Chapter 2: "Oh, Darling!"
This is the final draft (hopefully). Comments, criticisms, "mstings", etc. 
are very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this 'fic as much as I had 
writing it.
<...> indicates thought. {...} indicates Chinese dialogue. [...] indicates 
words read on a sign.
("Oh, Brother!" series Opening Theme Song: "Jugyouchuu no Shougakkou" aka 
"In the Middle of Class of Elementary School.")
(It's the next day. We see Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, Andrew & Ranma eating 
breakfast.)
Ranma: Say, where's Pops?
Kasumi: He took Father out to eat this morning. Father's not suppose to eat 
until he reveals to us who is our father!
Nabiki: That'll be a while. You should have let Akane cooked the entire week.
Kasumi: And make us suffer along with Father?
Akane: Hey! My cooking isn't that bad!
Andrew: Come on, so she can't cook sushi.
Ranma: Um, Andrew, you're not suppose to cook sushi.
Andrew & Akane: Oh. (Nabiki looks at her watch.)
Nabiki: Well, would you look at the time. We're all gonna be late. (Andrew 
pulls out a carpet. It hovers in mid-air. Everyone else looks at it, puzzled 
by it.)
Andrew: Ah, this is my magic carpet.  We'll get there in no time! Hop on! 
(Nabiki, Ranma, Andrew & Akane hops on the carpet and it takes off for 
school. Kasumi waves them goodbye. She turns back to see Dr. Tofu stagger 
into the living room.)
Dr. Tofu: Wait...this isn't my house...K-k-k-kasumi?! What are you doing here?
Kasumi (giggles): Dr. Tofu-sama, this is my house. Surely you realize that!
Dr. Tofu (glasses are steaming): Kasumi! You know my name is Ono, not 
Shirley! (Kasumi face-faults.) But, seriously, can we talk? (Dr. Tofu nods 
as the two go into the kitchen.)
******
(The carpet lands next to the school. Everyone gets up, and it hovers the 
ground. Andrew opens his blue sack and the carpet slips into the bag.)
Akane: Come on, brother. I've got to register you for classes.
Kuno's voice: Ah, the fair Akane comes towards me...gadzooks! Two Akanes? Is 
this not a blessed day for me! Is it not a sign from the gods!
(Andrew & Akane eyes bug out. Ranma blinks. Nabiki couldn't help but giggle. 
Everyone else look around at the twins.)
Everyone else: Two Akanes!
Akane: Um, Kuno...
Kuno: Yes?
Akane: There's something that you should know about this other "Akane" (Kuno 
starts to fondle Andrew.)...he's my brother. (Kuno bugs out and drops him 
very quickly. Everyone else starts to big-sweat.)
Kuno: Brother?
The Boys: Brother?
The Girls (in a dream-like state): A kawaii boy! (Yuta stands up.)
Yuka (shouting): Say! The boys all fight over Akane, why can't we fight over 
Akane's brother?
The other girls: Yeah!
Andrew: Wait a minute! Do you all really want to fight over me?
Yuka: They do for your sister! And besides, how come Akane or Nabiki said 
anything about you?
Ranma: They've discovered, yesterday, that their dad has been cheating on 
them. (Nabiki notices that one of the girls has a fashion magazine. Andrew 
turns and glares at Ranma.)
Andrew: Ranma, you're not helping things!
Sukuki: You know, you look like this really cute boy! (She holds up the 
fashion mag that Nabiki saw. It looks exactly like Andrew except he his hair 
a bit shorter, and spiked. Andrew looks nervous as he look at himself on the 
cover.)
Andrew: Um...well...oh, dear...
Nabiki: Admit it, bro. You're that guy.
Andrew (in a soft voice): Well, yeah... (The girls scream. Hinako runs out.)
Hinako: Deliquents, all of you! Happou...five-yen...(C-chan and P-chan hop 
out from the bag. Andrew & Akane try to stop them, but can't.)
Andrew: C-chan! No! (C-chan and P-chan bite Miss Hinako on the ankles.)
Hinako: Yeeowch! No pets on the premise! (C-chan and P-chan throw Miss 
Hinako into the ground; her legs stick up. This causes an earthquake. 
Everyone looks nervously at the pigs.)
C-chan: Bwee!
Daisuke: Er, maybe we should just go inside...
Haisuke: Goood idea.
******
(Time passes. It's now lunch time. Andrew takes his lunch and sits down by a 
tree. He sees a lot of girls look at him and sigh. Ukyou comes by.)
Ukyou: Hey! Akane! What are you doing here all by yourself?
Andrew: Um, sir, I'm not Akane. (Ukyou looks puzzled. Checks Andrew's head, 
sniffs his hair.)
Ukyou: What happened, did Shampoo hit you with that Formula 419 again?
Andrew: Who's Shampoo, and why is she named after a bottle?
Ukyou (starts to big-sweat): Um...are you sure you're not Akane?
Andrew: Yeah. There she is now. (He points to Akane chasing Ranma with a 
bento in her hand.)
Ukyou: Oh. (She then does a double take, looking back at Akane and then at 
Andrew.) Who the hell are you?!
Andrew: I'm Andrew, Akane's twin brother.
Ukyou: You're a guy? Nooo...can't be!
Andrew: Yeah. It's been rather strange.
Ukyou: So, how did you...
Andrew (as he's opening his own bento): I found out that the people that I 
was living with had adopted me. I was going to Paris to a modeling show when 
my plane crashed in the Tendo's front yard. I soon learned that Soun --- my 
dad, I guess --- had me put up for adoption when he found out that the woman 
he was sleeping with had twins. (Looks at his bento, the meal girgles back 
at him.) Hmm...I see that Akane shares my good cooking ability.
Ukyou: What?! Soun? He wouldn't do such a thing...well, maybe.
Andrew: Maybe?
Ukyou: You know Happousai? (Andrew shakes his head.) He's a very short 
balding man that loves panties?
Andrew: Oh, HIM. He helped cause the plane to crash when he took my jock 
strap and my Khakis pants. Those were my best pants too.
Ukyou: THAT was your grandfather. (Andrew face-faults.)
Akane's voice (distantly): Come back here and eat my food!
Ranma's voice (distantly): Not on your life! Or mine!
Ukyou: Oh, dear. Will they ever learn?
Andrew: What's with Ranma and my sister, anyway?
Ukyou: Well, that's a long story. Genma, his father, had him arranged at 
least four different times, maybe up to six. I'm one of his fiancees.
Andrew: He got Ranma hooked up with a guy?! That's disgusting!
Ukyou: I'm NOT a guy as much as you are a girl!
Andrew: Oh. No...you couldn't be a girl! (He flicks Ukyou's chest. He hears 
a pang sound.) Metal...breast binding?!
Ukyou: Yep. (Ukyou lets her hair down from the ball it was in. Andrew looks 
in awe of the girl.)
Andrew: H-h-how many more girls is Ranma involved with?
Ukyou: Well...there's Shampoo...she's a Chinese girl, a bit crazy. Oh, 
that's her now. (Shampoo crashes the school fence. Cologne hobbles in after 
her.)
Andrew: Who's the old woman hobbling on a stick? She looks like Happousai's 
wife!
Ukyou (giggles) Hardly. She's Cologne, Shampoo's great-great grandmother.
Shampoo: Airen! Great-grandmother and I are here to help you!
Cologne: Son-in-law, we have a lot to discuss!
(Andrew's bag stirs.)
Andrew: Hmm...I wonder if Yoiko ever knew them.
A deep voice (coming from the bag): Cologne? Here? Cologne, is that you? 
(Ukyou clasps onto Andrew. Andrew starts to big-sweats.)
Ukyou: What was that?
Andrew: Oh, I guess Yoiko know her. (A huge red dragon flies out of the 
magical bag and hovers over the school. Everyone looks up and screams.)
Akane: What the hell!
Kuno: Forsoothe!
Ranma: My god! Even the Phoenix Dragon wasn't THIS big!
Yoiko: Ah...Cologne!
Cologne: Darling!
Everyone else: Darling?! (Then, they face-fault.)
Cologne: Oh, forgive me. Shampoo, this is Yoiko-chan. Darling, this is my 
great-granddaughter, Shampoo.
Yoiko: Ah, have you met my master?
Cologne: Who's your master? (Yoiko points to Andrew.) I didn't know that 
Akane had dragons!
Yoiko: That's not Akane. That's Andrew.
Akane (sounding like Ricki from the "I Love Lucy" show): Andrew! You've got 
a lot to explain to do!
Andrew: I can't help it that dragons have excellent sense of smell!
Kuno: Saotome! This is all your fault!
Ranma: No it's not! (The dragon looks at Ranma and Kuno in a 'don't mess 
with me' look.) But, I'm not gonna fight him!
Kuno: Valour is the better part of discretion, indeed.
Cologne: So...this Andrew, he's Akane's brother?
Yoiko: Twin brother, Cologne-chan. I can tell by their smell. I can also 
tell that they need to get some deorderant.
Andrew & Akane: Hey! I heard that! (They look at each other. Ukyou looks at 
them.)
Ukyou: I think I'm gonna need a drink.
Yoiko: So, anyway, what are you doing here in Japan?
Cologne: I'm here to help Shampoo get Son-in-law. (She points to Ranma.) 
Since you are a servant to Andrew, I fear that the situation has gotten a 
bit more complicated.
Yoiko: Not necessarily. It is true that Andrew is my master. But, he does 
let me and my fellow dragons have a lot of freedom in our matters. He is our 
best master to date. He has just a bit of a temper.
Shampoo: Like Violent Girl?
Cologne: I have to agree, Shampoo. If Akane has a "bit of temper" I'd hate 
to see Andrew when he gets mad.
Yoiko: Oh, he doesn't get mad unless it is just cause. Which he is in right 
now.
Akane: Hey! Dragon! Don't get noisy into our affairs!
Ukyou: Sorry to hear about what Soun did to you and Andrew. (Akane turns 
around and looks in shock at Ukyou.)
Akane: H-h-h-how did you know?
Andrew: I told her.
Akane: WHAT? You don't tell people personal things like that!
Andrew: What was I suppose to say, that your Dad kepted me in a trunk for 
sixteen years?! Besides, we don't know who's our real mom? (Nabiki, who's 
been eating her food calmly walks over to the dragon.)
Nabiki: I'd agree. Besides, we could use your dragon for a good use. Yoiko, 
right? (The dragon nods.) Could you determine who's our mother?
Yoiko: Not exactly, but I have surmised one thing.
Nabiki: What?
Yoiko: You smell delicious. (Nabiki moves away from Yoiko, looking nervous 
and big-sweating.)
Cologne: Hmm...would you eat your master's older sister?
Yoiko: Of course not. I would never do that.
Cologne: How about that girl there with the spatulas? (She points to Ukyou.)
Andrew: Yoiko, what are you doing?
Yoiko: Nothing, master. My sweety-pie's just trying to get her 
great-granddaughter married, that's all.
Andrew: Oh, I thought she was joking.
Cologne: I rarely joke.
Andrew: So...how did you two meet?
Cologne: I met him when I was 17. We've had a great relationships that 
culumated in him eating my first husband. Then I had to leave to find a new 
husband, since I couldn't marry Dragons at the time.
Yoiko: He was the best tasting man I had ever eaten.
Ukyou: Hmm...eat...people. (Ukyou drools as she visualizes Tsubasa being 
roasted by Yoiko.) (to Andrew) Say, Andrew, can I have your dragon on
retainer?
Andrew: Um...no.
Yoiko: With your permission, Master, may I take Cologne-chan out on a long 
date?
Andrew: That's fine, but where are you going to go? If you go out a little 
further, Gamera will be on you.
Cologne: Oh, don't worry. Ever since the Power Rangers left Japan, it's been 
rather peaceful and quiet around here. Besides, I know a couple of quiet 
corridors that no one ever notices.
Andrew: Well...okay. But, I don't want you to get into trouble now. Say, how 
long were you thinking about going away for?
Yoiko: What do you think, Cologne-chan? Is two weeks long enough?
Andrew and Shampoo: Two weeks!
Shampoo: Who will run Nekohaten while you gone, great-grandmother?
Cologne: I'm sure you and Mousse will do fine. It's been a very long time 
since we've last met.
Ranma: This is weird.
Nabiki (to Ranma): Coming from you, I'm impressed.
Yoiko: Come, my dear love bug, I know this great little restaurant in France!
(Yoiko flies away to the West, with Cologne riding on his back, cuddling the 
dragon like Azusa might do with her animals. Everyone watches stunned and 
with mouths open.)
Ukyou: You know, I'm gonna need a drink. Anyone care to join me? (Half the 
crowd raises their hands. Ukyou leaves, and everyone follows her.)
******
(We switch back to the kitchen where Kasumi and Dr. Tofu are talking. Both 
are looking over various papers. Kasumi looks amazed and confused, which is 
typical for Kasumi.)
Kasumi: You're saying that Daddy married into twins?
Dr. Tofu: Well, that could be the case. It would take an unusual set of 
identical twins to pull this one off. Even identical twins, with the same 
genetic material, can be packaged differently. One might act totally 
different than the other, and they may have very, very slight minute 
differences based on environment. But, it could be that way.
Kasumi: Or maybe not? I mean Mother did have cancer of the Uterus.
Dr. Tofu: But, these papers and files does show that she is your mother. 
Your father is not telling us something. But what? (Both of them look at 
each other, and they both start to giggle. Dr. Tofu's glasses start to steam 
up.) Enough about that...let's do it! (Dr. Tofu rips up Kasumi's dress and 
she screams as the scene fades out.)
(We switch over to a hotel room. We see a shadow of a woman, facing the 
door. The door opens, and Soun and Genma appears. Genma is a panda at this 
point.)
Woman's voice: Darling, is that you?
Soun: My dear sweetie, I got your letter. (He pulls out a pidgeon cage with 
a three pidgeon from Hammerspace.com. Two of the pidgeons are fighting while 
the other pidgeon is laughing at them.) I have news.
Woman's voice: Yes, Soun-chan?
Soun: That baby...he's alive.
Woman's voice (trembling): W-w-wwhat? O-o-o-our s-s-s-on's alive?
Soun: Yes. And he's here. And he looks like our Akane-chan.
Genma-panda: [Twins.]
Woman's voice: Oh, Megamisama, I pray that our children accept us for what 
we are. All of our children! (The woman starts to weep, and Soun rushes over 
and comforts her. He starts to cry as well. Genma-panda guards the door and 
the scene fades out.)
("Oh, Brother!" series Ending Theme Song: "MMMBop.") (Hey, it's as cheesy as 
I could come up with. I'll provide the way the anime-version goes in a later 
fic.)
----
Author's notes: 
	Sorry about the lateness of this fan-fic. I've been considering changing 
horses in the middle of the stream, which means you may find me at a new 
address by the time fall comes around. Being an English Major with a 
Journalism emphasis probably means I'll have to ask if you want fries with 
that or not with your cheeseburger. (I know that Liberal Art degrees holders 
are supposedily getting better opportunities than before, but still, what 
*do* you do with an English degree if you don't want to teach at the K-12 
grade levels?) I'm looking at becoming a science major of some sort...okay, 
meteorology if you really want to know. (Isn't there an Anime series on a 
woman who's a weather-girl? Or am I thinking about the movie starring Kim 
Bassinger who plays a disgruntled weather-woman? You know, I feel like Bill 
Murray in that "Groundhog's Day" movie...) No, don't look for me replacing 
your local meteorologist anytime soon.
	*Sigh* Anyway, the next chapter should have an interesting curve-ball to 
shake the plot up a bit. You might know what I'm planning to do, but it'll 
be interesting. But, hopefully, it won't be totally out-of-the ballpark like 
this chapter was.