"D.B.Sommer" <sommer@nb.net> wrote:

You wrote:

	She turned around the corner and came smack into a dead end. 
Trembling, she felt eyes watching her back.  She was afraid to turn
around.  But if she did not turn around and run, her heart was sure to
be eaten.

That paints an interesting picture.

Eat your heart out, Azusa. (But Azusa's little heart is so CUTE!!)

	Azusa jolted awake.  She breathed heavily from the night's exertions. 
She her damp clothes stick to her body.  She was soaked with sweat! 
What a dream.  She couldn't even recall much of the nightmare.  Only
that Ranma was in it. 

Four sentences in a row that start with She. May want to reowrk two of
them.

I'd suggest replacing the middle two with something like "Damp clothes
clung to her sweat-soaked body."

	Jeez, he was in enough trouble with Ukyo and Shampoo because he didn't
stop off at their respective restaurants in awhile.  Not to mention the
looks Akane was giving him.  How was he to know that skating would take
up so much his time?  He should never have agreed with Principal Kuno
about the job.  But then, he would never have had Azusa for a partner.

Besides, he liked his hair the way it was.

	Ranma didn't even notice Azusa's little slip.

Actually, he did. "Azusa, could you please fix your dress so that won't
show?"

	"No bother at all.  Heh, two cute girls get more free food than one,"
Ranma grinned mischievously.  Azusa seemed to perk up already.  Who said
he couldn't think and talk at the same time?

(Gary raises a hand)

as she caught sight of the cutest cartoons she had ever seen. 

Overfiend cells. Yay!!!

"Those tentacles are just adorable!!!"

about to give her this drawing since she appreciates my drawings so

change the second 'drawings' to something like 'them'

Or 'since she appreciates my talent so much' (if this guy isn't very
modest)

	She didn't know why but she tried to followed the example of those
around her and wrapped her arm around Ranma as they walked to her
mansion.  Azusa eyes widened suddenly.  Her head just cleared.

Bad day for Ranma, I see.

Isn't it always?

	Daisuke took Hiroshi's hand 

Yaoi?

Transplant.

of the wooden ties to his shirt.  The other day
she took his shoe.  And the day before that, his box... 

"WHAT?!!! Oh. His box. Not his err...nevermind

Ranma flushed as
he remembered coming out of the showers in the locker room to see Azusa
standing there with a mask of innocence.  What was so cute about that,
he had no idea. 

And why had she pointed at him and called him Jean-Luc? Wait now that he
though about it, she wasn't exactly pointing at him as much as his...

... box.

At least it was clean pair.  She couldn't have planned

was a clean pair. Better than a, er, lovely angels.

	Azusa used the back of her hand and wiped the slobber off her lips. 
She spat out the rest.  Never had she ever been so disgusted before. 
However, Mikado did not deserved to die for what he did.  Which it

Did not deserve
 

	Ranma looked at the trophy that sat in the case beside the lobby. 
Furinken's first trophy in the area of martial arts figure skating.  It

Furinkan's. And it ain't that easy to get out of a deal with the
principal....

Nice story. Typos abounded. But aside from that an enjoyable read.

I agree. Good job!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics