel better."

C.J. put her book down in her lap and actually seemed to consider it for a
few moments...after which she picked the book up again. "Yeah, right. I
hit you and you use that as an excuse to blow me up. Nice try."

/Hmm, I didn't think of that...shit, maybe she -is- some kinda genius./
"Well, okay." He stood back up and took a seat on the other side of the
room. "Can I get you anything? Cup of coffee? Candy bar? Crayons?"

Sephiroth: Only compared to you.

"It's not a coloring book, dipstick," C.J. replied. 

"Oh." /damnittohell you little.../ "Well, is it any good?"

C.J. sighed. "I don't think you'd understand it. It's got words longer than
two syllables in it."

All: <roar with laughter>

Archer forced himself to smile while, unknown to both him and C.J.,
Reeve sat in the gas chamber laughing silently.

*              *              *

The Highwind cruised slowly over the mountains and settled down as
close to Neomidgar's outmost slums as Cid thought safely possible. The
trip had taken less than five minutes. Still almost an hour till the
cloaking device died. 

Rude and Elena went in first, followed about ten minutes later by Cid,
Tifa, and Yuffie. For obvious reasons, Red XIII, Vincent, and Barret
stayed behind; a guy with a long red cape and a tendency to turn into a
rather larged winged beast, another with a gun where his right hand
should have been, and a big red animal wandering the streets wouldn't
exactly be a mundane sight to the locals.

Actually getting to Shinra Tower was easier than any of them could have
dreamed; the goddamn bus ran up to the plateau where it sat. Cid
sincerely hoped that the rest of Scarlet's security measures were this lax.
Sure, they got some funny looks from the other passengers. But none of
them really seemed to care. It was as if Scarlet had brainwashed every
single citizen of Neomidgar into believing that they were all safe and
sound here on their little plateaus and nobody would have the gall to
intrude.  

Rarstarr: Where the hell is Cid hiding that bloody Polearm?!
Amy: The same place I hide the Mercury computer and Akane hids her mallets.
Natsumi: Nowhere!
Amy: Right!

Upon reaching the tower, Cid was faced with a difficult decision...how to
go about getting IN the building. He had no idea if or how Rude and
Elena had done so.

"I've got a really bad case of deja vu," Tifa sighed. 

"We ain't got time to take the stairs. We're gonna have to grab an
elevator." Cid laughed nervously. "I hate goddamn stairs anyway."

Rarstarr: The most boring part of that game.

Yuffie just looked at him. "You want we should just barge right in the
front with all those SOLDIER guys and shit running  around in there?"
She craned her neck, staring up at the top of the tower. "What floor's the
gas chamber on?"

"Sixty-eighth," Cid replied flatly. 

Rarstarr: Was the original Shinra tower sixty or sevety levels?
Others: <Shrug>

"Oh, gawd."

"And we ain't got time to be hauling our asses up sixty-eight floors'
worth of goddamn stairs," Cid appended. "We got about a half-hour left
to get in and get back to the Highwind."

"So we go right through the front door?" Tifa queried. "Is that what
you're saying?"

"I guess so, yeah." He saw Tifa giving him a funny look. "What?"

"Where's that 'Move out!' you always used to bitch at Cloud for?" she
asked.

All: <laugh>
Amy: Oh that was good.
Rarstarr: Did he ever say that when he was in charge?

They stared at each other for a few moments, and then both burst out
laughing. "Okay, okay...move out!"

*              *              *

Two figures in janitor's coveralls strolled throught the halls of Shinra
Tower's sixty-eighth floor, while two janitors sat on the floor of a locked
broom closet in their boxer shorts, hands and feet tied together with
heavy-duty garbage bags, a wadded-up handi-wipe tucked into the mouth
of each. 

The replacement custodians peered into every doorway they passed,
pretending to empty trash cans or dust stuff if the SOLDIER standing
guard looked at them for too long. Every so often, one of them would
peek at a little thing that looked like a pocket organizer.

Rarstarr: Heeellloooo Elena!

The little blip representing Junior's tracking collar had not left the room
on the sixty-eighth floor since arriving there. Elena hoped she would have
enough sense to stay put until help arrived. Right now, she and Rude
were working on getting into the cell block where Reno was being held.
Two SOLDIER troops, third class judging by the face-hiding helmets
they wore, stood on either side of the door leading into the block. Even
without being able to see their faces, Elena guessed that they were bored
out of their wits.

Sephiroth: If they had wits to begin with. Don't forget, this is the group
	of soliders that never called for back-up --
Amy: Or activated an alarm.
Sephiroth: -- all the way through the game.

So, needless to say, they were too shocked to react when two lowly
janitors jumped them in the hall. Rude and Elena easily whipped their
helmets off, after which they simply brained the stunned SOLDIERS with
their mop handles.

"That was too easy," Rude said. "Now where are we gonna put these
guys?"

"Toss 'em in one of the cells, I guess," Elena shrugged. "Hey, Rude?
You think all these guys are gonna get pissed off about us swiping their
clothes?" She dug in one SOLDIER's pocket, retrieved a key card, and

All: <laugh>
Rarstarr: Its pretty staple in this enviroment.
Natsumi: I wonder if they get a theft of clothing allowance.

swiped it through the lock. The cell block door opened with a hiss, and
she and Rude dragged the inert bodies of the grunts through it. Each of
them took a cell, swapped their coveralls for the SOLDIERS' armor
(which fit Elena horribly, but it would have to do), and then locked the
doors behind them, sealing away two more poor folks in their skivvies.

"How do I look?" Rude asked after emerging from his cell. 

"Ridiculous," Elena replied, adjusting her shoulder plates, which were
trying to slide down to her elbows. "I'm sure I do too. You watch the
door while I get Reno."

"Right." Rude plunked the helmet onto his head and took his place where
the real deal had been before...and not a moment too soon. Heidegger
was making the nightly rounds.

"Where's your partner?" he asked, glaring at Rude.

"Restroom," Rude replied. Heidegger frowned. 

Rarstarr: Immediately failing to recognise the voice of person who was 
	third in command of the original Turks. 

"He didn't check out with me," the fat man said icily.

"I think he's sick," Rude said, trying to sound normal and hoping to God
Heidegger wouldn't recognize his voice, and that seemed to be good
enough.

"Tell him to go home when he comes back, then." And with that,
Heidegger left him alone. "Have a good one."

/Whew./ Rude finally let out the breath he'd been holding. That was way
too close.

Sephiroth: Closer than you think.
Rarstarr: And as far out there as you can get.

*              *              *

The security, or lack thereof, in the Shinra Tower lobby was amazing. A
chubby night watchman sat with his feet propped on what was, by day, a
receptionist's desk reading a magazine and eating doughnuts. "I don't
believe this," Cid said, shaking his head. "Hey. Buddy."

"Huh?" The watchman sat up abruptly, dumping his magazine onto the
floor. "Uh...sorry, sir. No visitors allowed in the building after--" 

The blade of the Viper Halberd came up over the desk, gently poking the
watchman in the chest.

"Visitors-are-always-welcome-sir-have-a-nice-day-sir." The watchman
slunk down behind his desk, shivering and babbling.

"That was smooth, Cid. Real smooth," Yuffie sighed.

Cid ignored her. "And you have yourself a nice day too, Tubby." He
reached down and plucked the watchman's keycards off his belt. "You
don't mind me takin' these, do you?" There was something awfully
familiar about the blubbering tub, but Cid couldn't quite place him.

Rarstarr: Heidegger's brother.
Amy: Palmer, back from LEO.
Natsumi: That sounds like a bad spy or sci-fi program.

"No, sir."

Cid raised an eyebrow. "You sure?" 

"Not at all, sir...I don't need them..."

"Mighty kind of you." Cid patted the watchman on the head and strode
toward the elevators. Tifa followed, snickering. Yuffie lingered a moment
and peered over the desk.

"Boo," she said before heading off to the elevators as well. "Wow...I
didn't think anyone that fat could jump that high..."

Amy: Fat people can be surprisingly agile.
Sephiroth: They ha--
Rarstarr: Make a fat joke and you're coffee.
Amy: Don't you mean toast.
Rarstarr: There won't be enough of him to make toast.
Natsumi: Worried about your weight Rarstarr?
Rarstarr: Grrrr.

The elevator doors shushed closed. It was a full five minutes before the
guard realized what had just happened to him...and hit the alarm.

*              *              *

"Ah, fuck, not again..." Archer groaned, picking up the phone and dialing
the front desk as C.J. jumped almost up to the ceiling.

"What's that!?" 

"Just our weekly false alarm, probably...okay, Domino. Last time it was
the pizza boy. The time before that it was a rat in the air vent. We really
appreciate your enthusiasm, but..."

Amy: Is he still talking to C.J.?
Rarstarr: I think he's talking to the phone after okay.

"It's for real this time! Honest!"

"Mmm hmm.  Is it a spider? I bet it's a spider. Hang on and I'll come
squish him for you, okay?"

"No! Really! I could be wrong, but I think it's Cid Highwind--he just
took my keys and he poked me with this big pointy thing and he's in the
elevator right now!"

Archer hung up slowly. "Well."

"Well?" C.J. repeated, sitting back down as Archer began to chuckle in a
way she really didn't like.

"Well. Looks like I'm not going to have to lie after all." He reached into
his pocket and drew out the remote control to C.J.'s collar.  "You have
been a naughty, naughty little girl. And I am going to enjoy this."

Rarstarr: Feel the suspense!
Amy: Feel my mallet!
WHAM!

*              *              *

Elena zipped down the corridor, peeking through the small square
windows of the cells. Empty...empty...empty...half-naked
SOLDIER...empty... "Dammit! Where the hell did they put him..." She

All: <snicker>
Rarstarr: Half-naked SOLDIER, cute.
Natsumi: Why'd she bother checking one of the cells they dumped the clothes
	horses in.

stopped short in front of the third-to-last cell on the right. Someone was
curled up on the floor...someone with a crimson ponytail trailing off the
back of his head. Elena fumbled her stolen keycard through the slot on
the door, and it opened for her. "Reno? Reno!?"

"Muf," Reno said as Elena knelt beside him. She hoisted him up to a
somewhat upright position and shook him. 

"Come on, Reno, don't do this shit..." She checked the "borrowed"
armor she wore and found a Restore Materia slotted in it...a weak one,
but it would have to do. It took four Cure spells before Reno finally came
around. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and groaned.

Natsumi: He's in a real bad way.

"What's a hot babe like you doing in a place like this?" he mumbled.

Elena opened her mouth to chew him out as usual...then she threw her
arms around him and broke down in tears, leaving a very stunned Reno
leaning against her.

All: Aaaawwwww!

"Nice armor," he finally managed to say. "You got the whole Amazon
thing going there. Very nice."

Natsumi: <Elena voice> Reno no BAKA!

*              *              *

"I got it," Cid said, snapping his fingers as alarms began to blare.

"I hope you're referring to how we're going to deal with THIS," Tifa
commented.

"Nah. The night watchman. I figured out who the hell he is." Cid
chuckled in spite of the circumstances as the elevator screeched to a halt
on the fiftieth floor. "Mayor Domino. Well, ex-Mayor, I guess...ah, shit!"

Rarstarr: That's one hell of a drop.
Sephiroth: From glorified librarian to unglorified night watch man.
Amy: I guess we get jobs where we can.

The elevator doors opened, and the three of them found as many very
angry-looking SOLDIER troops staring them down.

"Look, guys," Cid began, a hint of annoyance in his voice, "we really
don't have time for this shit. Just turn your happy selves around and
leave us alone."

The leader drew his massive sword. "Our orders are to kill any
intruders." Without further ado, he swung the weapon in a wide arc,
barely giving Cid time to parry.

Sephiroth: I see Shera's been spoiling Cid.
Amy: He does seem a little slow.

"Have it your way, punk!" Cid barely managed to deflect the slash; he
then quickly stepped to the SOLDIER's side and bashed him in the back
of the head with the Viper Halberd. Yuffie and Tifa joined in, each of
them fighting their very own SOLDIER. 

One SOLDIER thrust forward with his sword; Tifa sidestepped the
attack, caught the guy's hands, and brought her foot over his shoulder
and into the side of his head. Before he could react, she quickly pulled
the foot back the way it had come, smashing once more into the
SOLDIER's head on the return trip. "Jeez, this guy's a wimp," she
muttered, throwing an elbow into his face and watching him stagger
backward.

"Brag later, okay?" Yuffie swung her cross at about waist level, leaving a
rather painful-looking gash across her SOLDIER's midsection. As he
doubled over groaning, Yuffie grabbed a handful of his hair and slammed
his face into her knee. "Ooh, that had to hurt!"

Sephiroth: Funny way of using a throwing weapon there Yuffie.

"Look, pal, I really don't want to rough you up any more than I have to,"
Cid sighed, dodging another attack by the leader. "But you are really
starting to..." He dodged another slice. "Piss...me...OFF!" The
SOLDIER's blade caught him across the arm; painful, yes, but not
serious. "That's it, you little son of a bitch, your ass is MINE!" 

Having seen Cid go nuclear in battle enough times to know what was
about to happen, Yuffie and Tifa wisely got the hell out of the way just as
the highly incensed Cid lunged forward, knocked the SOLDIER flat on
his ass, and started beating the piss out of him with both ends of his
weapon. As he did so, a steady stream of profanity issued forth from ihs
mouth; a large portion of it seemed to refer to the possibility that the
SOLDIER's family tree did not branch and that several farm animals
were somehow involved in the guy's conception. 

Rarstarr: Leaving the guard wondering just how Cid knew that about his 
	family, it being a closely secret.
Amy: Rarstarr, that's disgusting.

"Jeez," Yuffie gasped. "And he got upset about Chibi-Cid saying 'shit!?'"

Cid gave the SOLDIER one last kick in the ribs, spat on his head, and
stormed back to the elevator, still mumbling curses under his breath.
"Now where were we before we were so RUDELY interrupted..."

*              *              *

C.J. stared numbly at the remote in Archer's hand. His thumb rested on a
large red button; above it were two smaller buttons, red and green ones.
Red and green...like the lights she remembered from the stuff they'd put
in her head. No...it couldn't be that easy...

Sephiroth: Can we say plot?
Others: Plot.
Sephiroth: I knew we could.

"I've been dreaming of this moment ever since you embarrassed me like
that in front of all those people in Branford, little girl." Archer's thumb
caressed the button on the remote. "You know exactly what's about to
happen, don't you? You're imagining what your brains are going to look
like splattered all over that wall behind you, I bet." He chuckled coldly
as he saw C.J.'s hand tighten around the shaft of the Saturn Glaive. "Oh, go
ahead. Give it a try. You'll be dead before you--"

Amy: Wait for it.

Archer had forgotten one thing about Mako-enhanced humans.

Rarstarr: Stay on target!

They weren't just stronger. 

Rarstarr: Stay on target!

They were -faster.-

Rarstarr: Yes, its in!
Amy: Rarstarr, don't watch Star Wars again, please.

Before he had finished his sentence, C.J.'s arm came around his neck

>from behind, holding him in a tight headlock. "Now you listen to ME,

you son of a bitch," she hissed into his ear. "You go right ahead and hit
that button if you want, but come morning the cleaning lady is gonna be
scraping you off the walls right along with me." To drive her point home,
she tightened her grip on Archer's neck. "Give it here."

"I really don't see what you hope to gain from this," Archer wheezed,
but he did as C.J. told him. "Even if you DO get the code right, you're
going to be dead as soon as another soul gets wind of this."

"Whatever." C.J. snatched the remote out of Archer's hand, carefully
avoiding the big red button and trying to remember the exact sequence of
the lights she'd been fed.  Red and green, flashing over and over in the
same pattern...

C.J. drew a deep breath and punched the small red button...then the
green...then green again...then the red.

Rarstarr: 1...2...3...4...5...
Natsumi: Sounds like the kind of combination an idiot would have for their
	luggage.
Sephiroth: Remind me to change my luggage combination.
Amy: That joke comes straight from "Space Balls" folks.
Rarstarr: Thank you Mel Brooks.

The collar disengaged with a soft "click."

C.J. pulled it away from her neck, finally remembering to breathe. She
snapped it securely around Archer's neck then. "Oh, that's not too tight,
is it?" she asked with a sweet smile.

All: <roar with laughter>
Rarstarr: Bets on who hits the button.
[Silence]
Natsumi: ...is golden.

"Just peachy," Archer replied, stepping away. "You are dead meat,
bitch."

"I don't think so," C.J. replied, holding her thumb over the large red
button. "I'm going to give you to the count of three to get the hell out of
my sight. One."

"You wouldn't." Archer edged toward the door anyway, though.
"You're not a killer. You're just a scared little kid--"

"Two."

/She wouldn't.../ Archer tried to tell himself that, but the wild look in
the
kid's eyes would not let him believe it completely. "--and believe me, you
are NOT going to get away with this--"

"Two and a half!"

/She's fucking SERIOUS!/ "Holy shit..." Having run out of things to say,
Archer turned and ran down the hall as if all the demons of Hell were on
his tail.

C.J. tossed the remote into a chair. Now to get Reeve out of the gas
chamber...

*              *              *

"Shit! She's moving!" Elena checked her computer again; sure enough,
the little blip was moving down the hall...and doing so very fast. 

"Who?" Reno asked, genuinely confused as he followed Rude and Elena
to the nearest elevator. "What's going on?"

"Junior! She's heading down this elevator!" Elena reached out and
jabbed the "down" button, hoping to stop the elevator and catch the kid
before she got into too much trouble. 

"Hold it right there, dear."

Elena turned away from the elevator and saw a blue-suited figure in a
very short skirt approaching. The elevator dinged and opened, and a very
agitated Archer stepped out, looked around, and threw up his hands.
"Aw, shit, now what!?" 

Rarstarr: Out of the smelting pot, into the nuclear furnace.

"Where the hell is C.J.?" Raven snapped at him. "No. Forget it. I'll deal
with her later." She snickered softly and glanced at Elena. "Hmm...I think
I remember you. You're that little blonde whats-her-name that was
always swooning over Tseng, aren't you?"

"I beg your pardon?" Elena huffed. Reno caught her arm. 

"Elena, she's trying to get you riled up. Don't listen to her."

"Oh, of course you are!" Raven laughed a bit louder. "He asked you out
right before--right before that unfortunate little incident at the Temple
of the Ancients, didn't he?"

"How the hell do you know about that?" Elena spat.

"Oh, how -do- I put this, dear..." Raven flashed Elena a sugary-sweet
smile. "He had a bit of bad news he wanted to break to you gently. About
him..." Raven's smile widened into an evil grin. "And me."

Natsumi: LIES!!!!

As it had in Junon when little Cid Highwind Junior uttered her first four-
letter word, the world seemed to stop moving for exactly three seconds,
and in those three seconds, Raven was sure that poor little Elena was
going to burst into tears and collapse into a bawling heap on the floor.

It didn't quite work out that way.

"You..." Elena clenched her teeth tightly, and Reno would swear later
that he saw puffs of smoke wafting out of her ears. "You..."

Rarstarr: Limit break, limit break, limit break!

"Rude..." Reno gave Rude a little push toward the elevator. "Find Cid
and the others. I think things are about to get real ugly here."

"Right." Rude shoved his way past Archer, who still stood there staring
at the two women.

"You..." Elena snatched her hand away from Reno and lunged viciously
at Raven. "You BITCH!"

Rarstarr: BOOOO! HISSS!
Amy: You really wanted to see a limit break, didn't you.
Rarstarr: <pouts>We haven't seen one since C.J. did Trantrum.

"Oh boy..." Reno sighed. "Well, why let her have all the fun..." And with
that, he spun around and decked Archer right between the eyes.

"Oh, SHIT." Raven tried to get the hell out of Elena's way, but her feet
moved too late and the two women hit the floor; Elena pinned Raven's
shoulders to the carpet under her knees and proceeded to pound the
beejeezus out of her. Raven squirmed free and kicked blindly; the sharp
heel of her shoe caught Elena's cheek. Raven tried in vain to draw her
pistols; Elena simply batted them out of her hands, grabbed a handful of
Raven's long hair, and threw her into the nearest wall. Raven shook her
head violently to clear it, pounced on Elena, and again the two went
down to the floor clawing and yowling. 

Rarstarr: CAT FIGHT!
Amy: Glad Ranma isn't here.

"Damn, Elena," Reno gasped, giving Archer just enough time to catch
him in the back of the head with a sai. /Ah shit, not again.../ 

*              *              *

C.J. quickly unlatched the three bolts holding the gas chamber door shut.
She knew that the gas was still on and hoped she could hold her breath
long enough to get Reeve out of there...okay, the bolts were open, why
the HELL wasn't the door opening? 

"Damn!" C.J. spat, noticing the keycard slot in the door. There were two
options: either try to find the right card or blow the goddamn door open.
Both options would require her to leave the room. As she thought about
that, she became aware of a pair of eyes burning into her back Even
before their owner spoke, she knew who they belonged to.

"You. Little. Bitch."

C.J. turned around slowly and saw Scarlet darkening the door to the
room. "I do not appreciate this one bit. I was TRYING to get some
fucking WORK done tonight, but noooooo, your goddamn daddy and his
buddies just HAD to show up and just royally wreck my night." Her eyes
went to the collar remote lying in the chair. "I don't know why the hell
Archer didn't do this when he had the chance." 

Rarstarr: For a very good reason.
Others: <snicker>

She picked up the remote, and C.J. made no move to stop her.

*              *              *

"I should have finished you off all those years ago when I had the
chance," Archer hissed, giving Reno one more kick in the head for good
measure. "And I intend to fix that little mistake right now." He rolled
Reno over with the toe of his shoe, knelt over him, and raised his sai to
strike at Reno's heart...

*              *              *

"Goodbye, C.J." Scarlet whispered, pressing the large red button on the
remote.

Nothing happened.

Amy: Bye-bye Archer.

"What--!?" Scarlet stared at the remote in shock, then she stormed over,
grabbed C.J. by the collar, and jerked down, popping the top button off
her shirt and exposing her bare neck. "Where the fuck did it go!?"

Now was her chance. C.J. reared back and drove her forehead into
Scarlet's nose as hard as she could.

All: <wince>

*              *              *

"Bye, Reno." Archer tensed his hand around the sai, starting to plunge it
downward...and a strange beepng noise began to emanate from the collar
around his neck. "Wha...oh, shit. Oh, shit! Raven!"

"What!?" Raven shoved Elena off her. "What's your problem?"

"Raven, this thing is beeping!" Archer's eyes were wide with fear.
"What's going on?"

"What thing?" Raven spat. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"THIS THING!" Archer pointed angrily at the collar around his neck.
"It's beeping!"

Rarstarr: That's one for the list of Famous Last Words.

"Oh my God..." Raven backed up slowly, then turned and ran down the
hall as fast as she could; Elena gave Archer a shove and dragged Reno
away in the other direction just as the collar exploded.


*              *              *

Scarlet stumbled backward, clamping her hand against her bleeding nose.
"Oh, I have had it." She stomped back up to C.J. and slapped her across
the face as hard as she could; C.J. considered returning the favor, decided
she did not have time for this shit, and punched Scarlet right in the
mouth.

"Why you little--" With a scream, Scarlet launched herself at C.J.,
knocking her to the floor. Somehow she got hold of C.J.'s impossibly
long ponytail; she whipped it around C.J.'s neck, anchored it with her
foot, and pulled as hard as she could.

/I KNEW I shoulda got a haircut.../ C.J. thought as she realized that
Scarlet intended to choke her to death with, of all things, her own hair.
She had one chance to get out of this...as Scarlet pulled for all she was
worth, C.J. reached under the cuff of her pants leg, unsheathed her
dagger, and made one quick slice.

Sephiroth: And C.J. has managed to get through another fight without using
	the Glaive.

Scarlet quite suddenly tumbled backwards, staring dumbly at the three-
foot length of blonde hair she held in her hand...hair that was untethered
to any human head. She barely had time to utter the words "Oh no,"
before C.J. grabbed her own hair and slammed her face into the floor
once...twice...thrice. C.J. threw Scarlet down one last time, stood up, and
brushed herself off. "Where's the keycard, Scarlet?"

"What keycard?"

"What the hell you mean, 'what keycard,' you know goddamn well what
keycard I'm talking about!" C.J. pulled her foot back to kick Scarlet in
the ribs. 

Scarlet caught it, and pulled.

C.J. fell forward, flailing her arms madly in a vain attempt to regain her
balance as she fell, and Scarlet planted a knee in her chest, raking at her
face with her perfectly manicured, talon-sharp fingernails. C.J. threw her
arm up to block the slashes. /If she gets to my eyes I'm history,/ she
thought. In desperation, she reached up quickly, closed her fingers
around two small metal hoops, and yanked as hard as she could.

Immediately, Scarlet fell away from her, clutching at her ears and
screaming like a demon. She staggered to her feet, ricocheted off a
couple of chairs, and stumbled out the door.

All: OW!

"Fine, I'll get it myself," C.J. muttered. "Reeve? Can you hear me?" She
received no reply, but continued anyway. "I'll be right back, I gotta go
get the stupid key...or a bomb...or something. Hang on, okay?"

*              *              *

"Sixty-eighth floor. Lawmowers, evening wear, and fine china. Watch
your step, please," Cid chirped as the elevator door whizzed open. Yuffie
noticed that he seemed to be in a much better mood after he'd whipped
the stuffing out of that SOLDIER dude. "Now where's the goddamn gas
chamber..."

Tifa opened her mouth to suggest something...and then she saw what
was probably the most bizarre sight she'd ever laid eyes on. A wailing
figure clad in a low-cut red dress came tearing down the hall. Her face
was obscured by blood, and her hands were curled into claws and pressed
against her ears; more blood trickled down her neck. "Oh, hi, Scarlet,"
Tifa said, not quite sure if she was really seeing this.

[The reviewers have all paled.]
Rarstarr: What's Cid going to say when he finds out C.J. did that?
Amy: Stuff Cid, what about Shera.

Scarlet paused to give all three of them poisonous glares before heading
into the stairwell. Yuffie turned to follow, but Cid caught her. "Let her
go. Looks like someone roughed her up pretty good."

The second elevator opened, and helmeted SOLDIER trotted out of it.
"Shit, not another one!" Tifa groaned, spinning around and planting a
boot in his gut.

"Oof! Hey! It's me!" The SOLDIER whipped his helmet off. It was, of
course, Rude. "Damn, if it's not Reeve zapping me with a stun gun it's
Tifa kicking me..."

Cid rolled his eyes. "Shit, Rude, you shoulda said somethin'! Where's
Elena?"

"Dunno. I think she's beating Raven up. Reno's okay too."

"That's great news, Rude. Really. Right now all I care about is a) busting
Reeve out of that gas chamber and b) findng my kid before any more hell
breaks loose around here." Cid checked his watch. "Shit...and we got
about ten minutes to do all that and get back to the Highwind."

Sephiroth: The fact that it took you half an hour to get to the tower in the
	first place should have shown that you wouldn't have time.

Rude wiggled his cell phone out of the pocket of his too-small SOLDIER
uniform pants. "I'll try to get hold of Elena and tell her to get Reno out
of here then. And I think the gas chamber is that way." Rude pointed
down the hall, in the direction from whence the bleeding and crying
Scarlet had just come. 

*              *              *

C.J. threw open the door to Scarlet's office and looked around quickly,
freezing in place as she realized that Heidegger was sitting in the
President's chair, typing furiously on Scarlet's terminal. He glanced up
quickly, the expression on his face reminiscient of a deer caught in
theheadlights of a truck, then relaxed when he saw that it was C.J. who
had intruded. 

"I take it you're looking for this," he said, handing C.J. a gold keycard.
"You may be too late, though."

"What!?" C.J. took the card. "What are you talking...it was you. You're
the one who put all this stuff in my head." Heidegger was silent. "Why?"

All: <facefault>
Rarstarr: Heidegger. You mean that joke was right?
Amy: Looks like it.

"Because," he sighed, "Scarlet is insane. Look...the less you know about
this, the better. I'm sorry I used you the way I did." He looked around
quickly. "Get him out of there. Now."

"Yes sir." C.J. turned slowly and ran back down the hall.

*              *              *

"We're lost," Yuffie spat as the group passed the same potted plant for
the third time. "Aren't we? Someone admit it. We are LOST."

"Shut it." Cid stopped, looked both ways, and continued. "I thought I
heard something..." He saw a blue suit and a flash of blonde hair whiz
through an intersection about twenty yards ahead. "That way!"

*              *              *

"Okay, I'm back...just hang on one more minute, okay?" C.J. tried to
force her shaking hands to guide the gold keycard into the slot...dropped
it...swore...picked it up and tried again. This time it went through, and
the door opened with a hiss. C.J. drew a deep breath and held it, and
stepped into the chamber. God, it was hot in there! Her eyes stung from
the gas that still filled the chamber and her lungs were beginning to
complain about the lack of fresh air as she quickly unbuckled the straps
that held Reeve in that ghastly metal chair. She half-carried, half-dragged
him out, lay him down on the carpet, and shut the door again so that the
gas wouldn't follow her out.

"Whew," she finally gasped, letting out the breath she'd been holding.
"That was close." She sat down next to Reeve and patted him on the
shoulder; then she noticed that the left sleeve of his shirt was stained
with blood from the cuff almost to the elbow. "Jeez, what happened?" She
unbuttoned the cuff and pulled it back, looking for a wound and finding
none. /Oh my God where'd all that blood come from.../ "Hey...hey, wake
up. Reeve..." She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Come
on, you're scaring me. Wake up."

But he didn't wake up. And, she realized with a cold, crawly sort of
horror, he wasn't breathing.

Rarstarr: How tragic! Who's got the Life materia?
Amy: The only problem with these games, its hard to kill someone.

---

Author's Notes: Well, I hope the wait was worth it. Two cat fights (the
Scarlet/CJ fight is probably my favorite fight scene of any of my fics
^_^),

Rarstarr: We thought so.
Sephiroth: Definitely.
Natsumi: Ah-uh.
Amy: Fantastic

numerous other scuffles, and a couple of wild plot twists...Reeve's
restaurant hallucination is, in fact, loosely borrowed from Monty
Python...show of hands, who thinks Archer finally got what he deserved?

All: <hands>

heh heh heh...and who guessed the identity of the Shinra leak? I had bets
on Raven, Stuart, and Vail; looks like Rarstarr is the only one who hit it
right on the head (and he probably didn't even realize it :) )...is it too

Rarstarr: <stands, bows> Thank you, thank you.

late
for Reeve? You're just going to have to keep reading, I'm not gonna tell
you. Ja ne. Oh, btw, I never really planned for Domino to appear at all;
he just sort of popped in. 
------------------

--Sailor Solathei
"Ice...snacks...and--fifty gallons of BEER!? What kind of life does she
lead, anyway!?" --Shinji Ikari
"Hang on to your drawers and don't piss in 'em!" --Cid Highwind
"A brand new ML to blow up! Wai!" --Zen
"Excuse me, I am a lost little boy. Can you help
me?.........................well, SCREW YOU TOO!" --Cartman
--------------------
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

Rarstarr: Expensive, unless you know the right things!

--------------------
Sailor Solathei's Cid Highwind shrine (still under very heavy construction)
http://members.xoom.com/ssolathei/cidshrine.html and the Cid Highwind Otaku
Ring: http://members.xoom.com/ssolathei/ring.html

Rarstarr: Can't wait, can't wait!
Amy: You're going to have to.
Natsumi: Well, that was interesting, but I should be getting back to work.
Rarstarr: So should I. I have Wild Boot to write, two assignments, two lab 
	reports due by the end of the week and exams in two and half weeks.
Sephiroth: Which is Rarstarr's way of saying, see you in a month or two 
	folks.
Rarstarr: Guten Arben all.
Amy: I didn't know you spoke German.
Rarstarr: Not much...
[Fade out]

-----------
Rarstarr,
David Farr
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~djfarr/
djfarr@ihug.co.nz