WoLF: Just when you thought it was safe... another C&C!
BANG!
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Lavender # 4: Icebreaker
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An audible hiss could be heard as he heard the box lock itself again.
You use the word "heard" twice here. It's unnecessary... and usually bad
form. You could shorten it down like this:
An audible hiss could be heard as the box locked itself again.
Also, I don't see why you have the word "again" here. The last time the box
locked itself was in the previous chapter. Of course, that might give the
feeling of continuity... it's a judgement call on your part.
The operation was necessary since Apollo needed an implant to be
able to avoid temporal scans. Usually a temporal scan would look
at a temporal signature and be able to determine both the past and
the future of the individual. Apollo still did not have his full
memory since Lavender refused to give him full recall of his
memories, assuring him that all he needed to know would come in
time, but he knew that to perform his duties he must be undetectable
to temporal scans. He was interrupted in his thoughts by Lavender
standing up, pushing the black medical box away from him.
First of all, write it from the point of view of the character. That gives
it more impact. Like this:
Apollo knew that the operation was necessary since the implant he was
receiving would make him invisible to temporal scans.
Secondly... I swear that that paragraph repeats the same thing about three
times. The words "temporal scan" are used 3 times as well. I'm sure you
could re-word and shorten that whole block to avoid such repetitions.
Finally, the bit about memories also repeats itself in the same sentence. A
bit of streamlining will improve it immensely.
Pluto. The obnoxious little green-haired bi-
Put your thought // markers around this.
WoLF: Good profanity avoidance. It's a nice touch.
' Yeah. Strange thing is I don't know why I do that.' Apollo said
wonderingly as he followed Lavender to the kitchen. Lavender wasn't
wearing his usual ensemble but was dressed in a simple shirt and
black slacks. The only thing that remained of Lavender's guise was
his mask. Apollo remembered something about not letting anyone see
his master's face, but he didn't know why.
This whole paragraph is good. Short sentences that cannot be
misunderstood... except for the last phrase. It sounds like Apollo is
trying to hid his master's face. I'm pretty sure that wasn't the intent.
' Memories, Apollo. They'll come out in time.' Lavender said
as he picked out a can of tuna from the cupboard. He fished
out a can opener and a fork from the kitchen drawer and moved
The word "out" appears twice in this little bit. I would dump the first one
and keep the second.
to the small table. Apollo jumped up on the table, watching
hungrily as Lavender opened the can of tuna.
We already know that it's a can of tuna. You can stop the sentence at can.
' Wait a second, Apollo.' Lavender said as he put one hand to
his face, halting the cat from pouncing on the tuna in the can.
The mask glowed, along with Lavender's body. The light subsided
after a few moments and Lavender laughed as Apollo was trying to
retrieve his jaw from the table.
You call Lavender by name three times. This is unnecessary since this is
written with Lavender as the subject. You could replace both other
instances with his and he.
WoLF: I think I've pointed out enough repetitions for this C&C.
By now, I'm pretty sure you know what to look for.
Lavender was currently a woman, with a pageboy hairdo and an
attractive face.
Not to be picky... but I don't like this phrase. Try this:
Lavender had become a woman; an attractive one at that, sporting a pageboy
hairdo.
' I've been out of commision for a long time , Boss, so let me
ask you a simple question. Are you taking woman disguises because
you like it or there's some logical reason for
it ?' He got a bap on his head for that question.
WoLF: Hmmm... I'm not sure if that questions warrants a whack up
side the head... but then again, I don't know how unstable
he/she is.
' Of course, I've got a logical reason. It's been awhile since
I used my female disguises nd Carlyle decided I need to practice.
He set the mask to transform me to female forms or awhile.'
Lavender said as she once again forked a tuna chunk and ate it.
Apollo could ell that she hated it from the tone of her voice.
WoLF: You know... Lavender COULD be Ranma...
Ranma: Don't even go there.
WoLF: <grins>
' We're going to do four funerals and a breaking.' Lavender
said with a mischievous smile on her face.
WoLF: That sound entertaining. Could make an interesting movie title.
*******************************
' OK, Lavender I already told you what you needed to know.
Just get to the blast crater and signal me with a Fireblossom.'
Fireblossom ? Apollo wondered what the hell that was. Must be
something I forgot _again_.
WoLF: You could probably add a little spice here by giving Apollo
a fleeting but useless memory (description) to tantalize him
and the rest of us with. It's only a suggestion though.
Lavender was definitely not in a talking mood, as Apollo could
ascertain from his walk and his scent. That was fine with him. He
really did need to recall his memories and the silence would help
in that.
I would change the final phrase to the following:
He really needed the time to try to recover his memories, and the silence
would help with that.
That was what happened for quite awhile, Lavender walking silently
I would change this to:
This went on for quite a while,
Apollo followed wondering what the hell did he mean by clearing.
, ^he meant^^
The thought jerked a memory in Apollo's head. Something about the
pulling out a piece of yellow amber. Apollo could see a sigil
inscribed into the gem as his master held it in his open palm. He
recognized it as the sign of Uranus.
The last two phrases would work better if merged together, like this:
Apollo could see a symbol etched into the gem has his master held in his
hand... it was the sign of Uranus.
After the dust settled down and Lavender wiped the dust off his
had--------------------------------------^
cloak, he looked down at his cat.
From what Apollo could smell of
his scent, the smile on his mask obviously reflected what was
currently under it.
WoLF: I don't understand this sentence at all. What exactly are you
trying to say?
' World Shaking.' He said before he continued his walk into the
snowy wasteland presented before them by the new opening.
WoLF: Nice afterthought. Very effective.
*******************************
' Apollo, your memories are really scrambled it seems. I can
only teleport when I have the specific energy to teleport.' Lavender
said as his hand came out of his cloak, a diamond on the palm of his
hand glinting in the weak light. ' Does this look like it's been
charged ?'
WoLF: I have an interesting question. The only time a teleport is
possible is when several senshi combine their powers. How does
he get teleport energy?
Lavender's aura was like a chameleon, constantly shifting so as
it ed^
not to show it's true color.
' I think you saw that I'm out of teleport energy. That's one
of the reasons.' His master said continuing his brisk walk.
I don't think this needs to be restated. It's been illustrated quite
clearly.
Apollo looked to where his master was looking.
This little phrase is clumsy. I can't think of better at the moment... but
I'm sure you could think of something.
He saw a body,
perfectly preserved by the freezing temperatures of the place
End this sentence here---------------------------^
they were in. He did not feel the cold but he attributed that
,
to his magical constitution. They moved closer to the body and he
realized who it was.
Apollo's mind started to really hate this reincarnation thing.
WoLF: I wonder why? ^_~
*******************************
' No. This was ground zero. Only objects with high magical
rotection and wards could survive the blast.'
WoLF: AND wards? Don't you mean and/or?
He once again dissapeared as quickly as he appeared. Apollo
emembered something vaguely about him not getting caught by
luto as the reason why Carlyle always seemed to be in a
hurry.
WoLF: I wonder what Sailor Pluto would do with him if she caught him.
*******************************
2 Months Later
' Hey, Keiichi, do you have the new Fushigi Yuugi manga ?' Usagi
asked excitedly of the blonde store clerk.
to
' I think I have one....let me see.' Keiichi said as he bent down,
Usagi flinched.
I would separate this sentence in two. Like this:
'I think I have one, let me see...' Keiichi said. As he bent down, Usagi
flinched.
' Here you are , Usagi, the newest copy ! ' Keiichi said with
a smile. He couldn't be Jadeite, if he were Jadeite he'd be
declaring his evil plan or something.
WoLF: <snickers> That just a stereotype young sailor-clad bimbos have.
The rest of the world knows better.
Kunzite/Malachite: Shhhhh... don't give away our secrets.
WoLF: Sorry. ^_~
' Thank, Keiichi. How much ?' Usagi said pulling out her purse.
Lucky she just got her allowance. Usagi said goodbye to the clerk
and went out of the store, still contemplating her question.
This whole snippet needs to be redone. Try this:
'Thanks Keiichi. How much?' Usagi asked as she pulled out her purse.
Luckily, she had just gotten her allowance. Usagi said goodbye and stepped
out of the store, still contemplating her question.
He really did look a bit like Jadeite. Maybe..........
'Naaaah.' Usagi said to herself as she began reading her new manga.
WoLF: Maybe she isn't such a bimbo. I wonder...
*******************************
Jadeite breathed a great sigh of relief as Usagi left the store.
It's a good thing that she thinks I'm dead, though Jadeite as he
returned to polishing the glass case filled with manga. It would
have been nice to serve the prince once again, but a deal was a
deal. No interference. Period. No buts. No argument.
There is direct thought here. You should have the / / thought markers.
WoLF: I don't belive that the senshi ever received direct proof that
Jadeite was dead. I always though it would be amusing for someone
to show up and tell the senshi in response to such a question:
"Jadeite is on ice."
' Hello, what can I -' Jadeite began. Then he noticed the purple
rose on the woman's hat. In the short time that he was acquainted
with his mysterious benefactor, he had picked up on the man's quirk
of dressing up in women's clothing and having something noticeably
purple on his person. He really disliked that, but hey, the guy gave
him a chance at a new life so if he was like Kunzite , he could live
with that. At least he didn't laugh like him.
WoLF: Interesting... what if Carlyle and company are denizens of the
Dark Kingdom? Hmmm...
Just so that you know, Zoicite was the effeminate general... and
he didn't tend to dress up in woman's clothings. The only time
he did that was to pretend to be Sailor moon, and that was
business, not pleasure.
Lavender: I'm not dressing up like this because I like it. <vehemently>
WoLF: So you say...
Lavender: Grrrr.
WoLF: Oh! Why does Jadeite know that Lavender is really a guy. I mean,
since Lavender first showed up as a guy and now shows up as a
girl, I would think that Jadeite would wonder which is the
correct gender.
' So how's business ?' Asked the woman as she looked aroun the
store. A few months back Lavender had given Jadeite the capital
for a business and a list of choices of the type of shop he wanted
to manage. Since he really didn't want to do laundry or dry
cleaning so he settled for the manga store.
WoLF: One wonders why Carlyle/Lavender would do this? This is getting
interesting. Is Jadeite going to be the back-up?
' It's definitely up. Especially when my main customer comes
along....' He said nervously trying to bring upo the fact that
Usagi's frequest visits really made him nervous.
Hmmm... couple of typos here. 2nd line, 8th word -> up (upo)
3rd line, 2nd word -> frequent (frequest)
' Don't worry, Jade-chan. She won't recognize you. I've made
sure of that.'
' How did you....'
' I've been watching.'
WoLF: And you watching is supposed to do something? I would suspect
that Jadeite would ask if he's been tampering with Usagi's
mind.
' Don't thank me yet. I still have to get you in the Endymion's
good graces.'
WoLF: Jadeite... spy once again. ^_^
' You mean I can serve again ? As Endymion's Guardian ?' Jadeite
asked hopefully.
WoLF: Guardian? Hmmm... looks like Jadeite has gone soft. ^_~
Of course, since by some sources, the dark generals were
guardians of the senshi before they were subverted by Queen
Beryl, he may look forward to this. Of course, I still think
that makes him the perfect spy for the Carlyle/Lavender.
He's a spy and doesn't even know it. What an irony. To bad to be
good and to good to be bad. ^_~
how grateful I am. I'd do anything to repay you !' Jadeite said
as he gestured his hands around wildly to make his point.
' Weeeell , if you put it that way.......how about a discount on
the Rayearth tapes ?' the woman said with a smile, a mischievous
glint in her eyes.
WoLF: <Face-faults> ^_^;
Post fic review.
Well... battle lines are starting to appear, although I'm not sure who the
heros and who the villains are (if any), we do know who doesn't like whom
(at least one).
Lavender's powers are versatile and neat without being over-whelming. He
has a very interesting limitation, keeping him in balance with the other
characters in the story.
WoLF: But for God's sake, don't attack him when he's in his crystal
storage room. Boy will you get nuked. ^_~
Apollo's powers are a bit of a mystery since they seem to be related to
Saturn's (at least as far as his awakening). The question is, is that how
Apollo normally is... or is that something that he got as a boon from the
senshi of destruction. Looking forward to seeing how that evolves.
Carlyle is seen so little that I can barely make a comment about him. He
seems to be a semi mirror-image of Sailor Pluto.
The story hasn't plotted out any real direction yet. The main characters do
seem to be accumulating a power-base of some kind (recruiting Jadeite for
instance), implying that they are getting ready for something. What that is
has been kept well hidden for the time being.
As I said before, no clear cut enemies and we don't even know what the
objectives of the main cast are. Time will tell.
On to part 5.
See ya
___________
/ Here lies:\ Time Travel: A perfectly good way to ruin someone's
| Andrew | history.
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | Jadzia Dax : Don't worry, I have a light touch.
| | Julien Bashir : Not according to Worf...